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Shou found himself unbearably restless once Claw was over and done with.
He hadn’t been expecting it. Not at all. He’d been expecting hard-earned ease. A chance to breathe. A chance to look up at the clouds or down at the dandelions beneath his feet.
He had more free time, sure, but the tension stayed. The vigilance never left. Oftentimes, Shou’s teeth were clenched and his shoulders were squared without reason. Even as he drifted off to sleep at night (when he could manage it), protests and disobedience swirled in the back of his throat. A few times, he checked his temperature, just because the feeling made him wonder if he was actually sick. He never was.
It was driving him crazy.
All the momentum that Shou had built up for a very long time refused to die down. It lived in the center of his chest, urging him to keep moving, to keep fighting, to keep checking around corners for danger. He’d spent so long keeping up with everything his father had been doing, and now that Shou had nothing to keep up with—because he’d won, he’d done it, his dad was in prison, the empire had fallen, it was over —he found himself uneasy. Uneasy and restless. An energy in the center of his chest, like he was just waiting to get scared half to death.
Going outside helped. Drawing helped. Listening to music helped. But that’s all any of it did. Nothing made the bad feelings go away except for sleep. And even in sleep, Shou dreamed about Claw. He dreamed about all the lives that were ruined. He’d be fourteen soon, and all he could think about were loose ends. Loose ends that he knew weren’t there, but felt that he had to tie up before everything fell apart all over again.
Nevertheless, Shou would take what he could get. If that meant the tightness in his chest being potent, endless background noise rather than a roar in his head, so be it. Both sucked, but one was marginally better.
Sometimes, Shou ran out of stuff to do. It made him feel sick to his stomach to stay still, so he’d get up and do something drastic. Sometimes, that ended in a buzzcut. Sometimes, it ended in actively searching out work. Even if that meant doing something he really didn’t want to.
“I like the new place,” Shou said by way of greeting. He’d had the time to visit Spirits and Such, but he hadn’t wanted to. Stopping by was purely an act of desperation. He kicked the door shut behind him and strolled in.
“Mob’s brother’s friend?” Reigen asked, looking up from his computer. Great. Mob’s brother’s friend. At least it wasn’t—“Suzuki, right?”
“It’s Shou,” he corrected, and sat down on one of the couches. He scanned the room, purely out of habit. “It’s much nicer than the old one. Where’s Kageyama?”
He hadn’t seen much of the old office before he torched the thing, but nothing could be done.
The new office was nicer, and it looked like they got better couches. Reigen had obviously used the insurance money to splurge, if the fancy swivel chair and television were anything to go by.
“Yeah, the insurance was a lifesaver.” Reigen said. He raised his eyebrow. “Mob’s sick. Can I help you with something? Are you waiting for someone? This is a professional establishment, you know. Not a hangout spot for teenagers.”
“Yup, I know,” Shou said and leaned forwards. He pointed at Reigen. “That’s why I’m here to work.”
Reigen scoffed. “I don’t need help from a… what are you, three? Four? I don’t need help from you.” His chair squeaked when he leaned back defensively.
“Sure you do!” Shou said with a toothy grin. “You don’t even have to pay me, I promise.”
Reigen’s face fell flat. Something in his expression shifted. Even the tone of his voice was different when he yelled into the next room, “Hey, Serizawa, we don’t have anything scheduled for today, right?”
Shou’s stomach dropped to the floor. No way. It was a different Serizawa. It had to be.
“It’s not—I have no way of knowing that.” Serizawa—yeah, it was that Serizawa—“I thought you could check on the computer.”
So that’s where he’d ended up.
Reigen clicked his tongue. “I can do that.” He looked over at his laptop half-heartedly and definitely didn’t read anything on the screen. “Yeah, there’s nothing lined up. Serizawa and I can deal with walk-ins.” He didn’t even sound sorry .
Shou didn’t care about that anymore. Why the hell was Serizawa there? “What the hell?” He asked, loudly. “Serizawa?”
Serizawa poked his head out from around the corner. He looked different, but it was him. Shou would remember that scared expression anywhere. The guy constantly looked afraid . “Shou? I thought I recognized—it sounded like you.” He couldn’t get through a sentence without changing it halfway through. His voice was the same. Of course it was.
Shou couldn’t help it. His blood ran cold. The room didn’t feel safe anymore. Serizawa wasn’t a threat, not with the way he had a bunch of bandages bundled in his clumsy hands, or with the way he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes focused on one spot. But, for the longest time, Serizawa being around had meant Pops being around. He was always right around the corner, rarely willing to let Serizawa out of his sight. Just around the corner. Always right around the corner. “Serizawa,” Shou said again, this time weaker.
Maybe Serizawa didn’t always look so fucked up and afraid. Maybe he felt the same way about Shou. Shou had no idea. “What’s with the bandages?” He asked, instead of is he behind you?
“I burnt—I spilled hot water on my hand, so I was just…” He trailed off and looked to Reigen. Something in his eyes was desperate. Shou just stared at Serizawa’s chest. He couldn’t look him in the face. The suit and the haircut and the shave were all different, but his eyes were the same. The eyes that were always watching. Always watching, never doing anything. Never intervening. Shou couldn’t get enough air. “What are you doing here, Shou?’ Serizawa asked, because the world didn’t stop for the fear in Shou’s veins.
“I was just…” Shou swallowed. His eyes felt dry from being opened so wide. “Just seeing if there was anything for me to do.”
“And I told him there wasn’t anything,” Reigen interjected. He looked tense. Everything was so tense.
Serizawa went quiet. “Oh.” It was strange seeing light on his face. There was usually a shadow concealing the bags under his eyes.
“I can help with the bandages.” Shou said. He had no idea why. Part of him just wanted to check the other room to make sure his dad wasn’t in there. It was all so irrational and stupid .
“I can—I’ve done it before.” Serizawa said. Shou knew that. They all got hurt often enough. There had been so much hurt all the time.
“It’s easier if someone helps, though.” Shou said, and tried to meet Serizawa’s stare. Serizawa, however, was just staring in Reigen’s direction. Couldn’t he stop leaning on people for five minutes?
“Okay,” Serizawa said, and ducked back into the other room without another word. It took Shou a few seconds to process. He gripped the edge of the couch and stared at the ground.
“He’s doing much better. He improves every day.” Reigen said quietly. “You’ll see.”
Shou tilted his head to look at him. “You’d better not be like my dad was.” He’d almost missed using that tone of voice with people. It made him feel like he was doing something. Something necessary.
“I’m not.” Reigen said, and pointed to the cased opening. “Go help, if you want something to do so bad.”
He did want something to do. He hopped off the couch and walked over to go help Serizawa with his stupid bandages.
“How bad is it?” Shou asked, and slid up onto the counter. His legs kicked back and forth while Serizawa handed him the bandages.
(They’d done this before. It had gone both ways. Shou didn’t want to think about it.)
“Not that bad.” Serizawa said cautiously. He held up his right hand. The back of it was very obviously burnt. “I don’t know how I screwed up so bad.”
“Yeah, me neither,” Shou said, with a bit of a bite to it. He unravelled the bandages and carefully placed one end on the inside of Serizawa’s palm. “So, what? You work for that guy now?”
“Yes.” Serizawa said, with his teeth grit. The burn probably hurt. “He said he’d help me get back on my feet.”
“That’s probably what my dad said, too.”
Serizawa jumped. Maybe from the pain. Maybe from something else. “It’s… different.”
“Is it?”
“Well, he—he doesn’t—it’s different. It’s too different for me to explain it right.” Serizawa said, and flipped his hand over so Shou could bandage it up easier.
“If you say so.” Shou pulled the bandages taut, tore them apart from the rest, and secured the tail end on Serizawa’s hand. “I better not find out you’re being an idiot again.”
“I’m not.” Serizawa said, but he sounded uncertain.
“An idiot never thinks they’re an idiot.” Shou said matter-of-factly, and let go of Serizawa’s hand. He didn’t hop down from the counter. He checked over Serizawa’s shoulder again. “So they just let you go? After all that?”
Serizawa stared down at his hand and prodded at the bandages. “Basically. I think this is technically commun—community service.” He closed his eyes. “Or something.”
“Or something,” Shou echoed. His eyebrows pulled in towards each other. “I don’t get it. You were my dad’s right hand man and they let you go.”
“I don’t get it either.” Serizawa said. His voice sounded strange. Shou really hoped he wasn’t about to start crying. Just in case he was, Shou hopped down from the counter and walked right out.
He turned to Reigen, who was still sitting at his desk, moving his mouse around like he hadn’t been listening in on Shou and Serizawa’s conversation. “If there’s nothing else for me to help with, I’m leaving.”
Reigen acknowledged him with nothing more than a wave and a raise of his eyebrows. What a hack. A hack that tried to fight Shou’s dad with a toy gun and a bunch of fancy words. Shou would never understand him.
“Uh, Shou,” Serizawa said. He’d entered the main room so silently that Shou hadn’t noticed. Shou silently berated himself for it. “If you ever… want to go get dinner or something and—and, uh, talk about… all of the—everything, I can—”
“I’ll pass.” Shou interrupted, just to put the staggering sentence out of its misery. “Just because you got a haircut and a fancy new job doesn’t mean I have to trust you. I’d be stupid to.”
With that, he left.
He hadn’t been planning on going back.
And for weeks, he didn’t. Seeing Serizawa again shook him up. There was no getting around that. No part of him wanted to see Serizawa again.
Until he realized there was a lot more he wanted to yell at Serizawa about. He needed to see it. He needed to see Serizawa get all worked up and heartbroken over the shit he’d done. Shou certainly wouldn’t get that reaction from his dad, or Shimazaki, or any of the rest of them. Only Serizawa would show remorse. Shou needed it. It was a malicious kind of wanting.
He decided he’d go and see Serizawa on a Monday. The beginning of the week, so that Serizawa wouldn’t have a day off to process. In the morning, too, so he’d have to hold it in his head all day. All day and all week and hopefully for the rest of his life. Shou tied his shoes so fast that one came untied as soon as he stood up. He didn’t bother to fix it before running out the door.
Just before Shou walked into Spirits and Such, his grand speech died in his throat. His hand froze on the doorknob.
Something crazy was going on inside. Shou could feel it, in the center of his chest. It was Serizawa. It was Serizawa freaking out. Shou knew his aura well enough to know that.
Shou felt an urge to run. Serizawa freaking out usually ended in one thing—a giant explosion. Or something similar. Being around Serizawa while the guy flipped out was the fastest way to end up with a sprained wrist or an exploded brain.
Okay, Shou wasn’t sure if Serizawa had ever exploded anybody’s brain before.
Still.
In the end, Shou stayed put. If Serizawa was going to blow something up, it was better for Shou to be there to stop Reigen from getting hurt.
He turned the knob and opened the door.
Reigen was right next to Serizawa, so he really was an idiot. His hands were on either side of Serizawa, holding his arms tight. Serizawa was staring into Reigen’s eyes like he was the only thing keeping him tethered to the ground. Maybe he was. Reigen was saying something, but Shou couldn’t make it up over the breeze filling up his ears. Objects across the room vibrated and clattered around, like they were just about to take flight. Shou knew the signs. He walked towards the center of the room.
Shou pointed in Serizawa’s direction and let energy build up at the tip of his finger. “Hey, Reigen!” Shou shouted, and jabbed his finger in Serizawa’s direction. “Want me to knock him out?”
“Huh?” Reigen shouted, whipping his head in Shou’s direction. Serizawa’s eyes widened and his tie began to swipe back and forth across his chest. “No! What? No! Don’t do that!”
“It’s the fastest way,” Shou said, channeling more power. “If you don’t wanna buy a new new office, you should probably just let me—”
“I said no!” Reigen shouted, face twisting. He turned his attention back to Serizawa. “Don’t pay attention to him. Everything’s fine.”
The corner of Shou’s mouth quirked downwards. “Suit yourself.” Shou waltzed over to the couch and sat down. He watched Reigen proceed to try and calm Serizawa down with morbid curiosity.
Serizawa had freaked out a lot when Claw was still a thing. He’d freak out over going outside, and over going inside , and over talking to people and over people getting hurt and over Shou getting hurt and over Touichirou yelling and over everything under the Sun. When it was bad, people got hurt and stuff got destroyed. The best way to prevent that, as Shou and the Super Five realized, was to knock Serizawa out and wait for him to wake back up. Usually, Shimazaki did it, but sometimes Shou got the honor. He didn’t like doing it, but Shou didn’t like doing a lot of things he had to.
Whatever Reigen was doing with the mumbling and the arm grabbing wasn’t going to—
Oh. It was working.
Serizawa had his eyes closed, and he was nodding, and he was sucking in deep, labored breaths. Everything had stopped rattling. The breeze had died down. The only evidence of Serizawa’s panic was in the rise and fall of his chest. His aura had pulled back.
Huh. That was new.
“Sorry, sorry,” Serizawa muttered, over and over. He hid his eyes behind his hand. Reigen let his arms drop and waved his hand around by the side of his head.
“It happens.” Reigen said cheerfully. His face did not match his tone, because he was glaring down at Shou. “Don’t ever threaten to hurt one of my employees again.”
Shou scoffed, but his gaze remained on Serizawa, who was pulling himself together with his head in his hands. “I wasn’t threatening him. I was offering you a favor.”
“Knocking Serizawa out is not a favor . Why are you even here? It’s eight in the morning on a Monday.” Reigen said, leaning in. He squinted at Shou.
“I wanted—” Shou cut himself off. He couldn’t yell at Serizawa. Now when he’d just done something Shou had never seen before. “I just wanted to see if there was anything I could… help with.”
“Yeah, you haven’t been very helpful so far.” Reigen said flatly.
“It’s fine.” Serizawa said, wringing his hands together. “Uh, that was like… they used to do that.”
“Who’s ‘they’?” Reigen asked. He sounded angry. Shou felt the need to step between him and Serizawa.
Serizawa took a step back. His hands squeezed together tighter. “The—everyone else. Shimazaki and Shi—the Super Five. It was normal. Shou doesn’t know any better. It’s fine. It’s fine. I promise.”
Reigen squinted again. “They’d incapacitate you when you panicked?”
“Only sometimes.” Serizawa said, quietly. “If I—if people were going to get hurt.”
“Jesus, Serizawa,” Reigen said with a shake of his head. He ran his hand down his face and sighed towards the floor. “Why don’t you take a break. Shou, you can… I don’t know. Go clean something.”
Shou barely heard him. He was staring at Serizawa. The man’s hands were shaking, but he seemed to have his shit together. He was muttering something to himself. Maybe reassurances. Shou did that, when he got overwhelmed.
“Hey, Serizawa.” Shou said, like he was about to step on glass.
“Yes?” Serizawa asked, snapping to attention. The obedient look that washed over his face was almost haunting.
“Do you remember the time I twisted my ankle and I couldn’t walk and you carried me the rest of the way?” Shou asked quickly, before his throat could close up.
Shou remembered it all unbearably clearly. Shou, Serizawa, Minegishi, and Shibata had all been evading attacks from above, carried out in blasts of psychic energy and slung projectiles that whistled as they picked up speed. Shou was eleven years old and dust coated the back of his throat. The sandy particles scratched at the soft part of the roof of his mouth and made it painful to exhale. He kept running. To his left and right, rocks and debris exploded from the ground and spewed out in all directions. Shou could feel the sharper bits digging into his skin. He should’ve worn a jacket. Maybe if he had, blood wouldn’t have dripped down his slender, trembling arms.
Usually, when they were on the defense, Serizawa and Minegishi blocked most of the heavier attacks. That day, Serizawa had gotten hit in the head and couldn’t seem to concentrate his aura properly, even with his umbrella. He kept getting blown backwards by attacks he’d usually be able to brush off. Minegishi wasn’t doing much better without the usual aid from Serizawa.
Touichirou had just stood and watched them get their asses beat.
Shou would never understand that guy.
Eventually, Touichirou clicked his tongue, tilted his chin, and the attacks dropped dead. Shou refused to check if any of the attackers had, too. His energy was occupied in keeping his eyes hard and dry.
Shou fell down to his knees. His left ankle felt wrong. It hurt to stand on, and it hurt to move. He might’ve twisted it while running. It might’ve gotten hit by something. He should’ve been paying better attention. His pops seemed to agree, as he walked right past without fussing, scolding, or berating. His shoes clicked on the concrete below them.
As always, Minegishi and Shibata followed. Serizawa would be right behind them.
“Are you okay?” Serizawa said, from behind Shou’s shoulder.
“Huh?” Shou replied, half-dazed and half-bewildered. It hadn’t made any sense at all. Serizawa was meant to be right in front with Pops, but he’d stayed behind. He was down on one knee in the crumbling rubble. The handle of his umbrella rested in the crook between his shoulder and his neck. The canopy cast a dim shadow over the both of them.
“You’re bleeding,” Serizawa said calmly. Or as calmly as he could manage. The slight tremor in his voice was always there, like he couldn’t support the weight of his own voice.
“Yeah,” Shou replied, swiping his palm over the nicks and abrasions on his arms. The lines in his palm were filled with red. Like little scarlet creeks. Shou watched them drip down his skin in thin, pointed trails. “I think I did something to my ankle.”
“Your ankle?” Serizawa echoed, and leaned to the side to get a better look. “It looks a little swollen. Can y—”
“Serizawa.” One word. One tone. No patience dripped from the voice of the man that said it. “What are you doing?”
“President!” Serizawa snapped to attention. His hand hovered over Shou’s ankle and he didn’t move from his spot on the ground. It looked like every part of him. His neck strained when he snapped his head up to meet Touichirou’s unwavering stare. “I—I’ll be just a second, I’m helping Shou with—”
“He can take care of himself.” Shou’s pops said, like he was bored. “Get up.”
Serizawa squeezed his eyes shut. One of his hands tightened around the umbrella’s handle. Purple static wrapped around his shoulders. Shou knew what that static could do. He glanced back and forth between his pops and Serizawa. Finally, Serizawa spoke. “I’m just going to carry him,” he said. Without another word, he collapsed his umbrella and maneuvered Shou into his arms. Shou felt babied when he was cradled that way, but it took a lot of the pressure off of his ankle.
Serizawa had carried him all the way inside and made sure there were people around to take care of his cuts and scrapes.
Serizawa’s shoulders fell, like he’d been expecting a punch that never came. “I remember that.”
“You could’ve gotten in trouble for that.”
“I know.” Serizawa said. He rubbed the heel of his palm over his chest. “I did. Get in trouble.”
“Oh.” Shou said. Anger stacked up in his chest like blocks of concrete. He had nowhere to put it. He had nowhere to put any of it. “You got in trouble for helping me.”
“Yes.” The answer, while predictable, still split the room in half.
“That’s so messed up, right?” Shou asked. The world stood still.
“It is.” Serizawa said, tracing Shou’s face. He was probably thinking about how young Shou was, or something. They always thought about that kind of thing. Sometimes, Shou thought about it, too.
“I didn’t eat breakfast,” Shou said abruptly. He looked over at the wall. “So if you wanna buy me food, now’s your chance. If you still wanna talk.”
“I do.” Serizawa said. Shou had never heard him sound so certain. “If—if Reigen’s okay with…?”
Reigen finally made his presence known by clearing his throat. “Go for it. I’ll handle the walk-ins. Just come back before noon.” He sat down at his desk and lifted his laptop open, like it was the most normal day ever.
Serizawa smiled, all wonky and unsure. To top it off, he gave Shou a small thumbs up. Shou rolled his eyes, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and turned towards the door. “Come on, Serizawa. You’d better know good places to eat.”
Somehow, they ended up at a convenience store with handfuls full of sugar-packed candy.
Breakfast.
They sat on a nearby curb after Serizawa had fumbled around with his money for way too long while paying the cashier. Shou tore into the wrappers with his hands and teeth and didn’t stop until he had an adequate amount of candy in his mouth. His cheeks bulged when he spoke. “So he pays you?”
“What?” Serizawa asked, startled. He was holding a single piece of candy in between his fingers, unwrapped and uneaten. “Oh. Yes. He pays me. It’s a job.”
“I know it’s a job.” Shou said defensively, through a mouthful of watermelon-flavored sweets. “But you called your last gig a company, and it definitely wasn’t. So who knows with you.”
“That’s fair.” Serizawa said. His face looked like it couldn’t decide between frowning and laughing. It was painful to watch.
God, Shou still wanted to yell. “I don’t get how you didn’t know. There’s no way you actually believed you worked for a company. There was no way you actually believed my pops had any kind of faith in you.” He cracked the candy between his molars. Sugar coated the back of his tongue.
“Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous. I know that now. Objective—objectively.” Serizawa said, twisting the plastic wrapper between his fingers. The crinkling sound was pissing Shou off.
“Objectively.” He said, voice flat. “What, you still believe in him?”
“It—it’s…” Serizawa glared down at his candy. “It’s hard to let it go, I guess. I know that he’s a bad man. A very bad man. I knew that the whole time, I just—I couldn’t—”
“You couldn't do what? Stand up for yourself? Stand up for anybody?” Stand up for me? He wanted to ask. Serizawa had proven himself capable of it. “Come on, Serizawa. That’s stupid.”
“It is.” Serizawa said, and finally twisted that wrapper open. “It’s very stupid.”
Oh, come on . He wasn’t just supposed to sit there and agree. Shou wanted a fight. He needed a fight. “You admit you knew the whole time. So why didn’t you do anything? You let—you let so much stuff happen . Because—because you were scared? Everyone was scared!”
“I was scared of—” Serizawa cut himself off. “Look. I don’t know if… I don’t know if you just want someone to yell at, or if you actually want me to try to explain or, or, I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s hard for me to… just tell me what you want out of this and I’ll give it to you.”
Shou bit down on his candy again. He wondered if it was hard enough to crack his teeth. He shifted on the curbside. “You deserve to get yelled at.”
“I know I do.” Serizawa said. He held his candy in his palm and stared at it. The bandages on his hand would have to be replaced soon, if the burn wasn’t already healed. “I won’t get mad if you yell at me. I let terrible things happen to you and many other people.”
Shou sighed. “Why?” He pressed his fists down into the concrete. “What were you scared of?”
“My room.” Serizawa said, quicker than lightning. “I was… your dad convinced me that without Claw, I’d have to go back to being a shut-in. I was in my room for fifteen years before Suzuki came around, and it nearly killed me. I couldn’t—God, I couldn’t do that again. Never again.”
“How did he… what kind of stuff did he say?” Shou asked. He was going to get scrapes on his knuckles.
Serizawa hummed. He looked a little sick. “Stuff about how I… a lot of it relied on praise, I think. But it all implied that without him, I’d be nowhere. Which… I guess is true? He was the one that got me out of my room. I shouldn’t be, but I’m still grateful. I’m grateful for something he held over my head for three years. He’d talk about how without him, and without my umbrella, I’d still be all alone. In my room. And… I don’t know. I guess it was easy to get me to believe him, because he was the first person that understood me. I was desperate. I ignored everything because I didn’t want to go back. That’s the simplest way to put it.”
Shou swallowed. The sweetness in his mouth had turned bitter. There was blood in his mouth from where he’d bit down on his lip. “I think everybody could tell. That he was just using you. And lying about seeing you as… somebody worthy of him. He does that.”
“Yeah. Everyone knew.” Serizawa laughed a little and shook his head. “It makes me feel really stupid for being the last one to know.”
“I mean…” Shou ground the tip of his shoe into the ground. “Someone could’ve told you.”
Serizawa raised his eyebrows. “I guess so. But I don’t think that was the kind of people we were around.”
“I guess not.” Shou swallowed again. It was getting harder. “People stood back and watched while you got used by him, then.”
“Yes.” Serizawa said. His eyebrows lowered. “They let me believe that they were my friends. They just went along with it. I’m sure some of them—I’m sure they might’ve thought it was funny.”
“It wasn’t.” Shou said. “You were dangerous.”
“I was.”
“And… if someone had told you, maybe…” Shou shook his head. “Whatever. I guess I get it now. I don’t like it, and I’m mad, but I get it.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Serizawa, at one point, finally put his candy into his mouth. After the first minute or two, he flipped his hands over, palms up, and let them catch the sunlight. He wiggled his fingers and watched the light dance across them. Shou tried it out for himself. He didn’t get what was so interesting.
Fifteen years sounded like a really long time.
“Are you mad?” Shou asked. His voice was barely a whisper. “Because I’m mad. I’m mad all the time. At everything.”
“I think I’m more scared than mad,” Serizawa said, just as quiet. He tilted his head to look at Shou. “You’re allowed to be angry.”
“ You’re allowed to be angry. You were— he tricked you. He tricked you into becoming a bad person. You did things that you didn’t want to because he lied to you. Why aren’t you mad?” Shou asked, voice rising. He could feel it in his chest. Restlessness. Anger.
“It’s… hard for me to get mad at him.” Serizawa said. He looked ashamed. “It wasn’t very long ago, and I’m still… processing. I guess.”
“I’m mad all the time,” Shou repeated. His voice was wobbling, like a raindrop that was about to fall. “I’m mad. I’m mad in my chest, and my head, and all over. It hurts, sometimes. It hurts to be so angry.”
“I’m sorry,” Serizawa said. It was painful, how much he sounded like he meant it. “I’m really sorry, Shou.”
“Sorry for what?” Shou hissed. It was growing now. It grew without his permission and it grew without warning. “Sorry for staying in your room for a million years? Sorry for moving on? Sorry for not being angry? Sorry that my dad’s a piece of shit? Sorry that you weren’t forced to awaken? Sorry that it’s over for you and it will never be for me? What are you sorry for, really?”
“All of it.” Serizawa said, in a way that was incredibly sad and incredibly sobering. Not sobering enough. His hand came to rest on top of Shou’s shoulder. It was an unsure gesture. Everything was so uncertain and unbalanced. “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so much.”
“What do you mean, you’re more scared than angry?” Shou asked. He didn’t want to talk about himself anymore. Everything in his chest was mangled.
“You know me,” Serizawa said, with a small smile. His hand fell from Shou’s shoulder. “I’m scared of everything.”
“You shouldn’t have to be. It doesn’t make you mad? That you’re scared of everything and nobody else has to be?” Shou asked, words sharp.
“Sometimes. Sometimes I get angry.” Serizawa’s reply felt cold. “It’s… hard for me to get mad at Suzuki, and my powers, and… everything, but it happens. It happens and it’s overwhelming, because I feel like I’m betraying him.”
“You did betray him.”
“I know,” Serizawa said, and gripped his knees. “And in my head, I know that was the right thing to do. But in my chest… I don’t know. I just get scared.”
They were getting nowhere. They were scared, and they were angry. Shou was mad at Serizawa. Serizawa felt like he deserved it. Serizawa was mad at Touichirou. His body felt wrong about it. It was a cycle of anger, and fear, and bad memories.
“This sucks,” Shou declared, and rose to his feet. “This sucks.”
“What sucks?”
“This!” Shou said, gesturing to everything in eyesight. “Claw’s gone, but it’s not over. I thought it would be over.”
Serizawa hummed. Soon after, he rose to his feet as well. “Yeah, me too. I think part of it’s over. The worst part of it, anyways. Now there’s just… loose ends.” He tapped his temple. “Up here.” Then, he fished around in his pocket for another piece of candy.
“Up here.” Shou agreed reluctantly, and tapped his head. “I don’t feel like talking about it anymore. Maybe I’ll yell at you more later.”
“You’re welcome to stop by and yell at me any time.” Serizawa said. He glanced around, like he didn’t know what else to say. The sun was hitting his eyes and forced him to squint. His face looked funny, all scrunched up like that. The guy really did look different, but some stuff stayed the same.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Shou said, and gave Serizawa a little salute. Before he turned to walk away, he added, “Hey. If that Reigen guy ever starts acting scheme-y, let me know. I’ll scare it outta him.”
“I’m sure you will.” Serizawa said with a smile and a wave.
Shou looked up at the clouds as he walked away. It wasn’t what he’d been looking for, not exactly, but it could work. He could always come back and really let Serizawa have it later.
His foot landed in a puddle. Shou cursed and jumped backwards, cringing at the way water seeped in through the material of his sneaker. It was cold, and gross. Shou grimaced at the water. It was brown and murky, dirtied with age and all the stuff that happened on a street. Shou squinted. He could make something out, through the swirling, rippling surface. Just to the right of where Shou had stepped, a worm lay in the water.
Shou squatted down next to the puddle and stared into it. He remembered reading somewhere that worms couldn’t drown, but he worried anyway.
Carefully, Shou reached into the water, pulled the worm out, and set it into a patch of grass nearby.
He could find little things to keep himself busy.