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The ocean is beautiful, and that's the main reason Levi doesn’t dare get too close while everyone else starts peeling off their boots and cuffing their trousers; beauty is fleeting.
The sky is a different shade of blue from the water, and the sunlight reflects in a line of white at the horizon. Levi wonders if the water is cold. But he doesn’t go to figure it out, because the ocean is too perfect. He figures that it probably is, anyway. It looks cold. Icy and piercing. He finds himself thinking of Erwin’s gaze. Of how the ocean and his eyes seem too fucking similar for comfort. The shine of the horizon is like the glint Erwin had in his eyes sometimes. If Levi caught him looking at the right time. If they were alone. But alone together. Not just alone. He’d first seen the gleam in his eyes a few days after he’d met him. He hadn’t known what it meant until almost three years later.
“You look like shit,” Levi had mumbled as Erwin wandered into the dimly lit room that night. He’d meant it. Erwin’s clothes were powdered with dirt, and his cheeks, along with the bridge of his nose, were dusted grey with filth. He was dirty, and he looked tired. Though Levi supposed he could have looked worse. “You roll around in the mud or something?”
Erwin had headed straight for his bed, glancing at Levi for only a moment as he did. “I wasn’t paying attention and was kicked off my horse,” he replied, stopping at the side of the bed and leaning down to remove his boots. There hadn’t been any expeditions or reconnaissance missions that day. Which meant Erwin was riding just for the fuck of it, probably thinking about something or other with that stoic, pensive expression stuck on his face.
“You didn’t fall off on your own?” Levi had said, almost impassively. Erwin looked at him again, and he straightened out a bit against the wall he was leaning on as their gazes met. Erwin’s eyes were like ice, and they could probably kill if he wanted them to. Those eyes had been what made Levi weary of trusting Erwin, even after deciding to stay. But in the two, almost three years since then, he’d grown comfortable in the piercing gaze of them.
“I didn’t. Don’t be too surprised.”
Levi looked to the side for a moment, before looking back at him. A hint of sarcasm bled through his voice as he spoke. “I’m shocked.”
Erwin set his boots aside, and he smiled, only just. One of his more endearing qualities, Levi’d noticed. He didn’t think much of it, or the way it seemed to brighten the room at times. It was just a detail, one of many.
Erwin had been making a move to sit on the bed as Levi uncrossed his arms and pushed away from the wall. “Stop that,” he said, taking a few steps towards him. “You’ll get the bed all disgusting.” He grabbed the cleanest part of the front of Erwin’s jacket and tugged gently. Erwin’s hand moved quickly to coil around Levi’s wrist, and it stayed for a moment. Levi met icy eyes with his own. Erwin let go.
“You should rest,” he had said after a moment. Levi looked to the side.
“Tch. You should change and clean up,” he had countered. Erwin was quiet, and Levi stole a glance at him as he walked away from the bed and disappeared into the washroom. He came back a moment later, face clear of dirt, and started to change into a clean set of nightclothes. He hadn't asked Levi to turn his back, so Levi didn’t. He did look down.
“I rode by the Training Corps today,” Erwin had said, and Levi’s eyes flickered up to find Erwin clean and dressed.
“You talk to any of the brats?” he had asked. Erwin shook his head slowly.
“I wasn’t in the talking mood.”
Levi had watched him in silence for a moment, before he’d looked down. “You’re talking to me,” he pointed out. Erwin had smiled again, and Levi pretended that the way his stomach twisted in a way that wasn’t at all uncomfortable didn’t matter.
“You’re you.”
Levi hadn’t known what to think of that, so he’d stayed quiet. Erwin’s footsteps came closer, and Levi looked up to find him directly in front of him.
“What am I to you, Levi?” Erwin had said, and perhaps Levi stopped breathing for a moment, lungs frozen from the look and glint in Erwin’s eyes, because he couldn’t speak for longer than he would’ve liked.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” he had finally said. Erwin hadn’t looked away. He’d just fucking stared, and Levi couldn’t look away, either.
"What am I to you?"
Levi scoffed at the repetition of the question. How the fuck was he supposed to answer that? What was Erwin to him? The target he failed to kill? The leader he'd dedicated his life to? The man for whom he'd destroy anything that even thought of hurting him?
"My commander," he finally settled with, simply, because the answer was something he didn't want to say. Erwin was way to fucking much to him, is what he was.
“I see,” Erwin had said, finally bringing his eyes away, though he hadn’t moved back. Levi, despite his height, rarely felt small around Erwin. He had at that moment.
“Is that not what you wanted to hear?” he’d questioned after a while.
“I wanted to hear the truth,” Erwin had said. “That’s all.”
Levi nodded. “That’s the truth,” he’d said, and Erwin didn’t look at him. “But I know when something’s pissing you off, Erwin, so tell me the truth.”
Erwin had finally met his gaze again, eyes still icy, gleam still there. “I don’t know when I’ll die, Levi,” he had said, and Levi hadn’t known what to say, so Erwin continued. “I don’t want someone I care for, someone who cares for me, to lose me. Being with someone is a bad idea, so naturally, I avoid that.” He’d looked away again. “However, I-”
Levi had brought one hand up quickly over Erwin’s mouth to shut him up, his other hand gripping the collar of his shirt. He’d said nothing, before slowly pulling his hand away from Erwin’s lips. “If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, don’t.”
Erwin had looked at him, before nodding and making a move to step back. Levi’s grip on his collar had remained firm.
“Don’t talk about that. What’s a good idea, what’s a shitty idea, stop. Stop talking like a commander, and just…” He’d paused for a moment. “Just fucking kiss me like a person.”
Erwin’s cold blue eyes had widened slightly, and then he had.
Levi hardly sleeps, but he’d stayed beside Erwin that night regardless. And he’d known what the glint in his eyes meant.
Now he’s here, without him, unable to see him again. Alone. Levi wonders if Erwin would’ve liked to see the ocean. He wonders what would have happened if he’d saved Erwin instead of Armin. And then, he pushes the thought away. He can’t start to regret. “If you begin to regret, you’ll dull your future decisions.”
Erwin is dead.
And Levi chose to save Armin, because he wanted Erwin to rest. The boy still had a dream. He wanted to see the ocean. Erwin had a dream like that at some point, but Levi helped him kill it. Helped him, and hopes he found peace. So Armin survives. And he is fulfilling his dream now. Something Erwin will never have, but something that's happening, nonetheless. It is what it is. No regrets.
Levi looks down at where his boots are sunk just slightly into the ground. He considers for a moment, just a moment, tracing Erwin’s name into the sand. But stops himself as he looks out towards the water. The wind will fuck up the writing away, anyway. It’ll slowly fade as the sand disperses and moves with the breeze. Fleeting.
And, just like Erwin, it will be gone.