Archive of Our Own

BuzzFeed ✔ @BuzzFeed Netflix Just Dropped Richie Tozier’s New Stand-Up Special and You Should Seriously Watch It Right Now

Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier i wake up and am assaulted with gifs of my own face. #badmorning #eddiewontstoplaughing

just a lint licker @thedancinglobster this is actually a #joyousday #richietozier @thefakerichietozier

Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier holy shit I’m trending??? [sallyfield.gif]

@bevmarshfashion @eddiek & 2,974 other users liked this tweet

Closed Captioning Enabled

[...] is why I have a rightful aversion to mullets to this very day. I went to an eighties themed party last month and it was one of the worst night of my life.

[Audience laughter]

Thankfully, Eddie was there -

[Audience cheering]

Yeah! That’s my reaction whenever I think about him!

[Richie Tozier laughs]

Eddie was there and he has the same aversion to mullets - thanks childhood trauma, you scarred seven kids for a fairly benign, if not ugly as fuck, hairstyle - but it wasn’t as though we could leave the party. No, seriously, we really couldn’t, it’s the honest to god truth. So Eddie and I, okay? The two of us - between the two of us we’ve made exactly three new friends in the past year. In no way were we going to ruin two of those three friendships by bringing our mullet trauma into their eighties party - I mean, if nothing else, it’s just bad party manners, okay? Even I know that, and I’ve never been one for proper party decorum.

I mean - and this is a true story, you guys - I was over at my friend Stan’s house when we were, like, fourteen, okay? Now, there’s two things you need to know about fourteen-year-old Stan and Richie: one, we were little shits who only enabled each other, and; two, his parents were actually pretty awesome and begrudgingly allowed said shit if we weren’t too obviously crazy stupid about it.

[Pause]

We were always crazy stupid about it, we couldn’t help ourselves - it was like a goddamn condition.

[Audience laughter]

Anyways, so that particular night -

Program Paused

[22:17] Stan Richie, I swear, if you told the story I think you did…

[22:19] Bev That was actually a true story???

[22:19] Bev Stanley Uris, I never truly knew you

[22:20] Patty Not surprised. He did almost the exact same thing one night when we were dating.

[22:21] Mike And you didn’t immediately break up with him?

[22:21] Patty I found it strangely endearing.

[22:22] Bev Awww, that’s disgusting <3

[22:23] Patty Right? And this was when he didn’t remember doing it the first time.

[22:23] Mike Some things never leave you.

[22:23] Audra okay, so i guess i actually need to watch this thing now.

[22:23] Bill Is that where that scar is from?

[22:24] Stan No comment.

[22:24] Audra so yes.

[22:25] Stan You don’t even know what we’re tlking about--you haven’t seen the special.

[22:25] Bill *talking

[22:25] Bev talking

[22:25] Stan Bill, change your netflix password.

[22:26] Mike Talking

[22:26] Stan Oh, fuck you guys.

[22:26] Patty *Tlking

[22:26] Patty Crap.

[22:27] Audra i’ve finally found my people

Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stantheman How?

@thefakerichietozier @marshfashions @benhanscomdesign & 341 other users liked this tweet

Patricia @pattystweeter And also ‘why’? @stantheman.

Movie Buzz @moviebuzznews Is Bill Denbrough’s new film nothing more than Oscar bait? Discuss.

steven with a ph @rikernobeard it’s a horror movie @moviebuzznews so by that alone i’m going to say no.

incredible but inedible @adamsparrish It’s absolutely Oscar-bait, @moviebuzznews. Empty, makes you cry during the middle, ultimately meaningless...

@audraaaden @mikehanlon @billdenbrough58 & 43 other users liked this tweet

Dakota Unification @heatherjay2021 I know we stan Bill Denbrough through eveyrthing @adamsparrish but have you seen this pic???? found it on fuckgin 4chan of all places

Page Six ✔ @PageSix @billdenbrough58 caught kissing another man while his wife @audraaaden is doing final press tour for their eighth joint project, The Varsity Hour.

🚀💯🚀 @dizaminnelli never liked bill denbrough anyways.

MARIA @agirlnamedmaria maybe this means i can swoop in and hope that audra denbrough likes women amirite @leslienoooope???

Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier truly surprised that pic wasn’t with @mikehanlon, @billdenbrough58.

Ben Hanscom 🏠 ✔ @benhanscomdesign And that @audraaaden wasn’t watching. @thefakerichietozier.

Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden paparazzi finally got more than a Bigfoot blur of you @stantheman - congrats bb, you’re now having an affair with bill.

Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stantheman I’d rather not, thanks @audraaaden.

Bill Denbrough ✔ @billdenbrough58 I thought all of you had crushes on me when we were kids. Where has that love gone, Stanley? I am bereft. (Context of kiss: we teamed up to bankrupt @eddiek.)

Eddie Kaspbrak ✔ @eddiek rich kept slipping me $500s that he stole from the bank @billdenbrough58 @stantheman.

Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions I was handing them over to him happily @eddiek - I never want a Stan/Bill win.

Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden the man in that picture is happily married @PageSix but, so you still have a scoop, @billdenbrough58 and i do share a mistress ;)

Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stantheman Have you ever played a game of Monopoly where you haven’t cheated, @marshfashions?

@marshfashions replied to @stantheman

No.

F A S H I O N B A B Y @bradsmith420 i hope that @audraaadens mistress is that librarian mike that their friends with because he’s a total hottie and i would pay to see the three of them @richardtozierd

is mayonnaise an instrument? @richardtozierd @bradsmith420 ¿¿¿ikr???

I… Am a Librarian @mikehanlon So, what’d I miss?

From Altair 4 @jamesgarener @mikehanlon [troywithpizza.gif]

Incoming call from Bill.

Accept?

(1) new voicemail from Bill

[Audio transcript] H-hey, it’s Bill, but you p-probably already know that because, you know, Call-ler ID. Um… Is evvv-verything ok-kay? Call-... Call me back. Bye.

[21:27] Bev Soooo

[21:27] Patty The drama of it all.

[21:28] Audra okay, so on a scale of 1 to 10…

[21:28] Bev 7--this is manageable

[21:28] Bev It’s probably his own thing, anyways. Mike has always been prone to isolation when he’s going through his own stuff.

[21:29] Audra hes going to atlanta, bev

[21:29] Bev Different isolation. One time when we were like 15 or so, he made sure to hang out with everyone except for bill right in front of his face for like a week.

[21:30] Patty Which came first, the weirdness or the alien-spider clown?

[21:30] Bev The weirdness is how we survived the spider-clown.

[21:31] Bev But seriously audra, it’ll be fine.

[21:31] Bev Even if nothing actually happens, the nine of us pretty much locked in solid you know?

[21:32] Bev I really feel as though you’re the only two people who would accept this shit with so much ease.

[21:32] Patty xoxoxo

[21:32] Audra <33333

[21:33] Patty Now go to bed, Audra, I know what time it is over there.

[21:33] Audra yes mom

[21:34] Audra but im just saying that you ladies should place whatever bets you might have on me

[21:34] Audra because audra phillips denbrough is headed back to the states and ready to get everyones shit together

[21:35] Audra and probably make it worse tbh.

[21:36] Patty Chin up, Charlie.

[21:36] Bev Fuck that movie, and fuck grandpa joe.

[21:37] Audra rtyi reddit.com/r/grandpajoehate

[21:38] Patty [gothefucktosleep.mp3]

Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden always having to do everything myself #dumbassery