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it is late that night when Jesus finally returns from the garden. by then, the disciples have gone to bed, content to speak to Jesus in the morning. judas, of course, stays awake, dutifully waiting for Him to return. finally, at half past two, He enters, sliding into bed with all the care and gentleness He's known to possess. He gives judas a tender and comforting smile, the kind that eases peter's fears and melts john's heart.
judas, though, sees through it.
"my Lord?"
Jesus turns to him, features too worn for judas' liking. he hesitates, still, before continuing.
"I believe it's too late to draw a bath, without fear of waking the others, or I would think to wash Your feet."
"I'd agree." Jesus says it firmly, and most would take that as an end to the conversation, bid Him goodnight, and sleep with no fear in their hearts. judas, though, is unlike most. mary is often telling him it will be his downfall, but then, it is what Jesus admires so about him. how could such a thing possibly be one's downfall?
"too late for that, then. but... but, if it may please You, I could run my hands through Your hair?"
Jesus grabs his hands, face falling into desperation. "would you?"
judas sits forward, wrapping Jesus in his arms and massaging His scalp, ever so gently. Jesus melts into him, and judas breathes, content to have calmed Him for even a moment.
"Jesus?"
"judas?"
"was Your Father of assistance? did He assure You?" he thinks, looking at Jesus, he knows the answer, but he prays he is wrong.
"I suppose, My disciple, it would depend on your definition of assistance."
"oh."
Jesus sighs heavily, deflating, and judas moves down from His hair to His shoulders, continuing to rub in a steady rhythm.
"you know why I spent so long in prayer this evening?"
judas frowns, just slightly. "our world is beginning to corrupt itself, Lord. they ignore Your teachings, look at You with weary eyes, spit in Your face."
"yes."
"and You hoped Your Father would give you guidance, as fathers often do."
"yes..."
"and did he, Jesus? are You now at ease?"
He lets out a breathy laugh, hollow and sad, and in moments like these, the moments shared with no one but him, judas remembers that their Saviour is still practically a child.
"He gave Me guidance, judas. He told Me what must be done. but I am so very far from eased."
Jesus bends away, and judas' hands still, taking it as Jesus pulling away from his touch. but then, after a moment, His hands go to His face, and judas can just make out the sound of sobs.
hurriedly, judas pulls Him close, mumbling uncertain reassurances into His ear.
"how weak you must see Me as, My disciple."
"never, Lord. never."
"and yet, so you should."
he continues to hold Him, electing not to reply. after another moment or so, Jesus quiets, relaxing into judas' hold eagerly.
"they have sinned greatly, judas."
"all of us have."
"yes. and My Father is not pleased. I asked Him what must be done, and He..."
judas nods, thinking he's realized. "He did not have an answer?"
"no, judas. He had an answer. I'm afraid I'm just not fond of it."
"what is it?"
"in order to save the people, a sacrifice must be made. I am that sacrifice."
judas frowns, face flushed with embarrassment. "my Lord, I... my Lord, I don't know what You mean..."
Jesus turns to face him, and judas lets out a soft gasp at the tears streaming down His face. He smiles, a hollow grimace, and gives an empty laugh.
"I'm to die, judas. I am the sacrifice."
judas swallows roughly, full of dread. "what?"
Jesus tilts His head away, and without thought, judas reaches out to cup His cheek and turn Him back.
"surely there is another solution, Jesus!"
"no."
judas can feel his heart burn fiercely, and before he can stop himself, he hisses, "well, He's wrong! what sort of father- He is cruel! You can't let Him do this to You, Teacher! please, I beseech You!"
"judas-"
"You cannot! what will we do, without You? we'll be doomed! and You- You've done nothing wrong, Lord! we are the sinners, let us die! let... let me die, Lord! I can do it in Your stead, it would be my honor!"
"I couldn't let you do that. this burden is mine and mine alone."
judas looks down. "for God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life..."
"God loves the world," Jesus agrees.
"I wish He loved you half as much."
"judas."
"Jesus?"
He smiles sadly. "do you love Me?"
"I- of course, Jesus."
"then would you help Me?"
"of course. anything."
"I loathe to ask you, judas, I do. but then, who can I ask, who can I trust, but you?"
"anything, Jesus," he reassures.
Jesus gives him a gentle, grateful smile before speaking. "now, I know what I must do. only... I'm not so sure I have the strength to do it. He thought a quick affair would be best. peaceful, quiet... alone..."
"I'd never let You die alone, Jesus," he says quickly.
"thank you. but I'm afraid I'm not asking you to be there with Me, judas. I'm asking you to do it."
"do what, Lord?"
He sighs. "judas, do you love Me?"
"of course, Jesus."
"enough to kill Me?"
judas backs away instantly, breathing heavily. "what?"
"I can't do it, My love. I know I'll be going to Heaven, to be in My Father's arms, but I... My Father has made such a beautiful world, and I don't want to leave it. not this place, or its creatures, its buildings, its people... I don't want to leave You, judas."
"I..." tears fill his eyes. "I couldn't kill you, Jesus."
"you won't, not really. these people have been trying to capture me for so long, now. all you have to do is point them My way."
"Jesus..."
"it won't be easy, judas. I won't lie to you, I can't. but it..." He trails off, shaking his head. "how selfish am I. this will destroy you... the stories will not speak fondly of you, My judas. but still... selfish as I am... I pray you'd consider it."
"consider it?" judas ducks his head, feeling himself begin to cry. "consider it done, Lord."
Jesus' eyebrows furrow, disbelieving. "just like that? but judas, they- you must understand, they will hate you!"
"to be hated by all, but loved by You?" judas cups His cheek, and lets out a choked laugh. "My Lord, there is no greater joy."
his laughs turn to sobs, and Jesus sobs along with him. They embrace Each Other, tears trailing together as One clutches the Other close.
"I only ask one thing, my Lord. might I have the privilege of betraying you with a kiss?"
"there would be no lovelier way to leave this Earth, judas. I only worry..."
judas pulls away, just slightly, cupping Jesus' head in his palms. "yes?"
"My Father does not take kindly to betrayal. this way... it is not how He asked it to be done."
"but He will get his way, still."
"yes, but... adam and eve are remembered as sinners... punished for their actions. and when My Father destroyed this world for the first time..." He hesitates.
"Jesus?"
without warning, Jesus grabs judas' hands and clutches them desperately. "Our love... it is the first of its kind to be known, My judas. what if the stories tell Our sort of love as sin?"
judas leans forward, and gives Jesus the gentlest of kisses. Jesus relaxes into it, and after just a moment too long, They seperate. judas gives him a soft smile.
"You alone are going to die for the world's sins, my Lord. but this sin... this sin will be Ours to die for."
"you'd die? for this?"
"I'd loathe to live in a world without You, Jesus."
Jesus looks away, batting away more tears. "they'll never know the kindest parts of you, judas. they won't know of just how much you loved Me. or I, you."
"not every part of Your story ought to be public, Lord. let this part be just for You. for Us."
Jesus sighs shakily.
"I'm going to die with You, Jesus. I won't allow You to be alone."
"and if My Father brings Me back? if it's you who dies alone?"
judas smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "that's just a chance I'll have to take."
Jesus launches forward, ushering judas into a soft, chaste kiss.
"I love you, judas."
"and I, You, Lord."
"even to Our graves?"
"and every moment after, Jesus. and every moment after."