Chapter Text
Monday
“Are you sure? You already have so much on your plate.” Jisung frowned as Chan signed his name on the sheet.
“Yeah, I can handle it,” He laughed, adding the younger boy’s and Changbin’s names under his. He had signed up to be the project leader for their midterm assignment - Jisung had offered, but Chan felt better when he knew what was going on. Besides, he was always in charge of the projects. “We can meet up on Friday, okay?”
“Mm, I’m good for then.” Changbin nodded, eyes glued to his phone.
“I get out of class at five, so we can get dinner before we start working.” Jisung added.
“Perfect,” Chan grinned. “See you guys later!”
“What’re you running off for, hyung?” Changbin asked, glancing up from whatever riveting conversation he was having on his phone.
“Ah, I said I would help Minnie with his essay,” He slung his backpack over one shoulder and gave his friends a wave. “Text me if you need anything, okay?”
“Will do.” Changbin waved, his focus back on his phone again.
“Mm...” Jisung trailed off, watching Chan jog off in the direction of the library. Chan always told them to text him if they needed anything, but they rarely took him up on that offer - they knew he was already doing far too much.
They knew he was going to crack under the pressure, and they were scared of when that day finally came.
They had a feeling it was going to be soon.
Chan rushed across campus, already a little late. He promised Seungmin to meet him at two, and it was already two oh five. He hoped the younger boy wasn’t already waiting for him, because then he would feel awful-
“Hyung!” Seungmin called from behind him. Turning around, Chan saw his friend jogging up to him, two drinks in his hands. “Thank god, I thought I was gonna be late. Here, I know you don’t drink energy drinks so I got you an iced tea, as a thanks for helping me.”
“You don’t have to pay me,” Chan chuckled, taking the tea regardless. “You know I’d help you for free.”
“I know, but I wanted to.” Seungmin held the door open for him. They made their way to the second floor, securing their favorite table off in the corner.
“Okay, so what’s been giving you trouble?” Chan asked, cracking the cap to his bottle and taking a sip. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was until he had drained half the bottle in a single go.
Had he drank any water that day? He couldn’t remember. He raced out of his apartment first thing that morning, skipping breakfast so he could get to his professor’s office. He had promised to help him go through his filing cabinet. His poor teacher had been stressing about how messy his office was, and Chan found himself offering to help organize without even meaning to.
“Um, mainly the transitions,” Seungmin said, logging into his laptop and turning the screen around so they could both see it. “I have the body paragraphs written, but it’s the in-betweens that are awkward. My professor’s been getting on my ass about making them smoother but I just... I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Hmm, lemme see.” Chan pulled the laptop towards him and started reading through the essay, his eyes flitting from one side of the document to the other.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, only broken by the sound of Chan quickly fixing grammar mistakes here and there. Once he finished his initial read through, he turned the screen back and got Seungmin’s attention.
“So, I think what your best bet is... see here? You hint at a personal anecdote. You can use that to transition into the next topic. You can even fib a little to make the story fit into the essay better. Your professor won’t know if you added some details here and there to get your point across better.”
“You think so?” Seungmin questioned, scanning the spot Chan pointed out.
“Mm, I know your writing style. A personal anecdote would work really well.” Chan smiled at the younger boy, his face softening. He adored his friends more than life itself.
It was why he was willing to run himself ragged just to make sure they were taken care of.
“Hm, I think I can work with that.” Seungmin hummed, his eyes narrowing in concentration as he took the laptop back and started typing frantically. Chan hummed and pulled out his own notebook. He needed to get a head start on that project that he, Jisung and Changbin had.
After all, when he left the library he had to go back to his apartment to shower. The next day, he had to meet Minho at the practice studio to help him with some choreography - Minho said there was something awkward about the transition combination, and that Chan’s fresh eyes could see what was wrong - before that he was tutoring an underclassman from his biology class for the exam they had coming up. He would use that time to study himself, seeing how tomorrow he had classes, then had a shift at his part time job, then promised Jeongin that they would get bubble tea since it had been ages since they had last hung out one-on-one.
The day after that, he had volunteered to help man a table to recruit new members into this club he had been strong-armed into joining, and directly after he had to go over and meet the others at some event the school was hosting.
Just the thought of what he had to do was making him exhausted.
He could feel himself starting to...
Crack.
“Hyung?”
“Hm?” Chan looked up. When had it gotten so dark?
“I think I’ve finished,” Seungmin said, frowning a little in concern. “I can just submit it and we can-”
“Let me read over it real fast,” Chan offered, already pulling the laptop back towards him even though his mind was in a thousand places at once. He scanned the additions, correcting the grammar here and there. “It looks good Min! I think you’re really going to do well on this one.”
“God I hope so,” Seungmin sighed, slumping in his chair a little as he took the computer back. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he typed and finally submitted the essay. “I need this grade.”
“Are you having trouble with the classwork?” Chan frowned, leaning forward. “If you need help studying, I can-”
“It’s not that, hyung,” Seungmin quickly cut him off. “ I’m just preemptively trying to boost my grade for when I inevitably give the fuck up.”
“You’re too young to give up,” Chan chuckled, trying to ignore the painful spike relief that went through his chest when Seungmin denied his offer. He adored his friends, but he was just so busy already. “Wait at least another year or two.”
“No promises,” Seungmin made a face, closing his laptop and slipping it back into his bag before standing and pushing his chair in. “Thanks for that. I was going insane... I gotta go though. I’m meeting up with Felix for dinner. You wanna come with us?”
“Ah, maybe next time,” Chan zipped his own bag up and stood as well. “I need to shower and get some homework done before class tomorrow.”
“When are you going to sleep?” Seungmin asked, raising an eyebrow at the older boy.
“Who needs sleep?” Chan chuckled, swallowing back the bile in the back of his throat, caused by the soul crushing exhaustion that was fracturing his very soul. Seungmin made an unamused sound, and Chan slung an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t make that face, it’ll stick like that.”
“Try to sleep a little tonight,” Seungmin pretended to scowl as Chan pinched his cheek lightly, but by the way he didn’t pull away, Chan knew the younger boy wasn’t actually upset about it. “You know Minho hyung will slip melatonin into your tea again if you don’t.”
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Chan chuckled, knowing Seungmin was 100% correct. Minho had done it before, and he wasn’t afraid to do it again. “Go have fun for me.”
“You know, you’re allowed to have fun too,” Seungmin frowned a little as they stepped apart. “College isn’t supposed to be... well, like the way you’re treating it.”
“Bold of you to assume this only started in college,” Chan tried to ignore how the weight on his chest seemed to grow heavier. “Ask Lix. He’ll tell you what a mess I was in high school.”
“Hyung...” Seungmin trailed off, clearly not pleased with the answer he had gotten.
“I’m gonna head back,” Chan gave Seungmin a smile, trying to hide how he was starting to feel ill behind a grin. “Don’t stay out too late, okay?”
“Hyung-”
“See you later, Minnie.” Chan ruffled Seungmin’s hair before briskly walking away. He didn’t need to look over his shoulder to know that Seungmin was watching him leave, a frown on his face.
He might have been trying to hide it, but the exhaustion on Chan’s face was only getting more and more prominent as the days went on.
Chan went back to his apartment, no longer remembering what it was like to just... walk somewhere. Anytime he had a place to be, he was a step below jogging there. He was pushing through his door in under ten minutes, a faint sweat starting to gather on the small of his back as he threw his bag onto his bed. Minho was still out, as he tended to be in the afternoons, which meant the bathroom was completely free.
With a sigh, Chan went to the bathroom, not bothering to grab a change of clothes. He hung a clean towel up, making a mental note to do the laundry soon. The two of them only technically had four towels - two each - and would wash them with their personal clothes whenever they deemed the towels in need of freshening up.
The shower was cold when he first turned it on, so he let it run for a few moments as he looked at himself in the mirror.
He looked like crap. The bags under his eyes were just getting darker, and the slump in his shoulders more pronounced. He was exhausted, but he couldn’t take a break.
His phone dinged.
Do you wanna go shopping with me this weekend?
It was from Felix. Chan could never say no to Felix.
Of course! We can go to the mall on Saturday :D
He had something to do Saturday, but he couldn’t remember what it was. It was probably fine - if it was important, he wouldn’t have forgotten. Felix sent back a few memes, expressing how excited he was, and Chan felt himself smile.
This is why he pushed himself - to see his friends happy. They were all that really mattered to him anymore.
Finally Chan stepped into the shower. He couldn’t remember how to waste time in the shower anymore. He was so used to getting in and getting out, he didn’t know what to do after he was done washing himself. He didn’t understand how Minho could spend an hour and a half in the bathroom after his dance practices.
He stepped out of the shower after only ten minutes. The mirror had barely begun to fog by the time he was turning the water off and wrapping the towel around his waist. He wanted to take a nap, but he had homework he needed to focus on before he could allow himself to rest for even a moment.
Slipping on a pair of boxers and a hoodie, he left the towel draped over his head to stop the water from his hair from seeping into his clothes and sat down at his desk. He had no idea when Minho was going to be home, which meant Chan would probably forget to eat - it was only thanks to the younger boy that Chan ate somewhat regularly anymore.
He pulled out his laptop and logged in to his school account. He needed to read some documents and answer some short essay questions - then he needed to plan the project for his music theory class with Jisung and Changbin, and then start his essay that was due... soon - he wasn’t entirely sure when - that he hadn’t been able to even begin yet.
Buckling down, Chan knew it was going to be a long night.
“Hyung?” There was a knock at his door. Chan barely blinked as he hummed. Minho pushed the bedroom door open and looked at his friend with a frown. “Hyung, it’s almost two in the morning. How long have you been working?”
“Dunno...” Chan murmured, not wanting to break the momentum he had going with his essay. He knew the moment he stopped, he would never be able to get back into the flow. He needed to write as much now as he could because trying to finish the rest later would be torture and he still needed to finish his other work and-
“Channie hyung,” Minho only called him that when he wanted something. Chan finally managed to pull his eyes away from his computer screen to look at his friend. “Sleep with me?”
Chan frowned a little. Minho only asked Chan to share a bed with him when the younger boy had a really bad day. He closed his laptop and stood, cracking his back loudly.
“Alright,” He smiled softly at Minho, who returned the expression. “Don’t forget to set an alarm for tomorrow. You have class and I have to meet up with the kid I’m tutoring. We can get food after we work on your choreography.”
“You need to take time for yourself too.” Minho muttered, pulling Chan into his bed. The older boy just chuckled and slid under the covers. He pulled Minho into his chest, wondering if his friend was still having trouble sleeping.
Minho would never admit it, but he had been having nightmares recently. About what, Chan didn’t know, but he knew when the younger boy only slept an hour or two because he was quieter than usual, staring at his phone blankly, not responding to the teasing from the others even when they set up the jokes for him.
Chan closed his eyes, his entire body aching in exhaustion. It was two in the morning, and he was meeting with his student for tutoring at eight. He would need to get up to make breakfast before that, because he needed to make sure Minho ate before going to class. He knew Minho wouldn’t leave himself time to make real breakfast, and would just grab something at the students center, but Chan wanted him to have a home cooked meal.
“Stop thinking and go to sleep.” Minho grumbled, snuggling closer to his friend.
“Mm, goodnight.” Chan hummed, finally allowing himself to rest.
Tuesday
“Thanks so much for helping me,” The boy said for the third time that morning. “I really thought I was gonna fail...”
“No problem,” Chan smiled at him, tucking his notebook into his bag. His class started in ten minutes. He was glad he got to the library early, because the tutoring took longer than he thought it was going to. “If you have any more questions, you have my number, okay?”
“Okay!” The boy bowed his head slightly before zipping his bag and rushing off. Chan sighed and went towards the staircase - it was quicker than the elevator, even if his entire body was screaming at him. Taking two steps at a time, he was out the door and walking to his class in no time.
He was dreading his lecture. Despite how tired he was, he only managed about three hours of sleep in Minho’s bed. He played it off, but he had a feeling Minho knew he was still tired.
He slipped into the classroom and sat in the back, as he tended to do when he knew he wasn’t going to be able to pay attention. Chan always tried his best to be alert in class and take good notes - partially because he wanted his professors to know that they weren’t being completely ignored, and partially because he knew someone was going to ask for his notes sooner or later.
Chan tried to pay attention, he really did. Unfortunately, he found his mind wandering to all the things he had to do that day - helping Minho and his shift at his part time job being two of the bigger parts of it.
By the time the lecture ended, he had barely taken any notes and the pressure on his chest seemed to be even heavier.
Did he have time to get something to eat before he went to the dance studio? He checked his phone and sighed.
Nope. He was already running late.
Chan jogged across campus to the performing arts building, where Minho spent most of his waking hours. He loved his roommate, but he kinda wished he had said no-
How selfish could he be? Minho asked him for help, and what was he doing? Wishing he had denied his friend’s request. Chan was selfish for thinking that.
Crack-
He ignored the pressure boring down on him with more intensity.
“Hyung! And here I thought you were gonna ditch out on me.” Minho teased as Chan let himself into the room.
“Of course not,” Chan chuckled, slipping off his hoodie and tossing it, with his bag, onto one of the chairs set up against the mirrors. “What kind of friend would I be if I did that?”
“A bad one,” Minho stuck his tongue out playfully. Chan laughed, ignoring the twinge in his chest. “Now help me please.”
“What parts are you stuck at?” Chan asked, doing some light stretches.
“Here, it’ll be easier to just show you.” Minho went over to the stereo and turned on his song, using the intro counts to get back into place.
Chan leaned against the wall and watched Minho’s movements carefully. He had known the younger boy long enough to know exactly when he started to hesitate. Minho had always been known for his sharp, precise movements, and his friends - Chan in particular - knew him well enough to know when he hit his pose just a beat behind, that was where he was struggling or overthinking.
“I think it looks incredible, as always,” Chan said as soon as the music stopped. Minho looked at him for constructive criticism, only breathing a little heavier than usual. “I could see where you were hesitating, but I can also tell you already have an idea in mind for what to put there.”
“I mean, I do, but I don’t know how good it’ll look...” Minho trailed off, insecurity bleeding into his words as he crossed his arms and looked at his feet.
“Teach me the parts you're thinking of adding,” Chan offered, pushing off from the wall and going to stand next to his friend. “Maybe we can combine some things from past dances to make it fit together more.”
“Hm, maybe...” Minho trailed off before telling Chan what the starting position was.
Chan found himself running full speed to the other side of campus yet again. Practice with Minho had run far longer than he meant for it to, and now he was late for his shift at the café just off university grounds.
He flung the door open, the bell ringing wildly as he darted into the back. He threw his bag into his locker and quickly changed into the uniform - a white button up shirt, black slacks and a black apron.
“That was a close call,” His coworker, Changkyun, grinned teasingly. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that frantic before.”
“Sorry, I was helping a friend with something and lost track of time...” He tried to calm his breathing, but he had already been panting from the dance. Running didn’t help at all, and it seemed Changkyun could tell he was having trouble.
“Can you do me a favor and brew some more iced teas in the back?” he asked, using a thumb to point at the empty pitchers on the back counter. “I ran out a little bit ago but haven’t had a chance to make more.”
“Yeah, no problem. Call if you need anything.” Chan smiled, grateful for a task to do that wasn’t in a place where customers could see him still struggling for air. He went into the back, taking the pitchers with him. As soon as he was safely in the small kitchen area, his whole body slumped.
He was so tired. He was so fucking tired.
But he had four more hours before he could leave. At least he was on shift with his favorite coworker. All of his coworkers were amazing people, but Changkyun was his favorite because he had a strange sense of humor and didn’t treat Chan like he was a child even though he was the youngest employee at the moment.
His hands shook as he measured the tea leaves into mesh bags. Placing the bags into the proper clean pitcher, he took his time pouring the near boiling water directly in, letting the tea bags steep for exactly seven minutes.
He could hear people out in the main café area and hesitated. He knew the moment he was finished with the iced teas, he would have to go back out and take orders and act like he wasn’t about to have a complete breakdown.
Looking around, he saw the sink had some dishes in it. They didn’t have a mechanical dishwasher, so all their mugs, plates, containers and pitchers were all washed by hand.
He normally found it tedious, but for once he was glad.
Changkyun wouldn’t miss him if he spent a few minutes tidying up the kitchen. In fact, he thought the older boy might be grateful that he wouldn’t have to clean it himself.
He wondered how much of his four hour shift he could spend hiding in the back.
“Hyung, you look exhausted.” Jeongin frowned as Chan sat across from him. The younger had only waited for a few minutes for Chan to get off work so they could get boba together.
“Eh, nothing a nap can’t fix.” Chan chuckled. His feet ached and he had gotten a burn on the side of his hand from the milk steamer because he had started to zone out while making an order. He had dropped the metal cup, spilling the hot milk down his uniform pants.
“I have a Monster in my bad if you want it?”
“Thanks Innie, but I’m still trying to keep away from those.” Chan chuckled, running a hand through his bangs.
No matter how tired he was, he refused to let himself get addicted to energy drinks or coffee - ironic, seeing how he worked at a coffee shop - but he knew himself. He knew as soon as he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.
He had a weakness to addiction - something he was painfully aware of.
“I ordered your usual,”Jeongin changed the subject. “Is that alright?”
“Mm, thanks aegi,” Chan smiled, and this time it was less strained. As stressed as he felt, all it took was a small gesture from one of his boys and he felt at ease again. “How have you been?”
“Good!” Jeongin bounced in his seat a little, and for a moment Chan could almost see the young boy with braces and sparkling eyes he had met all those years ago. “I started hanging out with some of the kids from my literature course and they’re kinda chaotic. They remind me a lot of Jisung hyung and Felix hyung, if I’m being honest.”
“Oh god, they must really be unhinged then.” Chan laughed, his eyes turning up happily as Jeongin jumped right into a story from that past weekend, where he and his new friends had hid in the student gym and went through the lost and found in the back room. As much as Chan wanted to scold him for being a delinquent, the look of joy on Jeongin’s face was enough to override the dad mode that was threatening to take over.
He sat back in his chair, sipping his drink as Jeongin rambled away. It worked out well, because he was far too tired to be the one carrying a conversation at all.
Wednesday
Chan went to class like the good student he was, despite not having gone to bed until well after two in the morning once more. After hanging out with Jeongin, he had attempted to work on the personal song he had been trying to finish for the last two months with little success - by the time he gave up for the night, he had been ready to just delete the entire file and never look back.
His professor shot him a concerned look as she started the lecture. Chan was usually so aware and present in her classes, but now he looked two seconds away from tipping over. He had been getting paler and thinner in the last few weeks.
“Just a quick reminder,” She said, turning back to her computer. “Your midterm essay is due Sunday night by eleven fifty nine. If you need an extension, you have until Friday to email me. You don’t even have to explain why you need one, but you can’t ask any later than say... six o’clock Friday afternoon.”
Chan felt his stomach drop. He knew about the essay - they had been talking about it and working on it in bits and pieces all semester - but he had somehow managed to convince himself that he still had another week to work on it. He wasn’t too concerned, seeing how it wasn’t a difficult essay to write, but now...
Now he had to figure out how to work a five page paper into his schedule, and he only had four days to do so.
The professor started the actual lecture, but Chan wasn’t listening. All he could focus on was the mounting anxiety in his chest, making his ears ring faintly. He tried to keep his breathing under control, but he couldn’t stop his palms from sweating or his heart from pounding.
He couldn’t have an anxiety attack in class. He wasn’t that broken...
Crack-
Before he knew what was happening, the other students were standing and packing their things. He tried not to move too quickly and draw attention to himself, but he could still feel the panic attack on the fringes of his mind.
“Hey hyung! Ready for this stupid recruiting thing?” Hyunjin asked as Chan stepped out of the classroom. He clapped the older boy on the shoulder, making Chan jump.
Right, he had almost forgotten.
“Mm, I hate that they bullied us into taking the first watch, but at least we’re together,” He chuckled weakly. He and Hyunjin were both in the same club - technically Jisung was also in the club, but he managed to sneak out of being volunteered into manning the recruitment table in the student center. “Thank fuck we’re only on for the first hour.”
“Exactly! And afterwards is that carnival thing the student government is throwing.” The younger boy grinned. Chan felt a rush of exhaustion go through his body. He had definitely forgotten about that one - the whole group agreed to meet up at that semester’s moral boosting event. The school hosted one each semester, the last one being a casino night in the student center, where they brought in people from professional casinos to run different games, and gambled using school credit that would go into the winner’s ID.
Chan had been looking forward to the carnival when it had been announced, but now he felt like throwing up a little.
“Let’s just get through this without going insane,” He said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as strained as it felt. “Hopefully we can get some bonus points with the Prez for this.”
“He loves us,” Hyunjin giggled, and some of the tension in Chan’s chest lessened. “We could ditch this table and he’d still like us best.”
“Let’s not test that.” Chan chuckled, letting Hyunjin sit. He stood at the end of the table and took the clipboard, mentally counting down to the moment he could put the board down again and leave the student center.
God he was exhausted.
He tried his best to keep himself upbeat, but it seemed each time he finished his little speech to each potential club member, he felt his shoulders slump and his smile drop. It seemed with each person he talked to, the pressure bearing down on him seemed to double, triple, quadruple.
“Hyung, do you want to sit?” Hyunjin asked, half an hour into their shift. “I don’t mind doing the talking-”
“I know you were up late doing that project,” Chan smiled warmly, not wanting to put any more pressure on the younger boy. Hyunjin had been stressing about his project for the last two weeks, and Chan wanted him to relax while he had the chance. “Let hyung do this, okay? I’ll get us some snacks at the carnival later.”
“Are you sure-?” But Hyunjin’s question was cut off by Chan catching someone’s eye and gesturing for them to come over.
“Ah, this is so much better than the rodeo they threw my freshman year.” Minho grinned as they walked through the carnival.
“Mm, I remember that,” Chan chuckled, sipping his lemonade. It was extra sweet, and it reminded him of the sports games and fairs he used to go to with his family. There was just something so distinct about stadium lemonade. “They tried to get a real bull to come in but the one they got was so old he just kinda sat there and let the students feed him.”
“Aw, that sounds so cute though.” Felix grinned, his eyes wide as he looked around at everything.
“I want to play some games.” Seungmin had zeroed in on a booth that had plush ducks for their top tier prize.
“Oh, I smell funnel cake!” Jeongin grabbed Jisung’s hand and started tugging him towards the closest food truck.
“You okay, hyung?” Changbin held back as the others started to disperse, lightly tugging on the older boy’s shirt to get his attention.
“Huh? Of course,” Chan grinned, talking a little louder to be heard over the crowd. “Do you want to get something to eat?”
“Are you hungry?”
“Eh, I’m down for whatever,” he shrugged, trying to mask the mounting panic rising in the back of his throat. When was the last time he ate? Did he even get around to it today? Why couldn’t he remember? It all blended into one blurred, stressful day. He had to keep reminding himself that practice with Minho happened the day before, not earlier that day. It all blended together... moments from the beginning of the week mixing with things that morning. Had he finished his homework? Had he fulfilled all the promises he had made? “I promised Jinnie food when we were doing our club thing, so maybe when we all find each other again we can get dinner.”
The world around him seemed to grow even louder, the lights from the game booths causing a headache to form behind his eyes. With every flash of the brightly colored bulbs, his world seemed to narrow more and more.
God... he was exhausted.
“Hyung?” There was a hand on his arm. He needed to sit down, but he needed to keep an eye on his friends. He couldn’t let anything bad happened to them-
Crack-
“Come on, let’s find a place to sit down.” Changbin frowned as he pulled Chan towards the benches that had been set out by the main food tent. He had been worried about
Chan for a while now, but the far away look in the older boy’s eye worried him a thousand times more. He had been getting more and more tense in the last few weeks. None of them knew when the last time Chan actually slept through the night was.
They were all getting worried - not just that Chan wasn’t taking care of himself, but that there was something seriously wrong with their friend. They were worried that something really, really bad would happen to Chan if they didn’t do something.
They were worried they were going to lose their friend.
“Ah, Sung! Innie!” Chan saw the two on the other side of the food tent. Changbin tried to say something to get Chan to sit back down, but it was too late. He was already making his way through the crowd to lead the other two back in an attempt to gather his boys back together again.
“Hyung...” Changbin watched Chan all but run away, his hand reaching out to catch the older boy’s sleeve but missing.
Chan was exhausted, but he’s fine. As long as he was doing what he promised, and making things better for the others, then he was fine.
He was exhausted, but he was fine.
He was fine.
Crack-