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Tobio sits quietly at the top of the staircase, listening to the yelling and scuffing of feet in the kitchen below. A loud smack, a curse, a pause, a strained voice. These sounds are not unfamiliar to Tobio. It’s been like that ever since four months ago. Tobio knows Tooru’s trying his hardest, he watches as he does his homework at the kitchen table, staring at the problems with the scorn of a thousand suns. Tooru always tries his best; which is why Tobio is always baffled when he hears:
“You’re not trying hard enough!” And “Tobio is getting better marks than you!”
To which Tooru replies: “Tobio’s two years younger than me, of course he is!”
And then something slams. More unintelligible shouts are thrown. Tobio doesn’t really understand why they’re fighting over his grades, or why Tooru and his mom get so upset when they do. He loves his mother, but he knows she can be a bit harsh and Tooru certainly hasn’t taken too well to her recently.
“I fucking hate you!” Tooru screams. Tobio winces.
“Don’t you dare eat my food, wear the clothes I bought you, and live under my roof speaking language like that! Don’t you dare say you hate me! You owe me that much!”
Tooru groans loudly, and Tobio can hear him marching towards the stairs. Quickly, Tobio scrambles up, ducking into his room and closing the door slightly, just enough so he could still eavesdrop.
“Oh please, Aimi, I haven’t owed you anything since dad died.” Tooru’s voice was at a normal level, but his tone was dark and Tobio could hear the crack in his voice. “Everyone knows you love Tobio more than me, and that’s fine, but could you not bring it up every time I see you?”
In that last sentence, his voice does break. A soft “Tooru, wait-“ was drowned out by the thumping of stairs being climbed. Tobio counted the steps Tooru took to get to his room and jumped at the loud slam of his door being shut.
Tobio waits by his own door, unsure of what to do with himself, when he hears soft sobbing downstairs. Tobio feels an urge to go comfort his mother, but he also doesn’t want to let her know she heard this argument.
So instead he sneaks across the hall to his brother’s room, pressing his ear to the door and listening.
Tooru’s taking deep breaths, like all the air is being squeezed out of his lungs, and he sounds so in pain that Tobio wants to burst through right then and comfort him. But something tells him to wait, so he does, heart racing in suspense. Tooru’s breathing becomes erratic, and soon Tobio’s hearing clashes, papers thrown, muffled screams filtered by the door. Tobio wonders briefly if he should call Iwaizumi. He seems to always know how to calm Tooru down.
Tobio, unlike Iwaizumi, rarely understood his brother. When their parents first got married, he was distant. But soon enough, he and Tooru got along and Tobio was really excited to have a brother around his age, opposed to his sister Miwa who is 26. He remembers that Tooru would take him for ice cream, or help him with his homework when needed (although he was often degrading, Tobio guessed that came with being a brother). They hung out as a family often, going to dinners and activities together. Tobio grew extremely fond of his step-dad, and they had a great relationship that gave him the father Tobio never had. Tooru and Aimi actually got along, and really well too. Tobio thinks that Tooru found the same parent figure in his mom that he had found in Tooru’s dad.
They were really starting to look like a true family.
Then Tooru’s dad died four months ago, and everything changed. Tobio and Aimi were heartbroken, but it ripped apart Tooru the most. Tooru became distant again, but now he was spiteful too. Tobio would ask to play or get ice cream but Tooru would dismiss him with a cold ‘no’. Whenever Tobio’s mother asks something of him he does it in contempt, and Tobio knows it’s tearing her up inside. He knows his mom loves Tooru like her own son. She just has a hard time expressing that, now more than ever, which leads to their fights that have been happening so often it scares Tobio.
So this time, Tobio wants to be the one to step up and help out. It’ll give him a chance to connect with his brother again, so maybe then they can go out for ice cream and play volleyball like they used to.
He mustered all the courage he could find in his 13-year-old body and slowly twisted the doorknob of the room. He gave it a gentle push, to find Tooru curled up on his bed, facing away from the door, sobbing. Tobio slowly enters the room, making sure not to make a sound other than the door creaking.
“Go away, Aimi.”
Tobio isn’t Aimi, so he takes that as an invitation to cautiously creep towards his brother. Tooru’s breathing starts to go haywire again, and he turns around on the bed with the rawest display of rage Tobio has ever seen.
“I said go away-“ He pauses when he sees Tobio like he’s a ghost with an incredibly horrid face. They stare at each other, and Tobio swallows when he hears Tooru’s fists clench so hard they pop.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Laced with absolute malice, the question left Tobio shaking where he stood. But, he’s not one to cower, so he wipes his sweaty palms, clutching onto the sides of the shorts he wore that day to muster up confidence.
“I- I’m here to cheer you up, T- Tooru,” Tobio manages, the nerves making him feel like he’d vomit. Tooru’s eyes widen, for just a fraction, before he laughs. The way it sent chills down Tobio’s spine told him it was not the good kind.
“Cheer me up?” Tooru buries his hands in his face. Tobio notices that he’s shaking. “You can’t possibly do that. You’re the reason for all my problems.”
That hurt a lot more than Tobio wanted it to, the words forcing memories of laughter to be replaced by the thought of being a burden to him. Tobio certainly didn’t want to put more pressure on Tooru than what was already being given. Caught off-guard but ultimately undeterred, Tobio tries again.
“I thought I could do something with my brother-“
The dark look in Tooru’s eyes cut him off immediately. Fear floods him, and with that, a stream of anguish out of the sudden knowledge of what he was going to say next- one of the few times he understood his brother completely.
“You’re not my brother.” Tooru stands, looming over Tobio. “You never will be. That woman downstairs is not my mother and she’ll never love me like she is. So drop it.”
Tobio’s eyes sting, harsh words settling into his heart and corrupting his thoughts. Blinded by sudden anger, he exclaims;
“But Tooru-“
He hears the impact before he feels it. Everything around his cheek is cold, then suddenly it’s burning hot, flaming as Tobio cradles his face. His legs work on their own, running out the room. He hears Tooru say “wait!” as he rushes down the halls, filtering out his desperate voice as he makes his way down the stairs. He flings the front door open, and he hears his mother’s voice too, but they don’t matter, none of them matter.
He just has to get out, out, out.
If Tooru didn’t want him, so be it.
Tobio doesn’t know how long he ran for, but somehow he ended up near the creek that flows upstream. Tooru used to tell him that if you followed the creek far enough you’d be able to reach the stars. Tobio believed him for quite a long time. Honestly, that belief still hasn’t completely faded.
He has half a mind to follow that creek upstream to see if it was true.
But he was exhausted from sprinting away, from emotions running high, the words spat at him like venom, the malice in Tooru’s voice that made it so clear he wanted nothing to do with him.
He slumps down against a tree, letting his head rest on the rough bark of the wood. His fingers play with the moss to distract from the pulsing pain of his cheek, letting the gross, slimy texture soothe him in a way it didn’t before. He recalls one hide and seek game that Tooru, Iwaizumi, and he played once. He always hid behind a tree because he was too scared to climb them like Iwaizumi did. Tooru would always find him first like he somehow knew which tree he was going to be behind. Tobio liked to think that it was like sibling telepathy; even though they weren’t related they still shared something anyway.
Now, Tobio wasn’t sure if they ever did.
As he allows his lids to fall softly over his eyes, the chirps of the cicadas and the rush of the stream lulling him to sleep, he wonders if Tooru will find him this time.
Or if he even wants to.
—x—
The silence in the car was thick, tension enough to cut with a knife. Tooru knew he was wrong. From the moment he felt the sting on his palm, he regretted everything immediately. He can only imagine how Tobio feels, now.
God , he’s an awful person.
“Are you sure he’s at the creek?” Aimi spoke barely above a whisper, as if afraid anything else would ensure her son wouldn’t be there.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Tooru murmured back, in a slightly louder tone. He’s not sure how he knows this- it’s just a feeling.
The car is silent again, which allows guilt to eat at Tooru. First, he knows Aimi doesn’t deserve this. She really has been trying her best for this broken family, and although Miwa and his older sister Himari help out, Aimi’s been swamped with work and one income doesn’t seem to be enough anymore. Raising two teenage boys is probably extremely hard, especially when you have someone as obnoxious as Tooru is. Although he was Tooru’s dad first, he was also Aimi’s husband, and the loss of him was devastating to her. Tooru knows she loved him and gave him the support Tooru couldn’t provide sometimes. And Tobio is Aimi’s son. Of course, she’s worried and she’s even more stressed and no doubt enraged that Tooru hit her son. He’s surprised she hasn’t kicked him out yet.
Second, he knows that Tobio will probably never forgive him. He thinks he’s fine with that, as long as he comes home safe.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, but loud enough that Aimi glances at him. “I shouldn’t have hit Tobio. This is all my fault.” He puts his head in his hands, tears threatening to spill out his eyes.
He expects yelling, a slap, or hell even a punch, but nothing comes. Then, so soft he can barely hear it:
“I forgive you.”
Tooru whips his head to look at her, searching for any insincerity, but she just keeps her eyes trained on the road, looking calm- although her hands are gripping the steering wheel.
“So, you’re not angry with me?”
She sighs. “Well Tooru, to be honest, I’m a little angry with you- but know I’d be the exact same way if Tobio hit you. I do not approve of physical violence, biological child or otherwise. Still, I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. This is between you boys.”
Tooru looks at his lap, eyes stinging. He can’t help but think Aimi’s still mad- not just for hitting Tobio, but for the words he spat earlier too.
“In fact, Tooru, I owe you an apology.” Aimi continues, reaching an arm out to rub Tooru’s back in firm circular motions. “I yelled at you when I absolutely shouldn’t have. Your grades are fine. You’re right, obviously you’re in a harder class than my son so of course you’d struggle more. Comparing you to Tobio was absolutely awful of me to do. And just because I give you a house and food doesn’t mean I’m allowed to act shitty to you.” She smiles sadly in his direction, and Tooru gives a snotty, thin-lipped snort back in acknowledgment and amusement that she cursed. “I’m so sorry.”
Tooru palms his eyes, trying to stop the crying he knows is going to come if he doesn’t. She sounds just like what he’d imagine a biological mother would sound like. Though Tooru never knew his mom, he’d imagine that she’d talk to him just like this if she had ever cared enough to stay in his life and not leave them for some other man. Aimi may not be his mom, but she’s the damn closest thing he’ll ever get to it.
“I forgive you.” Tooru smiles, “and for the record, I don’t hate you. I’m sorry I said that.”
Aimi smiled back, letting out a throaty, wet chuckle. Tooru watches tears spill from her eyes, snot dripping down her nose. She’s an ugly crier, but so is he, Tooru supposed.
They drive in silence again- mixed with sniffles and sighs every now and then- and this time the tension is lifted, and a new understanding of each other is formed.
Finally, they reached the entrance to the park that held the creek. Aimi parks right in front, taking a deep breath.
She moves her hand to clutch Tooru’s. “We can talk more when we get home. I’m tired of us fighting. I miss the old- ‘go out for ice cream on Sunday even though it’s a school night’- us.” Tooru gives a snotty laugh.
“Do you think we could work this out and go back to that?”
“Of course.”
“I love you, Tooru,”
Aimi has said it before, many times in fact, but it’s always been a brief ‘love you’, careful of Tooru’s feelings about not being his real mother. Tooru’s never felt the true sincerity in those words until now. It pierces his heart, but in a good way, like a fiery arrow that melts down his walls and leaves him open, defenseless. Long ago had Tooru accepted he’d never hear those words from his biological mother. Maybe he never needed to.
“I love you too, Mom.”
That was the first time he had ever called her mom. Aimi chokes, squeezing Tooru’s hand. She sucks in a gasp, chuckles, and moves across the armrest in the car to press a gentle kiss to Tooru’s forehead. Tooru beams. Aimi hasn’t kissed him in over four months, likely afraid of Tooru’s ill reaction.
Now all Tooru needed to figure out was how to get Tobio to come back.
—x—
Tobio wakes to a figure kneeling in front of him, gently touching his shoulder. Tobio, startled, sits up- then immediately recognizes the outline of hair. It was Tooru. He found him.
Then Tobio tensed again, because being found doesn’t mean being wanted.
“Hey, Tobio-Chan,” Tooru murmured, and all malice that was there in his room dissolved in his soft, affectionate tone. Tooru hadn’t used that nickname for him since his dad’s death.
Tobio doesn’t respond, not wanting to give Tooru satisfaction. He crosses his arms, biting his cheek and looking away.
“Tobio-Chan, please look at me,” Tooru pleads, soft tone getting desperate. Tobio, out of curiosity, turns his head, looking his brother dead in the eyes. Now they’re a soft, chocolate brown instead of the hard, muddy color they were when enraged. “You don’t have to forgive me. I understand if you never will. But just please know I am so sorry. My emotions were not under control, though that’s not an excuse, and I should’ve locked my door or left as soon as you came in. Please know that I never meant to hurt you like that, ever. I love you, Tobio, and I will never forgive myself for letting this happen. But if you can accept me back, that would be more than I could ever ask for.”
Overwhelmed by Tooru’s speech, Tobio feels tears spring in his eyes but for completely different emotions. He flings himself at his brother, fully trusting the other boy to catch him. He does, and they topple down into the mud together, clinging onto each other tightly, Tooru whispering I’m so sorry into Tobio’s hair.
Tobio doesn’t know if he could even stay mad at him anyway. He loved his brother too much for that.
Tobio rolls off of Tooru, laughing at the ‘oof’ sound Tooru made when he kneed his stomach. Oh well, he deserved that. Tooru gets up too, dusting himself off.
“Pinky swear?” Tobio extends a pinky, an intense gaze in his eye that is met with the same intensity from Tooru.
“On what conditions?”
“Pinky swear that you’ll never hit me again. Pinky swear that you’ll let me help you because it’s my job to take care of you too. And most importantly, pinky swear that you’ll never leave me, even when you and mom fight.”
Tooru smiles softly, then smirks, resting his chin in between his thumb and his index finger like he’s deeply contemplating his decision, complete with a loud ‘hmm’ sound. Tobio rolls his eyes, too tired for Tooru’s antics.
“Pinky swear or not, Tooru?” He wiggles his pinky for emphasis.
“So impatient! I guess the great Oikawa-San can take a minute of his time-“
“Stop talking in third person or I swear I’ll take this back Crappykawa.”
Tooru gasped as if Tobio had just said the most profane word in human history. “You need to stop hanging out with Iwa-Chan!”
Tobio snickers, and it’s Tooru’s turn to roll his eyes. He extends a pinky and wraps it around Tobio’s.
“Fine, pinky swear.” It’s meant to sound exasperated, but Tobio can hear the sincerity in his voice. “And what do we seal it with?”
“Tooru, please, I’m not eight anymore-“
“Wrong answer! C’mon Tobio-Chan, a pinky swear isn’t a pinky swear without it!”
Tobio sighs, trying his best to hide the smile that was threatening to break out on his face.
“A kiss,” Tobio tried to sound deadpan as he extended his thumb over where the pinkies interlocked.
“A kiss!” Tooru repeated, pressing his thumb to Tobio’s. “So, we’re all good?”
Tobio smiled. “I guess.”
They start walking back the way Tobio assumed Tooru came, stepping over leaves and branches- reminding him of when they were just little kids, Tobio following Tooru. He feels safe, like he knows where he’s going as long as Tooru’s in front of him.
“Good thing I’m forgiven because that was embarrassing. Imagine what it would do to my reputation if I got caught crying over my brother-“
“What did you just call me?” Tobio interrupts Tooru’s ramble, stopping dead in his tracks. Tooru stops and turns around a few feet ahead of him, smiling genuinely.
“You are my brother, right?”
Tobio let the grin he was holding back earlier split his face, making his muscles hurt with the strain. Happiness in its truest form is the best way to describe it.
He runs to catch up to his brother, who offers him a piggyback ride which he gladly accepts.
No, Tooru isn’t perfect. Neither is Tobio. Nor is Aimi, Miwa, or even his stepfather . But life isn’t about that , Tobio thinks as he nestles into Tooru’s neck, settling in the heat. Life’s about being with the people that make you feel good.
That’s what counts.