Chapter Text
"Batman Doesn't Get Sick!" Yes, while Batman considered himself to be insanely healthy and fit with his 9-pack abs and had viewed himself as "A Crime Fighting Vigilante Who Is Like, Practically Invincible (Copyrighted by Batman)", he forgot one important thing: He's Bruce Wayne, not Batman. So while it would be "correct" in saying that "Batman Doesn't Get Sick!", it's the exact opposite when referring to Bruce Wayne.
Because Bruce Wayne, does in fact, get sick. Even if he won't admit it.
When he woke up, he legitimately thought he was poisoned the night prior, so his immediate thought was that he was dying, and not suffering the effects of the flu. Had he not been stubborn with himself before he went to bed, he probably could've taken some cold medicine that my might've had or had Alfred make him some green tea or even some orange juice to help make the symptoms not as severe. However, he didn't do that, because 'Batman Doesn't Get Sick"!
But again: Batman doesn't, but Bruce Wayne does.
He woke up to a monster headache, and could immediately feel that his throat and nostrils were clogged up. This time, he had an actual reason for not wanting to get out of bed. He turned his head at the clock and saw it was 1:36 p.m. He would have jumped in surprise if he was feeling better, since that was way to early for him. Like 3 hours early.
He crawled out of bed and turned on the bathroom light. When his eyes fully adjusted, because he's room was fairly dark due to his black out curtains, he notice just how pale he was. He tried brushing it off as he took a quick shower, which helped him a little bit, but it did no justice in getting rid of the pale skin and obvious fever he had. He didn't feel like getting fully dressed, so he got into a new set of pajamas and made his way downstairs. Alfred was cleaning the table and notice Bruce dragging himself in, presumably to have lunch, or rather a late breakfast.
"Master Bruce? You don't look so well, are you alright?" Alfred asked.
"Yeah, yeah." Bruce was in a daze and didn't pay attention to what Alfred was saying. "Yeah I'm totally, TOTALLY cool." He stumbled a bit both with his words and with his walking. If he kept telling himself that, then eventually it would be true. However, Alfred knew better, he practically raised him and knew all his habits when avoiding talking about his health or personal issues.
"Sir, you're paler than usual, your voice is much more raspier than usual, and you're sweating so much that I could mistake that as regular water, put cleaning soap on the ground, and mop the kitchen floor twice." That remark was a bit over the top, but Alfred wanted to get his point across. And to be fair, it wasn't full off the mark, Bruce looked terrible.
"Pfft, no way!" Bruce had tried to put on his best not sick voice and acted like nothing was wrong. It very much wasn't working. "Your-your eyes must be playing tricks on you. I must've-must've been poisoned last night. It will pass."
"Sir, I highly doubt that for numerous reasons, and that's not how poison works. If you were poisoned last night, we would've most definitely gotten you medical treatment, because you just can't ignore, "evade", or "hold off" the symptoms of getting poisoned. And you wouldn't be looking the way you do, or acting the way you are acting right now, which is a man trying very hard to hide his sickness."
"That's just, your opinion Alfred. You wouldn't know what it's like being poisoned. You're not Batman, who like, is more susceptible to being poisoned, A Crime Fighting Vigilante Who Is Like, Practically Invinnnciiblllle-" Bruce would've added his Copyright if he hadn't fell to the ground and nearly pass out.
"Master Bruce!" Alfred dropped his rag and ran by Bruce's side, checking if he was okay. Bruce groaned as he adjusted himself into Alfred's arms.
"Alfred, it's much more stronger poison than I *cough cough* thought" Even though Bruce said the word 'cough" he did had an actual coughing fit right after. "Tell Dick- Y-you know what, I'll call him in here. DIC-" He lost his voice to another coughing fit. Dick had already entered the room while he was trying to call for him.
"OH MY GOSH! PADRE!" He quickly ran over to his side.
"Dick." Bruce had whispered out " I need to tell you something important. Come closer" He said in a whisper as Dick got closer to him. "...Okay maybe that's a little too close, don't want it to be awkward-never mind actually it's fine. Anyways, Dick, mi hijo, carry out my legacy, and become me. Become Batman." He finished way too dramatically as he drifted asleep, all of the energy exhausted out of him.
Dick was teary eyed, "OH MY GOSH PADRE NOYOUCANTDOTHISTOMeeeeeeee!" He quickly squeezed out and making incomprehensible noises along with it.
"Master Dick, please calm down. He just fell a sleep, and he only has a fever, most likely the flu." He already knew it was just that, but due to the dramatization he would be lying if he said that he didn't doubt himself by simply saying that he was sick, so he did a quick pulse check, both reassuring himself and Dick.
".....OH okay! Whew! I thought he died!" Dick smiled. "But that's still TERRIBLE! He's sick, he told me that he never gets sick!"
"Well, Master Bruce is not infallible, he did get sick as a child. However, I will admit, it was never to this extent." Alfred looked down at Bruce, after his parents passing, he almost always kept in his room, yet surprisingly, it never affected his physical health. Maybe all that time in his room with no proper sunlight and having his windows closed caught up to him. Alfred picked up Bruce and stood up.
"Well, I'll put him on the couch for now, clean up his room and make it much more fresher and breathable in there. Open up the windows for a nice breeze and put him back in there so he can rest. I have some spare medicine. However it doesn't hurt to have extra." Alfred with one hand grabbed his personal wallet and handed it to Dick. "Here, will you be okay going to the store to buy things like ingredients for homemade soup and some fruits? Anything that can help him feel better, just steer clear from junk food."
Dick looked ecstatic, anything to help out his dad
"Of course Grandpa! I'll be extra careful and quick too." Alfred nodded, he knew Dick could handle himself, and he has his phone anyway so he was always in contact with him.
"Alright, I'll be waiting for you." Alfred nodded as he placed Bruce on the couch.
"I'll be back before you know it!" Dick called out as he ran towards the door, closing it behind him as he took off towards the nearest convenience store.
***
Joker and Harley were on their way to do some casual shopping, mostly clothes shopping. They normally would just tailor their outfits personally with some fabric or get them professionally made, but this time around, Harley wanted to get a casual everyday outfit for her casual date with Poison Ivy.
"I should probably stick to something not too flashy right?" Harley looked over at Joker as he was driving.
"Girl-buddy, you do what your heart desires, but so what if it's flashy anyways? You can make any outfit look good."
"Well I know but I don't want it to seem all over bearing, it's going to be a casual date." Harley had a mix of doubt and worry in her voice.
"Listen, I'll support whatever you wear just as long as you're okay with-Hmm?" Joker took a glance out of Harley's window, just as they were passing a figure walking by. "Hey Harls, isn't that little Robin back there? You know, Dick?" He pointed back behind Harley, to where she turned her head.
"...Oh it is. Should we see what he's doing?" Dick wasn't with Bruce or Alfred, and while maybe he was just doing his own thing, he looked apprehensive, but determined while typing something into his phone.
"I mean I don't see why not." He put his car in reverse to get right beside Dick, and as he got closer, Harley rolled down her window and called out to him.
"Heya, Dick! Whatcha doing?" Dick looked up from his phone, and his face immediately lit up with glee.
"Oh, HI HARLS! HI MR.J!" He ran over to the car window. Ironically, over the many 'fights' they did have, they became good friends, especially Harley and Dick. "What are you guys up to?"
"Oh we're just going out shopping for Harley for some super casual but maybe super flashy date clothes. She's going out with Ivy later on this week." Joker answered
"Oh that's cute! I hope the date is fun!"
"Thanks, Dick. What are you doing?" Harley asked Dick the same question.
"Oh I'm walking to the nearest store. BatDad is really sick and-." Joker immediately cut him off.
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah I guess he started feeling bad last night and it's just showing today, so I'm just-" Dick felt Joker grab his shoulders, he apparently didn't hear him get out of the car.
"IS HE OKAY?! IS HE THROWING UP?! HE DIDNT PASS OUT DID HE?! OH MY G-O-S-H, HE TOTALLY DID PASS OUT DIDN"T HE?!" Joker was hyperventilating at this point, and he too was ready to pass out, both from the idea that his greatest enemy was sick, and from the aforementioned hyperventilating. Harley got out of the car and started to pat Joker on his shoulders.
"Woah, woah, woah, Mr. J! It's okay, deep breaths. Maybe do your meditation exercises?" Harley offered.
"You're right, you're right, Girl-Buddy! I'm sorry Dick, lemme just-" He took a few steps off to the side and plopped himself into a crisscross sitting position and started to take some deep breaths. Harley and Dick immediately followed suit, and sat in a circle. After a few moments, Joker let out one last deep breath. "-Okay, okay! I'm better, doin' better now." He stood back up, along with Harley and Dick.
"Now, I know I just did those exercises, but Harley, if I may, I do wanna let loose one more time."
"Fine by me, J. Is that okay with you, Robin?" She turned over to face him.
"Oh, of course! Go ahead!" Dick nodded
"Thank you, thank you, I appreciate it." He took a deep breath in one more time. "...You know what, I-I thought I had enough energy to yell, but like, the meditation took it out of me. But just know that I am internally screaming and yelling all my words." Harley and Dick both nodded and gave small reassurances as Joker spoke. "Any who! Uh, yeah, that is very worrisome, I've never seen Batsy get sick, and quite frankly, I just can't sit here knowing that information, if I'm being honest."
'Ya darn right!" Harley spoke up and looked back at Dick. "Kid, do you need a ride? We'll all go together."
"Oh I was just gonna suggest that! But I don't wanna impose on your outing as well, getting date clothes and all." Dick rubbed that back of his head.
"Oh it's no trouble, it's not until Saturday, it'll be fine." Harley reassured him, and then Joker cleared his throat.
"Then that settles it! We're gonna all go get him the things that he needs to feel better!" He ran over to the driver side. 'Everybody get in!" He closed the car door and waited for everyone to be settled in. "And fasten your seatbelts, of course I won't go that fast cuz, like, I don't wanna get arrested before I hadn't had a chance to help out Batsy." He then looked back over to Dick. "And of course since you're here too, Dick, I don't wanna give you a concussion or put you in danger."
"Cool, cool, cool!" Dick gave two thumbs up as he finished getting his seatbelt on, remembering the last time he didn't have a seat belt in the Batmobile for some time, road safety isn't a joke. Once everyone was settled in, Joker started the car and took off to the nearest convenience store.
***
The store was rather quiet, everyone getting what they needed or just working their shifts. Almost immediately, that peace was disrupted when Joker walked through the automatic doors. Some turned their heads, to see what he was going to do.
"EVERYONE!" Just about everyone in the area gave their undivided attention.
"YOU ALL!" Some were started to look concerned or frightened by now.
"NEED!" The worry began to spread a bit more, and some started to reach either for their phones to call the cops or grab their wallets.
"...To please move I'm gay and Batsy needs me. Wow that yelling took a lot out of me Harls." Most had a mixed reaction of confusion and relief, and in the distance you could someone saying 'Oh, he's back at it.' Joker calmly grabbed a cart. "Sorry everyone, I just thought you all should know that, you can go about your business, sorry for the disruption!" The quiet murmurs and chit chat started up again, all of them figuring that if he's giving his attention to Batman, but he's not attacking or robbing anyone, then it was fine. Dick turned to look at Harley.
"But uh...Mr. J and Batdad aren't even in a relation-" Harley ushered him to be more quiet.
"I know, I know, but we can't really stop Mr. J when he's like this." Harley explained. Everyone knew that the 'relationship' they both had was...complicated, but they knew better than just to ask either of them outright what was going on between them.
After walking around the store for about ten minutes, the cart was soon filled up with ingredients to make some chicken noodle soup, cough syrup, orange juice, and some regular oranges as well. Joker also went to the dvd section to see if he could find any romcoms that he may or may not have had, as well as a heating pad, just in case he was in any pain. Feeling satisfied, the three of them walked over to self checkout and began paying for the groceries. They got everything bagged up, and went out back to their car to put away their items, placed their cart back, and made their way back towards Wayne manor.
***
Once Alfred finished getting Bruce's room set up and helped him into his bed, he went back downstairs. He thought he could hear a car being parked in the driveway, but the sound was quickly replaced with footsteps running up towards the door.
"HONEY WE'RE-" Alfred could hear a muffled Joker speaking, then immediately falling to the ground because he ran into the door. Two more pairs of footsteps were right behind him.
"You okay, J?" Alfred deduced it was Harley who was speaking.
"Yeah, yeah. I thought the door was a push."
"I mean it still has the handle, Mr. J."
"I still have to unlock it you guys!" Alfred was relieved to hear Dick on the other side of the door, and he didn't sound like he was in any danger either, so he figured this was a friendly visit, most definitely to check up on Bruce's well being. Alfred heard his keys jangling, until finally the door was unlocked. Joker waltz inside and started to call out to Bruce.
"HON-" Alfred immediately placed a finger over Joker's mouth, ushering him to be silent.
"He's asleep upstairs right now, but your yelling will definitely echo throughout the manor, and I don't suppose you want to wake him up abruptly, yes?" Joker nodded.
"...Honey we're home..." Joker whispered, and Alfred nodded in approval and thanked him. Joker took a look around the manor, taking in the view. 'So, this is your mansion from the inside? Nice, nice. I'm starting to remember what it looks like from when I took over it that one time." Joker giggled, thinking back fondly at the memory. 'Now, may I ask where Batsy's room is~?" He asked in a singsong voice.
"Follow me, I'll show you to Master Bruce's room." He started to lead Joker upstairs, "Master Dick, if you could start putting away the groceries and make your father some soup, that would be great. Miss Quinn, it would also be a great help if you pitched in as well, please, I'll join you two in a minute to help." Dick yelled back 'okay' and led Harley into the kitchen to get soup prepped. As Joker and Alfred walked upstairs, Joker really started to take the manor in, he never really noticed how massive and immaculate it was. They eventually got to Bruce's door, and Alfred stood in front of it to address Joker before they went in there.
"I don't doubt that you'll keep a good watchful eye on him, but try to stay be mostly quiet for him, he may have a headache and probably wouldn't like any loud noises."
Joker gave a little salute and nodded, "You can count on me!" He whispered quietly, but exuded confidence.
Alfred chuckled and nodded in return, he did appreciate that Joker cared about Bruce, even if it was in a childlike way, but he knew he meant every word. He opened the door and motioned him that he could go in. Joker walked into the room and Alfred slightly closed the door, but left it open slightly. Joker looked around a saw that his bedroom was rather big, but had it's necessities, the windows were opened slightly as well, but the curtains were closed just enough to ensure that while there was natural lighting in the room, it wasn't too bright to disturb Bruce. He looked over to where Bruce was sleeping. Joker smiled, and tip-toed over to the edge of his bed and sat crisscrossed across from him. Joker watched him sleep and he has mouthed the words 'Hi Batsy.' and noted that he responded with a little movement. Joker sat there watching and smiling contently as he was sleeping surprisingly soundly. Around a half an hour later, Dick came in with a bowl of soup on a tray.
"Hey, Mr. Joker," he whispered and looked at Bruce. "Looks like Padre is extremely tired." Joker nodded in agreement and continued to watch him for a bit. Dick noticed the gleam in his eyes and saw how calm he was.
"...Would you...like to try to feed him soup?" Joker snapped backed into reality and looked at Dick.
"Oh uhhh...." He looked unsure, he didn't know why, it's just the task of feeding Bruce soup. "Um... I guess I could try?..."
"That's great, just make sure it's not too hot for him." He said as passed the tray to Joker. "I'll come check on you guys in a bit, I'm gonna hang out with Harley." Dick left the room with Joker looking slightly nervous. He immediately had doubt in his mind. He hasn't been inside Bruce's house informally, and he's only now realizing how feeding him soup was rather...'personal'? 'Intimate', even? Joker shook off the thought and tried to hype himself up. 'So what if it is? Normalize feeding your greatest enemy some soup to make them feel better!' Joker went over to the side of the bed where the nightstand was and waited for him to fully wake up.
"Ughhhhh.....hmmm?" Bruce sat himself up and rubbed his hand over his face. He then saw the Joker with a bowl of soup in his hands, smiling awkwardly.
"Hmm? Uh J-Bird?" He looked at him for a few seconds. "Why, when, and how did you get in my house?"
"Well Batsy Boy, I have lots of skills that you don't know about." He boasted confidently. "You see, I obtained valuable information about your well being and tracked down your exact coordinates and elevation about a half hour ago, and now I must feed you soup." That was somehow detailed but in the wrong way, but he got his point across. Bruce looked at the soup and made an annoyed face.
"No, Batman doesn't get sick or eat soup. I don't-ummfff!" Joker didn't want to hear any of it, he just wanted him better. He shoved a spoonful of soup into his mouth. Once he swallowed that, he tried to get rid of the taste in his mouth, making exaggerated spewing noises.
"Wha-what are you trying to DO here?! I don't need this!" He whined and complained.
"Hush up- Hush UP. This will make you better, or at least make your sickness more tolerable. Now open your mouth again, you still have more soup." Joker grabbed another spoonful and was pointing towards Bruce.
"No, no, no, no. Nope!" He closed his mouth and was dead set on keeping it closed. Joker groaned in annoyance.
"Alrighty then!" Joker exclaimed dramatically. "CLEARLY, we need to have better communication and understanding between us! I bought you this soup and I expect you to at least have most of it...." He stopped for a moment, then with hesitation, he made his eyes all big watery. "I don't want my super greatest enemy to be sick. Blink, blink, blink, blinkity blink, blink, blink, blink."
Batman HATED when he did this. He didn't want this time to get to him but those eyes always make him feel really bad. He hesitated and finally grabbed the bowl with a small 'fine' and started eating. Joker grinned and whispered 'Yahtzee' underneath his breath. Batman rolled his eyes and continued to eat in silence. He finished the bowl for the most part, but eventually got more and more drowsy by the minute. After yawning for a few more times, Joker decided to take the bowl from Bruce and place it on the nightstand. Bruce dropped into the pillows and was close to falling asleep. Joker was planning to at least go to the living and stay for a bit longer, but he didn't want Bruce by himself. So Joker crawled to the other side of Bruce and sat right next to him, crisscrossing his legs once more. Bruce felt his body right next to him and glanced over at him, but ultimately, he was too tired too object or make a comment on it, and just turned the other way fall asleep. Joker kept watching him and he too was nearly close to falling asleep. Joker decided to lay down next to him, keeping his distance enough so that Bruce didn't feel crowded. Bruce could here him shuffle next to him, and this time wanted to say something, but Joker already started talking.
"Your sickness is making you imagine this. I'm not laying next to you, heck, I'm just a disembodied voice! Don't worry about it." Bruce wanted to say something but he knew it would be pointless. So he let Joker lay beside him, eventually drifting off into sleep
***
Alfred went back upstairs to check on Bruce to see if he was feeling any better. He lightly knocked on the door waiting for an answer. When none came, he assumed it was because the Joker was to nervous to answer the door without waking up Bruce. He let himself in and didn't expect to see what he saw.
He saw the Joker, known throughout Gotham City as "The Clown Prince of Crime", sleeping right next to Bruce, also known as Batman, was also known as "The Dark Knight" or as Bruce will also call himself, "A Crime Fighting Vigilante Who Is Like, Practically Invincible (Copyrighted by Batman)". Bruce was facing Joker, and had his hand out on the pillow, while Joker was holding it as they slept. Alfred got a truly happy smile and picked up Bruce's bowl and decided to leave without saying a word. He knew this was a terrible thought, but if getting sick was one way to get Bruce in more meaningful contact with others that he cared about in some way, then he hoped he got sick more often.