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The scent of food still lingered in the air - roasted vegetables, pork, luscious chocolate cake that hadn’t even lasted thirty minutes against a horde of hungry teenagers. It was hard not to feel a little bad for Haru, whose hard work had been torn apart like a sick sheep thrown to a pack of wolves...but then again, the entire thing had been her decision.
The day had been fun, definitely. It was a little harder now to arrange regular gatherings like they used to, with two of their members in university and the lack of the Thieves as a grounding force that kept a semi-consistent schedule going, but it was certainly nice to see that the entire group could and would come through where it counted. Haru was nineteen now, how could they not? Celebrating and screwing around like a bunch of idiots was kind of their thing at this point. It was important.
Not to mention that wow, her house was enormous. It was doubtful that any of them had seen everything it had to offer, considering the fact that there were enough bedrooms for all of them to claim one for the night. That had been a rather last-minute decision, but an easy one - nobody wanted to go home just yet when they probably wouldn’t see her for a few more weeks at the very least.
But as much as none of them wanted time to pass, it had, and now it was far too late (or too early, depending on what the time actually was) to stay camped out in the living room any longer. They’d all gone off to whichever guest room they’d laid claim to earlier, leaving nothing behind but the dim light of the Tokyo cityscape through the windows and the persistent scent of long-eaten food.
Ryuji was tired, but he couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, definitely not, but thinking about that didn’t help in the slightest. He’d messed around on his phone for a bit, before realizing that the battery was almost dead and he’d forgotten to bring his charger, so that couldn’t occupy him. He more or less resigned himself to endlessly twisting around every few minutes and bouncing his leg against the mattress underneath him, since staying still seemed borderline impossible.
He definitely couldn’t fault the room he was in, though. It was way more comfortable than anything he was used to, with a bed that felt as though it was stuffed with clouds instead of...whatever they usually stuffed mattresses with. No, it was just his own body and brain that were messing with him tonight as they so often liked to. There didn’t need to be any kind of reason for it, of course. Why would there be? He couldn’t recall for the life of him why he was even feeling this way. He rarely could.
Ryuji turned over again, vaguely wondering what time it even was. That stupid nervous energy wouldn’t have cared either way, showing up whenever and wherever it felt like, so whatever, that didn’t matter either. This sucked.
Before he could tangle himself and the bedsheets further into a knot, there was a sudden knock on the door. It wasn’t loud at all, but compared to the relative quiet of the room, it startled him like a freaking gunshot. He sat up, cocking his head towards the direction of the sound, debating whether or not he should actually get up to check it out. It was probably just one of the other members of the group, although why they were knocking on his bedroom door at ass o’clock was still a mystery. And besides, getting up right now felt like a herculean task, with the silk sheets wound tightly around his body and the enduring sense of fatigue settled behind his eyes.
It turned out that he didn’t have to, though, as the door creaked open regardless, seemingly taking his lack of reaction as an invitation. Akira was standing on the other side, the dim light of the hallway behind him making Ryuji squint. He looked hesitant, like some part of him didn’t really want to be there, but the obvious exhaustion written on his face and the way he took a step backwards as if to leave when he saw Ryuji awake and looking at him raised more than a few flags. Ryuji shrugged, patting the edge of the bed next to him, and Akira stalled for a second or two before stepping over the threshold and closing the door behind him.
“Where’s Mona?”
Akira blinked a few times, still just standing there, before he let out a tiny sound that could marginally be classed as a laugh.
“I come in here at four in the morning without saying a single thing and that’s the first thing you ask? He’s with Haru. He’s fine.”
Four in the morning. Shit. Guess he was right about it being late. There was a reason he hadn’t asked why Akira had shown up, though, even if he did wonder what was going on. Seeing him that obviously drawn and tired made at least part of the answer apparent without the need for words.
“You wanna sit down?” Ryuji patted the side of the bed again. “I wasn’t gonna sleep anyway, so if you need somethin’-”
“I’m sorry,” Akira suddenly said. “I’m not trying to keep you up or anything. I almost didn’t come here at all since I didn’t want to bug you.”
“Dude, I was already awake, and I’m bored out of my friggin’ mind here. You comin’ in here is fine. Or better than fine.” Akira still looked hesitant, so Ryuji finished his sentence by taking his wrist and tugging him towards the bed. Giving up, Akira set himself down on the empty space, slumping over with his elbows on his lap. Without the light of the outside to help him see, Ryuji couldn’t tell how he was feeling, but the thickness of the air suggested that whatever it was, it wasn’t anything good.
This kind of mood was all too familiar. There was a short, sudden memory that floated up to the surface of Ryuji’s brain - a year and some time ago, bandages and an ice pack that was always changing places, a poultice for broken ribs, bloodshot eyes from broken capillaries, Akira withdrawing more and more until he was practically an ornament in the corner of the room -
“You, uh...wanna talk about what happened? I mean, I don’t actually know if anything happened, but it kinda looks like somethin’ did.” Then, for good measure, “And I’m not gonna tell if you need help buryin’ a body or somethin’, don’t worry.”
There was a long, drawn-out pause. Akira turned away, facing the wall and crossing his arms loosely over his chest. It was another few seconds before he sighed and spoke again.
“It’s fine. Nothing happened, I was just...thinking. A little too much. I couldn’t sleep either, and I didn’t really know why, but...my brain was just keeping me awake with all of this noise and chatter. I guess I just came here because I couldn’t put up with it any longer.” His voice was a monotone.
“Oof, felt that.” Ryuji leaned back into his pillow. “Not bein’ able to sleep sucks. You know what it was about?” Rich of him to ask, he knew, considering the fact that he couldn’t figure out the same when it came to his own sleepless nights.
Akira didn’t respond. He just turned his head further away, letting out a shaky exhale. It was frustrating, but more than anything else it was concerning. Akira could be quiet, but completely shutting down like this was downright unnerving. Ryuji knew he had some kind of gift for making his normally guarded boyfriend burst into joking and laughter far more often than he did around anyone else, and to see every attempt at getting him to open up fail to land...yeah, something was really wrong here.
“Akira. C’mon. You’re really freakin’ me out right now.” He reached over, setting his hand on Akira’s shoulder and giving him a gentle shake. “You came here to talk to me, right? I’m gonna listen. It’s okay.”
“I hoped you would be asleep,” Akira said simply, after another long pause. “When I came in here. It’s like when you call someone on the phone and some part of you doesn’t want them to pick up. Right now, I keep thinking about getting up and walking out. Going back to bed and leaving you alone.”
“What in the hell are you talkin’ about? You seriously think I’d just be okay if you got up and left after how you’ve been actin’?”
There was another shuddering breath from Akira’s side of the bed. Was he crying? Ryuji wriggled over to where Akira was sitting, only to be stopped by the latter throwing his arm out to block his path. Ryuji’s frustration was growing, but so was that feeling of worry that put a leaden weight in the pit of his stomach.
“I’m...I’m going to go. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” It came out as a croak.
“No the fuck you’re not!” He grabbed Akira’s arm as he tried to stand up, perhaps a little more roughly than intended. “You can go when you tell me what’s goin’ on here. I’m freakin’ terrified right now, man, you’re not gonna fix anything by leaving!”
Another period of tense silence passed, before Akira set himself back down, Ryuji letting him extract his arm from his grip. He turned over, lying down on the bed properly for the first time, but still refused to show Ryuji his face.
“It’s...it’s about my parents,” he murmured. “Earlier this morning, I got a call from them, and...it was the first time in months we’d spoken to each other.”
Ryuji’s breath hitched. He’d barely heard a word about Akira’s family in the time he’d known him, and to be honest, he’d never given them that much thought. Even when taking Akira back to Inaba at the end of second year, they were little more than an afterthought, especially considering the fact that Akira had seemed hell-bent on not letting them and his friends interact in any capacity. And then he was right back to Tokyo a month later, without any problems or word on what had happened while he was back home.
“What’d they say?” Ryuji crept up behind Akira, taking it slow to make sure that he was okay with the physical contact. There was no resistance, so he continued to worm his way towards him until their legs touched.
“It...wasn’t anything. Just telling me that my grandpa wanted to see me for Christmas. That was it.” Akira took another deep breath, sounding as though he was trying desperately to calm himself down. “That’s not anything unusual. They don’t talk to me unless they have to. And they...they never have to.”
“Akira-”
“It was so easy to forget about them when I didn’t have to talk to them. But they called me this morning, and they hung up after thirty seconds, and they didn’t even ask me how I was doing or what was going on. And I don’t know why I expected them to. They’ve never done that. But I was at the party today, and...everything just got worse. I felt happy, but that felt so wrong. I guess I remembered that they were still technically a part of my life, and I just...I just started feeling like I was back home again.”
Ryuji tried to swallow down the growing lump in his throat. What Akira was saying felt so close to home in the most sickening way imaginable. Shit, did every one of his friends have parental issues? What the hell was wrong with people who had kids?
“Kira, what...what did they do? What did they do to you?” He tried his best to keep himself from shaking - from fear, from anger, from despair, from five thousand goddamn things all at once, forming a tidal wave that churned his stomach to an almost painful extent.
“It’s okay, it doesn’t matter-”
“What happened?!” His voice was cracking, try as he might to keep himself calm. “It does matter, y-you’re just lyin’ here gettin’ eaten up by what they did, and this hurts like hell to watch ‘cause you’ve been there for me and I - I wanna take care of you, too.”
He could have sworn he felt Akira tremble next to him. It didn’t sound as though he was crying any more, but his breathing was still labored and uneven, his back heaving slightly with each breath. This was a step in the right direction, right? Akira wasn’t pushing him away any more, so that seemed to be the case.
“I want to tell you.” His voice was hushed. “I do, I really do, but...I don’t think I can. I haven’t done this before. And it’s not...it’s not out of any kind of secrecy. Or anything like that.” He took another inhale. “It’s because - this sounds so stupid of me to say - it’s because I’m scared. Scared that if I...if I make any of this known, or let this out at all, it’s asking too much, and I’m taking advantage of your kindness. And if it ever gets to be too much, when it gets to be too much, no one is going to want to stay. Not you. Not anyone.”
“I won’t leave. There’s no way in hell. You’re seriously one of the best things that ever happened to me, and there’s no way I’m gonna throw that away. You could say whatever you wanted right now and I wouldn’t stop listenin’, cause I know you only say shit when it’s really important.”
“Okay,” Akira said. “Okay. I can tell you about what’s been bothering me. I just...don’t know how to, really. It doesn’t feel right to say it out loud. Half of me wants to, and the other half is recoiling just thinking about it.”
“Don’t worry about it. You don’t gotta tell me any more than you want to. It’s hard, I know it’s hard, especially knowin’ that all this was just - I dunno. Told to you when you were a little kid. I think there’s a word for it.”
“You mean internalized?” There was the faintest hint of a smile in Akira’s voice. “I think so, yeah. Even now, I’m beating myself up over giving in to the urge to tell you everything. All I can hear is my own brain telling me that I don’t deserve it.”
Ryuji waited. The room was silent, aside from the occasional passing of a car from outside and the ringing in his ears. It took a few seconds before Akira adjusted his position, backing up against Ryuji’s chest, pushing them both further towards the wall.
“I wasn’t allowed to need things,” Akira finally said. “Hugs. Time. Help. Anything. If it wasn’t already given to me, it was unnecessary. My parents were always busy with things that were more important. They always told me that.” Ryuji could hear him swallow. “Once I bothered my dad too much when he was doing some paperwork. I was...I don’t know. Eight. Nine. He locked me in my bedroom for almost the entire day. Crying was too annoying for them. If I ever got hurt, they weren’t coming.”
Ryuji grabbed the sheets with his free hand, tight enough that his arm was shaking. He could already feel anger leaking into his chest, but he refused to let it show, forcing himself to keep breathing normally.
“It was so funny. My mom cried all the time.” Akira, too, sounded like he was forcing himself to stay calm. “She was never happy. She drank, and she cried, and she drank again. My dad just didn’t care. He was like a robot. Life was nothing but work to him. They had me because he thought that I would make my mom happy, but…” The rest went unspoken. Ryuji could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
“Akira, did...did they ever hit you?”
“No.” He swallowed again. “They never touched me at all. Hitting me would probably just be a waste of energy.” Then, after another few seconds, “Nothing changed when I was arrested. Or maybe it got worse. Neither of them showed up to the hearing. They didn’t say a single word to me. The only thing they did was pack my stuff and send it. And, when I got back…”
Akira trailed off, seemingly unsure if he should continue. His voice had become flat, hollow, in the time since he’d started talking. He was limp against Ryuji’s front, motionless, as though every second he’d spent talking was sapping his strength.
“You don’t hafta say anything else,” Ryuji whispered. “Shit, you’ve already told me so much. You...you had to deal with all this on top of everythin’ else all last year. You’re so strong, man, but it hurts to think about.”
“I’ll tell you.” Akira curled up a little more, protecting himself from the outside world. “The more I talk, the more I want to. It’s like...I put a crack in a dam. And the crack keeps getting bigger, and more and more water keeps coming out.” Bit of a weird simile, but it did make sense. “The thing is, there was a reason I didn’t want any of you guys to meet my parents. I knew something like this would happen, so I...I kept the mood high by keeping you all out of it. I came home to my mom sitting on the couch. She didn’t say anything to me until I put my bags back in my old room.”
Ryuji could hear his heartbeat again. Fuck. This absolutely did not sound good.
“The...the first thing she asked me. It was if I was happy. If making everything harder for her and my dad was fun for me. If I knew what they’d had to go through because of me. Why I only thought about myself. The money they spent on sending me away. The fact that everyone thought of them as the parents of a delinquent. She didn’t stop talking. I just stood there. I couldn’t talk back to her. Then, she said…” Akira took a deep breath, shaking his head. “She said that everything would have been better if I’d never come back at all. That she wished I had died when I was away.”
There was a huffing wind pushing its way into the window, the light tapping of rain beginning to assert itself. A chill ran through the air. The room was growing cold.
“My dad said nothing to me. Not when he got back home that day, and not after that, either. I hadn’t noticed just how little he talked to us until I got back. I...was used to being talked to after spending that year here. Some part of me didn’t realize that none of what they did was normal until I met everyone here. Until I met you.”
But Akira was warm, so warm. The heat of his body was grounding. It was calming. It was electrifying.
“For the first time, I realized that I needed to escape. And I did. I asked for help. I got strings pulled. I came back. And from here...I think you know the rest.” His voice had become serene, almost, in the time since he’d started talking. “I still remember the look on your face when I surprised you at the Shujin gates that morning. It was the best ‘welcome-back’ present that I could have asked for.” Another pause, then a hushed, unguarded, “Thank you.”
Ryuji acted on impulse. He reached over, pulling Akira onto his other side, then before the latter could react, covered his mouth with a quick, needy kiss. It hardly lasted a second, but he could already feel Akira’s fingers bunching up the back of his shirt. They lay frozen, foreheads resting together, both of their breaths audibly shaking. Ryuji had Akira in a vice grip, almost desperately holding onto him. He didn’t say anything. There was nothing to be said.
The rain was pounding against the window. The sparse streetlights offered a soft, gentle glow through the glass, lighting up Akira’s face from where he was lying. He looked so peaceful and content now, the smallest of smiles on his lips and his eyelashes casting feather shadows on his cheeks. It was the first time since he’d come into the room that Ryuji could see his face properly. To be honest, it was incredibly rewarding.
The air was quiet for some time, still and cool except for the small hums and lazy kisses that punctuated the silence. Unsurprisingly, it was Ryuji who finally broke it, with a single question.
“Can I tell you somethin’?”
Akira nodded, looking intently at him through heavy eyelids.
“Okay, uh...I don’t think I’m as good at tellin’ stories as you are, but you reminded me of some stuff that happened forever ago. And if you wanna listen, you can, I just figured...y’know. I’d open myself up a bit too. Make us even, or somethin’ like that.”
“Ryu, c’mon, you don’t have to-”
“I know I don’t hafta. You didn’t, either. I just remembered this, and it doesn’t seem like there’s gonna be a better chance than now to get it out, so…”
“Alright,” Akira said. “I understand. I’ll listen.”
“Okay, so.” Ryuji didn’t really know how to start a story, he supposed, but then again, it was four-something in the morning and they were both kind of sloppy and undone at this point. “This was...a while ago, like I said. I was a kid. Younger ‘n ten, maybe? I dunno, I don’t remember a whole lot from back then. Therapist said that was normal, so...guess it makes sense.”
Akira seemed to preemptively snuggle closer, pushing his head into the crook of Ryuji’s neck. Ryuji supposed that he knew he’d need it.
“Anyway, I was real little. And somethin’ happened with my old man at work, I dunno what it was, but Ma got an angry phone call right after I got back from school. She got those a lot, but this one was...real bad. It must’ve been, ‘cause when I got inside, she wrote up a list real quick and gave it to me. Sent me out to get some stuff at the store.” The grin on his face faltered and he looked away before muttering, “It wasn’t about the groceries. We both knew that.”
“God, I’m...I can’t even say how sorry I am.” Akira’s fingers ghosted up Ryuji’s back, lingering around the base of his neck. “Please tell me you were okay.”
“I guess. I didn’t get beat, if that’s what you’re askin’. But that ain’t the bad part, actually.” He shut his eyes, trying to steel himself for the rest of the story. “The thing is, uh...I didn’t go to the store. I went out like Ma told me to, but I didn’t go very far. I think I knew exactly what was goin’ on, and I...I thought about some stuff. Like, how if I wasn’t around, she could leave him. If I wasn’t around, she wouldn’t hafta deal with all of the bullshit that was my fault. And I...stood on the sidewalk for, like, twenty minutes. I saw all the cars, and I just thought about how much easier everythin’ would be if I walked in front of one of ‘em.”
That was it. That was the wham line, the sentence that broke the feeling of tranquility in the room entirely. Akira pulled back, suddenly, his face pained, anguished. He just looked at Ryuji for a second, his gaze not wavering, then cupped his face and let out a choked sort of noise that wasn’t readily identifiable.
“Yeah, that’s…” Ryuji sighed, heavy and tired. “It’s really screwed up. I was a kid. And that for sure wasn’t the last time it happened. I dunno if it was the first, either.” He kept his gaze focused on the duvet pushed down to the end of the bed. He didn’t make direct eye contact, not entirely comfortable with what he might see. “I used to think that everybody thought about dyin’. People told me that I was just bein’ dramatic or a bratty kid, and...I believed ‘em. Took me a really long time to realize how fucked all of it was. Is. Hell, even after I figured that out, I still think sometimes...maybe that little kid me was right.”
“I’m so sorry,” Akira said, abruptly. “When we were sixteen, I didn’t do as much as I should have. I didn’t say a thing in your defense because I thought it was a given that you meant the world to me. I was an idiot who didn’t know how to express his own feelings, and I was scared to open up because I thought I’d get hurt, somehow, and...you suffered because of it.”
“C’mon, you just...no. No. You can’t blame yourself for this.” Ryuji settled his hands onto Akira’s shoulders again, looking up to meet his gaze for the first time. Akira’s eyes were misty, his face tired and wan once again. Shit, did...did Ryuji screw this up? It certainly felt like it. Everything had been fine until he’d brought up his own problems, then that made it all worse again and now Akira was hurting even more because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and-
“Neither can you, you know.” Akira’s voice was quiet, quieter than the rest of his speech, but it was firm enough to put a halt to the rapid-fire thoughts bouncing around the inside of Ryuji’s head. “I know what you’re thinking right now, and you didn’t mess anything up by talking honestly to me. In fact, I’m glad you said that. I’m so glad.” He drew Ryuji in closer, close enough that Ryuji could taste his breath. On second glance, his face was tired, but it didn’t carry quite the same air of exhaustion and defeat that he had when he’d first come in. “I’m just processing, because I know how much all of this hurts, and it’s all so complicated. I’m trying to figure things out too, and...I want to take care of you, too.”
There was nothing quite like having his own words thrown right back at him to shut Ryuji (and his internal monologue) up. Damn him, Akira was so good at turning the tables on other people, him included, without even trying. But it was good, it was so good, he realized, because Akira was here and he was okay, ultimately. This was different from the deflection that he used instead of confronting how he actually felt. It was real. It was him.
“Okay. You’re right, man.” Ryuji felt a small smile spread itself across his face. “All of this is messy as hell, and we’re just tryin’ to figure it out ‘cause we didn’t get to earlier. I get how hard it is to think about stuff in the past without automatically thinkin’ that it’s your fault. We just don’t know anythin’ else, and the point’s to try and learn.”
“Yep. You got it in one.” Akira reached up to take off his glasses, placing them gently on the bedside table, then let out a sleepy exhale as he wiped his not-quite-dry eyes with the back of his hand. “You were talking before about knowing something, but still having thoughts that were different. What I was saying was like that. I know, in my mind, that I wasn’t...I’m not to blame for how you feel. But I needed to get it out. I needed to tell you, because...well, I’m comfortable with you. I can tell you.”
Ryuji could feel his throat tighten. He was starting to tear up, too, and no amount of swallowing it back and listening was working.
“‘Course. ‘Course, Akira, I’m always here for you. As long as you don’t mind me talkin’ about my own mess, too, I’ll be here. I know it’s gonna hurt sometimes, and...and it really effin’ hurts right now, actually, but it’s a good hurt ‘cause I know it’s gonna heal.” He choked out a sob, screwing his eyes shut. “I’m a goddamn mess, and you’re a goddamn mess, and we’re just tryin’ to put all the pieces back together.”
“Yeah. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.” God, Akira and his...his cheesy, shitty lines, like something out of a cheap romance movie - but they were so perfect too, and he was crying, and Ryuji was crying, and there was nothing he could imagine right now that was better than that stupid crap because nothing made sense anyway. And yet it made all the sense in the world, too.
They kissed, over and over again, shallow and slow. The air as a whole had grown warm, far warmer than the storming wind outside that painted the glass with a layer of condensation. There were wet patches on the pillow and sheets from stray tears and bits of saliva - in the back of his mind, Ryuji began to weigh the options when it came to whether or not he should apologize to Haru when the morning came. But he couldn’t worry too much about that right now, because right now, he was here.
Akira hummed, leaning into Ryuji’s shoulder. The ends of his hair tickled. His weight was a visceral, solid comfort. He still had that persistent, lingering scent of coffee.
“You want to know something funny?” He sounded sleepy, his voice muffled against Ryuji’s skin. “I think I mentioned my grandpa earlier. He’s my mom’s dad.”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“The thing is...he’s kind of the only family member I have that I like. He’s always fun. Likes to send these big, long letters instead of calling or texting, and it’s taken a bit for him to get used to my new address.” Akira let out a snicker. “Every time he sees me, he always asks me if I’ve found a girl. Says I’d be a great husband to a nice young lady, that kind of stuff.”
“What’d you tell him?” Ryuji, who was most definitely not a girl, had to fight to keep the laughter out of his voice. “You want me to come over there and wear a dress or some shit?”
“Nothing much. I just say ‘maybe’.” Akira yawned, nuzzling further and hooking his leg around Ryuji’s waist. “Are you offering? That’s nice of you, but to be honest, I think I’d look nicer in a dress.”
“We are not gonna have that argument right now.”
“That’s fair.” He smiled. “Still, maybe we should think about doing something.”
Ryuji nodded, trying and failing to stifle a yawn, too. It would probably be fun. Maybe he’d invite Ma along too, or the rest of the group. He didn’t know this guy at all, really, but judging by the way Akira talked about him, it would probably turn out for the best. Plus, the thought of getting married to Akira...it made Ryuji happy, and a little anxious for the future, but mostly happy. He decided to file that one away for now, then realized that he was fading pretty fast.
The rain drew to a close, the sky beginning to clear. Outside, the world moved on, the first hints of activity showing themselves, lights turning on and birds singing a melody that joined the wind.
Inside, the world settled.
