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They don’t even make it to midnight. Devi had dragged him downstairs and he’d waited patiently, stuck to the living room wall and watching her explain to Eleanor and Fabiola that she was heading home. Ben had felt nervous at that, Eleanor and Fabiola both peering over Devi’s shoulder to stare at him. He wished he knew what she was saying; how she was explaining it. The thumbs up Fabiola gave him behind Devi’s back when she returned to him must have been a good sign, though.
Devi presses up against him in the back seat of the Lyft, her hand folding nearly into his. Ben’s spirits are so high that he tips the driver $100.
“What time do you need to be home?” he asks, pushing the front door to his house open.
“I don’t,” says Devi. Ben’s surprised, knowing Dr Vishwakumar. “I’m meant to be staying at El’s,” she adds.
“Huh,” Ben makes a curious noise as the two of them wander into the empty house. He switches on a few lights, illuminating her in a glow that makes his head feel fuzzy. “And will you be?”
She bites her lip, eyes flickering over his face before leaning in to kiss him. Ben’s head swims; he doesn’t think he’ll ever get sick of the way her lips dance over his, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip gently to let her tongue into his mouth.
“I, uh,” he mumbles against her lips. “I need to change. I’m all…” he gestures at the punch spilt down his front, mostly dry now but sticking to his skin uncomfortably.
She follows him up to his room, heels clicking on each stair as they go. Ben’s heart is racing so much that he’s worried it’ll bounce right out of his chest and make a mess on the floor.
He flicks on the bedside lamp, illuminating the room in a dim glow. Devi sits on the edge of his bed while he rummages around in his dresser. “Do you want something to change into?” he asks, turning around to see her eyebrow quirked. “I just mean something comfortable, jeez,” he qualifies.
She laughs, “You’re blushing.”
“Yeah, well,” Ben palms the back of his neck, not knowing what to say. It’s true.
“Clothes would be nice. Thanks, Ben.”
“Don’t think I’m letting you leave with that, by the way,” he says, passing her a sweater and a pair of boxers. “I never got the last one back.”
He steps into the bathroom to get changed, closing the door behind him to give her some privacy. As he unbuttons his shirt, Ben realises his hands are shaking.
Devi is sitting at the end of the bed, legs crossed, playing on her phone. She’s rolled the boxer shorts over at the waist a couple of times, showing so much of her legs that it makes Ben’s mouth dry. She’s also tied her hair back, messy ponytail falling over her back and revealing the smooth expanse of her neck. She looks comfortable, so comfortable it makes him suddenly aware of how alone they are.
He’s not sure what she’s expecting. Back at the party, cocooned in the bedroom upstairs, it felt like they’d rip each other’s clothes off. Crawl under each other’s skin. Make up for lost time. But now. Ben swallows, hard, hoping she can’t hear it. He edges towards the bed and sits down next to her.
“What happened with Paxton?” he asks in a small voice.
Devi gives him a scandalised look. “Do you… really want to talk about this?”
He shrugs, “Humor me.”
She takes a deep breath, gaze fixing out Ben’s bedroom window. He follows her eyes, twinkling lights of LA in the distance. “We’re friends. Everything’s fine now. It worked out the way it was supposed to.”
When she says that last part, her hand finds his. Her fingers intertwine with each of his, her thumb swiping over his knuckle.
Ben doesn’t want to ask, but he forces himself to. Has to clear his throat to get the words out. “How do I know you’re not gonna change your mind? I mean, if he changes his?”
Devi’s shoulders fall, like Ben’s words have taken all of the air out of her. She kisses him then, softly. It’s nothing like the kisses they traded back at the party, not like the one they shared downstairs either. Not like any they’ve had before; on this very bed, in Malibu. She kisses him softly, stroking the skin on his neck. It’s a kiss full of regret and apology, asking for forgiveness without actually saying it.
When she pulls back, she doesn’t go far. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything. Like, from the minute it all went down at my going away party. And here’s the thing about Paxton: he’s great. He’s hot, he’s funny, he’s caring and sweet.”
Ben frowns, inching away from her, “Which part of this is meant to be comforting to me?”
“But he doesn’t get me,” she finishes, gripping his hand tighter. “We don’t get each other. As much as it pains me to admit it, you get me. Better than anyone ever has.”
He certainly wasn’t expecting that. “Oh,” is all he can manage.
Devi looks down at their hands. “I used to want to scratch your eyes out,” she says with a fond sort of laugh. “But I think it’s because you could see.”
“See what?”
“Me,” she shrugs, meeting his gaze. The electricity sizzles between them.
The words travel through his body, like every atom fills up with them. It makes him think about the last time they sat on this bed and shared confessions, him telling her, I’m all in . It feels like one of the more honest things she’s ever said to him. “Yeah well, you saw me too,” Ben tells her, feeling the blush creep up his cheeks. “Sometimes you were the only person who’d even speak to me all day at school apart from teachers. Even if it was an insult.”
She sort of half smiles before confessing slowly, “I remember when my dad died and I was so upset. Like it was hard to just breathe. And then one day I got angry. I was so mad that it felt easier to deal with. My therapist told me anger was the strongest emotion we have. Turns out she was right. I liked being with Paxton, made me feel…” she trails off, doesn’t finish, and the unsaid words clutch at Ben’s chest. When Devi speaks again, she says, “But it didn’t touch how angry I felt when I saw you with Aneesa.”
It’s the first time she’s admitted being jealous and he feels awkward. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s not your fault at all,” Devi says fiercely, turning toward him and her free hand finding his cheek. “I made the mess. I’m just glad we figured it out.”
He leans into the touch. “Me too,” he says quietly. They stay like that, her thumb brushing lightly over his cheek. Eventually, Ben admits, “Anger’s not that great, by the way. I was so angry at you but it didn’t fix how much I missed you.”
It’s true. He’d spend his days at school glaring at her, biting her head off when he was given half the chance. But at night, he’d crawl into bed and there was nothing he could do to get the big, empty pit of hurt out of his stomach. Even when he’d started dating Aneesa, all brilliant smiles and flirty touches, he’d go to sleep wondering why Devi hadn’t just picked him.
The ghost of those feelings must show on his face, because Devi kisses him again. This time, it’s fierce and hard, like she’s trying to prove something to him.
From the distance, he hears chanting. The countdown to midnight has begun, choruses of parties in the houses surrounding his penetrating the walls.
“New year,” he mumbles against her lips. “No more apologies. We’re good.”
“Yeah, we are,” she agrees, kissing him again. Ben’s not sure when midnight comes, vaguely hears the pop of fireworks somewhere in the distance and the cheers of people in the parties nearby. None of it touches them, and when he wakes up in the morning, Devi is still there, pressed tightly against him.