Work Text:
Man, Aether hasn’t stepped within 40 meters of Angel’s Share and already the smell of bullshit flooded the vicinity. That’s something Lumine would say, at least.
“There aren’t many of the regulars here…” Paimon mused out loud, “Do you think Charles or Diluc had enough and closed early?” I wouldn’t be surprised.
Why were they here again? Oh right, dropping off things for Kaeya and Venti. The traveler was nice enough to wrap their flowers in bouquets. Sure it made him look like some sort of apologizing ex, but it was more convenient. Also, Venti owes him for this one because over the course of two months Aether has single-handedly picked one hundred sixty-eight Cecilias. No he’s not carrying that many at the moment, just sixty. Yes he had time to count.
‘Why would he go through so much trouble for a drunk god with no hope in responsibility?’ You may be asking. Simple. Aether wanted the bard to stop spying on him and poking at every waking moment. No seriously, it was horrifying. He’d be finding a chest in the middle of the woods and then BAM Venti’s stuck in a tree. He goes to Liyue? BAM Venti’s stuck in the mountain. He goes to Inazuma? BAM Venti’s stuck in prison. Aether bets the Electro Archon had a good laugh for that one. If she’s even capable of that.
To summarize: Venti is an annoying god and Aether’s almost glad he lost his Gnosis. Until he remembers Venti’s friend. Then he feels bad.
The Calla Lillies for Kaeya? Those were just an afterthought. Aether doesn’t wanna pick favorites buuuuuuut the Calvary Captain’s his favorite Knight of Favonius. Correction- male Knight of Favonius. His favorite woman knight is obviously Amber.
Speaking of Amber.
“Shut the front door!” Amber excitedly stood up from her seat in a flash, jumping onto Aether in no time at all, “Where’ve you been I missed you! It’s been kinda boring without you here!” She gestured towards the door, “No, really though, shut the door. We’ve got the tavern to ourselves the entire night!”
“No way.” Aether said in disbelief, “Why would Diluc ever agree to that?” Ah, speak of the devil. The red haired man was cleaning glasses, the vein about to pop in his head almost comical. The traveler walked over to sit on the stool, squinting at him, “Who are you and what have you done to Master Diluc?”
Diluc rolled his eyes, “It’s good to see you, too. As for the reason, it’s nothing of concern. Today’s just a different day.” Lies.
“AETHERRRR!” The second person to throw themselves on him, and it happens to be one of the people he’s looking for, “I was waiting for youuu! I didn’t wanna get drunk before you came, what took you so damn long?!” For some reason it was nice to hear Venti’s loud voice again
Aether laughed, “I got held up by Hilichurls on the way, sorry Venti.” That was a—
“You lie!” Venti faked a pout, crocodile tears already forming, “I saw you getting hit on by some shady woman with a Fatui mask in her pocket! I know you’re supposed to be the attractive protagonist and all that- but jeez.” The who what?
Eula sipped at her drink, sitting next to Amber now and draping an arm over her shoulders, “I hope you sent her flying back to Snezhnaya. Just a thought.” ‘Just a thought,’ she says.
“A Fatui member hit on you?” Uh oh, Diluc’s pissy meter just went up by about 30. Currently it’s at 60. Aether made this thing up in his head in order to know when to steer clear of Diluc’s rage.
“Does that really surprise you, Master Diluc?”
Aether snapped his head to the source of the voice, smile growing wider, “Damn, I wonder who this good looking man is with a new gold ring?”
“Aw, you really noticed.” Kaeya showed off his hand with a wink. He glanced at Rosaria, who was trailing behind him, “I told you.”
“Rich people these days.”
“Oh my god, it’s cutie!” Lisa just headed in the door, already attacking Aether’s cheeks, “You look even better than last we saw you. Sure you didn’t change that adorable face of yours?”
Aether grinned, “I wouldn’t do that to you, Lisa. I know how much you love it.”
“Holy shit, he’s becoming self aware.” Venti leaned over from where he was sitting, eyeing the bouquets in his hand, “Aaaand who might those be for?”
Aether cleared his throat, getting up from the stool at the same time as Venti. Okay, he was gonna do something super dramatic, just bear with him. “O’ my lord, I offer you these flowers as a sign of my gratitude and faith. Please, the most gracious of deities, accept my offering of tranquility and worship!” He held out the bouquet of Cecilias.
Venti giggled like a madman, grabbing the flowers and smelling them, “Smells like an open field, freedom and experience awaiting out there in the world, oh the stories to be told!” The bard patted Aether’s head, “I accept and thank you for such an offering, my most loyal devotee. Rest assured, your faith has never gone unnoticed, for I am a generous soul, willing to give you my time.”
“That is all a mortal such as myself could ask for, O’ great Lord.”
…
“Are you fucking done?” Rosaria was busy downing a jug of alcohol as she asked this, “You guys sound worse than the sisters at church. Church. Do you know how hard it is to top that?”
“I just felt myself age another twenty years.” Eula deadpanned.
Venti gave a ‘humph’, clinging onto Aether’s neck with a smirk, “You just can’t accept that we’re platonic soulmates! So suck it, peasants.” Aether simply nodded along.
After letting go, Aether walked over to Kaeya, demeanor changing again to fit yet another weird role playing scenario. This one he actually was inspired by the man himself, by the way. He bowed, bouquet in hand and outstretched, “For you, Captain. I overheard these were your favorites, and thought of it as a perfect opportunity to make you fall in love with me.”
“You sly devil.” Kaeya chuckled, taking the flowers and holding them close to him, “Did you get that line from me, too?”
“I learned from the best.”
“You goddamned homosexuals.” Rosaria said with a playful scowl.
Diluc placed the cup down, serving Lisa a glass of wine, “Aren’t you a- let me quote you- ‘Dickphobic?’ Venti calm down, you’ll drool all over the counter I cleaned a minute ago.” Venti was indeed eyeing that bottle of dandelion wine like a kid would eye a candy shop.
Kaeya snorted in his hand, “Did you clean it with a toothbrush as well?”
“For fucks sake Kaeya- I told you to drop it.”
“No no, don’t drop it.” Lisa raised an eyebrow, “Please enlighten us.”
Diluc glared with a fire only a pyro user can have, “You tell them, I kill you. Slowly.” Kaeya wasn’t fazed in the slightest, his smirk only growing wider at his brother’s obvious embarrassment.
“It all started last week…” Kaeya began, everyone else (except Diluc) leaning forward in curiosity, “You see, Master Diluc is a stuck-up, but of course we knew that already. In order to cure him of this disease, I merely offered a bottle or two of wine.”
“Except it wasn’t wine.” Diluc scoffed, the towel in his hands shy of disintegrating entirely, “It was The Grim Reaper you shoved into a drink.”
“If you thought it was so deadly, why even drink it at all?”
Venti hummed, thinking of what drink could cause such a reaction. Then his eyes widened, “Wait.” He turned to Kaeya, “No you didn’t. You gave this grumpy strawberry Everclear?!”
Paimon rubbed her head, “Huh? Everclear? I haven’t heard of that drink.” Aether tilted his head, thouroughly confused. I thought that only existed in another world. Who knew this place was intense with their alcohol, too. Amber almost spit out her drink, the others were in between laughing and feeling sorry for the poor bartender.
“How much percent was it?!” Amber grabbed Kaeya’s shoulders, eyes also wide in shock, “Those things are poison! Literal poison- something only a guy would drink after divorcing his third wife!” That’s oddly specific.
Diluc grumbled, “It was 95%.”
Wait, what.
“Come again?”
“What the fuck, Kaeya.” Rosaria, now a bit tipsy from the drinks, tried suppressing a laugh, “You really wanna be an only child, don’t you?”
“Are we going to ignore the fact that Diluc drank it?” Aether poked the man’s cheek, “Is this an accurate clone of him trying to tarnish his name?” Diluc wasn’t impressed, swatting away his hand.
“I’m more interested in this toothbrush situation.” Eula smiled, “Continue with your story.”
“You heard the woman, don’t interrupt me again.” Kaeya scolded, before his grin was back, “Our frowny bartender is unsurprisingly a lightweight, so after one shot he was tripping over himself. Though I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, since he had a 95% alcohol drink. Because of his state—!”
“Don’t. Do it.”
“He insisted on cleaning the floor…that had already been cleaned an hour prior.” Kaeya stifled a laugh, “The best part was—“
“Kaeya.”
“He cleaned the floor with a toothbrush! For another hour and a half, he kneeled on the floor, scrubbing every single corner with a toothbrush!”
The room was filled with unrestrained laughter and slamming tables. Diluc was the only one who did not enjoy this, “Son of a bitch…” And the room turned up a few degrees thanks to his sheer rage.
“G-Guys- damn! My sides—!” Venti slammed his jug on the table again, trying to talk in between laughs, “I can’t do this! HAHAHAHA- I can’t!”
“Hey Diluc, I got an extra toothbrush at home!” Eula jested, shoving the man playfully, “Wanna clean up the tables again?”
Aether covered his face, which had turned red from laughing so hard, “Oh my god, I wish I was there. I have a Kamera and everything, you should’ve called me over!”
“Oh my,” Lisa giggled, pointing at Diluc, “He might burn a hole into the floor if this keeps up.”
Rosaria grinned like a cat, “Better get your toothbrushes ready.”
“We better go buy some toothpaste, then!”
“Stooop!” Amber leaned onto Eula for support, unable to stop her fits, “I have- I have to go out tomorrow, damn it! My sides are gonna kill me!”
“I know what else is about to kill me,” Kaeya pointed his thumb at Diluc, “And it’s not dick.”
Rosaria rolled her eyes, taking another swig of the alcohol, “We all know you’re a virgin, shut up.”
“Am not. You’re the one who never gets tits, and complains about it every day to me.”
“It’s the opposite- people want my tits. Unfortunately they are reserved for women.”
“I’m a man of open arms, all are welcome to have a taste.”
“Have a taste of therapy, then I’ll believe you.”
A horrific crack broke the argument. Everyone looked towards the sound, and fear immediately creeped up their spines. Diluc broke the chair with his hand, glare enough to kill anyone on the spot. The others collectively gulped. We…are screwed.
“RUN RUN RUN!”
“You can’t catch me, bitch! Try me, try me, try m— OH FUCK!”
“Master Diluc, this isn’t very professional of y— AH come on! I apologize for telling them- have mercy!”
“PAIMON GET YOUR GLITTERING FEET BACK HERE!”
“PAIMON IS TRYING NOT TO GET BURNED ALIVE!”
“Amber…what the hell?!”
“This is a great hiding spot! The Devil will never get his Everclear stinked hands— AHHHHHH!”
“And they’re dead. Rest in pieces.”
“Did someone say dead?!”
“WHO THE EVER-LOVING FUCKBUCKETS ARE YOU?!”
Jean walked out, woken up from the commotion. And now she regrets being born into this job.
“…I’m going back to bed.”