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I.
Luz is five years old when she first hears her parents fight. It’s not on purpose. Sure, being awake past 11 pm is not good for a kid her age, but she was too focused on the story she was creating about Azura and Hecate under the blanket that she didn’t see time go by.
She can’t make out what they’re saying at first (the walls of the house are very thick) and they were talking in Spanish. Sure, Luz knows a few Spanish words that she picked up from her parents when learning how to talk, but it’s too much dialogue for her underdeveloped brain to pick up.
She knows it’s serious though. There’s yelling from her mama and her mama never yells. Not even when she’s mad. Her father is mostly quiet at first, but suddenly he’s yelling too and that takes Luz off-guard.
She tries to muffle their screams and shouts, tries to disassociate like she did when she gets upset about something, but fails.
The fight continues on and on until she hears the front door of the house slam.
She tiptoes to her window, climbing on a chair, and looks out the window. She sees her dad running outside and entering the car before driving off in the night.
The house is quiet. Too quiet.
Then she hears someone climbing up the stairs and Luz quickly rushes under the covers of her bed, pretending to be asleep just in time for her mother to open the door to her room.
Luz, with her eyes still closed, hears her mom approach her bed and sit on the mattress, running her fingers through her hair and kiss her forehead before sighing and muttering something in Spanish that Luz didn’t know.
She rearranged the blanket over Luz and gets up from the mattress, closing the door behind her.
After a few moments of silence, Luz opens her eyes, not sure of what to think of what happened.
She drifts off to sleep.
(In the morning, she sees her father at the breakfast table, acting as if nothing had happened. Her mama didn’t say anything either.)
(Luz can only hope this meant that they weren’t going to fight anymore.)
II.
Luz is six years old when she tiptoes her way downstairs, awaken from the shouting that came from it.
This was the third time this week only that her parents fought during the night. But Luz had grown used to the shouting and was now able to fall asleep with the screams by burying her head into her pillows and shutting the world off. But not tonight.
She walked her way downstairs, her blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
They’ve must have been too concentrated with their shouting because they didn’t hear when she called for them before she entered the living room.
"No lo entiendes, Camila."
"¿Qué no entiendo, Julio?"
"¡Oh, aquí viene de nuevo!" Her papa brought his hand to his forehead and sat on the couch.
"¡¿Qué?! ¡Nunca me tienes claro lo que te molesta! A veces es el hecho de que trabajo demasiado tarde o tal vez estoy demasiado ocupado estudiando para graduarme de la escuela de veterinaria, ¡pero nunca eres específico! "
"¡Ya no me prestas atención!"
“Oh, entonces ¿esto es todo? ¿Es sobre ti? ¿Y nuestra familia? ¿Y Luz? ¿No es importante para ti?”
Her name in the middle of the discussion grasped her attention and she stayed quiet, trying to piece what they were saying by context clues.
"¡Por supuesto que me preocupo por Luz, Camila!"
"¡No pareces demostrarlo! ¡Está pasando por un momento difícil en la escuela, Julio! ¡Algunos de los estudiantes se burlan de ella por sus gustos! ¿Sabías sobre eso?”
"No, no lo hago, ¡porque no me lo dices!"
“¡Luz es quien me lo contó! ¡Ella debería sentirse cómoda contándote! Pero no estás lo suficientemente abierto con ella".
"Tengo trabajo, Camila".
“¡¿Entonces puedes usar la excusa del trabajo pero no yo?! ¡Deja de ser tan hipócrita!"
They stay in silence for a few moments. Luz’s heart is almost on her throat as she tries to bury a sob.
Finally, her father speaks up, getting up from the couch.
"Esta es exactamente la razón por la que nos vamos a divorciar".
The new word echoes in Luz’s head. Divorciar.
She quickly climbs upstairs and runs into her room.
She grabs a pen and a small slip of paper from her school’s pencil case and writes the word on it before putting it inside her Good Azura 2 book.
(When her mother comes back to check on her later that night, Luz is already fast asleep.)
III.
“Mrs. Summers?”
“Yes, Luz?”
Her teacher approaches her and Luz lowers her raised hand.
“Uh, I finished my work. Can I use the computer to search for something?” Luz says, opening the small text she wrote about her weekend and showing it to the older woman.
“Aright Luz, but don’t google anything bad. We all have access to the history of these computers.”
Luz nods and watches her teacher walk away as another one of her classmates calls for her.
Quickly, Luz grabs from her back pocket the small slip of paper from two days ago and slowly types it on the search bar.
Divorciar
After a few seconds, Google shows the results.
Did you mean Divorce
Right under it, a definition.
di·vorce
/dəˈvôrs/
Noun
The legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body. "her divorce from her first husband"
“Mrs. Teacher?” the young girl asks again.
Her teacher doesn’t look at her this time but replies nonetheless, “Yes, Luz?”
“What does ‘dissolution’ mean?”
“It means ‘finishing’ or ‘ending’.”
Luz looks at her screen again.
The legal ending of a marriage by a court or other competent body.
Luz’s eyes widen and she’s pretty sure her heart starts to beat wildly on her chest but she didn’t feel great like she did when it used to happen. She felt… scared.
Did her parents really plan on throwing away their marriage? If so, why? They used to love each other! What happened? Was it… her fault? Did she do something wrong? Is it the fact some of her classmates were picking on her? Was she a bad daughter?
Luz didn’t know the answer to any of those questions.
IV.
“Mija?” Camila peeks her head inside Luz’s room and Luz stops her reading of that paragraph of Azura II and looks at her mother.
“Mami! Are you going to sleep with me again?” Luz smiled at her mother. In the last few days, her mother had asked to sleep with her and they threw sleepovers, talking about Azura and whatever had happened during Luz’s day.
“Maybe later, cariño.” She smiled before sighing. She fixed her glasses and took a deep breath, “Can you come downstairs? Your papa and I have something to tell you.”
Luz blinked twice before nodding to her mom silently.
She closed her book, making sure to mark her page and put it down on her nightstand.
Quietly she came downstairs and stared at the dining room. There were three chairs pulled back. Her father was gripping one of them, his knuckles white. Her mother, on the other hand, had her arms crossed and smiled at Luz when she came appeared at the door.
“Mija, take a seat please.”
Luz did and her parents did so as well. She was sitting in between the two of them, her mother to her right while her father stood to her left.
They all stayed in silence for moments and Luz was the one to break it.
“Did… you guys want to say something?”
Luz heard her mother breathe deeply before taking Luz’s hand.
“Mija, do you know what is a divorce?”
She did.
“I do.” She admits.
“And what does it mean?”
“It’s… when two people who are married stop being married,” Luz admits shyly. Her mother squeezes her hand.
“You’re right, cariño. Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
Luz had suspected it was this when they first called her downstairs but hearing it was different. It made things too real.
“Are you okay, Luz?” her father speaks up for the first time. Luz stays silent, trying to contain her emotions.
“Luz, we know you’re strong but sometimes, it’s good to let your emotions out. How are you feeling?” Her mama asks and like a switch, Luz lets out a sob.
“Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I’m weird?” the dam was broken and tears from her eyes started falling, “I-I can do better! I-”
“Luz, it’s not your fault!” Her mama interrupts her, squeezing her hand.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, bebé.” Her father says, kissing the top of her head.
“B-But what happened? Why did you both stop loving each other?”
“That happens sometimes, Luz.” Camila says, kissing her forehead, “Some people are able to love each other forever, but some others can’t.”
Luz stays silent, letting the tears and sobs out until she felt that there was nothing else in there.
“Will I still see you both?” She asks, her voice shaking after so much crying.
“Of course, cariño.” Camila reassures her with a smile, “Your papa will be moving out in two weeks but he’ll still see you every weekend where you’ll hang out at his new house!”
“A-Are things going to change forever?”
“Some things will change Luz, but for the better.” Her father hugs her tightly.
“Some will stay the same, though,” her mama hugs her, “Divorce means we won’t be married to each other anymore, but we still love you and we will be your parents forever. That hasn’t changed. That will never change. Even though mama and papa won’t be part of the same family, you and papa will always be family, and you and me will always be family.”
“We both promise you this.” Her father speaks up and Luz lets out another sob and tears fall again.
She has no idea how long they stayed there in the kitchen just in their embrace. Luz didn’t care.
Luz wanted to enjoy it.
V.
Luz is seven years old when people in her class discover she has divorced parents. If she wasn’t already considered the odd one out in her class, this gave her the title.
“Hey, Luzer! When is your dad coming back home?” Luke, the boy who sits behind her says as Luz tries to leave her classroom for lunch.
She turns around, confused by his words, “My dad has another house, Luke. Why would he come to my mama's house?” she asks, raising a brow.
“Because duh, that’s how normal families look like! You have a mom and a dad that live in the same home and still love each other and love their kids just as much.”
“My papa and mama may not be together anymore but they love me just as much, Luke!” Luz raises her voice, getting angry fast.
“If they did, they would’ve stayed together, like a normal family! Like mine or any of the kids in our class.” He smirks at her, lightly pushing her against a desk. Luz groans from the impact but holds her ground.
“Stop. Stop saying that!” she feels the corner of her eyes sting, meaning that she will start crying soon. He laughs again and Luz feels the dam about to break
“You know what?” He says, pushing her again, “I don’t know what was I expecting? Luzer’s family to be normal when you’re their daughter? Ha!”
He laughs and walks away but not before knocking her Good Witch Azura lunch box into the floor, spilling all the food that her mom put together this morning.
This breaks the dam.
Luz feels her eyes sting as tears fall onto the floor. She kneeled on the floor, grabbing her now ruined PB&J sandwich. She didn’t expect any of her classmates to help her. None of them stopped Luke when he did things like those, most of them didn’t want to be targeted, others sometimes joined in.
Still, with her eyes stinging and sobbing, she grabbed her food one by one, putting it inside her lunchbox.
Luke doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Her papa and mama loved her. That didn’t change. That wouldn’t change. They promised her. And they were going to keep it.
VI.
Luz is eight years old when her father doesn’t come to pick her up at school on Friday.
When he left the house two years ago, it was clear that every Friday he would pick her up at school and on Sunday he would drive her back to Camila’s.
Sometimes she would spend the weekend at her mama’s because her father was busy with work or he had to travel, but he always made sure Luz knew beforehand.
This was the first time she was surprised to see her mother at the entrance of her school and not her father.
“Mami? Where’s papa?” Luz asks Camila as they walk back to her car.
“Your father had to cancel your plans last minute, Mija,” Camila said as she put on Luz’s seat belt.
“Really?” Her mother hummed in agreement, closing the car door.
Luz dropped the subject.
At home, she sat in the kitchen while her mom made her maduros, playing around with tinfoil. Then an idea came to her head.
“Mami, do you like swans?”
She giggled while chopping the bananas.
“Of course! Swans are very pretty!”
After a few minutes and a few sheets of tinfoil discarded, she pulled her mom’s sleeve.
“What is it, Luz?” She smiled and Luz giggled before showing her what was behind her back.
“Tada! It’s a tinfoil swan! Mrs. Martin showed us how to do one in art class today!”
Camila smiled brightly, taking the sculpture in her hands, “I love it, Luz! Thank you so much!” she kissed her daughter on her forehead.
So, it became a tradition from that day forward. Luz would make her mother a tinfoil swan (sometimes another animal) every Friday when she didn’t spend it with her dad.
Who knew in a few months, Camila would need to open space for a new tinfoil animal every week.
VII.
“Luz, can we talk?”
It was another Friday. Another Friday where Luz would make a new tinfoil animal for her mom. Meaning another Friday where her dad didn’t come to pick her up at school.
“Sure, mama. What is it?” She put her tin foil cat aside and opened space for her mother to sit on her bed. Sh
“Luz, you know how your father always wanted to be a lawyer, right?” Luz’s smile faded as she heard the word father come out. Julio Oliveira had become some kind of sore subject in the house. Luz was young, but she wasn’t dumb. She knew her dad was avoiding her for a reason.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Well, I was talking to him on the phone just now. He…” she took a deep breath, “he called to tell me that he got accepted into a university in California and that he will study to become a lawyer.”
“Well, that’s nice,” Luz said, fidgeting with the sheets of her bed.
“Well, it is. But he also told me that… he’s grabbing a plane tonight and moving out of Gravesfield until he graduates.”
The words echo in Luz’s mind.
Her father was leaving Connecticut.
“Oh… that’s…” she grips the sheets tighter, her knuckles turning white.
He was leaving her.
“That’s…”
He didn’t even say goodbye to her.
“…great.” She says through gritted teeth. Her eyes sting again and she feels the tears come out.
“Mija?” Camila says, grabbing Luz’s face softly, wiping the tears away. Luz lets out a sob and her whole body starts shaking.
“Mama, he- he didn’t say goodbye t-to me!” She tries to say through sobs and shaky breaths. Camila immediately opens her arms and Luz falls into them, sobbing on her chest, a string of incomprehensible words coming out from her.
Camila held her daughter, rubbing comforting circles on her back, running her fingers through her hair, and whispering that everything would be okay.
Luz has no idea how long it took, but she eventually fell asleep in her mother’s arms.
VIII.
Luz is eleven years old when her therapist brought her father up in one of their sessions.
“When was the last time you saw him?” she asked.
“I think… when I was 8? That was before he left though. I haven't heard a peep from him since.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
Luz pondered on her next words carefully. She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.
“I feel… angry. Of course I do. He’s my father, he promised me that things wouldn’t change. But they did. And that makes me angry.” Luz paused, gripping her shirt tightly, “But also… I feel numb.”
“Numb?”
“Yeah. I had a dad every day of my life for six years straight. But when he left three years ago, I’ve been learning how to deal with him not being here. I learned that a family can just be me and my mama. I learned how to not have a dad. Does that makes sense?” she looked expectantly at the woman in front of her.
“It does.” She wrote something down, “ so what you’re saying is that you’d feel fine if he never showed up again?”
“I guess? It’s… complicated. But if there’s one thing that I’m certain is that I don’t really have any desire to see him again.”
“I see.” The older woman wrote something down again, “do you feel comfortable talking more or do you wish to talk about something else?”
“Something else, please.”
And so they did.
IX.
Luz is thirteen years old when she got a text from an unknown number. Whoever it was on the other side, they claimed to be her dad.
After telling her mother, she got confirmation that yes, the number was her father.
Luz… didn’t know what to think of it. It had been five whole years since she last saw him. Five whole years since he left Connecticut without saying goodbye to her.
At first, Luz ignores his messages. It was the usual “Are you there, Mija?” and similar messages almost every single day. But one day, things changed.
He had sent her a picture of plane tickets, with the caption “Going to Gravesfield. I’ll be around if you want to see me”
And that set her off.
She talked with her therapist on the phone that night and she advised to meet with him. Tell him how she felt before he flew back to California. And so she did.
They would meet up at the Town square of Gravesfield on Saturday and go from there.
As Luz sat on the grass under the statue of the founders of Gravesfield, her fingers fidgeting nervously, she watched as the time went by and her dad didn’t show up.
Eventually, he did, almost half an hour late, but he did. (She had to refrain from commenting that this was the first time in five years that he finally was true to his promise of meeting her).
Luz and he didn’t talk much as they walked around the city. They engaged in small talk, but it didn’t feel right.
It wasn’t the kind of small talk they would have when she was younger. It was… uncomfortable. Luz felt so odd walking around with him after so many years. After learning how to not miss her father. And yet, here he was, trying to pretend that things hadn’t changed. That he didn’t mess things up when he left without saying goodbye.
When the sun was setting, he offered to walk Luz home. Luz accepted out of politeness.
When Luz found herself in front of her house, her dad turned cleared his throat, and asked her something.
“Do you forgive me, Luz?”
She wanted to be the bigger person. She wanted to forgive him. She wanted to have a functional family again. But that wasn’t how she felt.
Her therapist had advised her to tell him how she really felt. No sugarcoating, no lies.
“I don’t, papa.” She said after what if felt like an eternity, “Y-You have no idea how you leaving me and ignoring me for years hurt me.” She turned around to face him and felt her anxiety building up, “I-I moved on! I learned how to handle things, how to handle all of this!” she motioned to the both of them.
They stayed in silence for several moments before Luz spoke up again.
“I-I can’t say I’ll never forgive you. Maybe when I’m older I will. But not right now. I’m not ready for it. I really hope you understand that.”
And she ran inside before he could say anything else.
Walking back to her room, she fell face-first into her pillows, tears streaming down her face.
This is for the better, she told herself. But even those words couldn’t help as she cried on and on.
X.
Luz is fourteen when she first opened up about these issues to someone her age.
She was sitting on top of her sleeping bag in her bedroom on the Owl House, Amity Blight (her awesome girlfriend) was currently painting her nails while Luz read out loud a chapter of Good Witch Azura Three.
“‘Do not worry, Hecate!’ Azura said at the witch in front of her, taking her hand into hers ‘I won't let you come back to that place again! And I will show that Wizard how wrong he was for ignoring your needs and shoving you to the side!’” Amity sighed and Luz immediately looked at her, “Did something go wrong with my nails?” She pulled her hand away from Amity’s and enjoyed the pink, purple and blue on her fingers but didn’t see anything wrong with them, “I don’t see anything-”
“No no! your nails are fine, don’t worry.” The witch took the other girl’s hand on hers again, “I was just thinking…”
“About what? I love hearing your thoughts.” Luz didn’t miss when Amity blushed, her whole face going red for a quick moment.
“Well, I don’t know if I’m projecting onto Hecate again, but is the Wizard supposed to be an allegory of a parental figure that neglects Hecate to manipulate her?”
Luz took a few moments to think about it before smiling at her girlfriend, “I think so!”
Amity let out a relieved sigh, “Oh good, because I wasn’t sure If I was reading it wrong.”
They stayed quiet for a few moments and finally, Amity finished painting Luz’s nails, closing the bottle of blue nail polish.
“You wanna talk about it?” Luz spoke up, flashing Amity a sympathetic smile.
“Yeah, I think it may do me some good.” She approached Luz, leaning head on her shoulder before taking a deep sigh, “I’m just… mad at my father. Ed and Em overheard him telling my mom that she should allow me to be a little rebellious with my hair because ever since I started hanging out more with you, I’ve gotten more powerful and that they can use it someday! Like, who the fuck thinks that?!”
It was rare that Amity cursed. She still had that Little Miss Perfect mentality intricated inside her. If she was cursing now, it meant that she was really mad about her father.
“It was bad when he just stood in the background while Odalia bossed me, Ed, and Em but this is even worse! I’m just- so furious with him!” she punched the pillow by her side.
Hesitantly, Luz wrapped her arm around her shoulders, kissing the crown of her head, “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” She squeezed and let out a sigh, “At least you’re not alone in the shitty dad department.”
“You too?” Amity sounded surprised.
“Mmhm.” Luz hummed in agreement, flashing her a shy and unsure smile.
“I never noticed but yeah, you never talked about him.” Amity’s hand came up to brush Luz’s hair from her face, “You wanna talk about it?”
“I think it may do me some good, I don’t exactly have my therapist here…” she smiled sheepishly and took a deep breath, “well, I think it started when I was five…”
And so they stayed up all night. Talking their issues out, screaming at parental figures, crying, and wishing things were different.
When the sun came up, Luz was still holding Amity close to her. Painful memories of her father still crossing her mind, but it was okay. She had someone to share it with. She had someone who understood how she felt and wouldn’t judge her.
With those thoughts in mind, she brushed the violet bangs off Amity’s forehead and kissed it, drifting back to her dreams.
You'll get used to two
Two backyards, two birthdays, two playrooms
Two parents who are gonna love you like they do now
Just not in the same house
Not in the same house…