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On his first day back to Japan, his mother and sister surprise him with his favourite meal. They hug him tightly, inquire all about his latest accomplishments and surprisingly keep clear of any topic related to his soulmate. His nephew, Takeru, spends the day praising Oikawa and being awfully affectionate, he even shows enthusiasm when Oikawa offers to volley the ball with him for a bit while they talk about the latest middle school qualifiers. Overall, Oikawa doesn’t lose the smile on his face the entire day. He missed Japan, he missed his family.
It’s on day two that everything goes south.
Due to Oikawa’s excitement of being back home, he had been completely oblivious to the slight changes in his childhood home. Come morning time, Oikawa finally took the chance to look around and to his great dismay, he caught sight of the two potted plants decorating the main entrance.
“Lavender!” Oikawa screams, regretting his tone immediately but refusing to back down; he stormed into the kitchen, pointed towards the entrance, and demanded an explanation from his mother.
His mother levels him with a look, crosses her arms and tells Oikawa he wouldn’t understand.
And. And what the hell does that mean? Understand what? Oikawa can barely make sense of the situation, his mouth is wide open and his eyes are probably just as wide as his mom refuses to explain. Oikawa yells and yells, even threatens to throw out the plants. His mom, stubbornly yells back and eventually tells Oikawa to mind his own business and that this is her house, and “I don’t live in the past.”
Oikawa’s fists curl at those words and his gut clenches with a feeling that resembles pain he often feels come from them and— he storms to his room, grabs his headphones and phone and storms out the house.
His heart is beating frantically as he jogs the similar route he used to take back in high school. His mind is in a constant battle between the sight of those plants and the echo of his mother's words. He tries to play back the conversation, he tries to make sense of what the hell is going on. But no matter what he thinks about, no matter what memory he dissects, nothing makes sense.
Lavender. His mom has lavender plants. Lavender.
The memory hits him before he can completely block it out. Oikawa stops abruptly in an empty street. He bends over, hands on his knees, to catch his breath. He closes his eyes and he sees his father.
His father the day before he lost him. His father, sitting on the couch, eyes distant as he fiddles with his hands.
“Dad, are you crying?” Oikawa asks innocently. His father blinks at him with clear tears in his eyes.
“No. Just thinking.”
“Thinking?” His father nods, his head turning to the side and Oikawa follows the gesture. Father and son stare out the window, eyes on the tree in their backyard. “About trees?”
“No.” Oikawa remembers hearing the soft chocking sound his father made. “Lavender.”
Lavender.
“…. every time I closed my eyes and I would dream, I could see nothing but lavender. A plant that I’ve always known to cherish because it brought me to my so wife suddenly became the bane of my existence…”
-o-
Bokuto can’t sleep.
His room is a bit cold and he does have every single light on, but he hasn’t even entertained the idea of heading to bed due to the constant churning sensation in his stomach. It’s odd, the feeling isn’t really something he recognizes. He knows it has nothing to do with the food he consumed earlier on and much less with any other possible issue with his body. In fact, if anything, the sensation resembles what he often feels from his soulmates. But it makes no sense since it’s not painful, just unsettling.
He considers the possibility of it being nerves, after all, the match against the Adlers is tomorrow— more than that, tomorrow he is going to see his soulmate. It’s not hard to imagine that his stomach is turning because of that single fact but… that’s not it either.
Bokuto sighs, reaching for his phone as he considers messaging his captain or coach just in case it’s just his body acting up for some reason. He thinks of what to say but never actually gets to typing anything as he receives a text from Akaashi, distracting him completely.
‘Are you still okay with the interview tomorrow?’
Bokuto smiles and responds with a few emojis before confirming for what feels like the tenth time that yes, he doesn’t mind doing an interview tomorrow as long as they get some food together afterwards.
Akaashi instantly replies, questioning him on being awake before a longer text follows, scolding him for not getting proper rest before a game. Bokuto laughs and sends back even more emojis before his eyes find the time on his phone. He sighs deeply once again, feels the turning sensation and huffs. It’s probably nothing. He thinks, finally moving to turn off the lights in his room, leaving just the bedside light on.
Bokuto takes off his shirt and throws it to the side before he heads to the kitchen in search of his water bottle and when he finds it, he chugs down the whole thing before he fills it up again and takes it with him to throw in his bag. It’s then that he finally does some stretches after making sure everything is set for when he wakes up in less than five hours to meet up with his team.
He still keeps feeling something but he tries to ignore it as he finally pulls back the covers to his bed right after setting up his alarm. He is going to deeply regret not getting enough sleep, though it's comforting to know he can probably nap on the bus ride to the Sendai Arena.
Maybe it is just nerves. Bokuto thinks right when the knocking starts.
Bokuto blinks, stilling with a knee already on his bed. Knock. Knock. Bokuto blinks again and then his doorbell rings. His mind quickly tries to make sense of who could possibly be knocking on his door at— 9pm, huh, technically that’s not too bizarre. Even so, Bokuto is not expecting anyone. More importantly, there really is no one apart from his teammates that live in the area, and all of them are probably sleeping right now.
He stays still for another minute, thinking maybe it was a mistake. Yet the knocking comes again and Bokuto finds himself blinking one more time before he is making his way to the door, completely baffled. He forgets he is shirtless and worse so, he forgets to check through the peep hole before opening the door— both very important details that he instantly regrets forgetting when his eyes meet the olive eyes of one of his soulmates.
Time stops and Bokuto thinks he feels his heart almost leave his chest. His throat instantly dries and the hand holding the door open pulses with the desire to slam it close. His mind goes completely blank.
“Ushi—Ushijima!?” Saying the name out loud brings forward more regret. The pulsing in his hand intensifies and Bokuto really, really wants to slam the door close. This isn’t happening. His mind thinks. This can’t be happening.
“Bokuto Koutarou.” Ushijima Wakatoshi says and Bokuto thinks he feels his whole body go cold.
They stare at each other for a minute. For two minutes. For five.
Neither move nor say anything else. Bokuto eventually lets his mouth move but all it does is open and close, unable to find any words. Ushijima is taller than him so he is looking down (not by a lot but for some reason Bokuto still notices the slight tilt of his head), eyes zeroed in on his face. Bokuto himself is debating between keeping eye contact or letting his eyes wander elsewhere.
He realizes then, however, that he can’t look away. Ushijima’s eyes seem to be screaming a million things at him and one of the things is clearly ‘don't look away.’ Looking away would also mean backing down from the challenge— and what exactly is Ushijima challenging him for? Why are you here?
Stupidly he thinks about tomorrow’s match. Or maybe not stupidly since the only thing that ties him to Ushijima is their upcoming match. The fact that they are soulmates means nothing since Ushijima doesn’t want him. But that thought quickly leaves his head since he can’t follow up the idea with anything that makes sense. It’s then that he remembers how his teammates now know about his soulmates.
Oh. Maybe that’s it. Bokuto wouldn’t put it past Atsumu to be involved somehow. Bokuto could probably think of a few reasons as to why Hinata could also be involved— even Sakusa. Him and Ushijima are friends after all. Maybe his teammates have guilted Ushijima into whatever the hell reason for him to be here.
A bit of anger overcomes him then. After all this time, is Ushijima actually here just because someone meddled? The fact that Bokuto stands so close to his soulmate in a setting outside a volleyball court; is it because of guilt? Bokuto has already made peace (not really) with having a soulmate— two soulmates that don’t want him. In fact, he has made peace with never even truly being rejected because neither Ushijima or Oikawa had ever had the common courtesy to approach him, to speak to him, to at least give him a reason—
Maybe that’s why Ushijima is here. Bokuto blinks, letting the realization of the most possible reason hit him. Ushijima is probably here to officially reject him. They are both professional athletes. They are both public figures. In a matter of weeks Bokuto might be representing Japan and that, that just means him and Ushijima will have to play together. Oh, Bokuto thinks, his gut sinking a little because even though he had no expectations for the situation he is in, he still feels let down. Ushijima is probably just here to guarantee no hard feelings.
With that realization Bokuto finds the strength to move into action. Ushijima is just staring at him, seeming to be lost in his own thoughts and perhaps that’s why Bokuto reasons him taking a step back to close the door should go unnoticed. Of course he is wrong because the moment he moves, Ushijima’s eyes seem to become more alert and his gaze intensifies to the point that Bokuto gulps. Ushijima seems to catch that action as his eyes flicker downwards. They linger for a second and that’s when Bokuto conveniently remembers he is shirtless.
He looks down and instinctively moves his arms to cover his chest. He then thinks he is being stupid because why should he be embarrassed? Then he realizes he is embarrassed and all that does is evoke the red tint on his cheeks that he knows is noticeable because Ushijima looks up, stares, and finally, finally looks away.
Bokuto swallows because his throat feels dry.
“Can I come in?” Hearing Ushijima’s voice almost makes him jump. It takes him a second to understand the words spoken to him. Or rather the question, and that’s just mean. Ushijima wants to enter his apartment? He wants a glimpse of his life? Even though he is about to break Bokuto’s heart again?
No. His mouth is ready to say but instead he stays silent as he moves to the side. Ushijima seems to wait for a verbal response but Bokuto doesn’t offer any so eventually he nods and moves to come in. It all happens within a minute but Bokuto feels like its been an hour before he finally closes the door, Ushijima inside his apartment.
If he had a clock, he would be hearing it click with how silent the room is.
A million thoughts run through his mind but none of them come close to helping Bokuto in this situation. Ushijima doesn’t go further in past the entrance and Bokuto feels his sanity slowly leave him as he realizes he probably made a mistake letting him in. Ushijima is a stranger and this is just awkward, humiliating and painful.
With his heart beating fast and his hands fighting the urge to curl into fists, Bokuto takes the lead, walking past Ushijima to lead the way inside his apartment. It’s not a small place but with his soulmate here, it feels suffocating. They make it to the small living room area where Bokuto pauses to look down the hall towards his room (where his bedside light stands as the only light in his apartment, and where his shirt is) before his eyes travel to the kitchen. “I can make tea—“
“No, thank you.” Ushijima cuts off Bokuto’s weak attempt at an escape to collect himself. In response Bokuto turns to meet his eyes. The window in the living area is another source of light since his blinds are open and the sky is cloudless. With the moonlight and the distant rays of his bedside light, Bokuto can make out enough of Ushijima’s face.
He seems nervous.
Bokuto’s stomach feels like it’s turning as the sight of Ushijima’s nervousness makes him uncomfortable for reasons he can’t even fathom. His mind is flooded with questions then, because someone ready to reject shouldn’t look so meek. Does that mean Ushijima isn’t here to put the final nail to the coffin of their dead—never even alive—relationship? Why are you here? What do you want? This doesn’t make sense. Bokuto thinks while a dreaded feeling begins to grow at his core. A feeling that is coated with hope and faith in what Bokuto knows about soulmates. A feeling he has been waiting for his entire life. A feeling he has made peace with never feeling because in this world, his soulmates don’t want him.
You rejected me. Bokuto thinks, the fact crashing against his chest, numbing him as Ushijima visibly seems to be collecting himself. You don’t want me. Bokuto reminds himself for good measures even though in the back of his mind he is starting to entertain the idea that maybe he was wrong. Maybe there is hope. Maybe—
The churning sensation Bokuto has been experiencing the entire night is suddenly back and his mouth falls slightly open as he considers the possibility of it being a pain coming from Ushijima.
Are you here to break my heart? Bokuto thinks to himself just as Ushijima takes a step forward.
“Bokuto Koutarou.” Seeing his name being spoken from his soulmate’s mouth is almost as breathtaking as hearing it. What is Bokuto suppose to do? Why is this happening? Why— “I don’t know where to start.” What does Bokuto say to that? “I thought a lot, about what I would say.” Ushijima pauses, taking another step forward. Bokuto stays still, hands still covering his chest but this time it feels like it’s to keep himself safe, it has nothing to do with his bare chest. “I want to apologize.” Don’t apologize for not wanting me. Bokuto thinks, ready to interrupt Ushijima because he isn’t ready to hear this. He doesn’t think he will ever be. He opens his mouth but another step from Ushijima freezes him and before he can collect himself, Ushijima says; “I’m sorry for my cowardice.”
The apology is direct and clear so no matter what Bokuto tells himself, there is no way he can misunderstand Ushijima’s words. “What?” He asks because though he understands Ushijima is apologizing for being a coward, Bokuto doesn’t know what he means.
“I. I spoke with Sakusa.” Ushijima confesses, head tilting down in shame and, god, Bokuto knew it. His teammates had meddled. But Sakusa? Bokuto pounders. Sure, his friendship with Ushijima made him a suspect from the beginning but even so, Sakusa is a one of his most detached teammates and so Bokuto’s own friendship with him has clear boundaries. If Bokuto can connect the dots properly and Ushijima is here apologizing for being a coward because he spoke with Sakusa then…
Then that means Sakusa had to have confide in Ushijima of his disagreement with the way things are between them. Sakusa surely has an opinion on Bokuto and his soulmates, and knowing him, it probably strongly centres on the fact that communication doesn’t exist in their bond. The only flaw in this thought is that Sakusa doesn’t meddle. He doesn’t act out on emotions or opinions. Sakusa is reasonable, respectful, and mature—Except when Atsumu is in the picture.
Bokuto almost feels his eyes twitch at the realization.
Miya Atsumu without a doubt has something to do with this. Out of all the suspects he is the most suiting. Bokuto wants to scream. He knew sharing with his teammates the situation with his soulmates was a mistake. Atsumu had acted as if he was personally offended, bluntly voicing his dislike for both Ushijima and Oikawa since what scrub would avoid their soulmate. (Never mind that Atsumu’s own soulmate had ignored the fact that they were soulmates for a better part of them knowing each other)
What did you do Tsmu-Tsmu?
“Sakusa informed me that you were under the impression that I had rejected you as my soulmate.”
Bokuto inwardly recoils, hating to hear it voiced. For a moment, he relives that day. The day Kuroo had approached him to confirm that Tsukishima had confronted his soulmate about the possibilities. He remembers the dismissal. He remembers Kuroo’s eyes, distant and angry. Pain. He knows all about pain but this—
Heart clenching, air taking, soul crashing pain. I’m not wanted. Of course I’m not wanted.
“Listen.” Bokuto finds the courage to speak before Ushijima can further bring back memories he has long buried. “I don’t know what my teammates told you or what you think you will accomplish from this— I understand. I’m not— it’s okay.” Bokuto can imagine it now, Ushijima hearing the rumours of how he used to be, of his emotions, of how quickly he sinks into his own feelings. Don’t pity me. “I’m sure you have your reasons.” He breathes in. “I accept your rejection and I—“
“No!” Ushijima shouts, interrupting Bokuto before he can continue saying stupid words that hold no meaning because they hold no truth. “I have never— I don’t.” Ushijima struggles to speak and even though Bokuto doesn’t know him, even though this is the first time they are really speaking, for some reason he can tell it’s not a common thing. “I know it may appear otherwise, but I do not reject our bond. I never have. I came to apologize that you ever had to believe that.”
It’s like getting a cold bucket of water dumped on him. “What!?”
Ushijima bows his head and Bokuto feels his eyes grow wider even though he knows that’s probably impossible. “Beyond that, I was a fool. I apologize for ever thinking that you— to think that I foolishly believed that perhaps you didn’t want me.”
“What!?”
“Words will never be enough to translate my regret.”
What!? Bokuto wants to scream one more time but he forces his mouth close, not wanting to sound like a broken record. Instead, meekly, he says; “I don’t understand.” Because at this point what else can he say? With just a few words Ushijima has turned Bokuto’s mind into a fluid mess. He can’t form any coherent thought. Stupidly he stands frozen staring at Ushijima’s submissive stance as his heart fights eagerly to accept the words that were said.
“Bokuto Koutarou.” The calling of his name resets his mind. Bokuto blinks, hands falling to his side as he stares at Ushijima who slowly straightens his back. Then, in just seconds, Ushijima closes the distance between them with four easy steps. Bokuto meets his eyes one more time as Ushijima reaches out and grabs a hold of his hands.
In that moment, various thoughts cross Bokuto’s mind. We have a match tomorrow, he thinks first, then, I don’t believe you. then, this is insane, and then, please be real, before his mind is completely occupied with thoughts of warm hands and calloused fingers.
“I don’t— I don’t know how to be a soulmate.” Ushijima confesses, his eyes dropping to watch their interlocked hands.
To be a soulmate. Bokuto’s mind replays as he makes sense of what Ushijima is desperately trying to convey through the tight grip on his hands and the slight tremble his voice carried on the last confession. It feels like he comes to understand everything after hours of meditation but in reality, those simple words is all it took for Bokuto to push away any doubt, or any insecurity regarding Ushijima’s presence.
Ushijima had called himself a fool but in Bokuto’s eyes, he is the only fool if he is really willing to eat up every word Ushijima had spoken. As if he hadn’t spent the past five years trying to come to terms with a rejection that had apparently never even happened.
The chuckle leaves Bokuto before he can stop himself. Ushijima flinches, blinking as he looks up to stare at Bokuto as the chuckle grows to laughter and Bokuto’s eyes squint to let a few tears out.
“I.” He swallows. “Neither do I.” He admits and then after collecting some air, he exhales loudly, claiming; “Ushijima Wakatoshi. I guess, we can figure it out?”
After all, Bokuto has never really minded being a fool.
-o-
When Oikawa gets home that night after avoiding his mom and sister all day, he apologizes, lets his mom kiss his forehead, takes a cup of tea from his sister and then locks himself in his room.
A part of him still wants to fight. He wants to argue and demand an explanation but a greater part of him wants to understand. Even though he doesn’t know exactly what he should be understanding.
It’s with that in mind that Oikawa dives deep into his suitcase and pulls out the red box he keeps with him. In it is his medication and his test results. Below all that lies the letter his father left behind.
Oikawa has read it enough times to have it memorized but maybe there is something he missed. Maybe there is an explanation somewhere in there that can make sense of his mother allowing lavender in her house.
“To my wife and kids” the letter is addressed. Oikawa remembers his mother crying, devastated that not once had his father called her his soulmate in his letter. Oikawa sometimes can even hear those breathless sobs that his mom tried so hard to conceal. Oikawa also remembers not hearing his father refer to his mother as his soulmate long before he took his life. And they were soulmates. Their dreams lead them to each other. Yet, it was as if his father had given up on that, had forgotten.
“First and foremost, I love you” Oikawa’s grip tightens as he looks up at the ceiling trying to collect himself. Yeah right, he finds himself thinking, incapable of finding truth in those words.
-o-
For the first time in a while, Ushijima gets ready for the match without a single concern on his upcoming performance. He is confident in the strength of his team, he always is. But Ushijima often tries to evaluate the opponent and thus evaluate where he might fall short in the game. Some teams have stronger walls, others, stronger receivers. The Jackals, well, they have everything. Including the man taking every single slot in his mind. So there really is no part left for him to be concerned.
Ushijima has yet to decide wether that’s a good thing or bad. Specially considering how intense the match promises to be. Yes, the Jackals have Bokuto but they also have Hinata— Kageyama’s soulmate and life-time rival. Ushijima also happens to remember claiming he will beat Hinata next time they face each other, so he too, considers him a rival. With that being said, Ushijima can’t forget about Sakusa, who he has competed against since they were in middle school.
Miya Atsumu is also a force to be reckoned with. His serves always cause them problems, and though Ushijima isn’t usually a receiver, Atsumu always manages to be a big enough nuisance for Ushijima to pick up the role every once in a while. There is also their captain and their other middle blocker. The two have the height and reflexes to always be there for his spikes. Barnes is also a cannon that Ushijima often finds himself keeping an eye on because Ushijima is always competing with players that challenge his strength.
Bokuto is also one of those players. Ushijima has found himself thinking about that a lot before he gathered the courage to seek him out last night, and now that he has spoken to him, now that Ushijima has cleared things out— now he can indulge in even more thoughts about Bokuto and his strength.
The sting he always feels on his right hand, Ushijima will now get to feel it knowing he is on speaking terms with his soulmate. His soulmate who’s hands he held. His soulmate who forgave him for his cowardliness.
There is still a lot that they need to discuss. The night before, Ushijima had left shortly after Bokuto had promised to try the whole soulmate thing. They’ve agreed to speak after the match and even though Ushijima wishes everything could move on much more quickly— he knows the importance of time. Of patience. Of building a stable relationship.
And of course, their relationship is meant to include another person.
They have to talk about Oikawa. Ushijima has to make his stance on soulmates clear, and Bokuto, hopefully, shares his stance or will at least understand. Time. Fate and time. Ushijima will put his trust on both those things one more time.
Right now though, he will look on ahead because he has a match to win.
Everything goes by in a breeze. The match starts and ends in what feels like just minutes.
In reality, it’s four long sets of intense rallies and heart accelerating plays. Ushijima quickly loses himself in the game even though his soulmate holds a greater presence in his mind than anything else. Bokuto is truly fascinating. His plays, his strength, his enthusiasm, the way he excites the crowd, the way he forces everyone on the court to push a little harder— one set in and Ushijima is in awe.
With that acknowledgement, his own hunger and passion presents itself more intensely than any other match. Ushijima feels the sting in his right hand and quickly decides he can take it a little further. He shows off his strength and unlike the last match against the Jackals (back when his soulmate relationship was doomed for failure) he doesn’t stare longingly at the other side of the court, wishing he at least knew his soulmate was aware of his name.
He looks towards the other side of the court with anticipation, wanting to prove to Bokuto that they are equals. That they stand together. Because Bokuto had called out his name in return. He had accepted his hands, returning the tightness of the hold. We are equals. Fated. Soulmates.
The Adlers lose but Ushijima feels like a winner.
He feels victorious specially when they leave the court and they are backstage, the air is light as conversation flows easily between the two teams. The senior players of both the Adlers and Jackals walk ahead, pointing out similarities of previous matches and talking about the exciting new season. Refreshingly, Kageyama and Atsumu seem in some deep discussion about serves, easily throwing digs at each other while Hinata and Hoshiumi egg them on. From a distance, Sakusa stands looking displeased but fond and not far from him, Ushijima’s soulmate watches on, a bright smile on his face.
Ushijima can’t help himself. He approaches him and quietly stands by his side. Sakusa is quick to notice him and even quicker to raise an eyebrow at him, questioning his braveness. Ushijima simply looks ahead, unsure of how to convey to Sakusa that things are okay.
For a second Ushijima worries about the reaction of his friends. There are a lot of people that seem invested in Ushijima and his soulmates and he knows most those people are rooting for a happy ending. Even so, there are people who probably aren’t as forgiving as Bokuto.
Ushijima quickly puts those thoughts aside, unwilling to let something so small ruin his day. Instead, he gathers more courage and risks getting closer to Bokuto. It’s not long before Bokuto notices and he too takes a step closer to Ushijima, leaning over to loudly whisper, “I had fun,” as he continues to watch the rest of their teammates interact.
The words cause an explosion of a million emotions in his heart. Ushijima understand. He too had fun. He is ready to express that when he notices the slight turn in Bokuto’s expression. A frown is slowly appearing as the brightness of his smile dims. Ushijima’s gut clenches. “What’s wrong?”
Bokuto doesn’t say anything for a second and Ushijima is already trying to think of what he did wrong. He even has time to glance at Sakusa who has his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his body’s stance easily giving away that he is listening in on their conversation. Ushijima can’t think of any reason for Bokuto to be upset but he is quick to feel guilty and is about to apologize when Bokuto finally sighs, turning to meet Ushijima’s eyes, successfully freezing Ushijima as he is trapped in the hint of gold in his soulmate’s eyes. “The pain you feel. It’s physical, right?”
Ushijima is blindsided by the question. He wasn’t expecting that and as he lets the words sink, he can’t really figure out what kind of response Bokuto wants. What is he insinuating? “Is yours not?” Ushijima finds himself asking, before he can filter his thoughts.
“He is always so sad.” Bokuto says, once again surprising Ushijima. “It’s painful.”
Oh, Ushijima thinks. Oikawa.
-o-
“... I thought long and hard over my decision. I know you will never understand and selfishly, all I ask, is that you forgive me for my weakness. Forgive my cowardice. Forgive my fragile heart.”
“You figured me out, huh?” Oikawa asks, sinking into his chair, a defeated smile on his face as Tsukishima quirks an eyebrow his way. “How?” Tsukishima levels him with a look, reaching for his phone. He taps and scrolls until he turns the phone around for Oikawa to see a text conversation between him and—“Ah, Akaashi.”
“Iwaizumi-san figured it out.” Tsukishima admits and Oikawa reads the last text message again: ’Oikawa-san has no intention of staying in Japan.’ “I think he spoke to your sister about it.” Oikawa frowns, how did his sister know? “Your sister said something about your mom worried about your soulmate.”
Oikawa tenses. “Did she now.” He mumbles.
“Soulmate.” Tsukishima repeats.
Oikawa sighs, leave it to Tsukishima to catch onto every detail. “I found out my third year. I never had the chance to tell her.”
“Oikawa.” Tsukishima groans, his hand moving to rub his temples and then to adjust his glasses. He sighs. “Why did you come back?” It’s a loaded question, one that Tsukishima has asked before. This time however, Oikawa knows well his answer and its an answer he is not ready to give out.
But perhaps, Tsukishima is someone he can trust with the answer.
Tsukishima, who he met the month before he was flying out to Argentina, practicing in the same Gym he frequented. He remembers ignoring the younger the first two days but then curiosity got the better of him and he found himself inquiring about his presence. Tsukishima was there because his brother had recommended the gym and well, the spring nationals had awoken a hunger in Tsukishima; so, ”working to get better in volleyball is not a crime, Oikawa-san.”
Oikawa himself was there since practicing in the Seijoh gym hurt a bit too much.
Two days later, Oikawa once again couldn’t help himself and suggested that Tsukishima should maybe work on his stamina. (Can you blame him? The middle blocker was alway panting so loudly it made concentrating on his serves, hard.) The next day the tall first year surprised him by asking how. And so their friendship bloomed. Oikawa gave pointers, taught him like he did Seijoh’s first years. Taught him like he never did Kageyama (he didn’t even feel all that great about it) and Tsukishima listened because he now held a different love for volleyball.
He no longer was just an above average intelligent boy with height as his biggest advantage. He now used his mind like Oikawa. He had a presence. He evaluated and made calculations. He put effort. "What happened to you?” Oikawa remembers asking one day.
Tsukishima had paused before answering truthfully: “A friend taught me that volleyball could be fun.” There was something in those eyes that alerted Oikawa, warning him, screaming at him— Danger. Danger. Avoid. There was unsaid words that Tsukishima wanted to voice and Oikawa knew he didn’t want to hear.
“Oikawa-san.” Tsukishima had called out to him on the last day Oikawa had planned to go to the gym. It was after they exchanged numbers. After Oikawa told him he expected Tsukishima to keep beating Shiratorizawa, and reminding him that Seijoh was still strong. Still better.
Oikawa had paused and stared as his new friend. Tsukishima had bravely asked, “it’s not just Ushijima-san, right?” Oikawa never expected for his name to be brought up so he instantly freezes. “If it’s... if he comes forward. You would reject him, too, right?”
He knows. Is the first thing he thought and then how—who—
“Forget I said anything.” Tsukishima quickly added, regret apparent on his face. “Have a good flight.”
Oikawa remembers the walk back home, remembers feeling suffocated. Then he remembers the next two days going by in a breeze as he tried to make sense as to who it was that Tsukishima was referring to.
He figured it out the night before his flight.
Oikawa remembers pulling out a video of the spring national’s finals to watch the other man fate had dared to claim belonged by his side. Bokuto Koutarou. Ace. Top spiker. A frequent national competitor. He has been to the stage Oikawa longed for. Like Ushijima, he was above him.
Oikawa remembers his flights were long and peaceful. No turbulence. Yet Oikawa’s stomach never stoped turning.
It was a similar feeling to what he feels now as he allows his walls to drop. Why did you come back? Tsukishima asked, and for once in his life, Oikawa feels like maybe honesty is the better option.
“To say goodbye.”