Chapter Text
"I was good. I was really good."
Neil feels his mother kneel beside him.
"Go and get some sleep," She says quietly.
Neil makes his way up to his room, surprisingly finding it the same as when he left for Welton in the summer. He always loved his bedroom, it was the one place his parents didn't micromanage and where he could really be himself.
He removes his shirt and places it on his bed. He places his fingers on top of his crown, the only thing he could bring back from the play. He walks over to his windows and opens them, feeling the cold air against his skin.
He knew tonight, when he was on that stage, that he was an actor. When he saw the standing ovation from the audience and the rest of the Dead Poets yelling "Yawp!" He knew. But his father doesn't.
He knew tonight, when he was on that stage, his true purpose in life. He was never going to become a doctor. He was never going to let his father control his every move. As he stands there, placing the crown on top of his head, he makes a decision that will show his father that Neil's life is his own. It is his own to control, his own to create, his own to take.
After he finds his father's key in his bedroom, he opens the door and walks downstairs to his office. He's never told him, but he knows his father keeps a gun in the lower drawer. As he takes it out, folded in a small white cloth, he closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, revelling in his last few waking moments on Earth.
He's just about to remove the cloth when a loud sound bolts his eyes open, bringing him back to his senses.
The doorbell.
Neil takes a few seconds to register the sound, his body having slowly shut down since his decision.
He looks up, confused and shocked, before realizing the position he's in. He quickly puts the gun back in his father's drawer and walks upstairs to the front door.
Who could it possibly be?
As he makes it to the front door, he smooths down his pants and turns on the hallway light.
Why would someone knock on their door so late in the evening?
He takes a quick breath, remembering to be kind and considerate, just the way his parents always taught him to treat strangers, then opens the door.
"Todd?"
Todd is there, standing outside his front door, his hair snowy and his nose frozen bright red.
"Hey, Neil...."
"Wh-what are you doing here?"
"I-I saw what happened after the play, and I came to see if you were alright. I'm sorry, I should just go..."
Todd starts to turn around, but something clicks in Neil's brain and his heart warms at the sight of him. Almost like he needed him here.
"No, no, please come in!"
He ushers him inside, takes his coat and hangs it in the coat rack. Todd starts to look around, possibly curious to see a glimpse into Neil's personal life.
"How did you get here?" He asks.
Todd looks back outside nervously. "Oh, my-my bike."
"You biked here?" Neil exclaims. "It's practically a blizzard outside!"
Todd attempts an awkward smile and fiddles his hands together. "I was really worried about you."
With this, Neil's shocked face turns to a soft one. All the pain and sadness he had felt just minutes before had faded. The way he felt for Todd had only grown stronger in the mere months they knew each other, and he couldn't imagine wanting to see anyone else on this cold winter night. He starts to feel a bit out of place, still being shirtless and all, but he directs Todd upstairs to his room.
The moment he walks in the door, Todd's expression becomes amazed. He looks around, walking over to Neil's record collection and picking up a few in curiosity.
Neil walks back to the window he left open. He starts to close it when he feels the cold wind blowing in his face and remembers the decision he made standing in front of here only just a few minutes ago. How his life was completely and utterly over, and he had absolutely nothing to look forward to. Tomorrow he would be packing for military school, never getting to see Todd again, knowing nothing will ever make him as happy as seeing Todd smile or write poetry or make jokes with him or even sit with him during Dead Poets Society meetings. Knowing he was just seconds away from pulling the trigger of his father's gun, seconds away from his breath stopping and never starting ever again. If he really was going to kill himself, Todd would never know the extent of his true feelings, and would never get that chance to maybe have a life with him.
"I, um, I like your bedroom," He hears Todd say.
Neil wants to reply but he can't seem to bring himself to speak. He's afraid if he whispers even one thing, he'll break.
"Oh, the window's open," Todd notices. He walks over and closes the panes, standing next to Neil.
Neil reaches out and feels his fingers against the glass. If he were to die tonight, would he still feel his icy fingertips against it? If he were to die tonight, would he still hear Todd's voice breath rising up and down, just inches from him?
"You know, I never got to tell you," Todd says nervously, "You did so wonderful.. at the play. You're really talented."
Neil tries to smile but he just feels so broken. Like he can't move. He wants Todd to know that his words mean so much to him, but he can't bring himself to it.
"If only my father could see it," He mumbles.
"I know. You're so good."
"He's sending me to military school," Neil tells him.
Todd goes silent for a few seconds before Neil hears him scoff. When Neil finally looks at him, he realizes Todd is angry.
"He can't- he can't do that! You can't let him do that! I mean, you've been going to Welton for eight years! Can't you at least try to convince him, tell him about everything-"
"It's no use, Todd!" Neil is crying now. He can't help himself. He doesn't want to cry in front of Todd, but he just feels so helpless. "I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid of him. I'll never tell him how I really feel." He sputters between sobs.
Todd takes him and hugs him tight. He rubs his back while Neil just sobs into his chest. He feels so empty.
"You're freezing," Todd whispers.
"I can't feel anything anymore."
Todd breaks away from him and scans his room. He walks over to his bed and picks up a sweater and hands it to him.
"Put it on. Please, Neil."
He stares at it for a few seconds before throwing it over his head. He begins to slowly bring his fingers back to the icy glass when Todd grabs his hand.
"Stop!"
Neil turns to him in shock.
"Why do you keep doing that? You're scaring me, Neil," Todd's voice is so quiet it's almost a whisper, like he doesn't want anyone else to hear what he's saying. Like Todd's words are just for him.
"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."
They're both staring at each other now.
"I'm trying to forget about it. About everything. No matter what, I'll never have the things I want." Neil turns back to look at the window. It hurts to look at Todd.
"I'm so sorry."
Neil chooses his next words very carefully.
"I'll never have what I want. Whether it's acting, or the Society..... or you."
He can feel Todd look up at him, but he's too afraid to meet his gaze. If he were really to end his life tonight, Todd would never truly know the longing he feels for him every time they're around. How much he's changed him in the short time they knew each other.
"That's not true," Todd says so quietly Neil wonders if he even heard him right.
A tear falls down Neil's cheek. He just wants to forget. He wants to let go. But the more Todd's heart grabs onto him, the more in love he falls with Todd.
He's about to tell Todd to forget it, that he said nothing when Todd brings his hand up into the crook of his neck and moves Neil's head away from the window.
Neil finally locks eyes with him. What he expected to see was confusion, awkwardness, possibly disgust, but it's a face of relief. Like the words he just uttered to him was all he ever needed to hear.
"That's not true," he repeats.
The look on Todd's face mixed with his own personal confession is all Neil needed to understand. His feelings were not a burden. They weren't unlawful. They weren't even unrequited.
He starts to bring his head closer to Neil's, careful not to make the wrong move. Neil looks at Todd's lips, a destination pondered for so many smiles, so many laughs, so many memories.
As they come together, their lips finally touching, a kiss long awaited after the comprehension of a lifetime, Neil can feel his heart starting to beat again. As if his body realizes what he really could be alive for.
Neil tears his hand away from the window and places it on the crook of Todd's neck, deepening the kiss. He feels Todd's lips against his, somehow soft amidst the cold, snowy weather outside, and moves his head just slightly to fit right with Todd's.
When they break away, their lips just grazing each other, Neil sighs deeply, adamant to keep Todd's eyes on his own.
He smiles then, for the first time since the standing ovation he received back at Henley Hall, his body feeling light as air.
"So... I'm not crazy?" He whispers to Todd.
"You never were," Todd replies, eyes shining, so curious and beautiful.
They both laugh, a thousand whispered words and feelings too afraid to confess, gone in just seconds, replaced by smiles and laughs, Neil enamored by Todd's beauty as he pulls Todd back into their kiss, a million miles to the mere inches their hearts agree to share.