Chapter Text
The rain was coming down so hard that Neji couldn't hear himself think.
Naruto was staring at him with wide eyes, like he was in shell shock. Blue eyes filled with grief. Sakura was talking, but he couldn't hear her. He couldn't hear anything except static buzzing through his head. Sakura was crying, and Naruto wasn't. Sakura was trying to explain it, standing in the forest.
Shino and Kiba were behind Neji, reacting to what Sakura said. Neji didn't hear her, but he knew it, somehow. They didn't come back with Hinata, and Naruto looked like he was going to pass out. And Sakura was crying, of course. She was looking at him, waiting for a reaction, her lips moving.
She was saying something. Neji didn't care. Kiba said something. Sakura put hands on his shoulders and tried to talk him back to reality.
“Neji, did you hear me?” she asked shakily. She seemed like she was worried about him. Again, he didn't care. “Hinata… Hinata’s g-gone, Neji. Can you say something? Anything?” His eyes moved to Naruto’s. Haunted eyes, eyes that had seen everything.
He couldn't take it anymore. Something snapped. Neji shoved Sakura off of him and went straight for Naruto. He grabbed him by the collar of his vest, slammed him against the rocks behind them. Where there had been no sound, there suddenly was again, all at once.
He could hear Sakura shouting, could hear Sasuke growling. Kiba tried to say something to calm him down. He still couldn't bring himself to care.
“Why?” he demanded. Naruto stared at him. He blinked. Once, twice.
“I… we didn't know,” Naruto rasped. “We- We didn't know that… we got ambushed by m-missing-nin, Neji. We didn't- I couldn't… we didn't think-”
“You didn't think?” Neji hissed. “You can save the motherfucking world but you can't save your own wife ?” It felt like such a weird thing to say. Wife. Hinata had married Naruto, Neji knew that. He was at the wedding. They were young, but Hinata didn't care.
She was so happy. He had never seen her smile like that before. That's all he cared about, he cared about her being happy. Naruto was his friend, anyway. Naruto was Neji’s friend, and he was Hinata’s brother, so he was kind of like Naruto’s cousin in law or something. And now Hinata was dead. Sakura sobbed behind him.
“Neji, that's too fucking far! Let go of him!” Sasuke growled.
“I'm- I'm sorry,” Naruto whispered. “I'm sorry.”
“You don't get to be sorry,” Neji growled. “She's dead, and you're standing here in front of me. You don't- you don't get to be sorry!” Neji squeezed his eyes shut for a second, listening to his breathing.
I should have been there. Why wasn't I there? I could have saved her. I should have saved her . Naruto just apologized again, and now he was crying too. Neji dropped him, let him fall into the grass, and backed away by a few steps.
“She's dead,” he whispered. “She’s… she's really dead. No. No. It's not… that's not…” his voice trailed off. Naruto was still apologizing, curled up in the grass, Sakura was trying to comfort him. Sasuke just looked… tired. Less defensive than before. Shino and Kiba wore pained expressions. Kiba took a step towards him.
“Neji,” he said slowly. “Just… just calm down, alright? We can-”
“No!” Neji growled, whirling to face him and ducking away. His hands were shaking. When had that happened? It wasn't fair. She should be alive, more than he should. She deserved to be alive more than he did, and he knew that.
What the hell had Neji ever done that was noteworthy? He was useless. It shouldn't have been her. The only family he had that actually accepted him and she was dead. Hinata should have grown old with her obnoxious husband, she should have packed Ashina lunches and walked him to school, she should have taught their youngest child to use her Byakugan.
And now she never would, and there was nothing he could do about that.
“Neji?” Kiba asked again. Neji couldn't look at him. It hit him in the head like a wooden bat. He turned back to naruto. It should have been me. It should have been me. He met Naruto’s eyes. It should have been me. It should have been-
“It should have been you,” Neji snapped. Naruto sobbed and kept apologizing, incessant, ringing in Neji’s ears over and over. Neji wished he could do that. He wished he could curl into a ball and sob. The tears wouldn't come. All he could do was turn around and run.
And he wouldn't have done it, if he had known, but that was the trick.
He didn't know, he didn't know at all. He didn't know that his words would cause Naruto to take his children and give up on his dreams, he didn't know that he’d decide to go rogue and take the last trace of Neji's sister with him, he didn't know.
Neji didn't know he would make Naruto leave and stay gone for eleven years. Maybe he would have acted differently if he had. Maybe that was never an option.