Work Text:
When Tim woke up to the sun shining and birds singing he knew it would be a bad day. It was fate. Because nothing in life was sacred especially not Tim’s self.
Today he was supposed to be at the Watchtower followed by a few other organizational headquarters as part of updating security and computers. Why he was the one who would have to deal with near every single hero in existence he didn’t know. It was probably Dick’s fault. A lot of things led back to Dick.
When he opened the door to the street he knew it would truly be one of those days as there were ninjas waiting with flowers and Ra’s was in the limo idling at the roadside. Ra’s was stepping out and walking up to him as flowers were forced into his arms from all sides.
“Good morning Detective. I’ve heard that you will be having a busy day today and thought I would make sure it started fittingly.”
Ra’s was kissing him before Tim had the chance to say anything. There was a tongue in his mouth and Ra’s tasted like Tim’s favorite coffee and nutmeg.
“Ahh thank you Detective. A most invigorating way of starting the day.” Ra’s was grinning at him, briefly lifting Tim’s limp hand for a much more chaste kiss, and then vanished into the limo along with his ninjas.
Tim stood on the sidewalk in shock with half a flower shop surrounding him. Well… that was not the way he expected the day to start. It was surprisingly…. Tasty.
Well… he still had to get to the Watchtower and start with the computers.
Except from there it only got weirder. Ra’s he could understand, he had been attempting to woo Tim to his side for some time now, the assassin showed up many times to kiss and run. But when Wally raced up snatched a kiss and ran off before Tim could even step off the teleporter…
Something Was Wrong.
Even when he was ensconced at the computers people kept coming by. Not the right people either. Hawkgirl stopped by with a sandwich trading it to Tim for a quick, yes very bird like, peck on the lips before turning red swearing and vanishing. Then it was Diana who came in with more coffee, yes food of the gods, and for an amazon she could kiss very well. All soft lips and tentative licks against his lips.
Okay what the hell was going on. There was something very wrong here. Maybe something in the food? Tim glared at his empty plate. Couldn’t be.
To top it off his was kissed by the Martian Manhunter, which came with pretty pictures filling his head and the feeling of amusement, and then the Green Lantern….tried. Watching him come close and do an about face was the only time Tim would ever worship Dick’s taste in colors.
But then Superman was walking towards him, face already cherry red, and Tim ran for it. He still had a few others places to go and he was not getting kissed by Superman if he could help it.
Next stop was SHIELD and Tim had no clue why he would be messing with their computers instead of someone who actually worked there like say Ironman. When Black Widow of all people greeted him at the door with a kiss full of sharp teeth and probing tongue, along with a pinch to his ass as she swayed off, Tim had all the proof he needed.
This was a Conspiracy.
Still he was supposed to work on computers and he damn well would to show everyone that he was above this childish acts. But just because he was doing his best to ignore anything remotely humanoid didn’t mean they would ignore him.
First there was Thor who came up, tapped him on the shoulder, pulled him out of his chair into a bear hug and left Tim feeling like he’d just kissed a lightning bolt. His hair would never stand down again.
Then right after Thor, while Tim was still standing dazed and afraid of touching the computers in case he zapped them, another man appeared. Or rather slinked into view with a cat like grin. He really reminded Tim of Selina. And when he wrapped around Tim he could feel fangs in the kiss before the stranger winked and vanished.
Fury was…traumatic.
And that was incentive for Tim to get the hell out. When he turned around to leave Steve Rogers was giving him an embarrassed look, possibly even more than Superman had looked before Tim ran off, while Tony Stark was giggling and rubbing his palms together. Steve gave Tim a short kiss that could only be described as ‘sweet’ before running off.
Tony Stark on the other hand…
“Hey wait!” Tim held up his hands only for Ironman to grab both wrist and press Tim back into the wall. Tony Stark tasted ironically like oil and things that made Tim think of engineering. It also made him think he was really pissed off, so when Stark backed up with the biggest shit eating grin on his face….
Tim broke his nose and stalked out of the Avenger’s Tower.
The first thing Tim tried doing after leaving behind a bloody Ironman was try to call Dick. Who most likely was behind everything. His brother was a criminal mastermind pretending to be a vigilante. So of course Dick didn’t pick up… neither didn’t any other member of his family.
And he still had more errands to run.
~~~~
The next was in Metropolis and giving some WI papers to Lex Luthor, but this at least had been scheduled for a while from Bruce and Tim was going as Timothy Drake-Wayne. So really there should be no problems. You’d think it would be the nice and easy part of the day since Luthor was working on something with Bruce and therefor was too busy at the moment to be plotting.
Just as long as Superman didn’t show up.
Still the current receptionist was nice enough and he was quickly led to an elevator and escorted up by Mercy and Hope. Both were politely indifferent until Tim was stepping out and then two chaste kisses on each cheek and the elevator was closed by the time Tim thought to whirl and glare.
“Ah Mr. Drake, how good of you to drop these off.”
Really does anyone fall for that?
“My pleasure Mr. Luthor,” Tim really was quite happy to hand over the papers it meant getting away quicker. “But I can’t stay, more errands to run.”
Careful, don’t upset the criminal mastermind. He may kiss you.
“Of course,” Luthor was smirking “The elevator’s already ready for you.”
Tim looked over his shoulder in surprise, the elevator had opened its doors again, and was suspiciously empty.
Turning back the firm hand caught Tim’s chin and held him still for the opened mouth kiss. Then Luthor, smirking kiss stealing jerk!, was pushing him back into the elevator.
Tim stopped outside the building and glared back at it.
“Hey!Tim!”
“Kon?”
“You kissed Lex Luthor?!” Kon face was a study in shock and disgust as he stopped.
“I didn’t kiss him he kissed me.” Tim frowned, really trying to ignore Kon, as he walked back towards his car. “Why are you here? Why were you listening to me?”
“No reason,” Kon was a very bad liar even when his grin was taking over his face. “Dick told me I should talk to you today.”
“Dick?”
“Yeah,”
Kon was grinning bigger and Tim didn’t have the time to get his hands up before he was being kissed. Again.
“Kon!”
“Sorry Tim gotta go!”
Yes Kon did seem to be running away. Quick enough that he was off in the distance when Tim about going back to Luthor and asking for some kryptonite. Tim was going to go crazy if this kept up. Maybe Dick would answer his now… hah
“Dick.” Tim was growling only a little bit as he continued walking. “Why are people kissing me? If this keeps up I’m going to find someone to kill you.”
“Want to hire me Drake?”
Tim froze and dropped his cellphone, to busy panicking at the sight of the two men in the car that had pulled up beside him, to go for a weapon like he should.
“Ah no.” Tim bent and quickly picked up his phone. “No. Did you want something?”
Slade was smirking, all sharp teeth. His brown haired companion was grinning widely.
“Dick has something to do with it right?” Tim sighed and rubbed his forehead.
“Dickie-boy always is behind everything.” That from Slade’s brunette friend.
“Grayson does cause all kinds of problems.” Slade sounded happy about that as he put the car into park.
Tim took a step back as both criminals, probable criminals since he couldn’t place the brunette, stepped out to…
“If you kiss me I’ll kill you.”
“Really?” Slade had Dick’s smirk. Or maybe Dick had Slade’s smirk. Either way it was really annoying. And when Slade grabbed his head and pulled him in for the kiss he was still smirking.
“Would it make you feel better that he was only talking to heroes?”
“What?” Tim stared at the brunette, face red, and not looking at the very handsomely built killer currently licking his lips. “Who are you?”
“Dickie calls me ‘that thieving jerk’ I go by Red-X.” Brown eyes looked Tim up and down and leered. “You can call me whatever you want.”
Tim kept his eyes closed as he was kissed again, not nearly as quick this time, complete with minty fresh tongue action.
“Nice,” Red-X was grinning widely again. “I’d do you any day.”
Tim watched in open mouth shock as they both got back into the car.
“Keep the gum!”
Next time he saw Red-X he was going to do something…not at all nice.
~~~~
By the time Tim finally got back to Gotham he’d been assaulted twice more. By a woman he didn’t recognize and a man he’d met a few times while hanging around Selina. Neither of who should be attacking his lips.
The woman had stepped in front him when he got back to his car, all bare skin with scraps of white fabric, and more curves than a road in the hills. Her kiss tasted like fresh earth and pink lightning. No Tim didn’t know how something could taste like pink lightning, but it did and she stepped back smugly grinning.
“Thanks for the gum, cutie. Say ‘hi’ to Dick for me.”
By this point there wasn’t much left to do but wave after her and move on.
The Frenchman… well Tim wasn’t too upset by that kiss. All spicy and hot and murmured French affections before he handed Tim a bouquet. Tim eyed the bouquet in interest as it started glowing pink and exploded leaving a single red rose.
Well at least some people understand manners and how to kiss properly.
He kept this rose. Carefully putting in his bad where he might not accidently crush it.
Selina greeted him as he was parking, dressed in her Catwoman gear complete with whip, which she used to pull him closer.
“Hey Kitten, heard you’ve had a long day.”
“Do you know anything about this?”
“Well of course. Everyone does we’re just not supposed to tell you.” The woman grinned and kissed his cheek. “You should go talk to Dick.”
“I’ve been trying he won’t answer his phone.”
“Well he’s at the manor, been hiding out there all day. Think he’s afraid of something?”
He better be.
Tim did make it back to his apartment without any further problems, carefully getting a makeshift vase for the rose, and taking a nice long shower. When he got out of the shower was another story.
While Tim didn’t know the mercenary, currently sitting on his dining room table with a pizza box, he had heard of the man dressed in the red and black suit. It was hard not to hear about Wade Wilson and Tim really wanted to know if he was related to Slade. Because the mask pulled up to show scarred lips was showing a very familiar smirk.
“Heya Timmy-Boyo! I brought pizza! Damn you really do fill out that towel.”
Tim stared and looked down at his towel, wishing that he had taken clothes into the bathroom, before glancing back up.
“Mr. Wilson.” Please don’t be here to kiss me please. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“Well a little birdy told me I needed to come by and kiss you.”
Dick you will survive a hundred years of torture before I’m finished.
“Kissing contest.” Deadpool was nodding and setting the pizza aside as he stalked forwards.
“Contest?”
“Yeah~” The mouth was very happy, “Come on Timmy boy! You get paired with everyone else why not me?”
“Excuse me?”
It started with teeth and tongue teasing at his lips while gloved hands brushing water droplets down his sides. Tim wasn’t quite sure where the hands went, he was too busy gasping as the cinnamon taste of Deadpool filled his mouth, but he did notice when Deadpool back up with his towel.
“Oh Timmy~” The biggest happiest grin Tim had seen all day. “They’re all right about you. Can really kiss Timmy love, better than any other Robin~”
“You can keep the pizza. Thanks for the towel.”
~~~~
Tim made it to the manor a few hours later, after a second much colder shower, and there were the conspirators on the front step. Because if Jason was willingly sitting with Dick then both of them were in on it.
“Hey Little Brother.”
“Baby Bird.”
Both of them were grinning.
“How was your day?”
“Dick.” Tim stood stiffly as the two each gave him a peck on the lips. “I’m assuming you have something to tell me about?”
“So how’d it go?”
“Yeah Baby, who was trying to take your cherry?”
“It’s just a little fun,” Dick was grinning. “Every wants to know who the best kisser is and we needed an impartial judge.”
“So?”
“I hate you all.” Tim said in his most pleasant tone of voice and stalked past them.
“Hey Tim!”
“Come on Baby Bird! At least tell us who was the best!”
“Deadpool. And I’m hiring Deathstroke to torture you.”
“Deadpool?!”