Archive of Our Own

It was in middle school when Bokuto first thought that perhaps he had more than one soulmate. The thought crossed his mind when he spent a whole day feeling two types of painful emotions. One emotion seemed to be coated with anger and frustration, while the other pain seeped in with anguish and regret. It’s not like Bokuto never experienced all those emotions at once but for some reason, their distinctiveness was too obvious. It was too telling. 

Bokuto remembers bringing it up with his parents and then a week later they had taken him to see a specialist. The specialist asked him a few questions and scheduled three more appointments with him before he gave back an official report stating Bokuto is part of a poly-bond. At the time his parents weren’t fond of the idea of having more than one soulmate. Bokuto, however, was secretly pleased. It was probably for the better. More than one soulmate meant more than one person that had to put up with him. It meant he wouldn’t be as overbearing. 

Kuroo was the first person he confessed that thought to, and later he was the first person to ever punch Bokuto, and the first person to call him stupid for something he thought he was being smart for. A week later Konoha echoed Kuroo’s words and fortunately didn’t punch him to prove his point. Komi and Washio found out eventually and voiced their own opinion on the matter while Akaashi and Sarukui found out the year after and chose not to say anything. Though Sarukui’s eyes were very telling of where he stood, while Akaashi, a mere first year, barely tilted his head for Bokuto to sense his disappointment. 

It took Bokuto’s entire second year of high school for him to finally consider his friend’s words on the matter. Though Bokuto secretly always thanked the pain that grew over the year for his understanding. A great part of him always worried about being overwhelming to his soulmates. He worried that his moods and emotions would transfer his pain in ways that could annoy his soulmates. In ways that could push his soulmates away. 

However, with the capability to feel his soulmate’s own pain, Bokuto found himself comforted. He found a common ground. He found peace. 

By the time he started his third year of high school, Bokuto had come to terms with the cards Fate had handed him and eagerly anticipated the day he would meet his soulmates. He spent a lot of time dreaming about them. He spent even more time trying to piece together what the pain he felt meant and how he could help them when he met them. On particular days, he even spent time imagining the perfect outcomes.

What if his soulmates were athletes? What if his soulmates played volleyball? If not, what if they simply enjoyed watching volleyball? What do his soulmates like? How should Bokuto prepare? Would they support him? Would he be enough?

Every night he would ponder over different questions and all though most questions felt like they had answers that were heavy and loaded with unavoidable disappointment, they did nothing but excite Bokuto. So much that his entire attitude about his soulmates changed. He no longer dreaded meeting them in fear of what they may think of him. Instead he waited patiently, expressing his excitement to anyone that would hear. 

Tsukishima ended up being someone who got caught listening to him run his mouth about his soulmates and ultimately, the reason behind his heart break—though Bokuto would never blame him for that. He doesn’t even blame his soulmates. 

He blames himself a little. For not doing anything. For letting their rejection destroy his image of soulmates. For letting their inactiveness numb him. For giving up before even trying. 

But Bokuto didn’t see a point. Not when it was clear Ushijima didn’t want him. Not when Oikawa left the country and Bokuto never even heard if the setter even knew about him. In all the pain that the rejection brought, Bokuto managed to find some comfort in the fact that Ushijima and Oikawa also seemed to reject each other. Eventually Bokuto came to accept that he wasn’t the reason for their failed bond. 

Deep inside his heart, he locked any remains of his soulmates and tried his hardest to continue living his life without tripping along the way. Bokuto knows the moment he falls, it’s over for him. 

Which is why he should have thought things through the night Ushijima showed up at his apartment. Which is why he should probably reach out to one of his friends and ask for help. For a sound advice. For a wake up call. 

But Bokuto doesn't. 

It’s been a week and no one knows he is talking to Ushijima. At least, he hasn’t told anyone. He hasn’t reached out for advice and his friends— Sakusa and Hinata, who look at him with caution, who always seem to be wanting to say something to Bokuto; they stay silent and Bokuto doesn’t question them. He figures they know something, but he is too scared to bring it up. 

He thinks about telling Akaashi, the one person who would probably listen to his side before calling him crazy for simply letting Ushijima in his life but— Bokuto inhales deeply, hand pushing his hair back as his phone chimes with a notification. He looks down to see a text from Ushijima and Bokuto doesn’t have to open it to know the content. Instead he makes his way to his apartment door and deeply inhales one more time as he reaches for the handle. 

Bokuto will reach out for one of his friends for advice eventually. First, he needs to talk to Ushijima. Properly. 

On the other side of the door, Ushijima stands nervously holding a neatly wrapped box in one hand and his coat in the other. Bokuto’s heart accelerates with a simple greeting from the other and before he can do something stupid like stumble over his words, he steps aside to let his soulmate in. 

Once inside, Ushijima hands him the box and Bokuto takes the opportunity to focus his attention on the box to avoid looking at Ushijima. “A friend is planning to start his own business.” Ushijima explains. “I thought you might like them.” Bokuto blinks, wordlessly opening the box to peek inside, only to see a dozen chocolates formed into little volleyballs. 

“Cool.” Bokuto finds himself confessing, his eyes widening a little in excitement. He thanks Ushijima, catching a small smile on said man’s face as he escapes to put the chocolates away in the kitchen (sneaking one out before he returns). “I love chocolate.”

Things don’t go as smoothly after that. For one, Bokuto doesn’t know how to act around Ushijima and it seems like his soulmate feels a similar way about Bokuto. It’s clear that they are both nervous and the fact that a handful of important conversations loom over their heads doesn’t help to reduce the tension. 

Eventually, however, things get moving and somehow they end up sitting in Bokuto’s small dinning room table. It’s then that Bokuto finally clears his head enough to fully take in the sight in front of him. His whole life he has tried to build up an image of what his soulmate could be like and now, now that he is here, sitting in his dinning table with a perplexed look on his face as he stares at Bokuto’s cooking; he still doesn’t know how to make sense of it.

“It looks delicious.” Bokuto nods because he is confident in his cooking. He knows he will like it. He also nods because he doesn’t know what else to say, Ushijima’s presence leaves him breathless. “Itadakimasu” they say in unison and eat. 

Conversation starts a few bites in. Ushijima starts it with commenting on the spice level of the food and Bokuto continues it with questions about Ushijima’s favourite food. Soon after they are still actively talking about mundane things but the tone seems to be more personal. Bokuto finds himself easily confessing information about himself without fear of being judged. He is comfortable, specially because Ushijima is someone who truly listens. 

He hangs onto every word that comes out of Bokuto’s mouth. Usually that would only add to his nerves but for some reason, having Ushijima’s undivided attention gives Bokuto confidence he wasn’t aware of having. Embarrassingly, Bokuto could probably admit his heart also beats way too loudly when Ushijima watches him. It does weird flips every time Ushijima hums or nods as an affirmation to something he says. 

Bokuto’s heart even clenches when Ushijima smiles at one of his jokes. 

He is absolutely smitten with his soulmate, even though this is the first time they are sitting together, sharing a meal and a conversation. This is not good. Bokuto thinks, almost done his plate. Bokuto shouldn’t be feeling so comfortable right now. He shouldn’t be smiling. He shouldn’t be so gone for Ushijima. 

Not when they still have so much to talk about. Oikawa. Is the first thing Bokuto thinks about and then his mind goes back to a question that has made a home in Bokuto’s head since his third year of high school; why didn’t you want me?

He sort of has an answer to that. Ushijima has already stated that there was never a moment in which he didn’t want Bokuto. According to him, Ushijima never rejected him. Bokuto can understand those words and perhaps see how he may have misunderstood something along the way but—

But then Bokuto remembers that it has been five years. Five years of silence. Five years of solitude. Five years of Bokuto and Ushijima following a volleyball career, always crossing paths, living life almost as parallels and yet— nothing. Somewhere deep inside, Bokuto doubts that Ushijima never intended to reject him. How else can he explain these past five years?

“This has been wonderful.” Ushijima’s voice cuts through Bokuto’s thoughts. Bokuto sits up, staring at Ushijima in amazement, pleased with the compliment. “However, I think we should discuss our bond.”

Bokuto swallows. “Right.” He agrees, moving to collect the plates from the table while Ushijima also stands to carry their glasses to the kitchen. They clean up quickly and then Bokuto points towards the living room area and Ushijima silently makes his way over. Bokuto grabs his box of chocolates before joining him. 

“We should discuss the differences between the pain we feel—“

“Why now?” Bokuto asks, interrupting Ushijima who blinks at him the moment those words are ushered. “I mean, you said you never rejected our bond—me. So why now? Why not five years ago?” What changed? “I know you said you talked to Omi-kun but…I just can’t wrap my head around it. Sorry.”

Ushijima is silent for a moment. “Don’t be sorry.” He starts, head bowed down. “I should explain myself.” He says but Bokuto hears the hesitation and his stomach churns, dreading to hear the explanation.

Even so, Bokuto waits. He waits and waits and Ushijima is still not talking. “Are you—“

“I don’t want you to think poorly of me.” Well, too late for that. Bokuto thinks without filter, the voice in his head sounding awfully similar to Kuroo. “Or of Oikawa.”

“What about Oikawa?” Bokuto asks, a little surprised to hear Ushijima mention their soulmate with such disdain. 

“I can admit where I went wrong in the distance between us. I can come to terms with my mistakes and accept that I— that I probably don’t deserve this.” Ushijima says, every word causing Bokuto’s eyes to widen, while his heart twists uncomfortably. “I am not naive enough to thinks that you are under any obligation to accept me.” Ushijima finally meets Bokuto’s eyes and Bokuto swears he can almost see right through them. “Even though I will selfishly ask that you accept me.”

“I do accept you.” Bokuto says because it's the truth. It’s always been the truth. Since the moment Bokuto knew of the existence of his soulmates, he accepted them. 

“Oikawa didn’t.” Ushijima states, eyes dropping to his hands that are placed on his lap. Bokuto thinks he feels a twitch in his heart; one that’s coated with the pain of rejection. “From the moment he knew, since the day I called out his name, Oikawa has never accepted me.”

“I was told he has a problem with soulmates.” Bokuto mumbles, remembering hearing that from a few of his friends. ‘It’s not you.’ They would say. ‘It’s him.’ Bokuto never really believed them.

“He has a problem with me.” Ushijima corrects and Bokuto feels his throat dry. “He hates me.”

“That can’t be true.” Bokuto tries to argue. “For someone to hate their own soulmate… there is just no way. Soulmate bonds don’t work like that. To hate a soulmate, that’s just— it doesn’t make sense! Then he would have to hate me—“

“If he does, then perhaps that’s my fault.”

“No.” Bokuto snaps. “I refuse to believe that. People don’t just hate their soulmates. If anything, they hate the way their bond works or they just have a problem with the entire concept but even then, soulmates are—“

“Perfect inevitable unions.” Ushijima affirms, finishing the statement as Bokuto tries to breathe in deeply to regain control over his emotions. “Oikawa doesn’t believe that. But I’m sure, if it had been anyone else, he would have tried.”

“Thats.” Bokuto stops himself before he can say something thoughtless. “I don’t accept that.” He ends up saying and this time when Ushijima looks at him, Bokuto thinks that perhaps it’s his own eyes that Ushijima can see right through. 

“Oikawa rejected me,” Ushijima starts, choosing to ignore Bokuto’s previous statement. “He rejected our bond and I thought, I thought he needed time. That he was being stubborn and petty because of his pride. But as the years passed, I started to see things how they were.” Ushijima inhales and Bokuto tries to keep himself from leaning over and taking him in his arms. “He is my soulmate. I feel his pain. I— I wanted to be by his side.” Inhale, exhale. “He didn’t want me.” Bokuto feels another twitch in his heart and this time he doesn’t doubt who it belongs to. “So I resented him. I resented our bond.”

Oh. Bokuto thinks, heart clenching. “Even me?”

“No.” Ushijima declares. “I never resented you. Instead, I chose to believe that if Oikawa didn’t want me, why would you?” Thats stupid, Bokuto thinks. Ushijima’s lip twitches. “It was the easiest option, less painful. But yes. Stupid.” He says and Bokuto realizes he may have said that out loud. “I was stupid to allow my insecurities to blind my judgement. Truthfully, when I found out you were my soulmate, I was overjoyed.” Me too. “But at the same time I was hurting. Oikawa was leaving the country and I, I was going to lose him, even though I never had him. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear but—“ 

Ushijima cuts himself off, taking a few seconds to collect himself before he admits: “I think I needed these five years to heal.”

Bokuto’s heart twitches one more time and Bokuto can feel Ushijima’s pain so clearly, he thinks he might as well be the once experiencing the pain. It’s not like he is no familiar with it. Pain that comes from being rejected. Pain that shakes your core with thoughts of not being good enough. (What am I doing wrong? Why don't you want me? How can I change?)

Bokuto reaches for Ushijima before he can think it over. He extends one hand, wrapping it around his back as his other hand reaches for his neck. Ushijima doesn’t tense or pull away. Instead, he lets Bokuto pull his head down to rest on Bokuto’s chest. 

There are times when Bokuto manages to see things clearly. There are times when his intuition surprises even him. Right now, he is more than pleasantly surprised with how easy it is to understand Ushijima. To understand what he is trying so hard to say between his honest words and blunt statements. 

Because Bokuto has come to term with his poly-bond over his earlier school years. He has been ready for his soulmates since then. Now, sitting here, holding Ushijima as he lets himself be comforted while he gets lost in his thoughts, Bokuto understands more than ever that Ushijima and perhaps even Oikawa, weren’t ready five years ago.

"How can you love someone, when you don't even know what love is?” Bokuto remembers hearing Akaashi read out once, back in school when they were taking a break from volleyball and trying to study for their respective Human and Soulmate Study classes. 

“Easy. You just do.” Bokuto had replied honestly. 

But in a world with soulmates, that answer wouldn’t be correct. “You wait. Time will always obey Fate.” 

-o-

It’s been two weeks since Oikawa has returned to Japan, his phone reminds him early on a Saturday morning followed by a notification reminding him that his flight back to Argentina is in five weeks. 

He opts not to think about it, silencing the notification as he switches back to the google maps app and double checks his entry. He starts up his mother’s car after a quick glance over the directions and once he settles on a playlist from his phone, he begins driving. He takes it slow at first, getting used to the streets of Japan before he regains his confidence and finally comfortably leans back to drive the rest of the five hour drive to Tokyo. 

He spends most of his drive enjoying the music on his playlist, his mind occasionally drifting to think about the sceneries he passes; the landscape always captivating Oikawa with the way it fondly reminds him of his childhood. He often found himself taking short trips like this with his mother or Iwaizumi. Though he never got the chance to go to nationals and compete in Tokyo, alongside Iwaizumi, he occasionally travelled to watch official volleyball matches.

The later part of his drive is when Oikawa begins to overthink the reason for this trip.

He thinks back to his meeting with Tsukishima, remembering his careless statement about saying goodbye. Oikawa’s choice of words aren’t always tactful, but thankfully the people that know him can overlook that. 

“Right then,” Tsukishima eventually replied to his statement. “But before you do that, I need your help.”

That’s definitely not something he expected to hear from Tsukishima. In fact, Oikawa thought that perhaps the rest of their meet up would consist of Tsukishima scolding him for keeping his mom and sister in the dark about his other soulmate. He also expected a lot more questions about his volleyball career path but alas, he got none of what he expected. Instead Tsukishima asks for his help and Oikawa is too intrigued to think too much about it. 

He agrees to help without knowing the details of what he is agreeing to. Thankfully Tsukishima knows Oikawa enough to not leave him in the dark. Without Oikawa having to inquire details, Tsukishima bluntly shares the information. 

“It involves Tadashi and his soulmate.” He confessed, taking Oikawa by surprise once again. “Though it’s mainly Miya-san who I am asking you to help.”

Oikawa doesn’t know Yamaguchi much, aside from the fact that he is Tsukishima’s best friend; thus Oikawa had gotten to know him little by little every time he spoke to Tsukishima on the phone. Miya— well, if anything, thanks to Hinata, he knows at least something about the other Miya (setter, good serves, rival’s Oikawa when it comes to teasing Kageyama). In fact, Oikawa is almost surprised to hear Yamaguchi’s soulmate is Miya… Osamu? He is sure Tsukishima mentioned it once though the memory escapes him. (He is also sure that Miya Osamu is a name that probably goes hand in hand with Suna Rintarou and the term friends, but he doesn’t want to think about that.)

“Why would Miya-san need my help?” Oikawa asked unaware of the turmoil that was coming with the response. 

Tsukishima hesitated before speaking again, but Oikawa knows it's probably because he was just trying to figure out the best way to tell Oikawa without triggering a breakdown. It’s not like Oikawa is prone to them, but sometimes… sometimes just talking about it— about soulmates, his father, the unbalance— pushes Oikawa to the darkest parts of his mind. Those parts always harden his heart. They always bring a bitter taste to his mouth alongside an unexplainable desire to feel pain in ways that will translate through the bond with indignation and resentment.

“Miya-san shares a dream bond with Tadashi.” Tsukishima had said. “And after four years of finding each other and no longer dreaming; his dreams have started again.”

If Oikawa had known what he was going to be ambushed with, he would have readily declined the request for help.

Oikawa can’t find words to speak so Tsukishima fills the silence with a full explanation. Oikawa pays close attention, making connections while he tries to keep his beating heart in check. Yamaguchi and Miya share a dream bond. (Like Oikawa’s parents.) They stopped dreaming the moment they figured out they were soulmates. (Like Oikawa’s parents.) Four years later, Miya began dreaming again. (Like Oikawa’s father.) Yamaguchi doesn’t dream. (Like Oikawa’s mother.) It’s an unbalanced bond. 

It’s all so painfully familiar that Oikawa is ready to take back his promise to help. He is ready to refuse, to argue, to demand an apology from Tsukishima because, because— how dare he? Why would Oikawa— why is he even— 

But Oikawa’s indignation and anger quickly fade with a simple reminder. In his letter, his father wrote;

“I was incapable of finding someone to rely on. My dreams were a burden to my wife, to my children, and to myself. My doctors couldn’t understand… I couldn’t believe the words of my friends. I couldn’t find solace in their support. Every time I slept I felt like I was breaking apart my marriage. I became unbalanced, incapable of understanding why this was happening to me. Why was I dreaming once again, and why wasn’t my wife there? I felt broken… If only, if only there was someone out there…”

Guilt is an emotion Oikawa often finds himself feeling and with the words of his father easily playing in his head, guilt is all he feels as he bites his tongue, hands formed into fists while he lets the information sink completely for him to find the courage to speak. 

“I’ll try my best.” Oikawa said eventually, head inclined in defeat but also determination. 

If Oikawa were to make a list of his biggest regrets in life, the very first thing on it would be not being there for his father. Oikawa was young, barely in middle school when his father sank so deep into depression he ended up taking his own life, but even so, upon reflection he always feels like he could have done something. 

And now. Now that a case similar to his father’s has presented itself… how can Oikawa turn his back away from this?

He makes it to Tokyo by noon, his trip taking a little over six hours because Oikawa managed to get lost two times when he got distracted with his thoughts. The first thing he does is drive straight to a coffee shop. He orders the sweetest caffeinated drink he sees on the menu before he sits down on one of the tables and pulls out his phone. 

He has a message from Tsukishima (Oikawa-san, Suna stole my mate gourd. Can you give me a new one.) from Matsukawa and Hanamaki (next time we go out, you are drinking!) and even Hinata, (Are you coming to visit me soon? Please come! I miss you!). 

He replies to all his friends and then opens up the email of his Japanese specialist that also happens to be the doctor that looked after his father. He got the email yesterday, after quickly messaging him after his talk with Tsukishima. His specialist has always been kind to his entire family and Oikawa is honestly thankful for his efforts, especially with the burden it must be to deal with his unbalanced bond. 

The email has four files attached. The first two files are focused on his parent’s bond while the third one is a detailed study on his father’s unbalance bond and the fourth a detailed study on some of his last few dreams. He is not sure of what exactly he should expect from the upcoming meeting with Miya, or much less how Oikawa could be of help but… but just in case, he wanted to be prepared. 

Tsukishima was clear in stating that Miya himself was probably unsure of what Oikawa could do to help, especially when he didn’t exactly know what the problem in all this was. According to Tsukishima, Miya’s dreams weren’t causing him confusion or depression. (Even Yamaguchi, after finding out about them, wasn’t all that concerned. Oikawa is not sure if he believes that, specially when he thinks back to his mother and how much she had cried those months before his father’s death.) Though Miya was concerned about something. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what that something could be, specially when in one of the files in the email, Oikawa’s specialist had written a similar hypothesis.

Oikawa leaves the coffee shop with thoughts on the possibility of Miya having another soulmate. He has been avoiding thinking too much about it, considering the topic hits too close to home. He avoided bringing it up with Tsukishima all together, in fear of the conversation turning to his own bond. If that had been the case, the guilt he felt due to his incompetence when it came to his father would have quickly changed to guilt he feels because of them.

Bokuto Koutarou. Ushijima Wakatoshi. Oikawa pushes their names clear from his head. 

He gets back in the car, putting his phone to charge just as a message from Iwaizumi comes in. (Home with Keiji). Oikawa smiles, glad to hear his best friend managed to make it back to Japan in one piece before he is reminded of the fact that Iwaizumi is back, and unlike him, he is here to stay—to start his life in Japan, to follow his dream, to make something out of his degree, to be by his soulmate’s side. 

Oikawa’s hand’s grip the steering wheel tightly, composing himself before he begins to drive, this time with a small pop-up restaurant as his destination. 

Onigiri Miya is in Tokyo for two weeks. The restaurant is located in a very popular street so it’s no surprise that there is a line to get in. Oikawa has also heard from some people (Akaashi and Hinata) that Onigiri Miya has five-star-level onigiri, so maybe Oikawa will give the owner some credit and accept the line is there for a reason other than its location. 

Oikawa thinks about skipping the line, he has after all an appointment of sorts with the owner, but the clients that are lined up seem very intimidating, and after checking his watch and verifying he is a bit early, he goes to line up. He is out there for fifteen minutes, trying to figure out how the rest of the day is going to go, before he finally makes it to the front. 

When he opens the door he is surprised to see just how big it is inside. For a pop-up store, the set up is impressive. The decor adds to the exclusive feeling Oikawa gets from looking at the menu and the displayed dishes behind the tall window by the counter. He stares around for a few seconds before he is called over to the counter, where five different serves work hard to take orders. 

The server behind the counter that goes to help Oikawa asks for his order and Oikawa’s mind blanks for a second before he manages to explain he is just looking for the owner. The server stares at him with a bemused expression, his head tilts to the side and Oikawa tries his hardest to not focus too much on his black and white hair as he studies Oikawa. “Oikawa-san?” The server finally says and Oikawa blinks at him in confusion for being recognized. 

“Yes?” He says, positive that the man in front of him is not Miya Osamu. 

“Ah.” The server hums, “follow me.” Oikawa nods, wordlessly following the server until he finds himself sitting in a small private room past the kitchen. “Osamu is just dealing with a small problem, I’ll let him know you are here and he will be with you shortly—“

The words of the server get cut off with the door to the room slamming open and a person walking in, talking carelessly. “Kita, I’m headin’ out! I’m takin’ a box or two for the team— oh. Who’s this?”

The back of Oikawa’s neck hairs stand up the moment he meets large hooded eyes. “Atsumu.” ‘Kita’ says. “It’s polite to introduce yourself first.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Miya Atsumu says but from his tone and from what Oikawa knows, he is sure he hardly means that. “Hey, I’m Miya Atsumu.” He says. “You must be Bokkun’s other shitty soulmate.”

“Atsumu.” This time it’s not Kita who calls out the setter’s name in warning. Oikawa’s eyes glance to see a new individual walking inside the room. If he was feeling uncomfortable before, the new person’s entrance definitely further intensifies those feelings. Just like Atsumu, the new person is someone Oikawa recognizes because they play on the same team as Bok—Hinata.

“Omi-Omi, you think I’m gonna miss the chance to—“

“Don’t meddle.” Sakusa cuts him off. 

Atsumu scoffs. “That’s so unfair. You got to talk to Ushijima.”

“That’s because Wakatoshi is my friend.” Wakatoshi. Oikawa’s heart clenches, finding it difficult to understand how Sakusa can freely use his given name. (His mind also starts screaming questions; how do you know him? How close are you? What do you mean talk— he buries them before he can think of possible answers.)

“What a scam.” Atsumu huffs, eyes looking Oikawa up and down before he shrugs and turns back to face Kita. “Like I said, I’m taking a box or two.”

“Make sure you pay for them.” A new voice speaks up and Oikawa focuses his attention back to the door, where Sakusa steps aside to let an identical copy of the man sending him daggers through his glare. “Kita-san, charge him double.”

Atsumu curses at his brother but nonetheless lets Kita lead them out the room. Sakusa leaves without a glance Oikawa’s way while Atsumu makes sure to glare at him one more time before he puts his chin up and walks away. Kita offers Oikawa a head tilt before closing the door behind him. 

Oikawa feels like he can finally breathe a little. Of course that’s short lived since the reason he is here in the first place is reason enough to take all the oxygen from his lungs. 

Osamu introduces himself politely, excusing his brother’s behaviour and waiting for Oikawa to introduce himself. Then Osamu takes the time to thank him for coming all the way to see him and he offers Oikawa food and a drink before he sits down with him to have the much dreaded conversation. 

Osamu starts talking first; giving Oikawa similar information from what Tsukishima had previously shared. He then adds a more personal opinion and Oikawa pays close attention, trying to see if he can find a common ground between Osamu’s emotions and his father’s words. In all, though the situation is similar, Oikawa can accept that Osamu and his father share very different emotions over the situation.

“I was wondering if you could help me confirm a theory.” Osamu eventually says and Oikawa can already see in his eyes what he wants to ask. “My dreams, they led me to Tadashi. If I am dreaming again…am I being led to someone else?”

Oikawa bites his lips, preventing himself from responding automatically. Instead, he considers his words before saying them; thinking throughly on the benefits of sharing something personal with someone that he has just met. Though he feels tricked into this situation, Oikawa does want to help. Oikawa wants to be honest and transparent. He wants Osamu to know all the facts because— 

“It killed my father.” Oikawa ends up telling him. “Eventually, I think the guilt was too much.”

“I don’t feel guilty.” Osamu says, not calling Oikawa out on the abrupt confession. “But I wont stand still and refuse to see the problem.” He inhales. “Tadashi is my soulmate, of that I’m sure.” Oikawa nods and Osamu takes a second before adding; “but I think perhaps, there is someone else out there.” 

Yes. Oikawa finds himself thinking. Probably. That was always a theory that circled Oikawa’s head, before looking through the specialist’s papers and specially after reading his fathers letter. What if he had another soulmate? What if the dreams started again because ‘Fate’ thought Oikawa’s mother wasn’t enough. After all, she never had another dream.

It wasn’t a poly-bond. 

“I think my father thoughts so too.” Oikawa says, trusting the vulnerability in Osamu’s eyes. “I think he couldn’t live with the knowledge of having someone else. Someone that my mom obviously didn’t have a bond with.” Oikawa swallows. “Does Yamaguchi…” He trails off unsure of how to word the question.

Osamu thankfully understands. “He doesn’t dream, not since we called out our names.” There is a moment of silence as Osamu leans back against his chair. 

Oikawa takes a moment to collect his own thoughts, his eyes focused on his empty plate in front of him. After a beat, his mind finally organizes the right words and he is speaking before he can second guess himself. “It’s fucked up, isn’t it?” Oikawa says. “That there is no answer for this. That no matter what tests you take, what research you seek— there is no answers. The world believes in fate and destiny and everyone puts their trust in an unknown source that apparently finds ways of tying people together. But there are so many flaws. How do you know if your bond is what it appears? How do you know if you have more than one soulmate? How can you trust anything when bonds change. When one day you just woke up and started dreaming— as if the universe is telling you Yamaguchi is not enough.” 

Oikawa breathes out, trying to look back at how distraught his father appeared the last few days of his life. He also thinks about his mother, always standing to the side, incapable of doing anything to make things right. How cruel, he thinks of fate. 

“I don’t see it that way.” Osamu speaks up, taking Oikawa from his mind. “It’s true that the soulmate concept holds many unanswered questions. Different bonds continue to appear and with no guide book or no way of truly knowin’ how this is all even possible... I can see why you choose to resent it.” Osamu looks down to his hands that are placed on top of the table. He sighs. “It’s not that I have an unshakable faith in the concept. 

These are the cards we were dealt with. This is the reality we live in. Wether we like it or not, somehow, someway, fate picks and guides us to someone meant for us. I cherish my bond. I still remember my first dream with Tadashi. I still remember the first time I called out his name and held his hand, knowing he was mine.” 

Oikawa’s hand curl into fist. He thinks back to a game in middle school. To Ushijima’s spikes. To a pulsing pain on his left hand that would sometimes come, to a gut clenching pain that would occasionally spread through his body, reminding him of the unbalance. Reminding him that he is broken. “Even with this— this unbalance,” Osamu is saying, “I don’t think I could ever forget that. My dreams took me to Tadashi, but make no mistake Oikawa, I choose to be by his side.” He declares and Oikawa can almost close his eyes and picture Osamu next to Yamaguchi while Oikawa maintains his distance from two looming figures. “We are still human. We still get to make choices.”

There is a pause and Oikawa meets Osamu’s eyes to watch the hesitation behind them. “Yer father made a choice.” Miya finally states and Oikawa knows that, he knows all that but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to hear it, from a stranger no less. “And yer mother made a choice.” Osamu’s words travel through his blood and into his heart. A choice to live. To carry on. He thinks, the pressure in his chest getting stronger. 

“And now you are makin’ your choices. If you die tomorrow, maybe then can you go to the afterlife and claim you won. That fate was wrong. That you rejected yer bond—them.” Osamu states, the intensity of his eyes keeping Oikawa from objecting, from trying to find a way to get him to stop talking.

I know this. I know all this. This isn’t new information. “None of that changes the fact that if I were to punch ya right now, two other people would feel it. It doesn’t change the years of pain. It doesn’t change the fact that all this time, while ya claimed to be runnin’ away, refusin’ to let the unknown dictate yer life, you’ve been making choices for them. Cuz fate has tied yer lives together and you care.”

Oikawa realizes then, that the conversation has strained far from Osamu’s bond and wether or not his dreams mean he has a poly bond. The conversation is hardly even focused on the similarities between Osamu’s situation and his fathers’, So why is Oikawa’s heart beating so fast? Why does his chest feel like it’s about to explode? Why does it feel like his life is being turned upside down with information he already knew?

“So think about this, are ya really running away from fate, or are you playing right into it? You fear your bond.” Osamu states and Oikawa hates that his words ring truth. Fear doesn’t even come close to it. “But beyond that, you fear that maybe besides them, the fear will disappear.” No. Oikawa wants to scream out but the words are stuck in his throat. “Ya think I’m not scared? Closing my eyes and dreaming— I don’t see anyone in my dream, not like I used to see Tadashi. But I feel something. I feel a missing piece—“

“It’s not a poly-bond.” Oikawa finally finds the words to speak, specially now that the conversation is going back to focus on Osamu. “If Yamaguchi is not dreaming then it can’t be a poly-bond.”

“We can’t be sure.” Osamu says and Oikawa closes his eyes, visualizing his fathers words from his letter. “…I think it’s something greater. When I smell the lavender in my dreams, I feel at peace. But then I wake up and remember. I tell my wife but she can’t handle the smell of lavender— it makes her sick. I can’t find a connection, no matter how hard I try…” 

“What if there is someone else.” Oikawa says. “And your dreams lead you to them. What if it’s another bond. It wouldn’t include Yamaguchi. It wouldn’t be a poly-bond.” He stresses. “Then what? Who do you choose?”

“What Fate chose.” Osamu responds and Oikawa feels every bit of patience run out. How can he say that? How can he claim that after saying he is making a constant choice to be by Yamaguchi's side? Why wont anyone understand what Oikawa is trying to tell them!?

“I can’t live accepting it’s all about destiny!” Oikawa snaps. “Fated inevitable bonds— that can’t be the only defence for this fucked up concept!” He stands from his seat then, the air in the room getting thicker as Oikawa tries to gain control over his palpitations. 

Osamu stands up soon after, his eyes ablaze with a determination that almost has Oikawa taking a step back. “Is there any part of you that doubts Ushijima and Bokuto are yer soulmates?” 

Oikawa’s heart twists at the question. No. Is the answer but Oikawa doesn’t say it. Instead he excuses himself, bowing his head before he makes a hasty escape. Osamu doesn’t try to stop him. 

No. I don’t doubt my bond. Oikawa reflects, his hands shaking as he grips the steering wheel, his eyes occasionally blurring as he speeds past a few stop signs. I know what Fate is telling me.

“But why.” He says out loud when he finally makes it to his destination. “Why do I have to accept it?”

Oikawa inhales deeply, rubbing his eyes to get rid of whatever tears have accumulated. He exits his car and pulls out his phone. He verifies the address he has saved in his notes under ‘Akaashi Keiji’ and mentally agrees with himself that Iwaizumi will forgive him for dropping in like this. They weren’t scheduled to meet up until tomorrow evening but Oikawa really needs his friend right now. 

He pockets his phone and hurries up the stairs of Akaashi’s complex. Once he stands outside his door, Oikawa extends out his hand, regretting the force and desperation behind his knock. Bits and pieces of everything Osamu told him play in his head and Oikawa closes his eyes to try to keep all those thoughts contained. 

After a few seconds he hears the lock being fiddled with from the other side of the door and Oikawa inhales, opening his eyes with an apology at the tip of his tongue while the door is swung open. 

His words quickly get stuck in his throat. 

“You are not Keiji.” Is the first thing he hears but Oikawa barely registers those words, his entire being completely trapped by golden-like eyes. You’re not Akaashi. Oikawa thinks. Or Hajime. Alongside those thoughts Oikawa also confirms that he is definitely in the rights place and that even though the person in front of him is not someone he has faced before or much less interacted with— Oikawa knows well who he is. 

Oikawa stands there frozen, horrified even as one of the reasons for his current state stands in front of him, eyes examining him as they quickly come to realize the full extent of what’s happening. “I—uh, no.” Oikawa stutters, somehow finding the words as Bokuto takes a step forward, eyes now wide and filled with recognition. “Sorry.” And then Oikawa is taking a step back, ready to run away because he can’t do this. Not now. This can’t be happening. I can’t—

A strong hand quickly grabs onto his elbow, keeping him in place before he can fully turn away. “Wait.” Bokuto says and Oikawa goes rigid. He turns and faces him, eyes wide with desperation as Bokuto seems to collect himself, licking his lips before he is opening his mouth to speak. “I just—“

Oikawa suddenly freezes. His arm goes limp and Bokuto cuts himself off but even then it wouldn’t have mattered because the ringing in Oikawa’s ears starts without notice and suddenly Oikawa is doubling over. “Wait!” Bokuto exclaims, his grip tightening while Oikawa manages to go on his knees just as the pain that started from his gut begins to spread throughout his body. “Are you—“

Oikawa gasps, closing his eyes tightly while somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks;

This isn’t normal.

It’s never this bad. 

What did you do—

Oikawa breathes out. “I can’t—“

“Hey! Hey, what’s going on?” Oikawa thinks he hears Bokuto shout. The ringing is still overtaking his hearing and the pain that now seems pulse through his lungs is too distracting for Oikawa to fully focus on his words. Oikawa gasps, opening his eyes when he feels a hand on his cheek and then his face is being lifted and once again, golden-like eyes— “You’re okay.” He thinks he hears. “It’s okay.” It’s not okay. Oikawa thinks, the pain now spread evenly across his chest. “It’s okay.”

Through the blurriness of his vision, Oikawa somehow manages to catch the sweat on his soulmate’s forehead. “Just breathe.” He then hears and Oikawa catches the tremble behind those words. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He hears the strain in his voice and wonders, for just a second, if Bokuto is really feeling the pain Oikawa is experiencing. “I’ve got you.” He hears just as his head begins to pound and his vision starts going back. Oikawa feels strong arms wrap around his body as the last three words continue to echo in his ear right before he loses consciousness. 

He wakes up thinking about the words his mother spoke at his father’s funeral, but before he can really ponder over them, he hears shouting.

“Keiji! He is my soulmate! I have a right to know!”

“Bokuto-san, please.”

Bokuto. Oikawa’s mind becomes alert as he remembers everything that transpired. His eyes widen and he instantly sits up. He takes in his surroundings, looking around what is probably Akaashi’s room before his eyes fall to the closed door, from where the shouting is coming from.

“You can’t just ask me to walk away! You can’t expect me to just—I can’t just— What am I suppose to do? Why is he— what—” Bokuto cuts himself off and Oikawa strains his ears to hear what Akaashi has to say in response. 

 “Please. This isn’t something you should concern yourself with.” Oikawa is surprised with the response. The logical part of him happy to hear Akaashi say that while something else inside him feels wounded. 

“What do you mean it’s not something I should concern myself with, Keiji! He is my soulmate.”

Oikawa feels the air leave his lungs. 

“What about Ushijima-san?” Akaashi asks abruptly and Oikawa tries to swallow down the bitter taste in his mouth. He dreads whatever response is to come.

“He is mine too.” Bokuto ends up snarling. “This isn’t something that ends with choosing. It’s not either of them. It’s both.”

How? Oikawa wants to ask, his eyes beginning to feel heavy. How do you sound so confident. How can you claim that? How are you real?

“Koutarou.” Akaashi calls out and Oikawa recognizes defeat in his tone. “I wont stop you, but…” Oikawa tenses, not sure if he is ready to face any of this. “I don’t think you should see Oikawa-san right now.”

I want to see him. Oikawa finds himself thinking before he can filter his mind. He goes numb at that realization. 

“I—I understand. I… just call me. If he needs anything.” Oikawa curls into himself, pulling his knees to his chest. “He is okay, right? Earlier I felt— it was suffocating. I don’t want him to think I…” 

Oikawa doesn’t manage to hear the next bit, his mind going back to what he woke up thinking about: his mother, standing tall in front of all her family and friends. Her arms wrapped tightly around a picture of his father. “I stand here wondering why I wasn’t enough for you to make the choice you made. When all I ever wanted you to know was that you were enough for me and I will choose to live for the both us.”

-o-

Ushijima locks his phone after reading over the email from his coach one last time. The email was a bit of a surprise, but Ushijima reasons it makes sense considering his coach only knew bits and pieces of the situation. 

‘Updated Roster’ is the title of email while its content consists of a short introduction from his coach before a sheepish apology and then a tentative warning, telling Ushijima that Bokuto Koutarou will now be called to represent Japan in the upcoming International matches and that whatever personal issues he has with the wing spiker, he hopes he settles them. Ushijima spends the next thirty minutes trying to figure out what exactly coach Fuki has heard and how concerned Ushijima and Bokuto should be in their upcoming practices. 

It’s after he decides to put his worries to rest that he finally takes in the most important piece of information from that email. A smile quickly overcomes his features as he thinks about how excited Bokuto will be when he receives the news. Ushijima himself can feel his blood flow with excitement and anticipation. 

He is eager to stand on the same side of the court as his soulmate. He is ready to get to call him a teammate aside from everything else (soulmate, partner, mine) and to rely on him, like he does everyone else on the team. He is ready to see Bokuto as an ally, rather than an opponent and—

Ushijima suddenly finds himself thinking about high school. 

He closes his eyes and he sees Oikawa’s face. He sees Oikawa from the other side of the net. He sees his passion, his eyes filled with hunger. Ushijima shivers, remembering the intensity of every match. Remembering chasing the sting of a spike with every jump that he committed to in hopes that Oikawa would notice, would see that they are equals. Fate. Ushijima thinks, incapable of finding another reason behind the path his life took.

Those thoughts can quickly turn darker, so Ushijima pushes Oikawa to the back of his head and instead tries to focus on Bokuto. 

Their relationship has improved greatly these past few days. After their first dinner they’ve only met up three more times, each time the conversation between them coming out smoother, the air around them becoming thinner— Ushijima’s own heart, fondly beating to the sound of Bokuto’s laugher.  

And when they are not meeting up, they are finding other ways to communicate. They text, sometimes call. Somehow Ushijima always knows what Bokuto is doing and even when Ushijima is with his team, practicing, he keeps Bokuto in his thoughts. Reflecting on his stories, trying to decipher every bit of information about Bokuto available to him. There is a lot of missed time and Ushijima takes the blame for that but Bokuto doesn’t blame him. Instead, he claims to understand. He claims that perhaps the time was necessary and Ushijima can perhaps later learn to accept that, but for now, he just wants to make up for lost time. 

He wants for Bokuto to never doubt his emotions. He wants his feelings to come out clear and Ushijima wants for Bokuto to be able to claim him as his soulmate without hesitation; without ever questioning Ushijima’s intentions. 

Ushijima often finds himself getting goosebumps at the thought of his soulmate. It’s insane how in a little over two weeks and his mind is almost entirely consumed by thoughts of him. Quite honestly, its mostly because Bokuto has him enamoured. 

With how he is, how passionate, forgiving, accepting. With the way he listens to Ushijima, his undivided attention always so breathtaking. Ushijima doesn’t think he has ever felt the way Bokuto makes him feel throughout his life. 

Even with Oikawa… what he felt was never like this. It could have been. So easily, if Ushijima didn’t let Oikawa’s words affect him, if he didn’t give up without ever truly trying—

A sudden knock on his door interrupts Ushijima from his thoughts. He blinks, looking over to the time as the knocking comes again. He is not expecting anyone but there have been times when random teammates surprise him with a visit. He looks through the security system by his door, pressing the buttons of the device until the video footage of the other side of his door shows and Ushijima has to blink a few times to make sure his vision isn’t deceiving him. 

Kageyama coming late at night is not a rare occurrence so he really did expect to see his setter. Hoshiumi is also someone that visits often, mostly to steal his food, but even his face would have been a welcomed sight. 

Not to say that Ushijima isn’t extremely happy to see Bokuto stand outside his home. He just hardly expected his soulmate here, even though he knows he was in Tokyo for the weekend. Ushijima unlocks his door, a smile playing on his lip as he pulls the door open. 

Ushijima doesn’t expect to see Bokuto panting heavily, disdain clear in his expression. 

“What’s wrong?” Ushijima asks, just barely restraining himself from reaching out to Bokuto and holding him in his arms. It’s too soon. He thinks as Bokuto seems to collect himself. He is probably cold, Ushijima then notices, catching goosebumps on his bare arms. “Where’s your jacket?” Ushijima asks but Bokuto doesn’t respond. 

Instead their eyes meet and Bokuto declares; “Oikawa is back.” Ushijima feels like he has been sprayed with cold water. “He is here, in Japan.” Ushijima’s heartbeat quickens, thoughts of fate and time quickly circling his head. “I saw him.” Wait, What? 

“There’s something— something is not right. He seemed upset about something. I saw him and I just wanted to speak to him. He tried to leave and I— I reached out for him and he just started hyperventilating and then, I started feeling this pressure on my chest but— this pain, it’s not something I’ve felt before. And I couldn’t do anything. He collapsed and I.“ Bokuto breathes in. “I carried him inside and I just— I don’t understand. What’s wrong? A pain like that— for him to pass out. I should have felt more.” Bokuto reflects, his hands fighting the desire to shake while Ushijima himself tries to make sense of the situation. “Why— was it me? Do you think I caused that?” 

Ushijima’s heart stirs at the sadness in Bokuto’s voice. “No.” He declares firmly, finally allowing himself to extend his hands towards Bokuto. He places a hand on his face, making sure their eyes are locked as he affirms that it couldn’t have been Bokuto’s doing. 

“Then I just don’t understand.” Bokuto exhales. “I feel so useless— I couldn’t do anything. Why—“ 

“Koutarou.” Ushijima cuts him off. “Don’t.” Bokuto’s wide eyes focus on him, his mouth closing at the sound of his given name. Ushijima’s hand moves without his control, his thumb grazing his lip while his finger tenderly brush the back of his head. 

He feels the moment Bokuto gasps, letting out air that tickles his thumb. 

Ushijima is ready to assure him. He doesn’t want Bokuto to think that whatever happened is his fault. It’s not like he even knows what happened or who’s fault it was. It’s not like he can even bring himself to understand the possibilities. 

But right now, all he knows is that Bokuto is here, seeking his comfort and Ushijima— Ushijima is surprised by the quick switch in Bokuto’s eyes and then suddenly he is leaning in, taking Ushijima’s lips with his own while he simultaneously wraps his arms around Ushijima. 

Bokuto hungrily kisses him and Ushijima instantly feels the desire to match his desperate attempt to feel every inch of his mouth. His kisses back with vigour. He has an arm wrapped around his waist while the other hand is still holding his face. Bokuto himself has managed to place one of his hands at the back of Ushijima’s head while the other tightly grips his shirt, pulling him closer. 

“Wakatoshi.” He thinks he hears Bokuto say just as Ushijima finds the strength to move them inside his apartment. He closes the door behind him, not once letting go of Bokuto’s lips. His heart beating with cries of Bokuto, too soon, Koutarou, mine, wait—

Oikawa. Ushijima thinks, his heart pounding as he feels himself mouth his name. 

Bokuto responds by melting into the kiss.