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Tadashi found himself remembering the last time he'd seen Tsukki--at the airport a month ago--and of course, he'd been crying, because Tsukki, you'll be gone for a month!
And of course, Tsukki hadn't minded the fact that Tadashi was crying into his shoulder, because despite all his shut up Yamaguchi's, he doesn't really mind anything Tadashi does and it's one of the many things Tadashi loves about him. Loves about him. Loves .
The word still bounced around in his head, love, love, love , like a physics-defying volleyball that showed no sign of stopping--Tsukki would hate that metaphor--except Tadashi didn't really care. Both that love was all he could think about and that Tsukki would hate his little volleyball metaphor, because maybe he likes ( loves ) a little jesting.
If Tadashi could go back in time and tell his high school self that dude, it's a completely different feeling when he loves you back , he would. He'd found being in love with Tsukki ( just with Tsukki, he's only ever loved Tsukki, only Tsukki ) to be a pleasant thing, even if he couldn't quite give him the cheek kisses he wanted to all the time- or receive them. But he enjoyed the way that he got butterflies in his stomach whenever Tsukki touched him or talked to him or looked at him , the way that Tsukki's presence was like the warmth of a kotatsu that just screamed home, the way Tsukki made him happy .
He was eternally happy that they'd been too tired to bring out the futon during his first sleepover at Tsukki's house in middle school and that he'd woken up that morning with an arm and a leg haphazardly thrown over Tsukki, who was reading a book about bugs (at 9 in the morning?) and didn't seem to mind the contact. And continued not to mind it for many more years, and many more instances of Tadashi waking up sprawled over Tsukki or his head nestled in the curve of his neck or, eventually, Tsukki's arm wrapped around Tadashi; pulling him closer.
Therefore, Tadashi was not unfamiliar with the word love . He'd been swimming in it for eight years, except it was more like this love was a vast ocean and Tadashi had laid down on a raft near shore one day and let the current take him away, carrying him further out onto calm waters that never stormed, having the sun shine down on him for hours and his skin never burn, feeling warm and relaxed and content in his love for Tsukki.
And he'd thought that feeling couldn't get any better--sure, he longed for a kiss just like anyone on the sea longed for the adventure, but he liked where he was just fine--until Tsukki came paddling from the shore at mach speeds and dragged him to a perfect little island where the sun shined but never burned and the waters lapped against the shore but never too high or low and where there was a happy little hut that they could live together in and call theirs and never answer to anyone; only themselves and only each other.
Tadashi had been (foolishly) worried that when they graduated high school and ventured out to college and jobs and the V-League that they'd drift apart; that their perfect little bubble in Miyagi prefecture where they walked to and from school together everyday and slept in each other's beds on some nights- where Tadashi was comfortable , would be shattered. Maybe Tsukki would meet a girl, fall in love with her and not him (Tadashi, when has Tsukki ever been interested in girls?) and get married and have kids and not have time for Tadashi. Maybe Tsukki would go volleyball crazy like Hinata and Kageyama and not find Tadashi interesting before because he didn't play volleyball anymore and couldn't be like the guys on his team.
Except they didn't drift apart; Tsukki didn't meet a girl or go volleyball crazy but he did call Tadashi almost every night, and he did take trains to Tadashi when he could and of course Tadashi took trains to him too. Tadashi found that his nights snuggled up next to Tsukki--although they did decrease--they didn't cease, and he looked forward to it every time they visited one another. Tadashi enjoyed talking to Tsukki on the phone while he was making himself dinner or shopping at the grocery store, and Tsukki certainly didn't mind having someone to complain to about his teammates (Koganegawa was on thin ice, apparently) and his classes (but Tadashi wasn't sure that you could call Tsukki's raving about paleontology complaining). Tadashi found that their perfect little bubble in Miyagi was not their perfect little bubble in Miyagi, but his perfect little bubble with Tsukki.
So a week before Tsukki had left, Tadashi had been staying with him in Sendai so he could go apartment hunting before he started his new job with an electronics company in the city. A whole lot of walking around Sendai with Tsukki, eating breakfast and lunch and dinner with Tsukki, sleeping through the night with Tsukki, apartment hunting with Tsukki (You really don't have to come, Tsukki, it's not your apartment!). It was grossly domestic in the way that Tadashi had been craving for years and his heart was soaring , his little raft on the ocean being carried out further and faster.
They'd been walking back to Tsukki's apartment after getting yakiniku for dinner when they'd ended up passing through a park and Tadashi made the mistake (best mistake of his life ) of looking up at the stars and wow were they beautiful and Tadashi found himself stopping in the middle of the paved path, staring at the sky and wondering if he and Tsukki had ever been looking at the same stars during one of their phone calls.
"Yamaguchi?" Tsukki had stopped too.
Tadashi had blanked for a moment before coming up with what he hoped was a decent answer, saying, "Sorry, Tsukki. The stars just looked really pretty tonight."
"We can sit down for a moment," Tsukki had told him, and Tadashi's heart fluttered again- You're so thoughtful, Tsukki , his mind said, as he thanked the man he was in love with with a smile.
He wasted no time completely ignoring the benches and instead finding an open spot on the grass where the trees made way for the stars, laying down on his back and gazing at the lights in the sky; the same as he'd done a couple times with Tsukki back in Miyagi.
Tsukki trailed behind him and settled himself next to Tadashi on the grass, and Tadashi took a moment to watch the familiar movement of Tsukki pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, making himself smaller as he's done since middle school. He turned his face back to the stars, watching them and letting his mind wander (as if he didn't let it wander all the time anyways). In just a little over a month, he'd be living in Sendai where Tsukki was and he'd be working a job in Sendai where Tsukki was and he'd be going to all of Tsukki's volleyball games games where Tsukki played and-
"Yamaguchi," Tsukki had said, cutting off his thoughts. "Can I tell you something?"
Tsukki's going to tell me something. Tsukki, telling me something, Tsukki has something to tell me, he's asking me if he can tell me something, he never asks if he can tell me something, he just tells me things, oh my god Tsukki is asking to tell me something Tsukki doesn't ask
"Yeah," Tadashi breathed, keeping his voice as steady as possible. "Of course."
Tsukki never asks he's going to tell me something what is he going to tell me is it bad did he figure it out does he not want to be friends anymore Tsukki's going to tell me something
"I always thought your freckles looked like stars."
What.
Tadashi felt the heat rush to his cheeks as he sat up in the grass and turned to face Tsukki, who hadn't budged from his position and oh god I hope he can't see me blushing in the dark and then oh god of course he can see me blushing there are lights in the park .
He searched Tsukki's face, searching for an answer to a question that he hadn't asked ( a question that went unspoken ), searching for anything in Tsukki's expression but this was a face he hadn't seen before; the kind of face that people make when they're looking at someone ( not just someone ) from across the room.
It felt like it'd been hours-- hours since Tadashi began looking over Tsukki's expression--when he knew it'd only been five seconds, and then the silence was shattered by Tsukki.
"You don't have to say anything."
No! That's exactly the opposite of what he wants to happen! He wants to say something but not just something he wants to spill out all the feelings he's held for eight years and tell him about the ocean of love and the bubble of comfort and the cat he sees them having in some perfect world where they grow old together--he wants to say everything because Tsukki just told him his freckles look like stars and his heart was exploding --and because Tadashi has never been one to think things through too deeply (aside from his years of contemplating his love for Tsukki) he does.
"No," he begins, before admitting to himself that maybe that's not the way he wants to start this. "I- I mean, thank you, of course." At this point his heart is in his throat and he's trying to catch his breath as if he held it too long (which he probably did) and can your heart be in your throat and pounding loudly in your chest at the same time because his definitely is .
"Have I ever told you that I'm in love with you?" Tadashi asks- more like says, because that's definitely a rhetorical question. "That's a dumb way to put it," he rambles. "I know I've never told you I'm in love with you, because I'm pretty sure I would remember that and I've never gotten drunk enough to forget things unless I have and no one has told me, which would be kind of mean but I guess if you were trying to protect me that'd be okay, except I know you wouldn't keep that from me because you don't keep things from me which is one of the things that I love about you, and you're honest to me too--in your own roundabout way, I guess--and that's also another thing I love about you, and I'm gonna kind of cut it off here because If I listed everything I love about you we would die of old age and I've never even gotten to have a cat before and I think it's amazing that you haven't told me to shut up yet which is another thing that I love about you but if you just want me to leave tell me and I will and we’ll never have to talk about this again."
It's silent for a moment. Tadashi is sitting on his legs and fidgeting with the hands that had just been placed on the ground a second before while he poured his heart out to Tsukki (if only a fraction of it), and Tsukki is still in that position with his arms wrapped around his knees and is staring at Tadashi with a look he's only seen a couple of times before--surprise--his eyes are a little bit wide and his mouth is a little bit open and everything is only a little bit different but that's okay because Tsukki has never had the most obvious expressions and Tadashi loves that--he loves that he can read them like a picture book.
"You're in love with me?" Tsukki asks, and Tadashi does not hesitate to nod because he's already made it pretty clear and he fears if he speaks anymore he'd end up telling Tsukki how he loves it when Tsukki's arm is around his waist while they cuddle.
And then Tsukki's lips are on his Tsukki's lips are on his and they're kissing , and Tadashi doesn't remember who leaned in first or when his hands ended up holding either side of Tsukki's face or when Tsukki's right hand ended up gently wrapped around his wrist did he bring it there or is he keeping it there or when Tsukki's left hand ended up cradling the back of his neck, pulling Tadashi towards Tsukki the same way Tadashi is using his hands that are touching Tsukki's cheeks to lean into the kiss. Tsukki's knees are still pulled up to his chest in a way that's uncomfortable for both of them but it doesn't matter because they're kissing; and Tadashi's knees are hurting with how he's kneeling on the grass and leaning into Tsukki but it doesn't matter because they're kissing .
To Tadashi, Tsukki is the moon and he himself was just a meteor drifting through space aimlessly, bumping other meteors and getting bounced around a multitude of different paths, until one day a crash brought him to the edge of Tsukki's orbit, and even though Tsukki was moving on his own Tadashi was stuck , stuck in the orbit, going around and around as Tsukki's gravity pulled him closer meter by meter, until Tadashi finally landed. To Tadashi, Tsukki is the moon and Tadashi is just a piece of rock that was lucky enough to collide.
And maybe rocks don't breathe but humans do, so eventually they have to release each other to catch their breath. Although apparently, Tsukki is either a sadist or doesn't understand this concept because he wastes no time telling Tadashi:
"I love you too."
And the wind is knocked out of Tadashi again , and he's lightheaded and his heart is beating faster than it should be but it's amazing , it's euphoric , because he just kissed Tsukki and Tsukki just said he loves him .
Tadashi was content with his one-man raft on the ocean. He was content with his bubble in Miyagi, where he and Tsukki walked together and cuddled at night but nothing more. He was content with the phone calls and the train rides and the sleepovers and he was content with simply being in love with a man he couldn't kiss but only admire and touch sometimes.
But now, Tadashi thinks, you fucking idiot, how could you ever have been content with that?
Tsukki kissed him and Tsukki is in love with him and Tadashi will never be content with anything less again.
And for a week, Tadashi had it all. He woke up with Tsukki in the morning and went to bed with him at night, he ate all of his meals with him, he got to lay his head on Tsukki's lap as they watched a documentary about the ocean they'd seen a hundred times but would never get old, he got to feel Tsukki's fingers running through his hair and his fingers running through Tsukki's--he got the kisses he'd longed for and maybe a bit more.
He'd gotten to tackle Tsukki in a hug after the tall man had pointed out that his lease ended a few days after he came back from New York, and if Tadashi didn't want him to renew it but instead co-sign a lease with him, he would.
He brought up the idea of a cat many times; every time he felt Tsukki fold just a bit more under Tadashi's own pleading gaze and teasing words ("Stop giving me your puppy eyes look, it won't work." "But now it's yours too, Tsukki!") until it went from an "Absolutely not" to an "Only if it's quiet and doesn't shed much."
He got to give and receive many more I love you 's, each one making up for time lost.
That was only a week. A week of pure bliss and then Tadashi had to say goodbye to him at the airport as he waited for a plane to whisk him away to New York for some museum program. Not that Tadashi didn't care; he was proud of Tsukki earning this opportunity with his hard work when just a couple years ago extra work didn't seem to exist in his vocabulary. He was simply just not fond of things that required distance between him and Tsukki. They've only been dating ( boyfriends ) for a week, but they'd been best friends for a decade.
So of course Tadashi ended up crying as he said goodbye, hugging Tsukki and resting his head on his shoulder- and Tsukki didn't stop him. He held Tadashi in the middle of the airport and let him cry, and Tadashi suspected it was because he didn't want him to see his own crying- but you can't hide red eyes, and Tsukki definitely had some when he turned and waved for a last time before walking through the gate.
For a month they were again confined to phone calls, and had to swap out their train rides for the occasional video call. Tadashi preferred the video calling, of course, because otherwise Tsukki had no possibility of noticing that Tadashi had stolen yet another one of his t-shirts or hoodies in his absence.
Tsukki told him about New York, about how busy the streets were but the art was kind of cool and he ate at this one place called Bubba Gump because his coworker forced him to and it wasn't too bad.
Tadashi told Tsukki about his latest lunch with Yachi, how she and Kiyoko were doing and how he met his boss for the first time and she wasn't so bad, and how he found an apartment for the two of them he thought Tsukki would like. ("Go ahead and tell them we want it," Tsukki said, "I trust you.")
And eventually a month passed, and Tadashi found himself in the airport again, waiting for Tsukki to walk out of the gate. Thinking about how, soon, everyday could be like that week that he and Tsukki had shared a month ago, how eventually it won't be that week but the rest of his life .
Thinking about how he'd break the news that he'd looked at a local shelter online and saw a cat he'd really liked and thinks Tsukki would like too, so they should go and meet her and see if they want to adopt her. How he and Tsukki would walk back into his apartment just for Tsukki to unpack his suitcase and pack it all up again, but this time in boxes because they were moving in together in a nice one bedroom apartment that's a good distance between their jobs and the gym. How they could have a housewarming party and invite the old team, which would take even more convincing than the cat but Tadashi thinks he could swing it with his new privileges. How they're only 22 and they still have decades of life to life, and they'll get to live it together. How as soon as Tsukki exits the gate, the rest of their life together begins.
Tadashi is so lost in thought that he almost doesn't notice when the wavy blond hair walks through the gate, at the peak of the height that certainly stands out amongst the others leaving and reuniting with loved ones or returning from vacation, the wavy blond hair and height that belong to the man that's his .
Tsukki! Tadashi exclaims in his mind, although he can't tell if he actually thought it or maybe said it out loud because Tsukki seems to find him immediately after and they're both walking towards each other (it's a miracle Tadashi doesn't trip, considering he's clumsy enough at normal speed), closing the distance--and again, it's the moon and maybe Tadashi is actually a star rather than a rock, because Tsukki seems to be pulled towards him just as much as he's pulled towards Tsukki--and Tsukki lets go of his suitcase handle to sweep Tadashi into his arms, and normally Tadashi doesn't like anything that makes him seem short but he's always had to adjust to that with Tsukki so when his feet lift off the ground he doesn't mind. Instead, he wraps his arms tighter, burying his face into Tsukki's shoulder as Tsukki does the same to him, and they're holding onto each other tightly, as if they'll disappear if they let go--but that sounds wrong, Tadashi's thinking, because this isn't the same as a month ago. A month ago, Tadashi let go and Tsukki had to leave even if he was going to come back. But now, when Tadashi lets go, he gets to grab on again; he gets to take Tsukki's hand and lead him to the car because Tsukki is home , and whether that's because he's back in Sendai or with Tadashi he doesn't care.
Tsukki is here, holding onto him, and Tadashi will get to do this for the rest of his life.