Work Text:
Ever since Jaemin had joined SM, his eating habits have been all over the place. Skipping meals, eating too much, eating normally - he had experienced it all. It had taken him a lot of time, self control (tears and spit and puke and pain and lies) to get where he’s now. To be the one who never gets seconds, who never eats after 6pm, who never eats before 12.
But now that he was here, Jaemin tried his hardest to have things stay this way. “You aren’t gonna eat, again, right?“ a tired Jeno mumbled next to him, eyeing the bowl of cereal in front of him. “I‘m not.“ Jaemin answered, his dry and chapped lips formed into a small smile. He wasn‘t gonna eat, there was no reason for him. He had woken up with an empty stomach, 300g less than yesterday and no hunger pains at all - so why eat? As long as his body wasn‘t on his knees, begging him to feed him with something, anything at this point, Jaemin was not gonna have food.
He was the one who controlled everything, food was not the one with the power.
“You‘re so weird, Jaemin.“, Jeno sighed as he scooped up some cereal, leading his hand to his half opened mouth. “I’ve never seen someone with messed up eating habits like you.“ This made Jaemin chuckle. Messed up habits? Where? Jaemin was perfectly fine, there was nothing messed up about this. “Same goes for you, Jeno. I don’t understand how someone can eat this early, and especially something with milk. It would just hurt my stomach.“ Jaemin got up from his spot and walked over the cupboard to grab one of the many, different coloured, sized cups. They reminded him of his members, as stupid as it may seem. There was one cup that reminded him of Renjun. Long, thin, coloured in a strong red. Another one, a little smaller and wider but a lot more stable one - Jeno. And he? He was thin long glass, the one everyone was kind of scared to drink of because it looked so fragile.
Jaemin smiled to himself.
Fragile, something he had always wanted to be.
“What can I say“, Jeno yawned (Jaemin had almost forgot about his presence), “I like to eat before practice. Trust me, you‘re gonna regret after dancing for a few hours.“ Jaemin chuckled again, shook his head and filled the cup with cold water. He was sure he was not gonna regret anything. After all, how was he supposed to regret starving? It was the best thing he had ever discovered. “I‘m used to it, don‘t worry.“, he mumbled, having to hold back a loud sigh after feeling the cold water hit his sensitive throat, filling up his empty stomach. When was the last time he ate? Besides three sugar cubes yesterday, it had been exactly 40h since his last actual meal.
He didn’t have an actual goal in mind, Jaemin just felt curious. He wanted to see how long he could go, how long until his body felt the need to be recharged. All this time, while Jeno was nagging about Jaemin‘s bad eating habits, none of them had noticed their friend Donghyuck at the other end of the table, his eyes moving from Jaemin‘s slim arms to his skinny torso, covered by a thin layer of fabric, to his own breakfast. A bowl of cereal, at least the double of Jeno‘s bowl.
All of the Dream members were together in the practice room of the SM building. They were supposed to practice every single choreography to neither forget any steps nor to get out of shape. Obviously they did not have any concerts to prepare for, but all of them knew that a comeback was near. It always was. Even while preparing for one, all of the boys knew the next comeback was just around the corner. “Alright, let‘s practice Ridin‘ again.“ Mark had said, holding up the iPad to record the others. They still didn’t have a choreography for the seven of them, since no one really knew what was gonna happen to Dream anyways.
Was someone going to be added? Someone removed? Would it stay just the same? No one really knew, except Mark maybe.
But he wasn’t allowed to say anything anyways, so no one really bothered asking.
Jaemin got to his position, taking a few deep but quick breaths. He could feel his stomach working, he could feel it slowly ripping apart his last layers of fat, with its sharp teeth and greedy mouth. He could feel how it pulled and pulled, trying to get every little cm of fat. If there even was anything left. But, in all honesty, it could even eat muscles. Jaemin was okay with that, too. He was never fond of being muscular like Jeno, he enjoyed being the thin boy. If there only wasn’t...
“Can we take a break after it? I’m tired and i want to have a snack“ the soft voice of Renjun echoed through the practice room, Jaemin felt his words creep up his skin. If there only wasn’t Renjun, who always seemed to be smaller than him. With every kilogram that Jaemin lost, Renjun seemed to lose three. Jaemin blamed it on his competitiveness that sadly appeared in the worst kind of situations. Mark nodded as an answer, pressed the button to play the music and started the video at the same time.
As Jaemin was dancing, he could feel his stomach growling. He wondered if the others could hear it too, even over the music. He wished they would, even though it was pretty much impossible.
Look at me, he thought, look at me, tell me you‘re worried. Tell me I’m skinny.
But nothing happened. “Alright, good job everyone!“ Mark grinned at them. It was obvious he was happy to be with them again, and Jaemin couldn’t blame him. He felt happy too, even though it only meant another pair of eyes to avoid. “Let‘s take a break. 20 minutes? And after that let‘s practice some of the older songs too!“ Jaemin wondered how Mark was able to be so energised, it was only 11:36 AM. Then again, he had breakfast. And dinner last night. And lunch, and breakfast again and dinner and lunch and breakfast, dinner, lunch, breakfast, dinner-
“Hyung!“ Jisung said with a smile, patting on the spot next to him. “Stop standing there all alone, sit down too! Do you want a granola bar? Or a protein bar? I also have bread.“Jisung was still growing (he always was, in his eyes), so Jaemin didn’t judge him for eating. It was the opposite, actually. He felt enormous happiness whenever he saw his friends eat, they looked cute while doing so. And even though he knew he was getting closer to his limit, faster than he had thought but the endless working out was the one to blame, he still shook his head as he sat down next to him. “No, thank you. I‘ll have some of my food.“ While he was grabbing his bag, pulling it closer to him carefully, he felt Donghyuck‘s eyes on him. He felt him staring as hands reached out, the sudden movement making his shirt slip up a little bit, revealing his slim back. He was also pretty sure that he felt him counting the little bumps, the little bones that were slowly appearing and Jaemin would be a liar if he said he didn’t purposely lean forward even more, making them seem more prominent.
Look at me, look at my figure. Are we the same? No, you’re far from it. You’re far from this type of beauty.
And Jaemin grinned, a feeling of proudness filling his empty stomach. Suddenly he didn’t even feel the need to take one of the diet pills in his bag.
“You two are the only ones who don’t have any kind of solo practice today, I‘m so jealous.“ Chenle whined as soon as they all stepped out of the practice room. “Look at me! I‘m all sweaty and disgusting and now I‘m supposed to sit inside a stupid warm booth practicing vocals“ With a dramatic sigh, Chenle leaned onto Donghyuck. “Don‘t you wanna cover for me?“, he mumbled, looking at his friend with a sly smile. Jaemin watched with a smile as Donghyuck pushed Chenle away, saying words to him that were supposed to sound funny or annoying, but he couldn’t hear much. He felt tired and exhausted and even though he wished he just could continue avoiding to eat, Jaemin wasn’t stupid. Either he ate at the dorm now or risked eating too much at night. “Get home safely“, Jeno mumbled into his ear, rubbing his nose against his cheek in a comforting and caring way.
Jaemin wondered when he got blessed with someone like him.
“We will“, he whispered, even quieter than Jeno did. Sending one last smile to his friends and a little kiss into Jeno‘s direction (he wanted to send one to Renjun too but he was busy trying to get Chenle and Jisung off his ass), Jaemin and Donghyuck went to the opposite direction, ready to leave the building again. “What are you gonna do at home?“ the slightly older boy asked him as they got into the car, sighing in content when their bodies hit the soft seats. “Shower, probably. I didn’t sweat as much as Chenle, but showering is never a bad thing.“
It could be, though. If he showered too hot, he could risk fainting in the cabin. Jaemin wanted to sigh. He liked his showers steaming hot, but that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take now. “And after that“, he said, leaning back into the seat, “I‘ll have some breakfast and maybe edit some photos. Or just relax.“ Jaemin could feel Donghyuck staring again. And it felt like he even did it harder after he had mentioned eating.
Look at me, look at my fragile and bony body. My thighs, that won’t touch, no matter how hard I try. Can you say the same about yours?
Jaemin grinned. He wished he was able to read minds.Luckily, Donghyuck could be like an open book.
Back at the dorm, Jaemin entered the smaller bathroom, it was the one where their scale was located. Pulling off his sweat dried clothes, Jaemin stared at his reflection. He wouldn’t say he suffered from body dysmorphia, at least not when he knew he was doing good. So he smiled at his reflection, bare and raw. He traced his body with his fingers, shaking a litte bit as his cold hands touched his sensitive skin. He traced his thighs, they had gotten slimmer finally. He wrapped his hands around them, sighing a little as he saw his fingers touching each other. He wanted them to overlap, not just touch. But well, he was getting there slowly. His hands moved on their own, they traced his skin, his hip bones that were a little bit more prominent than last week, over his stomach, that seemed to be less flabby than last week. Over his ribs, counting them slowly.
One, two, three...
Over his chest, counting his chest bones
...four, five, six ...
up to his collarbones.
They rested there, and Jaemin smiled. He had lost weight again, even though no one else seemed to notice. It was much better that way, he could surprise them once he had reached his goal. His goal. What was his goal again? Jaemin pulled out the scale from under the sink. It was stupid, weighing yourself right after working out. It wasn’t unnormal to weigh more then, he had already forgotten all the science behind it. It had something to do with glycogen, energy and your muscles storing more of that stuff to get more energy during your workouts. “500g more than today“, he mumbled and frowned a little. Reaching out for his phone, he quickly opened his camera and took a quick shot of the black, digital number. He had a hidden folder on his phone called ‘weigh ins‘ and has been collecting pictures after pictures of those stupid, black digital numbers. It helped him to keep track of all his weight fluctuates during the day, it helped him being even more in control. With a small sigh, he hopped into the shower, just wanting to get over with it.
Jaemin wasn’t stupid. He knew he didn’t look 500g heavier than before, but it still angered him a little. How much had he drunk during those four hours of exercise? A whole litre of water. “I‘ll cut down on it the next time“, he made a mental note to himself. During his shower, he watched hair strands fall down, getting flushed away by the water. How could he still be losing hair? He was taking his vitamins. “More protein, i guess.“ Jaemin had gone to the bathroom so quickly that he forgot about taking a pair of spare clothes, as he noticed after his shower. Normally he would put on his old ones again, just to get changed in his own room.
Normally, when everyone else was around. But right now, it was only Donghyuck and him. Jaemin grinned to himself as he wrapped a towel around his waist, making sure it was low enough to show off a small part of his hipbones. He didn’t want anyone to see his body yet, but Donghyuck was an exception.
He craved it, his stares, his eyes all over his body. He craved it so badly. And there was nothing better than feeling the other‘s envy on his skin. Whistling the melody of one of their songs, Jaemin left the bathroom and went straight to the kitchen.
He knew Donghyuck was there.
Unlike him, Donghyuck rather ate before showering.
And as soon as he stepped into the room, he felt him staring. With his big, round eyes. He felt him staring, checking out every inch of his body.
Look at me, look at my body. My dry and bruised skin, my sweet porcelain skin.
“You got skinny.“, his friend mumbled, placing down the chopsticks. “You think so? I didn’t notice.“ he said with a smile, turning on the coffee machine. “How much do you weigh now, Jaemin?“ His grip around the coffee mug tightened. What was he gonna answer now? The truth? Should he sugarcoat it? Just say a random number? Jaemin craved the attention, so he decided on the first option. “Last time I checked“ (15 minutes ago) “it was 53.1kg.“The colour in Donghyuck‘s face left him, his lips suddenly seemed dry to him.
Now, there were two possible ways. The first one, Donghyuck wasn’t gonna say anything. The second one, he would tell-
“How?“
His voice was merely a whisper and still Jaemin‘s body felt electrified. This feeling, this feeling of euphoria, of satisfaction. Jaemin broke out into the biggest, the happiest smile. One that reached his eyes, that filled his body with excitement, that made his mind create every kinds of scenarios. “How?“, he repeated his question, trying hard to not show his delight too much. “Why are you asking? Do you want tips?“ Donghyuck gulped, picking up the chopsticks again. Stirring the ramen in his bowl, he didn’t even dare to raise his head to meet his friend‘s eyes. “Not sure, I mean a little bit of weight loss wouldn’t hurt.“ Jaemin wanted to laugh. A little bit? Donghyuck had to lose much more than just ‘a little bit‘. A few minutes ago, Jaemin would’ve never dared to think about his friend like that, but now it felt like he was replaced by someone else. He wasn’t the kind and caring Jaemin anymore, he was something... something that yet had to be described. Biting down on his lip, Jaemin hid away a grin.
All his plans for breakfast were quickly pushed aside, now it was about Donghyuck. Donghyuck, and Jaemin only. “Let me get dressed quickly, then we‘ll talk.“ he said, running his hand through his still damp hair (if he just ignored the hair strands falling down, everything was okay anyways). “But while I‘m doing that“, he grabbed the bowl and the chopsticks, earning a sign of protest from his friend, and turned over to the trash can. “Let‘s throw this“ he stared down at the bowl, watching the liquid turn oily just seconds after not being stirred “whatever this is supposed to be.“ When Donghyuck wanted to speak up, Jaemin just shushed him with a kind smile. “Now, now“, he sang happily, “don‘t make the job even harder. We’ve got enough to work with already, we don’t any extra baggage.“
And Jaemin threw Donghyuck‘s food away.
After a few minutes, both of the boys went to Jaemin‘s room. Even though they were alone, a little more privacy had never hurt a soul, so Jaemin said. “So you just, don‘t eat?“ Donghyuck raised an eyebrow at him, feeling slightly confused. Sitting on his bed with his legs crossed, Jaemin nodded. “Yeah, that‘s pretty much it. You know, it‘s important to control your hunger and appetite. But don‘t worry, I‘ll help you with everything. It will be super easy, even easier than the easiest choreography you’ve ever learned.“ It was not. Jaemin knew Donghyuck was gonna fail, his eyes were telling him everything. He knew Donghyuck was still thinking about the ramen from earlier, he just knew. “How do you do it? Control your hunger, I mean. Did you always eat so weirdly?“ Donghyuck grabbed the stuffed bunny on Jaemin‘s bed and started to play with the ears of the soft toy. He felt scared, scared of Jaemin‘s plans. But he looked up to him, Donghyuck wanted to know what it was like.
To have safety pins be added to your pants because they wouldn’t stay up without them, to have even skinny jeans look baggy on you.
Donghyuck wanted to be skinny, just like Jaemin.
And he trusted his friend, he knew he would never do something to hurt him.
Jaemin shook his head at the question. Did he always eat so weirdly? No, it just started with becoming a trainee, he thought. “You know, when you starve yourself, you‘ll get to a stage where the hunger feels impossible to ignore. When it feels like your stomach is ripping apart in two, where the pain gets almost unbearable.“ Donghyuck didn’t know, how could he? Jaemin was sure he had never felt actual hunger in his whole life, judging by his looks. “You need to get over this stage.“, he continued, moving a little bit closer to his friend to wrap his arm around his broad, meaty shoulder. He still hadn’t taken a shower, Jaemin could feel it. Then again, larger people always sweated more anyways. “And once you did that, you won‘t feel any hunger anymore.“ He smiled at him. He could see how his mind was working, his face looked just as concentrated as when he was practicing his singing, Jaemin could swear he even saw something like ambition in his eyes.
He might had awaken a monster, and he was more than excited to unleash its full potential.
“I think for the beginning it would be the easiest if you just followed me. Just copy my steps, my meals and my workouts. And trust me, if you work hard enough, you will be skinny in a few days.“ Jaemin had gotten up to grab one of his least used notebooks and a pen, opening an empty page. “At first, let‘s settle for some goals.“, he mumbled, writing down the date, Donghyuck’s full name and his height on the blank piece of paper, “How much do you weigh right now?“ Donghyuck started to fiddle with his fingers, biting his lips.
Jaemin saw right through him.
“Hey, don‘t feel nervous“, he smiled and placed his hand on his head reassuringly, “we all started somewhere, right? It‘s not like I would judge you or anything“ At least not vocally, but can you blame me? “When i checked my weight today, it was at 66.4kg.“ That was more than Jaemin had ever weighed. Scribbling down the numbers, Jaemin took a short pause to calculate, before adding more numbers. The letters BMI came right after. “That means your BMI is at 21.9, that‘s... alright, I guess.“ Donghyuck frowned a little. “Is it a lot?“
“Mine is 16.9. Now compare our numbers, then you should know the answer yourself.“
Copying Jaemin‘s behaviours was easier said than done, Donghyuck realised. From waking up at 5 AM for a quick morning walk to only eating between 12 and 6, it was all a lot harder than he had thought. It had become normal to both of them that Donghyuck was sleeping in Jaemin‘s room, his friend had placed a thin mattress on the floor for him. When he asked if he couldn’t just join him on the bed, Jaemin had quickly answered with a cold no. And after asking again, this time for the reason, Jaemin simply had said that he didn’t feel like sharing a bed with someone as big as him and that he would be able to sleep next to him after dropping 3kg.
Donghyuck knew that he didn’t mean it bad, Jaemin was just looking out for him, making sure he wouldn’t lose motivation halfway through. But he still couldn’t ignore the sting in his chest after hearing the words leaving his friend‘s mouth.
As the days passed, Donghyuck felt himself growing used to Jaemin‘s routine. And the more he watched Jaemin, the more amazed he felt. He was allowed to watch him strip down to only his underwear, a sight he would never forget. Jaemin was so skinny, and it felt like he grew tinier each second. “You‘re so skinny“ he whispered once while watching his friend step on the scale “I want to be like you.“
With a shy smile, Jaemin looked over to his friend. “You will be, don‘t worry. You‘ll be so pretty and skinny soon, hyuck.“ And when Jaemin hopped off the scale, it was his turn. Slowly getting up from the bathtub, he started to undress as well. It felt intimate, somehow. They weren’t doing anything, Jaemin barely even spared him glance, being too busy with calculating his intake for today, with tracking his weight loss.
It would take some time until Donghyuck would be deserving of his attention.
With his heart beating fast, Donghyuck stepped on the scale. The numbers changed too often, too quickly, he felt like he was going crazy.
And once they stood still, Donghyuck wanted to cry.
“How much less?“ Jaemin asked. He had begun to put his clothes back on, staring at his own reflection now. His voice felt cold and harsh, it made him think that the person next to him wasn’t his friend but rather his manager. “Only 200g“, Donghyuck mumbled as a wave of embarrassment hit him. Jaemin had lost more, he had lost 300g. Technically, he knew every gram counted and it was better than losing nothing, but he still felt so much heavier. “That‘s a shame“ It really was a shame.
Donghyuck knew that it wouldn’t stay that way, the numbers wouldn’t continue to drop that way. After all, he wasn‘t Jaemin. He wasn’t the perfect, skinny and beautiful Jaemin. Donghyuck was Donghyuck, a lover for food, with a huge appetite. It was only a matter of time until his sensitive soul would break under all this added pressure. “Jaemin, I‘m hungry“, he sobbed quietly into the small pillow that he had gotten from his friend. It was 2:21 AM, they were supposed to sleep since they had schedules in the early morning, but Donghyuck couldn’t get his eyes to close. Too loud was his stomach, too aggressive, too mean... even if it didn’t let out a single noise. Donghyuck could hear it, he could hear it loud and clear.
With a groan, Jaemin turned around to him, opening his tired eyes. “You‘re hungry?“, he mumbled and sighed. “So? I don‘t care. Eat if you want to, I don‘t care. It’s your body after all, you’re the one to decide.“ Donghyuck only sobbed harder. Normally, he would’ve gotten a hug by now.
Where was it? He craved calming touches, soothing words, he craved soft and warm hands rubbing circles on his tummy to calm it down. When was the last time he ate? “If you eat now“ Jaemin spoke up again, staring holes into his soul, “you‘re gonna weigh more again. Is that what you want?“ He moved closer to Donghyuck, still not breaking eye contact. His eyes were as cold as ice, anger was hidden in his stare. Donghyuck hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet he felt like he just disappointed the person he looked up the most to.
“Tell me, Donghyuck, do you want to continue being fat?“
Holding back a sob, he shook his head aggressively. He didn’t want to, never again. He was so close to be under 60kg, he wouldn’t ruin it. “Never again.“, he whispered and seeing Jaemin‘s lips curl up into a soft and proud smile was better than every word of praise he had ever gotten in his life.
Reaching out his hand, he wrapped his cold hand around his own, his warmer and meatier one. One day, Jaemin had told him, one day he would have as skinny hands as he does. Laying down on his back, Jaemin slowly pulled Donghyuck‘s hand up to his body, placing it on his tummy, covered with a shirt. “Touch me“, he whispered “Touch me, Donghyuck.“
And he did.
He traced his skin, he drew circles on his ribs, his collarbones, his chest bones. He felt up his whole body, finally forgetting the reason he was awake in the first place. Jaemin let out a sigh here and there, watching Donghyuck’s hand wandering, like a proud mother. And Donghyuck was following his hand with his eyes, like a curious child.
With every touch Donghyuck only felt more envious. One day, he thought, one day he would be able to touch his own ribs.
Jaemin had never messed up. Never, at least not in his memories. He was always good at this, at refusing food with a kind smile, at hiding food in napkins, his sleeves. He was good at working out, even when he saw black spots. He knew his body in and out, he knew his limits and made sure to always move dangerously close to it, but never over it. He knew it all, what he could do and what he could not.
But sadly, Donghyuck wasn’t as smart. Jaemin had hoped it would be the same for him, but he had forgotten that everyone was different. Jaemin was Jaemin, and Donghyuck was Donghyuck. And of course, since Jaemin knew more, was more experienced, he had naturally taken care of his friend. But never had he imagined him to betray him like this. “What the hell were you even thinking?“, he said.
Jaemin was fuming and if he could, he would yell at him. He had pulled Donghyuck into the smaller bathroom, where the scale was still under the sink. His friend was crying in front of him, shirtless, his hands wrapped around his stomach. “You look pregnant, Lee Donghyuck.“
Jaemin got one step closer, Donghyuck took one step back.
“You know how easy it is to slip back into old habits! So how could you even think this was okay?“
One step forward, one step back.
“I‘m sorry.“ Donghyuck whimpered. He felt naked, even while half dressed. He felt caught, he felt... bad. He knew he had disappointed Jaemin. “I promise i didn’t mean to, i just“, he bit his lip. If he bit any harder, maybe it would start bleeding. Pain was the only punishment he could think of now. “Kun‘s cooking is so good and when he brought some of his food to the company, I just.“
“You decided to indulge. As if you deserved all this food in any way.“
One step forward, Donghyuck‘s bare back pressed against the wall.
“You‘re pathetic, Donghyuck. You gained one whole kilogram, that‘s three whole steps back. You‘ll never be pretty if you continue like this.“ Jaemin‘s words felt like daggers in his chest, but he knew he was right.
He would never be as pretty as Jaemin, never. His ribs would never be able to seen as clear as Jaemin‘s, his hair would never fall out just as much and his skin would never feel sick enough to produce extra tiny hairs.
“What now? Do you want even more food? We have ramen in the kitchen. Oh, and cereal too! What about peanut butter? What will you do now?“His mocking voice ringed in his ears, they repeated again and again. Will you eat? Will you have more food? You ruined your progress, will you make it even worse?”
With a deep breath, Donghyuck had decided his next step. “I‘ll fix it.“, he mumbled, closing his eyes when Jaemin‘s cold hand touched his tear stained cheek. “You will“, he whispered, letting his warm and minty breath hit Donghyuck‘s lips. Sometimes he wondered what would happen if he leaned in a little closer, but today was not gonna be that day. He didn’t deserve Jaemin‘s attention, he didn’t deserve his touches, his affections and his support.
Donghyuck didn’t deserve his love, Jaemin‘s love.
Skinny, beautiful, kind Jaemin.
He, who he looked up to, a beauty standard that he would never be able to reach.
So Donghyuck dropped to his knees, crawling over to the toilet. Jaemin watched him as he leaned back to the sink. Jaemin watched him as he raised his hand, opened his mouth, rammed his fingers into it. And as always, Jaemin felt a weird kind of satisfaction as he watched his best friend hunched over the toilet, pressing his fingertips at the back of his throat in a desperate manner. His whimpers and ugly noises were his favourite song, his pain was his favourite movie.