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Killua forced his voice to keep its uninterested mask, not allowing his brother the satisfaction of hearing his fear. “What do you want, Illumi?” He no longer referred to the man as his Big Brother, no longer deserving of that title.
Though his voice was even, unphased, there was a cruel smirk on his face, “Oh it’s not what I want, but what Mother wants,” his lips only twisted up further at the slight widening of Killua’s eyes. “She told me to recite you the note.” The boy did not have enough time to wonder what ‘ the note’ could be before Illumi was speaking again. “ Why wasn’t I enough to come back for? ” Illumi’s cold voice did nothing but amplify the harshness of the words.
Eight words, just eight words and it stopped Killua’s entire world.
The Zoldyck did not have to inquire who the note was from, already knowing. “What’d he do?” He gritted his teeth as his voice wavered ever so subtly.
Illumi waved a flippant hand, “Don’t be an idiot, Kil. It’s obvious.” As much as Killua wanted to pretend it wasn’t, they both could read between the lines. The smirk was gone from Illumi’s face but the condescension still loud and clear. “Kalluto is dead and his blood is on your hands.” There has never been and will never be mercy between the oldest and third Zoldyck siblings. “How does it feel to be the favorite to the brother you never looked at, and the fallen favorite of our mother?” His words cut sharper than his needles ever could. “His blood is on your hands and we both know Mother will never let you forget it.”
Killua merely forced out one word, “when?”
If Illumi were a more feeling person he may have chuckled, “only yesterday, Kil. It was not difficult to find you, you should really work harder on keeping it safe.” That is what got the white haired boys hands clenched, electricity already stinging out from his body. “There is no need to fight, I was only sent to give the message. Nothing more.” His past threats still hung in the air no matter how much he assured he is not there to kill Alluka. Not this time, at least.
That time when Killua breathed out the single word question, Illumi turned on his heel. “What’s it matter how Kalluto died when the fault is on you either way?” It was not really a question, as Illumi made his departure the second the words left his mouth. Killua watched him leave before turning and sprinting across the rooftop to the stairway door. He was moving so fast he did not even need Godspeed to reach his shared apartment with his friends.
Leorio and Kurapika sat much too close to be platonic on the couch, but Killua paid them no mind. He first went to Alluka’s room, meeting her sleeping form with a sigh. Then he did the same with Gon, only letting out his held breath upon seeing him safe and sound. Instead of going to join his best friend in their bunk bed, he slipped out of their bedroom and entered the bathroom.
Only behind the locked door did he let himself collapse.
He did not bother to hide in the shower like he used to when the friends all moved into the apartment, knowing no one would break down the door no matter how loud he cried. Though, he still covered his mouth with his sharpened fingers, refusing to wake Alluka who slept in only the next room over. She couldn’t know, not yet.
Eight words and Killua was going through every action he’s taken in the last few years.
He bit back a whimper, as if Illumi would be able to sense his weakness from wherever he was hidden. He was always there, lurking, waiting. But then again, so had Kalluto. Not lurking, not hidden, but waiting in plain sight for Killua to finally look at him. To finally see him. The boy had never even spared his brother enough thought to hurt him. The first time he left home was after stabbing Milluki and Mother, even though Kalluto was right there ready to be hit. And that must have hurt much worse than any stabbing could.
Tears dripped down more with each blinking of his eyelids, soaking his hand. But as red as he knew he was, it wasn’t blood wetting his palm. Yet. He pressed his lips harshly between his teeth, leaving no room for pathetic whines to escape his mouth. He had come home only to be sought out by friends Kalluto never had the chance to make. Gon mentioned once about seeing a little… sister? he had guessed incorrectly but not stupidly. But with Alluka and Nanika still imprisoned at the time, that only left the kimono cladded Kalluto for Gon to have seen.
Blood dripped down his chin, staining his ashen skin, but he only chewed his lips harder. Killua swore with this very same blood to never betray his friends, and that had never applied to his siblings. Well, the notion stood for Alluka. But never for his youngest sibling.
He used his only metaphorically red hand to reach up, pulling at his hair, as if that would alert him of any needles in his head. No matter how much he pulled, even if he dug around his entire brain he no longer had the excuse of the needle for never coming back for Kalluto, as he came home for Alluka. The moment the needle was rid from his body, his mind went to his little sister. The child he must protect, the vulnerable sibling being abused, neglected. And he never once spared a single thought towards his youngest brother, the boy who was always right there but never within Killua’s gaze.
And now, now it’s too late.
The boy now used both hands, staining his white hair with his blood as he did his skin, yanking and ripping at his scalp. He refused to let out whimpers of pain even as tears poured from his eyes as they must have poured from Kalluto’s. As cruel and twisted Illumi is, he would not lie about this. He may play tricks and fib to get what he wants, but what reason has he to lie about their baby brother’s death? His suicide?
If Kalluto’s life was never enough to return for before, why would Illumi think his death was any more reason?
Even through the panicked heaving of his chest and the reddened eyes, he knew the note could very well be a lie, but that does not mean it did not bring up a valid point. That Killua did indeed abandon his only younger brother and leave him behind a plethora of times. He had ample opportunity to save him, as he did Alluka and Nanika. It is not as if he was locked in a basement, no he stood idly by waiting for his chance to be seen.
With no one around to hear, Killua choked out, “why?” And the only answer was more of his fruitless cries. “ Why? ” He demanded, not knowing if he was asking himself or his little brother. Could Kalluto listen wherever he was?
Why would Kalluto wait for a rescue when he could run away just as well as Killua did? Why would he only call out Killua when he’s only a single member of the family to hurt him? Why would he kill himself when Killua did not even know he needed saving? Why would Illumi come to gloat over their baby brother's demise? Why would he leave like that? Why would Kalluto pin all his hope on Killua?
Killua may be the heir but it is not as if they were childhood playmates, that he had any fond memories to hold onto. Perhaps that is the problem, there is nothing to hold onto but the idea of Killua. The Killua that was chosen to be the favorite even before Kalluto was born. The Killua who spent his childhood with their only sister, even when she was locked away, than his little brother who was right there. The Killua who returned and returned home again, but never for him. With not even a single fleeting thought to the youngest Zoldyck.
Killua never stabbed Kalluto, and he was never the one to punish him, even if he held that right as an older brother. He never spared enough care to punish him. The duty fell on their mother and Milluki, Illumi too preoccupied with Killua to care for their little sibling either. Killua never hurt Kalluto, and maybe that is what made him suffer the most. Pain is attention, abuse is attention, neglect is just cruelty. Kalluto may be the quietest of the siblings but he was always just as desperate for someone to look his way. He was cursed to be isolated even when he wasn’t the Zoldyck locked in a basement.
Killua choked out a sob, his first tears ever shed over Kalluto , his mind supplied cruelly. He covered his mouth yet again, not wanting to call attention to his weakness. How could he tell anyone, let alone Alluka that their brother killed himself? That it’s Killua’s fault?
Could she in her pure heartedness resent Killua too, for picking favorites and leaving the others behind in the dust? Even a girl as sweet as Alluka never showed care towards the oldest brothers of the house, but a younger sibling is always a special thing. Had she ever played with Kalluto growing up? Had she had the chance before she was locked away for an intended eternity?
Killua could not and would not ask. The guilt is for him to bear, the blood is on his hands, as Illumi made so painfully clear. This is not a burden Alluka deserves to carry.
The boy knew who was approaching his refuge even before the gentle knock on the door. “Killua, we’re here if you need anything,” Kurapika told him softly. Much too soft for a member of the mafia, but at this point he’s used to his doting. The boy made no effort to respond, knowing he didn't need to. “Leorio is already making hot chocolate, I’ll let you know when it’s ready.” The doctor no longer had to be asked, or rather demanded, to make the sweet drink. He already knows on nights like this, of locked doors, quiet gasps, and muffled sobs, the only way to get Killua out of the restroom is with a bribe.
Too many nights spent going to the nearby dollar store to use their bathroom when Killua wouldn’t open the door for even a moment for them to not be willing to make gallons of hot chocolate at a moments notice.
Quiet feet padded away, to the kitchen no doubt, as Killua continued his choked off whimpers and silent whines.
It stayed like that until Leorio’s heavy footsteps crashed along the hallway. “Kid, the drink is ready, come get it before it becomes cold chocolate.” If Killua were not so upset he would have rolled his eyes at the idiotic joke. With that the doctor retreated, knowing Killua would not emerge from his hiding place with the man lurking just outside.
Standing up on embarrassingly wobbly legs, he splashed water on his face from the sink using much more aggression than necessary. He may or may not have scrubbed the blood from his skin until it was angry and protesting. He didn’t bother properly looking in the mirror, knowing far too well he could not will his face to be less red and puffy. Exiting the bathroom, hands stuffed in his pockets, he meandered to the kitchen.
Knowing he will not talk until ready, Leorio simply greeted him with a smile, sliding him a mug piled high with both marshmallows and whip cream. Kurapika matched his husband’s grin, though kept his eyes trained on the book in his lap where he sat cross legged on the counter. Killua hopped up on the counter, near the Kurta but not necessarily next to him, taking a sip of hot chocolate despite how raw his lips were. Leorio stayed standing in his spot leaning against the fridge, seemingly mesmerized by the swirl of melting whip cream in his drink.
Killua was not sure whether it was the anger at himself looking for punishment or the mourning in him looking for someone to grieve with that he suddenly blurted out, “my little brother killed himself.”
Both men stared at him, mouths agape. Leorio parted and closed his lips, floundering for the right things to say, while Kurapika, eyes tainted pink, stared at him hard. It was the Kurta to break the tension first, “it is not your fault.” That is what got the boy to slam his mug down on the counter, hot chocolate splashing both on him and on the surrounding area. He relished in the burn.
Voice hard but eyes watery, “you can’t say that!” He shouted. “It is my fault, Pika! Illumi said-”
That is when Leorio spoke up, cutting off the Zoldyck. “When the fuck did Illumi talk to you?” He did not wait for an answer, “I swear to god if he came near you I’ll tear him apart myself, that little-” he himself was cut off by his husbands even voice, telling him that now is not the time.
As entertaining as Leorio’s rage is, Killua could not help but agree. He still had a bone to pick with the red eyed man, “Illumi said Kalluto’s blood is on my hands,” as much as he knew he should stay silent, continue brooding in his own mind, he could not help but give more reasons to be hated. “I wasn’t there for him, I came home and I never even looked at him. I saved Alluka and I never even thought to save Kalluto!” Heaving chest, eyes dripping, with desperation flooding through his words.
Neither man had a chance to answer before a small voice sounded behind Killua, “big brother?” Voice soft and hesitant, “what’s wrong?” The boy in question immediately whipped around, eyes softening upon seeing his little sister. Stepping forward, despite the hot chocolate staining his clothes, he pulled her into a hug. Though she returned the embrace, she repeated, “what’s wrong? I heard you mention little brother.”
A shaky breath later, Killua pressed a kiss to her head. “Illumi told me some news about Kalluto.” Leorio and Kurapika stayed silent, waiting to see how he’d handle this delicate situation. As many breaths as he took, he could not even his voice, “Kalluto is gone, ‘lluka.”
She was shaking her head before he even finished the sentence, little whimpers of “no, no, no,” leaving her mouth. He held her tighter, but she no longer embraced him back. Head down, she quieted her pleas. When she raised her head again, it was no longer Alluka looking at Killua.
“Bring him back,” Nanika’s eyes were filled with tears despite how strong her voice was. Now it was Killua’s turn to shake his head, but Nanika kept talking. “Wish, Killua. Wish for Kalluto,” even with her cries her voice was much more demanding than her compliant nature usually allowed. At least, her compliancy with her big brother.
Voice as ragged and harsh as his breathing “No!” It softened as her seemingly glitching eyes distorted more, “no, Nanika. It’s too late, and even if it wasn’t… you can’t. You can’t bring him back, he’s dead,” his voice cracked on the last word. Leorio and Kurapika could only watch with tears of their own as Killua cried. “He killed himself, he’s gone,” he’s always been harsher with Nanika than Alluka but this… no one foresaw the truth coming out so quickly.
Nanika’s eyes wobbled and shook, fat tears pouring down her face, “no, no Killua. Not gone, no.” All the brother could do was hold her as she refused to acknowledge the suicide. He did not let go even as Gon’s hesitant voice sounded, he did not need to as the husband's took care of the boy. No doubt explaining, at least to some extent, what happened.
“Kalluto is gone… and it’s my fault.”