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Honeymaren pushed the reindeer faster, feeling the rhythmic thuds under her. She needed to run, to bolt, to escape. She blinked furiously, feeling the tears prickle at the corners of her eyes but refused to let them fall. Her heart pounded in her head and ached across her body. Water has memories, she remembered Elsa had once said. Honeymaren didn’t quite understand what the former queen had meant at that time but the tears threatening to fall reminded her of the pain she experienced. And she hated it.
“Just a little further,” she whispered hoarsely to the reindeer who blurted in response. She could tell that he was worried, the two of them had never gone this far this fast before. “It’ll be okay, buddy,” she continued, patting the hardworking beast along his neck.
Another concerned noise. Honeymaren couldn’t blame him, she had taken him out of the tribe’s camping ground with little warning. She whispered words of encouragement to her steed and silently prayed to the spirits, all except one, that they could reach her special destination quickly.
The grass became stone as the two traveled towards the mountainous regions of the Enchanted lands. They reached a small cavern in a mountain an hour later. Honeymaren jumped off the reindeer. She stumbled slightly, taking a few beats to stay steady on solid ground. As she did, she suddenly missed the momentum of speeding through the forest. She missed the belief that she could outrun her pain. The brunette unloaded the reindeer and got him set up for the night, telling him that he would return to the village in the morning.
Once she got the animal’s needs taken care of, Honeymaren began to focus on her own. She gritted her teeth as she knocked the flint and rock together and caused a fire to begin on the campfire logs. Keep yourself busy. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t- shit. Honeymaren had set up her furs on the cave’s floor, close to the burning fire but not close enough to catch it. But once she had nothing else to do, her thoughts swarmed like moths to a flame. The darkening sky reflecting her mood.
Her eyes welled up again and finally after hours of riding, she let herself feel. She felt the gravity of sadness pull her lower and lower. She felt the sting in her heart, the pain in her soul. She would allow herself this one night of agony.
----
A few hours earlier
The Northuldra camp rang with chatter and laughter and songs. It was the festival of love, celebrating all types: familial, platonic, and romantic. Everyone dressed in light brown clothing with hues of red all over. Ryder and Honeymaren had a special place in their hearts for this festival ever since they were kids. Growing up together in the village was tough when they were the only kids at the time, but as they became older they learned to value the love and connection everyone in the tribe had for each other.
This year was different, however, since Honeymaren realized she was experiencing the third type of love. For who could the brave warrior fall for? None other than the beautiful and elusive fifth spirit. The one who came and changed their whole worlds. The one who opened their tribe to new experiences. Elsa.
“This is gonna be great!” Honeymaren grinned towards Ryder, nudging him with her shoulder. Even though her brother was a few inches taller than her, everyone knew who was the stronger of the two.
“How so,” he asked with a smile on his face. “I mean, besides you confessing and asking out our resident ice queen.” He playfully bumped his sister back. The two laughed, reveling in the calm before the festivities began.
“She’s been so wonderful to be around, Ryder. Elsa’s amazing. She’s funny and gorgeous and smart. She loves chocolates and I don’t think I know anyone bad who likes chocolates!”
Ryder rolled his eyes at his sister, “Dude, besides her sister, you don’t know anyone else who likes chocolates.” This was true, Elsa and Anna had gifted the tribe Arendellan chocolates once, but the flavor and sugary content proved to be too much for most of the Northaldurans.
“The point still stands!” A mischievous huff. “We’ve been hanging out together a lot lately. She’s been singing along with me to our baby reindeer, Snowday. I’ve even been catching her staring during my patrols around the forest.”
“I remember, you complained that first day she moved in that you and I quote could not herd the reindeer because you were overcome by longing for her .” Ryder bent his fingers into air quotation marks while deepening his voice to mimic the woman.
Honeymaren’s cheeks reddened at the memory. Ryder wasn’t wrong. She bid him farewell as she sought out the source of her affections. Emboldened by his thumbs up and hype, Honeymaren walked purposefully.
She came across the blonde-haired beauty helping out set up decorations. Honeymaren froze for a moment, taking the time to take in Elsa’s beauty. Her face beamed when blue eyes met hers. When Elsa stepped away from the decorating party, Honeymaren practically skipped to meet her halfway. The two embraced and Honeymaren felt secure. She felt at home. She felt the love Elsa exuded. The former queen had made great progress in lowering her guard and melting her heart around other humans besides Anna and Kristoff.
Honeymaren grabbed Elsa’s hand and dragged her over to the dancing area. They watched and listened as the band warmed up. Once the music began, Honeymaren began swaying side to side with Elsa, keeping a small distance between them.
Elsa laughed and moved slightly to the rhythm but commented, “I don’t really know how to dance.”
“I’ll teach you.” Honeymaren closed the distance, putting one hand on Elsa’s hip and one on her shoulder. The two began moving to the rhythm. The brunette tried concentrating on helping Elsa feel safe instead of the feeling of touching her. “Relax and feel the music. Don’t worry about who’s looking, we’re all just having fun.” Honeymaren felt Elsa stiffen at the idea that people could be staring. I need to fix this fast , her mind panicked, causing her to miscount and step on Elsa’s foot.
“Ouch,”
“Shit, I’m sorry,” Honeymaren replied, breaking free from the dance. She looked at her crush who had no trace of malice, only favor. She saw Elsa’s hand hesitantly reach out.
“Maybe we’re both terrible dancers, but you’ve been the most fun dance partner I’ve had.” The words coming out of Elsa’s mouth felt like an arrow piercing Honeymaren’s heart. She couldn’t believe the compliment. She was going to ride that high until the end of forever. The two danced for a few more songs, ranging from quick traditional group dances and paired ones. Honeymaren felt a swell of pride as she saw Elsa keeping up mostly well in the traditional dances.
Eventually the two tired and walked towards the outskirts of the village. Away from everyone, just the two of us. Breathe you idiot. Honeymaren chastised herself. Honeymaren indulged in the feeling of Elsa’s fingers intertwined with hers. For being an ice-powered spirit, Elsa was surprisingly warm.
“Maren, are you okay?” Elsa wondered aloud, eyeing her companion.
“Oh yeah, I’m good, Snowflake.” Honeymaren winked, blushing at the intimate nickname she had given the former queen. “I uh, I just need to get this off my chest.” She dropped the hand she held, immediately missing the contact. She took a step away from Elsa and looked her in the eye.
She took a breath. Then another. “I like you, Elsa.”
“Aw Maren, I’m glad you feel that way.” Elsa replied with a smile.
“You do?”
“Of course! You’ve been such a wonderful friend and guide since I moved here. I don’t know how I would have adapted.”
Honeymaren cursed under her breath. Of course the woman she fell for was dense. “In honor of the Festival of Love, I want to say… I like you Elsa and I would like the chance to court you.”
“C-court?!” Elsa squeaked, dropping the temperature between the two of them. Her sky-blue eyes (that Honeymaren wished she could swim in) widened and she took a step away. “I-I don’t… I’m sorry Honeymaren… I don’t think I feel the same way…”
Honeymaren swore she heard her whole heart shatter. The pain in her chest amplified, running through her whole body. She tensed her jaw and forced a smile onto her face. “Oh, I’m sorry I guess I misread the signs. No worries, we can just forget this ever happened.” Her shoulders ached with tension, her face burned.
“I truly hope we can continue being friends,” Elsa whispered to her, “I would not want to lose your friendship or lose someone I care for.”
Stop. Please. Honeymaren silently begged. She cleared her throat which had become dry suddenly. “Yeah! I mean, you’re a good friend too and I- uh, I have to go feed the reindeer and check in with Yenela and other you know, warrior training things.” She finished with an awkward scratch to the back of her head. She bid goodbye and ran.
Honeymaren came across Yenela and begged the elder to allow her a night in the forest. Just one night. Yenela took one look at her successor’s red-brimmed, tear-filled eyes. She gave her blessing on one condition: Honeymaren came back safe. She opened her arms to bring the girl she had seen grow up into a tight hug. Honeymaren tightened her arms around her mentor, breathing in the scent of familiarity and agreed to the condition. She took Yenela’s back of the hand and brought it to her own forehead, promising to come back. Then she left to her tent to prepare.
Honeymaren stuffed her pack with furs and other supplies to last her the night. She fought against the thoughts in her brain. She needed to leave. Now. She paused, holding her breath and tears back as she heard voices outside her tent. A male voice and female voice.
“I’m sorry,” she heard the female voice say.
“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pissed that she’s hurt.” came the male voice.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt her. She’s a good friend.”
“Right, which is why I can’t stay mad at you. Don’t worry, she’ll come around, and her feelings will fade. Then you can be friends again.”
How can anyone move on from her Honeymaren thought bitterly, shoving the last of the items into the pack. She slowly opened the door of her tent and peered out. She calculated the quickest and sneakiest way to get to her reindeer without getting caught. She counted 1...2… 3…. GO! She hustled to the pen and rode her favorite reindeer out the village and through the forest.
----
Present
Honeymaren shivered as the tears continued to fall. She repeated Elsa’s rejection over and over in her mind. She cried. She shook. She felt sorry for herself. Just this one night. She promised herself. Honeymaren pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her head in her arms. The hot tears contrasted the cold she felt in her heart. Maybe I’ll be okay one day… but tonight… tonight hurts. She tried to look on the bright side, but that was useless. Every positive thought was immediately replaced by two or three negative outcomes.
As Honeymaren laid on her furs, she felt her trusted reindeer companion lay next to her, grounding her to the moment. Her heart wanted to explode from sadness. In the morning, maybe the sun can take her pain away. But for now, for tonight, the darkness can breach and touch everything.