Archive of Our Own

Castiel should be embarrassed. 

And maybe if this happened a few (more like 10) years ago, he would be. Maybe if he still was the person (angel), he was then, he wouldn't let a thing like that happen to him in the first place and maybe if he had a second to spare, he'd contemplate more about how sudden and short life is and how none of that was ever supposed to apply to him.

Cas doesn't have time for that. 

Cas is dying.

As the curse hit him, all Cas felt was the overwhelming hot rage of the witch. It hit him right in the chest, he fell on his back and the last thing he saw was the scared faces of his friends. 

Cas lost his consciousness quickly and painlessly. He didn't even have time to regret not being able to help Dean and Sam defeat the witch. The lights went off. 

"Is he dead?" Dean yelled at Sam from the driver's seat of the Impala. He was already pushing 100 miles per hour and kept asking more from his loyal car. They've been through a lot, Dean and her - she had already have to outrun death before, but this time... this time failure wasn't an option

"He's breathing," Sam said when Dean expected an enthusiastic 'no'

"Try to wake him up, goddammit," he yelled. He knew Sam was doing his best, he knew Sam was scared, but his own fear drowned all possible logic. 

Cas was dying and it wasn't a wound, it wasn't a gunshot, it was nothing that any human hospital could fix and as far as Dean knew, no one came up with healing centers for ex-angels hit with a deadly witch curse. 

Dean's mind desperately tried to come up with some sort of plan, any solution that could at least postpone Cas's death until he thinks of something better, anything he could hold on to. 

It still ended up to be Sam who came up with anything. 

Who can help with a witch curse better than another witch? Asked Dean’s genius brother and it was settled. They called Rowena up and asked her for a favor. Well, Sam did, refusing to let Dean take his attention away from the road.

Rowena agreed to help even without making them beg, saying that having an IOU from the Winchesters is an asset too powerful to miss and they decided to meet at the bunker. 

If Cas makes it this far. 

Dean gripped the steering wheel till his knuckles were white. Some part of him screamed that he should have let Sam drive and he should be the one on the backseat with Cas, but Dean didn't trust Sam to drive fast enough and himself to keep his cool if he actually got to see Cas's face turn paler and paler with every mile and his breath slow down.

These thoughts didn't help either. 

By the time they made it to the Bunker, Rowena was already there, waiting at the main door.  Dean parked the car and rushed to help Sam get Cas out. Rowena approached them.

"Oh, what did you do to the poor angel now?" was her version of greetings, but seeing angry tears forming in Dean's eyes, her demeanor changed, "Samuel, open the door," she said. 

Sam obliged, so Dean was the one who had to carry Cas in, bridal style and all. 

Cas wasn't heavy at all. Maybe it was the adrenaline in Dean's blood, or maybe it was a more concerning reason. Did Cas eat well? He seemed to enjoy food when Dean cooked, but that didn't happen very often. 

"Dean, lay him down," Rowena said. Dean didn't even notice how he crossed almost the entirety of the bunker. They stopped in the infirmary, in front of one of the beds. Rowena looked at him expectantly.

"Right," Dean carefully laid Cas down on the bed. Looking at him like that was even worse. His coat was torn and Dean knew Cas would get upset over it, even though he had other clothes now. His face was expressionless, but not peaceful. The way his arms just laid there motionless and lifeless along his body, the way his chest almost didn’t rise, it all frightened Dean. Reminded him of the times he did lose Cas, reminded him of having to burn him. 

Dean looked away.

"What now?" Sam asked

"Now you two go take a breather. I'll see what happened to the feathers here," she said. Sam sighed and looked at Dean. Dean didn't move.

"I'm not going," he said. Rowena wasn't impressed

"Fine by me," she said, "Just don't disturb me,"

Dean wouldn't. He hated that he had to trust a witch (even Rowena) with this, but if it meant saving Cas, he'd do it. He took a step back and let Rowena work

"He's not an angel anymore, you know? He's human," Dean said, as if that was his personal mistake. 

"I know," Rowena said and gave her version of a sympathetic smile. Then, she turned back to Cas, said a spell and touched his forehead. 

And the screaming started. 

The sound filled the entire room, bouncing off of the walls, piercing the ears of everyone present. Cas screamed as if his body was being pulled apart, piece by piece. Dean could feel that sound physically wretching his heart.

“Stop it!” he rushed to Rowena, rushed to push her away, to stop the screaming, but she didn’t move. Instead, Sam grabbed him, not letting Dean interrupt the witch, “Stop! You’re hurting him!”

Dean screamed and kicked, unable to just stand there and watch Cas getting hurt like that. Rowena didn’t listen though. Or maybe she couldn’t hear him at all. With two fingers still pressed against Cas’s forehead, she looked incredibly focused. Her eyes were glowing with the brightest shade of blue Dean had ever seen. It reminded him of the way Cas’s eyes used to glow, but in Rowena’s eyes, the color looked darker, more sinister. Like a corrupted version of the glow of Cas’s grace.

It stopped as suddenly as it started. Rowena took a step back, her eyes went back to their usual state and Cas was unconscious again. Without even taking a breath, his mouth closed and the silence overtook the room again.

“What the hell was that?” Dean asked. Rowena shot him a look.

“Calm down, will you? I didn’t do anything to your angel,” she said, “The screaming was the curse’s doing. It was meant to scare you off and make you leave him be,”

Dean slowly relaxed and pushed Sam away from him.

“So? What did she do to him?” Sam asked

“I have a better question, what did you do to that witch?” Rowena crossed her arms against her chest, “This curse is...cruel. It is personal. I have only used it a handful of times,”

Neither of the brothers answered her

“She clearly wanted the poor angel to suffer,” she continued, looking at Castiel with a drop of warmth in her eyes.

Dean started losing his patience.

“Cut the crap, Rowena. What is happening to him and how do we stop it?” he demanded. Rowena didn’t appreciate the tone and looked directly at Sam as she explained the curse.

“Castiel is trapped in his own mind,” she started, “He is aware of what is going on, more or less, but soon it’ll change. The curse is showing him his worst memories, his fears and regrets. The more he’ll try to wake up and get out, the deeper he’ll wander into his own mind, which will become a darker place with every second. This will go on until he loses his sanity. And then his body will give out, which wouldn’t happen if he was still an angel, but oh well,”

Dean closed his eyes. Trying to process and imagine what Cas was going through was too terrifying and painful. Dean needed to focus on the solution.

“What can we do?” he asked

“Well,” Rowena sighed. The pause in her speech, the way she suddenly started stroking Cas’s hair couldn’t be a good sign. Dean didn’t expect good news, “I haven’t heard of anyone surviving this curse, Dean,” she said, “And Castiel has 10 times the amount of regrets a normal human being does in their lifetime,"

"What. Can. We. Do?" Dean repeated, stressing every word. Rowena sighed. 

"Castiel needs to be woken up and it needs to be done from the inside," she said, "He's strong, so I think we still have some time, but there's no way he can do it alone,"

"We need to get into his dreams?" Sam asked

"Essentially, yes," Rowena replied, "Except those wouldn't be just his dreams. I will have to teleport your consciousness into his. You will see everything he's seeing. You will have to find him and wake him up,"

Dean nodded. A plan. There's a plan. A plan is good.

"Okay, do it," he said, but Rowena hesitated, locking eyes with Sam

"I think Samuel is more suitable here," she said. Sam didn't look surprised, "It's better if he does it,"

"What?" Dean asked, "Why the hell?"

"He'll get the job done quickly," she said nonchalantly

"And I won't?"

"Dean…," Rowena looked and sounded as if she was talking to a child. Dean wanted to get annoyed at her, but he still saw unconscious Cas with his side vision and the fear he had for him drowned all other possible emotions, "If you go there, you will see all Castiel's deepest, darkest secrets. His regrets, what he is embarrassed of. You will not have the time to freak out, you will have to act quickly. Are you sure you can do it?"

Some part of him realized where Rowena was coming from. Yes, he wasn't exactly a poster child for calmness and peace, he tended to overreact and could be harsh at times, especially when it came to people he loved getting hurt. He was also aware that Cas probably wouldn't want Dean going through his head like that. 

But mostly, Dean was fucking insulted his brother and the witch thought he wouldn't get his shit together to save Cas. He'd do anything. 

"I can do it. Stop wasting time," he said, voice full of fake confidence. Rowena saw through his act, but didn't say anything. She nodded. 

"You will have to find Castiel. I don't know what form he might take there, it might very easily be his true form as an angel, so be prepared for that. Then, you will have to somehow convince him that you are there to help and not just another part of his imagination that is suddenly tormenting him. Once you do that, the curse must start fading, but you still need to hurry and wake him up," she explained

"How do I do that?"

"Find his happiest memory. That's the exit. The only exit," she said

"Happiest memory?"

"Yes, the one filled with joy and love and yadda yadda yadda. It must be powerful and important enough for him too, just any happy memory won't do,"

"Shit. And how do I find that?," Dean asked

“Through his worst,”

“Naturally,” he sighed, “Okay, I’m ready,”

"Are you sure?" Rowena said

"Dean, I could do it, really," Sam offered at the same time

"I said I'm ready!" Dean raised his voice without meaning to. Rowena and Sam exchanged concerned glances and then she placed her hands on the side of Dean's head. In a second, he felt the ground vanishing from underneath his feet. 

There was no pain, no fear, suddenly. Dean opened his eyes and the only thing that changed was that he felt lighter. His vision adjusted and Dean found himself standing in a seemingly endless hallway. Endless hallway, endless doors on both of its sides. Dean looked around, but the doors were absolutely identical. Dean thought that he should be concerned, he should be afraid, but he wasn't. He felt weirdly calm, almost comfortable. 

But just like any other good thing in his life, that feeling didn't last. As Dean moved farther into the hall, he felt the atmosphere shift. Calmness turned into anxiety, the tension in the air became almost tangible, Dean himself became hyper aware of how little time he had and how serious the situation was. He reached for the first door, but before he could turn the handle, an all too familiar smell touched his nose. Dean took a step back and looked down

Blood. Endless streams of blood covered the floor, not leaving a single untouched spot. Blood flowed, coming from under every door. With the rate this was going, Dean thought for a second that he was going to drown, drown there, drown in blood. He always knew his death was going to be messy and bloody, but not this bloody . He had never seen this much of it before. It mesmerized him in the worst way possible. 

But the blood didn't collect. It didn't build up, hardly touched the walls. It just kept flowing forward, like an actual river would, making noise that Dean couldn’t wait to get away from.

Even more determined than before, Dean opened one of the doors. 

Out of all the places Dean thought that door would take him, a librarian’s office wasn’t on the top of his list. Well, at least that’s what the room looked like with soft lightning and bookshelves covering the walls. There wasn’t a sight of blood there, the smell and the noise ceased to exist too. Dean looked around and saw Cas sitting at the desk by the wall.

“Cas,” he breathed out, taking a step towards his friend. Some part of him realized that it was too easy, that there’s no way the first door Dean opened would lead him to Cas, but he was too relieved to see Cas - awake and breathing - to care about his bad luck.

“Cas, we gotta go,” he said, moving to him, but before he could reach the desk, a short curly haired man appeared in front of him. Dean didn’t see his face, but he didn’t need to. He recognized him right away.

Metatron.

“Well played, Castiel. Obviously, you and Gadreel managed to turn a few dead enders against me,” Metatron said to Cas. His very voice disgusted Dean.

“Gadreel is dead,” Cas replied. He looked directly at Metatron, but didn’t see Dean standing right beside him.

“Ah. So Gadreel bites the dust. And the Angel tablet -- arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe -- is in pieces, and for what again? Oh, that's right -- to save Dean Winchester,” Dean gasped hearing his own name. Cas got more tense now, still looking Metatron in the eye with rage and hatred,   “ That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too,”

Dean watched shock creep onto Cas’s face. He felt it, too. Felt, not heard, Cas chanting “no,no,no” in his head, felt pain blooming in every part of his friend. Cas’s pain became Dean’s and by the time Cas realized that Metatron wasn’t messing with him and that Dean really was dead, Dean couldn’t handle it anymore.

It was like a spike, like a white hot arrow right into his heart. Dean fell on his knees, touching his unharmed chest. For a second he thought he was reliving what he was doing during that moment - bleeding out from getting stabbed in the chest, but the pain was different. It was Cas’s loss, his grief and Dean felt it. Felt every bit of it. 

He ran out of the room before he could think twice. 

The pain disappeared as quickly as it came, but for a few moments Dean still stood with his back pressed against the door and eyes closed, trying to catch his breath. 

Rowena didn’t lie when she said the curse was cruel. Having to watch Cas’s heart break in real time was bad enough, but feeling all that pain, physically feeling it? That was beyond cruel. And for Cas, it must have been even worse, and it will keep getting worse, unless Dean does something about it.

So he opened his eyes and stepped back into the bloody hallway, opening the next door.

He was in a hospital room now. The one Dean wouldn’t confuse with any other. He saw his brother laying on his bed. He saw himself and Cas standing in the corner of the room. Cas was apologizing, saying that he couldn’t fix Sam and Dean saw disappointment and a slight of anger on his own face. He didn’t need to watch the rest of the scene - he remembered exactly what happened and what it cost them. 

Dean paced towards Cas, hoping to get him and drag him out of this room before he does what he did, before he for the millionth time sacrifices his own health to help the Winchesters. Dean wants to yell at himself to stop Cas, to try to think of a better solution, but he doesn’t have time for that.

“Cas, wait!” he says but he doesn’t hear him. Cas looks at Sam and a solution comes to his mind. Dean feels Cas’s relief as he makes the decision. Dean reaches out to grab Cas by his shoulders, but his hands go right through him. Dean almost falls on the floor while Cas walks up to Sam’s bed. 

“Shit, no,” he tries again, tries to catch Cas by the blood and black ooze stained trench coat, and nothing works. Frustrated Dean punches the wall, but his fist goes right through it. He’s useless here.

Before Cas does his thing, before his sanity crushes and takes Dean’s with it, he flees the room. 

The next door isn’t much better. 

It’s dark, the only source of light is the ring of holy fire Castiel is standing inside of. He’s looking at Dean, at another Dean, the one who’s mad at him, the one who’s heartbroken and betrayed. The one who still has hope that all his doubts are false and empty and that his best friend isn’t working with the enemy.

Current Dean can’t believe it took him so long to get over it.

“You don’t understand,” Cas says, “It’s complicated,”

“No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!” Dean is shouting, Dean is angry and just now he realizes how little that helps.

“It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?” Cas asks, desperate and Dean feels it, feels his desperation and the weight of the whole heaven, the whole world on his shoulders. How could he not understand it before? How could he be so blind?

“I was there. Where were you?” Dean hears himself say.

“No, you weren’t,” he says. No one in the room hears him. 

Dean walks out, before a younger version of himself leaves Cas alone, trapped for an army of demons to get him. 

So far this curse feels like it was directed more towards Dean than Cas. A marathon of Dean’s fuck ups and mistakes, of every time he asked too much from a person who didn’t owe him anything, who didn’t ask for anything. 

Or maybe it’s just him being too selfish and ego-centric to notice other people’s pain again.

Dean goes for the next door.

This time he doesn’t waste the time watching the whole memory, as mesmerizing as it is. Dean is a demon and he’s walking around the bunker with a hammer in his hand, the one he was ready to use on his own little brother and his best friend. 

Being in the bunker gave the real Dean an advantage; he knew the place like the back of his hand so if Cas - the real Cas - was hiding in it, he’d find him easily enough.

With the deadly threats coming out of his own mouth as a background, Dean ran, crossing the bunker’s halls and walking into every room screaming Cas’s name.

The angel wasn’t there. Dean started losing hope.

Two following memories weren’t helpful either. Dean walked into heaven, saw Raphael threaten Cas, but the real Cas wasn’t there, so he left.

He saw himself in Rufus’s cabin, yelling at Cas, saying that “nobody cares that you’re broken” to him and ran away, before Cas’s pain crushed him. 

How could I ever say that? How could I ever fucking say that to him?

Dean wanted to go back and stop those words before they left his mouth. Or at least apologize, say that he doesn’t mean and of course, of course, he cares. He cares so fucking much that his tears are chocking him now and shit, Cas remembers it. Even though he wasn’t himself back then, he remembered Dean’s outburst and his poisonous words.

And that memory is terrible enough for the curse to torture Cas with it.

You can apologize when you find him, Dean thought. Find him.

The next door led him outside, but Dean immediately realized this place wasn’t on Earth. And when he saw himself standing next to Benny, cutting his arm open and saying a spell, it all came together.

Benny.

Purgatory.

Dean felt himself getting lost in the memory.

Cas stood beside them, concern painted on his face. Dean could already see the portal. Benny’s soul entered his body and Dean could almost feel that sensation again. What he did feel for sure was Cas’s calmness. His determination and confidence in what he was going to do. Dean already knew Cas was never going to leave with him, but seeing it now opened up the old wounds. 

Dean wanted to push him into that portal so bad.

Instead, he forced himself to let it go, to let the scene happen as it did before and look for real Cas while he still had the time. 

He took one last look at his friend, though - just couldn’t help it and l turned to the woods. Just to see him again.

“Cas!” their eyes locked, Dean was sure of it. He saw the surprise appear in Cas’s blue eyes and relief greater than the one he’s ever felt before washed over him. Dean smiled and ran towards Cas.

Cas stood motionless for a few moments and then ran too. But not towards Dean. Away from him. 

Behind him, the 34 year old version of Dean was already in the portal, reaching for his version of Cas to come with him, but Dean didn’t look at them. He ran deeper into the woods and that feeling of freedom and rawness he had throughout his time in purgatory came back to him. 

Dean was fast, but Cas was faster. Dean saw the glimpses of the trench coat among the trees, but that was it.

“Cas! Stop, goddammit, I'm here to help you!” he screamed. Cas didn’t hear him, or pretended not to. He just ran. Dean was almost out of breath, running like that and constantly screaming Cas’s name, begging him to stop. Cas slowed down for a second and Dean grabbed his coat, making Cas fall on his back. Afraid he’d run away again, Dean pinned him against the ground.

“Cas..,” he tried to catch his breath, “What the hell, man?”

“Do it! Come on!,” Cas screamed

“Do what?”

“How dare you use his face?” Cas didn’t lower his tone, but his voice was shaking, “It’s pathetic even for you,”

“Cas, I don’t understand,” Dean said, “We gotta go, man,”

“So you’d feed me to your brothers and sisters?”

Dean was confused. Cas looked at him with the hatred in his eyes that he had never seen before, It was never directed at him, ever.

“You think I’m...you think I’m leviathan,” Dean stated

“Think? Dean is gone. He left and he’s safe. You can’t fool me with your cheap tricks,”

“Cas…,” Dean wanted to cry. He was too late, “Cas, this isn’t real,” he said, “This whole thing, purgatory, leviathan, it happened years ago, man. We both got out, remember?”

Cas just stared at him.

“Other angels, that bitch Naomi, they got you out,” Dean said, “Come on, man. You were cursed, this is just a memory,”

“Cursed,” Cas repeated. He looked away and frowned.

“Yes, a witch curse. We were on a hunt and that witch got you,”

Dean saw a realization spark on Cas’s face. And a whole different type of fear rose up in him.

“Dean?” he asked. 

“Yes!” Dean smiled. He finally got off of Cas, hoping he wouldn’t run off now. They both sat up.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Cas asked him, “Were you cursed too?”

“No,” Dean answered, “I’m trying to get you to wake up. Rowena is helping. We’re in your head right now,”

“Rowena put you in my head,” Dean nodded, “And you were hopping through my memories trying to find me,” Dean nodded again, a bit more reluctant. Cas didn’t seem too pleased.

“It was the only way to save you, man,”

“What did you see?” Cas asked, firm.

“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” he said. Cas wasn’t convinced

“How do we get out of here?”

They found a door. A plain wooden door in the middle of the woods, but after everything that happened that day, Dean wasn’t surprised by that. He pushed it open and saw the familiar hallway through it.

Cas seemed way more calm and collected now. He walked into the hallway and waited for Dean to decide what’s next.

“So...Rowena said the curse is supposed to start fading when I find you. Do you feel any different?” Dean asked

“I’m not sure,”

“Well, at least the blood is gone,” Dean said, tapping on the clean floor with his boot. Cas frowned.

“What blood?” he asked

“The blood. It was all over the floors here, it came from under the doors and everything,” Cas seemed confused, “You didn’t see it?”

Cas shook his head.

“Well, Rowena said the spell will be fighting back, trying to scare me off. Good thing I don't scare that easy,” Dean forced a smile and Cas gave him a slight nod.

“Did she tell you what to do once you find me?” he asked

“Yeah, we’re supposed to find your happiest memory. The exit will be there,” Cas, deep in his thoughts just nodded, “What is it, by the way? Your happiest memory?”

“I...I have no idea, actually,” Cas said after a moment of thinking. He looked up at Dean, maybe hoping for a suggestion from him.

“Well, you’ll know it when you see it, right? I think our best bet is to just keep going through these doors, Rowena said that the way to your happiest memory is through your worst one, so...,”

“Right. Just keep watching my memories and secrets like you did before,” Cas said, bitter.

“Hey, are you mad at me or something?” Dean got no answer to that, “I’m sorry for the invasion of privacy, but you were kind of dying. What, I was supposed to just let that happen?” Cas shrugged, “No. I don’t care what I see there, we’re getting out of here,”

“Whatever,” Cas sighed and went farther into the hall, choosing the next door. 

"Cas, wait," Dean caught up to him, "You okay? I mean, seeing all that again, it gotta be difficult," Cas just stared at him, confused

"It's my head, Dean. I've lived through all of it. How bad can it be?" he said

"Yeah, but... actually feeling all that pain again?"

Cas sighed

"I feel it all the time," he said, "We should hurry," and walked towards the door before Dean could say anything else. Not that he had any idea what he could say. 

The door shut behind them, which never happened before. The sound brought back the panic that left Dean when he saw Cas. He reached for the door handle that expectedly didn't move. The door wouldn't open to matter how hard Dean tried and soon he gave up and left it alone. 

"See any other doors here?" Dean asked, "Cas?"

Cas was staring somewhere ahead of himself, not even hearing Dean's question. Winchester looked around and recognized where he was right away

"Is that…?"

"Lisa Braeden's place. Yes," Cas replied. They stood in front of this big seemingly perfect house that gave Dean...the happiest year of his life? A very difficult one? 

"Cas? Have you even been here?"

"Yes, unfortunately," Cas said and walked into the backyard. Dean followed him there. 

Dean saw himself there. As far as he was concerned, that day wasn't any special - definitely not worth becoming one of the most fundamental memories that would torture Cas years to come. The memory Dean was raking leaves, unaware of still full angel mode Cas standing behind him

"Cas, what is this?" Dean asked

"It's the beginning of an end," Cas replied and before Dean could attack him with more questions, he saw another figure approaching. Crowley. 

"This is where I made that deal with Crowley. To open the purgatory together," Cas said as they watched the younger version of him talk to the demon. 

"I didn't even know you came here," Dean said, "I didn't see you that whole year,"

"I couldn't visit you often," Cas said, still avoiding eye contact, "But from time to time I did. To make sure you were safe, that you were adjusting well,"

"Then you know that I wasn't," 

"I do," Cas agreed, "That's why I came here that day," Cas nodded at the other Dean, "I wanted to ask for your help. I saw how difficult living here was for you and that you weren't happy, so I thought…," he shook his head, "But then, a week prior or so, I saw that things started getting better and I couldn't take it away from you,"

"You should have asked me," Dean said. Cas didn't react, "Cas, you should have asked me, what the hell?"

"Dean, that was the whole reason why all of us stayed away from you that year," Cas said, finally looking Dean in the eye, "Me, Sam, Bobby. We thought you had a chance, even though it was difficult at first, you had a chance,"

"And you were at war!"

"I thought I could handle it," 

Dean looked at the other Cas, focusing on what he was feeling. 

Doubt. Disgust at Crowley. Fear, lots of it, enormous responsibility on his shoulders. But when that Cas looked at Dean, he felt warmth and Dean realized that even if they had a chance for a do-over here, Cas still would leave Dean alone. 

Cas and Crowley disappeared soon and the memory froze. 

"Let's go," Cas said, pointing at a fence door suddenly unlocking. Cas walked through it first. Dean took one last look at the house and followed him. 

Dean had a thousand questions, hundreds of things he wanted to tell Cas now, but as they walked into the next memory, they all vanished, replaced by a warm nostalgia Dean felt.

"Really?" he asked Cas, smiling, "Oh man, you even remember that?"

A brothel. They were at a brothel Dean took Cas when he found out that the angel was still a virgin. Dean couldn't hold back his laughter

"It's a good memory," Cas said, a small smile blooming on his face

"It is," Dean looked around, "Hey, look, that's us!"

Even Cas broke laughing when he saw his own frightened face. Young Dean, meanwhile, was having a time of his life and his older version was, for some reason, a bit embarrassed for him. 

"Come here," Dean led Cas to a booth not far from their old one. From there, they could see and hear everything their old selves were doing. 

"I still can't believe you took me here," Cas said when another half naked woman walked past him.

"What, I had good intentions!" 

"Sure," Cas laughed. 

"Look at yourself," Dean said, "I don't think I ever saw you this scared ever again,"

"I was confused," Cas tried to defend himself

"Hey, look, it's...what was her name?"

"Chastity," Cas remembered simultaneously as the woman introduced herself. In a few seconds she was leading poor Castiel away, leaving Dean to flirt with another woman he never learned the name of.

"That's when you tell her something about her dad," Dean said, as the door closed behind Cas and Chastity in the distance.

"You remember this night pretty well too," Cas noticed. 

"Yeah, well," Dean smiled, "It's a good memory,"

They shared smiles so content and warm that blush started creeping up Dean's cheeks. He looked down before the moment got uncomfortable.

Cas cleared his throat.

“So did anyone else get hurt? After the witch cursed me?” he asked, “You and Sam are okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Dean said, “She used most of her strength on you, it was pretty easy to gank her afterwards,” Cas nodded. Dean actually barely remembered killing the witch. All he remembered was his fear and his anger. He stabbed her in the chest, but that didn’t wake Cas up.

Dean tried to shake those thoughts off.

And Chastity started screaming.

Dean watched himself get up and run off to Cas. 

“They kick us out after that,” Cas pointed out

“Yep,” Dean got up, “Let’s go outside,”

By the time younger and drunker versions of themselves made it outside, older but barely wiser Dean and Cas were already standing by the Impala. Both Deans broke down laughing and soon both Cas’ joined him.

“It's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. It's been more than a long time. Years,” Dean said and now Cas could see the sad smile on his face.

It’s been 10 years since that moment. Has Dean laughed like that again?

“Hey, look,” Dean pointed somewhere at a distance. Another door. 

Now this place wasn’t as easy to recognize. At first Dean thought it was one of the memories he wasn’t a part of, but as they moved further into this trashy roadside diner, Dean noticed the two of them sitting at the table together. It was hard to tell how old the memory was since Cas never changed clothes and Dean -  who was devouring a plate of fries - looked almost the same.

Cas seemed as confused as Dean.

“Are we back on traumatizing bullshit?” Dean asked him

“I’m not sure,” 

They took a seat nearby their counterparts and waited. As far as they could tell, this was a simple post-hunt dinner with Cas mysteriously staring out of the window and Dean eating his way through some story he was telling. 

“How is it a fundamental memory?” Dean asked after 5 more minutes of nothingness.

“I don’t know,” Cas replied.

Dean looked at the other Cas, but even his feelings didn’t help much. Cas was tired and hurt after the hunt, but not severely. He seemed pretty content, actually, listening to Dean’s story even though it was boring even to Dean himself and do I really talk that much?

Neither version of Cas seemed to mind.

“Maybe it’s another good one,” Dean suggested.

And then the waitress showed up.

Dean cringed at his own smug smirk, but had to admit, the waitress was absolutely his type. Tall, blonde, gorgeous and knows it. 

“Everything alright, boys?” she asked them, but her eyes were only on Dean.

“It is now,” Dean heard himself say and rolled his eyes. The memory Cas was looking outside the window again, his contentment completely gone.

“I’ll see if any of the doors are open,” the real Cas said, getting up.

“The memory’s not over, they’re gonna be locked,” Dean said, but Cas didn’t listen. He tried every door and when he ran out, he started the second round.

Meanwhile, the younger Dean just couldn’t take his eyes off the poor waitress. Or not poor - she seemed to reciprocate completely, touching Dean’s arm as she placed down his cup, looking at him from across the diner. 

Cas got more annoyed with each second.

The waitress approached them again, even though there were no plates to take and no more food to give.

“Hey, just so you know, my shift ends in 15 minutes,” she said to Dean. Dean smiled and nodded.

“Noted,” he said and turned back to Cas, “Hey, man, you don’t mind if I...you know?”

For a second Cas just looked at him, his face unreadable. That Dean was oblivious to the pain in Cas’s heart, but this one felt it. And was surprised by it.

“Of course, Dean,” Cas said. Dean smiled. Cas didn’t.

“Awesome, man,” Dean got up, took out his wallet and placed a few banknotes on the table, “I can leave Baby to you, if you want?”

Cas was still upset, but the gesture flattered him anyway

“It’s okay, thank you. I’ll get a cab,”

“Alright. See you tomorrow, maybe,” with a wink and an excited smile, Dean walked away towards the waitress.

The real Dean stood there motionless, eyes on Cas, who watched Dean go. He watched him as he approached the waitress, he watched him as he took her by the waist and led her out of the diner, not once looking back. Cas watched him through the window as Dean kissed her before getting her into the car on the front seat, the one Cas should be occupying.

Only after Dean and the woman he doesn’t even remember the name of drove away, Cas got up. He added a couple banknotes from his own wallet to a small pile Dean left, smiled at another waitress that wished him a good night and left the diner. The memory froze.

“Dean?” apparently Dean froze too, because Cas had to approach him to get his attention,

“Yeah, what?”

“The door opened. Let’s go,” 

Once again, Cas didn’t look at him. He quickly walked to the door and Dean had no choice but to follow him. He didn’t want to look back at the diner either, but the old pain Cas felt that day still hasn’t let go of his heart. So many feelings all at once, but one - the brightest one - Dean couldn’t give a name to. Couldn’t, or didn’t want to.

Deep inside he knew what it was.

But then another door closed behind them, and what was inside of that room overshadowed whatever it was Dean felt.

There was blood, again. Maybe just as much of it as before, maybe more. The smell hit his nose the moment the door closed behind them. Dean looked around and gasped.

“No,” Cas uttered, terror in his eyes. He looked at Dean and headed back to the door, “Come on, come on! Not this one,” Cas tried the door again and again, knowing damn well it wouldn’t open until they watch the memory to the end. At one point he stopped, but stayed there with his back turned towards the room.

Towards the room that smelled like blood and had hundreds and hundreds of dead clones of Dean Winchester on the floor.

“Cas,” Dean called out once initial shock wore off, “What the hell?”

“Dean, just don’t-”

“You can do this, Castiel,” Dean heard a voice he was sure he would never hear again. Naomi, “Remember who you are! Remember your purpose!”

She was standing in the corner of the room, a warehouse actually, Cas by her side. His blade, his clothes, his face - all were covered in splashes of blood. The angel somehow looked simultaneously scared and numb. Dean couldn’t see him like that. Dean couldn’t look away.

“When...when will it be enough?” he asked. Naomi looked at him, pity and disgust mixed on her cold face. Dean was burning with rage, but that rage was fully his own. The Castiel that stared at Naomi was already too far gone to feel anything

“It will be enough, when I say so. When you are ready,” Naomi said. And another version of Dean appeared in front of them, “Go ahead. No hesitation, Castiel,”

Cas pulled out his blade and Dean - the fake Dean, the smiling Dean, Dean who looked exactly like the real thing and wow this is messing with him - just chuckled at the angel.

“Hey, Cas, what are you doing?” he asked. Cas struck the first blow.

“Dean, don’t watch this,” Dean didn’t even notice how the real Cas approached him and automatically flinched away from his touch.

“I-”

“Cas, no!” the fake Dean was on his knees now and this looked wildly familiar, except this Dean was still trying to block Cas’s punches, desperately fighting back in a battle he had no chance to win, “Cas, please, don’t” another blow. The fake Dean was almost laying on his back now, his face a bloody mess, “Cas, please...please, Cas,”

Castiel’s blade went through his heart. Dean’s body dropped and Cas didn’t even look at it. He looked at Naomi and her shark-like grin.

“No hesitation. Quick. Brutal,” she said. Both of them looked down at the lifeless body, “Everything's back in order,” her smile grew even bigger, “Finally. You’re ready,”

Castiel’s expression didn’t change, he kept staring at the fake dead Dean, but what he saw didn’t evoke anything in him. It was like his heart grew colder with every second and Dean would do anything to stop feeling that.

“Dean?” Cas looked scared and broken and fuck this is his traumatic memory and he never even told Dean about it. Dean tried to think of ways to comfort him or things to say but he felt like he was about to suffocate if he doesn’t get out of there soon.

“I think...I think that door is open,” Dean said and headed towards the door Naomi came through. She still stood there, her and Cas, frozen and motionless, but Dean speeded up when he passed them anyway. He stared at the ground, trying to ignore the biggest pile of bodies he had ever seen. Bodies with his own face.

He reached the door quickly and after making sure that Cas - the real Cas, not cold-hearted brainwashed angel who stood in the center of the room - was behind him, he put his hand on the door handle, but before he could twist it, he heard a loud gasp.

“Murderer,” Dean heard his own voice.

He turned around and saw Cas standing right next to that pile of bodies. With a hand clasped around his ankle. Dean’s own hand.

“You’re...you’re a murderer,” the fake Dean said, coughing up blood. Cas didn’t even try to set himself free of Dean’s grip. He just stared at him wide eyed

“Look at what you did to me!” the corpse's voice gained more power with every word. His eyes were dead, but they were glued to Cas’s, “Look at what you did!” 

Dean couldn’t look away, couldn’t move. His brain yelled at him to go help Cas, but he just stood there with his hand on the door handle.

“Look at me, Cas! This is what you do! This is what you bring! Pain, death!” he yelled now. He yelled and Cas listened, “What did I do to deserve it? What did I do to deserve you ?”

Cas seemed so small there. Powerless and terrified, he didn’t even try. Dean had to try for him.

“Poison! That’s what you are!”

Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulders and the grip of a dead body turned out to be surprisingly strong

“And you’ll do the same thing to him one day. You know it,” the corpse looked at Dean now and Winchester almost let go of Cas. Those gray-ish eyes took one look at him and reached his very soul, “You know it, Cas, you know, it doesn’t matter how much you try to care, how much you love him, you will be the death of him,”

Dean felt Cas’s shoulder soften underneath his hands.

“You talk too much,” Dean said and pulled Cas out. The zombie Dean kept yelling and spitting out threats, but Dean didn’t hear them anymore. He opened the door and pushed Cas out. 

The silence was blissful. So was the absence of the smell. Dean still had his hands on Cas’s shoulder when they found themselves in a new room, that wasn’t specifically a room. It was a barn.

“You okay?” Dean asked Cas. Cas kept looking around, avoiding Dean’s eyes.

“Yes,” he said, “This place…”

Dean looked up. The barn was old, but the walls were covered in freshly painted signs and sigils. The light was dimmed, but he could see two figures standing, fully armed. 

“Bobby,” he breathed out. Cas looked at him, “This is…”

“The night we met,”

Then, as if it was waiting for Cas’s call, thunder rolled. Or not thunder. 

“Wishful thinking, but maybe it's just the wind,” the other Dean said and god he looked young. He smiled at Bobby, but Dean still remembers how shitty he felt.

The doors bursted open, the bulbs went off, sparks flew everywhere and he walked in. Dean saw terror on his and Bobby’s faces and

Smiled.

“Did you purposely make your entrance as dramatic as possible?” he asked Cas, as the young version of him approached them

“What?”

“Look, the rattling, the doors, the lights going off. Were you trying to impress me or something?” Dean wiggled his eyebrows and finally got a chuckle out of Cas.

“Back then I wouldn’t even understand the concept of trying to impress someone,” he said

“Oh, as if you do now,” Cas’s chuckle grew into quiet laughter as he bumped Dean’s shoulder with his.

“Who are you?”

“I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”

“Oh! Oh! And that line!” Dean said, full on laughing now, “Gripped you tight and raised you from perdition,” he said, lowering his voice to match Cas’s, “That’s some Shakespearian bullshit, dude,”

“It’s really not,” Cas said, but laughed too. Somewhere in the background Dean was stabbing Cas in the chest

“You know, at first I thought that’s just how all you angels were - nerdy, weird little dudes,” Dean started, “Turns out it’s just you,” he said, fond smile on his lips.

“Is it a good thing?” Cas asked

“Yeah. It is,” they both smiled now, but Dean wasn’t the one to look away. Cas’s smile disappeared and he cleared his throat

“Dean, I have to explain what happened in the previous memory,”

“You don’t,” Dean interrupted him, “I mean, I pretty much get what was happening there. Except for the last part,”

“It was the curse, I assume. Maybe it’s fighting back like that,”

“Yeah, probably,” Dean agreed, “I mean, you know that what he...I...it said was a bunch of bullshit, right?” Cas looked down again, “Cas. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Cas said, but Dean wasn’t convinced. Unfortunately they didn’t have the time for a self-worth pep-talk.

“Well, I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?”

“I told you,”

“Right. And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?”

“Good things do happen, Dean.”

Dean looked at Cas, who stared at the scene as attentively.

Yeah, they do.

“Not in my experience.”

“What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?”

Dean wanted to laugh again. It took Cas what 3 minutes to just completely figure Dean out? He still remembered how exposed he felt under Cas’s intense stare. 12 years passed and not much changed. Cas still stares, he still stands too close, and he still gets him. Totally and completely. 

And he’s still here. 

Maybe the curse was getting weaker, or maybe they just got lucky, but the memory of their first meeting (their meet-cute, as Dean thought, but held himself back from saying) wasn’t altered and ruined. It stayed the way it was - dark and scary and perfect. On their way to the next door Dean even thought that it might be it - Cas’s happiest memory, and when the door opened and he saw the bunker’s walls, he almost believed that it really was and that they made it out.

But then Lucifer showed up.

Cas was there too, tied to one of the chairs in the library with tape over his mouth. He watched as the devil approached him with a winning grin. There was no fight on Castiel’s face.

“When did this happen?” Dean asked

“It didn’t,” Cas said with a sigh, “It’s all in my head,”

After spending hours in Cas’s head, Dean didn’t know what that meant anymore. 

In the meantime, Lucifer approached the tied up Castiel and leaned down in front of him.

“Having fun, Castiel?” Lucifer’s smile grew bigger, if that was even possible, “What, no comebacks anymore?” he asked and then laughed, “Right, my bad, hold on,” with a loud noise, he tore the tape off Cas’s mouth.

“Do you have nothing to do except to torment me?” Cas asked and Dean felt his anger and his pain. It was a good thing though. Better than cold numbness

“But it’s my favorite part of the day! So refreshing,” the devil sighed fondly, “Your friends are incredibly stupid, you know that? Especially Dean,” he laughed and Dean shot a look at his Cas, who just stared ahead of himself helplessly.

“So stupid,” Lucifer repeated, shaking his head, “Naive too. I mean, for how long has he known you now? A decade? And he still can’t figure me out!” his laughter filled the bunker’s empty walls. Dean felt goosebumps all over his skin.

“It was when he possessed you,” he said. Cas didn’t react.

“You know, brother, I really would love to give you the comfort of knowing that your little pet humans just love and trust you so much that they aren’t doubting anything, but I don’t think that’s the case,” Lucifer continued, “I think they just don’t care,”

“You don’t know what you are talking about,” Cas answered

“Oh, don’t I?” Lucifer stood right in front of Cas’s chair, making him look up at him, “We both know the truth, Cas. We both know what you allowed them to do to yourself. Do you even remember who you were?”

Cas looked away and Lucifer wouldn’t have it. He leaned in, painfully close to Cas and grabbed his face.

“An angel, a warrior! You used to be great, now look at yourself. Pathetic, beat up toy the Winchesters will throw away the second you aren’t useful to them,”

Dean’s eyes jumped between two Castiels. He wanted to cover Cas’s ears, not let him hear the lies coming from the devil’s mouth, he wanted to cover his own ears and close his eyes and just wait for it all to end, but it was useless. The pain - Cas’s pain - that tore his heart showed that the damage was already done.

And he knew nothing of it.

“I don’t have any regrets,” Cas said to Lucifer, holding on to the last bits of his dignity

“I know you don’t. That’s the saddest part,” Lucifer said, “ When will you understand, Castiel? You are not their friend. You are an asset,” Cas’s mouth flew open, but no words came out. He just stared at the devil, while he smiled. Few more seconds, and Lucifer left. Slowly the lights went out around Castiel, leaving him alone and helpless.

For a while they stood there in darkness, in a frozen memory. Dean wanted to reach out to Cas, but didn’t know what touch would be comforting enough. He wanted to say something, but what words could possibly begin to express what he felt? 

“Cas?” he asked and heard him take a breath

“This isn’t fair,” Cas whispered, mostly to himself, in a tired, broken tone, “You shouldn’t have come for me,”

“What?” 

It was too dark and Dean hated it. He knew they needed to get to the next door, the next memory, but who knows what’s gonna be there? Another trauma Dean knew nothing of (and Cas clearly intended to keep it that way) or one more good memory that will be painted black by the damn curse?

They stood in the dark.

“There is no way out,” Cas said, “You need to...you need to find a way to get Rowena to pull you out,” he sniffed, but his voice was firm now

“Fuck no,” Dean said and reached for Cas’s hand. He grabbed his arm and squeezed it, “We’re getting out, you hear me?”

“I can’t keep doing this,” Cas said, “Not with you, I can’t”

Dean’s anger grew, but with it so did his determination.

“Well, you’ll have to. I’m not leaving,” Cas didn’t say anything, “Cas, please, man. We’re close, I can feel it,” Dean could barely see it, but Cas shook his head, “Cas, whatever I see here, it doesn’t change anything, okay? Lucifer told you a bunch of crap to keep you from fighting back, Michael did the same thing to me,” Dean said, “None of this can change how I feel about you, okay?”

Cas looked up as Dean’s breath caught up in his throat.

Was that too much? Does he even know what that means?  

“I-,”

The door opened across the library before Cas could say anything. 

Hesitantly, they walked through it. Just to show up in the same room again.

“What the hell?” Dean asked. Cas just shrugged. They walked deeper into the library and saw Cas sitting at the table.

It took both men less than a second to realize exactly what was about to happen.

Maybe it was Cas’s clothes, or the food he was eating 

Or just the general feeling of calm before the storm.

“Oh shit,” Dean whispered.

The other Dean walked in, uneasy steps echoing in the library. Cas looked up at him and smiled, openly and sincerely.

Dean couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t. 

“This ethnic food. I can't get enough,” Cas said with a low chuckle. Cas in his stolen clothes, with his unshaved face, who looked comfortable and free, now that he thought he could finally relax, now that he was finally safe.

Dean approached him to ruin all of it.

“Shit. Shit,” Dean kept muttering under his breath. It was like watching a car crash - it’s awful and disturbing, you can’t do shit to stop it, but at the same time you can’t look away.

“Cas, uh, can we talk?” Dean asked

“Of course,” Cas answered because of course he did, “Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks, our time together,”

Dean closed his eyes. He can’t. He can’t.

The fake Dean breathed out, bracing himself and Dean remembers exactly how fucking hard it was, to say what he was about to say and Cas’s reaction - or to be exact his timid submission and the heartbreak in his eyes - stood before Dean’s eyes for months to come. He couldn’t watch it again.

“Listen, buddy. Um... You can't stay,” Dean said.

And nothing happened. Silence filled the room and Cas just stared at him. He didn’t try to cover and hide his pain like he does now, because back then he just didn’t know how. For so long, neither of them said anything and the real Dean dared to hope that this is how Cas remembered that day and the memory was frozen, but of course he’s wrong.

Freshly human Cas clears his throat and looks down. When he meets Dean’s eyes again, his are slightly red.

“Why?” Cas asked all too carefully. Like Dean might snap at him, like he’s afraid of him.

Dean took a deep breath. He should at least look at Cas, see how this is affecting him.

He can’t.

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean started and all of them know he’s about to lie. Even the naive and heartbroken young Cas could feel he was being lied to, “Sam is still really weak and you have a target on your back. If the angels show up here, I don’t know if I can protect Sammy,”

Cas slowly nodded. He looked down, a small frown appeared in between his brows.

Dean felt his pain. But it was so much more...different than those that other memories brought. Cas felt cheated, betrayed. Even if he accepted Dean’s lame excuse, it still meant that Dean didn’t mind throwing Cas off on the streets, as long as his brother was safe. 

And that thought wasn’t that surprising to Cas. He knew it, of course he did. Sam would always be a priority to Dean, no matter what - Cas knew it.

Then why does it hurt so fucking much?

“Okay,” Cas said. He slowly got up from his chair.

“Cas, I really am sorry,” Cas nodded. He didn’t believe Dean. 

It was so quiet. So, so quiet. Cas didn’t know what to say and Dean didn’t know what he could say to somehow make this better without giving away his deal with that Ezekiel-Gadreel fucker. 

Cas looked at Dean, as if waiting for him to change his mind, say it was all a joke and of course you can stay, dummy. This is your home.

Dean said no such thing. His gaze was glued to the floor, mouth shut.

Cas didn’t have any possessions to collect, no excuse to make this moment last longer, yet his sight lingered on Dean’s face and for the real Dean it felt like a punch in the gut.

Dean hated that Cas wasn’t angry. He hated that Cas didn’t hate him. How much easier it would be if Cas resisted, at least a little. Dean would so much rather fight and have Cas scream at him, than just watch him pack the rest of his burrito up, leave it on the table and silently head to the exit. 

“Cas, wait!” Dean said, when Cas was already near the stairs. He turned around, a spark of hope burning up in his chest, making Dean’s heart shatter all over again.

The memory Dean walked up to Cas and pulled out his wallet. He took out all the cash he had and handed it to Cas. 

Cas helplessly stared at the money. All hope died in him.

“I don’t need this,” he said, though he did.

“You will,” Dean said, “Please, take it. Please,” 

Cas still wouldn’t move so Dean shoved the money into the pocket of his hoodie. Cas sighed.

“Thank you,” he said

“Don’t thank me, Cas,”

Once again, Cas just nodded. He turned around and took the stairs. One last sad look down, at Dean, at the bunker and he was gone.

The memory froze.

Dean felt a sharp need to say something, but his mind was blank. He finally dared to look at Cas though. His eyes were glued to the door his past self disappeared behind. 

Did he ever apologize for it?

They talked, right?

Yeah, around the time when Sam was simultaneously possessed by an angel and a demon.

Cas forgave him. Of course, he did. Cas understood.

And yet it’s one of his worst, most fundamental memories. 

“We should go,” Cas broke the silence first. His voice was almost as small and quiet as it was when he asked why his best friend, the only family he thought he had kicked him out of his home with some to none explanation. 

He walked towards the closest door that was already supposed to be open, but a loud, heavy sigh stopped him. 

A sigh coming from a frozen memory.

“What are you doing here, Cas?” Dean - the other Dean - asked. 

He looked slightly younger, but not young enough to not feel real. So when his angry tired eyes pierced into Cas’s, it was really hard to remember that they were fake.

“Fuck, hold on,” Dean had no time to freak out now. He rushed to another door, but it wouldn’t open. He pushed and pulled, messed with the lock, but nothing changed. The memory wouldn’t let them out, “Come on, we watched it! It’s not fair!”

“I’ll try another,” Cas said and went on trying storage room doors, closets and even drawers. Everything that had a lock, was locked.

At least the dream version of Dean didn’t follow Cas. He just stood there, getting more and more angry with every moment.

Soon Dean thought he was going to have to defend Cas from himself and wow was that a good metaphor for some periods of their relationship.

“How many times do I have to tell you, huh? Why are you making this difficult?” the other Dean said. Cas was preoccupied with the bathroom door, “You are not welcome here!”

“Oh, shut up, will you?” Dean screamed at himself, trying to pick a lock of his door. Good thing he wasn’t empty handed.

“No, seriously, Cas, why would you even assume I’d let you stay here?” Dean looked at Cas, who wouldn’t take his attention off of the door. Good. But the frown between his brows and slight blush on his face still spoke volumes.

Cas was embarrassed for his own subconsciousness. Of course.

“We found this place without you, you were actually God knows where the whole time, while we needed your help,” he went on, "It's your thing, isn't it? Disappearing when we actually need you, coming back when things are already ruined and making them even worse,"

Dean tried to focus on the door, on getting them out of here, on making this corrupted version of himself shut up, but nothing worked and he kept throwing glances at Cas, who slowed down with every poisonous word that came out of Dean's clone. 

"My question is - why even bother coming back?" his voice grew stronger and louder

"You looked for me," Cas answered him, barely even trying to open the door anymore

"Cas, don't listen to him!" Dean tried, but Cas didn't react

"Yeah, I did. When I thought you could help Sam!” the fake Dean was approaching Cas now, getting closer with every word, “Now look at you! You managed to lose the only thing that made you valuable,”

“It wasn’t my fault,” Cas turned to him, abandoning the door. Dean took it as a cue to work harder on his door.

“Oh nothing ever is! You trusted Metatron, you went to him even when I needed your help! If it wasn’t for you, maybe Sam would be okay now,”

Cas froze.

“Cas?” Dean felt movement in the lock and kept trying, “Cas, look at me! Cas?”

Cas didn’t move. Didn’t acknowledge Dean’s words at all.

“It was bad enough having to tolerate you on the hunts, but at least you could help,” the fake Dean scoffed, “I don’t even know why you’re here now, I don’t need you. I don’t want you here,”

The lock almost gave in, Dean could feel it, but he was losing a bigger battle here. Suddenly, the whole room started shaking, like during the biggest earthquake Dean had ever experienced. Soon he could barely stand without holding on to a wall.

“Cas, stay with me, buddy. It’s a curse, remember?” Cas showed no reaction. The pictures of the walls rattled, some books fell from the shelves.

“You will never be my family. You’re just a burden,” Dean heard the creature, the parasite that tormented his friend’s mind say and there was a certain finalty to it and Dean could feel it too. He could feel something break in Cas.

“Cas, you’re there?” he reached out and gave one last try to the door. It opened, “Yes! Cas, let’s go,”

The ex angel just stood there, eyes full of tears and fear. Dean reached to him, grabbing him by the shoulders. Cas flinched at the touch, hard.

“Come on, Cas, it’s me,” 

Cas shut his eyes, tension in his whole body

“Too late, Winchester,” the voice, not quite Dean’s, said, “I already broke him,” the witch spoke through Dean’s mouth, smirking. Around them, the whole bunker was falling apart.

“Bite me,” Dean said and hushed Cas out of the room before it got completely destroyed.

But it wasn’t much better outside.

They were back in that hallway and the river of blood could now reach Dean’s ankles.

“What the hell?” Dean looked around - dozens of identical doors, no sign what to do next and endless river of blood. 

It was getting harder to breathe with every second.

“Cas, you’re okay?” Dean looked back at his friend, who was standing with his eyes closed and his back pressed against the door they came through, “Cas?” Dean moved to him, making Cas flinch and pushed himself harder against the door.

“I’ll go, I’ll go,” he kept repeating

“Cas, you listen to me,” Dean reached to touch his shoulder and Cas covered his face with his hands. The blood seemed to flow faster, “Cas, dammit, listen to me!”

Dean was losing control of himself, of everything that was going on. Maybe Rowena was right, maybe Sam would have handled this better.

Sam isn’t there though. Dean is.

“Cas, listen,” Dean tried again, lowering his voice, “I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, you have no idea,” he said, “I should have never done that, I should have never made you leave, I’m sorry,”

“I’ll go, Dean, I swear,” Cas whispered. Dean couldn’t tell if Cas even heard him at this point, but he had to keep trying.

“No, no, you won’t,” he placed his hands on Cas’s forearms, “I need you here, okay? I need you here, with me. We’ll get out of here and everything’s going to be fine, alright? We’ll go back home,”

Cas’s response was a quiet chanter of words Dean could barely understand anymore

“Cas, we’re so close, one last push, okay?” Dean had tears on his eyes but paid no attention to it, “Just look at me, man, please. Look at me,”

Cas lowered his hands and Dean immediately took them in his, gently squeezing his fingers.

“It’s gonna be alright. We’ll get out,” Cas still wouldn’t meet his eyes, “Cas, I’m not asking you to forgive me, I will never forgive myself for that,” Dean said nodding at the door behind Cas, “But I need you to get yourself together. I need you to keep going. We’re gonna break this curse and we’re gonna get out,”

Certain awareness started blooming on Cas’s face. He finally looked up.

“A curse…,” he mumbled

“Yes, a curse! A witch cursed you, remember?”

“Yes…” Cas looked at Dean, expression completely unreadable, “I don’t...I don’t understand anymore,” he shook his head, frustrated. Dean saw how Cas was fighting for his own sanity there, “It’s all getting mixed up. We need to get out of here quickly, Dean,”

“Yeah, Cas, we do,” Dean looked back at the doors. The blood started calming down, but the hunter couldn’t afford to care about it anymore, “If that was your worst memory, the next one has to be our way out, but I don’t know which one,” Cas looked at the doors too, more collected now, “Got a hunch, maybe?”

Cas took a deep breath and approached one of the doors. His hands shook, he wasn’t stable on his legs. But he was strong. The strongest.

“This one’s as good as any,” Cas said. Dean nodded. 

“I hope it’s the last,” Cas threw him a nervous look. Dean sighed and reached for the door handle, but before he twisted it, he took Cas’s hand. Cas carefully squeezed it and hopefully for the last time, they walked through another one of Cas’s memories. 

The bunker. Again. Dean braced himself for having to fight through another nightmare, but Cas’s hand relaxed in his. He recognized the memory.

“Tell me it’s a good one,” Dean said.

“Yeah. It is,” Cas said, relieved.

They were standing in the hallway, right next to the Deancave. Soon the infamous and once glorious Team Free Will walked through the door and Dean and Cas followed them. Sam had a bowl of popcorn in his hands, Dean had many and many DVDs, while Cas carried his laptop. As they walked into the Deancave Sam immediately jumped onto the only armchair in the room, making Dean and Cas share the small couch. Neither seemed to mind.

“You nerds picked anything?” Dean asked, going through his DVDs, “Hey, what about Jurassic World?”

“World?” Cas asked, “I thought the movie was about the park,”

“Yeah they made a god awful useless sequel and called it ‘Jurassic World’,” Sam said, rolling his eyes.

“There is nothing awful about it,” Dean chimed in,

“Uhm, yeah, there is,” Sam said, “Starting with a weak ass premise and ending with the casting of Hollywood’s most homophobic Chris,”

“It’s just 2 hours of attractive people running around with dinosaurs, chill a bit, Samantha,” Dean said

“The original movies were more than that. And the name is stupid,”

“There I agree,” Cas said, “If the movie is still about the park, why indicate that the scope of the conflict increased by naming it ‘Jurassic World'? Is it a worldwide issue now?”

“Exactly!” Sam agreed. 

Dean let his brother and his best friend talk shit about the poor movie all they wanted. He watched them with a small fond smile on his lips. At some point, he even leaned his head against Cas’s arm, but the angel was so deep in his conversation with Sam that he barely noticed.

“Don’t tell me this is your happiest memory,” Dean said to Cas. The other man just smiled and shrugged

“It could be,” he said, “It’s nice. Peaceful,”

“Yeah, but we’re not even doing anything. Did we even watch the movie that night?”

“I think we did,”

“Alright, kids, enough of that,” Dean interrupted their discussion when his boredom took over him, “ If you can’t pick, I’ll choose something,” 

Sam and Cas waited for the verdict. Dean leaned back on Cas’s arm and kept flipping through the DVDs.

“Hey, let’s watch Constantine,” Dean looked up at Cas and their faces were awfully close. Neither of them seemed to mind, but the real Dean felt blush coming up.

“What is it about?” Cas asked

“It’s basically about you,” Sam said. Cas raised his brow in confusion

“It’s about a dude who wears a trench coat and hunts supernatural stuff,” Dean elaborated. Cas rolled his eyes

“Pick something else,”

And the debate went on.

“Seriously, we’re not doing anything! How is it your happiest memory?” Dean asked

“Well, it’s all three of us together, no one is dying, there are no threats upon us, at least not ones that we know of. You and I aren’t in a fight, neither are you and Sam,” Cas said, “What else could I want?”

For a long moment Dean just looked at Cas. Searched his face for god knows what. But Cas’s smile remained sincere and the feeling that the other Cas was currently experiencing could very well be happiness.

Dean smiled

“Your bar is dangerously low, Cas,” he said. Cas shrugged.

“You know what? It’s late, I think I’m gonna raincheck on the movie night,” Sam said, getting up.

“Oh come on!,” Dean groaned, “You do it every time, man,”

Sam smiled and put the half empty bowl of popcorn on Dean’s lap.

“Next time, I promise,” Sam said and left the room.

“You’re not leaving me, are you?” Dean asked Cas, surfing through Netflix on his laptop.

“Never,” Cas said and only now Dean could see the way he looked at him then. The other Dean just nodded

“You know what? They call it classics for a reason. How ‘bout Tombstone?” Dean asked, full on expecting Cas to groan something like “again, really?”

“Sure,” Cas said instead.

“We watched that movie like 5 times, at least,” Dean said, as they turned it on. The armchair was empty now, but neither of them even thought of getting on it.

“Yeah, we did,”

For a while, truly nothing happened. They just watched slightly younger versions of themselves watch the movie, eat their popcorn. Dean quoted every other line, Cas looked impressed every time, though he had already learned them too by then. Cas laughed every time Dean made a joke, even though they were never particularly funny. But even now, even the real Cas still chuckled at them.

“I take it back,” Dean said soon

“What?”

“That’s a good happiest memory. It’s probably mine too,” Dean said. They looked at each other, with that intense yet warm glance they sometimes shared, but this time neither of them were going to drop it. 

Dean just noticed that he was still holding Cas’s hand, but that thought wasn’t scary. He squeezed his hand and Cas squeezed it back. Dean didn’t really know what he was doing or how far he was willing to go, but the happiness and warmth that Cas was feeling just drowned all reasons and excuses Dean usually used when it came to moments like that. Suddenly Dean forgot everything that was holding him back.

“Thanks for being here, Cas,” he said and it was a good start. Cas smiled more, but before he could answer they heard a very clear sound of a door unlocking. A door that was never there before.

Still, holding hands, they approached it. Bleak light was coming from underneath it and it could either be the sign of their win, or another cheat that would throw them into more pain.

“You ready?” Dean asked. 

Cas looked back at the picture behind himself and part of him wanted to stay there, to get lost in it, to become the Cas that was currently sitting so close to Dean that their thighs touched and contemplating on what was going to happen if he tries to casually throw his arm around his shoulders, like they do in the movies.

“Yes,” Cas looked back at Dean, at their joined hands, “I’m ready,”

They opened the door. 

Dean woke up quickly, aggressively, scaring the shit out of Sam and gaining a raised brow from Rowena. He sat up on a bed and took quick deep breaths, running his hand across his chest to make sure he was okay.

“Dean!” In a second Sam was by the bed, “You’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean felt like he ran a marathon and was pretty anxious for some reason, but other than that - totally unharmed.

Still took him a second to remember where he was and what happened.

“Cas!” he looked at the other bed just to see Cas still unconscious, “No,no,no,” he approached him in one quick move, but before Dean could touch Cas’s face, Rowena slapped his hand away

“He is fine!” she said, “Just asleep,”

“Asleep? How do you know?”

“The curse was broken, I can no longer sense it,” she explained, “Impressive work, by the way,”

“Are you sure he’s fine? Why didn’t he wake up right away?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because Castiel here almost died and his very human body needs rest?” Dean sighed and sat back on his bed

“Fine,”

“Well, great job, everyone, since my services are no longer needed, I shall be on my way,” Rowena grabbed her purse and got up

“Nope,” Dean said to her, “You shall be on your way as soon as I see Cas up and running,” 

“Dean, for the love of-”

“I need to make sure, alright? He wakes up and you can go,” for a moment Rowena just looked at Dean, clutching the purse in her hands. Then she sighed and sat back down

“Alright,” she said, “I’m only doing it for the handsome angel here,” she smiled at Cas, “And since I’m staying, are you going to hold me a prisoner here? No lunch, no nothing? Chivalry really is dead,” Dean rolled his eyes so hard it almost hurt

“Sam, fetch her something to eat,” he said. Sam knew that arguing was useless - nothing would make Dean leave Cas’s side now - so he got up and headed to the kitchen, “Oh, there’s nothing in the fridge,” Dean said.

“Really?” Sam deadpanned

“I was planning to do some grocery shopping on the way home from the hunt, but...well,” he shrugged. Sam just put out his hand and Dean threw him the keys to Baby. 

The bunker’s main door loudly closed behind Sam.

Dean meanwhile leaned back on the bed, keeping his eyes on Cas in case he wakes up. He was tired too, but didn’t trust Rowena enough to sleep in her presence.

“So, Dean,” she started and by her tone alone Dean could tell he wasn’t going to like this conversation, “Enjoyed what you saw?”

“Funny,” Dean said

“I truly am impressed, Dean,” Rowena went on, “That was a difficult curse to break. Stronger men failed,”

“Well, it was difficult,” Dean said, “We did it, that’s all that matters,”

Rowena nodded, but watched Dean carefully

“You seem distressed,”

“Oh, you’d be too if you saw what I saw,”

“You can share with me,” Rowena said and her voice showed that Dean absolutely should not share with her, “Oh, Dean, come on. I am just offering emotional support, as a friend,” she said, “Trust me, if Castiel’s fears and thoughts were of value to me, I’d already have them,”

Dean rolled his eyes. But her argument did make some sense

“It was...bad,” he started, “Worse than I expected. I could feel what he was feeling at the moment, and it was...really intense,”

“I imagine,”

“I thought Cas couldn’t...feel and express emotions the way humans do when he was an angel, but...man I was wrong,” Dean sighed

“You had no way of knowing, Dean,” Rowena said. Dean nodded, “I assume you saw yourself in some of his memories,”

“Most of them,” Dean said, looking down at his hands, “It’s...I was a part of most of Cas’s worst memories. Hell, I started most of them,”

“Well, Castiel does spend an awful amount of time with you and your brother, so it would only make sense that you are an important figure in his life,” she tried to elaborate, but Dean shook his head

“It’s not like that,” he said

“What is it then?”

Dean took a pause, thinking on whether it was even worth it to share these thoughts with Rowena. Yes, she was a smart woman, understanding one, but nothing about her was trustworthy. Still, Dean felt the words jumping in his throat.

He let go of them.

“I ruined his life,”

Dean felt Rowena’s eyes on him - warm, sympathetic, almost motherly - and couldn’t meet her gaze. He more or less knew what she was about to say too, and didn’t want to hear. Dean didn’t want and didn’t deserve any comfort.

But he had to admit that even just saying those words made him feel better.

“Oh, did you now?” Rowena asked and it was not what Dean expected to hear. 

Was she making fun of him?

“Yeah, I did,” Dean said, “I am his worst memory, I am the reason why he almost died today and-”

“Oh, Dean, if making this about yourself makes you feel any better, please by all means, go on,” she said. Dean forgot what he wanted to say.

“Excuse me?"

“What, am I wrong?” she moved to the edge of her seat and looked Dean directly in the eyes

“I...I don’t know, that’s not what I was saying,”

“Then what were you saying?”

“I…,” Dean sighed, trying to get a hold of his thoughts, “I was a bad friend to him. All this time, I was an assole, still am,”

“Dean, you say it as if being an asshole is some kind of lethal diagnosis,” Rowena said, “And would an asshole put his own sanity on the line to save his friend?”

“A non-asshole wouldn’t drag his friend into a life like that,”

“And without you Castiel’s life would be that much better, wouldn’t it?” 

“Yes!” Dean exclaimed, “He’d sure die less,”

“Of course, because he wouldn’t really live,” Rowena said, “If the two of you hadn’t met, Castiel would still be in heaven, serving an uncaring God, oblivious to the whole world of feelings and experiences that is open to him now!”

Dean stayed silent for a while

“As much as you don’t want to admit it, Dean, you changed Castiel fundamentally and every painful memory you may or may not have caused shaped him into a person he is right now,” she said, tone way more gentle, “I find that person rather spectacular. Do you?”

“Yes,” Dean breathed out, “I do,”

“And besides, just the fact that you consider yourself a bad friend to Castiel and can admit it means that there is room for improvement,” she noted, “If you want to be a better friend to him, what’s stopping you?” she asked, “Or perhaps, more than a friend…” 

Rowena’s voice was careful, quiet, as if speaking to a wild animal, but Dean still shot up a shocked glance at her

“What?”

“Not ready for that discussion yet, I see,” she said, “Well, according to Winchester standards, you made a whole lot of progress today anyway,” Rowena said, marking the end of the conversation that Dean wasn’t sure he was ready to end

“Hold on a second,” he started, but was interrupted by the bunker door opening and closing. The squeaking alone was terribly loud and when Dean checked on Cas, he saw him frowning and putting his hands over his ears.

“See?” Rowena asked, “The angel lives,”

Dean carefully kneeled in front of Cas’s bed.

“Cas?” he whispered, “Tell me you’re okay and you can go back to sleep,”

“M’fine,” Cas mumbled against his pillow and Dean smiled.

“Alright, buddy,” he patted his shoulder and got up. Rowena was standing by, smirk on her lips and purse in her hands.

“Now I can officially leave,” she said, “Don’t forget what we discussed, Dean!” she walked past him, meeting Sam in the war room and flipping her hair in his direction as a goodbye.

“Didn’t even stay for lunch,” Sam muttered as the door closed behind her

“Hey, I’m hungry too,” Dean took the bags away from Sam and headed to the kitchen. Sam sighed and followed him.

Sam brought burgers, which was nice, but Dean for the love of him couldn’t register how they actually tasted. Hell, they could have been vegan and he wouldn’t know a thing. To say the least, the lunch was quiet and uncomfortable.

“So,” Sam started, poking his salad with a fork, “You’re alright?”

“Sure,” Dean mumbled with his mouth stuffed

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” 

“Nah,” Dean said, “Nothin’ to talk about,”

“Really?”

“Yep,” Dean dipped his fry into the ketchup until it was completely covered. And then just threw it on his plate

“Dean,” Sam called out again and Dean was close to snapping, he really was, but stopped himself. He took a deep breath and leaned back on his chair, closing his eyes,

“Do you think Cas regrets meeting us?” he asked and it took Sam a second to figure out what he really meant, so bizarre his question was. 

But Dean’s face was serious, pained and Sam could see how hard it was for Dean to say those words and how badly they tortured him.

So Sam made a serious face too.

“No,” he said, “Of course, not,”

He sounded sure, but in reality Sam had no way of knowing the answer to that question. Yet, Sam knew that Dean’s actual question was slightly different.

Do you think he regrets meeting me?

That’s what Dean wanted to know.

“Why not?” Dean asked, “How do you even know?”

“Dean, Cas is our best friend,” Sam said and that almost cliche phrase made Dean want to roll his eyes, but he didn’t, “He’s proven his loyalty to us time and time again, how are you even doubting it?”

“That’s not what I mean, Sam!” Dean raised his voice and immediately regretted it, “I know that he’s...loyal to us or whatever, but I mean...do you think he’d be better off without us? Without ever knowing us?”

Sam sighed. 

Just say “me” he thought.

“No, I don’t think that,” Sam said

“Why not? If some other angel saved me-”

“If some other angel saved you, we’d all be dead by now. The whole world,” Sam interrupted Dean, “Because no other angel would rebel against heaven for us, no other angel would sacrifice himself time and time again,” Sam said, “No other angel would stay, Dean,”

Dean looked down. Nodded.

“Why are you even thinking about those things?” Sam asked.

“Because he should be regretting it. Meeting us, saving me, all that,” Dean said, still avoiding eye contact.

“But why?”

“Because!” Dean snapped,  “Wanna know what his worst memory is? The worst memory of an angel who’s been around since the dawn of time, who has seen civilizations start and fall, who watched all human tragedies possible and died billion fucking times? Wanna know the one thing that hurt him the most?” Dean almost yelled out.

Sam didn’t move. Didn’t say anything.

“Me,” Dean said, “Me making him leave the bunker the first time he was human,”

Silence filled the kitchen. Both brothers left their food unattended and looked anywhere but into each other’s eyes. Dean messed with the skin on his hands, opening up old tiny cuts, lips pressed into a thin line.

“What’s his happiest memory though?” Sam asked eventually.

Dean didn’t want to tell him. So he didn’t.

“I’m gonna go check on Cas,” he said, leaving the room but heard Sam’s heavy sign even in the hallway.

Fighting angry tears that already formed in his eyes, Dean paced towards the infirmary, not even trying to find the words to say to Cas. What do you even say to someone after literally going through their entire mind?

Cas was sitting up on his bed when Dean walked in. He was tightly wrapped in his blanket and Dean’s heart jumped in his chest as he watched Cas rub his eyes.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean said with a smile

Am I going to act as if nothing happened?

Cas looked at him and smiled slightly

“Hello, Dean,”

Is he going to act as if nothing happened?

Dean approached Cas and sat down on the edge of his bed

“How are you feeling?” he asked

“Alright,” Cas said and yawned, “Weirdly tired,” he added through the yawn

“Nothing weird about it, pal,” Dean said, patting his shoulder

“Are you okay?"

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Cas nodded and...that was about it. Neither knew what to say next and Dean’s jumping heart dreamed about the freedom and comfort it felt in the last memory they watched. There was nothing left of that feeling in the real world. Dean felt anxious and awkward, not knowing what to do with his hands or where to look. 

“Uhm, you hungry?” Dean asked because apparently he turns into a servant when he’s nervous, “Sam brought burgers,”

“Sure,” 

Cas was unstable on his feet and Dean stayed as closely as he could when they walked to the kitchen. Sam was still there too and his face lit up when he saw Cas.

“Hey, you’re up!”

“Hello, Sam,” Cas said and Sam went straight for a hug. Cas sighed fondly and closed his eyes when they embraced. Dean stood by, silently watching them and cursing himself for not doing the same thing back in the infirmary.

“Man, you really scared us there,” Sam said as he let go of Cas

“I’m glad it’s over,” Cas said. Sam nodded and put his hand on Cas’s shoulder, leading him to the table. Dean followed them, though he had nothing to do there.

Sam heated up a burger for Cas and some of the fries Dean didn’t eat. Cas thanked him and Sam smiled, saying that it’s not a big deal and he’s just happy he’s okay and overall not being completely useless, unlike Dean.

Still, Cas ate in silence.

Sam didn’t disturb him with questions and neither did Dean. Most of the time, Sam just stared at his brother, either replaying the conversation they just had, or expecting Dean to say something. He didn’t. 

“Thank you,” Cas said again once his meal was finished. He got up and picked up his plate, but Dean took it from him.

“I got it,” he said, putting it into the sink, “You,uhm, you should rest some more,”

Dean turned to the sink, but felt Cas’s gaze on him. Dean tried to smile at Cas, to somehow ease the tension, but it barely worked.

“Alright,” Cas said then, “Thanks,” he walked away, hopefully towards his room and two brothers were left alone once again.

“You’re gonna say anything to him?” Sam asked as Dean washed the dishes

“The hell am I supposed to say?” Dean answered and secretly hoped Sam would actually tell him what to say.

“Right,” Sam muttered, “Well, good luck with...whatever,” he turned around and left. Running water was the only sound interrupting the silence and it sounded awfully similar to the way blood flooded the hallway of Cas’s mind.

Dean turned the water off.

“Helpful,” he whispered to the empty kitchen.

Dean cleaned the whole kitchen, washing and drying the dishes, randomly deciding to also reorganize the cabinet as he was meaning to do for weeks now, even wiped the floors. And still, it all took only one pathetic hour and didn’t take his mind off of...whatever.

An interesting thing about living in an underground bunker is that you never know what time it is simply by looking out of the windows and Dean was rather shocked to see 4 am on the clock when he was done with the kitchen.

He spent almost 24 hours awake, yet going to sleep now seemed like a ridiculous idea and he didn’t feel sleepy at all.

 Dean went to his room with an intention to at least change and then maybe watch something...or purposelessly stare at the ceiling, that could work too. But before that he decided to check on Cas, just to see if he was alright.

Carefully Dean knocked on Cas’s door and waited, but heard no sound coming from it. No gruffy “come in”, no ruffling of the bedsheets, no snoring. Dean knocked again, this time louder, but got the same reaction.

“Cas, it’s me,” he called out, “Just checking in,” Dean waited some more, but the absolute silence was quick to increase his heart rate and he couldn’t stop himself from opening Cas’s door and rushing in.

Into his empty room.

Dean went on to check the library, the bathrooms, even Sam’s room, Cas was nowhere to be seen. 

“Dean, I haven’t seen him since the kitchen,” Sam said when Dean asked him about Cas. He tried to do it as nonchalantly as possible, not giving away how freaked out he was, “You checked all the rooms?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “D’you think he left?” Dean asked, hiding his eyes

“No,” Sam replied, “ No, why on Earth would he...you two didn’t fight, did you?”

“No,” Dean said, “We barely talked since he woke up, I don’t-”

“Alright, Dean, calm down,” Sam placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder, “You go check outside, I’ll check the garage,”

What if he took one of the cars?

Smart Sammy

“Yeah, alright. Do that,” Dean walked out of Sam’s room before his panic could catch up to him. He went straight for the exit, calling Cas’s name as he moved through the bunker.  

Cas wouldn’t leave like that, right?

He has no reason to

They’re fine, finally, they’re fine, he wouldn’t leave.

And yeah he was embarrassed that Dean saw all those memories, but he’ll get over it.

Right?

And yes, as an angel he loved to just flee from uncomfortable situations, but now he knows that you just don’t do that to people and he knows how much Dean would worry and they’re finally fine no he wouldn’t leave he wouldn’t there is no way he wouldn’t

“Dean?”

The Winchester breathed out, finally , when he saw Cas sitting on the bench, near the bunker’s entrance.

“Everything alright?” Cas asked 

“Yeah, I...everything’s fine,” Dean said and Cas nodded, still looking concerned, “What are you doing here?”

“Nothing,” Cas said, “Watching the sunrise?” he offered. Dean nodded and looked into the horizon too. It was beautiful.

Cas moved on his bench, leaving space for Dean, silently inviting him. Hesitantly, Dean took the seat.

The bench was small, but enough for two people. They only put it there only a few weeks ago, when Cas started expressing his appreciation for sunsets and sunrises. Dean actually made the bench himself - with the help of many and many YouTube videos on carpenting and a lot of innocent wood completely ruined, but Cas’s smile was worth the effort.

For a while the two of them didn’t talk, though Dean felt the tension unsaid words created. Or more like unprocessed emotions that wouldn’t form into words properly.

He just watched the sunrise, trying to convince himself that everything really was okay and they could live through this without any changes. Cas was safe and it was enough. Cas was here and it was enough. Cas was his friend and it was enough.

It had to be enough.

“I want to tell you something, but if you’d rather prefer we didn’t discuss what happened, it’s okay too,” Cas said suddenly, almost startling Dean, but it was actually relieving to hear his voice.

“No, tell me,” Dean looked at Cas, who seemed to be building up courage to say whatever it was he wanted.

“I wanted to say that I have forgiven you a very long time ago,” Cas said and Dean wasn’t sure what exactly he meant, “For making me leave. I know you had your reasons and I understand them,” Cas went on and Dean closed his eyes.

Not that.

“Back there you said you’re not asking for my forgiveness and you will never forgive yourself. I heard that,” Dean shook his head slightly. For some reason he dared to hope that that whole episode would be erased from Cas’s memory, “You should forgive yourself. Because I have,”

“I don’t think you should,” Dean said

“Well, it’s my decision to make,” Cas answered, “I’m not even sure why the curse showed that memory as the worst, I...I’m over it now,”

Dean looked at Cas and thought about the heartbreak he endured that day, the heartbreak Dean got to feel too. You don’t get over stuff like that, even if you forgive the other person.

“I need to tell you something too,” Dean said and Cas turned to him, “I didn’t just watch all those memories, I also...the curse made me feel everything you were feeling and thinking at the moment,” 

A shade of fear and shock creeped on Cas’s face, but he quickly got a hold of himself. He cleared his throat and looked down.

“I see,” he said

“Cas, I know you don’t like it and I get it, trust me. I’d rather die than let anyone get into my head like that-”

“Then stop talking about it,” Cas said and this time he sounded angry. It surprised Dean, but he needed to say what was on his mind. It was a now or never type of situation.

“You gotta hear me out first, man,” Dean said. Cas didn’t look at him, but didn’t stop him either, “I just...I’m really fucking sorry about all of that. Every one of those memories I was in,”

“I already told you, Dean, I have forgiven you. Not just for that one, for every single one. I don’t hold anything against you,” Cas said

“Of course you don’t,” Dean muttered under his breath, “But they still hurt you,”

“Dean, it was a curse designed to make me lose my sanity,” Cas cut him off, “It took all fears and negative thoughts I ever had and threw them in my face. It was hard at the moment, but I’m fine. You have nothing to apologize for,”

Dean thought he was going to lose his sanity if Cas keeps saying that

“But those thoughts and fears don’t come from nothing, right?” he tried again and Cas sighed

“Dean, it’s all-”

“Jesus Christ, will you just let me finish?” Dean clasped his hand over Cas’s mouth. A bit extreme but it worked, “This is hard for me, man, if you keep interrupting I’ll never say what I need to say. And I need to say it,” wide eyed, Cas nodded. Dean took his hand away.

“I just...fuck,” he sighed, frustrated and rubbed his hand over his face. Now that Cas gave him his full attention and stared at him as intensely as he often does, it became so much harder to find the words. Still, he felt such an intense need to say it all to Cas. Whatever it was, physical and emotional exhaustion, Dean’s discovery of Cas’s ability to feel and feel so fully and selflessly, or just this selfish need to apologize, to somehow make it all better, Dean had to say it. Say it all. 

“I’ve been a bad friend to you,” Dean started and Cas already opened his mouth to resist, but Dean raised his finger and Cas stopped.

Are we in kindergarten, what the hell

“I have been a bad friend and I know it,” Dean continued, “And I can find a million excuses, but that’s all they are. Excuses,” Dean didn’t dare to look at Cas. He stared at the ground and just let his mouth say all cringy touchy feely bullshit his sleep deprived brain thought of, “You really do deserve fucking better and sometimes I wonder why you stick with us, but dude, if you left, I…,” he shook his head not wanting to finish that thought, “You somehow see good in me and that’s fucking incredible. And I wanted to say thank you for that,” Dean finally looked up, meeting Cas’s eyes, seeing a shy smile on his lips, “And I wanted to say sorry for ever making you feel like you don’t belong or that this isn’t your home,” he nodded at the bunker, “We will always be your family. And you’ll always be mine,” he said and the alarm went off in Dean’s head, “Ours. Our. Our family. You’ll always be our family,”

Shit shit shit

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and already started regretting all of this because wow that was a lot and dangerously close to the things that he definitely should not say outloud to Cas.

“So yeah,” Dean said, moving slightly away on that tiny ass bench and coming up with an escape plan, “That’s what I wanted to say,”

In a second Dean was wrapped in the warmest, sweetest hug he’s ever experienced.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said into his shoulder. Dean sighed in relief and hugged Cas back, pulling him even closer and hiding his face in his neck.

Cas smelled really nice.

“Sure, Cas,” Dean didn’t want to let go at all, but there’s only so long a hug can last between two buddies before it becomes awkward, and Dean had enough awkwardness for a lifetime that day. Slowly they both let go of each other, but Cas kept his hand on Dean’s forearm and his eyes were red again.

But the smile on his lips was happy and that was enough.

Dean couldn’t look away, really. The way the sunrise painted Cas’s skin in all the warmest colors, the way his eyes shined with tears and happiness and it was so close to what he saw and felt in Cas’s happiest memory. 

That light feeling as if anything is possible and attainable was also there. At least almost.

And they were awfully, awfully close to each other.

Dean learned a few things about Cas since he became human again and permanently moved into the bunker. Some of them he already suspected - Cas doesn’t understand or accept a need for a human to have a more or less stable sleep schedule and therefore he’s impossible in the mornings. 

Other things, like the fact that his hair is naturally curly and grows exceptionally fast, was completely new to Dean.

And right now, as he watched a lock of Cas’s curls fall into his eyes, it was the most incredible thing.

“Your hair is getting long,” Dean whispered, scared to break the moment and somehow got the nerve to reach out and tuck the curl behind Cas’s ear.

His hair was really, really soft.

Maybe Sam’s shampoo was actually worth the $15 he paid for it.

“Your hair is getting gray,” Cas said in response and ran his finger through Dean’s in fact graying hair, but the reminder of his age didn’t make Dean mad. He chuckled and nodded.

“So is yours, old man,” Cas smiled again, even bigger and damn it was beautiful. Dean needed to immediately stop staring at his mouth, he needed to move away and shit he needed to tell Sam that Cas was fine.

“Oh, fuck,” Dean got up and pulled out his phone

“What? What’s wrong?” Cas asked

“Ugh, nothing,” Dean dialed Sam’s number, “Sam kinda freaked out when we couldn’t find you in the bunker and I forgot to tell him I found you,”

“Oh,” Cas reacted. Right. Sam freaked out .

Sam picked up after a few dials. Dean took a few steps away to talk to his brother

“Hey, Sam, just wanted to say that I found Cas and he’s fine,”

“Yeah, Dean, I know,” Sam said

“What? How?”

“Well, when you went outside and didn’t return I went to check myself and saw you guys snuggling,”

“What? That’s not...what? We’re not..we weren’t...snug...what? Shut up, Sam,” Dean looked back at Cas a couple times to make sure he remained oblivious to his brother’s nonsense.

“Yeah right,” Sam scoffed, “Don’t wanna push my luck here, but you guys talked , right?”

Dean was confused

“Well, yeah,”

“As in about your feelings?” Sam was careful with every word and that only pissed Dean off

“None of your business, but kinda?”

“So you didn’t,”

“What the hell are you even talking about, Sam?” Dean asked and saw Cas approaching him

“Is everything alright?” Cas asked because this phone call took way longer than letting your brother know that your best friend didn’t flee on you should. And yes, the moment was completely ruined, Dean felt anxious and awkward again.

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s great,” Dean said while Sam went on about some bullshit like feelings and attachment and whatever the fuck, “Sam, gotta go,” Dean hang up on him midsentence, “He was worried,” Dean laughed humorlessly at the phone and hid it in his pocket.

“I apologise for making you-,” Cas stopped himself, “ Sam worry,”

“He’ll be fine,” Dean said with a smile.

Sun was almost all the way up by now, but the weather was just perfect. Dean didn’t want to get inside and he didn’t want to end the conversation they were having before, though had no idea how to get back to it.

Cas seemed to be going through a similar dilemma. 

So they just stood there, watching the world wake up, shoulder to shoulder with their hands brushing each time one of them took a breath. Dean certainly had difficulties with that. 

For how long will he be able to stretch that moment until it loses its charm? Standing there, barely breathing, silently begging Cas to be enjoying this as much as he is? Soon the sun will rise completely and all their excuses to stay there will be gone, they’ll have to get inside and look for more cases, for more trouble and Dean will probably have to ask Cas not to go to the next hunt because he should spend some time resting and recovering and Cas will get mad at him and they’ll fight and god how Dean hates it when they fight.

“Thank you for saving me, Dean,” Cas said casually while Dean’s thoughts pulled into a tornado of worries, “I’d never break free of that curse on my own,”

“Of course, Cas,” Dean said. Cas smiled at him and turned back to the view.

Your turn to say something, idiot, Dean thought to himself and unfortunately he did have a question he wanted to ask Cas, but it seemed too risky. The last thing Dean wanted was to upset or embarrass Cas, but he knew that if he didn’t ask this question, he’d regret it forever. So with a heavy sigh, Dean turned to Cas.

“Now that you brought that up, I gotta ask you something,” Dean started. Cas raised his eyebrow expectantly, “That one memory. Of us. In the diner. What did it even mean?”

Cas turned away from him immediately, no sight of that relaxed happy smile.

“Nothing important,” Cas’s voice was dry and cold again and Dean thought he might have already fucked everything up.

“If the curse showed it to us, then it is important,” he tried carefully. Cas’s expression didn’t change, but the tips of his ears reddened. It was kinda cute.

Cas sighed and looked down.

“You just told me you felt everything I felt,” he said, defeated, “Then you know,”

“I-,” now Dean full on regretted bringing that up. He had a theory on what that memory could mean, but that theory seemed too good to be true and Dean disregarded it as wishful thinking, “I’m not sure I do,” he said

“What did you feel?” Cas asked and that question felt like it came straight from Dean’s nightmare. 

“Uhm, I’m not sure. Something...negative?” Dean said and Cas rolled his eyes, “I don’t know, you were upset I guess?”

“Dean, if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, why’d you bring it up?”

“Because I want to know why you were upset!”

“You were in my head, you already know!” Cas said. Dean had to hold back a frustrated grunt

“Alright!” Dean said, “So you were upset because I left you alone in that diner? I mean, yeah, it’s a dick move I get it now,” Cas scoffed.

“Yeah, Dean, you got it,” he said, clearly sarcastically

His mind kept jumping around that theory, that one feeling Dean was pretty sure he felt in that diner, but saying it outloud seemed ridiculous, especially implying that it was something Cas felt towards Dean .

Still, he started this conversation, so might as well.

“Were you jealous?” Dean blurted out with his eyes closed before he could rethink it

“Jealous? No,” Cas replied right away and wow that kinda hurt

Why the hell would that hurt, lower your expectations, Winchester.

“I didn’t have any right, nor do I now, to feel any jealousy. You are free to do whatever you want, Dean. And be with whomever you want,” Cas said and there was no sarcasm in his voice, though Dean almost wished there was some. 

“Well, that’s kinda how it felt. Like jealousy,” Dean said

“You misinterpreted my feelings then,” Cas answered and now Dean scoffed

“Well, you won’t interpret them for me, so I do what I can,” 

“Good,”

Now Dean was beyond frustrated 

And then his brain kinda clicked

“Hold on,” he said, “What does it even mean,’ you don’t have any right to be jealous’? So you were?” Dean asked, air quotes and all. Cas frowned for a second, visibly nervous.

“I meant, why would I be jealous?” he said

“That’s not what you said though,”

“Yes, it is,”

“No, it’s not,”

“That’s what I meant,” Cas looked Dean in the eyes with persistence

“Why didn’t you say that then?” Dean replied

“Why do you care?”

“Why did you care that I left with a waitress that day?” Dean asked and Cas said nothing. 

“Why did I care?” Cas’s voice was harsh now, his gaze intense. Dean wanted to look away, but didn’t.

“Yeah,” he said. Cas just stared at him until suddenly his eyes softened and he looked away with a sigh.

“You know why,” he said softly

“I don’t,” Dean answered, but some part of him did know. Some part of him always knew.

“Yes, Dean, you do. You know,” Cas said and he sounded hurt now. He looked up into the horizon once again and took a step towards the bunker. 

“Okay, hold on now,” Dean grabbed Cas by the elbow, “We’re talking,”

“I don’t want to talk about this,”

“Why the hell not? And what even is "this"?”

“You know!” Cas raised his voice

“No, I fucking don’t! I don’t know anything, tell me!” Cas sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. He looked around himself, as if looking for help, but there was no one near, just the two of them and a ton shit of unsaid bullshit that started overflowing. Cas sat down on the bench, elbows on his knees.

“I was jealous,” he said, “But it wasn’t...it wasn’t a new thing, I don’t know why the curse even showed that memory, probably to embarrass me because it knew you were also watching,” Cas was messing with his nails while talking. A bad habit he learned from Dean, “But I meant what I said. I don’t have a right to be jealous and there’s no reason for me to be. Human emotions are irrational, unfortunately,”

Dean listened to Cas and couldn’t really register what he was saying, so he had no idea what to respond. Cas didn’t look like he expected an answer though.

“What do you mean not a new thing?”

“I...that feeling comes every time I see you with someone else,” Cas admitted. Dean’s heart was jumping in his chest, “And now that I’m human again, it’s so much worse. And I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter and that your happiness is the only important thing and it’s true, “ Cas looked up in the end of that sentence, as if to be more convincing, “I want you to be happy, whatever that means to you, but...humanity made me selfish,” he said and looked away again, “I wasn’t going to tell you any of this, of course, but now that you saw all that...it’s probably useless to keep it away from you,”

Dean stood there, in front of Cas, with his heart going insane in his chest.

Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

Cas was bright red by now, stubborn in his decision not to look Dean in the eye. He tapped his foot and kept picking on his nails with intensity that was almost concerning.

“Stop that,” Dean said, sitting down next to him and taking his hand into his. Cas took it away as quickly, forming fists on his lap.

“Can you just...pretend nothing happened? The curse and everything I just said?” Cas asked and man he looked sad. Dean wanted to bring back the smile that shined on his face just a few minutes ago. He wanted it to never leave his face.

“I don’t think I can, Cas,” he said. Cas squeezed his fists tighter

“Nothing has to change,” he said

“I think it does,” Dean sighed and now he wanted to smile. It was weird of him, really, Cas was on the verge of tears and Dean himself had no idea how to change this situation around and form his own feelings into words, but he knew he would.

“I wonder what memory the curse would show you, if you were the one saving me,” Dean started and for some reason he didn’t feel nervous at all, “Especially if it wanted me to feel embarrassed or something,”

“What?” Dean completely ignored Cas’s question

“Probably the time you told me you had sex with April. Or that Hannah kissed you. Or that you got married, twice! I mean, you’re still technically married to that djinn queen, aren’t you?”

Cas stared at him, bewildered

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m just saying, if the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t confuse my jealousy for anything else,” Dean said and shit admitting that outloud felt nice. It was also fucking terrifying, especially because Cas didn’t say anything in response for some time

“Your je- what?” Dean couldn’t hold back his smile now, “Dean, what are you talking about?”

“You know what,” Dean said with a smirk. 

“I don’t-...that’s my phrase,” Cas said

“Frustrating, isn’t it?”

“I...I am so confused,” Dean chuckled and took Cas’s hand into his. This time Cas let him. Let him stroke his knuckles with his thumb and watched it with fear sparkling in his eyes. But with hope too.

“Do you mean it?” Cas asked

“Of course,”

“But...why on Earth would you be jealous of me?” Cas asked, “And don’t say ‘you know why’,” Cas warned him and Dean laughed. The sound made Cas smile a little and it relaxed Dean even more.

“Because you’re you,” Dean said, “An awesome strong bad ass angel, who can be with whoever he wants, be it another angel or...a human who deserves it more,” now Dean couldn’t take Cas’s eyes on him. He looked down at their joined hands and the way Cas softly squeezed his gave him comfort

“Dean,” Cas breathed out, “I’m not an angel anymore,”

“As if that changes anything,” Dean said, “Angel or human, you’re still awesome and I still don’t deserve you,” Dean’s smile was sad, but sincere. He looked up and Cas’s face was so close, he saw every tiny scar, every laugh line. It took Dean’s breath away.

“Never say that again,” Cas whispered and Dean felt his breath on his skin. They were getting closer and closer to each other, until their foreheads touched. Dean closed his eyes and squeezed Cas’s hand. He let out a shaky breath that tickled Cas’s skin. The closeness wasn’t scary, despite how nervous he was. It was new and pleasant and just awesome. 

All Dean could think about was how close Cas’s lips were and how one head tilt would be enough to kiss them, but no. He should say it first. He has to say it.

“Cas?” Dean called out, voice incredibly quiet. 

“Yes, Dean?”

Dean opened his eyes and moved just a tiny bit away, so that Cas’s face would be in focus again. 

He can say it. He can.

“In case it’s not clear by now...” he started and yes there he goes he can say it he can.

“Yes?”

“I...I…,” oh shit it was hard, “You know, I…”

“Dean, you don’t have to say it,” Cas said because of course he did. Of course he would wait for Dean to grow a pair and admit what he was feeling even if it took another 12 years, “It’s okay,”

“No, stop” once again Dean clasped his hand over Cas’s mouth, “I’ll say it,” this time Cas just rolled his eyes.

“Today fucking sucked and going through your worst memories like that was fucking scary and hard, but I’d do it again, for you. I’d do anything. And I’ll try to be better, I swear, I’ll try to be a person who deserves you, but man, you gotta know,” Dean said and took a deep breath, “I love you. I have for so long and fuck it feels good to say it,” Dean sighed. Cas’s eyes softened, but Dean still wouldn’t let him speak, “I really do. I love you,”

Slowly, Dean took his hand away from Cas’s mouth. He smiled and his eyes were full of tears. Dean’s were probably too. He wouldn’t know.

“Dean, by now you must know how much I love you,” Cas said and Dean’s stomach dropped. Yeah he probably knew. Somewhere deep in his subconsciousness, some part of him knew that you don’t give up heaven and don’t go against god for just a close friend. But hearing it like that? Hearing Cas actually say it? It was surreal.

Dean chuckled in disbelief.

“I do now,” he said

“Good,” Cas answered. They stared into each other’s eyes until Dean couldn’t take it anymore and his eyes dropped on Cas’s mouth, on his beautiful lips.

I can kiss him now, he thought, he probably wants me to kiss him.

Should I ask? Should I just go for it?

I should probably ask but what if it ruins the mood and I think I’m about to cry, what if-

Dean’s train of thoughts was cut off by a sensation he’s never felt before. It was soft and hot and cold at the same time. Cas’s lips tasted like heaven. They were better than heaven.

Dean relaxed almost immediately and kissed Cas back with all he had. With all the love that he kept a secret, with every tear he shed when Cas was gone or away or hated him (he never did, but Dean was good at convincing himself). 

The kiss was slow and awkward, but it was perfect. Dean didn’t want it to end. Ever.

His hands shaked slightly as he raised them to cup Cas’s face. His skin was soft and warm. Dean tried to remember every little thing about this moment.

And then Cas’s fingers were in his hair and Dean’s brain just shut down.

Eventually they had to pull away or both of them would suffocate, but then again Dean really wouldn’t mind to meet his end like that. Still, even when they weren’t kissing, Dean kept Cas as close to himself as he could.

He breathed heavily with his eyes closed and his hands still cupping Cas’s face. 

“Wow,” he said, “That witch should have cursed you years ago,” Dean joked, really hoping that Cas would get that it was a joke and laugh. And he did. Freely and joyfully and damn that was the best sound Dean’s ever heard.

They kissed again.

And again.

Kisses bled one into another and soon Dean lost count, lost all connection to the reality and all that existed was Cas and his lips and his fingers in Dean’s hair and the way he moaned against his mouth, the way they whispered ‘i love you’s to each other over and over again and it wasn’t awkward anymore, it wasn’t weird, it was just incredible. Incredibly right.

Dean pulled away, leaving Cas gasping. With his hands still on Cas’s face he said:

“I’ll make sure to give you a new happiest memory. A better one,”

“You already have,” Cas said and pulled Dean in for another kiss.