Chapter Text
To say that it was strange was like to say nothing at all. To sit across from a man wearing your own face, looking so similar yet so endlessly different.
Dean couldn’t really look at his double. He couldn’t take his eyes away from him either.
This Dean - other Dean - was like a new planet, completely new and undiscovered, full of secrets and nuances Dean was afraid to learn. Dean didn’t know what to expect from him - the more he talked, the less Dean knew about him.
He dressed very differently - all pastel colors, almost a monochromatic look. You could tell he was used to putting effort into his appearance - something Dean couldn’t be bothered with for years now. Same with his hair. It looked...flatter, but not in a bad way. His hair was shining with health and expensive products, the pleasant floral smell reaching Dean even from across the table. Dean didn’t want to like it. But he did.
The differences didn’t stop at the appearance of the guest. The way the other Dean carried himself made the contrast between them more noticeable than any clothes or shampoo ever could.
He smiled. A lot. A lot more than Dean did. He chuckled halfway through his stories, his eyes lit up with excitement. Dean listened to him - burying every word he was saying inside - and tried to find similarities instead of differences now.
Do I smile like that too?
Do I talk with my hands?
Does my Sam look at me the same way this one looks at this Dean?
Are my eyes as bright is my skin as clear am i this light am this pure am i
“Sam?”
4 heads turned to the main entrance of the bunker. All four people recognized immediately whom the voice belonged to.
“Hey, Cas,” Sam called out, “We’re in the library,”
Dean turned away from the hallway as Cas walked in. Instead, he looked at his double, who was suddenly getting paler with every second.
“I guess we have some explaining to do,” Sam said, chuckling weakly, as Cas’s steps stopped halfway through the room.
The other Dean stared at Cas. His eyes, already at least twice as wide as usual, were welling up.
“Is it Chuck’s doing?” was all Cas asked and Dean could see his alternate version shivering.
“You’re okay?” the other Sam put his hand on his brother’s shoulder and asked quietly.
Dean wasn’t delusional enough to convince himself that he had The Other Dean completely figured out over one conversation, but it was still weird seeing his demeanor shift like that. He looked smaller, with his hands squeezing the edge of the table and his lips pressed together in a thin line. His eyes were glued to Cas and when the angel looked back at him, he rose from his chair almost kicking it over and rushed to him.
His instincts were telling Dean to stop this stranger before he gets to Cas, whatever it is he was going to do to him, but before Dean could react, the angel was already gathered in the arms of an apparently braver version of Dean Winchester.
“Cas,” he whispered. Cas himself seemed as uncomfortable and bewildered as the real Winchester brothers were, but didn’t push the man away. Not when he hugged him closer, not when he started crying.
Soon, after at least half a minute of the most awkward silence Dean ever had to experience mixed with a rush of jealousy that he had to push down, The Other Dean finally let go.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He kept stroking over Cas’s coat, in a failing attempt to straighten it out, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened to me,” he said, trying to laugh it off, but his red eyes and shaky lips told a different story.
“Are you okay?” Cas asked him and after freezing for a second, The Other Dean shook his head
“You look...you look just like him,” he whispered and ran out of the room, trying to outrun the sobs finding their way out of his chest.
For a few seconds Cas didn’t move. He followed the man out with his eyes and then looked at the table. Purposely avoiding Dean, he stared at Sam, waiting for an explanation.
“So, basically…,” Sam started
“I’m gonna go check in on Dean,” The Other Sam said, but Dean cut him off
“Sit, I’ll talk to him,” Dean got up, “Fill him in,” he said to Sam nodding at Cas.
Thankfully, The Other Dean didn’t know the bunker well enough to actually hide in it, and Dean found him in the kitchen. With a glass of water ( water?!) in his hand, he stood there, his eyes on the ground.
“You’re okay, man?” Dean asked, startling his double
“Sorry,” he said, putting the glass on the table, “I apologize for what happened there. It’s been a weird few hours, I didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable,”
“No one is uncomfortable,” Dean lied. He moved closer to his guest, “You don’t have to talk about it with me, but I’m assuming your Cas is…,”
“Dead,” The Other Dean finished his thought for him, “Yes,”
“I’m sorry,”
He nodded. Dean didn’t expect him to actually talk about his Cas or what happened to him. They may wear different clothes and have different levels of regard when it comes to self care, but the man in front of him was still supposed to be Dean Winchester. And Dean knew exactly what he gets like when he’s grieving.
“It was 2 years ago now,” The Other Dean started, “Still feels like it just happened,” his eyes were tearing up again, but he made an effort to contain himself.
“How?” Dean asked
“A hunt,” he scoffed, “Cas was human. But just as reckless,”
“Human?”
“Yeah. Long story,” he said, “He had to give his grace up to save me,”
“And he did it?” Dean asked
“Yours wouldn’t?” for the first time that night The Other Dean looked him directly in the eyes. And as strange as it was - having your own eyes stare into you with this much pain in them, Dean knew exactly what he meant. So he didn’t say anything.
“I just miss him,” The Other Dean said instead, “I just miss him so much. Every day. And seeing him again, even though it’s not really him, I just...I couldn’t,” Dean put his hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, man. I know what it’s like,”
“Do you now?” The Other Dean shook his hand off
“I know what it’s like to lose people. To lose Cas too. He died on me one time too many, alright?” Dean didn’t really know where his anger suddenly came from. He hated thinking about things like that, hated when someone (Cas) brings up (his) deaths, hated.
“He always came back, though, didn’t he? Mine never will. Ever,” he covered his face with his hands. Dean didn’t know what to do to help him anymore. So he just stood there, waiting for him to calm down.
“How did you two meet?” Dean asked soon
“He saved me,” The Other Dean said through a sigh, “12 years ago. He had some business on Earth and I managed to get myself into a vampire nest in the same town,” he said, “Cas cleaned it out. One snap and they’re all gone,” he smiled slightly, “We became friends, met whenever he’d come down from Heaven. He’d help on hunts, took out the freaks we couldn’t. Then he decided to stay,” The Other Dean said. A soft half-smile played on his lips, he kept fidgeting a ring on his finger, “6 years later we were married,”
Dean nodded. And then the words actually reached his brain.
“ What?” he asked
“What?”
“You married Cas?”
“Yes?” he raised his hand, showing off a simple golden band around his finger.
“You married Cas? And Cas married you?”
“Yes, it was a mutual type of thing,”
Dean looked down. The room suddenly started spinning and Dean had a strong feeling it was all just a dream.
“Dean, you’re alright?” he heard his own voice ask him
“You married Cas. And now he’s gone,”
“I thought you knew,”
“How could I possibly know?” Dean asked, a bit too loud
“I thought you were...nevermind,” The Other Dean took a step away from him
“You thought what? Huh?” he asked
“It doesn’t matter,” he said,
“You thought I was with him, right? That we were together too?”
The Other Dean sighed.
“I assumed. I shouldn’t have, but I...I can’t really imagine a universe where I don’t love him,” he said, “I’m sorry, Dean,”
Dean didn’t know what to say to that. What could anyone say to that? He just stared at the floor and thought about the angel in his library. How shocked he was at the affection The Other Dean gave him. How he wouldn’t look at the real Dean. How he didn’t even say a word to him and how he hates him.
“Cas is my best friend,” Dean said. Maybe to make his double stop staring at him with those sympathetic puppy eyes, maybe to convince himself, “He’s my family,”
“I know,” The Other Dean said, “But...is everything okay between you two?”
“Why?” Dean turned to him, defensive
“Well, I won’t compare your greetings to ours, but not even a ‘hello’? You didn’t even look at him,”
For a second Dean considered just telling him to mind his own business, but...if there’s anyone he could share things like that with, it had to be himself.
“We had a fight,” Dean said, “It was...stupid, but we haven’t been talking lately,”
The Other Dean didn’t say anything. He just looked at his glass of water and waited.
“Can I tell you something, Dean? Unless it makes you uncomfortable,” he said eventually
“Well, I won’t know if it makes me uncomfortable before you tell me, so just shoot,”
“Alright,” he sighed, “Cas and I used to fight a lot, back when we were just friends,” he said, “It was...every little thing. Whatever either of us did wrong, whatever was happening, it was like we were looking for a reason to fight. I would get jealous, but wouldn’t admit it, so I just took it out on him. We hurt each other a lot,” Dean knew exactly what he was talking about, but didn’t show it, “Things got better when we got together. Wanna know why? We stopped lying to each other, stopped keeping shit from each other, even if we wanted to “protect” each other,” he said, air-quotes and everything. Dean knew who he got that habit from.
“I know you two have different relationship, but I think you might have a similar problem,” The Other Dean said. And when Dean said nothing in return, he continued, “Wanna know my biggest regret in life? I don’t have many, just this one, really,”
“Just tell me,” Dean said
“I regret those years I wasted with him,” he said, “I think...I loved him since the day I met him. And yet it took me 5 years to tell him. Can you believe that? I wasted 5 years of our lives together,”
Dean closed his eyes.
I wasted 12.
“Were you two happy?” he asked, voice unexpectedly low, “Just...tell me about your life,”
The Other Dean took a deep breath, but granted Dean’s request.
“I was. I was happy. So was Cas, I think,” he said, “Cas never really belonged in Heaven, he couldn’t fit in. I was just happy to give him a home he always wanted,”
You can’t stay
“Tell me more,” Dean asked
“One year, a couple months after a wedding, we went travelling across the states. Just the two of us, the car and the road. We’d stop in cheap motels, ate at diners, solved some simple cases from time to time. It was like our honeymoon,”
“What, you didn’t go to Bali or something?” Dean asked, trying to sound smug, but the tears in his voice betrayed him
“Not that time, no,”
“What else?” Dean asked
“Well...A lot changed after Cas became human. It took a while for him to adjust, but soon he learned to like it. At least I hope so,” The Other Dean said, “He picked up a few hobbies. One spring he even worked as a history teacher in a local school,” he chuckled, “We were thinking about retiring,”
“Really?” Dean looked up after hearing what sounded like a confession
“Yeah. Sam wanted to keep working, so we wanted to leave the business to him and move on. See where life takes us,” Dean saw tears in his eyes and stopped pushing.
“I’m sorry, man. I’m so sorry,” he said.
“Yeah, well,” The Other Dean tried to collect himself, “I want you to remember something, Dean,” he said, “Any time you see him might be the last. That’s the truth. You got anything unsaid, say it. You have things to apologize for - do it. Even if it was his fault, you’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t,” he grabbed Dean’s shoulders, “I didn’t have any secrets from Cas and I still wonder what I would have done or said differently to him if I could. Don’t waste any more time, Dean. Don’t,”
Dean stared into his own eyes, they shone with tears and love greater than he could ever imagine. Dean didn’t think his eyes could ever look like that.