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It catches him properly off guard when it happens, mostly because it hasn’t happened in years.
He’s been out for the day with Ben and Lexi- the rare summer sun had managed to put even Ben in a good mood, so Lexi had convinced the two of them to take her to the zoo (not that it had taken all that much convincing on Callum’s part- he still wasn’t immune to Lexi’s puppy dog eyes in the way Ben was). The whole day had been blissful- It had just been the three of them, and it felt like they had their own little world. Not even that long ago a day like this, where it felt like half the population of London was in one place, would have set Callum on edge. He’d be checking his back every minute, watching for prying eyes, waiting for someone to point him out. Now, though, when Ben’s been holding his hand almost every minute, and Lexi’s pointing out how cute every second animal is, he almost doesn’t have to. Sure, there’s still that nagging voice at the back of his mind convincing him that something’s going to happen, someone’s going to know, or he doesn’t pass enough, but it’s almost drowned out by the sound of Lexi’s laughter, and the feeling of Ben’s fingers curled in his.
That’s why it catches him so off guard.
He’s at the till- buying bottles of water for him and Ben, and an ice cream for Lexi (because she hasn’t stopped talking about getting one for the whole day) and the other two are waiting just off to the side, Lexi rambling on to Ben about something or other. The woman at the till seems nice enough- bored more than anything. The name tag on her chest that reads hi! My name is Rachel! appears much too cheery for the expression on her face, but Callum’s dealt with much worse than snarky salespeople.
“Hi, just those please,” Callum says, and he takes just a little pride in how the woman looks oh so disgruntled at his cheery tone. Sue him; he’s in a good mood.
Rachel doesn’t say anything in response just sighs and scans everything through the till. Callum takes the moment to turn and look back to Ben, who just catches his eye at the right time, and smiles back at him, and he can feel the warmth as it rushes through his chest, because fuck, he’s so in love.
He turns back just in time for Rachel to turn her bored expression back to him.
“That’s four-fifty, ma’am.”
It’s like- plunging into an ice bath after soaking in a hot tub. The warmth has been surrounding you for so long that it doesn’t feel like it can possibly ever end- the only thing that there is in the world is that warmth, all-encompassing and blissful. Then you’re plunged into that ice bath, and it’s like the shock of the contrast stops your heart for a minute.
It leaves Callum breathless, and he doesn’t know what to do. It’s he’s frozen, because no one has called him that in so long, and it hurts.
All of that bliss of the day just drips away, washes down the drain with the self-confidence that’s been building, because suddenly it’s like he’s hyper aware of everything. It’s things like how he’s been letting his hair grow out a little, because Ben loves to run his fingers through it, and Callum loves it even more. It’s how he’s been missing out on running lately, and he didn’t catch himself in the mirror this morning or the day before. It’s how he’s now so conscious of his chest out of habit, even though there’s been nothing there for a while now that he’s reaching up to pull it away from his chest before he can stop himself, because there’s no need any more.
“Ma’am?” Rachel says again, because he’s probably been stood there a lot longer than he should, and it throws him out of his own mind.
“S-sorry,” Callum says as he hands over the money, and his voice feels too high all of a sudden.
“Have a nice day,” Rachel says as he picks up his things in that horribly bored tone, and he smiles back at her, because he’s too goddamn polite, and he hates it. He wants more than anything to correct her, because he knows Ben would have done it for him if he was here, because that’s the kind of protective thing Ben would do, but he’s just not brave enough.
Ben gives him a hesitant, worried look when Callum comes back to where he and Lexi had been sat. Callum just shrugs him off with a forced smile, because he can’t bear to explain why it suddenly feels like everyone there is looking at him, and everyone can see right through him. They sit there a little while longer while Lexi finishes her ice cream and Ben keeps on looking over at him. Callum knows he’s gone quiet, and he knows that that’s made Ben suspicious, but right now he just doesn’t have it in him to explain.
“Come on then, handsome,” Ben says as they get up to head back to the tube, and he’s sure he can’t hide the way that it feels like he’s going to start crying right there, because he isn’t that.
-
He catches himself in the mirror later, and for a minute he can’t even bear to look. Ben’s just putting Lexi to bed in the other room, and he can just about hear the sounds of Ben’s voice reading her a story. He’s only just started, so Callum knows that he’ll be alone for a while. Alone with his thoughts is the last thing he wants to be today.
But the moment he catches himself in the mirror-
He’s half way through changing, so he’s only wearing his boxers. The twin scars across his chest are still visible, although they’ve healed nicely- that’s almost solely down to Ben, who’s been the one reminding him incessantly to take care of them for months. There’s still a visible scar on his abdomen from the shrapnel wound, but he’s almost used to that now. It feels like centuries ago, the army, almost something that happened to someone else, and in a way it was.
After that, his eyes hit his hips and it’s like he can see why that woman said what she did earlier. His packer’s back in the drawer because he’d been half way through changing into his pyjamas, and he’s so tempted to pull it back out again, even though he never does that, because everything looks so wrong that the wrongness of it burns in his chest like a fire. His hips just look too wide, and if he thinks too hard about everything down there he’s going to scream-
It’s then that he realises he’s started crying, and that he’s got his head against the mirror, his eyes closed. He feels stupid, standing half naked in front of the mirror, crying, but it’s oddly reminiscent of his teen years. He knows that so much has changed since then, but for a moment it feels like nothing has- like he’ll always feel like this.
“Cal?”
Ben’s voice carries through the fog of thoughts in his mind like a lamp light in the middle of a storm- Ben’s there to pull him out, and hits Callum again just how much he loves Ben.
“Baby? What’s wrong?” Ben says, coming to stand next to Callum, a hand waiting hesitantly by Callum’s shoulder.
He lifts his hands from where they’re clenched at either side of the mirror and makes a small ‘D’ sign with his finger. When things are bad like this, that’s Callum’s sign that tells Ben ‘I’m dysphoric, and struggling’. He hears the sharp intake of breath from Ben, then feels the soft weight of his boyfriend’s hands on his shoulders. They guide him away from the mirror slowly, then back onto the bed behind them. Ben lies Callum down on top of it, the lays down next to him.
“You want to talk about it?” Ben says quietly, running a hand through Callum’s hair, so much so that Callum almost loses himself in the familiarity of it. Instead, he turns his head just slightly so that he’s facing Ben but his ear is still against Ben’s chest.
“When I was buying Lex an ice cream earlier,” he says, focusing on the blue of Ben’s eyes because the last thing he wants to do is think too hard about it. “The woman at the till misgendered me. It’s just- been so long. Just got to me, I guess.”
There’s a familiar look of protective anger that crosses Ben’s face, like he wants to ride straight back to the zoo now and give the woman a piece of his mind (which would be equal parts embarrassing and insanely hot, probably). Callum’s so used to that protective streak inside Ben that it’s almost comforting.
“I knew something had happened, I saw you freeze up at the counter,” Ben said. “Didn’t think you’d want to talk about it then.”
“Nah, not really,” Callum says, and there’s so much racing around his head that he wants to say, so much that he wants to ask Ben, but he can’t fathom where to start.
“I hate this,” he says instead, and he’s not even sure if Ben understood. It’s the momentary pause of Ben’s fingers in his hair that tells him he must have, and that Ben must still have his implant in.
“I love you, handsome. Always,” is Ben’s response, and it burns in his chest in the best and worst way.
“I’m not that,” Callum says, and he thinks he probably says it too quietly for Ben to hear. Ben must feel the vibrations of his chest, though, because he nudges Callum’s face up.
“Didn’t catch that,” Ben says softly, and there’s that edge of guilt to his voice that Callum hates, and he scolds himself silently for not thinking about it.
“I’m- I’m not that,” Callum says, and the shame burns in his cheeks. Pity crossed with protectiveness flits across Ben’s eyes then.
“You are the most handsome man I know,” Ben says, and it feels like Ben’s planting all these thoughts deep in his chest, all these little things that remind him that he’s good enough, every time he feels like this. One day, maybe there will be enough planted there that he never has to feel like this again.
“I love you, Callum. I wish there was something more I could do,” Ben says, and its just so considerate and loving.
“Just- hold me,” Callum replies, and he doesn’t have to say another word. Ben pulls Callum’s head so that it rests over his heart, and returns a hand to his hair, and that’s how they fall asleep eventually, tangled together.