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It’s almost like being in a dream. Things seem perfectly normal while you’re sleeping, but when you wake up you can’t understand how you thought the 8 foot tall bats flying down the street made any kind of sense.
It’s so funny, Yusuke can’t help but laugh while Makoto tries to staunch the blood flowing from his abdomen.
“Diarahan! Diarahan! Fucking diarahan !”
“Stop, you’ll just tire yourself out.”
“It- this should work! Why isn’t it working?”
It’s his own fault, naturally. He was too slow. If he’d just dodged that Marin Karin, if he hadn’t missed the shadow earlier and allowed Ann to finish it off before this could happen, he wouldn’t have gotten hit, and he wouldn’t have gotten wrapped up in a world where it made perfect sense to attack Akira, and Akira wouldn’t have had to stab him to get him to stop.
“We’ll just have to get him to a hospital. Skull, grab his legs, we need to get him into the bus.”
“Alright. Ya hear that, Fox? We’re going to get you help. Just hold tight buddy.”
If he’s being honest, he deserves this. Yusuke had barely slept the night before. He’d sat in his room in the dark trying to paint, just fucking paint— he used to be good at this didn’t he? He used to be able to make art that meant something, that reached people right?— and if he could’ve just done the one damn thing he’s done his entire life, if he’d just been enough then maybe he would’ve been rested and wouldn’t have been such a failure. He wouldn’t have let his friends down and gotten used like that and-
“I think he’s hyperventilating? Should he be hyperventilating? C’mon Inari you’re not allowed to die on us!”
“Fox, can you hear us? Just focus on my voice, alright? It’ll be okay”
Nothing is remotely okay. Yusuke doesn’t know the last time he’d been “okay”, not really. There had been days where he could keep his head above water but he’s always been one mistake away from being lost beneath the waves. It’s only natural that his luck finally ran out.
“Is the wound… getting worse?”
“ What ?!”
“Shit, I think he’s right. It’s getting bigger.”
“How is it getting bigger?”
“I don’t know! We’ve been keeping him as steady as possible.”
There’s too much shouting. Too many bright lights, too much going on. He wants-
He wants to feel like himself again.
He wants to feel like a person instead of some useless thing that can’t even do the one thing he’s really good at.
He wants to feel stable, and like he knows what’s expected of him, and what he needs to do.
He wants to be back at Madarame’s.
He wants to not be so pathetic . That’s really the right word for it, isn’t? He’s a child trying to cling desperately to a lie.
It’s so fucking funny.
Yusuke isn’t sure if he’s laughing or crying right now.
“Panther, knock him out.”
“What?”
“Just put him to sleep! I’ll explain in a second, but I think he’s the one making it worse.”
“Alright. Carmen!”
Yusuke wakes up in a hospital room. He tilts his head to see Akechi in the corner, reading a book.
Yusuke considers saying something, but the thought of talking feels like too much effort so he just watches Akechi, until Akechi looks up.
“Ah. You’re awake,” Akechi says, putting the book down and taking out his phone quickly. “How are you feeling?”
Yusuke hums noncommittally. He feels like trash, but he’s not giving Akechi that ammunition.
Akechi nods. “I see.”
Suddenly, the door bursts open and the rest of the Phantom Thieves spill into the room.
“Yusuke!” Ann gasps.
“Holy shit dude, don’t scare us like that!” Ryuji says. He looks like he’s been crying.
Yusuke supposes he can’t keep quiet now.
“Sorry?” Yusuke says. His voice is shaky and hoarse.
“We were so scared you…” Makoto takes a deep breath, and steadies her voice. “You lost a lot of blood, and the doctors said you’ll have to be here for at least another week, but probably a little longer.”
“Oh.” is all Yusuke can say, and really isn’t that just the cherry on top? They’ll insist on putting off any future operations for his sake now. He really is useless.
“Can you guys give us some alone time?” Akira asks. The others share a look, Futaba especially looks like she wants to protest, but eventually they all leave the room. Akira pulls up a chair closer to Yusuke, and sits down.
“Sorry for stabbing you.” Akira says.
“It was mostly my fault.” Yusuke replies.
Akira stares at him, and Yusuke isn’t sure he’s ever seen their leader truly at a loss for words. Akira’s been known to pause sometimes, to think over the best thing to say, but Yusuke’s never seen him look like this.
“I know what you’re going to say.” Yusuke says.
“You do?”
“I’ll accept my removal from the Phantom Thieves graciously, you don’t need to worry.” Akira’s eyes widen, and Yusuke tries to keep his composure. Of course this would happen, he messed up, he caused problems, which means he’s out. There’s no use keeping around someone who can’t pull their weight.
“Yusuke, no.” Akira says. “I would never dream of kicking you out, why would you even-” Akira takes a deep breath. “Alright, I can guess why, but still. That’s not true. What I was going to say was, after I stabbed you, the wound didn’t close up, no matter what we tried. And Akechi said that maybe the problem was your cognition.” Akira bites his lip. “Like, you didn’t want to be healed, or you didn’t think you should be.”
Yusuke turns away so that he’s not looking into Akira’s eyes anymore. “I… suppose my thinking was along the lines of ‘I failed, so I deserve it’,” he mutters.
“Yusuke… you didn’t fail. It was just an accident, it happens to the best of us.”
“When the others get brainwashed, they're not relentless to the point that you’re forced to stab them to get them to stop.” Because if there’s one thing Yusuke’s always been good at, it’s doing what he’s told. He’d gone after Akira with aplomb, had his hands around their leader’s neck and squeezed until Akira was forced to lash out and-
“That wasn’t you failing.”
“Then what is ?” Yusuke snaps. What does he mean that wasn’t a failure? Yusuke nearly killed him, then he worried everyone because Yusuke apparently can’t be healed, so now he’s a liability in battle and-
Yusuke wants to scream. Akira is too nice. He’s never bothered by anything Yusuke does and Yusuke’s sick of it. Someone is always bothered by something Yusuke does, Yusuke can’t not fuck up somehow. Eventually he crosses one of the ten billion invisible lines that everyone but him seems to know, so why won’t Akira just tell him which ones to avoid? Why does he have to keep insisting there isn’t a point when Yusuke won’t be enough?
“Nothing.” Akira says firmly.
“That isn’t true.”
“Yes it is.”
Yusuke rolls his eyes. “Akira, that’s absolute nonsense. There has to be a line. I could get Futaba killed. I could reveal your secrets, I could-”
“But you wouldn’t. ” Akira insists.
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. I trust you Yusuke.” Akira places a hand on Yusuke’s. “Please, trust yourself. Trust that you are doing the best you can do right now, trust that you don’t have to force yourself to be better, and trust that you’re not falling short of some sort of cosmic prerequisite for people to care about you.”
“You are a magnificent liar, Akira.” Yusuke says, drawing his hand away.
“I’m not lying.” Akira says. “Yusuke please look at me.” Begrudgingly, he does, and Akira takes off his glasses and meets Yusuke’s eyes.
“Yusuke, I promise you, there is no way you could fail me, or any of the others in a way that would make us leave. You’re not going to be thrown away the second you’re no longer useful, alright?”
Yusuke nods.
“And I am going to keep telling you that until you believe me. The others too.” Akira says.
Akira’s words hang in the air, and Yusuke...
A part of him wants to believe Akira.
Another part reminds him of the last time Yusuke desperately wanted to believe someone.
“Can you please go?” Yusuke mutters. “I’d like to take a nap.”
Akira stares at him, and for a split second Yusuke thinks that Akira will say no, and demand his attention, but eventually Akira nods. “Yeah, sure. We’ll be here when you wake up.