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Sumire felt off today. That was an understatement though. She had been feeling “off” for the past few days. Ever since she’d visited the palace again and learned what her true identity was—is she couldn’t stop losing herself in her head.
Like the times she couldn’t help but sift through the fog inside it. Trying desperately to differentiate Sumire from Kasumi. In the end, all she got was a horrible headache. For months she had been living under a false identity. Dressing like her sister while others watched in what? Pity? Confusion? It must’ve been one or the other. God, how pathetic she must’ve looked to them.
Now in the present, Sumire sat on a bench in the park where she—no, Kasumi—met Akira. Technically it was still Sumire, no..?
It wasn't ever any easier to understand.
The fact of the matter was that Kasumi wasn't here anymore—though has she ever been? Only Sumire's cheap imitation of her existed, born from insecurities and sorrow. Kasumi was never there, but Sumire had tried her best to pretend she was.
While idly staring at the pond, she wondered if the lack of guilt was a bad thing.
Not that she didn’t regret that decision, but if it weren’t for it, Akira wouldn't have met her on the train. She wouldn’t have been able to awaken to her persona and befriend him along with the Phantom Thieves. Then again, Sumire wondered if they considered her a friend, or if that was just wishful thinking. She must look weak, what with her past being laid bare for them to see.
Maybe she looked like a fragile doll that could shatter at any moment—
Maybe she was—
“Ah, Yoshizawa-san?” She blinked slowly. That voice was awfully familiar, and when she raised her head, Sumire couldn’t fight the urge to lower her eyes back down. “H-hello, Akechi-san…”
Sumire couldn’t see his expression, but it was definitely a look of disdain or something like that. “Something the matter?” Sumire looked up shocked, “Oh, no! I’m fine.” Akechi raised a brow, taking his hands out of his pockets. “That's not good, lying to your seniors like that.”
She scrambled for a response. Sumire thought that she had befriended the Phantom Thieves, but Akechi wasn’t part of them. Back when she was...not herself, and had to traverse the palace with both him and Akira, Akechi spoke to her without much care every time.
Where he’d make odd, borderline flirtatious remarks at him—she still didn’t know what all that was about, for her it was like he was doing it to be polite.
So when he called her out on the spot, she wasn’t sure what to say. “O-oh! Sorry, Akechi-san, it’s just…” She trailed off, trying to find a way to end the conversation as soon as possible. “Just?” He prompted, crossing his arms. The stance reminded her of a stern mother, not that she’d ever say that to his face.
“I-uhh,” she couldn’t stall for much longer and it was clear in the way Akechi’s eyes gradually narrowed into slits. “I didn’t think you’d want to know,” she whispered.
It was a miracle he heard her at all, but he let out a huff. Circling the bench, he sat down with a sizable distance between them. “It wouldn’t do to have you zone out on the battlefield again, which you’ve been doing more and more. Need I remind you that it’s a life or death situation? If you can’t handle it then don’t come.”
It was a harsh sentiment, but Sumire had been expecting much worse than that. The Akechi she knew was wide-eyed, sweet, and polite. After she had learned that was all a facadé, she had no idea what to expect from the former detective prince.
“You’re right...if I were to be honest...I can’t help it,” she admitted. Akechi turned to her, voice as blank as his face. “How so?”
“I keep thinking. About Kasumi, who I was pretending to be. Who I am, and…” she tried to get the words out fast in case he grew too impatient, “and who Kasumi was to me.”
He didn’t say anything, so she took that as a prompt to continue. “It’s weird. Being thrown back into your head with so many memories that were never rightfully yours. I keep trying to set us apart. What makes Sumire different from Kasumi? But I get nothing. Sometimes I’ll even slip up and call myself by her name.”
“I say I want to be Sumire again, but it was...comforting. Living as her I mean. I didn’t have the feeling of not being good enough resting on my shoulders, and I could live without a care in the world. Like she used to do.”
“You’d be living a lie,” Akechi pointed out and she nodded. “You’re right. I would, but being Sumire is hard. It’s hard trying to remember who I used to be. I’m not even sure I’ll ever so back to being myself—“
“Then don’t.”
She stared at him with eyes as wide as saucers. “What...what do you mean?” He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, muttering something like “I can’t believe I’m doing this” and “How the hell does he do this everyday”.
“Why try so hard separating yourself from her? Face it, you’ll never go back to the Sumire from before, so why bother?” He gestured to her body. “Why not combine both of them? Parts that used to be you in past memories, and parts of Kasumi. Become an entirely new version of yourself using pieces left over.”
She hadn’t thought in such a way. How it would feel letting go. Not being Kasumi or a different version of herself from before but just...Sumire. The one living in the present. “...you might be right.”
“Hmm, if I’m speaking honestly, I thought you hated Kasumi. Seeing as how you’re asserting yourself as Sumire only and not acknowledging the influence she had on you.” She gaped at him for a moment, her nails digging into her thighs. “I don’t hate, Kasumi! I…” she was going to say she never did, but he did say it wasn't good if Sumire lied to him.
“If you loved Kasumi so much then why not wish her back to life instead of becoming her?" Akechi explained, crossing his arms. "Maruki had the means of doing that, or even if he didn’t he'd use his powers the moment it was possible.”
“Because I wanted to-“
“Achieve Kasumi's dream for her right?” he finished. “I don’t doubt that, but was it the only reason why you made such a wish?” Akechi didn’t let Sumire try and stop him before continuing. “You're envious of Kasumi, and judging from what little we’ve seen from the video Maruki showed us, here's what I think.”
“I think that you not only became Kasumi to achieve her dream, but also to escape from the perceived stigma you had as Sumire Yoshizawa. After all—in your words—Kasumi was the one everyone wanted. You might’ve used that as a way to hide from your true self.”
Sumire didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what to feel. To have such a deduction laid out in front of her like they were discussing the weather. Gripping her thighs tighter, she glared at the bench beneath them.
The worst thing was...he wasn’t wrong, and that hurt her more than anything else.
“...Everyone loved Kasumi, at least that’s what I thought. She was the star out of the two us, the one everyone paid attention to. I could never keep up with her, and in my heart,” she took a deep breath, “I hated her for that. For being so bright and bubbly while I was stuck on the sidelines.”
“If they want Kasumi, then they’ll have Kasumi,” she recited, “that’s what went through my head most of the time.” Thinking back to Akechi’s words, she shook her head. “I wouldn’t say I hate her though…” Sumire's voice died out. What was she supposed to say to that?
“...When I look back I know she was trying to care for me. Still, that care felt so condescending, and…” she sucked in a bit of air through clenched teeth. “I know she didn’t mean it what way, but that’s what made it so much more...irritating.” Her voice was a low hiss and it startled her. Sumire was worried Akechi thought she was being harsh and looked up only to see him nodding thoughtfully.
“Kindness is either the greatest blessing, or the cruelest curse. Some don’t want it thrust upon them.” She had a feeling there was a double meaning to that statement, but nodded anyway. Sumire could pick through that sentence later.
“Yes, the more she tried helping me by giving advice and such, the more I grew to dislike her.” Finally, Sumire's brain had caught up with what she was saying. The scathing remarks she'd bit back this whole time, and she covered her face in her hands.
“What am I saying..? I shouldn’t be thinking like this. All Kasumi ever did was help me and yet…” Sumire could feel her eyes start to burn. What kind of sister was she? To feel such negativity towards Kasumi.
“It’s fine to hate her, you know?” She didn’t say anything, still trying to fight back her tears and he huffed out a bitter laugh. “Envy and hatred come to you easily in a situation like that. The feeling that no matter how hard you push somehow they’ll always be a step ahead of you.” His voice sounded like he wasn’t talking about her and Kasumi. For a second she thought back to the competitive way both he and Akira fought together.
“That’s fine. To be envious I mean. You have every right to be.” Sumire uncovered her face, staring at Akechi. “Really..?” She had always thought she was a terrible person for thinking the things she did. Then here comes Akechi, tearing down any beliefs she used to have.
“Of course,” he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You can’t expect to not let things get under your skin even once now did you?”
The thought spilled out from her before she could stop herself. “But Kasumi-“
“Is not here anymore nor is she you. So stop comparing yourselves before I rip my hair out from frustration,” he hissed. Sumire jolted, sitting up straighter, “Right! She’s not...me anymore.” Something she had to remind herself of every time she woke up.
“It’s so weird. Even if I still…” Akechi waited expectantly and she choked out, “hate her, Kasumi still in the end saved me...and I still want to fulfill her wishes in my own way.” She struggled to put the words together, struggling with a mind that was going a mile a minute. Akechi was perceptive though, connecting the dots easily.
“You still care for her, don’t you?” She nodded, moving her arms to hug herself in a sad attempt at comfort. “Kasumi did so much for me and it’s all still so confusing.”
“Hatred and affection are two very similar yet different things.” Sumire frowned, “What makes you say that?” Akechi leaned back, crossing his legs, and stared at the pond below them.
“People do such drastic things out of hate. Crimes being the most basic example. The same thing goes for affection. You can do the same exact things because of it. Is it that bad to say you feel both for someone when they’re just two sides of the same coin?”
His eyes gained a distant look, and Sumire stared at the pond with him. Both hating and caring for Kasumi. That was a good way to describe her feelings. She hated her for being so good at everything, yet she also loved her. Even if she was angry at her dotting it still showed she cared, no matter how maddening it was.
For the first time since she came back to herself...she felt content. Sumire knew she'd be thinking over everything they’d discussed, but at this moment, all she felt was peace. For finally getting a starting path to her journey on truly discovering who Sumire was.
“Thank you, Akechi-senpai,” his nose wrinkled at the honorific. “Don’t think this makes us friends or anything like that. I need you to not have an identity crisis every minute we’re in the palace.” With the beginnings of herself coming to light, Sumire was starting to grasp how the real Goro Akechi worked as well.
Nodding, she smiled brightly at him, feeling the weight that settled in her chest feel a little lighter. “Yes! I’ll make sure not to slow you down!”
It might take a while, but Sumire was sure she’d figure out all the complicated feelings she harbored.
And when the time comes, she’ll come out stronger than ever with the help of her friends.
Like a violet blooming from the cold amid winter, vibrant and everlasting.