Chapter Text
“...It’s not gonna work. Just come down from there,” came the even tone of Stan Marsh, equal parts concern and annoyance edging his voice. Such was how he typically had to speak to their overly stupid friend. The concern was always well-hidden, though.
This was what Kyle Broflovski heard as he approached the group of boys, trudging through the snow until he reached Kenny’s side. “What’s going on?” Surely there had to be a good reason for their classmates to voluntarily gather in Eric Cartman’s backyard.
“Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof,” Stan explained with a sigh, looking back skywards. Kyle decided to follow his best friend’s gaze, because that sentence alone was not enough to quell his curiosity.
Holy fuck. It was finally happening. Cartman was going to die - or at least seriously injure himself - and Kyle hadn’t even had to lift a finger. For the asshole himself was standing on the edge of his roof, sporting what appeared to be homemade wings composed of cardboard across his arms. He at least had the sense, somehow, to don a helmet, but that wouldn’t be enough to defend whatever brain cells he had left rattling around in that fat head of his. He was so unbelievably stupid, and Kyle could relish the taste of his own medicine that Eric was about to receive.
“Do it,” the redhead called up in excitement. “Do it!”
“I’m gonna!” Cartman shouted indignantly from his perch up on the roof. How the fatass even got up there in the first place was miraculous in its own right. This entire morning was a miracle, Kyle could conclude.
“I wouldn’t if I were you,” Craig commented loudly for Cartman to hear, somewhere in the small group behind him. Kyle gritted his teeth.
“Those wings don’t look very strong,” added Token. Oh, please, Kyle thought. This was going to be the greatest day of their lives.
“Don’t listen to ‘em, Cartman!” Kyle hurriedly interjected before Eric could change his mind. Meeting the idiot’s eyes, he mustered up his most encouraging smile. “I’m sure it’ll work. Go for it! Yaaay, Cartman, fly fly fly!”
Much to Kyle’s delight, Eric listened, taking another step forward towards the edge of his roof. “‘Kay, here we go.” Kyle watched as the boy took a deep breath and cleared his throat, merely rolling his eyes in response. “Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day, let us go on to-“
“Aww, go on and do it already!” Kyle shouted. This couldn’t happen soon enough. It had to be Cartman’s greatest idea, amongst all his idiotic failure schemes. This was the best one yet.
“Hold on, I’m givin’ my speech!” Cartman yelled back. “On this historic day, we remember the Wright Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose dreams and visions inspired generations...”
“He’s not gonna do it,” Stan mumbled to Kenny, shaking his head. Kyle begged to differ - Cartman was more than stupid enough to try and pull this off. All they had to do was wait.
“And now, again, one man’s vision ushers in a new era of aerial travel, proving the power of imagination and intellect. The magic... of flight!”
Kyle watched as Eric began to flap his poorly-constructed wings, finally taking his leap of faith off the roof. The boys gathered around all stared wide-eyed as his body sailed straight towards the ground, landing motionless in the snow with a muffled sound. Then, silence.
For one horrible moment, Kyle actually felt guilty for encouraging the stupid idea. Staring at the unmoving lump that was Cartman’s form on the cold ground, the ginger almost regretted it.
But Stan began to walk away, which snapped Kyle out of his own train of thought. It wasn’t his fault, it was Cartman’s. It was his dumb idea and he deserved some broken bones anyway. After all, there was no one he tormented and bullied more than Kyle.
This was just the top rung of Cartman’s ladder of terrible ideas, and Kyle didn’t need to stick around for the aftermath. He turned and followed Stan, knowing that their asshole ‘friend’ would be back to his awful self before long, no doubt composing another ridiculous scheme.