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Catra cups Adora's cheek as they sit face to face, sharing a peaceful moment at a clearing. There is so much colour… so much life… Etheria is once at peace and alive once again. The green grass under their bodies dances in the wind, looking a lot like soft waves of the sea. Catra rests her forehead against Adora's and sighs when the blonde touches her hand.
"This is great," she says, and closes her eyes right after, feeling Adora nod against her. Her chest is filled with warmth and affection. She still can't believe that this is true. That all she had ever wanted had happened - that it all is happening.
A chuckle catches her attention and she smiles before opening her eyes, the daydream coming to an end.
She immediately regrets it.
When she focuses again, she is back to the destruction left by her battle with Hordak. She tries pulling away from Adora, knowing exactly what would happen next. Knowing this memory all to well. But the grip around her wrist tightens and she is only able to take one step back.
"Didn't need you," Adora's voice comes, followed by a low chuckle. "Don't need you."
"W-what?" Catra asks, eyes widening and heart tightening in her chest. This is not a memory. No, this is-
"You heard me. Did you really believe anyone would want you after everything that you have done?"
"That's not-" her voice cracks, desperation taking over. "That's not you, Adora…" she looks Adora in the eyes, her tone begging and vulnerable. Begging Adora to come back.
"Oh, but do not worry, my dear Catra," the way Adora says this sends a shiver down Catra's spine, and she pulls her wrist away forcefully. It causes her to take a few steps back, and then trip and fall. She looks down, noticing the scenario changed once again. Her heart speeds up when she sees the green pool one of Horde Prime's clones once entered. The one she was forced into. Her eyes stayed there as her body began to shake. She felt like she was drowning again. Then, there was a hand on her shoulder. "There is still salvation for you. You can still be purified."
Catra looked at Adora in shock, finding her kneeled in front of her. Her eyes completely green, her grin frightening. Behind her, Catra sees Scorpia, Bow and Glimmer. And all of the friends she got to make. All of them, lost to Prime's hivemind. All of them… gone.
Even Adora.
"Come with me, Catra. We can be together in Prime's grace. Because Prime sees all. Prime knows all."
"No…"
"Prime sees all," the chanting started. "Prime knows all."
"No!"
"Prime sees all. Prime know all."
She falls to her knees as it all comes to her.
The flashes.
Getting chipped, being forced to accept another… no, not simply another. Several. Several voices in her head.
Drowning in green…
Whispering…
Chanting…
Crying for the connection to the all-powerful.
Catra gasps as she forces herself into awakening. She is panting, sweating, her heart beating at a fast pace in her chest, aching. The images from the nightmare are still fresh in her mind, and she almost screams when Adora shifts closer to her in her slumber. Curling against her side, warming up her skin. Catra looks at her and tries evening her breath as Adora's hand touches the part of her stomach left bare by the pajamas top.
Tries finding comfort in the sensation of that touch. Tries thinking of how endearing it is that, even with such calloused fingers, Adora still manages to have the softest of caresses, the lightest of touches. Tries focusing on the stuttered sigh that hits the side of her neck as warm wind.
But none of that is enough, and when she blinks, she sees the Adora of her nightmare. Corrupted by Horde Prime, brainwashed, taken by the whispers of the Horde… gone. In that nightmare, Adora was… gone.
You can still be purified.
Catra gasps again, and looks at Adora's sleeping form. In the course of the weeks - months? - that went by after the war, Adora started developing much heavier sleep than she used to have. It is like, now that they are free of the war, she feels free to rest as well. It is like she is putting to date the sleepless nights from all these years.
Which is very convenient for Catra. She doesn't want to disturb Adora's sleep, not when she is the cause of the exhaustion Adora put up with for so long… when the ache in her body - both caused by the sensory memory of injuries and by tiredness - pleading for her to lie down and sleep is her fault as well… when most of the things that harmed Adora and hurt her feelings for so long was caused by her.
'Ugh,' she thinks, her left hand going to her forehead, fingers tangling with the hair there. 'I hate these nightmares and the stupid spirals they bring.'
She looks at Adora once again and smiles at how peaceful she looks. Catra almost reaches to touch her face, to cup her cheek, to feel that soft skin on her fingertips. Her hand leaves her forehead and she comes inches from effectively touching Adora. But then she retreats, fist on her chest as her heart constricts painfully in her chest.
She can't touch Adora. Not right now. Not when she feels so… not when her own mind disgusts her. Not when her thoughts are taken by such darkness.
Not when she thinks so little of herself. Because Adora deserves the best she can be, she deserves the world. And in that moment… in that moment, she doesn't really feel like the person she thinks Adora deserves. The person she knows she has become, but who gives place to this small, weak part of her that is there.
The most dangerous part of her. The part that is scared.
She gently removes Adora's arm from over her and sits up. Catra puts her elbows on her knees and rests her head on her hands, the weight of her thoughts becoming physical. The thought of when she was younger, and she was scared something would tear her and Adora apart. When that did happen, the fear of never proving herself taking over. Adora was gone, and she had to feel the gap that was left in her life herself.
She was scared of the rage at times. She was afraid of it, at the same time she tried forcing it to take the place where this… overwhelming love for Adora was. She was scared of never hating Adora enough, and there were days she was scared of hating her too much.
Those days ended with sleepless nights, only the thoughts of Adora hurting being her companions in the darkness of the night.
She was also scared that even as she climbed to the top, it would never be enough. That even if she won, she wouldn't ever be important to anything - to anyone.
That she would be disposable.
That she would be easily discarded.
And when that became a reality - when Horde Prime took her head, made her only dust in the wind of his countless minds - the only thing that overshadowed the fear was the knowledge that Adora would be safe. The comfort she found, the anchor that made her be able to stand the pain… it was Adora.
It would always be Adora.
She looks back over her shoulder when Adora lets out a shuddering breath, turning to the other side. Catra smiles at the sight of her back, gaze becoming softer and softer as she watches the rising and falling of Adora's shoulders. Moments like this remind her of how she never stopped loving her. Even then, she sighs and gets up to walk to the door, seeking the spot she had found at the top of the castle. The safe place has been going to even since these nightmares had started.
Somewhere she can think of all these things without the urge to seek comfort in Adora. Where she can entirely focus on just feeling everything that the night terrors brought.
Catra hears Melog's quiet purr when she is reaching for the doorknob. They jump off the bed and walks towards her, meowing gently and sitting in front of her.
"Nightmares again?"
"Yeah…" she lets out a breath and looks at the bed again, eyebrows creasing and lips pursing. Her eyes then returning to her friend. "Can you stay with her for me tonight? I… I need to be sure that she will be safe after this one."
"Are you sure? They've been getting worse…"
"I am. Just…" she kneels in front of Melog and pets their head. "Just keep her safe. Please."
"Alright. But… the both of us know you will need to talk to her eventually, Catra."
"Yeah, yeah. I know that, but not now. I just… I just can't."
"Take care of yourself," Melog mews and softly headbuts her. She just nods and stands, opening the door to exit the room. What Catra didn't notice was Adora sitting up just as she walked out and closed the door. Melog walks fastly to the bed, jumping on it as Adora does so.
"Catra…" her voice is but a whisper, the concern evident. Melog lies on her lap and lets out a long meow, and even though Adora can't truly understand them, she still knows the meaning behind it.
"I'm worried for her, too."
"Oh, Melog…" Adora gulps as she caresses their back. "I just wish she would talk to me."
Melog purrs at her and curls even more in her lap. Adora doesn't really know how to interpret this, but she does keep caressing their back.
The next day, Adora is called to help out some people who were having some trouble with magical animals entering their town. Sure, nature is pretty, planet is alive, animals are adorable… but still, it could be dangerous for both the animals and the people to have them walk around like that. And since She-Ra is Etheria's friendly neighborhood pure-magic lady, of course she would be called on duty. It was a simple task, so they all decided Adora could deal with it by herself.
Catra could see that everyone was kind of anxious while deciding on whether or not Adora should go alone. She could see Glimmer staring at her, she could feel Adora's hand on her arm. After the meeting was over, Catra pulled Adora to the side to talk to her.
"Adora."
"Yes, Catra?"
"I don't know what you were thinking during that meeting, but I…" she sighed, hand squeezing Adora's. "Adora, I trust you. I don't want you to feel like I don't."
"What is this about?"
"I could feel the tension in the room. I'm not dense," Catra took a deep breath. "I don't want you to feel as like you can't do stuff because you think that I… that I would, I don't know," she lowered her head and mumbled, "Perfuma is helping me with the abandonment issues. Meditation or whatever. And you're not my property. You can do what you have to do without feeling like I will feel some sort of way."
"I know that," Adora put her hand on Catra's shoulder, making her gaze go to her, looking her in the eyes. "I know that you trust me. It's just…"
"What?" Catra's eyebrows furrowed and her heart sped up. "It's just what?"
"Catra, are you okay?"
"What do you mean? Of course I'm okay," Catra smiled nervously.
"You haven't been getting good nights of sleep for some days now."
"And you were worried because of that?"
"Of course I was!" Catra's eyes widened and then Adora lowered her gaze, voice dropping. "Of course I am," she sighed. "I heard you talking to Melog last night, about wanting to keep me safe. I thought that maybe… that if I would just go alone without letting you say how you felt about it, it would make you feel even worse after… whatever it was."
"You called a reunion of the Princess Puff Council because you thought I would feel bad about you going by yourself without asking me first?" Catra couldn't hold back the laughter, head falling back.
"Hey! I didn't want you to to feel pressured if I asked to you directly!"
"You're such an idiot," she took a step forward, and let her forehead rest against Adora's. "You could've just asked, dummy," Adora chuckled and hummed at that, but went serious after a second, keeping her gaze into Catra's eyes.
"And what if I asked you what is going on?" Adora cupped her cheek and caressed her with her thumb. "Would that be okay? Would you tell me what has been bothering you? What has been in your mind?"
"I…" Catra's eyes closed, squeezing shut. "I-I don't know. I…"
"Okay," Adora nodded against her. Catra heard the hint of disappointment in her voice, but the reassurance overshadowed it. Catra didn't know what else to say.
"Adora!" they heard Glimmer's voice call. "Stop flirting, you have a mission ahead of you!"
Both of them blushed and chuckled, the tension breaking as they separated. "When you're ready, okay?" Adora said before shouting a "coming!" to their friend.
Catra sighs at the memory as she walks to the place where she and Perfuma had agreed to meet up for their meditation sessions. Melog - who is accompanying her, as usual - seems quite stressed. She feels a pang of guilt stab at her, and touches her companion's back while the two of them keep walking. She knows this is a result of her self-doubt and of her incapacity to talk this out with Adora.
"I'm sorry, Melog."
"What for?" they let out as a "mrrow".
"I have been stressed, and that makes you get stressed. And I know that you have already told me what I should do to make this feeling go away, and-" she grits her teeth before continuing. "Adora basically begged me to talk to her. But still, I can't. And it's just so stupid."
"Okay, I am stopping you right there," Melog steps in front of her, making her stop. "It's not stupid to be reluctant. You're not stupid, Catra."
"I don't know what to do, Melog. There are times I feel like nothing in me has changed. There is still this… this fear. I don't know what to do…"
"Since you feel like it's difficult to talk to Adora about it right now," Melog sits down, tilting their head, "why not talk to someone else?"
Catra scoffs before saying, "and you think that will be easier?"
"It might."
"And why do you think that?"
"Gut feeling," the sound Melog makes comes out with a deep hint of irony.
"Brat," Catra murmurs, and then sighs. "Anyone in mind?"
"Well… you are going to therapy right now."
"It's not therapy! It's… it's…"
"Spare me, Catra. Make your time with Perfuma worth your while in more ways than only meditating. She's clearly willing to help you, and you clearly trust her enough already to let your guard down."
"Pfft, I don't let my guard down."
"Again, spare me. She can help you, and she has a vision of someone who is not directly involved. Consider it getting a third opinion."
"And what happened to the second?"
"That's me. But you barely listen to me regarding this, so I figured getting the third opinion would be adequate."
"You sassy, big cat," Catra chuckles and pets Melog's head. "When did you become my one functional brain cell?"
"Do you remember a place called Krytis?"
"Ugh, I'm taking you back there if you keep up the sass."
"Please don't," Melog's response is amused, and they bunt Catra's leg before going back to walking. The two of them walk the corridors of the castle until they are outside, and Catra heads to the garden with steps she had memorized. These encounters with Perfuma had started one week after the end of the war. They help her ease the weight of her thoughts now that there is no urgency of fighting to distract her.
Still, the nightmares insist on staying. It is almost like they are a part of her now. Like she won't stop seeing those terrors.
She tries chasing away the thoughts as she arrives at the spot. Getting closer, she soon finds someone who is not Perfuma there.
"Scorpia," she says as she approaches her friend. Scorpia, who is sitting on the ground and staring at the sky, jumps to her feet and brings Catra in for a hug. This is something Catra got used to, and, after she started working on her… issues, she was learning to enjoy.
"Wildcat! Ooh, it's been a while!" Scorpia puts her down and scratches behind Melog's ear. "What about you, Mel? How has the best kitten been doing?" Melog purrs and meows contentedly, tilting their head to give more room, making Scorpia giggle.
"Yeah, it's been some time," Catra sits on the ground, followed by Scorpia. Melog nuzzles her face and then lays on Scorpia's lap as the woman continues to pet them. "Where is Perfuma, by the way? I'm generally the one who's late."
"She had some matters to attend to. I figured you would like some company, though? Which I now realize that was kind of dumb since Melog is always with you, so you probably have lots of fun talking and being with them already, and… I rambled," Scorpia chuckles. "Do you want me to, you know, leave? If you do, that is entirely fine and-"
"No!" Catra exclaims, getting Melog's attention. She takes a deep breath before continuing. "Sorry, I yelled. I, uh… I want you to stay here. I missed you the past few days."
"I missed you too," Scorpia responds after some seconds, the shock having died off. That send a new wave of pain through Catra, her blood going cold in her veins. To her, Scorpia's shock is an evidence of just how much her actions hurt her. How they affected her, to the point that Scorpia is shocked by her admission, even though they are friends.
'I truly did hurt the people I care about the most in all sorts of ways, huh?' Catra thinks, her heart aching in her chest.
"We didn't get to properly talk about things, did we?" Catra brings her knees to her chest, staring into the distance. "I didn't get to properly apologize to you."
"Oh, um… Wildcat-"
"Scorpia, please, let me do this," Catra looks at her, and Scorpia gasps when she sees the heterochromatic eyes filled with tears. "This is something I need to say," Scorpia nods encouragingly. "I'm so, so sorry, Scorpia," she doesn't have it in her to feel embarrassed by her own voice cracking, "for everything I've done to you. Everything. I… I don't even…" she takes a deep breath, but the tears still come out.
"Hey, c'mere," Scorpia brings her close gently, and Catra allows herself to press against her side. "It's all okay now, Wildcat."
"But it's not," Catra mutters, voice weak and soft as tears start spilling. "You were the one person I could count on back then. You gave me all the support. Even though I was misguided, even though I was not a… a good person, you still stood by my side. And instead of showing gratitude, I…" a sob breaks out. "I treated you so badly. I was a terrible person to you. I was the worst friend anyone could have to you, while you were the best one to me. And I made you feel worthless and… Scorpia, I am so sorry."
Scorpia is silent for some moments, and it makes Catra a bit too anxious.
"You know," she started. "When I left, I did so to bring Entrapta back. To get help for her and stuff, and I wanted to get you help, too. I knew that you were able to do something good. That you didn't want to hurt people, but there was something in there that… I don't know, made you act the way you did. Not just rage, or hatred. It was almost like you were… scared."
Catra nods, encouraging Scorpia to continue.
"I wanted to help you get better, and I always trusted you could get better. And this, what you've done and what you are still doing… Wildcat, it's amazing. There is no way I cannot forgive you after how much you've grown."
"But what if I'm still scared? What if I still feel insecure like back then?" Catra asks, despair growing in her chest. "What if whatever I do, it will never be enough to earn the forgiveness of the people I have hurt?"
"Catra, this is not something that you're going to win. It's not a war, it's not about big gestures. It's about the small choices you make every single day. That's how you earn your place beside the people you hurt," Scorpia smiles at her. "I see you trying, I see you making good choices. And even if you feel insecure, that's okay. Part of being in people's lives is learning to lean on them, too."
Catra sniffs and smiles softly at her friend, bringing Scorpia in for a hug. The shock of having Catra initiate a display of affection takes Scorpia aback, but she still returns the hug.
"Seems like we're both huggers now, huh?" Scorpia comments, making Catra laugh.
"Yeah," Catra says and pulls away with her smile growing. "Thank you for accepting me back. I meant it when I said I missed you."
"Haha, I know you did," Scorpia pats her back softly with a pincer. Catra watches her expression change, as though something repressed was about to come out. "Hurray! I am forever hurraying!"
"W-what?"
"I'm celebrating our friendship! Let's go, Wildcat, give a 'hurray' to the heavens!"
"Um, hur… ray?"
"Awwww, c'mon, are you even trying?!"
"Hurray!" Catra shouts, the sound coming deep from her chest and as the word exited her, and she feels like so does the weight of guilt she feels when she is with Scorpia. Of course, she still wishes she could take back everything she had done and said to her dear friend, but having Scorpia's acceptance and explicit forgiveness… well, that is something that made it all a bit less crushing.
After that, they just sit there, basking in the sunlight and enjoying the morning wind. The only sound is Melog's content purr as Scorpia keeps petting them. A a few minutes pass before Perfuma appears, apologizing frantically and sincerely for being late.
"It's alright," Catra responds.
"Yeah! We were able to have a chat. And to hurray for our reestablished friendship! Isn't that great?!"
"It's quite amazing, darling," Perfuma smiles at Scorpia and kisses her forehead, and Catra observes them. They started dating shortly after the war was done with, and even Catra had to admit how sweet they were. Overly so at times, but she was learning not to have a negative reaction to seeing others displaying affection. Be it towards her, or between two other people.
Besides… Scorpia deserves this happiness, she deserves someone from whom she can take just as much as she is willing to give. And Catra sees that Perfuma is just like that. So it's fine. She can handle tooth rot over excessively sweet displays of affection if that's what makes her friend happy.
"Catra?" Perfuma calls, making Catra come back from her daydream. She sees Scorpia standing beside her girlfriend, looking down at her with concern.
"Huh?"
"I was just saying that I gotta go now," Scorpia rubs the back of her neck. "Take care, Wildcat! See you later!"
"Oh, uh. Bye, Scorpia," Catra smiles and watches Scorpia walk away. Melog walks to her and curls with their body pressing against her thigh, and she starts petting them. Then, Perfuma sits in front of her, legs crossed. Melog lets out a muffled meow.
"Don't forget to talk to her."
"Ugh, I won't, okay?" Catra answers out loud, making Perfuma look at her with a confused gaze. "S-sorry, it's Melog. They've been a brat these days."
"Wonder why…"
"Oh, it's okay! Having pets does that at times," Melog looks at Perfuma and growls. Not quite threatening, but still annoyed. "What was that?"
"They said that they're not a pet," Catra smirks and pers their back. "Maybe 'therapy cat' will do?"
"Ooh, sounds good!"
"I am leaving," the cat huffs and stands, making both women start laughing. Catra reaches to caress behind Melog's ear. The purring is instantaneous.
"Hey, we're just messing with you," Catra says softly and Melog lies down beside her again. They relax, and Catra smiles at that.
"Okay, so… are you ready to start now?"
"Oh, um… actually, I…" Catra starts and uses her free hand to rub the back of her neck. Her eyes look away from Perfuma while she tries finding the words. "I-I wanted to…"
"Yes…?"
"I-I want to talk. About… something that has been happening."
"You do?" Perfuma's lips part slightly in surprise.
"Yes!" Catra exclaims, more frustrated at herself than at Perfuma. She sees the shock in Perfuma's eyes, and she also captures the flash of fear. She breathes in and then out. "I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. Because of this whole situation I want to talk about. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"O-oh," she seems surprised at Catra's apology, but then smiles kindly and nods, accepting the apology. "Well, what if it that you want to talk about?"
"I have been getting…" Catra almost gives up speaking it out. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Nightmares. I've been having nightmares. They are getting… ugh, why does this have to be so hard?!"
"Hey," Perfuma puts a hand on her shoulder, "I am listening. Take your time."
"The nightmares are getting worse. And I don't know what to do about it."
"What are they about?" Perfuma asks patiently. Catra is thankful she didn't go straight to suggesting a million solutions to all her problems that she probably wouldn't be able to do.
"It varies," she answers. "This night it-" Catra halts, anxiety growing in her veins. Perfuma squeezes her shoulder, eyes focused on her. "It started with, uh… with Adora and I sharing a moment. And then it shifted. It shifted to her being chipped. To everyone being chipped."
"Did she say anything? In the dream?"
Catra starts trembling, and her jaw clenched, teeth gritting.
"She asked if I believed anyone would want me. After what I've done. She said I could be purified and then came the chanting-" Catra's voice cracks and she lowers her head, the flashes coming to her. Horde Prime's voice, the clones chanting 'cast out all shadows,' drowning in the purifying pool. Green all around her, drowning.
"Hey," Perfuma's voice brings her back. "Focus on breathing. Tell me, what can you feel?"
"The wind. It's… it's nice. And the sun, too. It's not too hot today."
"And what can you hear?"
"The plants swaying in the wind. Some animals rustling around. Reminds me of when it was all over."
"And what can you see?"
"The sky. It's clear today. And… and the roses in the garden look beautiful in the sunlight," Catra starts calming down, and breathing doesn't seem as hard as before. "Thank you," she mutters to Perfuma and smiles.
"If you don't think you can continue, you don't have to."
"Thank you. I just… when I was chipped- when Horde Prime- a lot of things happened, and having Adora be the one to say t-that I could be purified… it messed with my head."
"Is that all?"
"Huh?"
"Is that the only thing that messed with you?"
"I…" Catra gulps and then she shakes her head. "No. Even though Prime is gone, the thought of her being put through that still terrified me. A-and seeing everyone chipped also scared me."
"Have you tried talking to Adora about this?" Catra's heart clenches painfully in her chest at the question, stomach dropping.
"She is aware that something is wrong, but I haven't talked to her about it."
"And why is that?"
"My head is not a beautiful place, Perfuma. I have all these cracks and broken pieces all around."
"And you think Adora doesn't love those as well?"
"Those are the pieces I hurt her with. These nightmares make me scared, and that's how I was when I hurt her. When I hurt you all. I was scared and I was trying to be someone who could reach the top. W-when I didn't have Adora by my side anymore, I felt like that was all I had. That I had to keep proving myself."
"So you are scared… of being scared?"
"When you put it like that…" Catra grumbles.
"Oh, no, no! Don't get me wrong, I was just asking to be sure," Perfuma smiled at her. "So, the main source of this fear is…?"
"I think the main source is that I'm afraid that, when I'm scared like this, Adora will see in me the person who hurt her through all those years. Growing up in the Fright Zone and having Shadow Weaver as a - I don't know, I guess you could say tutor? - does that to you. Nightmares are common and stuff. But these are different. Because I'm scared of what I see in them, and what I will see if I talk about them."
"Don't you think that pushing her away will make her feel worse than if you open up?"
"I-I know it will. I just… I can't. I do trust her, but when I wake up and she's there, she just looks so… in peace. And I have hurt her for so long," a tear slides down her left cheek, and she wipes it away quickly. "Besides being scared, I don't… I don't wanna hurt her, or disturb her. But it seems like that's what I'm doing. I feel so… cornered. By myself."
"Catra… tell me, what did you feel when you decided to go after Adora when she was heading to the Heart?"
"I was… I was scared that I would lose her again."
"And you saved her. By going after her, by following your heart, you saved her. That fear of loss lead you to finding her. It lead you to saving everyone," Perfuma stops touching her shoulder to gesticulate at their surroundings, proving her point. "What I am trying to say is that this fear you feel of her seeing the person who hurt her in the past… it's understandable, but maybe it holds no truth. Because you changed. The person who is afraid now is not the same one who was scared three years ago. The circumstances are not the same either. You might still have those parts that lash out, but the fact that you're working on it is one of the proofs that you're different now."
"I… do you really think so?"
"I know so. Believe me, I'm good at reading emotions," she smiles. "You're a better person now, Catra. But I still see you holding back your vulnerability. That's something that is gonna take some time to unlearn, but you still need to take a first step."
"I really need to talk to Adora, huh?"
"Yeah," Perfuma chuckles. "Yeah, you do. Keep your heart open to her, be vulnerable with her. Like you were with me now. That wasn't that hard, was it?"
"Uhhhh… it kinda was."
"And you still did it! See?" Perfuma touches her arm. "I believe in you, Catra."
"I-I…" the way that the words slip from Perfuma's lips - so easily, so honest - overwhelms her. Tears form in Catra's eyes and soon they flow down her cheeks. Perfuma makes an "awwww" noise and hugs her. Catra tenses up at first, but then accepts the hold and awkwardly places a hand on Perfuma's back. They stay like that for some seconds before Catra starts getting anxious in the hug. Perfuma senses the tension, and pulls away.
"So! Ready for meditating all that negative energy out?"
"Sure," Catra nods with a smile.
The day goes by surprisingly quickly. Even though Adora is not around, Catra managed to enjoy her time. She, Glimmer, Bow and Melog snuck into the kitchen earlier to steal some cake, just like Glimmer had mentioned back in Prime's ship. The three of them laughed quietly as they ran away, protected by Melog's invisibility.
It was different from when she and Adora would play tricks on Kyle or mess with other cadets - everything is different with Adora - but the feelings of joy and happiness were still there. And another strange feeling was there too. Freedom.
As the afternoon ends and evening starts rising, she goes to her room to read some book she got from the library. She had been incredibly intrigued with literature lately, seen as she never had time or opportunity to do so back with the Horde. She doesn't even know if she would have wanted to at the time.
She snorts at a sarcastic comment one of the characters made. 'Now that is someone I would enjoy my time with,' her tail lifts and then falls in amusement. The oversized shirt she had bought herself once in a mission and Melog sleeping with their head on her lap make her comfortable enough to start purring. The sound is followed by Melog's own purr, and Catra smiles.
'This is nice,' she thinks. A few moments pass, Catra progressing in her reading. Then, the door opens and Catra knows exactly who it is, but she doesn't look up from her book. She smirks as Adora noisily sets her stuff down, trying to get her attention. She feels a pair of eyes on her, but she only adjusts to a more comfortable position, making Melog shift as well, purr halting for an instant until they find a new sleeping position that seems even better, the purr coming out louder.
Adora huffs after a few seconds of going - seemingly - unnoticed. She had been out all day, and she had assumed that Catra would come for her as soon as she arrived. It still made her smile, seeing her girlfriend so content and comfortable, enjoying her free time. She sighs and turns to walk to the bathroom in their room, pouting. She closes the door, not loud enough to startle Catra and Melog or to make Catra think she's angry, but making enough noise to be noticeable.
Catra chuckles and pats Melog in the back, making a purred meow come from them. After some minutes, Catra has already finished the chapter she was in and finds herself halfway through another. She hears the bathroom door open, hears Adora's quiet steps as she walks to the bed. She feels the bed dip beside her and feels Adora move toward her, knees on the bed. When Adora's arms wrap around her waist and she sits down - legs stretched in Catra's opposite direction - and rests her head on her shoulder, Catra smiles.
They stay like that for some moments, until Adora breaks the silence.
"Catra?"
"Hm?"
"I'm tired," Adora whines.
"That's too bad, isn't it?"
They stay in silence for some more time, and Adora whines again. She shifts one arm to put it around Catra's shoulders. When Adora touches the tip of her ear, Catra tries to stop the hitch of her breath.
"Let go of my ear, Adora," she bites back a smile when Adora whines for the third time.
"But I'm tired. And I wanna cuddle."
"I'm reading right now, I can't," Catra sees Adora pout from the corner of her eyes. Her lips tremble as she tries not to laugh. Then, her girlfriend does something unexpected and noses at her neck. Now that gets a reaction. Catra can't hold back a small gasp and a purr as Adora keeps caressing the side of her neck with her nose while she rubs her ear. The fur in the back of Catra's neck stands, and she knows that Adora can feel it against her arm.
"Please, Catra?" she mumbles against her neck and plants a soft kiss there.
"For the second time, let go of my ear, Adora," Catra mutters, trying to keep her cool. Melog wakes up and looks at the two of them. They let out a sleepy meow that Catra barely registers as "I'm gonna walk around the garden" before leaving. Adora seems to interpret that as her cue and straddles Catra.
She doesn't take the book from Catra's hands, merely lowering it a bit, just so Catra looks her in the eyes. The gesture is also to let Catra know that she can totally go back to what she was doing, if that's what she wants.
"Pleeaase, I'm tired," Adora's pout grows and she cups Catra's jaw with a hand, using her fingertips to caress her. Catra purrs loudly, eyes closed contentedly. Adora's other hand leaves the book and makes its way to the back of Catra's head. "Cuddle with me?"
"Hmph. Okay, you big dummy," Catra marks the page she was reading and sets the book aside. She smiles and opens her arms for Adora, who excitedly leans forward, pressing her front against Catra's. Their legs stretch and tangle, and Adora puts her head on Catra's chest, listening to her heartbeat as she holds her girlfriend. "You're so unfair," Catra says playfully as she starts rubbing her back. "You know that, right?"
"No, you," Adora mumbles, not opening her eyes. Catra chuckles and uses a hand to caress her hair, that is uncharacteristically undone, free of the tight ponytail. 'She really is tired…'
"How was your day?" Catra asks softly, with genuine interest.
"The mission wasn't too long," Adora starts. "The animals weren't hostile, so it wasn't that hard to get them back to the woods. The only reason it took me so long to come back is because the villagers insisted I stayed there to celebrate with them. A lot of people wanted thank me, and talk to me, and all that She-Ra stuff," Adora has no annoyance in her voice, but she does sound tired. "It was nice, but it's also a bit tiring. All the attention," she admits, and Catra smiles as Adora allows herself to be honest about it.
"And you got here wanting nothing but doing some Adora stuff."
"Yep. And found my girlfriend pretending not to notice my presence," she pouts and Catra chuckles.
"You know I like messing around."
"I do," Adora's pout becomes a smile. "What about you? How was your day?"
"Oh, you know. Stealing cake, meditating, making fun of Sparkles and Arrow Boy… the usual," Catra smirks.
"What did they do this time to deserve that?"
"They're just overly fluffy all the time! I wonder if they have even kissed yet without going 'you can do it first' and 'no, you go first' and stuff," Catra huffs playfully. "And Glimmer complains about us."
"Well, we do, uh… you know. We are very, well, y'know."
"We are very what, Adora?" Catra tries not laughing as Adora opens and closes her mouth multiple times.
"W-we are very public. About… affection. Flirting and stuff," Adora hides her face in the crook of Catra's neck. Catra chuckles and puts her hand on the back of Adora's head.
"You're such a big baby," she says. "But well, point is: I teased Sparkles about calling us out earlier, when she's all blushy gushy around Bow."
"Sounds entertaining," Adora says as she turns her face, lips brushing against Catra's neck. "Any other interesting event today besides making Glimmer's life a living hell?"
"Well…" Catra starts reluctantly, and sighs. "Scorpia and I talked. Before Perfuma arrived for the session."
"And how did it go?" Adora's voice goes serious, but it's also gentle. She slips her hand under Catra's shirt, caressing gently to comfort her as they enter that subject. Adora knows that Catra had been struggling with making up for her actions, and more often than not she mentioned wanting to talk to Scorpia.
"I apologized to her. For everything I did," Catra's hold on Adora tightens and Adora applies more pressure to her caress on Catra's back. Catra sighs and purrs, feeling content to be in her girlfriend's arms like this. "And she forgave me. She told me that she sees that I'm becoming a better person. And that she couldn't not forgive me after seeing my growth. And she's glad to be my friend again."
"That's great, Catra!"
"It just feels so… I don't know, after everything I put her through, being forgiven this easily is kind of a shock," Catra's voice is soft, and then she smiles fondly. "It's so Scorpia to have such a big heart."
"You have a big heart too, dummy," Adora kisses her cheek and stops rubbing Catra's back. Her hands support her body as she hovers over Catra, and their foreheads touch. Catra's purr halts for an instant, but then comes back louder. "I'm proud of you," Adora whispers.
"You are?"
"Yes," Adora looks her in the eyes. "You're trying, you're making an effort, and that's… beautiful."
"I feel like there's still so much I must do. I haven't…" her voice fails, and Adora sees her eyes go down. "I don't know how to talk to Glimmer about…"
"Hey," Adora cups her cheek and smiles gently. "I can help you with that, if you want. I'm by your side, Catra. It's a good thing that you know that you have to talk to her. It's a hard thing to bring up, but you'll have to eventually. And I will be there for you."
"You promise?" Catra mutters.
"I promise," Adora answers with a brief giggle.
"You know," Catra says after some seconds, now smirking with slight mischief. "We haven't kissed in forever."
"I kissed you good morning," Adora chuckles.
"See? In forever," Catra's smirk becomes a grin, and she smoothly runs her retracted claws over Adora's back. Adora gasps and closes her eyes. Then, Catra keeps talking, her tone dropping. "Let's have some fun before dinner is ready. What do you say?"
"Hmmmm," Adora hums playfully. "I think my answer is…" she leans in to whisper in Catra's ear, "yes."
With that, Catra's hand goes to the back of Adora's head, fingers tangling with her hair as she brings her down for a kiss. Catra sighs through her nose when their lips touch. They have been together for almost two months and a half, but every time they kiss still feels so… electrifying. Adora's hand leaves her cheek and touches her neck, and the arm she was supporting herself with starts to give, and she lowers herself, pressing their bodies close together.
Adora takes the gasp that leaves Catra's lips as an opportunity to slip her tongue into her mouth. Catra's hands go to Adora's hips and she deepens the kiss as their tongues move in synch. They keep kissing for a while, hands exploring each other's bodies. Catra is the first to pull away, and when she looks at Adora, she finds her eyes still closed. As though she is still taking in their kiss, the touches…
"You're so beautiful," Catra whispers, and Adora opens her eyes. Catra thinks about how those eyes are as blue and as drowning as the ocean, as clear and light as the sky. They suit Adora. They take her in, they show Adora's love in a raw way that words may not ever express. They make her get lost in them, just like Adora does.
Adora is about to respond when a loud banging sounds through their door.
"Dinner's ready!" Glimmer shouts, knocking repeatedly. Knocking is a habit she developed after teleporting into their room in… not so appropriate times.
"Come on out, lovebirds!" Bow says right after, and Adora groans, hiding her face in Catra's shoulder.
"You calling us lovebirds?!" Catra shouts back. "Do I need to remind you two-"
"No! Nope, nope, nope!" Bow answers.
"We're going now! See you two in the dining room!"
Adora and Catra laugh at that, and then Adora sighs.
"Do we really have to go?" Adora asks, muffled by Catra's shoulder.
"Yes, we do. You have to eat something before sleeping, princess."
"I'm She-Ra," Adora answers.
"Yes, you are. Which is why you need proper nourishment," Catra pats her back. "Come on, let's go get some food."
"Ugh, alright."
After dinner, they go back to their room to get ready to sleep and rest from the day. This time, Melog accompanies them, turning into their smaller size and trotting to the bed and taking the foot. Adora chuckled at that, and took her side of the bed, holding the blanket up for Catra to lie under. Catra walks to the bed with a smile, ready to snuggle with her girlfriend.
When she gets close to the bed, she starts getting anxious, though. It would be unexplainable if this weren't such a recurrent event: the nightmares. They would come and plague her again. They would take her head, torture her. They would-
"Hey, are you okay?" Adora asks, and the concern is evident in her voice, in her eyes. Catra looks at her, ready to deflect the question with a small smile and a simple "yeah." But something in her mind stops her from doing so.
Part of being in people's lives is learning to lean on them, too.
Don't you think that pushing her away will make her feel worse than if you open up?
Catra sighs and sits on the bed, back to her pillow against the headboard. Adora sits up too, and Catra can feel her gaze as she pulls her knees to her chest. Catra knows that Adora is impatient and that she's getting nervous with this situation. She knows that making her wait is causing many thoughts to go through her mind. So she decides to speak, stretching her legs.
"I need to talk to you. About… something."
"I'm listening," Adora answers softly, grabbing her hand and interlacing their fingers.
"I… I-I talked to Perfuma. About what has been, um, bothering me at night. And I… think that you should know."
"Catra, if you're not ready-"
"Do you want to know, Adora?" Catra turns to her. And there it is, Catra pushing her to putting her needs and wants on the table. Adora doesn't know how to deal with this most of the time, but there is still something so good about being asked that. About being able to control her own decisions, her own thoughts.
"I, uh… I don't- Catra, what I don't want is for you to get hurt. And I see that whatever is happening is hurting you," Adora squeezes her hand, "and I haven't been able to do anything to help you. So if you talking will be what helps me be there for you… then yes, that's what I want. It's been killing me, not being able to help you."
"Adora…"
"I don't want you to feel pressured, or cornered," Adora's voice is small. "I just wish you would talk to me."
"Then let's talk," it's Catra's turn to squeeze Adora's hand. "I've been getting nightmares. They're about… the most diverse things. F-from memories of when we were kids and Shadow Weaver would… you know, do her best to be the worst person ever, to the- to the things I've done. And from that, to what happened when Horde Prime-" Catra starts trembling, and Adora moves to sit closer to her, and Catra lays her head on Adora's shoulder. "There are times I have a hard time believing that this is what's real, and what I see in those nightmares are just dreams."
"Catra… why didn't you say anything?" Adora squeezes her hand again and starts rubbing the back with her thumb.
"That's the point I wanted to get to. When I wake up, I'm so… scared. There is so much fear, so much pain… and I," Catra chokes on her own words. "That fear scares me even more. B-because when I hurt you, I was scared. T-that was the main source of everything. The source of my rage over the thought of not being a number one priority to you. The pain over you leaving. I was scared I wouldn't be able to fill the gap. I was scared I wouldn't be able to be enough to earn my place. And I was scared of what would come if I truly weren't. That I'd be easily disposable for the Horde, just like I was for you."
"Catra, I'm so sorry-"
"Please, Adora, let me say this. I-I know that our past is a lot to unpack. There are things that I did that you might not ever be able to forgive. I'm not trying to play the victim here, I know that even if a big part of what I've done was because of Shadow Weaver's influence - because of her abuse - I have responsibility for my actions. I have done enough bad things in three years that I will have to apologize for for the rest of my life. Even then, I don't know if people will be able to forgive me. And it's their right not to."
"Catra, you helped save the Universe. You saved me," Adora's words are gentle. "And you are working on becoming a better person, too. You are a good person, Catra."
"And that is something else that I need to prove. You may see that, and some of our… uh, friends, or whatever, may see it, too," Adora smiles at Catra saying the word friends. "But there is so much I have to do, so much I need to earn. I wanna walk around without seeing people afraid of me. But… this is not the point. The point is that I'm…" Catra trails off, going silent.
"Catra…?"
"Sorry. I'm okay, I just…" Catra feels tears well up as she starts again. "I'm scared that if I wake you up, and tell you about it, a-and… and you see me like that, you'll see the person who hurt you. B-because all of my fears were what fueled me. Fear of never being enough, fear of being discarded, fear of…" a sob breaks out. "Adora, I was scared of not hating you, of my love for you. A-and then I was scared of hating you too much, a-and… I was so confused. And angry, and all of that because I was scared. So what if I… what if I make you see that same person? The one who hurt you, the one who almost destroyed the world? The one who's responsible for Glimmer's mom not being around anymore and-"
"Catra-"
"And what if all of you decide that you're better off without me? What if I'm never a good enough person to earn forgiveness?" Melog stands on the bed and walks to Catra, lying by her side and purring. Catra puts her free hand on their back, and takes in a feel deep breaths, trying to calm down her heart. Then, she looks up at Adora and sees the shock in her eyes, tears spilling from those cerulean irises. "I don't wanna be alone, Adora…"
"Hey," Adora calls, cupping her cheek. "Catra. I… I don't really know what to say. I'm not good with, y'know, feelings and all that-"
"Neither am I," Catra sniffs and chuckles.
"-but! What I am good at is loving you. Catra, I love you. And I also know you. When you put your head to something, you don't back down. You're working on being better, for yourself and for others. I see that. I see you, and I see who you are. And when you're scared," Catra's gaze dops at that, "hey, look at me. Please?" Adora asks and Catra does, her expression vulnerable and raw. "When you're scared, I see you, too, Catra. The you from now. The you who saved me, who taught me to put myself first at times, who loves me everyday like it is the last. That's who I see now, and I know that you're scared now, aren't you?"
Catra simply nods, more tears spilling from her eyes. Adora brings their foreheads together before continuing.
"And still, you haven't hurt me. What I see is not rage, it's pain. It hurts in a different way, a way that makes me want to to take it away even though I don't know how to. What hurts me right now is not you, Catra. It's the fact that you're hurting. And don't you dare apologize, because it's not your fault. As I said, you're a good person, Catra. Even if you get scared, or angry, or anything like that, you're still the person I love. The person I see working towards becoming better and better everyday."
"Adora…" Catra whispers. "I love you, too. Thank you."
"I'm always gonna be here for you," Adora says and hugs her, being hugged back immediately by Catra. "And Catra?"
"Yeah…?"
"Can you promise me something?"
"Uh… sure?"
"Promise me you'll talk to me when you have a nightmare," Adora says gently, not wanting to sound demanding. "No matter what you see, no matter how terrible I am in it, no matter what you did in it. You promise?"
"I promise," Catra answers after thinking for some seconds. They stay like that for some minutes, until Adora yawns, making Catra chuckle. "Let's sleep now. You had a long day."
"Will you be okay?" Catra knows what Adora's question means: what about your nightmares?
"Well, I'm tired too. And as long as I have you to hold me, I think I'll be just fine."
"Oh geez, you're so cheesy."
"What?! I'm not!" Catra exclaims, pulling away and pushing Adora's face, putting no real force to it. Adora starts laughing, and Catra growls playfully. Then, Adora grabs her wrist and softly sets her hand down. Then, she kisses Catra's cheek, and then the other, and then pecks her lips.
"It's okay, I am one, too."
"Whatever. Let's sleep," Catra answers, already lying down. Melog goes back to their place at the foot of the bed, near the edge.
"Okay, baby," Adora says, lying down as well. Catra's heart flutters at the term of endearment as Adora brings her close. She puts her face on Adora's shoulder and inhales, taking in her scent.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
And then they slept, allowing themselves to relax. When the nightmares do come, Catra allows herself to he held. She allows herself to be comforted. She allows Adora to be there to mutter "I've got you, baby. I've got you," while she rubs her back. She allows Adora to kiss her face and her forehead between encouraging words. She allows herself to cry on Adora's shoulder until she falls asleep again.
Maybe the nightmares will stay forever, but as long as Adora is there too, she knows that she will always be safe.