Work Text:
*
Searching for memories that aren’t there, this heart of mine
Closes itself up, languishes like an old moldy box of trinkets
And then there are these sunken cheeks, these cracked lips-
Bitterness bred in cruelty comes rushing out in silence…
*
He's dragged from the depths of the void, he doesn't know who he is. There is only laughter, the laughter of a child. He knows that the child is familiar to him.
He's playing with the child, it's his own son. He knows that he loves his son so much, and he's his reason to live. He also remembers some other fragments of this life, although they are really blurry. He remembers a younger version of himself being confined, alone; he feels the loneliness and the smell of his books, he's surrounded by the words he wrote.
He remembers the taste of sake, going drinking with friends, picking fights with drunken rage.
He remembers the young man who's younger than him by two years, sitting on the barstool timidly. He's tall, lanky and so melancholic that he feels his sadness.
"Hey young boy, I'll take care of you."
It goes well until he has too much to drink and starts asking absurd questions. And of course, he gets angry about the young man being all passive.
In his drunken rambling, he compares the boy to a floating mackerel and asks him his favorite flower. He looks like he's about to cry, and answers with a timid voice. He says that he likes peach flowers because they're so tiny.
He riles him up until the bastard throws him to the ground on his back, and he's escorted back home.
"I'll remember this for the rest of my life."
And he does, even after the bastard says that "he's a gleaming slug and he didn't want to get tangled up with him". How dare he? He thinks and ends up showing on the bastard's doorstep, probably scaring his poor wife who just said that her husband was asleep.
The rest of his life is just as miserable as before. He loses his beloved son to an illness and he also gets sick, too soon, he thinks. Because he has another son, and he wanted to raise him right unlike the way his parents raised him. Just before he gets enveloped by the darkness, the last thing that he hears is the sound of a baby crying.
*
Gloomy regrets… ever lingering regrets
My former life replete with ridiculous laughter
Has given way to sentimental darkness
Has given way to deep fatigue
*
He finds himself in a library, where he is unable to leave. He's told that he's just a ghost made from paper and ink. A reflection of the man he used to be, and he will fight to protect his books from being destroyed. Once again, he finds solace in drinking, and when the bastard finds him again he throws his sake glass right on his forehead.
This is the same bastard who likes peach blossoms, he knows it because the same melancholy remains. Even though their looks changed drastically, he's the same bastard. This time he has red hair, yellow eyes, and a body less lanky. Easy to torment, and gets flustered when teased.
They fight side by side, they drink together and the bastard keeps taking care of him when he slumps on a corner after drinking too much. He's afraid of the fondness in the bastard's eyes because he never knew such love. He bullies him, calls him "the peach blossom bastard" and he doesn't understand, but still continues to look at him with that damned, damned look.
When he feels a warm hand cupping his cheek after getting injured in a fight, he shudders and shakes the bastard's hand away.
"I love you, C̸̡̞̲̳͈̐̿ͅ^̶̧͔̘͇͙̖̅͆̏̌̒̊͗̿̕͘̕͜ḩ̷̱̳͓̳̖͎͍̹̤̬̇̈́́̍͂̎̈́̋̉̀̌̕͜͝/̸̢̗̼͕̥͇͕͚̑͛̾̑̍̾̿̚̚͝͝ų̴̙͉̰͕͙͉͍̻̰͕͎͆̐̋͛̾̀̂͜%/̴̨̛̭̰͓͚̱͎̜̞͈̞̯͚͚̂̄͋̿̚̕͠u̵͍͎̝̳̯͉̯̱̤̖̞̺̬͇͊͑͆̆͌̂̐̏͗̈́͗͜͝ŷ̸̧͕͖͔̪̝͖̿̌͐͒ͅ^à̶̢̰̭͉̱̩̋͒͝͝-san."
He takes every opportunity to avoid him after that incident but after some worrying glances from his friends, he feels the need to find the bastard and check on him.
He finds the red-haired boy sprawled near a table, an empty sake bottle still in his hand. His eyes are red-rimmed, he had been crying for quite a while.
The tightness in his chest increases when the boy looks at him with those eyes and talks with a voice barely above a whisper.
"Why do you avoid me?"
And his heart breaks when he hears him yell.
"Do you hate me that much?!"
*
Long ago I used to think
Love poems were banal
And now I even find love
Though only in these dreams
*
What was his name again? He doesn't remember his own name or the bastard's name. He misses home, before realizing that the home he was searching for never existed.
He finds himself in the streets, with no name, no place to go. He starts leading a group of kids, in an attempt to find solace.
He has an ability, he can levitate things no matter how heavy. he can control gravity.
The bastard finds him again, this time he's a brunette that has bandages all over him. Enraged by the fact that they met again, He kicks him across the street.
Later, it's revealed that the bastard is now cruel, much crueler than he ever was in their previous life. He thinks that this must be karma, for refusing to accept the red-haired one's feelings, even though--
He loved him too.
They end up being partnered with each other and spend even more time together than the last time, they form a bond--
Didn't they already have an existing soul bond, that causes them to meet again and again?
Their relationship progresses, although they both claim they hate each other. He discovers an unknown, deadly aspect of his ability called corruption and the fact that the bastard's ability can nullify it before it consumes and kills him. They now have a dark reputation, called Double Black, the most vicious duo of Yokohama by friends and foes alike. They gain an unbreakable trust and become closer than ever after one night when the bastard risks his life to save him from corruption, gently grabs his wrist, and lets him fall asleep in his lap.
"Rest, C̸̡̞̲̳͈̐̿ͅ^̶̧͔̘͇͙̖̅͆̏̌̒̊͗̿̕͘̕͜ḩ̷̱̳͓̳̖͎͍̹̤̬̇̈́́̍͂̎̈́̋̉̀̌̕͜͝/̸̢̗̼͕̥͇͕͚̑͛̾̑̍̾̿̚̚͝͝ų̴̙͉̰͕͙͉͍̻̰͕͎͆̐̋͛̾̀̂͜%/̴̨̛̭̰͓͚̱͎̜̞͈̞̯͚͚̂̄͋̿̚̕͠u̵͍͎̝̳̯͉̯̱̤̖̞̺̬͇͊͑͆̆͌̂̐̏͗̈́͗͜͝ŷ̸̧͕͖͔̪̝͖̿̌͐͒ͅ^à̶̢̰̭͉̱̩̋͒͝͝."
*
The winter night
My heart is grieving
Is grieving, without a reason…..
My heart is rusting, turning purple.
*
Their trust is temporarily broken after the bastard leaves the organization they were both in, and simply vanishes. It feels painful, even though he knows greater pain.
But he still cannot recover. He finds solace in alcohol once again, and because he doesn't struggle as a poor poet this time, he buys expensive wine.
Unfortunately, he's still a lightweight and can't enjoy the wine properly before getting drunk off his ass, and leaving the bastard with a bunch of threatening texts and unanswered calls.
The next time he sees him, he'd been looking miserable slumped over the bar table. He feels the traitor's light brown eyes on him, he's wearing a new, beige suit now. He wants to kill him right here.
'What do we do to traitors?' He asks himself.
Make him bite the curb, shoot three times, dump him to the river he wanted to drown in so bad.
He doesn't move a finger as he stares at his face, both eyes visible.
"Why didn't--"
He could only say that, swallowing his pride.
"Why didn't you say goodbye?"
He doesn't know if he's imagining or not, did the demon prodigy's eyes soften, even a little bit? He closes his eyes to shake the thought away, and just shouts, unspeakable pain in his voice.
"Do you hate me that much?!"
*
You occupy my every thought.
Night and day, I’m immersed
In feelings of pure serenity,
And yet I feel somewhat like a rogue.
I’m in love with you, helplessly in love.
*
They work together using corruption two more times, the first time the bastard leaves him asleep on the ground, after cleaning him up, finding his discarded gloves, his hat that got lost in the process, and placing them on his neatly folded coat. He's still angry but can't deny that the action still feels like the bastard cares about him in some way. Does he?
He gets his answer when he uses corruption again.
"...is most likely eliminated at this point..."
He knows that the bastard hasn't died yet. No, it isn't just a feeling, He knows it. Three lifetimes and the damn bastard never died before him.
-Oh grantors of dark disgrace, do not wake me again!-
In his frenzied state, he screams his name.
"DA^̶̼͍̬̭͙̘̞̄̅̂̆͑̽̈́̕%̵̺̫͗͋́̒̿̌͌͘͝͠Z̶̨̬̬̮͖͎̙̥̫̬̦͚͔̏̅̑͛̇̓̀͛̂̈́͝%̷̭̈́́̕͝Ą̴̨̢̡͍̠̗̼͓͎̘̀̀͛̚͜I̸̡̪͎͔̪̩̭̣͐̎̑̊͑̓͋͑̕!̸̢͙̪̤͕̹̺͙͙̗̳̦͉̬̎̅̓͋̎̀̚ ̵̢̳͈͎̯̫̩̇̎̒̐͋́̂̂͛̌͗̍̔͠ "
They're floating in the air, and he feels the pain from using corruption. He knows that he's bleeding internally when he splutters blood. But doesn't care because the only thing in his mind is the bastard below him that looks so, so dead. The rage takes over and he throws a mighty punch, then everything stops.
Suddenly the bastard looks at him with the same fondness in his eyes, with his hand cupping his cheek. So familiar that he remembers another time, the red-haired bastard who liked peach blossoms, cupping his cheek and saying the words he wanted to forget.
This time he doesn't say those words, he just says--
"You used corruption believing in me? How beautiful."
*
I’ve suffered much along the way.
Relating the nature of my suffering though
Concerns me very little.
And whether my suffering
Has any ultimate value to me
Is nothing I give any thought to, either.
*
He thinks that he's dead once again, and given another chance in life. But no, it's a place where everyone besides him is some fictional character. He remembers the mischievous glint in the detective's eyes. He realizes that he's trapped, and the goddamned detective is long gone. He goes on a rampage and starts punching everyone who gets on his way.
But when he's left alone with his own thoughts, soon enough he's able to remember who he is, every single detail of his three lifetimes. Everything starts to make perfect sense, then a familiar feeling frees him from the boundaries of the book. No Longer Human.
"Did you miss me, Chuuya?"
The bastard, with bandages all over his body, calls him by his name.
"Did you... Release me from the goddamned book, Dazai?" Chuuya asks. "You, of all people?"
"Don't be ungrateful, Chuu~ya~ You know that I'm the only one who can do this." Dazai grins, but still hugs him like he thought that he'd lose him for real. Chuuya lets himself get lost in the familiar scent and warmth.
Yes, the bastard's name was Dazai. And he was...
He was Nakahara Chuuya, in every lifetime.