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For the first time in what felt like months, Robbe was going home with the ability to say he had a good day.
Moyo had completely surprised him with what he’d said after Robbe had come out of his exam. It wasn’t as though Robbe thought they were no longer friends, but he hadn’t been able to erase the memory of Moyo’s disgusted face and “gross” when he’d first told them about Sander.
The hug had been the best thing in the world. Maybe Moyo didn’t mean to make him feel so small but his verbal acceptance of Robbe had made the younger boy feel like everything was finally falling back into place. It felt like coming home.
Now, he actually was going home. He didn’t know what to expect when he stepped through the door but knowing who was waiting for him was enough to have him cycling faster on his bike.
Robbe had been texting Milan throughout the day to check on Sander. He’d texted his boyfriend directly a few times but understood that Sander was likely to sleep most of the day and so he sent gentle phrases such as, “Can’t wait to see you,” and “I’ll bring something home for dinner, okay?”
Sander’s replies had been minimal but Robbe didn’t mind. Knowing his boyfriend was safe was enough to keep him at ease, along with Milan’s updates throughout the day since he’d had a day off university.
The flat was quiet when Robbe stepped inside. Zoe’s door was closed and Senne’s car wasn’t outside so Robbe assumed they were both busy. Robbe’s bedroom door was also closed, but he continued past it for the moment.
Milan was in the kitchen. Some pop artist was playing on the radio in the corner but Milan had kept the volume at a minimal level as to not disturb the rest of the flat’s occupants. It didn’t stop him from dancing along to it though.
He stopped shimmying when he noticed Robbe in the doorway. “Oh, Robbe! You’re home. How was your exam?”
“It was okay.” Robbe smiled. “How was your day?”
“I’m thinking I should change my major to becoming a caretaker,” Milan pondered jokingly. “Zoe’s been cooped up in her room all day too. She didn’t go to school.”
“I’m sorry,” Robbe apologised. “I never meant to-“
Milan held a hand up a smiled warmly. “I’m joking, Robbe. I’m happy to do it. Really, your boyfriend was no trouble at all. He’s mainly been sleeping all day. I asked if he wanted lunch earlier but he said he wasn’t hungry.”
“Has he been up at all?”
“He’s been to the bathroom a few times. That’s about it.”
“Okay,” Robbe nodded, moving to leave the kitchen. “Thankyou Milan, really.”
“Robbe?”
Robbe turned and Milan sent him a knowing look. “I know sometimes these things seem hard, but just don’t forget to take care of yourself too, okay?”
“I won’t.” Robbe promised, thinking back to the day he’d had as it sent a smile to his face. “Thankyou .”
He left the kitchen and walked down the hall. Zoe’s door was still shut and Robbe reminded himself to check on her later too.
He approached his own closed door at opened it quietly. He stepped inside the room and closed himself in once more. The curtains were pulled across the window, blocking out the sunlight though Robbe could still make out Sander’s sleeping form in the bed.
It wasn’t late, only six o’clock in the evening, but the lack of physical disturbance in the room told Robbe that Sander hadn’t really moved all day, just as Milan said.
The cover was pulled up but Robbe could see that Sander was just the way he’d left him this morning. Shirtless, hair dishevelled from sleeping. He didn’t look sick, just tired.
Robbe set his backpack down and approached the bed. Sander was turned away from him on his side so Robbe gently put one knee on the bed and leaned down on his side as he climbed onto it.
The rustling of the bed sheets caused Sander to stir in his sleep. By the time Robbe was settled, the blonde was awake. He didn’t turn over as he said, voice thick with sleep, “You’re home.”
“Hey,” Robbe whispered softly, refraining from touching Sander yet. “How are you feeling?”
“Shouldn’t you know already? You’ve had Milan checking in on me all day.”
A rush of guilt went through Robbe but Sander rolled over before it could amplify in his mind. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologise.”
“You were just looking out for me.”
“It doesn’t mean I have to treat you like a puppy that needs to be watched at all times.”
“You weren’t,” Sander mumbled. “If needing to know I’m okay helps ease your mind to complete your exam, I’m alright with that.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t trust you.”
“Who said anything about you not trusting me?”
“I thought maybe it was implied.”
“It wasn’t.”
Robbe was quiet for a moment. He thought perhaps he’d overstepped with having Milan checking up on Sander every hour but his mind was eased when Sander took his hand. “How was your day?”
A smile broke out on his face again before Robbe quickly hid it. Maybe it was stupid but he wasn’t sure if Sander would want to hear about how good his day had been given the state he’d been in recently. Maybe it would be too much too soon.
“Stop it.”
Robbe frowned. “Stop what?”
“You’ve got that look on your face.”
“What look?”
“The look that says you’re holding something back.”
“Sander-“
Sander sat up a little, eyes hardening as he watched Robbe and said sternly, “I want to hear about your day, whether it was good or absolutely terrible. Don’t hold back just because you think I don’t want to hear about it.”
“Sorry.”
“Robbe.”
Robbe smiled again, looking up a little as he said, “My day was…amazing.”
Sander collapsed back against the pillows again. “Yeah?”
“I mean, I still had my exam. But after, um,”
“What?” Sander asked.
“Moyo apologised to me.”
Sander frowned. “Apologised?”
Robbe cleared his throat awkwardly. He hadn’t told Sander about his friend’s initial reaction to their relationship, and he’d been hoping to not have to. “He, um, didn’t really understand…our relationship, at first, when I told them about it.”
Sander tensed and Robbe knew what memory was playing through his head. He hurried out, “No no, it wasn’t anything…bad. He, um, just said it was…gross.”
A long pause. “Gross?”
“Not like ‘vomit gross’ kind of gross.” Robbe rushed. “He just didn’t understand that I was-“
“One of your best friends said you were gross because you were gay.”
Robbe laughed, somewhat awkwardly. “No, Sander. It wasn’t like that. We talked and, um, he said he thought it was fine and he just didn’t know how to say it at first. We hugged and it’s…fine. Really.”
Sander didn’t seem convinced. He asked, “Did he hurt you?”
“I mean, at first I guess I was a little…sad. But he never meant to hurt me.”
“And you’ve accepted his apology.”
“Yes.”
“And that makes you happy?”
“Yes.”
Sander closed his eyes. “Okay.”
Robbe knew that was Sander’s own form of acceptance and he was grateful he didn’t push the topic further. By asking him such questions, Robbe knew Sander was just making sure he was okay with the situation.
“Is that why your day was so good?” Sander mumbled in a sleep-choked baritone.
“Kind of. I mean, mostly. But…I don’t know.” Robbe laughed to himself. “Aaron’s really hung up on Amber. He asked if I would do him.”
Sander raised an eyebrow. “Would you?”
“No,” Robbe laughed again. “I wouldn’t do any of my friends. Except of course it we were on a deserted island and the only other option was death.”
Sander stared at him and said nothing. Robbe laughed. “Don’t worry. Long story.”
“I think the thing about today was just,” Robbe trailed off before looking back down at Sander. “Easy, you know? Everything just felt right again. Like…”
“Coming up after being underwater for so long?”
Robbe smiled down at Sander, understanding that Sander would know what that feeling was like. “Yeah.”
Sander played with Robbe’s fingers and closed his eyes as he said, “I’m happy that you’re happy. I like seeing you smile again.”
Robbe couldn’t tell Sander how much his smile meant to him as well yet. That was too much pressure to place on someone who only needed love and acceptance right now.
So that’s what he did. Reaching out, Robbe ran his fingers softly through Sander’s blonde hair as Sander traced small circles on Robbe’s other hand. They were quiet for a moment, both content to just sit in one another’s presence.
It was then Sander opened his eyes again and noticed the white plastic bag at Robbe’s side. “What’s that?”
Robbe looked down. Milan had said Sander hadn’t eaten all day but he’d bought food just in case. “Oh, that’s dinner.”
Sander frowned. “What is it?”
Pulling the bag closer, Robbe opened it so Sander could see inside. He slowly pulled out the contents. “Fresh bread, butter, ham. I didn’t know if you’d want to eat or not but I figured I’d get it just in case. The bakery over by the library is still open at this time.”
“What do you intend to make?”
Robbe grinned. “Croques.”
And oh how Sander smiled. It took over his face and reached into his eyes with a newfound happiness Robbe hadn’t seen in what felt like too long.
It made him happy, and Robbe knew he’d burn cities just to see that smile.
Sander seemed like he was struggling to find words so he ended up pushing the bag to the side and lifting one arm lazily in the air. “Lay with me?”
Robbe was curled into his side in a heartbeat. Sander wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer as they rested their heads on the same pillow, nose to nose. Sander’s eyes were shut and Robbe took the time to study his face.
“I don’t deserve you,” Sander muttered, seemingly more to himself than Robbe but Robbe still answered.
“You deserve the world,” he whispered back.
The promise could never be literally fulfilled, but Robbe would try his hardest everyday to show Sander his worth and how much he meant to him.
Ever since they’d first met, things had not been easy. Their relationship was all over the place but Robbe felt they were finally falling into a place that the both of them needed, and well and truly deserved after everything.
Robbe didn’t know how to deal with Bipolar Disorder. His Mum was being treated by professionals for her own mental illness so he’d never seen the recovery in action.
Instead, all he could do was be there for Sander. He wouldn’t rush him, wouldn’t ask him to be happy when he wasn’t. He wouldn’t dismiss his feelings, his thoughts, his dreams and desires. If Sander wanted them, Robbe would be by his side the whole time and if things got too much, he knew they’d always be there to pull each other back from whatever edge they’d stepped on to at the time.
Moyo’s ‘minute by minute’ speech resonated with Robbe because it was true. Sometimes even a day was too much to plan so Robbe would take whatever came their way and process it only in one minute intervals.
“What are you thinking?” Sander asked from somewhere above him.
Robbe moved closer to him. “Just what we should do in this minute.”
“In this minute, we’re going to lay like this.” Sander said. “But in the next minute, I think I’m going to kiss you.”
“If that’s what you want.”
“Is that what you want?”
Robbe responded by moving up so he could slowly kiss Sander. It was gentle and intimate and filled with only the things they were feeling during that minute. Love, understanding, appreciation.
Sander kissed him then broke away, mumbling, “I need to go home sometime. I can’t be taking up your space all the time.”
Robbe wanted to tell him to stay. Tell him to be here forever. Tell him to never leave.
But he couldn’t. Because that wasn’t what they needed. They didn’t need to pressure of forever when Robbe had already promised it to Sander in every kiss they shared.
So instead, he said, “Right here, laying with you like this in your arms. That’s my home.”
And if it was possible, Sander pulled Robbe closer and Robbe knew everything was on its way to being alright because at the end of the day, they would always find a way to be okay again.