Chapter Text
Clare arrives in their lives on the tenth of July, tiny and terrified and traumatised.
Dani isn’t sure what she’d been expecting, exactly, when they first applied as emergency foster parents. They’d both been a little unsure when it came to kids. They’d agreed early on that if they did ever want children, they’d adopt or foster - neither of them have particularly glowing feelings on pregnancy, and Jamie’s background had made it the far more obvious route. The idea of being emergency parents had come up one night a few months ago, a way of being some kind of middle-man for last-minute necessities, and they’d both agreed it felt right. “Plus,” Jamie had said, curled up against Dani as they’d begun their application. “Emergency parents are usually temporary, but there’s no reason we couldn’t apply to make it permanent, if the kid really likes us. Could even adopt.”
They’d not heard anything since their vetting process, months of waiting, but when that first call comes in for a little girl it all happens quickly enough that Dani can barely breathe.
They’d driven down to Brattleboro to get her, almost the other side of Vermont entirely, and Dani had spent the whole time trying to piece together what little information they’d been given about the child being placed with them. Her name is Clare, she’s seven years old, has just been removed from a severely abusive previous placement, has extensive trauma around adult men, and is originally from County Cork, Ireland, but had been living in Pennsylvania since she was about two. Jamie had nodded along - “if she’s been moved from Pennsylvania then that probably means there’s a legal case with some kind of concern for her safety, or they wouldn’t have sought a placement two states away” - and Dani’s heart had sunk a little further at the idea that someone could have been so unimaginably cruel.
Still. Any thoughts of that are banished as she looks at Clare, who is clearly malnourished, dirty, and incredibly afraid of everyone in the room. She doesn’t have much with her, just a trash bag with a couple of clothes in it and a blanket with a little elephant attached that she’s clutching close to her. Matted black hair, wide eyes, Dani’s heart feels like it’s about to burst as they go through the necessary paperwork, trying to give Clare her warmest smile. “It’s okay if you’re a bit scared,” she says softly. “But we’ll tell you everything that’s going to happen and get you all cosy in bed so you can sleep a bit tonight, okay?”
Clare nods, still clearly trying hard to hide the fact that she’s crying. Jamie’s speeding through everything they need to sign, and it feels strange to look over at Clare and realise that their lives have irreversibly changed over a single phone call. The social worker sitting opposite them - Jenny, her name badge reads - takes the papers back and shuffles them. “Good to go,” she says, in a gruff voice that makes even Dani feel a little uncomfortable, let alone Clare, who must be out of her mind with everything going on. “Good luck with that one, she’s been a handful for us already.”
Clare looks absolutely stricken and Dani’s about to say something when Jamie beats her to it. “You’d be distressed if you’d just been shoved across the country after years of abuse too,” she says brusquely, and Dani thinks perhaps she falls in love with her all over again as Clare stares up at Jamie with wide eyes. Jenny says nothing, just raises an eyebrow and says that Clare is free to go with them, and it strikes Dani how odd the whole exchange is. A phone call, a few signatures, and they have a kid. The vetting processes had been rigorous, but it’s been so long since it happened that it feels like it was years ago, and her mind is already running riot with every possible way they could somehow no longer be suitable, even as Jamie’s hand settles on her back and Clare looks up at her with a combination of fear and hope glistening through her tears.
“Ready?” Dani asks Clare, who nods her head hesitantly, walking with them to the car. She smells a bit, and Dani can see that her clothes barely fit, wondering what on Earth went down for Clare to emerge from a situation in such a state. “Maybe when we get to ours you can have a bath?” she offers, and Clare nods, still looking a little awestruck as they hop into Jamie’s truck, Dani sitting in the back with her while Jamie drives. She’s a little lost for words, not wanting to overwhelm Clare more than the evening has already, while at the same time wanting to give her some insight into the world she’s about to find herself in. “We’ve got your room all ready,” she offers, and Clare looks suspiciously over at her.
“My room?”
“Yeah,” Dani replied with a friendly smile. “It’s next to ours. It’s a bit empty at the moment but we’ve got your bed made and there’s a bookshelf and a lamp and a little wardrobe in there, and we can go shopping when you feel settled to get some nice things.”
Clare’s still staring, and Dani catches Jamie’s eye in the mirror as they pull out of the parking lot and hit the road. “It’s very kind of you,” she starts, and Dani can’t help but smile at her accent, a blend of lingering Irish and east-coast American, “but it’s okay, I’ll just sleep on the floor.”
Dani frowns, catching Jamie’s eye again. “Uh,” she takes a moment to try to phrase her confusion delicately, not wanting to antagonise Clare any further. “Why would you sleep on the floor?”
The look of confused innocence she gets back is enough to make tears well up in her eyes. “Mr. Palmer said that’s where I should sleep, because I’m small, and he’s big, so he gets a bed. And I have to clean the house when I wake up so it’s easier.”
Dani’s grateful that Jamie takes over, not sure how to process the influx of information she’s just received. “Well,” Jamie calls back from the front. “Mr. Palmer doesn’t sound like a very nice man, so we’re not going to listen to him or his silly rules, yeah? Promise. No cleaning the house and no sleeping on the floor.”
Clare’s still frowning, and Dani can see her trying to work out if it’s all some big joke in real-time, gears turning in her brain as she looks between her and Jamie. “But I thought bad kids don’t get nice things,” she says quietly, and Dani just wants to wrap her up in a blanket and tell her she’s okay, since she clearly doesn’t think she is. “And Mr. Palmer said I was bad so I think I probably am bad. So I don’t need to have a room.”
Dani’s used to children’s logic, with the fourth-graders she teaches only a couple of years older than Clare is now, but she’s never heard it in such a devastating context before, thinking carefully about her choice of words. “From what we know, it sounds like Mr. Palmer was bad. And even if he thought you were bad, that doesn’t mean you are bad. And even if you are bad, you still deserve nice things, even if you don’t think you do. And we think you’re really good so that means you have a room and you don’t have to clean the apartment or do anything like that.” Clare’s eyes get steadily wider again, but she eventually nods, and Dani smiles at her. “So when we get home we’ll show you around first, and then have a quick bath, and then go to bed, so you can sleep lots and feel a bit better tomorrow. Does that sound okay?”
Clare nods again, turning back to looking out of the window as Jamie merges onto the freeway, flashing Dani a quick smile in the mirror. The drive home feels like it flashes by, a total contrast to the excruciating pace of the drive to Brattleboro, and Dani’s mind is whirling, going over every little detail of their plan. Home. Show Clare around. Put her clothes in the wash. Bath. Help her wash her hair. Brush it. Braid it? Show her her room. Tuck her in. Read her a story. Make her feel safe. Tell her to get them if she needs them. She repeats the list to herself over and over again, keeping an eye on Clare as best she can, who largely seems content to look at the passing traffic, unfazed by the fact that it’s almost four in the morning by the time they finally get home. She should really go straight to bed, but Dani can’t bear the thought of her having to feel so grimy all night.
Jamie takes her hand as they walk up from the car to the apartment, squeezing it tightly as they take Clare up the stairs, looking impossibly more vulnerable with her little trash bag in one hand and elephant blanket in the other. Dani suspects the blanket is going to need a good wash too, but taking it away from Clare on her first night seems far too harsh, so she adds it to her list of things for tomorrow, instead flicking the light on and welcoming Clare in, showing her around the kitchen and the living room as Jamie quietly takes her clothes to go and put in the washing machine. She asks Clare if she wants to see her room first or have a bath, but Clare seems far too scared of giving the wrong answer to give one at all, so Dani takes over, opting for a bath first so that Clare can fall into bed properly for the night once they’re finished. “We haven’t got any pyjamas for you yet, but we’ll get some tomorrow,” she tells her, showing Clare the bathroom and turning the bath taps on. “You could sleep in one of my shirts tonight? It’ll be like a little nightie on you,” she adds with a smile, and Clare nods, staring down at the bath and the running water.
It’s relatively quiet as they wait for the bath to fill up, the sound of Jamie humming to herself as she goes around the kitchen, and Dani keeps testing the water to make sure it isn’t too hot. Clare looks a little uncertain as Dani says it’s ready, seemingly not really sure what to do. “Clare?” Dani prompts gently, making Clare jump as she snaps her head up at her.
“I’m scared,” Clare whispers, and Dani’s heart falls through the floor, moving to kneel in front of her.
“What are you scared of?”
Clare shakes her head before staring back at the bath. “Is it hot?”
“Warm, but not hot. If it’s too warm I can put some more cold water in to cool it down.”
Clare fidgets with her skirt, taking a deep, shuddery breath before slowly getting undressed and stepping into the water, curling around herself immediately as she sits in the bath, clearly unsure what to do next. “Do you want me to wash your hair for you? It’ll feel nicer and then maybe we can braid it before you go to sleep.” She gets a nervous nod in return, and Dani picks up the cup they usually keep their toothbrushes in, rinsing it out a few times before using it to scoop up the water, trying to be as slow and gentle as possible. Clare flinches the first few times, but lets Dani gently work shampoo through her hair, trying to get the worst of the knots out without hurting her and eventually deciding to just drown it in conditioner and hope for the best. Clare’s hair feels like it’s probably a similar texture to Jamie’s when it isn’t so matted up, which makes Dani smile. “Is the water okay?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
She ends up brushing through Clare’s hair while she’s still in the bath, hoping to ease out the worst of the tangles without hurting her, and rinses the conditioner out at the same time, telling Clare a little more about Burlington and her and Jamie. “We’ll go and get some nice new clothes for you tomorrow,” she says. “And maybe some books and games for your room? We have a few board games, but if there’s any you want?”
Clare turns to look at her. “I haven’t played any games. And the orphanage says I was bad and difficult so you might want a better kid, so I don’t want to make you buy me things.”
Dani puts the cup down, handing Clare a loofah and some shower gel for her to wash herself with, pausing as she does. “Clare, I don’t know what the orphanage said to you, but it doesn’t matter anymore, okay? As long as you’re happy here then you can stay here. And if you want to go back, you can, but we aren’t just going to give you back for a different kid, I promise.”
“Even if they’re good and I’m bad?”
“Even then.”
Clare frowns, thinking as she takes the loofah. “Mr. Palmer always said nobody else liked me. But you like me.”
“It sounds like Mr. Palmer was just a very mean person.”
“He was,” Clare mumbles, then turns sharply to Dani, her eyes filling with tears. “Please don’t tell him I said that. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m not meant to tell people that.”
“Hey, woah,” Dani takes the loofah back, reaching for one of Clare’s hands and holding it gently. “It’s okay. I’m not going to tell him anything. I don’t know him, so even if I wanted to tell him, I wouldn’t know how. He’s far away and he doesn’t know where you are, okay? It’s just you and me and Jamie, and we like you, so we aren’t going to give you back or tell him anything about you. It’s okay.”
Jamie chooses that moment to knock on the bathroom door, coming in just as Clare starts rinsing herself off. “Bed’s all ready,” she says, smiling brightly at Clare, who hiccups a little as she tries to stop her tears. “Everything okay?”
“Just feeling a bit scared,” Dani tells her. “But I’ve told Clare she’s completely safe here and it’s just us, and we like her a lot, so she’s gonna be just fine.”
Jamie mimes tipping her hat, bowing, and Dani’s delighted to hear the tiniest little teary giggle from Clare, the first sign of anything but abject terror they’ve had all night. “That she is. And when she’s ready, we’ve got an extra fluffy towel for her, and a nice new toothbrush, and she’s got a little present waiting in her room. A nice one, I promise.”
“I’m ready now. I’m sorry to make you wait.”
Dani fixes a warm smile on her face. “You didn’t. It’s okay. I thought maybe I could brush and braid your hair while Jamie reads you a bedtime story? We haven’t got many books you’d like, but my favourite is Alice in Wonderland, so that might be fun?”
Clare steps out of the bath and into the towel Jamie’s holding out, nodding. “I don’t know it, but that would be nice. Thank you.”
They dry her off and take her through to Jamie and Dani’s room first, getting her a shirt to sleep in, before taking her through to see her own room. It’s still simple, a bed a little bigger than a single with blue bedsheets on, a bookshelf with some hastily-placed books, an empty wardrobe and a bedside table with a white lamp on it. Dani suspects they’ll have to get her some kind of night-light, at least while she settles, but it’ll do for now. Clare’s completely swallowed up by Dani’s t-shirt, hanging down past her knees, which makes her smile as Clare stares at the room in front of her. “Are you sure this is for me?”
Jamie grins at her, switching the lamp on. “Sure. All yours. We’ll get some nice things for it tomorrow, yeah?”
Clare nods, a little awestruck, and her eyes fix on the stuffed toy giraffe waiting next to her elephant blanket on the bed for her, which Dani picks up with a smile. “We thought you might be a bit scared, or a bit lonely. I know you’ve got your elephant, but we didn’t know that at the time, so this is for you. I promise it’s really soft.” She gently hands the giraffe to Clare, who holds it, staring down in shock. “Maybe it’ll tell you what it’s name is?”
It’s partly an act of comfort, and partly something Dani had learned back in her teacher training days. Kids with bad backgrounds respond better when they have a toy or something else to talk through, and she’s hoping Clare can use the giraffe to talk about herself with, or say how she’s feeling. Either way, Clare looks delighted, holding it up to her ear. “She says her name is Georgina,” Clare tells them decisively, and Dani feels like she might cry for about the tenth time that evening at the tiny glimpse of Clare without all the layers of fright and horror surrounding her. “She’s really soft.”
Dani beams at her, nodding. “She is. I bet she’s going to love you lots and lots.”
Clare’s content to play with Georgina while Dani gets the hairbrush from the bathroom, asking Clare gently to sit down in front of her so she can brush her hair, confused at an immediate change in Clare’s demeanour, that panic creeping back immediately. “Please don’t hurt my hair,” she whimpers, holding Georgina up almost defensively as Dani stares. “Mr. Palmer used to hurt me when he brushed it and I know it’s because I’m bad, but please don’t.”
Dani moves to sit beside her, putting the hairbrush down on the mattress next to her. “Did Mr. Palmer hurt you a lot?”
Clare nods. “I was really bad, so I got punished a lot.” She sees Jamie’s face fall.
“Okay, well. I’m going to make a promise to you right now, okay? Can you link your pinky finger with mine?” Clare does, her hand tiny next to Dani’s. “I promise that nobody is ever going to hurt or punish you here, even if you think you’ve been really bad. If something goes wrong then we talk about it and we learn from it, but we never, ever hurt each other, and that means we’re never, ever going to hurt you either. If I hurt you while I’m brushing your hair then tell me and I’ll stop straight away, okay? I promise. And so does Jamie.”
They shake pinkies on it, and despite the fact that Clare looks thoroughly unconvinced, she turns so that Dani can start brushing her hair, clutching Georgina and her elephant blanket closely. She flinches violently the first time Dani touches her hair, and Dani’s just grateful Clare is facing away from her, so that she doesn’t see the tears falling freely down Dani’s cheeks as she works the brush through as gently as she can. Whoever this Mr. Palmer is, Dani knows full well that if she ever comes into contact with him that it’s game over. The horror and fright Clare has clearly been conditioned into feeling all the time is overwhelming even for her; the fact that she’s so young and so distressed is heartbreaking. She knew when they signed up as emergency foster parents that kids in care are there for a reason, but the reality is so much more brutal than she ever imagined, the fact that Clare is so convinced that she’s a terrible person when she’s really just a traumatised seven year old floods Dani with too much emotion to name, trying to put all her focus on Clare’s hair as she runs her hands through to make sure she’s got all the tangles out.
“There. I’ll put it in two little braids to keep it nice tonight, and then it’s way past bedtime.” She leaves Clare and Jamie for a second to go and get some hair ties from her own bedroom, wiping her eyes fiercely as soon as she’s out of sight. The last thing Clare needs is to feel like she’s making Dani cry. She grabs the hair ties quickly enough, heading back into Clare’s room, but finds herself pausing in the doorway, taking a moment to look at the sight in front of her. Jamie has just started reading to Clare, pointing at the illustrations for her as she does, and Clare looks genuinely captivated. That’s my kid, she thinks. Even if Clare really is just there for a little bit, she’s still their kid. She knows the realities of fostering; Clare could not want to stay with them, or be moved for another reason, but even if that happens, right now she’s real, and she’s here, and it’s up to her and Jamie to make her feel safe and happy, something she thinks Clare probably hasn’t felt in a very long time.
It’s almost half past five when she finishes braiding Clare’s hair, finishing off the tie with a flourish and telling her that it’s been a very long night. “You can sleep in as long as you want,” Jamie says as they put the book away. “Usually we like to have breakfast together, but it’s been a really long, scary night. So don’t worry about getting up early. Just get some rest.”
Clare blinks up at them, nodding as she shuffles back so that she’s lying down. Dani smiles at her, moving to tuck her in and asking if Clare likes to be touched, or if she’d rather just have Georgina and her elephant. “I don’t know,” Clare says in response. “I don’t like being hurt.”
Another punch to the heart. Dani gently strokes a hand over her hair, leaning in to drop a kiss on her forehead. “Like I promised,” she says, a thick lump in her throat. “We don’t hurt each other here.”
Clare nods again as Jamie moves to copy Dani’s actions, saying that they’ll turn the lights in her room off but leave the hallway light on so that she isn’t alone in the dark. Clare shuffles onto her side, cuddling Georgina close as she closes her eyes, and Dani gives her one final smile as she does, following Jamie out of the room and into their own bedroom.
She makes it all of five seconds before she falls into Jamie's arms and breaks down crying.