Chapter Text
Poe was beautiful. Absolutely stunning. From his black, curly hair to his deep brown eyes. He had stubble that could grow into a thick beard when he wanted, or he could shave for the cleaner look and look handsome either way. He was very toned and well muscled under his tan skin. His personality showed through as well. He may come across as cocky and reckless, but under that was a sensitive and determined pilot who would stop at nothing to help anyone in need, even if it was inconvenient to him.
That's just who Poe was and Finn loved him for it.
However, that was before Poe's mind decided to attack itself. Since his flashbacks had started to occur and brought with it nightmares and anxiety, things were very different. Poe was still handsome in Finn's eyes and still had a heart of gold, but all of that seemed to be coated in a thick haze that distracted Finn from Poe's true qualities. This had been going on for so long that Finn had forgotten what things had used to be before all of this. That was good since things didn't seem to be heading back to normal anytime soon.
Finn still loved Poe. He loved him more than he would be able to express. He loved Poe's personality, his heart, his body, and his soul. There wasn't one thing about Poe that he didn't love. Sure, somethings made it challenging to have a relationship with, especially with Poe's aversion to touch that recently had hit a fever pitch. Finn could deal with that. It was challenging, sure, but it wasn't anything that Finn couldn't handle. He had researched all that he could about trauma and torture and what to do to help those that had been through unspeakable things. He knew that Poe hadn't told him the half of what he had been through and Finn couldn't blame him. He hoped that one day he would feel comfortable enough to do so. Until then, he was going to do all that he could to show Poe everyday that he was going to fight for him and do his best to make things better for him.
That was easier said than done in most respects. In fact, it seemed to be impossible. It was a constant battle to keep Poe stable, or at least without him falling completely off the edge. Not to mention that he also had to be mindful of himself and what he was feeling at all times too. Too often he felt himself drifting into unfamiliar territory that seemed to warrant an explosion of pent up feelings only for him to fight to get control. Poe needed him too much for him to loose his mind over anything, even when any normal person would've by now. Being with Poe was wonderful and so complex at the same time. There was no one that Finn would rather be with, even when things went less than well, but Finn was used to it.
When a scream awoke Finn, he should've been surprised, but he wasn't. This happened at least a few times a week and it should've caused more fear and shock, but really all Finn felt was the feeling of frustration that it was happening yet again. He tried to swallow that feeling as he reminded himself that it wasn't Poe's fault; it wasn't anyone's fault. He just needed to come to terms with that for a moment and be able to compose himself before he could even think about dealing with Poe.
Just as Finn was about to prop himself up, he felt himself dip as Poe stood up from his side. Finn struggled not to groan as he blinked sleep form his eyes as he finally sat up and crawled forward to Poe's side. He could feel how wet the sheets were from Poe's sweat while he turned on the lamp so that he could see a little better.
From the golden orange light Finn could see Poe staggering around toward their shared closet. He could see his hair slicked back with sweat and sticking to the back of his neck. His eyes were wild in terror while his hands shook when he tried to grasp another t-shirt. The white one that he was wearing was stuck to his skin as if he had just jumped into a lake. Sweat clung to his forehead and seemed to drip down his entire body, soaking him completely through. Finn could smell the familiar scent of fear mixed with the sweat that alerted him to how horrible the nightmare had been for Poe as of late. That eased Finn's frustrated that he felt a moment prior.
"Poe," Finn asked as he sat off to the side of the bed, as far away from the pool of sweat on the bed as possible.
Poe swung his head around fearfully, his eyes flashing in the slight light from the lamp. He looked like he didn't recognize Finn while his shoulders lifted and breath quickened.
"Hey, it's me. It's me," Finn began quickly so that Poe knew it was him. "It's Finn. You're in our room, remember? It's just us. You're safe."
Poe blinked his eyes a few times and rubbed the back of his hands against his sweaty brow. "Oh, uh, yeah. I-I remember," he stammered thickly as though not believing the words that he spoke.
Concern showed on Finn's face. ‘Do you,’ Finn thought.
"I'm sorry about the bed," Poe suddenly continued as he walked around quickly. His movements were sporadic and frantic. “I guess I had a nightmare again. I-I'll strip the sheets after I change and—“
"You don't need to do that," Finn interrupted quickly. "I can do the bed while you take a shower. That may be better than just changing and it should make you feel better."
Poe shook his head madly, swaying where he stood. "I'm fine. I don't need help. I'm fine," he muttered as he repeated the same phrase over and over while he eyes took on a glossed over quality.
Finn grunted as he jumped from the bed and headed over to Poe. He reached out his hands and grasped Poe's wrists, careful not to knock the shirt that Poe held in his hand. He was continuously shaking even when Finn tried to hold him steady. "You're shaking. Just let me help you." Poe looked down and didn't speak. "I'll wait just outside the shower. You won't even know that I'm there. It's just so that I can make sure that you're okay."
Poe sniffled as he continued to look at the ground. "M'okay," Poe finally mumbled after what felt like forever.
Relief pulsed through Finn. There had been a time when Poe would've invited Finn into the shower with him just because. Now it was a struggle for Poe to allow Finn to share the same bed with him or sit outside the shower with him. They used to have a clear curtain for slight privacy when one was in the shower, but Poe had forced Finn to change it to a sheen that could not be seen through. That day had broken Finn's heart, not that he would ever let Poe know, but it was still hard for him to think about.
"Alright, let's get started then," he offered as he released one of Poe's hand, but kept the other still grasping one of Poe's hands to lead him forward.
Poe seemed to drag his feet as he struggled forward. He slightly pulled away Finn, but Finn wasn't about to release him, at least not yet. They headed to the fresher with Poe clustering toward the sink and not moving. Finn didn't let that slow him down as he leaned into the shower and switched onto the water to lukewarm. He shook a few droplets of water that had sprayed on his hands as he turned back to Poe as he took a step forward. "Alright, let's—“
"No," Poe suddenly shouted as he drew away from Finn's slight touch. "I'll do it."
Finn tipped his head. "Do what?"
"Change by myself. I don't need your help," he seethed with his teeth almost bared like some sort of animal. "Just turn around."
More confusion seemed to pass through Finn. He didn't want to make Poe any angrier, but he had no idea what was going on with him. "Turn around?"
"Don't look at me when I change," Poe clarified quietly. His gaze immediately dropped as he rubbed the side of one hand against his forearm almost robotically.
Finn had to struggle not to laugh as the pure absurdity of Poe's words. "Poe, I've seen you naked numerous times. We are boyfriends, you know. Why the sudden modesty? Poe Dameron is not shy about his body," Finn joked lightly. He had hoped it would bring a smile to Poe's face, yet he feared that he only made it worse.
"Either turn around or get out," Poe shouted as he slammed his fist onto the sink.
Just the pure force of it caused Finn to draw back in shock. He lifted his hands in alarm and defeat. "Alright, alright. I'm going, I'm going. Just calm down." Finn turned so that his back was to Poe as he crossed his arms over his chest. Something was brewing deep inside Poe and Finn knew that he had to figure it out and quickly or he feared that nothing would be the same again.