Work Text:
Craigslist
Staten Island
Missed Connections
Subject: June 19 - I waited on u at Panera. U were tall, handsome w/ fangs??
Remember me? The cashier at panera with glasses who couldn’t string 2 words together when u asked to be invited inside? I have questions ! Pls contact if u r what i think u r… A VAMPIRE
-Guillermo
…
“COLIN ROBINSON!”
Nandor’s bejeweled fingers peck at the ancient keyboard, clicking and clacking as he frantically attempts to banish the impudent etherweb post revealing his unholy secret to the masses. When the webpage remains stubbornly unaffected by his onslaught, he cranes his neck and bellows once more, “COLIN!”
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” Colin shuffles into the fancy room at a leisurely pace, totally disregarding the clear urgency in Nandor’s tone. He comes to a stop just behind his seated roommate, bumping the rickety old desk chair and jostling the perturbed vampire. “What’s shakin’, Nan-Man? Surfing the ole world wide web? You know, you should be careful. Studies indicate that the blue light from computer monitors can actually disrupt sleep patterns—”
“Yes, yes, alright. Enough of your inane small talking, Colin Robinson.” Nandor chops the air with his hand for emphasis, hissing softly in the direction of his utterly unflapped housemate. “I require your assistance with the computing machine. An irreverent bread boy has posted my dark secret on the internet and I would like very much for you to take it down. Please. Thank you.”
Colin leans in close over Nandor’s shoulder, the long tail of his beige tie flapping against the vampire’s back as he adjusts his glasses and smirks at the screen.
“Missed connection, eh?” Colin turns his head to face Nandor without pulling back an inch. His breath wafts over his roommate’s grimacing face as he speaks. “Y’know in many cultures close proximity like this is considered perfectly natural.” He smiles, eyes aglow, before nodding to the screen. “Anyway, sounds like you’ve got yourself an admirer.”
Nandor frowns, fangs digging into his lower lip as he stares forlornly at the computer monitor. “I don’t care about that! How do I banish him? What is the spell? Control-Shift-Escape?”
Nandor feels the slimy creep of Colin’s smirk overtaking his face, even without looking away from the infernal computing screen. His words come out slick with amusement and Nandor’s head droops just a bit as his energy flags. “Not so easy, mon ami . You’re going to have to contact this guy and convince him to take down the post.”
That should be easy enough , Nandor muses. He will simply reach out through the ether. After all, how many humans named Guillermo can there possibly be in New York City?
Nandor rallies his confidence, gathering his cape around him and raising his chin with haughty self-assurance. “That does not sound so terribly difficult, Colin Robinson.”
He glances up at Colin and feels his certainty suddenly wither on the vine. Colin’s eyes glow ice-blue as he asks with feigned nonchalance, “Do you have an e-mail address, Nandor?”
“Fucking guy!” Nandor shrieks after nodding off and nearly careening face-first into the side of a building. He swerves out of the way just in time, wind whipping his cape up around his face as he flounders on turbulent air currents.
He’s still recovering from the slow-drip draining of his energy over the past week and a half. Between setting up an email account, contacting the insolent baking servant, forgetting his password, recovering his password, and arranging this meeting tonight— Nandor has been a feast of aggravation for his psychic vampire roommate.
Grumbling at this train of thought, he glances down to check the printed sheet clutched in his fist. He can barely decipher the faded letters from the electronic cartographer, MappyQuests. Colin had mentioned something about replacing something or other in the printing press, but Nandor had been too drained by that point to pay him any attention.
He finally matches the glittering network of street lamps below with the crude map on the page. Hungry anticipation lights up his dark eyes, turning them a feral ochre as he drops down to the sidewalk. A red neon sign above the entrance to a human dancing hall bathes Nandor in a sinister crimson glow. This is where he is to meet his prey. Guillermo. Trusting, stupid human. Nandor has already succeeded in convincing him to destroy his incriminating Craig-message. And tonight he will make sure that the little man does nothing of the sort ever again.
By murdering him, of course.
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: SUBMIT AT ONCE TO MY DARK COMMAND
Dear Guillermo-
Your obedience in removing the post from Craig’s Listing is very appreciated and should be handsomely rewarded. My confidant, Colin, assures me that The Midnight Gallery is a human establishment where two men such as we may meet for a discreet rendezvous. Meet me there next Saturday evening to claim your prize.
Signed,
Nandor the Relentless
Guillermo’s Phone
Guillermo: Dude… i think i have a date… with a vampire
Jeremy: Again? Remember last time??
Guillermo: Shut up !
Guillermo: … hey can u still help w a fake id ??
Nandor hisses at the third foolish mortal to stagger drunkenly up to him, paw at his best hunting cape and ask him to dance. What kind of place is this for a secret meeting, anyway? He has been the center of attention from the moment the door man invited him inside. These mortals— with their kohl smudged eyes, pallid faces and dark clothing— they all seem to be obsessed with him! And the dancing… Whatever happened to boogying? They look like a bunch of depressed ghouls swaying around out there. Yeesh.
Nandor is not sure how or why, but as he watches the latest mortal totter away from him, he decides that this is all Colin Robinson’s fault.
A timid tap on his shoulder alerts him to the presence of yet another would-be paramour. He’s already curling his lips back from his fangs in a sneer when he turns to find that it is the stout little fellow from the bread shop. Only instead of wearing that fetching yellow tunic which clung so delightfully to his curves, he is dressed head-to-toe in black except for a garish crimson tie around his neck. His face is painted with stage makeup and his eyes are rimmed black. Nandor wants to scowl, but he stops short. The smaller man may look ridiculous in his contrived vampiric raiment, but he smells absolutely irresistible. He is wreathed in the intoxicating aroma of virginal blood. It clings to the cheap fabric of his button-down shirt and swirls through the air between them. His soft mouth blossoms into a shy smile and Nandor curses the white makeup for hiding what is surely a magnificent blush on those round cheeks.
“Um, hello Nandor…” he murmurs, clasping his hands together and fidgeting delectably. “Guillermo,” he adds, pressing his palm into his chest.
Yes, Nandor thinks… I must have him .
“I couldn’t believe it when you e-mailed! Even tonight, I was sure I’d show up here and find out it was a catfish. My friend, Jeremy, said you couldn’t be legit, but I told him—” Guillermo stops himself, the corners of his chocolate-brown eyes crinkling as he catches Nandor’s fixed, hungry gaze. “Sorry! I’m babbling...”
Nandor doesn’t bother pondering the human’s odd words— Cat… fish? What the fuck? — he’s too busy controlling his breathing; so alluring is this man’s scent that to take one more breath would be to succumb to his unholy desire and tear him apart right here and now. Mouth frozen in a toothy rictus, he offers Guillermo a stiff shrug. The human is about to say something to fill the uncomfortable silence between them, when the music changes and his eyes suddenly light up. “Oh, I love this song!”
A melancholy voice comes over the club’s sound system, crooning about candle wax and teenage death boys. Hasn’t this disk jockey ever heard of the Macarena?
Nandor studies Guillermo’s face and finds many uncomfortably familiar emotions flitting around there. Uncertainty. Longing. Nervousness. Something strange and warm fills his chest at the sight of this hopeful little dumpling boy. He thinks he is here for a reward, Nandor muses, experiencing a foreign pang of guilt. Well, then… I will give him one. Just this once, before I…
He holds out his hand to the little man, fixing him with an intense stare. “Shall we?” he asks, feeling just like Edward asking Bella to dance at the prom.
The human’s heart skips a beat; his breath stutters from invitingly plush lips as he lowers his soft little paw into Nandor’s taloned grip. The predatory instinct within Nandor coils tightly, ready to snap, while an altogether different instinct flutters low in his gut. He schools his features into cool detachment, but internally he is reeling. What the shit? This is… odd. Nandor does not usually linger on a meal’s inviting curves or adorable fidgeting. And he definitely does not furtively lower his gaze to appreciate their generous backsides. Drawing Guillermo to his side, he places a large hand over the small of his back and thrills at the sensation of vital human heat emanating through the fabric of his shirt. Gothic peasants scatter before them as Nandor leads his partner to the center of the dance floor.
The round swell of Guillermo’s belly brushes against him as they fall into step together, swaying to the melancholy music. Guillermo’s hands clutch at the velvet material draped over Nandor’s shoulders while Nandor’s arms encircle him in a carefully calculated and gentle embrace. They are so close that Nandor could rest his chin atop Guillermo’s gelled curls if he wished. He settles for bending his head and nonchalantly breathing in Guillermo’s scent. Sharp, citrus sweet virginity, acidic hair gel, damp sweat… Nandor’s mouth waters. He smells delicious . The thunderous clap of Guillermo’s heart beat pulses through Nandor, setting the rhythm for their dancing. Nandor tightens his hold, ducking his head and burying it into the warm crook of Guillermo’s neck.
Guillermo releases a soft, trembling gasp before stuttering, “This is… you’re so… Is this really happening?”
Nandor chuckles darkly, parting his lips and letting his fangs drag along the tender skin of Guillermo’s neck. The human sucks in another sharp breath. “It is really happening, little bread peasant. And more— much more— can happen soon. Let us find some place more private, yes?”
Nandor pulls away to look into Guillermo’s dark, glazed eyes. The human can do little more than nod wordlessly, clutching his hand as the vampire leads him away from the safety of this pack of mortal misfits.
The alley behind the club is suitably deserted. But Nandor sneers in distaste at the festering dumpster and oil-slicked pavement.
“This is…” Guillermo flounders as he takes in the lackluster atmosphere, “quiet, at least.”
“It is not ideal, but it will do.” Nandor suddenly wheels around, crowding Guillermo into the side of the building. The human’s heart hammers, the sound filling the abandoned alley and thrumming through Nandor’s body as if it were his own. He can almost imagine it. A human heart beating in his chest. Sweat sheening his palms, hairs standing on the back of his neck. This is how his prey feels before the final attack. “It won’t hurt…” he murmurs, unsure whom he is trying to convince. Lips pulled back from deadly fangs, he leans in for the killing strike.
Before Nandor reaches his destination, Guillermo sighs, tugging at the collar of his shirt to grant him better access and murmuring under his breath, “This is the best night of my life!”
Oh. Oh, no.
That is possibly the most pathetic thing Nandor has ever heard.
He draws back, repulsed, frowning dramatically and shaking his head. “Yeesh! That is quite sad, you realize?”
Guillermo, dumb-founded, lets his hand drop away from the loosened collar of his shirt and reaches out to Nandor, attempting to lure him back in. “But… maybe it’s beautiful too, right? The end of one life, the start of a new… darker life?”
Nandor keeps shaking his head, glancing at Guillermo with a quick, guilty frown before his eyes dance away, again. Fuck! Maybe he can hypnotize him? But that hasn’t always been the most reliable of Nandor’s cool vampire powers…
“Oh…” Guillermo’s voice rings hollow with realization. “You weren’t going to turn me, were you?”
Nandor’s head jerks up, he fixes Guillermo with a discerning stare. This human may be smarter than he had given him credit for. Nandor rolls his eyes and replies, “Turn some random baker into an immortal vampire? No, that wasn’t really the plan, actually.”
Tears shine from Guillermo’s long lashes and he groans in real pain, as if Nandor’s words are daggers cutting into him. “Stupid… stupid,” he grumbles, bringing his little hands up to his face, hiding his emotions. “I can’t believe I really thought you’d want someone like me…” His words choke off into a loud sob.
Now the human is crying. Great.
Nandor, distressed by the weeping, makes an awkward attempt at comfort. “Maybe it is just that you are not ready yet. You are only a young bread boy, after all, Guillermo.”
“You’re only saying that to make me feel better,” Guillermo hiccups, lowering his hands and looking up at him with big, wet eyes..
Nandor bristles. “I do not say things to make little human peasants feel better!” he lies. “I am Nandor the Relentless! Not Nandor the Nice.”
Guillermo lets out another sob.
Nandor narrows his eyes, watching the sniffling human as he paws at his face, smearing the dark makeup across his damp cheeks. No , he decides. He cannot eat this poor little guy. Nor will he stoop to turning such a pathetic creature. But Nandor did not broker the Vampire-Werewolf peace accords without learning the value of compromise. Nor how to manipulate a situation for his own gain. Perhaps there is another way…
“Guillermo, I will not make you a vampire—” Another whimper from the distraught goth. “ —Yet. But if you prove yourself to me this night, we may be able to come to an arrangement.”
The look that comes over Guillermo’s face is a pitiful mix of hope and suspicion. “Wh-what kind of arrangement?”
As the idea takes shape in Nandor’s mind, his eyes light with gleeful menace. This really could work out quite well for him. It’s been so long since Benjy...
He leans in close and purrs his request against the shell of Guillermo’s ear, delighting in the way the human shivers with mingled fear and yearning. “Return to the dancing hall and bring me back a virgin. If you succeed you will be proving your nerve… and we may perhaps be able to strike a bargain…” He locks eyes with Guillermo, falling into the human’s dark, earnest gaze. “Do you think you can do that for me?”
Nandor half-expects the human to nod and flee, running away with his life and his shredded dignity. But in the next instant he finds himself awestruck as a change comes over the little man. Guillermo straightens, squaring his shoulders and raising his chin. The eyes that were melted chocolate only a second before are now steely and cold. He nods his head solemnly and Nandor the Relentless himself feels a shiver run down his spine as a deadly force seems to settle on the human’s shoulders.
“I can do it,” Guillermo states and then he turns away, disappearing back into the club with all the light-footed menace of a newly forged predator.
“How’d it go with Gwillmo?” Colin looks up from his newspaper near dawn. He’s already grinning with sharp anticipation, greedy to hear how things went at the vampire-themed nightclub that he’d recommended, when he catches sight of Nandor and his little companion.
Nandor holds himself rigidly, with his chin raised— clearly about to make one of his supercilious announcements. Beside him stands a short, round human with dark mascara streaking down his cheeks and blood spatter staining his knuckles. He looks up at Nandor, eyes shining with an intensity of devotion and new-kindled infatuation. Colin licks his lips.
Nadja and Laszlo are coiled around each other on the chaise lounge across the room. They don’t appear to have even noticed Nandor’s return.
“Guillermo will be coming to stay with us… as my new familiar!” Nandor proclaims, puffing out his chest with self-important pride.
Laszlo and Nadja utter disinterested congratulations before returning to their canoodling. But Colin’s face lights with glee. A vampire fanboy coming to stay with them for an indeterminate length of time?
Yum, yum.