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He knew that he isn't supposed to drink, especially during one of those nights. Especially with a prescription for his new anxiety meds. But it was all justified: there is a business that needs to be taken care of, clients that need to be pleased and connections that must be maintained.
One of the clients invited him to dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary; the man was polite and just wanted to thank him for all the hard work Cherry put in his commission. He ordered some drinks and it would be rude to tell him that Kaoru is actually trying to avoid alcohol as much as possible. Kaoru couldn't even think of any excuses. The drinks weren't strong, so he went along with it.
It was fine until it wasn't.
If you asked Kaoru what exactly went wrong, he couldn't tell you. There was nothing that could set him off, no triggers, no memories, no unpleasant situations. He could feel it crawling up his skin. He needed to go, needed to escape this place, especially because it was becoming harder for him to keep the conversation light and easy. Or even keep the conversation in general. Luckily, the client got a sudden call and he had to go.
They parted ways next to the park. There were smiles and polite goodbyes.
And then there was dizziness.
Kaoru knew exactly what's happening, but his head was too clouded to assest the risks. With dizziness came shallow breaths, the ones that hurt his lungs. He sat down on a bench and hoped it's just gonna go away its gonna go away like it always does, the breathing excercises work he just needs to make it work-
His phone was ringing.
2 missed calls.
Who is it? Kaoru couldn't tell. Why can't i tell? Blur. All he could see was a blur. Something wet fell on his phone. Oh.. I'm crying. In public. I am sitting there, crying and wheezing and i am in public and oh god-
Kojiro, 19:50
"Hey, i cooked you some pasta. You always come at this hour, so it's warm and ready for you. Dont let it cool down? ;)"
20:00 "Okay I'm never being nice to you ever again you asshole"
20:02 "But you're coming, right?"
20:05 "Kaoru? "
-2 missed calls-
20:07 "Is everything okay? Where are you?"
20:10 "Kaoru, I know it might be hard for you right now, but please answer the phone. Click one button, you can do that"
-Incoming call from Kojiro-
"Kaoru?", Joe sounded like he was already running, but he was just putting his shoes on, the sound of keys dangling could be heard. "Kaoru are you there?"
"Ko-- Kojiro", Kaoru didn't sound like himself. He haven't sounded like that in his entire life. Probably. His voice was muffled, watery and a bit broken. His breaths turned quicker every minute. Oh god I'm gonna pass out here and die and i haven't even--
"Kaoru, I need you to focus for a second. I'm going to get you. I need you to tell me where you are so I can get you", Joe sounded urgent and it only made Kaoru more panicked, because i can't take care of myself, he has an entire restaurant to clean and close soon, he was supposed to meet up with Reki, not do this, not drive to an adult man just because he got a little stressed after alcohol, because he can't even handle a few drinks and why does he even bother--
"Hey, hey! I'm already out. You have nothing to worry about. Focus, Kaoru. Location. One word. Come one you can do it, i know you can". So Kojiro heard. Shit. He wasn't aware that he was talking out loud. So he heard everything and now he's gonna come and see this, this was never supposed to happen, but Kaoru needs it and he hates himself for how bad he needs someone to comfort him, he has never needed anything more than this. This just brings guilt into his chest.
"I'm s-sorry", he breathes. He hears an engine turned on through his phone. His whole face is wet with tears and snot now.
"Don't give me that. Location. I need location", ah. Kojiro is just like that. Never takes any shit from people, now he was just like always is. Strong and a bit stupid. But his stupidity has a big heart and Kaoru's mouth moves on his own when he says "Park".
And then nothing. He can't feel a single thing. He's probably breathing too quickly, but it's not noticable by him. Kaoru decided that he needs to pay his best friends the gas money, but in the end he decided on also buying him some chocolate bars. He watches himself paying for water and some snacks. How did he get there? This is not the park anymore. He told Kojiro he's in the park. He needs to come back.
He feels incredibly stupid.
Kaoru dealt with numbness after panic attacks. It's nothing Kojiro could help with and it's nothing he cant handle. Its 20:45 and it's fine. Kojiro should still greet late night costumers and laugh at their bad jokes. Maybe after closing he could go to the bar he always can't seem to shut up about and meet the girls he always sees him at the mall with. He should be out there. Not coming to Kaoru, who has Everything Under Control.
He's deep in thoughts when he sees him. Green hair and a strong posture. Warmth. Face full of warmth.
Kaoru is so cold lately. He's completely freezing now.
When Kojiro notices him, Kaoru can't do anything else than reach his arms out to him. One second he's taking little steps like that, the next he feels strong muscles underneath his palms, elbows and arms. Around his waist. Hands splayed on his back, rubbing the skin.
Kaoru loses the ability to speak. It's not the only thing he loses at that moment. Kaoru just loses it all.
All he feels is Kojiro and he can't. Just can't. So he cries.
Cries turnes to shallow, quick breahts, which causes rapid heartbeat.
Kojiro is speaking. He can't understand it. And then he can't even hear it.
Kaoru is close to full-blown panic. He feels like a wild animal. He's hyperventilating but Kojiro is still holding him tight. He's not letting go, couldn't let him go. Not like that.
Kaoru is losing it. He tries listening to Kojiro's heartbeat, to feel it, which is a bit fast but still calming, and clings to his hoodie with slender fingers. He tried to remember what to do, what he has been told to do to make it stop but can't. It makes him panic more. He's whimpering, speaking nonsense. He decides to press his forehead to Joe's chest and the he tries to breathe. The sounds escaping him are shameful, ugly and wet. He feels humiliated. But he's trying to catch a breath. He's trying.
He needs oxygen. He doesn't have oxygen, can't get it. Oh god he's gonna die, he is dying..
Weak.
He's too weak.
His vision goes black just for a second. It's enough to make his knees buckle under himself, but Kojiro catches him. Ironically it makes him take a big breath after a big breath. He feels fingers in his hair. Soothing. He leans into the feeling as if his life depended on him. It probably does. His whole body is limp - he doesn't know how he's currently standing but it's happening. His arms are useless. He rests his palm on the seams of Joe's hoodie. His breath is slower. He sways a little.
"You really like when someone plays with your hair, don't you? Like a little kitten", Joe is nervously teasing him now and both of them know it. Kaoru can't afford anything else than a whimper right now.
Thats how Joe knows that it's nowhere near over. He knows it from the lack of a bitchy response, from the way Kaoru clings to his hoodie.
Unfortunately, he knows it from the sobs that are wrecking Kaoru's body and it wrecks his heart too.
"Is this a panic attack? Is that what we're dealing with?" Kaoru feels more than he hears, the rumbling in Joe's chest giving more comfort that he'd ever like to admit. All he can do is nod.
His knees buckle once more, from exhaustion. Still for a few seconds. "Hey, hey i gotchu" - Kojiro still catches him. Kaoru, not looking from Joe's chest, picks his hand up and shows him 3 fingers.
"3 panic attacks? Jesus, Kaoru.. "
It pains him that he can't speak, can't tell Joe to just leave him at the nearest hospital, that he's not worth it all. Boring Not worth it. Boring. Boringboringbo-
Worthelss.
A Brat.
A problem.
Uncompetent piece of shit.
Waste of time.
Waste of space.
Fucking die already, just do it, don't make his life harder-
Kaoru whines, then sobs. His breath quickens, once again. He hits lightly on Kojiro's muscular arm and shows him 4 fingers - he already knows what that means.
"Kaoru, I'm gonna hold you very, very tight. You're gonna listen to my heartbeat and we're gonna breathe together. I know its hard, but you're gonna try. You can hold on to whatever you want. I think you need to hold on."
Kojiro was there for Cherry's mild anxiety attacks. He was always there with a glass of water, with a warm meal and with a proper pill. He has read many articles about anxiety disorder, but nothing could prepare him for the way his heart aches for his best friend right now.
He holds Cherry like the most precious thing in the whole world that could shatter if he lost his grip for a moment. This was getting worse. Always composed Cherry was now full on sobbing and wheezing. And Kojiro didn't know what set him off so he can't get rid of it. Helpless. That's the feeling dominating Kojiro's chest.
Kaoru pulled on his arm, then put a hand on his shoulder. His hand travelled shakily to his green locks and grabbed it weakly.
"I--I-I'm So--sorry", he spoke.
Kojiro felt broken. So he answered by putting his head on Cherry's shoulder, giving him better access for his hair. Kaoru grabbed his hair with his right hand only to pet it slightly and then run his fingers through it, tugging a little. The other hand grabbed his ear. Kojiro smiled breefly. Thats what he did when they were kids. Kojiro hoped it's gonna bring some good memories back.
Kaoru's breaths however didn't improve and it got to the point where he saw the stars. He managed to let out a pained whine as a warning before his vision went black. Kojiro was glad that he figured out what was gonna happen so he held Cherry tightly as he lost control over his body. It was only for about half a minute, and then Cherry was back to himself. Calmer. Still clinged to Joe's hoodie, but the wheezes died down. Cherry was just sobbing a bit, probably out of shame or exhaustion. He was still non-responsive and Kojiro knew it's how it sometimes is, so he decided to ask some "yes or no" questions.
"Kaoru, can you hear me?" - a small nod.
"Do you think it's over now?" - nothing. That's fair. It was a nasty one. Nasty ones, holy shit.
"Do you want to move somewhere?" - he shook his head.
"Kaoru, are you always alone when you're like that?" - hesitation. Then a small nod and clenched hands.
"Oh god, Kaoru.."
"I'm so.. So sorry. I'm gonna do something really stupid now", and saying that Kojiro put his head on top of Kaoru's and kissed his head.
Kaoru looked up. It was already dark, so Kojiro couldn't see much. He didn't see disgust though.
" S'kay" Kaoru's speech was a bit slurred now, "i need.. I think... Sit.. Help? "
Kojiro took his arm and put it around his shoulders. He really wanted to lift him and carry him to the nearest bench, but he could tell Cherry is coming down from the attack and is already embarrassed as it is, so he helped him walk. When they finally sat on the bench Cherry put his long legs over one of Kojiro's, which was significantly bigger and firmer; he also took one of Joe's hands in both of his and traced random patterns onto it. It was grounding and Cherry needed that. He was cold and tired and Joe's hand was big, warm and safe. Kojiro didn't talk, didn't know how and most importantly - wanted his friend to calm down completely. He let him hold his hand, not moving, afraid it's gonna scare Cherry off.
It was maybe ten minutes after that when Kaoru finally spoke, "I'm sorry you had to get me. I was sure i got this."
"You don't have to be sorry. I don't want you to."
"But i want to thank you too. If you weren't here then i think i'd have to go to the hospital. I can't afford that. I don't have that kind of time.
How can he still think about work after all that? , Kojiro couldn't wrap his head around that thought. Cherry was still speaking.
"Still, i interrupted your routine. I crossed the line. I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't ask you to stay here with me"
"What are you talking about? I came, because i wanted to."
"You came because I called."
"You didn't call me. Also i wanted to help, I always want to help you! And be there for you for that matter."
"I basically manipulated you into coming here when i knew you have so much work and--"
"Damn Kaoru is that really so hard to understand that i want to help the people i love!?", Joe's eyebrows are furrowed now. He's not angry, he was just caught off guard.
He wasn't the only one.
"I'm sorry for yelling. You didn't manipulate anyone. Give the people around you the benefit of the doubt okay? We are perfectly capable of making decisions for ourselves and if we decide to hold you when you need it, then fuck Kaoru, just let us in", Kojiro's thumb is moving now, gently caressing Kaoru's cold palm. But he isn't looking at their joined hands.
Unlike Kaoru. "I don't-- I-- Kojiro.", he almost whined.
Kojiro took his hand from his and this time Kaoru really whined. "Shh.. Just give me a moment, give me a moment", Kojiro murmured as he was removing his arm from between them and putting it around Kaoru's shoulders, so their sides could press gently. His hand returned to Kaoru's right one.
Kaoru held his hand and put his heavy head on his shoulder. The exhaustion, the clouds on his mind weighed on him. He wanted to drown that out and turned his head so his forehead was pressed to Kojiro's neck. The action granted him a kiss on his temple.
"Kojiro, I don't understand", now it was Kojiro's turn to trace patterns into his skin.
"Oh.. The good thing is that you don't have to worry your pretty head about it, okay? Just reach out to me anytime you need something. I'll do anything", that alone would burn Kaoru's pride in normal circumstances, but melted him at the moment. It also wasn't the thing Kaoru was confused about.
"You said you wanna help people you l-"
"Ah, ah, I slipped okay? Haha.. That definitely wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth, don't you worry about it. " Oh here it was. An awkward voice. The one that didn't have the strength to argue or wasn't fast enough to think of a good insult.
Kaoru was dumbfounded.
"You.. You love me?"
Silence. Kaoru hated it with burning passion, cause it just meant he misinterpreted the whole exchange of words. This is stupid. They're sitting there in the dark park like teenagers with too much time and he's asking stupid question. Of course it's not about it, how could anyone love.. This. He couldn't point out anything that is loveable within himself and he knows it. Adam might be actually right for once.
Oh. Kojiro is looking at him. But there is no confusion or pity on his face. Its just warmth, the kind you can drown in it. Kaoru could dive right into it and do just that. And it would be the best idea he had ever had.
"Come on, Kaoru. How could I not?"
"I'm not gonna pretend I didn't hear it. I might be a bit drunk and out of it but it's burned into my heart now", Cherry was being serious.
A sigh. Then a chuckle. It sounds like home.
Red eyes are sparkling and Kaoru thinks that he's seconds away from not being able to take it.
"I don't expect anything from you. No, it's actually not true, I expect you to eat dinner at my restaurant every friday and text me everytime you can't make it on time. I expect you to call me when you get like that and you're alone, even if it's 3am. I expect you to enjoy my food or at least give me some feedback. I expect you to skate with me on S and maybe to help me with Reki? He's struggling a lot and-
Kaoru wasn't thinking. It wasn't a hard thing to do, his face was right here and he wanted him to shut up. Only a bit. So he pressed his lips to Kojiro's mouth and it was it. The decision was made. It was made a long time ago, he just wasn't aware of it.
Kojiro put his other hand on Kaoru's cheek and caressed him gently. For a big guy like him, skating so aggresively, there was nothing rough about this kiss. Just a gentle touch of lips, two warm mouths, noses touching and love, that he felt pouring out of every pore of his body.
The kiss was patient in every way they weren't. They felt each loving moment with each passing second and that was enough. They had time for other things later.
Kojiro was the first to break it.
"Kaoru.. Do you-"
"Kojiro. Of course, how could I not?"
They chuckled. Suddenly it was so easy. It was easy to haul Kaoru on his wobbly legs, cause he refused to be carried. It was easy to hold his hand and lead him to Kojiro's car. It was easy to clutch Kojiro's hoodie and it was even easier to put it on himself to shield himself from the cold. It was easy to watch Kojiro drive, feel his hand on his left thigh and smell him everywhere, while playing with green locks.
It was easy to go home that night.