Chapter Text
Patton stands nervously at the door. He’s cleaned the house three times, made up the spare bedroom for their newest family member, and cooked dinner (which is sitting out on a very fancily made table). He’s also changed his outfit four times, finally settling on khakis and his white and blue striped polo. He looks out at the driveway, seeing nothing, then down at his phone to check the time. “Do you think she meant 5:30?”
Roman chuckles and turns the page in his script. He doesn’t look up, slowly highlighting his lines. He’s sitting comfortably on the couch, significantly less worried about the whole situation. “Nope. If Ana said 5, then she meant 5.”
“Yeah but it’s 5:02 and there’s no one in the driveway. What if Judge Albertson refused? What if they changed their mind? What i—”
“You know Ana would’ve called besides; she said the Albertsons were having a tough time with him. Why—all the sudden—would they want him?”
Patton turns slightly to look at his husband. “I don’t know.”
Roman closes his script, dropping it haphazardly on the couch as he stands and walks over to Patton, enveloping him in a warm embrace. “You needn’t worry! I’m sure they’re on their way and everything will be just fine.”
Patton holds Roman tightly, turning his face to look out the door. They’ve lost numerous children to the system, to their birth parents, to homophobia. Patton doesn’t want to think that Logan will be the same, but his fear is encompassing. He loved Logan the second they met in the park and has grown to love him even more with the passing months. Granted, the most time they’ve ever spent together is 2 hours but it just feels right. Ana even said Logan wanted to contact them more than he has any other foster parent. So, it only makes sense that he transitions to their home but the moment they suggested it, the moment it all went into the system, is the moment their monthly visits and all contact with Logan stopped.
When they would call the Albertsons’ home, Logan was always out with friends or doing homework. Every time they tried to schedule a get together, Logan was in trouble for something, anything really, the excuses getting lamer each time. And while it was only 3 ½ months that they’d been separated, it felt like years to Patton. It hurt, it still hurts, to have go so long without speaking to the boy, without knowing if he’s ok.
They stand in silence for a couple minutes longer before a car pulls into their driveway. Patton allowing his fear and worry to transform into excitement. He leans up, kissing Roman soundly, before motioning towards the parked car. They watch as Ana gets out and starts towards them…alone. Though Patton definitely sees the outline of a child in the backseat of the car so at least he knows Logan’s there. As she gets closer, Patton opens the front door, stepping back to allow her entry to their home.
“Hi,” she says hugging them both quickly, “Before Logan comes in, I just…I wanted to warn you, ok?”
“Warn us?” Roman asks, “About what?”
Patton looks worriedly out at the car then back at Ana. “Is Logan ok?”
“Yes…well,” Ana sighs, “It’s just…he’s lost a bit of weight since the last time you saw him.”
“How’s that possible? He’s so thin, there’s nothing left for him to lose!” Roman retorts.
“I’m not sure. Being that Mr. Albertson is a judge…there’s a lot of…covering up happening. He told me it was because Logan was refusing to eat and the other two boys who are fostered there corroborated the story.” Ana’s dark brown eyes look saddened, her round face just as troubled. “Logan won’t address it…but when I brought it up to him, he got very upset. So, I wanted to give you two the heads up. Maybe just don’t mention it, or at least, not today. He has a hard time adjusting and as…problematic as his previous placements have been, he’s always resisted leaving them. He’s so loving and…well, anytime we move him I know he feels terrible.”
Patton nods, reminding himself that Logan’s emotional aches are only temporary. That he and Roman will love him forever, that they are his forever home and even if he’s uncomfortable sharing his past with them now one day he’ll feel comfortable enough to. Until then, they’ll work on building a solid, loving relationship. One that gives Logan the foundation he so desperately deserves. “Thank you for letting us know,” Patton says sincerely, “We’d love to see him now though.” Despite the troubling news of his weight, Patton can’t stop the pure joy he’s feeling just to have Logan at their home.
“Of course! I’ll be right back,” Ana turns to leave, Roman following her.
“Does he need help with his things?” he asks, both of them stopping only a couple steps from the front door. She shakes her head sadly.
“He only has a shopping bag. Mr. Albertson wouldn’t allow him to take his school backpack or anything other than the clothes he arrived in a year ago,” she explains, “I’m so sorry. I know the financial burden this puts on you and Patton but I just didn’t want to do anything that would upset him and make him change his mind.” She continues to the car, Roman turning back to Patton who overheard the entire conversation. They exchange a look, neither saying a word, but knowing exactly what the other is thinking.
They watch silently as Logan gets out of the car, Ana’s warning not near enough. Patton finds himself fighting an audible gasp. Logan looks like he’s not eaten in forever, his clothes too big, his skin paler than before, his eyes semi-shielded by the glasses Patton gave him though he can see the dark circles underneath them. Logan grabs his small plastic bag and walks up to them, reaching his hand out in greeting.
“Hello, Mr. Patton, Mr. Roman,” he says politely.
Patton takes his hand, feeling how boney and light it is. He wants to hug him but he knows Logan’s very resistant to touch unless he initiates it. Patton does notice bruising on his arm, trying to remind himself that it could be from playing and to not jump to conclusions but given Logan’s eating habits, or lack thereof, it’s hard. “Heya kiddo, welcome home!”
“For the time being,” Logan replies solemnly, pulling his hand back and offering it to Roman who shakes it.
“If you mean, time being as forever, then you’re right,” Patton says, “Would you like a tour?”
Logan nods once, Patton excitedly grabbing his hand. He sees Logan flinch, his body going rigid for a second before holding tightly to Patton’s hand and following. Patton knows Ana doesn’t know much about Logan’s physical abuse. She’s surmised things, but nothing Logan will admit to. Patton, being a teacher, picked up on it almost instantly. Logan’s mannerisms and self-talk mirroring many of the children Patton’s come in contact with. Patton’s tried speaking to Roman about his suspicions but seeing as abuse wasn’t part of his world—until his father beat him for coming out—and it certainly isn’t a part of his world now, Roman’s hesitant to believe. Though, Patton’s sure after seeing this, Roman will be a little more open to it all.
Patton musters as much excitement as he can as he walks Logan through the house, showing each room, Ana leaving somewhere between their and Logan’s bedroom. Logan’s silent the whole time, only placing his plastic bag down when Roman insists he leave it in his new room.
“We can paint it any color you want, kiddo,” Patton says as Logan releases his hand to walk into his bedroom. The walls are gray now, bare, a simple blue bed set on his bed. There’s a couple of bookshelves and a desk on the opposite wall. “And if you don’t like the way it’s set up, Mr. Roman’s really good at moving furniture.”
“They call me the prince of feng shui,” Roman adds.
Logan looks around the room, nodding once, before moving back to Patton’s side and grasping his hand. Patton quickly looks at Roman who smiles at him then back down at Logan. “Hey, you hungry?” Patton asks softly, “I made honey chicken and mashed potatoes and peas and carrots because I wasn’t sure which you’d like better. Oh! And for dessert I made us cupcakes!”
Logan looks down at the floor, his grip tightening momentarily before nodding.
“Wonderful! I’m hungry too!” Patton says, leading Logan to the kitchen. The table is full of bowls and serving dishes, their places already set. He motions for Roman to sit, hopefully making Logan a little more comfortable, then pulls the chair out in front of them for Logan. “Go ahead, kiddo, this is your spot.”
Logan nods and sits, though he doesn’t let go of Patton’s hand. Patton doesn’t fight it, standing next to him. He falls quickly into his dad role, serving Logan a piece of chicken, a scoop of potatoes, but stops when it come to the vegetable. “Would you like peas or carrots, or both?” he asks gently, “Carrots are Mr. Roman’s favorite and well, I like all vegetables myself so it’s definitely a tough choice.”
“I-I do not know. I have had neither.”
Neither? Vegetables are part of a healthy diet for any kid, how can, in 11 years, Logan not be exposed to carrots or peas? “Oh well, then you are in for a treat. How about you try both and tell me what you think!” Patton says scooping a little of each on his plate. “If you try one and don’t like them, that’s ok! You don’t have to eat them. But there ya go kiddo, a nice full plate. Go ahead and eat.”
Logan sits frozen, his head bowed, his hand still tightly wrapped around Patton’s. Patton looks at Roman, unsure of what to do or say.
“You will come to find that Patton is the best cook in the entire town!” Roman adds, Patton motioning for him to eat. Roman quickly grabs the potatoes, slapping a spoonful on his plate and digs in, shoving a full spoon in his mouth. “Mmmm!”
Patton looks down at Logan who bites the inside of his cheek in contemplation. Patton knows—given his emaciated state—that he’s hungry. He probably didn’t eat today and while Patton knows he’s not the best cook ever, he’s pretty good at it. He just doesn’t understand what’s making Logan so hesitant.
Logan picks up his fork, then remembering he’s still holding Patton’s hand, looks up. Patton sees the confusion, Logan obviously hungry but his emotional needs preventing him from letting Patton go. “Go ahead and eat,” Patton repeats, squeezing his hand, “If you’re ok with it, maybe I could just hold your hand a little longer? I mean, so long as you don’t need your left hand to eat.”
Logan shakes his head and pulls his hand away. “I am sorry for being so childish. I will eat after both you and Mr. Roman have finished and are no longer hungry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I like holding your hand but what I’d like even more is if you ate. Poor Mr. Roman’s eating by himself,” Patton says hoping to stop Logan’s sad train of thought. He does as Logan implies, moving to his own seat and gathering his food.
Logan looks over at Roman who quickly shoves another spoonful of potatoes in his mouth, making his face look as sad as possible.
“Oh, woe is me…eating all by myself!” Roman says bringing his hand up to his forehead, spoon and all, pressing the back of his palm against his head, “I wish my family would join me.”
For the first time since he’s arrived, a small smile pulls at Logan’s lips making Patton’s heart soar. “I know we are not family but perhaps…I could join too?” Logan asks, his stomach letting out a loud growl.
“Not family? Pssh. You were my princeling the moment we met in that park,” Roman reassures, Logan taking the smallest bite possible of his food.
“Mrs. Albertson said you will not want me soon,” Logan says taking another incredibly small bite, “That I will mess up, like I always do, and you will have to give me back to them because they’re the only ones who can fix me.”
Roman, for the first time in his life, is rendered speechless. He doesn’t understand how adults can be so terrible to children when—from what he’s gathered—most children are inherently loving. His heart aches incredibly seeing the damage Logan’s life has inflicted on him so far. He glances over at Patton, who—for just a moment—looks as sad as Roman feels before he shuts it off, and smiles.
“You don’t need fixing…and I don’t think Mr. Roman or I could ever stand giving you back,” Patton says, hoping it’s what Logan needs to hear, “I love you too much to do that.”
Logan’s eyes widen for a moment before he continues eating slowly, cautiously. He doesn’t look at them anymore, doesn’t talk, hell, he barely moves. Patton can’t help but wonder if they hadn’t asked him to eat, would he have just sat there? They all sit in silence for at least 10 minutes, giving Logan a chance to get a good portion of his meal eaten before Patton tries talking again.
“So, Logan, what do you think? I’m sure you’ve had better potatoes, I kinda stink at making them, but I’m learning to get better!” Patton says, putting his used silverware down on his plate. He sees Logan’s finished everything he’s given him, which—honestly—he expected.
“It is all very good,” Logan says taking the last bite, “Thank you very much.”
“Would you like some more? I didn’t give you very much and today’s been an extra special day so I know you must be hungrier.” They’re lies, straight out lies but Patton doesn’t care. Logan’s body looks like it hasn’t had nutrition in weeks and Patton knows he can’t overfeed him without causing more damage. But the way Logan looks at the food laid out on the table; he can see how hungry he still is. Plus, Patton wants Logan to eventually be healthy, to look like a happy kid instead of the starved one he looks like now.
Logan looks at all the food, then back down at his hands. “I…you permit seconds?”
“And thirds, and fourths!” Roman chimes in, “Once I challenged Patton to an eat off. I had 5 servings that night and won by a landslide!”
“He also ended up puking,” Patton chuckles, “But Mr. Roman’s right. You eat as many servings as you want until you’re full.”
Logan doesn’t move and for a moment, Patton’s sure he’s said the wrong thing but then he sees the tiniest quake in Logan’s shoulders. He quickly moves to his side, bending down and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Oh, Logan, I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
Logan wipes furiously at his face, trying to stop his slight crying. “N-no, you are not bad I am. Boys do not cry or ask for more. I-I am sorry.”
Patton knows he shouldn’t touch him. Ana’s warned him and even if she didn’t go into too much detail, Patton can assume why considering the marks on Logan’s skin. But he can’t help it. He can’t sit here and let his son, with all these terrible inner thoughts, think that his feelings and needs made him bad. He gently wraps an arm around Logan’s shoulders, the boy tensing. “You are not bad for feeling things, for needing things. That makes you human,” Patton whispers, “I don’t know what it was like where you used to live…or how their rules were but here, here it’s ok to feel things and—and be hungry. That’s why you’re upset, isn’t it?” He knows it’s only a small part of Logan’s inner turmoil, but he figures showing Logan that it’s ok to be upset at something small would begin to build his trust so that in the future he’d share bigger emotions.
Logan nods, continuing to wipe the tears running down his face.
“In your old home, no matter how hungry you were, you could only have one serving?” Patton guesses making Logan nod. But this time, he seems to trust Patton enough to speak.
“Wh-when I was bad, I would have to go to the c-closet and watch m-my family eat. I-I could not partake.”
A closet? Why was he in a closet? Patton’s not sure he wants to know the answer but he asks anyway. “A closet?”
Logan nods. “It is the t-time out c-closet. You o-only go in when y-you are v-very bad.”
“Oh,” Patton says softly.
Logan quickly looks up at Patton almost guiltily. “But i-it was my fault. I was v-very bad a lot…especially after we met in the p-park…”
Based off his appearance, Patton can almost guess the answer to his next question but this is the most Logan’s spoken to them today. “How much is a lot, kiddo?”
“You will be d-disappointed,” Logan whispers breaking eye contact and staring down at his own hands, “I tr-tried to be e-extra good so I c-could see you but…I was b-bad e-every day.”
Patton hears a small gasp from Roman, his own heart plummeting. His suspicions are right. The bruises on Logan’s arms, his gaunt appearance, this time out closet, the Albertsons were abusing him and were getting away with it. “Oh, Logan that’s awful. I am so sorry that Mr. Albertson did th…”
Logan looks at him and shakes his head vehemently. “No, Mr. P-Patton you d-do not understand. I-I am bad. I deserved it. M-Mr. Albertson is good…he…he is a judge and he knows the best ways t-to make bad guys good. He w-was helping me.”
Patton hears Roman’s chair scoot across the floor, Roman leaving the room, his hand in front of his mouth. Patton knows how he’s feeling, how crushing it is to hear this. They both knew and were prepared for what they knew of Logan’s issues. Abandonment, anger, the inability to handle deep and complex emotions. They’d read books, talked to various sources that could offer proper guidance but they hadn’t planned for this. For emotional, mental, and physical abuse. Patton’s seen it before, sadly, having worked with children for so long. He’s seen and read some terrible things about the children charged to his care. He’s also called the authorities on families whose children would finally share their pain.
But Roman? Roman’s not ever been around this, and to hear it, firsthand, from a child that’s experienced it, to hear the way they view the monsters that hurt them, it’s not easy.
Patton looks back to Logan, who’s still wiping his eyes, his tears unwilling to stop. Patton takes a deep breath. “Mr. Roman and I want to help you too, ok? But…not like Mr. Albertson, never like Mr. Albertson. Sometimes, even the best adults, make terrible choices.”
“Not Mr. Albertson. I was the bad one, I had to learn. My b-brothers were good, really good. That’s why they didn’t g-go in the closet,” Logan argues shaking his head, his fist clenching and hitting his own knee. “I-I can go in your c-closet. I s-saw it n-next to my r-room when you gave me the t-tour. I will be very quiet and v-very good and I-I am sorry f-for crying and m-making Mr. Roman u-upset and e-eating.”
Patton can tell Logan’s spiraling, his emotions swirling as he tries to adapt to his new life. His words come out faster, more broken, his breathing quickening. Patton has to stop this. They had the rest of their lives to help Logan, and this isn’t helping him. Patton places one hand over the boy’s fist, gently stopping it. “You have been nothing but good since you got here, kiddo,” he reassures, “You’ve been polite and kind, you even ate those mashed potatoes even though I’m sure I messed ‘em up.”
“Y-you are a g-good cook,” Logan says…well more like cries. Patton can’t stop himself and pulls the boy into his arms, holding him tightly against his chest. “I-I am sorry, please, I don’t w-want to go to the c-closet.”
“It’s ok, Logan, it is,” he says, Logan’s arms slowly coming up and wrapping around him, “It’s ok to be hungry and want more. It’s ok to talk to us at dinner. It’s ok that you didn’t know and you’re still a little confused on how we do things here. It’s all ok.”
Was it ok, though? Would it ever be? This is their first meal together and the abuse they were never told about is all Logan thinks about. How could they even begin to make this better for him? The poor child is so damaged, so hurt, and it's clear that Logan needs help, more help than Patton's sure he can give. He's way out of his depth here, so much so that he doesn't even know where to start.
Patton can feel Logan's shoulders as they quake against him, can hear his sobs as he tries to soothe himself. Before he can calm himself or think of the right thing to say, Logan pushes himself out of Patton's embrace and darts down the hallway. Patton stands, quickly, waiting to hear the sound of the bedroom door shut but instead hears the squeak of the closet doors rolling open.