Chapter Text
“Poe, you need to attend these therapy sessions! Dr. Firn has set them up so that they would work with your schedule. You have the support group too. If you don’t do those things then you can’t expect to get better,” Finn urged as he felt his voice rising in emotion.
It had been a rough week for both Poe and Finn. Neither have them had gotten much sleep and had plenty of meetings that they needed to get to. They were both on edge anyway and then Finn had found out that Poe had skipped his scheduled meetings with Dr. Firn as well as the support group meetings for the past two weeks. Finn really felt that they were helping Poe and he was beyond pissed to find out that Poe just hadn’t shown up and hadn’t given any reason as to why.
Poe glanced up with a fight in his eyes. His body was rigid and fists clenched. “I just didn’t want to go! Who are you, my mother?”
Finn snorted in distain as he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re lucky your mother isn’t here to see this. I know for a fact that she would be just as angry as I am that you’re not taking the steps to get better!”
Hurt flashed across Poe’s face. However, Poe was never the man to back down. He was just too stubborn. “You don’t know anything about her!”
“I know that she wouldn’t like to see you not doing what you need to do to get better,” Finn repeated as he lifted his hands and rubbed the palms against his eyes. He felt that he had been having this same conversation with Poe for hours and it wasn’t getting them anywhere. “You have been given these opportunities and you’re not taking them.”
Poe rolled his eyes. “So, I can’t not go for one fucking week? Huh? I just didn’t feel like going and listening to how Morry was finally able to have a conversation with her brother and it never led to a fistfight. Or about how Jub was finally able to work out in the gym with his shirt off because all of his burn marks on his back and shoulders? And I’m here just getting fucking worse?”
“You’re not getting worse,” Finn protested in frustration.
“Yes I am!” Poe struck out a fist against the wall. Finn swore that he could hear the crunch of Poe’s knuckles as he struck out and punched the wall again. “Yes I am! I still can’t sleep through the night without fucking Kylo being in my brain as he dissected it. Anything louder than conversation level talking transports me back to some firefight. I’m fucked up, Finn, and all the talking and ‘support’ isn’t going to make it any better.”
Finn stomped one foot like an angry child. “How can you say that?! It’s been night and day. I used to come in to see you sobbing in the shower or pacing around the room. Now, you can go to meetings and act like a General again. How can you not see that?”
“Because that’s what I want you see,” answered Poe. He geared up to punch the wall again before settling to sinking his nails into the palm of his hand as he made a tight fist. “Are you that stupid that you can’t see it?! I’m being what everyone wants me to be! If you say the right thing and act the right way, then everything thinks you’re fine!”
Finn faltered in alarm. “What?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know! ‘How are you, Poe? Fine? Great!’ Oh, give me a break! All you have to do is put on a fake smile and say, ‘I’m great! I’m doing so much better. Thanks for asking!’ It doesn’t matter if you’re fucking dying on the inside. I thought that you could see through all of that, but you’re just like everyone else,” Poe seethed.
Finn pounded his fists together, longing to punch the wall as Poe did. He tried his best to keep himself at least a bit calmer than Poe, but it was becoming nearly impossible. “I am not like everyone else. I’ve stood beside you through everything because I love you. I can’t read your mind. I need you to tell me when you’re an inch away from breaking down.”
“I’m always an inch away from breaking down!” Poe’s cry sounded like a keening wail that had been pulled from him. “Everyday I wake up and think about ending my life! No therapy is going to make that feeling go away. It can’t! It’s been too engrained in my head. My stupid, fucked up head.” Poe lifted his fists to his temples and collided them harshly as he let out a strangled sob. “Nothing I do will get me out of this! I’m too far gone.”
Finn shook his head as he took a step forward. “You can’t say that. You can’t give up! You’ve come too far to give up now. You give up and the First Order wins.” He scoffed in surprise. “I never took you as a coward.”
“I’m not a coward,” growled Poe.
“Well you sure as hell are acting like it. You want to give up when things get too hard? That isn’t the Poe that I remember,” Finn confessed.
Poe glared at him almost dismissively. “I haven’t been that Poe for quite sometime,” he spat heavily. “That man is dead.”
Finn took a step forward and was about to speak when Poe lunged forward. He thrust his hands against Finn’s chest to force him back. “Get the fuck away from me!” Finn tried to walk back to Poe to calm him down when Poe suddenly swung a fist and it collided with Finn’s eye. Finn staggered as he let out a yelp out of alarm. “In fact, get the fuck out!”
Finn had one hand pressed against his eye as he saw stars in the other. “If that’s what you want,” Finn began with an edge to his tone to try and disguise his heavy pain.
Poe fiercely pointed to the door. “Leave and don’t come back!”
Finn glanced at Poe once before deciding that it wasn’t worth arguing, at least not right now. He would never to wait until Poe was a little calmer and could listen to reason.
Finn grumbled harshly as he staggered toward the door and disappeared out of the room.
As soon as Finn left, Poe’s walls began to crumble. He suddenly realized what he had done in pushing away the only person who had stayed beside him. Everyone else had left. His so called friends wanted nothing to do with him. Finn was the only one who had stuck around and had gone to great lengths to help him.
Poe appreciated everyone at the support group, he really did. He could lean on them to a certain extent, but they had their own trauma too. They spoke often about not being afraid to share what had happened to them, but also being wary not to send anyone into a relapse. It was a fine line to walk and Poe never had to worry about that with Finn. Now, because of his anger, he had sent the only person that he truly loved out the door.
“Damnit,” Poe hissed under his breath. He turned to face the wall and furiously began to kick at it. Only when he could no longer feel the pain shooting through his foot did he finally stop. Rage bubbled inside of him as he let out a fierce scream as he pushed himself away from the wall. He started to pace with his head almost thrown side to side with his teeth gritted together and back almost hunched over as he walked around.
Weariness started to work through him as he began to slow. Tiredness from his lack of sleep finally seemed to catch up with him. He sighed as he found himself in the corner of the room and slid down while frustrated tears leaked from his eyes. His teeth were gritted together as he tried to choke the heavy sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. He collapsed to the ground as he pushed one fist with bruised knuckles against his forehead as tears fell from his cheeks and onto his pants.
Only when he felt a tiny nudge against him did he wake up. He frowned when he realized it was BB-8 with D-O a few feet behind him. BB-8 let out a few reassuring and worried beeps before trailing the rest of the way up to him.
Poe reached out and wrapped his arms around BB-8’s body. His forehead rested against BB-8’s dome as BB-8 continued to let out reassuring beeps. Poe finally broke down against his friend’s side.