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Stiles’ fingers were drumming against the steering wheel, a futile attempt at making the movement seem relaxed, unbothered, despite the tension coiling the muscles of his entire body, making him feel like he was just about to snap apart. He turned the radio up when he heard a long sigh echoing beside him. He could do this. He could be in the same space with Derek again and be civil about it. Totally.
“ How did you find me?” Derek raised his voice, almost having to yell over the song playing on the radio.
“ I had an internship at the FBI. They showed us your case file in class.”
“ And you decided to leave all that and come get me out? Why?” Stiles started searching for a lake to sink them in or a bridge to jump the car off of. He would take anything that didn’t involve having this conversation with Derek. Having anything to do with Derek.
“ They need all the help they can get in Beacon Hills.”
“ Really? That’s the reason you’re going with?” Stiles had enough.
“ Let’s get one thing straight here; we’re not friends, Derek. You can’t be all buddy-buddy with me. I don’t owe you anything, no answers, nothing. I only got you out of that black site because it is the decent thing to do. I would have done it for literally anyone. It means nothing. You are in my car right now because Scott needs us back home. That’s it. If he didn’t, I probably would have left your ass in the desert somewhere. So, don’t turn this into something it’s not. This is a means to an end. We’ll be out of each other’s life again soon enough.” And because Stiles was the luckiest son of a bitch around, they drove right into a warzone. Hunters were shooting at Scott and Malia. Lydia and Peter were hiding behind one of the further walls. Derek got out of the Jeep, easily shifting with a resonant roar. Once he started attacking the hunters, everyone else joined in; Scott, Malia, Peter, Liam appeared out of nowhere and took out two hunters. Lydia had her banshee super-scream and Stiles figured he would just drive through as many of them as he could.
About half an hour later, most of them were dead, and those that survived, scattered, and the pack wasn’t in the mood for a chase. Especially when they didn’t know what was still waiting for them out there. They regrouped around Deucalion’s dead body – which caught Stiles by surprise because he hadn’t realized he was on their team now. Scott looked like he was going under though, so Stiles figured Deucalion must have played a bigger role than he’d assumed.
“ Are you okay?” Stiles asked, forcing Scott’s eyes away from Deucalion and onto him.
“ What are you doing here?” Scott wrapped his arms around Stiles, buried his nose into his shoulder, and finally let himself miss his best friend.
“ Where else would I be? You obviously need me.”
“ I always need you. God, it’s good to see you.” Stiles felt himself relax into his best friend’s embrace, allow himself the sense of sanctuary, of stability. So much had changed since they’d graduated high school, but this – what he and Scott had together – would always feel like coming home.
“ Good to see you too, Scotty.” Stiles peeled himself off his friend, left a reassuring grip on his shoulder.
“ Okay, give me the updates. What are we up against? What’s the plan? My dad told me bits and pieces but you know how he is.” Scott huffed out an entertained chuckle, turning to check over the small crowd around them, and that was when he saw Derek for the first time.
“ Derek is here? How is he – “ Scott looked back at Stiles, searching for any signs of distress, of cracks reopening, holes deepening and swallowing more of Stiles.
“ Long story. He’s here to help. Let’s move this somewhere safe and you can fill us in.”
And so they did. Scott and Lydia and Malia got in the backseat of Stiles’ Jeep, Liam in the passenger seat, and Peter and Derek decided to find their own way to Deaton’s clinic. Stiles called the sheriff, informed him that he made it back to Beacon Hills, and told him to grab Parrish and meet them at the clinic. Scott called Chris and Melissa, while Liam called Mason and Corey. Everyone was trying to rile up as many people as they could. Stiles could tell, they were going up against something that would probably win. He stopped himself from thinking of all the things he could lose in the process.
Deaton was already waiting in the clinic when they got there. They filled up the space; Stiles and Lydia catching up in one corner, Malia and Scott receiving updates from Chris concerning the hunters. The sheriff had picked Melissa up on the way, so he, Parrish, and Melissa all arrived at the same time, followed by Derek and Peter. The sheriff gravitated towards his son, wrapping so tightly around him, he thought he’d never be able to let go again.
“ Alright, since most of us are already here, let me catch everybody up. The people that were shooting at us today are Gerard’s hunters. There is an army of them now, and they want to kill every supernatural creature in Beacon Hills. Starting with me and my pack.” Scott’s voice was authoritative, controlled despite the urgency of the topic he was discussing. “ They are not our number one priority though. There is this monster that was released after the wild hunt; it’s called the Anuk-Ite. It’s basically a faceless monster that took over the body of a kid at school - a werewolf - and is now running around town, turning people to stone.”
“ It does what now?” Stiles snorted, bewildered by the absurdity of their new reality.
“ Yeah. It manifests itself in the form of your worst fear, and once you look at it, you’re dead. Whatever creature it takes the shape of, it absorbs its own powers and characteristics. So, if it feeds on me for example, then it has all the powers of a true alpha, but also all the weaknesses of a werewolf. We still don’t totally understand how it works, to be honest. That’s why Deucalion was helping Malia and I out earlier; we figured no one knows about fighting blind more than he does. Or – did.” Scott paused, his train of thought fading into the sound of that very first gunshot that flew past him. Morphing into the sound that Deucalion’s knees made, right when he started hitting the ground. Stiles sighed, gently bumped his shoulder into Scott’s, grounding him without having to do much at all.
“ Anyway, we have reason to believe Gerard made a deal with the Anuk-Ite. Whichever one managed to wipe us out first, wins control over the town, basically. The Anuk-Ite went after my mom at the hospital, and the sheriff at the station. Despite them both being human. It will attack any and every soft spot any of us has so, I don’t know, just be aware of your surroundings, communicate with the people you love and who love you, and call in anybody you possibly can. It’s – I don’t know how we’re going to make it out of this one. I know that we probably will, but just – it’s just bad. This time, it’s really fucking bad. But at least we’re all together.” Scott lifted his arm, found the hand that Stiles had against his shoulder and covered it with his own. Stiles grinned, nodding reassuringly at his worried-looking best friend.
“ I – uh, Cora and Isaac are coming back.” Derek interrupted, wanting to have anything to offer. Scott looked up at him but Stiles looked away, making it a point not to give Derek any of his attention. It would make it easier for him to forget all about his proximity.
“ Good. That’s, yeah, that’s great. Do you have a place to stay?”
“ We’ll figure something out. Peter’s new place is too small and the house isn’t exactly habitable.”
“ You can stay with us.” The sheriff offered, his expression unwilling, like he didn’t really want him to accept.
“ Thanks for the offer, sheriff, but I wouldn’t want to overstep. I’ll find a hotel or a motel or something until this thing is sorted.”
“ It’s no problem. Staying alone in a hotel isn’t exactly safe, given the circumstances.”
“ I’ll just stay at Scott’s the next few days.” Stiles cleared his throat, not needing to run it by Scott, because he knew he would always be welcomed there. Despite Ms. McCall’s complaints, he knew she loved him.
“ Sounds good. Stiles, you’re with Scott. Derek, here are the keys. I have a shift to go back to, but call in if you need help with anything.” The sheriff dropped his keys on the table, patted Stiles’ shoulder on his way out. Parrish followed after him.
Once there was an empty space beside Stiles, Lydia moved around the rest of the crowd to fill it. She rested her head against Stiles’ shoulder, waited for his attempt at a smile, before lifting her head off. Deaton and Chris took over the conversation; each of them offering information concerning the enemy they knew. Chris about his dad and the hunters. Deaton about the Anuk-Ite. When things got too technical with no easy solution in sight, Stiles excused himself, said he needed some air.
He took a few steps away from the clinic, his eyes taking in the large forest in front of him. He could still remember the smell of the mud that night he took Scott out to look for a dead body cut in half. He remembered seeing Derek for the first time, trying so hard to appear threatening, to scare them off. And he was scared. He was intimidated by Derek for a long time, but when that vacant shell started to tear around the seams, and Stiles got an insight into the person buried under the years of trauma and loss and pain, he couldn’t help how easily and unabashedly he started falling for him. He tried to reel it in every time Derek looked up at him with those sad, brownish-green eyes, or during the nights they’d spend researching some big bad and would end up waking up much closer to one another than they'd been the night before. He denied it whenever Scott mentioned his scent softening when Derek was around. But when the alpha pack was there and Stiles found Derek passed out in the elevator, he couldn’t force himself away from Derek no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t put a name to it or even attempt to justify it. He just hovered, and then Derek got used to it. So, when Stiles left right after a pack meeting one night, he went home and Derek was already there, wondering why Stiles thought it was an okay thing to do; to leave like that. Like Derek wouldn’t miss their private time together after everyone had gone home. Stiles didn’t say anything of substance; kept jumping from topic to topic, until Derek asked him if he was embarrassed by him. Stiles couldn’t find the words to respond to that, so he went in for a haphazard kiss. Derek returned it like he’d been waiting for it all his life.
From that point on, they were inseparable and there was no shame about it. It was comfortable and easy and fulfilling in ways that very few things were. And much like any good thing in their life, it came crashing down and they had no way to stop it. Kate came back and kidnapped Scott and tried turning him into a super-creature with no mind of his own, that she could use to torture and kill the Hales and everyone who had ever stood by them. Derek got hurt pretty bad during that fight. Bad enough that he actually died. But he came back as a fully-shifted wolf and saved the day. With that transformation, he feared nothing would ever be the same again. He knew, there was no going back from there. Not until he’d figured out his new vessel. He didn’t give Stiles much of a choice. He didn’t have the mental capacity to come up with a reasonable goodbye, so he left before Stiles could come and see him leave.
He did text Stiles an essay-long justification of why he did what he did and why he couldn’t come back for a very long time. He tried to make it as detailed and open-hearted as possible, but Stiles wasn’t one to take abandonment lightly. In Derek’s case, he took it extra hard. He responded to his text with a fuck you, then called him a few days later to say his piece. For the two years since that, there had been no contact between them. Stiles and Cora occasionally texted. Malia and Derek met up twice, outside of Beacon Hills. But that was all there was to it. Stiles and Derek were over, leaving Stiles bitter and angry every time he thought of how the decision was taken out of his hands. How he was forced into a heartbreak that he never wholly recovered from. And now, everything was coming back up and it was a lot. Too much.
“ Are you sure you’re okay with me staying at your house?” Stiles jumped, hand against his chest. Derek’s eyes were wide and unexpectant, surprised by Stiles’ reaction too.
“ Jesus, I didn’t hear you,” Stiles exhaled, turned away from Derek again, “ Technically, it’s my dad’s house. If he’s okay with it, then I don’t really care.”
“ You keep saying that.” Derek rolled his eyes, his irritation seeping through for the first time since he got in the car with Stiles.
“ What? That I don’t care? Because I don’t.”
“ I get it.” Derek gritted out, kind of wishing he hadn’t come out to find Stiles at all. Stiles nodded, turned to walk back into the clinic now that his solitude had been interrupted.
“ Is there something going on between you and Lydia?” Stiles paused, tilted his head back to find Derek’s challenging expression.
“ What?” Stiles must have heard him wrong. There was no way he’d said what Stiles thought he’d said.
“ Are you dating Lydia?” Derek repeated.
“ You did not just ask me that.” Stiles shook his head in disbelief.
“ It’s okay if you are, I just want to know, because – “
“ It’s okay? What the fuck? Who do you think you are? You think I’m waiting for your permission or acceptance to be in a relationship with someone? You think you have any right to ask me whether or not I am in a relationship? Have the past couple of years eaten at your fucking brains, Derek? Because there is no way you have the audacity to ask me this shit.”
“ Stiles,” Derek was trying to backtrack, take back his question or put it differently. Anything to keep Stiles from losing his shit.
“ No, no, fuck you, Derek. You can go fuck yourself. Don’t talk to me again. Entitled fucking asshole.”
Stiles walked away from Derek, stood at the front door of the clinic and called out for Scott twice before he came running out. He was trying to contain the implosion that was seemingly happening to his friend, hands against his shoulders, a concerned frown between his eyebrows. Stiles didn’t look like he was having any of it. He just wanted to leave. Scott didn’t even go back into the clinic, he just nodded, followed Stiles to his Jeep, and got his phone out to text his mom that he was leaving with Stiles. His eyes caught Derek’s, but he didn’t have the time to decipher and interpret whatever silent message he was trying to deliver.
Scott got into the Jeep, silently fastened his seatbelt, and waited for Stiles to give him the thread that he would have to pull to unravel everything that Stiles had entangled all around him. Stiles was quietly fuming, taking deep, fiery breaths. They got to the first red light, and Stiles punched his hand against the steering wheel. Again and again until the air stank of ache.
“ I hate him. I hate him so much.” Stiles whispered, when the red light turned green, and he took a left to Scott’s house.
“ I’m guessing we’re talking about Derek here. What did he do?”
“ He thinks he can just.. come back here, and ask me if there is something going on between Lydia and me. Like he has any right to know about my love life. I haven’t heard from the man in two fucking years and he thinks he can – fuck, the nerve on the guy to just ask me that.”
“ Why is he back anyway?”
“ He’s back because my stupid ass couldn’t let him rot in an FBI black site somewhere. I just had to get him out and drive him all the way here because dad told me you could use his help.”
“ A black site, huh?”
“ Do not look so amused. You’re basically the reason why I had that road trip from hell with him. This is all your fault.” Stiles poked Scott’s chest, rolling his eyes when he erupted into laughter. Now that he was far away from Derek, he could find the humor in the awkwardness of the situation. Maybe he did overreact a little, but Derek had no business asking him any questions at all let alone something so personal.
“ Was the drive really that bad?”
“ Don’t ask me that. I hate him, of course it was bad.”
“ Do you though?”
“ Are you trying to get thrown out of the car? Because at this point, I will do it, if you don’t shut the hell up.”
“ Okay, okay, I’ll shut up,” Scott chuckled, grateful that the worst seemed to be over, “ You’re okay, though, right?”
“ Honestly, I don’t know. I didn’t think I would have to see him again, you know. Or like, I figured by the time it happened, I would have a husband or wife, a kid on the way, a big ass house. I thought I would be well over him, it wouldn’t even matter if I saw him.”
“ It has been two years, Stiles.”
“ I know,” Stiles sighed, subdued, defeated, “ Do you think I was too hard on him?”
“ You know I’m on your side no matter what, and you’re allowed to be as angry as you want for as long as you need to, but – he did seem genuinely upset.”
“ He wasn’t upset. He doesn’t give a damn. His ego was probably bruised because I’ve been avoiding him. Maybe he was curious about me and Lydia, but upset? Nah. I’ve learned the hard way that nothing I say or do ever matters to him.”
“ That is.. not exactly true.”
“ What are you talking about?”
“ Okay, shit, so remember Mexico? When Derek bailed without saying goodbye?” Scott looked weary, like he was about to say something to Stiles that he really didn't want to.
“ Not something I can forget really.” Stiles winced, feeling a phantom ache around his chest. A faded reminder of the excruciating pain of being left behind by the person he thought he would have a lifetime with.
“ After your back-and-forth texting and that phone call, Derek called me.”
“ What?”
“ He was freaking out, doubting everything. He didn’t know if he should just come back and face the consequences, or stay far away, look for Kate and finish her for good, then work on controlling his new powers. He was a mess. He made me promise to stay with you for the first few nights. Give him weekly updates. And – I did. I talked to him every single Friday for three months. Then, the calls started coming in once a month, then once every three months. That went on for the first year. The second year, he called me maybe twice. Once after a bad fight where he got hurt and thought he would die alone. The other time was on your eighteenth birthday.”
“ And you – you didn’t think to mention this to me? Two years, man. Tens of phone calls and – I didn’t deserve to know of any of them?”
“ I know I should have, and I’m not going to make any excuses for myself. I fucked up, and I’m sorry. But Derek made me promise not to say anything because he assumed you would tell me to shut it down and not give him any information about you. And I guess, when I saw how roughly you were taking it, I didn’t want to pile on and keep bringing him up.”
“ Got it.” Stiles nodded once. Everything about him was so visibly shutting down, withdrawing from the betrayal and the abandonment and the expectations.
“ Stiles, please don’t be mad at me. There is so much going on and I – I can’t go into this thing with you mad at me. If we don’t make it out, I wouldn’t – I don’t want to – “
“ I’m not mad at you. I just – I’m caught off guard, that’s all. But – you’re my brother, Scott, and I love you. Whatever happens.”
“ I love you too, man.”
By the time they made it to the McCall’s, all was disregarded. They heated up some leftover food, played some PlayStation, then napped until Scott’s phone started ringing, shortly joined by Stiles’. Stiles groaned, pushed one of Scott’s legs off to be able to sit up and answer his phone.
“ Stiles, long time no see.”
“ Cora? It’s good hearing your voice and all, but maybe we can pick this up later.”
“ No can do, I’m afraid. We’re headed to the school. Grab Scott and meet us there. We won’t go in until we’re all together.”
“ Who’s we?”
“ Literally everybody, except for the parents and Deaton. We don’t want to take any unnecessary risks.”
“ Fine, I’ll wake Scott up. We’ll be there in half an hour.”
Stiles didn’t have time to be gentle about any of it, so he pushed Scott off the couch when he took too long to respond. He rushed into the bathroom to brush his teeth, then took some of Scott’s clothes because he was too lazy to run back out to the car and grab his own luggage. Scott grabbed an apple on his way to the front door and then they were driving to school. Stiles hadn’t been there since graduation. He still had this fluttery feeling in his stomach, like he missed it. He missed everything he had when he was still in school. He missed who he was – and who he was with.
When they got to the school, everyone was waiting by the front gate. Stiles spared Scott a worried glance, getting out of his Jeep. The crowd dispersed to make room for them; Scott next to Malia, Stiles between Lydia and Cora. Derek didn’t know where to look, didn’t know what to do with his eyes or his hands or – himself. Everything felt all wrong with Stiles so pissed at him.
“ What’s going on?” Scott questioned the group as a whole.
“ Since most of the pack has returned to Beacon Hills, and with the agreement between the Anuk-Ite and the hunters, we figured they would ambush us soon enough. So, we thought we would beat them to it. The Anuk-Ite will be drawn to our collective powers, and the hunters will follow. The school is big enough for all of us to divide and conquer and there is no one here that could get hurt in the crossfire. It’s the perfect plan.”
“ I wouldn’t call this perfect. Especially since, you know, we’re going to be outnumbered. Oh, and also we don’t know how to kill the fucking thing.” Stiles irritably noted.
“ It’s the best we could do. We can’t just sit around and wait for them to take us out one at a time.”
“ Fine. If we’re going to do this, we can’t all be here.” Stiles sighed, hating everything about this.
“ What do you mean? The point of all of this is that we’re all together, everyone they want to get rid of in one place.”
“ That’s not everyone. What about my dad? Parrish? Melissa? Liam’s dad? Everyone here has family or friends or just someone they give a fuck about, that they could go after and they would be left defenseless. So we will be getting ourselves killed here, and they will be getting killed out there.”
“ Dammit, he’s right.”
“ Okay, here is what we’re going to do,” Scott stepped in, so comfortable in his leadership role now that he was respected and supported by everyone around him. He didn’t have to prove himself anymore. “ Liam, Mason, and Corey, you go to the hospital, stay there until we communicate with you somehow that it’s safe. Jackson and Ethan, you take the station. The rest of us will stay here, with our eyes closed and fight.”
“ Eyes closed. And fight. Human. Against hunters with guns and a supernatural mythical creature that we don’t know how to kill. Piece of cake.” Stiles couldn’t help but think of how mad their situation was. Rationally, there was just no way they weren’t all about to die in that school. And Stiles didn’t even have the time to process the fact that he was about to lose everything. That he was probably going to die and leave his dad all alone. Or maybe his dad was going to die too. Maybe they would shoot him to death right when they shoot Stiles too, and they would die together despite physically being in different places. There was something grimly poetic about it. Stiles didn’t think he appreciated this specific type of irony though.
“ Let’s split up. Each two will take a floor.”
“ I’ll take Peter.” Lydia announced.
“ I’ll go with Scott.” Malia followed.
“ I’ve got Isaac.” Stiles thought he saw Derek’s mouth open, right before he spoke, and then it fell shut again. He didn’t know if he wanted Derek to be there when he died. He didn’t think he could bear being unable to stop Derek from leaving him. Again. This was better; easier. They never got the chance to say their goodbyes the first time anyway, why should this time be any different?
“ I guess that leaves Derek and I together.” Cora softly spoke, looking at her brother with sympathy in her eyes.
“ No matter what you do, make sure your eyes are closed. Don’t look at it. And remember that it plays into every insecurity and fear you have. Doesn’t mean it’s real.” Scott advised, looking at every single person in front of him. Each of them offered some sort of sign of understanding, their circle breaking as each pair stood together. Scott found Stiles, gave him a desperate hug layered in finality. A kind of goodbye he would never be able to say, but he needed to give. Just in case.
“ Be careful in there.” Stiles whispered, earning himself a nod from Scott, before they had to let go of one another, and go their separate ways.
Stiles and Isaac took the basement floor, which made no sense since Stiles was the only human in the group and he only had Isaac with him who happened to be a beta, not even an alpha. The basement was the scariest floor too, so they had nothing working for them.
“ So, how weird was it seeing Derek again?” Stiles didn’t know how many more times he would have to discuss this thing. Couldn’t they tell he was trying to pretend nothing was happening at all? How would that work if they kept bringing Derek up?
“ Why would it be weird? You left before he did.”
“ Yeah but you and I weren’t romantically involved.”
“ Who said Derek and I were?”
“ Come on, Stiles. I know I left a long time ago, but even then, you two were so clearly connected in a way that the rest of us weren’t. I could smell it on you both back then. I smelled it today too.”
“ Smelled what?”
“ Longing. A deep aching that isn’t physical. Yearning.” Stiles felt the bitterness inside him intensifying at the thought of Derek smelling anything like that when he was around. He lost all rights to feel any of that for Stiles.
“ You couldn’t smell heartbreak and resentment in there too? Because I sure as hell am filled with those.”
“ Oh I know. Obviously, so is he.”
“ What are you talking about?” Stiles pointed the flashlight he had in hand away from Isaac, in case it was revealing more than any of them was willing to share.
“ He looks like a wounded puppy, Stiles.” Isaac huffed out an amused chuckle. “ I’ve seen him pouty and broody before, but this is different. Even when you said we’d pair up together, you could tell he was about to say something about it but stopped himself.”
“ Yeah, I know.”
“ Did you want him to say something?”
“ Of course not. It wouldn’t have changed anything. There is no way in hell I would have gone with him.”
“ Wow, you’re really pissed at him, huh?” Stiles opened his mouth to respond, but Isaac paused, put an arm across Stiles’ chest. Stiles held his breath, figured something or someone was coming.
“ What is it?” Stiles whispered as quietly as he could.
“ I think I can hear someone calling for you.”
“ What? Who would do that?”
“ Derek. I’m pretty sure it’s Derek.”
“ What the – he’s calling for me specifically?”
“ He’s more like.. talking at you. He – “ Like a petrified little child, pleading for something that he would never be deserving of, Stiles heard Derek’s voice for himself. Distant and faded but the desperation was unmistakable. His voice cracked around Stiles’ name and Stiles was instantly moving away from Isaac, trying to spare Derek. To save him from whatever was tormenting him.
“ Stiles, what if it’s a trap? What if this isn’t even Derek at all and it’s the Anuk-Ite trying to get to you?” Stiles heard Derek cry out his name, like a phantom of his past. Like that Derek that he’d loved and lost was calling for him and – how could Stiles not respond? How could he not chase after him? He’d let him go years ago, had stopped himself from searching for him because he knew he didn’t want to be found. He knew Derek didn’t want to be guilt-tripped into returning to Beacon Hills. To Stiles. So, against everything that was tearing apart within Stiles, he held himself together, and stayed behind. But now, there was a call for help in the air in Stiles’ literal name, and he couldn’t hold himself back any more.
“ I have to go find him, Isaac. I – I’ll send Cora to help you out. You just stick to the plan, close your eyes if you have any company.” With a pat to Isaac’s shoulder, Stiles started running down the hallway, taking the steps two at a time, until he made it to the second floor that Derek and Cora were supposed to be at. He followed the sound of Derek begging for some sort of release, agonized and wretched. Cora was trying to yell over the sound of his own undoing, promising him that it wasn’t real, reminding him to keep his eyes closed. Stiles tore through his shirt, taking a piece of the fabric to cover his eyes with, because he couldn’t trust himself to keep them closed with Derek breaking apart so close by.
“ Derek? What’s going on?” Stiles blindly touched around the classroom, bumping into desks and chairs and so much shit that he’d forgotten the placing of.
“ Don’t open your eyes, Stiles, the Anuk-Ite is here and – I think it’s doing something to Derek. I don’t know what he’s seeing but – “ Cora explained, her voice almost as distant as Derek’s. Stiles understood that they were both probably next to one another. Which meant, the Anuk-Ite could get to Cora after finishing Derek.
“ Cora, get out of here. Go to the basement floor, Isaac is there alone.”
“ I can’t just leave him!”
“ I’ll stay with him. I’ll get him out of here, I promise.” Stiles thought he heard her whisper something into her brother’s ear about loving him, about him having to make it out of this alive, before Stiles listened to her rushed steps, fading into the distance.
“ You can’t touch him. Don’t come near him.” Derek warned.
“ Who are you talking about? What are you seeing, Derek?” Stiles touched against a long table, which he assumed meant they were in a science lab. There were oddly shaped bottles, a sink right in the middle. His hands moved from one seat to the other, from one object to another, until his hands fell against something like a hunched back, that was trembling beneath his fingers.
“ Derek! Hey, hey, I’m here, whatever it is you’re seeing, it’s not real. I am real and I am here, with you.” Derek groaned, made no movement towards Stiles. Stiles assumed he was still wrapped up in whatever nightmare scenario he was reliving.
“ Why are you doing this? What more do you fucking want from me? I – I gave you everything. I gave up the one person I ever gave a fuck about to make sure you wouldn’t get to him and – you still want to take him away. He has done nothing to deserve this. Leave him alone.” Despite Derek’s threatening words, his voice trembled like he was despairing. Like he was begging.
“ Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real, Derek. Come on, man, snap out of it.”
“ I’m sorry. God, I’m – I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to do.” Derek went to exhale, but it fell short. Stiles heard the exact moment he’d started crying. Being part of Derek’s world for so long, Stiles had seen him go through a lot. He’d seen him angry and he’d seen him hopeless. He’d seen him fight through unbearable shit. He’d seen him crawl through his window in the middle of the night, seeking out some form of release. Just wanting to feel less alone. To feel like the crushing weight of the world that was resting on his shoulders, wouldn’t completely collapse on top of him and bury him under. But Stiles didn’t think he’d heard him sound like that since – probably since the alpha pack put his claws through Boyd’s chest and let him feel his heart as it stopped pulsing. Made him feel every last drop of life draining out of him. That was a night that Stiles wasn’t sure Derek could make it through. It felt like Derek would just die along with Boyd, right then and there.
“ You’re not.. you’re not here, Kate. You can’t hurt me. You can’t hurt anyone.”
“ Kate is dead, Derek. This is the Anuk-Ite.” Stiles was trying to tug at Derek, touch him hard enough to ground him to what was actually happening.
“ I messed everything up. He – he hates me. He can’t even look at me without – he doesn’t care enough to come after me. He is not here. This is not real.”
“ Oh no, we’re not doing this right now. Especially not under the influence of some dark creature that wants to kill us all.” Through the thin fabric across his eyes, Stiles could see Derek’s feet as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other, like he was in physical pain. Then, he saw by the very corner of his eyes, another pair of legs. Stiles assumed those looked like Kate to Derek, but to him, they were an older woman’s legs. He thought he started hearing his mother’s voice in his head, coaxing him to open his eyes, to see her one more time. She was promising a goodbye that was long overdue. Stiles tried to tell himself it wasn’t her. This wasn’t the closure he’d been longing for since she died. This wouldn’t give him the release he ached for. This would just be another way to lose her; another traumatizing encounter with a woman looking like his mother, even sounding like his mother, but other than that, she was nothing like the woman he convinced himself he’d lost. She was more like the woman that stood on a roof and screamed that Stiles was killing her just by being her son. That was the woman whispering in his ear right now. Nothing more.
“ I have to see for myself. I have to show him how – how much I’d hated myself every single day that I spent away from him. How hard I’d tried to do better by him. How – I searched everywhere, tried everything, to find Kate and kill her once and for all before she could hurt him anymore. He doesn’t – he doesn’t know what walking away from him did to me. He doesn’t know and he – he has to know. I need to show him.”
“ No, no, stop, fuck we have to move, come on, let’s get out of here.” Stiles went to grab at what he assumed was Derek’s arm, but Derek had his claws out, was trying to push Kate away, pierce through this illusion of her. His claws grazed Stiles’ stomach, pulling a hiss from Stiles that was enough to tear right through the fog and anchor him. The scent of Stiles’ blood hit Derek like they were drowning in it.
“ Oh my God, Stiles, are you okay?” Derek started to open his eyes, every logical thought clouded by the scent of Stiles’ blood, by the sound of his discomfort.
“ Keep your eyes closed. I’m fine. I’m okay.” Derek’s hands touched around until they grasped Stiles’. Derek tried to put his arm around Stiles’ waist, carry some of his weight in case his injury was worse than he let on, but Stiles wasn’t having it.
“ It’s just a scratch. Let’s just get out of here.”
“ I’m – I’m sorry, Stiles.” And if that wasn’t a loaded statement, Stiles didn’t know what was. They walked out of the classroom, back into the hallway before Derek opened his eyes, and Stiles took off his blindfold. He looked down on his stomach, to find three long scratches across his torso, tearing through what was left of his shirt. Derek’s claws broke through the first layer of skin, maybe the second too, but he wouldn’t even need stitches for it. It stung a little but that was pretty much it. It could have been the adrenaline numbing the pain for now but he’d take it.
“ Jesus, Stiles, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was trying to get Kate away from me but – I didn’t even know you were there.” Derek’s fingers fell against Stiles’ bare skin, spreading goosebumps through him that he blamed on the weather.
“ I know you didn’t. It’s fine, Derek.” Stiles stepped away from Derek’s touch, but kept his hand on Derek’s to stop it from falling helplessly by his side. He didn’t want to be cruel.
“ Cora and Isaac are supposed to be at the basement floor, so we’ll take this one, let’s see – “ Derek tilted his head away from Stiles, hearing the approaching feet at the same time as the gun shooting once. He looked at the two hunters standing in front of him, then back at Stiles who was instantly frantic, his mouth opening around words that Derek couldn’t quite hear. It was like he’d been submerged, drowned into so many layers of water that not even Stiles’ voice could break through the surface. He pushed Stiles away to hide behind the lockers, moved to follow after him but his legs folded beneath him, his knees crashing into the floor one at a time, before the rest of his body followed.
He could see Stiles – sweet, giving, caring Stiles – screaming out things, probably telling him to move, or calling for help. His eyes were filled with panicked tears, looking away from Derek to see what was happening with the hunters, before staring right back at Derek. It was the first time that Derek saw emotion in Stiles’ eyes looking at him. He missed being looked at like that. He missed being feared for. He thought Stiles held nothing for him anymore. He thought he’d lost this forever.
Stiles patted his pockets, tried to find something to use as a weapon. He remembered the small gun he had wrapped around his ankle. It was one of his dad’s guns that he started giving to him after learning about the existence of the supernatural world. He took it out, made sure it was loaded, before he stepped out, shooting twice to put each of the hunters down. He got one in the leg, and the other in the stomach, because he didn’t want to shoot to kill. He just wanted them gone, and they were.
Once Stiles dropped next to Derek, it was like a switch flicked inside him, and he reconnected with his surroundings. He was aware of Stiles’ hands trying to turn him on his back, of Stiles huffing and puffing because despite growing more into his body the past few years, Derek was still much heavier than him.
“ Okay, okay, there is just one shot in your chest that we need to get out and you’ll be fine.”
“ It’s – a worse type of wolfsbane. We have to – oh fuck, burn it out with actual fire, not just the same type of wolfsbane.”
“ Shit, okay, back to the science lab we go.” Stiles helped Derek up to his feet, carried most of his weight as he walked them both into the classroom. Derek couldn’t help but marvel upon his willingness to pour everything he had into someone who’d shown him nothing but desertion and heartbreak. It was so odd, how he was still desperately trying to save him, after claiming for so long that he no longer mattered.
Stiles dropped Derek on one of the high chairs, turned on the burner and heaved in a choked breath. He’d thought he would want Derek to suffer for what he did to him, for what he left him with. He’d want him to experience the kind of pain that stopped a heart from beating. But he didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be the one to inflict the pain. He didn’t want to have to watch.
“ It’s going to get to my heart and kill me if we don’t act fast, Stiles.”
“ I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t just – do this to you.”
“ I know, but I’m going to die without it. We’ve been through this before, remember? When you almost had to cut off my arm?” Derek gasped out a breath that he thought would be something of a laugh. Stiles wiped a hand down his face, tried to contain the way he was breaking over Derek again.
“ You can do it, Stiles. I trust you. I know you wouldn’t want to cause me any harm, even if – “ Stiles brought the burner to Derek’s chest, his howls echoing in the air around them, Stiles feared they would break through the glass windows. But then, Derek limply fell off the chair, and Stiles fell with him. He put his head in his lap, decided to give himself a moment to take Derek in. To admit that he’d missed him something terrible. That he was still every bit as in love with him as he’d always been. Just one moment of existing with Derek like he still had every right to.
That was all he let himself have though, because then, he was resituating Derek, making sure he was well-hidden, before locking the lab behind him and running to join the rest of them. He thought of something in those few blissful moments he got to have with Derek, and he needed to run it by Lydia and Scott. He found Lydia first, in the first floor, alone after Peter had opened his eyes and turned to stone. He took her by the hand and they ran together to the third floor which was supposed to be Scott’s and Malia’s. They found them fighting off a group of hunters. Lydia let out one of her banshee screams and they were thrown through the glass window of one of the classes. Stiles told them his wolfsbane idea, remembering Deaton explaining that one of the students the Anuk-Ite had consumed the power of was a werewolf. With the right type and amount of wolfsbane, it should be killed like any other werewolf. Since they didn’t have any better ideas, they figured they would go with this one.
Stiles and Lydia found disregarded bullets from the hunters’ guns, and two guns that the hunters lost when Lydia threw them away with her mere voice. They started melting them into one big bowl in a science lab, turning them into liquid. They left it to solidify again into one block of wolfsbane. They took that to the grinder that was there for gardening purposes, and that left them with enough powdered wolfsbane to trap and kill a pack of alphas.
Scott decided that they should all regroup in the library, act as a collective bait for the Anuk-Ite. Lydia went with Scott and Malia, and Stiles went to make sure Derek was still where he left him, grab Isaac and Cora and meet the rest of them in the library. Derek was untouched, and the lab was still locked, so Stiles forced himself away from that floor all together. Cora almost tore right through Stiles, thinking he was a hunter or the Anuk-Ite coming after her again. Isaac’s stoned body was standing like he’d opened his eyes to attack and was stopped right before he could. Cora asked about Derek as soon as she saw Stiles. He briefly told her what happened; that he was seeing Kate but Stiles managed to get him out of there before he was shot. They burned the wolfsbane and he was left to heal somewhere. He was safe.
Walking into the library, Stiles told Cora to close her eyes and he did the same. She joined the group in the middle of Scott and Malia, while Stiles hid between two aisles of books. He squinted a single eye opened to find Lydia hiding opposite of him, in a similar position. He signaled to her that they needed to jump out and throw that wolfsbane onto the Anuk-Ite without getting any of it on their werewolf friends. She nodded in understanding, preparing herself for the moment it would be standing at a distance from the circle of her friends. As soon as that happened, Stiles and Lydia came out of their hiding places, throwing the wolfsbane at the Anuk-Ite. Stiles yelled out for Scott to cover himself and the others, so he grabbed each of their hands, threw them backwards and landed on top of them to shield them from whatever was coming. The Anuk-Ite turned to stone, then it cracked apart, falling into a heap of ashes in the middle of the library.
Stiles and Lydia moved towards the rest of their friends, making sure everything was in one piece, and that no one was affected by the wolfsbane. When they turned to leave, they heard Peter chasing off the rest of the hunters. Isaac appeared soon after, bewildered and confused but safe all the same. Stiles and Cora shared a look, of gratitude, of appreciation, before he nodded at her as if telling her that she should be the one to check on Derek. That he wasn’t going to be that person anymore. There was no judgment in her eyes, as she stepped away from the group, and rushed up the stairs to get to her only brother.
“ I’m going to meet Chris at the clinic, to see what to do about the hunters thing. We can’t keep looking over our shoulders forever, you know.” Scott informed Stiles, letting Malia take one of his arms and lay it across her shoulders.
“ Yeah, you have a point. I need to go to the station to check on my dad. And I’ll call Liam to get updates on the situation at the hospital too. I’ll see you later at your house?”
“ Alright, see you then. We’ll order some burgers and milkshakes tonight.” Stiles nodded, forced on a smile, watching Scott lean into Malia, kiss the side of her head as they walked together to the clinic. At least someone found love in this doomed town. It made Stiles’ heart happy to watch his friend find that again after it was taken away from him so tragically.
“ He seems happy, huh?” Isaac’s voice pulled Stiles away from the memory lane he was going under.
“ Yeah, he does. So does she.”
“ Do you think we’re ever going to find something like that?” Stiles started to think of his idea of love; of ever allowing himself to love like that again. To trust that his love would be appreciated and reciprocated and not shoved back in his face like it was nothing.
“ You will. You could. I think I kind of gave up looking? I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me.” Stiles shrugged, laughed to himself when Isaac wrapped around him in silent consolation. Stiles didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to cry.
Over Isaac’s shoulder, he saw Derek and Cora walking out of the school, leaned against one another despite the lack of any visible injuries on either of them. Stiles pulled away from Isaac before he could see any more.
“ Are you going to be okay? Do you need a ride?”
“ No, I’m fine. I’ll wait for Lydia and Peter and ride with them.” With that, Stiles was on his way to his Jeep. He almost made it too, but then there was a grip around his arm, stopping him. He turned with his full body, already knowing that it was Derek without having to see it for himself.
“ Are you going to get that checked?” Derek flicked his eyes towards the scratch marks that were no longer bleeding, but still irritated and red.
“ It’s not a big deal, I’ll disinfect them when I can.”
“ I really am sorry, Stiles.”
“ I already told you it’s fine, Derek.” Derek nodded, not looking quite convinced, but there was nothing more he could do if Stiles kept disregarding the topic. Stiles pulled his arm from Derek’s grasp, turned around the car and opened his door, before Derek spoke again.
“ Can I ride with you?”
“ You have your own car right there.”
“ Cora will drive it. I – I need to talk to you.” Stiles sighed, got in the car and unlocked the passenger door. He wasn’t going to verbally invite Derek in. This should have been enough of a tell. Derek glanced back at Cora, needing the extra push that she offered with a comforting smile. He wordlessly got into the passenger seat, and Stiles drove away from the school.
The tension in the car was damn near suffocating, but they both seemed to be too tired to do anything about it. The closer they got to the station though, the more restless Derek became. He didn’t know how to approach this Stiles. He was afraid of pushing too hard, he would revolt the way he did the last time at the clinic. But he also didn’t want to say too little, because he was already filled with regret for all the things he failed to say, all the ways he’d wronged Stiles.
“ Where do you need me to drop you off?” Stiles questioned without so much as a glance in Derek’s direction.
“ You’re going to the station?” To that, Stiles nodded.
“ I’ll go with you then. I can ride home with the sheriff since I’m already staying there.” Stiles didn’t bother with a response at all, simply continued his steady driving.
“ Do they hurt? The scratches?”
“ Not really.”
“ Shouldn’t you spray something on them so that they don’t get infected? I heard that – “
“ Derek, is that really what you wanted to talk about?” Stiles interrupted, having had enough of the filler conversations they’d been having since Stiles got Derek out of that black site.
“ No, it’s not. I’m sorry, I just don’t know how to do this.”
“ Do what, exactly? What do you want out of this? What do you want from me?”
“ I want to tell you everything and I want you to actually listen to me. I want to help you understand why I did the things I did and – I want you to tell me how you feel too. Honestly. Not that cold, unbothered version you’ve been giving me.”
“ How I feel? In regards to what; to you? Because that ship has sailed, Derek. It sailed and it hit a massive fucking ice-berg and broke into a million pieces that now lay in the bottom of the deepest ocean. There is no saving it.”
“ I know that. I just don’t want you walking around thinking that I left because I didn’t care. That I – fell out of love with you or haven’t even loved you at all, because that’s just not true. I have loved you for so long, Stiles, before you even knew about it at all. And I have loved you when you thought I’d stopped. When you stopped too. I love you now. And I know it doesn’t matter and you don’t feel anything for me anymore but I – I don’t care how little you claim to care to know. I couldn’t let you continue to carry that load of bullshit around any longer.”
“ Why not though? I’ve been carrying it around for two years. Why are you doing this now?”
“ Because honestly, I didn’t think I would ever get the chance to do it with you face-to-face. I stopped considering the possibility of ever coming back to Beacon Hills. I told myself I had nothing to come back to anymore. And with every passing month, it felt less and less like a plausible option, and more like a missed opportunity. Every time I asked Scott about you and he told me how much you were excelling in school and your social life, it – “
“ That’s another thing; why didn’t you call me? Why did you have to ask Scott about me? And why did you tell him not to tell me about it?”
“ You were moving on, Stiles. You started dating Lydia and – “
“ Fuck no. We’re not doing this again. You left, Derek. Plain and simple. You left with no explanation, no goodbye, nothing. You didn’t even look back. Like you didn’t leave anything behind. How I chose to cope with that, has nothing to do with what you did. Don’t try to turn this into something it wasn’t. You didn’t ask about me because you cared, you did it to give yourself something to further torment yourself by. Just like that pathetic goodbye text you sent me. You knew I was never going to leave it at that, you knew that I would reach out and call you out on your bullshit, and you wanted me to. You wanted to live in that tortured role you’ve become so comfortable in. This was never about me, Derek. None of it. You didn’t love me. You didn’t leave to spare me. And you’re definitely not doing this right now to fix what you broke. And you know what? It’s fine. I understood a while ago that you didn’t have the capacity to love anyone. The last time you allowed yourself to do that, it ended with your worst nightmare coming to life. And since then, you’ve been playing that same role, over and over again. And I don’t fit in that narrative. If I did, you would have to admit that you are deserving of love. That someone would do anything for your unattainable happiness. That you don’t have to live with that survivor guilt forever. And you can’t – you can’t admit to any of that. You can’t allow yourself a life that was taken from your family. And – I’m sorry that you’re still living with that, Derek, I truly am. You had so much potential to be such a good man. I’m sorry Kate took that too from you.” Derek looked up at Stiles, tears filling up his eyes, feeling like he was seeing himself for the very first time. Stiles was the one who believed in Derek beyond any shred of doubt. He was the one who flooded him with love and care. Who saw something in him that he never knew existed. And now, Stiles was giving up on him too.
“ I’m sorry, Stiles.” Defeated, resigned, Derek whispered, putting his white flag in the air, knowing there was nothing left for him to fight for. Not when it came to Stiles.
“ I know you are.” Stiles nodded, gave Derek a hint of a smile, stopping the car in front of the station. This was it; where they would have to part ways, with no possible return.
“ I tried to do my best. I didn’t know any better.”
“ I know, Derek. It’s okay.” Stiles threw his arms around Derek, started to understand why Derek couldn’t give him a proper goodbye the first time. It hurt too damn much.
Overcome by something horrible and dire, Derek let out a single sob, bringing his hands to grab onto the back of Stiles’ shirt, probably tearing through that too. He was crying for the little boy that saw so much tragedy and trauma, he started to believe there was nothing else out there. For the man who loved so hard, it felt like a different type of heartbreak. For the man he left with the pieces of himself and nothing else. He was crying because he knew he would never find anyone to love him the way Stiles did. And he would never love anyone better than he did Stiles. If his love for Stiles ended this bad, then how could he ever expect a more fortunate ending for whichever love came next?
“ I’m going to see my dad. You take your time, then you can come in or wait in dad’s car.” Derek nodded against Stiles’ embrace, knew that he was trying to prepare him for the let go.
“ Thank you, Stiles. For everything.” Stiles squeezed Derek, one final time, before completely detaching himself, getting out of the car and walking into the station.
Derek decided not to go into the station at all. He left the key to Stiles’ Jeep with an officer at the front desk, and walked back to the Stilinski’s home. Cora was already there, looking at him with sympathy in her eyes. Like she’d always known this wouldn’t work out. That it was broken beyond repair. They spent the day together, and when the sheriff came home that night, he went straight to his room without sharing any words with either of them. Derek stopped Cora from asking him about it, knowing that whatever Stiles had brought into his office that day, was heavy and haunting. The next day, Chris came to the Stilinski’s, with Scott and Liam. He explained that Gerard was dead and the rest of his minions were either chased out of town or dead too. It was over. They saved the town and the pack and didn’t lose any of their people. They had no reason to stay anymore.
Derek took a piece of paper that he’d written the night before, handed it to Scott and told him to give it to Stiles. He said he would be leaving Beacon Hills before the next day, that this was it; their goodbye. And this time, it would stick. Scott hugged him like he’d miss him. Like he wished he didn’t have to lose him. The sheriff looked like he was going to cry but he refrained, headed back into his bedroom, but Derek stopped him with a loudly announced apology. The sheriff paused, turned back to Derek, and shook his head like Derek was still not getting it.
“ You didn’t just break my son’s heart when you left, Derek. I had all those dreams for the two of you that you tore right through. I started to believe that you two would be this in love for a few years, get married right after college, travel around to solve supernatural problems but you would always come back here. Stiles would be the sheriff after I resign and you would decide to stay with him because you couldn’t do long-distance. You would adopt a few babies, that I would spoil the hell out of. And – you would be happy. You would make my son happy. And when you abandoned him the way you did, abandoned all the rest of us too, everything came crashing down. I was scared all the time because Stiles didn’t have you to protect him anymore. He hasn’t been the same since, you know. None of us have. Everyone lost something when you left, Derek. It’s more than just a shitty breakup. You meant more than that.”
The sheriff explained, crashing Derek into his chest when he started heaving out one apology after the other. He never meant for all of this to happen. He never wanted to break Stiles’ heart, to take away the sheriff’s dreams for his son. He didn’t know it would make this much of a difference. He never understood that he was leaving so much behind. They remained wrapped into one another until Cora joined in too, pulling an amused chuckle from the sheriff. These two were only kids when they lost everything they’d ever loved and cared for. And they didn’t know how to stick to one thing since; how to attach themselves to someone and shed that fear of losing them so suddenly, like they’d never been there at all.
Scott went home, gave Stiles his letter with sad puppy-dog eyes that told him he would be there to pick up the pieces. Again. Stiles went to the guest room, closed the door behind him, got as comfortable as possible, before opening that letter.
“ Stiles, I know that I should probably be telling you all of this in person, but we all know I’m a fucking coward and honestly, I didn’t feel like putting us both through another goodbye. I know that last time I just bailed and hoped you would understand my reasoning – that I haven’t actually given to you. So here it is. In Mexico, I was dying, Stiles. Or, not even dying, I was dead. My heart stopped because I got hurt and I had given my powers up to save Cora so I was human. Or so I thought. But then, I had my full shift into a wolf and I was overwhelmed with this new sensation. I was something I didn’t know how to be. No one ever taught me about this, and the people that could, had died a long time ago. I was all alone in the face of that new thing and I didn’t know if I would be able to control it. What if I woke up one night and you were mauled beside me? What if somebody pissed me off and I ate right through them? I didn’t know what to do with myself, Stiles. I was scared. But not just from my wolf shift.
I was scared of Kate coming after you next. She’d come after my family, then me, then Scott. She never stopped coming for people every time I started to form a support system around myself. And you always have been and always will be the center of every one I form. You were my biggest support back then, the one I leaned on the most. I know I didn’t use my words but you had to have known that you were all I had, Stiles. And to stick around and possibly give Kate access to you, was a kind of fear I couldn’t ration with. So, I left before you could do it for me.
It had nothing to do with me not being in love with you. The fact that you think I never loved you at all, makes me feel like shit, because since I met you, all I did was love you, Stiles. Even when I was being a dick about it, I was trying to stop myself from falling because – well, the last time I thought I fell for someone, they ended up setting my life on fire. And that’s on me. You were right about that; I never truly handled my trauma. And I hadn’t realized it had seeped through the cracks of our relationship until it was too late. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry because if I had known that someone like you was waiting down the line for me, then I would have done everything I possibly could to healthily cope with what happened, to make myself a better man for you. Because you deserved the very best of me and you never got it. But neither have I. I don’t know what that entails, Stiles. I don’t know who that person is. And I’m so sorry that you don’t either. I’m sorry that it took me this long to give you the information you should have had all along. I’m sorry that I was a selfish coward that ran every time he got close to something incredible. I’m sorry that I made you doubt even for a single moment that you are an amazing human being. A great, lovable, kindhearted, funny, smart, fucking brave man who deserves to be loved in ways that I don’t know yet. I’m sorry for all of it, Stiles.
So, here is my offer to you; I am leaving Beacon Hills. This time, to truly work on myself. To better myself because I am tired of living life being terrified of everything, not trusting anyone, not even myself. I want to put good things into the world. Induce happy things. I want to be the man who deserves to be loved by you. The man who is capable of loving you in all the right ways. If you show up at the loft before I leave, then I will take you with me and we will take this journey together. We will get to know and get to love that version of me. But if you don’t, that is okay too. I will do all those things for the both of us. And I will come back. I don’t know when; it could be in a year, or in a decade. I will do this for however long it takes, and then I will bring that person home to you. I don’t expect you to still be there, waiting for me. It’s not fair. You’ve already stumped your growth enough because of me. No more, Stiles, please. Now you know you’ve always been loved, and you can put yourself out there again, without doubting your worth or others’ abilities to love you for exactly who you are. Live your life. Love your life. And wherever life finds you the next time we meet, I will be okay with. Even if you’re with a completely different person, I will just show you who I am. I will prove to you that I can come back and stick around. That it was never you who I was trying to outrun and leave behind, Stiles. That it would always be you for me. Always.
I love you. And I’ll see you.
Derek.”
Stiles didn’t show up before Derek and Cora left Beacon Hills. Derek tried to be okay with that, despite the pit in his stomach the size of the broken pieces of his heart that he was carrying around. It took him three more years to work through his shit. Stiles went back to his internship, finished it earlier than his expected date because he poured everything he had into it. He did nothing but work towards this thing, gave himself no time to think of anything or anyone enough to miss them. He went back to Beacon Hills on holidays, keeping that letter on him at all times. It was the only way he could do to remind himself that Derek being away was for the best. That he didn’t have to be sad and bitter all the time, because he’d been loved once by a man he thought the world of. That although it felt like Derek left with all the good things in Stiles, it wasn’t true. Stiles could be a good man outside of a relationship with Derek. He could still have good things even if he didn’t have Derek.
Then, one day, Stiles was doing his dad’s grocery shopping, when he got a text from an unknown number. It just said I’m coming home and he knew it was Derek, even before he found him making dinner with the sheriff like he’d always belonged there. He had a smile that Stiles had never seen on him before. It looked like the embodiment of release, of freedom.
Their reunion wasn’t anything spectacular or fairytale-like. Derek helped Stiles put the groceries away. They had dinner together; Stiles, Derek and the sheriff. The sheriff announced that he was retiring by the end of the year. Derek said that he would like to find a way to join the force and be an officer at his station. That he was willing to go through all the tests and training. That Stiles could help out whenever he was around. Stiles said something about an FBI office opening in a town nearby. The drive would only take an hour. He could come home at the end of every day.
Derek mentioned looking for a permanent place in Beacon Hills. The sheriff told him he knew someone who could help with that, that he could stay with them until he found a proper place. And Stiles didn’t say that he would leave if Derek stayed this time. He just smiled to himself, went to do the dishes, when Derek stopped him.
“ If you’re not okay with this, I can go. I am not trying to pressure you into anything. This doesn’t have to mean anything, if you don’t want it to. I don’t know if you have someone else or – “
“ Yes, you do. You do know that.”
“ Does that mean you don’t? It’s okay if you do.”
“ I know that. I still don’t need your permission or acceptance to get involved with someone. I just haven’t.”
“ You haven’t? Like, at all?” Derek grinned despite himself, biting down on his lips to not seem too smug.
“ I’ve dated here and there, but – yeah, no. No relationships.”
“ Me neither. You do know I’m sorry, right?”
“ Wasn’t the whole point of this for you to stop being sorry?” Stiles looked up at Derek, no judgment in his eyes.
“ Yeah, you’re right. I just wanted you to know that.”
“ I do.”
“ So, what now?”
“ I don’t know. You’re the one who went on a self-exploratory journey, what did you come up with?”
“ A lot actually. I went to therapy, worked through most of my issues. The fixable ones at least. I trained dozens of newly turned werewolves. Helped two alphas settle into their positions. Went on a country-wide road trip with Cora. Then, came back here.”
“ Where do you want to go from here?”
“ Nowhere. I want to stay right here. With you.”
“ For how long?”
“ For as long as you’ll have me. Forever.”
“ How do we do this, Derek? It’s been so long and – too much has changed.”
“ One thing stayed the same for me though; I am still stupidly in love with you.” Stiles shakily exhaled, looking between Derek’s eyes for something to scare him off. To remind him of why he forced himself to let go all those years ago.
“ We’ve got this. We know how to do this, Stiles. It’s you and me, like it always has been.” Derek stepped into Stiles’ space, stood there patiently waiting, until Stiles closed the gap between them, pecked his lips tenderly.
“ You really want to give this another try? You’ve already proved your point, you got your redemption arc. You can walk away.”
“ I don’t want to take another step away from you. I don’t want to do anything without you.” That seemed to do it for Stiles, because he wrapped his arms around Derek’s neck, went in for another kiss.
“ You want to get out of here?”
“ With you? Gladly.”