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“Stand back everyone,” Guster said, creating a circle, rounding out the group that had gathered in the middle of the precinct. “Give the man some room, okay? Give him some room!”
Lassiter, who had made a trip to the bathroom and was on his way back to his desk, was pulled in by the doofus duo’s latest act. It had to be better than the pile of paperwork he’s got waiting for him.
“The spirits are chattering and I can’t be the only one hearing it. Gather around for storytime, guys, gals, and non-binary pals. Get ready to have your minds blown! A tale of murder, deceit, and saukraut is itching to be told.”
As far as he knew, Spencer and Guster didn’t have a case at the moment. There was nothing that could hold their interest long enough to get a bust.
“Try not to gasp, everyone, as I reveal a hard-boiled killer. I’m looking at you, Lassie. I know you can’t help but gasp.” Spencer had the gall to wink at him, looking good for a man squat walking around a circle of peers.
“How about you get on with it, Spencer?”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Lassie?” Spencer bopped him on the nose as he walked by, strutting more than stretching. “All in due time, all in due time.”
There were a few eyes straying over to look at him but a no nonsense glare had them focusing on anything but him.
“Hold onto your skulls, people, because your minds are about to get blown.” Guster hyped, bringing in the few stranglers that hadn't already been brought in by their antics.
“Murder.” Spencer paused for effect. Real police didn’t need effect. “A murder most foul has been commited and I’m not talking about Tim the Turkey. A tale of deceit, treachery, mistaken identity and bagels. When will the madness end?” He shouted at the ceiling, making some jump. “I’ll tell you when. Right now.”
“Right now!” Guster repeated.
“I have been shown the truth. The perfect crime that no one knew even happened, is about to be foiled before your very eyes about a Mr. John Walker.”
Wasn’t that the missing guy that came across his desk a week ago? No leads, no idea where he’d gone. After some looking into it, O’Hara and him had passed it onto other detectives.
“Mr. John Walker, a man with a plan and a conveniently vacant building, knew that his buddy, Jerry, was taking the lion’s share of the profits from their tiny little food truck, John and Jerry’s. A place Gus and I have patronized many a time. A bit too healthy for us, but overall good meat ratio. Gus?”
“The sauce was good, but not enough.”
“Agreed.” Spencer thought for a moment. “With anger in his heart, and rage in his eyes, he took Phillips to the warehouse, tied him to a chair, which was pretty kinky, if I do say so myself. With just enough time to scare the shit out of him, he left him there to freak. When he got back, after a long day, there was his cook untying his man.
“Walker couldn’t let that happen. No, siree. So what did he do? The truck was becoming more than it was worth, all the hassle. So what did he do? He let it burn, baby, burn. The remains we found in that truck weren’t Jerry’s. Can I get a gasp?”
Guster was right there to back him up, breathing in a little too enthusiastically, choking on his own spit.
“Walker knew that after that, the cops would be looking for someone to put the screws to. He had Jerry and his plan for him was bungled by the cook. He needed a plan and he wasn’t quick on his feet. He wasn’t fast on his flippers. Buying some time, he left him there. I’m seeing a bird. No, it’s a plane. A small little plane. Jules, isn’t there something about a plane?”
O’Hara, who was standing at her desk, started fumbling with some paperwork that had been piling up on her desk. “Walker’s brother left him a small aircraft when he passed a few years ago.”
“Does he have a pilot's license?” Spencer’s arms spread wide and he started to zoom around the circle, crashing into him for good measure.
“No, not that I know of.”
“Well, a man doesn’t need a licence to take to the air. Superman doesn’t have one. Back me up, Gus.”
“Superman, nor Iron Man. Shazam doesn’t even have a driver’s license.” Guster listed, well versed in Superheros. Green Lantern came to mind but he wasn’t about to add to the lunacy. “Wait, wasn’t there a plane crash a few days ago? John Doe recovered from the scene.”
“That’s right, Gus. Look at you, my man. Up to date on local news. Only one man recovered from the scene, the other found dead. But who is who? Send a car over to the Santa Barbara Hospital and find out!”
People would think it was the end of some street act, the way the spectators were clapping left and right. O’Hara appeared next to him, keys in her hand. “Ready to go partner?”
“Thank you!” Spencer said with a bow. Guster met him in the middle, holding up his arm like he was the next hot dog eating champion, which was probably possible compared to the other ludicrous titles and skills he boasted about on a regular basis. “ And Gasp, part two! Lassie has been checking out my ass this entire time.”
“After I kill him.” He started at him but O’Hara held him back with a hand on his elbow.
“Let's get this guy and then maybe.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
“Hey, Lassie. Where ya going?” Spencer called after him. “Can we get a ride? We want to be there for the big reveal.”
“I’d have to put a towel down but, wouldn’t you know it? I forgot one at home. Hmm, maybe next time. Wouldn’t want you piddling on the carpet.”
“I’ll have you know that Gus and I are both house and car trained. No accidents in 32 days. 33 after 7pm today.”
“Speak for yourself, I’m 102 days strong.” Guster added.
“Thanks for the tip, but we’ll take it from here.” O’Hara said, pulling on his elbow and walking out the door. He knew, without a doubt, that the two of them would be right behind them.
“Call us if you need us! We gotchu! Baby got back up!”
Killing him wouldn’t be enough.