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It started during a court meeting, because for some reason Scowl-Face and another older member of the court Neil dubbed Long-Beard were still part of it. As much as Neil hated it, he knew Andrew did more. It wasn’t that it was difficult to find new people for his court, it’s just that Scowl-Face and Long-Beard had too tight a grip on their positions. The fact was that Andrew couldn’t let them go right now.
Usually that wasn’t a problem. But today it was.
“What?” Andrew asked for the second time.
“It’s about the future of the kingdom, Your Majesty,” said Scowl-Face. Neil felt frozen, wanting to speak up and tell the man to shut the hell up, but he couldn’t get his mouth to work. “One day someone else must take the throne. It’s about time you started thinking about - “
“I’ll be the one to decide that,” Andrew said calmly. Too calmly.
“Of course, Your Majesty,” Scowl-Face said with a few nods. “We just feel it’s important to bring our concerns to you immediately.”
Andrew stood up in his seat at the table and leaned forward. “Who else here is concerned about there being an heir to the throne?”
Nobody else spoke up, which Neil thought was smart. He thought that he now technically counted as one of the people concerned, but it wasn’t in the way Andrew meant. Andrew wanted to know who was shoving in on his business. Neil was freaking out because, while it was obvious Andrew was a King, he’d forgotten there were things a royal family had to do.
Like having kids.
More importantly, making sure that there would be someone to ascend to the throne one day. Neil knew that his something with Andrew wasn’t going to fulfill that, but at the same time he hated the idea of Andrew finding someone to….oh no, to have a baby with. It sounded wrong, it felt wrong, but Neil couldn’t get the thoughts out of his head. He knew he was starting to spiral down a path that would consume him, but he just couldn’t get out of it. This was, unfortunately, one of Andrew’s responsibilities…
“If you’re going to worry about the kingdom,” Andrew continued when nobody said anything, “then worry about the people already in it. I will decide when to worry about an heir.”
The statement should’ve brought some calm to the storm running rampant in Neil’s mind, but it didn’t. The only thing he could focus on was the word ‘when’ . To him, that just meant it was inevitable. One day Andrew was going to have to have a kid, end of story. Neil just couldn’t be a part of that.
He almost gasped when he felt a poke on one of his hands gripping his thighs tightly enough to hurt. Neil focused again, glancing down to see one of Andrew’s hands reaching out from under the table after he’d sat down. Neil managed to let go of his thigh to grab that hand like a lifeline, probably holding on too tightly, but Andrew’s face didn’t give anything away. He just continued the meeting like usual, asking how the food supply was in preparation for the winter and other things Neil should’ve paid attention to, but he just couldn’t focus.
It felt like years before the meeting finally ended. Neil remained sitting until everyone else had left, still unable to bring himself to let go of Andrew’s hand. They had been sitting in silence for at least a full minute before Andrew broke it. “Neil,” he said quietly, “it doesn’t matter.”
“How can it not matter?” Neil asked, breaking out of his frozen state to face Andrew.
“Because I said so,” Andrew answered easily. “So don’t worry about it.”
Neil shook his head. “I can’t stop.”
Andrew managed to pull his hand away, reaching slowly for the back of Neil’s neck. His grip there somehow calmed Neil more, tension starting to slowly leave his shoulders until he started to slump over in the chair. “Let me spell it out for you, since you’re too much of an idiot to get it,” Andrew whispered. “I’m not leaving, and neither are you.”
Oh. Oh. That was the closest they’ve gotten to saying out loud what their ‘this’ was. But hearing Andrew say that helped, and Neil let out a sigh of relief he hadn’t known was bottled up in his throat. “I feel like I should be sorry,” he mumbled.
Andrew shrugged. “Worrying means you care.”
Neil let out a quiet laugh. “I guess. But what about - ?”
“An heir?” Andrew interrupted. His grip on Neil’s neck fell away and he leaned back in his seat as though thinking. “We don’t need to worry about that. The only reason anyone is saying they’re ‘concerned’ is because they’re trying to push me around to grab power.”
“But if it’s important for the kingdom…”
“One day it will be, but we’ll worry about it then,” Andrew decided.
Neil looked down at his hands in his lap. “What if they kick you out?”
“Kick out the King?” Andrew asked, sounding amused. “I guess they could. But if that’s what gets me kicked out, then I don’t want to be here in the first place.”
“How can you say that?” Neil asked, looking up again. “You’re fine with losing the kingdom?”
“I’m not losing you,” Andrew replied, crossing his arms. The look on his face was almost a glare, like he was daring Neil to argue with him.
Neil didn’t want to argue with him. Hearing that made him smile, but he felt guilty about it, because apparently Andrew was willing to choose him over the kingdom. “You shouldn’t talk like that,” he scolded, ducking his head.
“I’ll talk however I want,” Andrew said. He leaned forward and reached a hand out, lightly gripping the back of Neil's neck again. "Yes or no?"
After raising his head again, allowing Andrew to see his smile, Neil told him, "Yes."
Andrew gave him a short but meaningful kiss, one thumb gently rubbing his nape for a moment. Then he got out of his seat. “I’m meeting Dan and Kevin to see how the project you pushed on them is going.”
Neil made a noise of protest. “The raiders aren’t a project,” he complained.
“And they’re not raiders anymore, either,” Andrew replied. “It was a bad idea.”
“Just because Jack brings down the mood all the time doesn’t mean it was a bad idea.”
Andrew grunted, starting to walk away. “He needs to watch his mouth, or I’ll throw him in the dungeons.”
Neil watched him go, not realizing his smile was still on his face until the doors closed. Slowly it fell away as he was left alone in the throne room, because even though Andrew reassured him that there really was nothing to worry about, now that the thought was there it wouldn’t leave his head. He sighed loudly and got to his feet, deciding to get some work done to try and get his mind off of things like kids.
The one thing that always brought Neil’s mood up if he couldn’t be around Andrew was working on his garden. True to his word, Andrew had gotten him a huge greenhouse built in one of the palace’s back courtyards. It wasn’t like the greenhouses Renee had shown him in the past with tiny forests inside, but instead the perfect place to grow the things he needed to make potions and charms.
For about an hour he worked in silence, gathering the things he needed to get to work on some potions to prevent pain for Abby, who requested some for her patients. Focusing helped to clear his mind since he had to make sure portions were exactly right, lest he end up making something poisonous or making something explode. But eventually he had to wait for it to brew, sitting down at the small workbench he had and staring at the opal Andrew had given him. He was trying to think of something to do with it, but so far nothing had come to him.
It was strange, since he really had needed more gemstones for charms. And an opal like this one would be perfect for any he decided to make, but no ideas would come. Neil almost wanted to get upset about that, but he couldn’t get upset at a stone.
“Hey!”
Brought out of his thoughts, Neil looked up to see Robin walking down the length of the greenhouse towards him. He smiled and waved a hand, shifting on his stool to face her. She and the other raiders from the group that had attacked Neil and Andrew, what felt like forever ago, had made it into the royal guard, so she wore a tunic with the Palmetto crest on it. After a day of work she often found Neil here, and they would talk about things like magic and gossip about what was going on in the palace.
“How was practice?” he asked when she got close enough.
She sat down on an empty stool and shrugged. “It was alright. A bit more tiring than usual, but I think both Dan and Kevin were fed up with whatever Jack was pulling today.”
“Need me to steal his voice again?”
“Ha, no.” She shrugged. “Andrew reminded him why he was here. At least, I think.”
Neil smiled at the thought of Andrew actually needing to step in and tell Jack to shut the hell up. It was a nice thought, and he only slightly regretted not following along to witness it himself.
“You didn’t come by,” Robin pointed out, a cute pout on her face.
“Too much on my mind,” Neil admitted. He nodded his head towards where his potion was brewing. “And I needed to get that done.”
Robin sniffed, frowning to herself. “I can’t tell what it is.”
“Potion for pain,” Neil explained. “Mushrooms.”
She shook her head. “I still think all potions smell the same.”
Neil wasn’t going to argue. Some potions did smell similar, but each one was different. He’d tried explaining that to Robin in the past but she didn’t focus on that kind of magic, even if she wanted to learn. The only reason Neil could tell what a potion was by smell was because he’d been making them for years. “What do they smell like?”
“Like a... potion , I don’t know.” Robin shook her head. “Anyways, what’s on your mind?”
At this point, Robin was basically his best friend other than Matt, so he’d be comfortable telling her about what happened in the court. He hesitated long enough for her to sit up straighter, a more serious aura around her. “Just something stupid said in the court meeting.”
“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you,” Robin argued.
“I guess,” Neil agreed. “But it is. Me and Andrew both talked about it, we know it’s nothing to worry about.”
“But you still are.”
“Yeah.”
She hummed. “Walk me through it.”
“Some court members want him to have a kid already,” he said in a rush.
“Oh,” Robin said in surprise. “Why? He hasn’t even been king for a year, yet.”
Neil hadn’t thought about that. “I don’t know. It's the old guys.”
“That one guy with the permanent scowl on his face?” Robin asked, glaring at the worktable. “He’s the worst.”
“Yeah,” Neil agreed. “He basically told Andrew to have a kid or else.”
“And I imagine Andrew didn’t take that well?”
“Not really,” Neil confirmed. “I mean, he told me not to worry about it because he’s not going to let anyone else tell us what to do. And I believe that, but it still worries me.”
Robin held out a hand. Neil took it and let her squeeze his fingers. “I don’t think you have to worry about anything,” she said kindly. “Listen, Andrew isn’t going anywhere, and I know you aren’t, either. You’re still young, you’ve got so much time left before you should think about something as big as kids.”
She was right, and hearing someone else say that definitely helped. “Thanks,” Neil told her with a grateful smile. “I can’t believe I needed a teenager to tell me that, but thanks.”
“You guys aren’t that much older than me,” she huffed.
“I guess not,” Neil agreed. He looked down at his table again, to where the opal sat. “What should I do with that?”
Robin glanced at it. “I thought you said it was a gift from Andrew.”
“That’s why I’m having so much trouble figuring out what to do with it.”
“Well…” Robin shrugged. “I know you said you wanted to use it for charms, but maybe you should just make a necklace.”
“A necklace?” Neil asked, letting go of Robin’s hand to pick up the gem and get a better look at it.
“Yeah. You could use some of it for charms, and a little bit for a necklace. I think it would be cute.” She grinned. “Plus, then you can have something from Andrew everywhere you go. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
Neil lightly pushed her shoulder enough that she got out of the stool with a loud laugh. “Maybe,” he decided, continuing to stare at the gem. It just seemed too nice to do anything with, as weirdly as it sounded.
“So,” Robin spoke up, walking towards the potion. “Teach me how this one works.”
Neil finally looked away from the opal, setting it down on his workbench so he could get up and tell Robin how to properly make a potion to prevent pain.
~*~
The comments didn’t stop.
Somehow Scowl-Face and Long-Beard got two more of Andrew’s court members to join in with their “concerns”. “Your Majesty, it would be wise to arrange more meetings with the nobles. I know many Lords with - “
“No,” Andrew would reply immediately. Sometimes Neil would threaten to steal a voice or two, telling everyone if they didn’t have anything productive to say then they shouldn’t say anything at all.
Long-Beard was much more forward with his thoughts. “Your Majesty, it’s time that you start looking for a queen.”
“Why,” Andrew had asked, staring blankly at him.
“Why?” the elderly man asked back, clearly fuming. “Because it’s important that the royal family - “
“Why?” Andrew had asked again. Neil would’ve cut in but he noticed the amusement on Andrew’s face as he watched the man stumble through answering until he eventually gave up.
It was weird, because although Neil and Andrew had both come to an agreement about what the comments meant to them both, he just couldn’t stop thinking about them. He felt guilty talking to his friends about his issues more than Andrew, but it felt right to get more opinions. He visited the guard while they were training one day and practiced with Matt, feeling the stress in his mind drain away the longer they bantered while clashing swords.
“Hey, Matt?” he asked when they took a break. Matt hummed that he was paying attention while unbuckling some of his armor. “What do you think about kids?”
Matt nearly fell over. “Shh sh!” he hissed, glancing left and right in a panic. “Don’t ask me that!”
“Why?”
“What if Dan hears you?” Matt whined. “What if she feels differently than me?”
“Hey, that’s what I wanted to ask you about…” Neil began. He paused when Dan walked over, a smirk on her face.
“What if I feel differently about what?” she asked.
Matt stiffened. “Um…”
“I was asking about kids,” Neil told her. “But actually - “
“Why are you freaking out about kids?” Dan asked, playfully pushing Matt’s shoulder.
“Wha - ? Are we at that point that we can talk about that?” Matt asked, eyes lighting up.
“Sure,” Dan replied, sounding completely calm while she shrugged once. “Tonight?”
Neil grimaced. “Ew, guys,” he mumbled.
“Sorry, Neil,” Dan teased, patting his shoulder as though to comfort him. “I forgot how innocent you are.”
Matt was shaking his head. Neil managed a weak laugh. “Listen,” he said more seriously after a moment. “Some people have been pushing Andrew to have kids.”
“Oh,” Matt said, sounding surprised.
“That’s rude,” Dan huffed, crossing her arms. “Never push someone about things like that. Let them decide things on their own time.”
Neil agreed, and Matt appeared to as well. “They’ve been annoying me too,” he admitted, “because me and Andrew agreed we don’t need to worry about that right now.”
“But they keep coming,” Dan guessed. “Sorry to break it to you guys, but they’re not going to stop.”
“I know.”
“But an heir is important,” Matt added. “I mean, you should probably research how complicated royal families are. If you guys never had one, someone random could take the throne one day.”
Neil hadn’t researched the royal family, mostly because he just didn’t care. He’d always thought that it would just be him and Andrew, and that they’d be able to shut down any opinions that didn’t matter. But suddenly he wasn’t so sure, because for some reason, the thoughts about what Scowl-Face said couldn’t get out of Neil’s head. And Andrew caught on early and seemed to make it a daily effort to tell Neil that there seriously wasn’t anything wrong with ignoring those comments.
And Neil knew that. He’d ignored a lot of comments made during court meetings. It’s just that he really cared about this.
Because he’d come to realize that he wasn’t ready for kids, and he may never be ready for them, either. It wasn’t that having one terrified Neil, but the idea made him uncomfortable at best. He liked having Andrew all to himself and the dynamic their ‘this’ had become. He didn’t want to change things from how they were already, especially by shoving another human into the mix simply because they had to.
Neil’s childhood had sucked, plain and simple. He was never allowed to be a normal kid, and didn’t want anyone else to end up the way that he did. It wasn’t that he couldn’t raise a living being: back in the Enchanted Forest he’d raised Screecher and her fellow fox kits, and he liked to think that they turned out alright. But there was a big difference between a human child and fox kits, and Neil would take handling fox kits first any day.
But he didn’t know how Andrew felt about this. He liked to think they were on the same page with that things would be moving too quickly, and that Andrew wasn’t ready to look after a child either, but Neil wasn’t sure. Andrew kept telling him that they’d worry about things like that when they couldn’t ignore it anymore, which was reassuring in the short term but for later down the road? Neil would go through all of this again, and the last thing he wanted was for him to have to walk away from the best thing that had happened to him in his life because he didn’t want to have children.
So, that’s where his mind’s been. He’s also been keeping those things to himself, because every time he thinks he has the courage to ask Andrew about it, he clams up and worries that that would be the end of everything. So instead he kept torturing himself by thinking of scenarios in which everything falls apart and he had to go back to the Enchanted Forest, alone and miserable forever.
This was probably something he should bring up to Matt and Dan while he could.
“I don’t…” he started saying, stopping himself after a moment. “I don’t know what to do,” he said instead.
“That’s okay,” Dan reassured him, a comforting smile on her face. “You said you already talked to Andrew about this?”
“Yeah. It’s just that they won’t stop bringing it up, and I can’t do anything about it.” Neil scowled to himself. “It’s not like I can give him a kid.”
“Let’s never mention that again,” Matt groaned, covering his eyes.
Neil agreed. “I mean,” he mumbled, wringing his hands. “Witches are pretty good at finding firstborns.”
Dan laughed. “Yeah, in books,” she argued. “Listen. They’re not going to stop saying those things, but you shouldn’t let it get to you, either.”
“But what if we have to do this?” Neil asked.
“What if you don’t?” Dan asked back. Neil felt shocked to silence, unable to think of something to say back, and Dan seemed to understand that. “You keep asking if you have to, but the fact is that you just don’t. If you don’t want to, then don’t do it. Simple as that.”
It just sounded too good to be true, but Neil nodded because he wasn’t sure what else to say. “Yeah,” Matt agreed, patting his back. “You’re a magic-user. Nobody can boss you around.”
He was right about that. “I’ll have to ask Robin about that visions spell,” Neil said with a smirk.
“I don’t need two of you,” Dan huffed. “Tell her to stop terrorizing people that annoy her. I’ve had at least ten complaints, and even if they deserved it, I can’t keep ignoring them.”
Neil wasn’t going to. He was sure Robin had her reasons.
After that talk, he found that he felt much better than before. Neil thought it would be important to really talk to Andrew about the whole ‘heir’ thing sooner than later, but he still just couldn’t get the words out. So instead he continued doing things like usual, working with Robin and making what he needed for people around the palace and in the kingdom. Like now, he was riding down the roads of Foxhole to Abby and Wymack’s place to deliver some more potions for preventing pain. His brown mare, Esprit, had seemed to sense something was a bit off but didn’t push for answers. Instead she just continued the familiar route without Neil’s direction since his mind was wandering.
When they arrived at the blacksmith shop, Neil waved to Wymack and walked up the stairs to the second story, where the main house was. Abby was inside, sitting on the bed with a dazed look on her face. Her dress was stained with blood but Neil knew by now not to worry - she was a nurse, and sometimes when she got back from a particularly rough day of working she wouldn’t change right away.
“Abby?” Neil called, stopping a few feet away. When she turned to look at him, offering a small smile, he gestured to the basket in his hands. “The potions.”
“Thank you,” Abby said sincerely, getting to her feet. She took the basket and put it on the kitchen counter, finally glancing down at her dress and sighing. “Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Neil assured. “I’ve seen blood before.”
Abby didn’t comment on that. She pointed at the potions and said, “Those are amazing.”
“Oh, well, they’re not hard to make,” Neil said with a shrug. “I can easily make more.” When Abby still didn’t seem up for talking, Neil took a few steps closer and thought he’d offer to help. She’d done that for him in the past, and now she was a friend, so he didn’t want her to suffer in silence. “What happened?”
She shrugged. “A very difficult birth,” she explained. “Your potions helped the mother, but unfortunately…”
He just couldn’t escape any talk about kids, could he? “You couldn’t save the baby,” Neil guessed.
“Oh, no, the baby is fine,” Abby said, waving a hand. “A healthy baby girl. No, we lost the mother today.”
She said it calmly, but there were tears in her eyes and her voice was shaky. If he was someone else Neil would’ve offered a hug, but he was pretty sure Abby didn’t want the contact any more than he did. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“I am too,” she admitted. “At least she’ll have her father.”
Neil bit his lip. “Maybe I could try to find something that would - “
“Oh, don’t worry yourself, Neil. These things happen all the time.”
“But they shouldn’t.”
Abby nodded. “You’re right. It’s just life.”
He looked down, suddenly unsure how to feel. “What if the children don’t have fathers?” he dared to ask.
After a moment of silence, Abby said, “They go to an orphanage. It’s not the best, but thanks to Andrew, things have improved.”
Neil nodded. “Okay. Abby, if I can help, I want to.”
“Are you sure?”
He was. He wasn’t an alchemist or wizard, but he’d done his fair share of experimentation with potions and charms in the past. There had to be something he could come up with. He looked up and said, “I want to.”
The tears in Abby’s eyes had finally spilled over. She nodded. “Alright. Thank you.”
“Of course,” Neil replied.
After an awkward goodbye, Neil walked back down the stairs and made his way to the small stables next to Wymack’s. He couldn’t bring himself to get moving right away, instead leaning against Esprit’s side for a moment and taking a deep breath. He felt drained and yet jittery at the same time, and really wished that Renee was around to talk, but she and Allison had gone back to the estate near the mountains for a short vacation.
Why the hell can’t I stop thinking about kids? Neil asked himself.
Maybe he and Andrew should visit one of the orphanages and take in a child from there. The thought still terrified him, and yet it made Neil feel easier. At least that way the child could be given a better life in the palace, but at the same time…
They shouldn’t take in a kid unless they wanted one.
That was just the end of it. And he was pretty sure Andrew would feel the same way.
“No more bottling shit up,” Neil told Esprit, patting her side. “I’m telling him tonight. Don’t let me forget.”
No forget, Esprit snorted at him. Tell. Feel better.
“Yeah,” Neil agreed. “Want some water before we go?”
Yes.
Admitting out loud that he was going to talk to Andrew helped. He started walking to where the nearest well was, near a few back alleys about a block away. As he pulled the barrel out, glancing once at the sky just to take a deep breath, he suddenly heard a strange noise from behind. Neil glanced over his shoulder with a frown, trying to figure out where it was coming from, eventually figuring it was in one of the alleys. He took a few steps down it, trying to stay quiet and listen for the noise he’d heard.
There it was again. It was some kind of cry, like…
Neil gasped at what he saw.
~*~
It was weird to be sneaking back into the palace - a place he lived - but Neil felt like he had to. He’d wrapped his cloak more around himself, trying to keep what was hidden underneath a secret. So far no noises had escaped, but he also hadn’t run into Andrew yet. What he was doing was just delaying the inevitable, because he’d need to make sure that Andrew was okay with what he was planning.
He supposed it was lucky it was dinnertime, so most of his friends were eating, and hopefully Andrew would be as well. Neil was making his way to their quarters at the moment, hoping that Andrew wasn’t waiting there for him but willing to guess that he was. Neil closed his eyes for a moment as he walked, scolding himself in his head for what he was doing. He didn’t regret it - at least, not yet - but it was pretty childish. Like a little kid trying to hide something from their parents, or something.
This is dumb, Neil thought, walking more quickly down the hall to their room. Why are you even hiding this? Why the hell is this a big deal?
“Neil.”
Neil froze just a few steps away from the door. So close, and yet so far, but he couldn’t be surprised that Andrew had found him already. Neil glanced over his shoulder to see Andrew leaning against the opposite wall, arms crossed with a small frown on his face. Not angry, but very curious. “Hey,” Neil greeted, clearing his throat when his voice cracked.
“What do you have there?” Andrew asked.
Neil hadn’t come up with an excuse. In the middle of trying to wrap his head around what to say, a short cry sounded from under his cloak, and he knew he was done for. “Drugs,” he quickly said. “I mean, potions. I mean, potion ingredients!”
“Stop,” Andrew ordered, pushing off the wall and walking closer. Neil thought he’d ask to see what he had right then and there, but instead he just pushed open the door to their room and gestured for Neil to follow. He did, walking towards their bed and sitting down on the mattress, Andrew following him but not taking a seat. “Show me.”
Slowly, Neil pulled his cloak back, revealing what he’d been sneaking into the palace. What he’d found in the alley were two small kittens, both a bit malnourished and chilled from the coming winter. One was gray and larger than its sibling, which had fluffier but dirtier fur in blacks and browns and even tiny patches of orange. It hadn’t taken too long to gain enough trust from the two that they crawled into his arms, accepting the scraps of food he had on him and the water he’d gotten for Esprit. And the last thing he wanted to do was leave them there, so he’d brought them here instead.
“They were all alone,” Neil tried to explain, rubbing behind the gray kitten’s ears. “I couldn’t leave them. Winter’s coming, they won’t survive it alone.”
“So, you snuck them inside?”
“Yeah,” Neil replied sheepishly. He finally looked up to face Andrew, who was staring at the kittens with a look of indifference. He didn’t seem to care that Neil had brought them here, but he had to be sure. “Do you like cats?”
Andrew shrugged once. “I used to feed a few when I was younger.”
“Hm,” Neil hummed, glancing down at the kittens again. They were crawling around in his lap, turning their heads back and forth as though they were trying to get a better look at everything.
“Are you taking them in for the winter?” Andrew continued, finally sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Or do you want to keep them?”
“I want to keep them,” Neil decided. “You know me. I get attached to animals.”
“Ha,” Andrew huffed drily, reaching up to flick Neil’s forehead. “I don’t mind if they stay.”
Neil couldn’t help but smile. “That’s good.”
“Hm.” After a moment of silence, Andrew continued by asking, “Neil, why do you want the kittens?”
“Huh? I thought it was obvious. I couldn’t leave them there, not if I can bring them here, where they’ll be safe and fed.”
“I know there’s more to it than that,” Andrew brought up. “I’m not stupid.”
“I never thought you were,” Neil replied, glancing down again. “I guess there is. But…”
Before he could finish his thought, Andrew cut in. “It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you.”
“It’s a bit stupid, ‘cause we’ve already talked about it.” Neil sighed once. “It’s about the kid thing.”
“What about it?”
Neil thought about how to say what he wanted. This was something that had been on his mind for a long time, and he didn’t like keeping things from Andrew. He hated it, actually. The only reason he’d kept quiet was because he didn’t want to accidentally make things awkward because this was a huge step, and they’re comfortable now, so…
“I hate that they’re putting so much pressure on you,” Neil finally got out, holding the kittens more closely in his lap. They squirmed but didn’t try to get far, which was helping him feel just a bit more comforted when he was about to start this huge conversation with Andrew, who was just staying silent and watching him. Neil shook his head and closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see that look. “On us,” he corrected. “They may not know it’s on the both of us, but it is.
“This is such a huge step and I hate that they think it’s okay to make demands like it’s nothing. ‘Just have a kid’ - it’s not that simple!” Fuck, shut up , Neil wanted to just stop but now he was on a roll and there was no way that was going to happen anytime soon. “That’s our choice. We shouldn’t be thinking about kids or trying to have kids because other people want us to. We should do that if we want to, because if we do it any other way then that kid’s just gonna be used and they’ll know we only had them because there needs to be an heir to the throne, and…”
Neil trailed off. He felt almost out of breath, but there wasn’t any reason to be, was there? Then again, he’d been holding this in for so long. He’s had such a shitty childhood and he knew Andrew’s wasn’t any better, and he wasn’t going to do the same thing to any other kid. He just wasn’t, and that was the end of it.
Slowly, he opened his eyes again. “If we want a kid, then we should have one. Otherwise we’re not going to. Okay?”
And for a moment Neil was nervous, scared that Andrew wasn’t going to think the same way. Scared that Andrew was going to listen to those elders in his stupid court and go along with what they wanted. Scared he’d have to walk away from the best thing in his life because he wasn’t ready to be a parent and just the thought of having to take care of kittens was a lot, not to mention a human kid.
But those worries melted away when he looked Andrew in the eyes again. And Andrew was smiling, not a big grin but the tiny quirk upwards of the corners of his lips that was completely reserved for Neil. Very slowly, he reached one hand out and cupped Neil’s cheek, thumb running over the scars underneath Neil’s left eye. Neil let himself relax with a quiet sigh, leaning into the touch.
“What?” he finally asked after a few moments.
“You said ‘we’,” Andrew whispered.
He had. “Yeah,” Neil mumbled. “Unless you had someone else in mind to have a kid with.”
“No.”
“Then we’re on the same page.”
Andrew moved closer on the bed until their knees touched, the kittens in Neil’s lap getting up to explore the new human in front of them. “You mean what you said?” Andrew asked.
“Course I do. Wouldn’t have said it otherwise.”
“Good.” Finally, Andrew averted his gaze, looking down at the kittens now crawling around his thighs. “I’m not ready to be a parent, either,” he said, hand falling away from Neil’s cheek to pet one of the kitten’s behind its ears. “I may never be ready.”
“That’s okay,” Neil said back. “I don’t know if I will, either.”
“But I agree with you. If we have a kid, it’s because we’re ready and because we want one. Not because some old fucker wants us to.”
With the amount of relief he felt, Neil felt a smile rise on his face. Why had he kept this all bottled away? It was so much easier to just talk things through out loud. And Andrew never would’ve judged him, so why did he ever consider that before? Andrew, who always made sure Neil was 100% sure of anything they did before they jumped into it. Andrew, who never rushed or demanded anything more than Neil was ready to give. Andrew, who was his home and world.
“But what about an heir?” Neil bit out, because he needed to ask. Needed to know the answer.
“If we never have a kid, that’s our problem,” Andrew began. “If Aaron and Katelyn have more than one, we’ll be fine. I know Nicky and Erik have thought about finding someone in the past.” He looked up again, unwavering. “There’s more options, even if it doesn’t feel like it. And we have lots of time to think about things.”
He was right, they did. After all, Andrew hadn’t even been King for a year yet and Aaron had only just gotten married a few months ago. Hell, they were just in their early twenties. They didn’t need to worry about that, even if it would annoy some people in the court.
“So. Kittens?” Andrew asked.
“Uh, right.” Neil reached down to pet one of them, smiling to himself when it leaned into the touches with a tiny purr. “They were alone, I couldn’t just leave them. And I guess I thought this could be a test, or something. If we can take care of kittens, maybe we could take care of a baby.”
He didn’t need to look up to see the unimpressed look. He could feel it on the top of his head. “Three hundred,” Andrew hummed, moving the kitten’s back to Neil as he got to his feet.
“That seems like a bit much,” Neil teased, watching Andrew make his way towards their chamber doors. “Where are you going?”
“To fire someone, and get a new court,” Andrew called back as he left the room.
Laughter bubbled up from Neil’s throat. He laid back on the bed, smiling at the kittens when they moved to settle on his chest and near his head, purring and meowing in his ears. It was only around then that he realized they were going to need to find some things to take care of the kittens, and very quickly.
“Do you think Andrew would mind it if you slept in the bed with us?” he asked the kittens. They only offered tiny meows in response instead of anything helpful, like telling Neil that Andrew most definitely would mind. He’d have to teach them to speak to him, along with finding them beds, and more food for the night. And toys, they’d need some. Oh, and what about when he and Andrew worked all day? Who would look after them then?
Already this was tiring. But Neil was ready for it, because the only thing that would make him feel more comfortable at the moment was if Andrew was cuddling in bed with them as well.