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Acting like I'm heartless, I do it all the time.
That don't mean I'm scarless, that don't mean I'm fine.
Welcome to my darkness, I’ve been here a while.
Clouding up the sunlight, hurting for a smile.
“Dark Side” - Bishop Briggs
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Dani is incredibly distracted as she cuts up the slices of overly-expensive cheese in Malcolm Bright’s kitchen. She is trying to focus and not cut her own finger off, but it is hard to process everything that had happened in the last few hours… hell, the last 10 minutes had been a trip. Malcolm was being almost adorably hyperactive, but also overwhelming, as he jumped over his own furniture and tried to initiate violent activities to pass the time. Malcolm drove her crazy on a normal day, but this was something else.
Though she had not known him that long, Dani’s emotions were restless while spending time with him; she could not put her finger on the sensation. There was no denying that there was something endearing about him, especially as he rode the roller coaster of drug euphoria. Malcolm’s actions and ramblings were tugging at Dani’s heartstrings - it was as if he could not wrap his mind around having someone to talk to; like an over-excited child on their first sleepover.
Dani felt a little out of place spending longer than 5 minutes in Malcolm’s loft. His life was exposed and on display to her, and he was not in the right mind-frame to protect or hide anything. There was no ignoring the little oddities of his life, the things that made him who he was - the restraints tied to the bed, the parakeet, the line of prescription medications on the counter. Her eyes drifted to the bottles and she felt her chest tighten at the thought of the years of trauma the man had gone through.
She reminisced as she cooked, thinking about the way Malcolm had looked at her, shocked and grappling for words, confirming with her “wait… we’re friends?”
It had been an innocent enough remark on her part, but apparently he took the statement very sincerely. She was taken aback at his seriousness and had quickly bitten back at him “no”. She instantly felt bad and the word burned her own tongue. Malcolm did not appear disappointed or surprised, though, and that is what hurt the most. He seemed to genuinely accept the fact that he had no friends, because why would he? A serial killer’s son who couldn’t keep a job in police work because of his unstable mental health?
Dani quickly tried to smooth things over as he sat down, fighting back her own history with trust to encourage Malcolm that friendship was definitely an option she was open to. Malcolm quietly admitted that he was out of practice with companionship, and the expression on his face was enough to make Dani want to offer it to him.
Why did it matter to her that Malcolm feel reassured about a budding friendship? Why did he matter to her all of the sudden? She felt herself fighting to repress the little tinges of emotion and concern that she had for him almost every damn day. He was a walking disaster, after all.
“That’s alright - I don’t have a lot of friends either,” She had replied. “I’ve got issues with trust.”
It was an uncharacteristically open response on her part, and she was trying to mentally rationalize her own behavior. She could not dissect and explain the push-pull feelings she was experiencing as she fought to put up walls and tear them down at the same time.
“You can trust me,” he replied. The look on his face is so genuine and soft, like despite everything that is happening to him, he wants to make sure that she is okay. She knows he’s being sincere, she could see in his expression that he had no intention of hurting her, and just like that she felt another wall start to crumble despite her efforts.
Caught in her own thoughts, Dani had played over everything she had noticed or witnessed about Malcolm thus far. The carelessness for his own wellbeing, acceptance of death, the tremors whenever he was stressed or overwhelmed, how exhausted he always looked in the morning, the ‘I’m fine’ facade he played, and that night terror in the office…
Malcolm was staring at her with an expectant half-smile on his face, and Dani had the sudden urge to hug him. It was snapped short as he had suddenly thrown his hands out and started yelling at her about cheese. All of her time in narcotics, she had never quite seen anything like this. Part of her thinks Malcolm would have been easier to deal with half-conscious on an opiate.
She told him to go pull himself together and he grinned at her, biting his lip like a giddy teenager, and then practically skipped to the bathroom. Dani mouthed “oh, my god”, to herself before turning to the kitchen to make sandwiches - unsure she could do this for another 6 or 7 hours. She kicked her shoes off and was now trying to make herself at home - she couldn’t leave him unattended, that’s for sure. She knows she’s pretty much stuck until morning, or at least until Malcolm is down off the ceiling.
Dani eyes Malcolm’s prescriptions again as she continues to cook, a little concerned that the club drugs are going to react adversely with the prescriptions and cause some other disaster. Dani turns and watches as Malcolm finally surfaces from the bathroom, walking with his hands up defensively and going to sit on the floor at the base of the bed. He’s wide-eyed and looks like he’s on sensory overload.
“You good?” Dani calls. Malcolm just nods once in her direction. She’d normally be worried by how quiet he had gotten, but he is high as f*ck.
Dani is maybe a little worried at what this experience will do to the stability of his health long-term. She watches him carefully while she finishes up in the kitchen. He’s scarily quiet now. She feels like a broken record, but asks him again if he’s good. A moment of silence later she changes her tone and uses his name, “Bright, are you okay?”
The tone is less casual, and is laced with legitimate concern. Malcolm waves a hand at her in dismissal and then sits staring up to the top loft. There’s something nagging at Dani, telling her she should be worried. After a minute, Malcolm shoots up with a scared gasp and runs into the bathroom, slamming the door. Dani jumps and stares confusedly at the door for no more than a second before knocking and checking on him.
“Bright, you good?” Dani waits, not wanting to be dramatic and rush in right away. She wonders if maybe Malcolm is just sick now.
“Bright? Open the door.”
Again, there is no response, and Dani can feel her heart rate climbing with her nervousness. Her level of worry spirals as she continues to knock and not get an answer.
I did not sign up for this. I just didn’t.
Dani continues to call out to Malcolm, praying he’ll just open the door. He’s quiet inside - until he’s not. Dani is suddenly met with panicked screaming and her heart jumps into her throat, picking up its rate. Adrenaline floods her system and she swings the bathroom door open without hesitation.
Malcolm has thrown himself into the bathtub; he’s grabbing at his chest, hyperventilating, and crying out fearfully. Dani concludes that he is hallucinating as she clearly remembers the incident at the precinct - how scared and irrational he was. She starts calling out to him, trying to get his attention.
“Hey, hey! Bright. Bright! Relax! It’s okay!” She keeps repeating, but Malcolm is out-of-his mind terrified at whatever is going on in his own head right now. His frantic cries sound as if he’s being physically hurt, and each one hits harder at Dani’s emotions. Despite her assurances, she cannot get Malcolm’s attention. The look on his face is pure fear, and whatever terror he’s living is vivid enough that he can not seem to hear or see her. She keeps grabbing at him, trying to keep him still and get him to look at her. He pushes her away in confused fearfulness, his breathless screams echoing in the bathroom.
Dani is desperate to help him, and running out of ideas, she does the next thing that comes to mind (besides hitting him). Dani flips on the shower. Malcolm gasps as he’s hit with a spray of cold water in his face, reaching out and grabbing on to Dani’s arms for support, still trying to break out of whatever nightmare he’s trapped in.
“Its okay,” Dani says again and again, her voice louder now competing with the roar of the shower spray. “Calm down, you’re okay.”
Dani forcefully holds Malcolm in the direct spray of water, despite the surprised and freezing gasps he is letting out. She feels some remorse, but she needs him to come back to reality. She continues to repeat soothing phrases as she pushes him under the water, a balance of rough and gentle helpfulness as Malcolm fights her for another moment. Dani is halfway in the tub now and feels the icy water soaking her clothes and hair. In a rejuvenated wave of terrified delusion, Malcolm lets out a desperate sob and grips Dani’s arms harder. Dani gives up and steps in to the shower, pinning Malcolm against the wall with her body.
“You’re okay. It’s okay.” Dani lowers her tone a little, resting her forehead against Malcolm’s. Malcolm starts to relax, though his breathing is still heavy and laced with fear. Dani leans against him and blocks some of the spray of the water so she can see if he’s coherent. He doesn’t make eye contact with her, but suddenly holds on to the front of her shirt and lets out a frustrated sob. Exhausted, Malcolm’s legs tremble under him and Dani gently guides him down to the floor of the shower.
Joining him on the ground, Dani reaches over and shuts off the water, taking a deep breath of both relief and disbelief as she pulls Malcolm into an embrace. They’re both soaking wet and cold, but all she wants to do is hold him. She doesn’t think she has ever seen anyone so scared or vulnerable in her life. She shakes her head and focuses, gathering Malcolm against her and holding him almost painfully tight. He’s still breathing heavily and shaking uncontrollably. Dani just squeezes him tighter. Her knees hurt from the awkward angle she is sitting in, and she feels like she just survived an assault and near-drowning; she can not believe how things just escalated.
“I’ve got you,” she soothes, brushing Malcolm’s sopping hair out of his face. He’s clinging to her like his life depends on it, hands grasped tight on the front of her shirt. He suddenly lets out a scared whimper and shifts in her grasp, perhaps still hallucinating something unpleasant. Dani readjusts her hold on him and brings her other hand up to hold his head to her chest, shielding him from whatever isn’t really there.
“Shhh, I’ve got you”, she says again. Her protective instincts are kicking in, but it's hard to save someone from a threat you cannot see. Dani is vaguely aware of how wet and uncomfortable she is, but that is a small price to pay if she can bring comfort to the traumatized profiler who is trembling uncontrollably in her arms.
“Just relax, okay? I’m right here.” Dani whispers. Her voice provides an endless string of whispered comforts as she fills the silence to let Malcolm know she is there. This wasn’t just a night terror though - she can not counteract the effects of the drugs that are still in his system. She rests her head on top of Malcolm’s for a second, taking her own deep breath and trying to calm herself. “Just breathe… we’re okay.” She says, as if trying to convince them both.
Dani is unsure how much time has passed, though the minutes seem to drag on for hours. As the adrenaline rush fades, she starts to feel pinpricks of icy daggers and the cool air rushing across every bit of her exposed skin. She runs her hands over Malcolm, who is cold to the touch, clothes plastered to his trembling body. Her new priority is dry clothes and recovering from whatever just happened.
“You with me?” Dani whispers in to Malcolm’s hair. He nods back at her and she takes a deep breath of relief. “Let’s get dry, okay?” She rubs his back, feeling him shivering.
She lets him go for a moment, standing up and then helping him after her. Malcolm is unsteady and grabs on to her like he is going to fall over. He squeezes his eyes shut for a minute to get his bearings. Dani takes a moment to be thankful that he has calmed down a notch.
“The room is spinning,” Malcolm whines. Dani nods understandingly and helps him out of the shower, repeating to him that it’s okay. Dani grabs a nearby towel that was hanging on the back of the door and runs it over Malcolm’s hair a few times before wrapping it around his shoulders. She just keeps telling him it’s okay - it feels ridiculously repetitive, but she can’t think of anything else to say.
Dani walks Malcolm out of the bathroom, watching him carefully as he nervously surveys the living area for threats. She rubs his back a little as they walk, trying to keep him grounded and reassured. A nagging part of her wants him back in her arms completely, and she suppresses the feeling, calling herself irrational.
Don’t get attached. He’s not a puppy.
Malcolm stands by the edge of the bed, looking a little lost, eyes downcast. Dani pushes some clothes in front of him. “Can you get these on?” She is oddly willing to help, but prefers to avoid any awkward situations that include undressing him.
Thankfully Malcolm nods and shakily takes the clothes from her. Dani disappears into the bathroom with her go-bag for a minute and quickly changes into something dry and casual. She gives herself a mirror pep-talk before going back out.
This is just a babysitting job. Punishment for disobeying orders. That’s it. Stop getting attached.
Dani heads back out into the main room and finds Malcolm sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, fidgeting with his sleeves. Dani watches him for a second. He is in black sweatpants and a long-sleeved dark shirt, his hair damp and falling in his face. She is reminded of how young he really is, a fragile frame wrapped in years of painful experiences. Okay, how could anyone dislike him? He was kind of a wild ride to work with, but looking at him now, all Dani can see is a traumatized boy. She approaches him quietly, not really sure what to say. She crawls up and sits next to him on the bed.
When he looks at her, her heart sinks. He looks exhausted. He bites his bottom lip nervously for a second, staring back down at his lap before quietly muttering “I’m sorry.”
Dani felt like she’d been slapped. She quickly grabs Malcolm’s hand, startling him a little. “ None of this is your fault.” She tells him firmly. She was suddenly reminded that Malcolm had come to the club looking for her …
“I’m the one who’s sorry,” she says. “I kind of got us into this mess.”
Malcolm gives her a sweet half-smile, before grimacing and drawing his knees to his chest, resting his forehead on them. Dani frowns sympathetically. She figures Malcolm has maxed out the high portion of his trip, and would be crashing back to normal now. She feels bad for him, knowing that he never slept anyways - this wasn’t going to help at all.
“Why do people do this for fun ?” Malcolm asks sincerely. Dani giggles and can’t help but rub his back once.
Stop touching him.
“Well, I think most people only use a little bit at a time…” she replies. She didn’t want to make fun of him, but the idea that he thought a recreational dose and an entire explosion of drugs had the same effect was adorable.
Dani watches a few drops of water drip from the ends of Malcolm's hair, running down his face and catching in his rough 5 o'clock shadow. Grabbing a towel, Dani scoots closer to him and runs the towel across his hair a few times. Her movements are slow and purposeful as she gently tugs on his hair to dry it. She puts her hand on the side of his face to steady him as she continues, brushing at the strands that have fallen in his face. Malcolm is watching her hesitantly as she takes care of him, the process simple, yet intimate. The rhythmic motion is comforting and Dani's touch feels like fire on his cold skin.
Suddenly aware of herself and how hard her heart is pounding, Dani stands up and watches Malcolm for a minute. He looks lost and worried. “I’m going to make us some tea or something, okay? Just stay put.”
Malcolm wraps his arms around himself, self-soothing, and nods. Dani still does not let him out of her sight while she makes the tea. He is still jumpy and now obviously not feeling well. She keeps talking to him from the kitchen, trying to distract him from whatever he keeps staring at and scooting away from. She feels this naturally caring instinct kick in that is foreign to her - an instinct that tells her to do or say anything to keep Malcolm safe and get him through the night. She was failing miserably at suppressing her growing affection for this “disaster magnet”, as JT often called him.
Dani watches Malcolm slowly stand up off the bed, teetering a little. She notes how soft and innocent he looks all disheveled in his current attire. It is the polar opposite to his usually crisp, rich attire. He sways a bit before heading in to the bathroom. She eyes the door nervously.
I swear if we have to shower in cold water again…
A few seconds later Dani hears Malcolm coughing quietly and she grimaces sympathetically, feeling sorry that her new friend has reached the ‘uncontrollable retching’ part of detoxing. She glances at the clock and tiredly rubs her eyes at the “0200” reading. Dani pours hot water into two mugs and rummages through a couple of cabinets looking for tea. She is pleasantly surprised to find a box of Earl Grey, which she then adds to the mugs before heading over and knocking on the bathroom door.
“Bright?” No answer. “Hey. Malcolm, you okay?”
I can’t do this anymore.
Dani opens the door just slightly, hoping not to find him unconscious or in a fit of panic in the bathtub again. Instead he is curled up on the floor, one arm draped across the edge of the toilet, head resting tiredly on his forearm, looking pathetic. Dani put her hand on his back, “You okay?” Malcolm nods, eyes still closed.
Only a minute passes before he retches again painfully. Dani cringes and rubs Malcolm’s back, his muscles tense under her hand. He takes a few deep breaths before muttering “I’m sorry” at her. Again, Dani does not hesitate to curb his self-hatred. She grabs his arm to help him stand.
“Oh, honey, its okay. This happens - its normal, unfortunately.” She says, pulling him off the ground. She holds onto him while he waits for the room to stop swimming. He hesitates and appears to start sinking back to the tile.
“C’mon,” she coaxes, “we aren’t sleeping on the bathroom floor. You can do this - think of it as a mental game.”
“What makes you think I’m mentally capable of playing this game?” Malcolm murmurs guiltily, bashing his own mental health.
Dani turns him to face her and cups her hand under his chin so he will look at her. The moment reminds her of that first case, the relief that had flooded her to touch him after being so close to watching him die. Now she could not help but let her thumb rub soothingly across the stubble on his jaw. Malcolm’s pretty eyes meet hers, all unsure, bright blue, and tear-filled. It really was physically painful to see him like this. Dani finds that she truly prefers his over-the-top self confidence and annoying sass.
“Because you’re stubborn as hell; if there’s anyone that knows that about you, it’s me.” She smiles sweetly, not unaware of the fact that the reassuring smile he gives back is pretty fake. Even feeling miserable, he is trying to reassure her . She tugs on him and pulls him out to the living room again.
“Come sit on the couch with me. I made us tea - and I want to know the story behind the parakeet.” Yes she was trying to distract him, but she was damned determined to make it work in her favor.
Malcolm follows Dani out to the couch and obediently sits in the corner of the couch. He suddenly seemed to be banishing himself to the farthest corner away from her, putting a solid 3 feet of couch space between them. Dani is a bit offended, and maybe a little disappointed, but she can see the devastation on Malcolm’s face - he was distancing himself on purpose. Dani’s heart sinks - he did not even find himself deserving of her affection? She could practically see the self-doubt going through Malcolm’s head. From what he had said earlier, she doubted any of his “friends” had ever stuck around when things got tough - this was a lot for normal people to handle.
Normal is boring, anyways.
“You know earlier, when you said I could trust you?” Dani reminds him. Malcolm nods and looks at her endearingly, like he was ready to take care of whatever Dani needed, or listen to any secret she was about to divulge. Instead, Dani put her hand on top of his. “You can trust me, too.”
Malcolm was caught off guard at this sentiment and barely held it together, not altogether in control of regulating his emotions right now. His jaw trembles a bit as he struggles to control his breathing. Dani can see him trying not to fall apart on her, but she wants him to know that he can. Instead, he pulls a typical Malcolm and waves his hand at her extravagantly, “I’m fine. Really. Feeling better, actually.”
Dani smiles stiffly at him, knowing very well that he was playing his usual manic, dismissive game. She gives up and sadly realizes that he is probably going to shut down on her now. She asks him to tell her about the bird, and he quietly starts to talk to her. She asks multiple follow-up questions, getting him to just talk to her.
As Malcolm talks, Dani tests the water and slides a little closer. Eventually she props her arm up on the back of the couch and lets her hand brush along Malcolm’s shoulder. She can see him starting to get tired, but fighting it. Dani brings her hand up and brushes it through his hair, tucking it behind his ear like she’s seen him do a hundred times. Malcolm looks up at her for a moment before ducking his head down and staring at his lap again. Dani does not quit though, but just keeps repeating the motion, brushing his hair back. Eventually Malcolm looks over at her shyly, eyelashes fluttering a bit, his eyes seeming to grant her permission to move closer. Dani puts her arm around him and coaxes him to lean against her. He does, resting his head on her shoulder and taking a deep breath, relaxing into her a bit. Dani smiles to herself at this small victory. Malcolm is warm and soft and his hair smells amazing. She rests her head on top of his, keeping her arm around his shoulders and running her fingers gently up and down his bicep.
“I can’t sleep.” Malcolm says, his voice barely above a whisper and laced with desperation.
Dani gives him a squeeze, “I’m not sure if this counts as trying.”
“No, I mean… I can’t . I haven’t slept in more than 3 days…” He explains, his tone agitated. He sits up again, and Dani instantly feels a pang of loneliness from the loss of contact. “The...my memories its… its gotten so bad. I just can’t sleep.”
Dani listens to him explain, tears welling up in his light eyes as he gets frustrated with himself. She does feel sympathetic for him - he was already sleepless, but now to top it off with a drug frenzy, he is overtired and overwhelmed. There was nothing worse than wanting to sleep and not being able to.
“Let me try to help.” She offers. When he looks at her, she thinks she might melt from the expression on his face, his eyes blue pools of emotion.
“Maybe it will help to have someone here… sometimes company helps.” Under any other circumstances, Dani would have plummeted into some sort of innuendo, but now was not the time.
Before Malcolm could process what she was suggesting, Dani stands up from the couch, starting to feel exhausted herself. She puts a hand out for Malcolm and smiles sweetly as he takes it and lets her lead him. At this point she was damned determined to give him a restful and safe night’s sleep. She leads him over to the bed and tells him to lay down. He sits, starting to put the wrist restraints on, but Dani stops him. Malcolm looks mortified at the thought of not wearing them, shaking his head at her in protest. Dani sits on the edge of the bed and grabs his hands again to keep him from trying to grab the restraints.
“ Trust me.” She urges him. He tries to argue with her, muttering something about ‘being dangerous’, though he was not making a whole lot of sense. Dani can feel the worry radiating off of him and wonders how he functioned under this much stress on a daily basis.
“Hey, look at me,” she tries. “Trust me. I’ve got you, okay? You’re not gonna hurt me - I can handle you.” She adds with a sly smile. She can see Malcolm processing everything, formulating his argument, but she knows this is an argument she will ultimately win. She had seen him in the throes of terror at the precinct that day… and they had just survived the bathroom panic attack. How much worse could it get?
“I’ve got you,” Dani repeats. She puts her hands on Malcolm’s arms and gently coaxes him to lay on his side on the bed. He pulls a pillow over from the top of the bed, and curls himself up into a ball around it. It is a sweetly childish move and makes Dani smile. Dani lays down on the bed behind him, at which he startles and protests again that what she’s doing is dangerous.
Dani scoffs and shushes him, “Its okay .” She’s never known anyone to protest comfort this much.
She scoots in to spoon behind Malcolm, wrapping her arms around his torso and holding him to her. He is stiff and hesitant, and Dani imagines this is a first for him - here she was, blatantly accepting his trauma and ignoring the risks at the same time. She tucks her face into his shoulder and takes a deep, steadying breath, feeling Malcolm start to relax a little in her grasp. He mimics her deep breath, following her lead. She can feel him trembling, and his heart is racing frantically under the palm of her hand. She keeps offering little reassurances, desperate for him to relax and accept her comfort.
Dani’s mind races a little, wondering if anyone had ever held Malcolm like this? It didn’t get past her how awkward he was whenever anyone touched him or showed any kind of affection. From what she’d gathered, the best relationship he had was with his bird. His family was...different... and no new acquaintances ever stuck around - most people bailed because caring for Malcolm Bright wasn’t easy. It was work. Dani knew what line she was crossing, but she couldn’t help it. She’d known him just long enough to know he deserved to be cared for - and if no one else was going to do it right, she was volunteering. She wanted to.
A strong tremor wracks Malcolm’s frame and Dani gives him a reassuring squeeze. Malcolm lets out a frustrated breath, annoyed with himself for not being able to just shut his mind off, control his anxiety, and go to sleep within 5 minutes. Dani nuzzles into his shoulder lovingly, “It’s alright,” she whispers. He is still too worked up to sleep, and Dani knows that it just going to take time and some patience.
The silence is almost a little unsettling in the apartment, so Dani speaks up quietly, “You know… I was kind of a troublemaker as a kid.” Malcolm lets out a breathy laugh, relaxing at the sudden distraction.
“Its true,” Dani continues, “I spent more time in the principal’s office than I did in class.” She props herself up on one arm, keeping Malcolm close to her with the other. With her head elevated, she can see him smiling to himself and it makes her grin.
She hooks her leg over his, keeping him from moving, easing the tremors, and acting like a weighted blanket. He was used to sleeping feeling trapped … she wants him to sleep tonight feeling safe. She holds him to her with an open hand, letting her fingers rub circles on his chest while she continues to talk, just random stories from her childhood.
Dani talks for almost an hour, but finally notices that Malcolm appears to be asleep. She is mid sentence and without altering her tone, she tests him.
“So after we got off the bus...I think you’re asleep…” She quiets and waits, but he does not respond to her.
Dani smiles, leaning forward and kissing Malcolm’s shoulder before resting her head against him. He wouldn’t remember this anyways.
“I’m right here. You’re safe,” she repeats, closing her eyes, ready to put the day behind them.