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“look, if i said anything that pissed you off that bad today, i really am sorry,” kaeya said, continuing his pace across diluc’s bedroom floor. diluc was getting dizzy just watching him.
“i know things were bad- are, are bad,” kaeya begins.
“you don’t have to-“ diluc tries to put a hand on kaeya’s arm, to at least slow him down. the other hand is firmly on his claymore, sitting on his bed next to him.
kaeya snatches his arm back and continues. “you can talk to me, you know that right? we may hate eachother’s guts, but i never intended-“
“kaeya, you didn’t-“
“-i mean, i know you’ve had these problems before but-“
“that’s not-“
“- you have places you can go, yknow-“
“kaeya,” diluc stands in front of him, holding him in place for a moment so he would just stop and listen.
kaeya stills and his voice dies mid sentence, looking diluc in the eyes. diluc, on the other hand, can’t bear to look kaeya in the eyes, and looks at the claymore instead. the golden lamplight adds a sheen to its metal blade.
diluc takes a breath in, and then lets it out.
“this isn’t your fault. i made this decision myself, it had nothing to do with you, alright?” he put extra emphasis on the last word. he looked back, and could already see the gears turning behind his eye.
“alright,” kaeya said softly. “alright.”
he sat down on the bed, leaning slightly to the side as if dizzy. diluc sat next to him, albeit awkwardly.
there’s a beat of silence, quiet enough to hear a pin drop.
kaeya is the first to break it.
“is this what you meant earlier? by going away permanently?” he says. there’s something in his posture, in the way he looks ahead blankly, in the fragility of his voice- that made diluc falter.
“yes,” diluc says firmly. he looks away from kaeya. he can’t do this. “i thought it would be better for everyone if you thought i just left again.”
kaeya doesn’t say anything for a moment, just lets out a small sigh. the air feels thin.
“when did it get this bad?” he asks quietly.
diluc thinks about that for a moment, but his mind is hazy at best right now.
“i dont… i dont really wanna talk about that right now.”
kaeya looks at him suddenly, and there’s something etched in his eye that diluc hasn’t seen in years- worry.
“diluc, i just walked in on you about to shank yourself with your own weapon,” his voice cracks.
“but i didn’t.” diluc says before he can finish. he doesn’t wanna hear it, the yelling, the disappointment. he could already hear crepus’s voice in his head, calling him obscenities for not being strong enough to finish the job or find a way out. he can’t do it, not again.
“why, then?” kaeya raises his voice, and diluc already knows what is coming. he puts his hands over his ears, and shuts his eyes tight, he doesn’t even care if kaeya yells at him for that to, then so be it.
a minute passes.
when diluc opens his eyes hesitantly, he sees kaeya squatting in front of him, more worried than before.
“luc?”
shit.
the volume had gone from kaeya’s voice, but diluc keeps his hands firmly in place.
he can’t do this, archons above he can’t.
there are tears at the corners of his eyes, he knows that. there’s the choking feeling in his throat, and the urge to curl up into himself and block kaeya out entirely. he takes a shuddering breath. no, he is a ragnvindr. a son of crepus. he is not a pussy, and he will not cry in front of a knight of favonius, former brother or not.
crepus would be a little prouder if he could see how well diluc keeps himself under control, he thinks.
kaeya stands still for a moment. and before diluc can object, kaeya has his arms around his brother, sitting on the bed beside him as diluc leans into his knees and puts his hands over his head.
“i’m sorry,” diluc mumbles between muffled sobs. “i can’t do this.”
kaeya gently places diluc’s head on his shoulder, and hugs him tightly. something about it feels so… wrong. diluc is the older brother, he should be the one who’s comforting kaeya, not the other way around. he can fix this, he knows, if he tries harder, pulls himself together and find some way to make it up to kaeya, he can fix this. because kaeya had to see diluc in that state, vulnerable and about to take his own life, and in diluc’s heart that feels almost as unforgivable as the events of his 18th birthday.
crepus would hate him, if crepus was watching from beyond.
hate me for hurting kaeya. hate me for being a shitty excuse of an older brother. for not getting better. for breaking down. for being so weak. for being such a pussy that i couldn’t even-
“can we talk about it, diluc?” kaeya sniffs suddenly. “please?”
it’s a plea if anything. diluc nods against kaeya’s shoulder.
he leans back so he can talk properly, wiping his nose on his shirtsleeve. he sees the dark stain where tears, sweat and snot have smudged on the fabric.
“i’m sorry,” he begins with a shaky breath. “i didn’t want to… hurt anyone. i was going to do it in the woods, so you’d think i was attacked on the way out or never even find the body but i couldn’t sneak out without anyone seeing tonight.” he leaves out the feeling of something holding him back from leaving. probably unimportant.
kaeya nods, hand over his mouth and eye glistening slightly.
“i… i knew everything would be left in good hands. you are a captain, you’re probably the most trustworthy of the knights besides eula,” he said. “i know you’d take care of mondstat if i were. gone.”
“elzer knows the winery better than i do, and charles is an excellent bartender,” diluc smiled softly. “i’d be leaving everything in good hands.”
“what about you then?” kaeya interjects.
“what about me?”
“why… why do you think you don’t deserve to stay?” his voice falters and breaks, and diluc’s heart breaks with it. he could never stand it as a child when kaeya cried, and seeing him cry as an adult feels even worse somehow. another failure.
“i’m simply not needed,” diluc tilts his head down, the words muffled on his knee. he tried to think of a way to explain this in a way that wouldn’t lead to kaeya trying to get more involved, become more worried, or, worse, tell jean.
“what does that mean?”
and diluc feels emotion take over.
“it means i haven’t done anything to deserve this life. i’m a failure of a son, a brother, a captain, and an heir,” diluc shudders out. “the only way i can achieve retribution is by ending it.”
him and kaeya sit still for a moment. diluc is stunned he even said it out loud.
“there are other ways out,” kaeya says.
“why do you want to help me?” diluc can’t stop himself anymore. “why not just let me do it? i ruined your life, kaeya, i- i almost killed you. what reason could you have to not let me rot in wolvendom?”
diluc doesn’t look at kaeya. he knows he’s right; he doesn’t understand. there’s no reason for kaeya to care for him, not anymore.
“just because you hurt me doesn’t mean you deserve to die for it, idiot,” kaeya puts a hand on his back, moving in circles. it reminds diluc of something.
being young, sitting on his bed with his father’s large figure by his side. he was sobbing into his hands, over a similar matter to what he was in now. crepus said nothing, just rubbed circles on the boy’s back and stared off into the wall.
i should’ve just done it before he got here.
“i do, though,” diluc’s voice is hoarse. “i do.”
kaeya lets out another sigh.
“you know i’m not gonna just leave after this right?” he asks. he hasn’t broken the hug yet.
“why?”
“i need to know that you’re safe. i don’t trust you not to… do it when i leave.”
“please don’t tell jean.”
“we’ll see, okay?” kaeya lifts his hand and pulls back from the hug a bit, looking at diluc’s face.
“why don’t i just stay here for the night?” he smiles. “like when we slept in the same bed as kids. is that okay?”
diluc doesn’t say anything, just nods shakily.
“i’m not going anywhere diluc. i’m not leaving you,” he says, pulling diluc back into the hug.
“i’m sorry,” diluc says into kaeya’s shoulder.
“there’s nothing to be sorry for,” kaeya sighs. “i’m… i’m sorry i didn’t notice something was wrong sooner.”
“there was nothing you could’ve done to stop it.”
kaeya freezes. it takes diluc a second to realize what he said.
“i mean that in… the nicest possible way. don’t blame yourself for this,” his hands clench on kaeya’s shirt. “ever.”