Chapter Text
hi
hello hyung
hello.
long time no see!
let me start again. i don't really know how to start this.
hello minho. i don't know what i want to say how to say what I want to say, how to express myself. i've always been very complicated when it comes to feelings. i know I have to write this down and put this into words, but it's hard for me. it always has been.
i should start by asking the obvious, as all letters usually do: are you alright? how have you been? still out there doing the same shit we used to do?
i never again went to the bar we used to frequent when we were reckless and stupid and carefree. it's too loud now and i just can't seem to tolerate it any longer - i don't think i ever did, you used to like it more than me. i would always go in hopes of seeing you and kissing you. it used to be a thrill, now it looks like every other bar. it's not special any longer.
you were dazzling, mesmerising. all eyes used to be on you, always. the life of the party, you were fresh and fun and wild and you were so bright when you danced on the dancefloor, under the fluorescent lights. everyone wanted you, and you wanted everyone to look at you.
i can't believe i made you mine. that you willingly chose someone so plain and boring to spend your time with. that you found me kissable, when you were irresistible and charming. i am none of those things.
i never again went to the bar where we had our last kiss. do you remember that night? i never thought it'd be the last; i should've made it longer, i should've kissed you better, i should've meant it. i thought we'd have a thousand more, i took it for granted -- my mistake. i should've said love words and kept you close, should've been more desperate, more loving.
no one kisses like you. they don't make the world spin.
i was happy then, when i had you, if you can call that having. were you happy with me or was i just a busboy, coming in and out of your life on a whim?
i want to think i meant something to you. that that last kiss i gave you left you begging for more. i want to think, at some point, you craved me. you wished for me, desired me, just as i did for you. are you sate now? satisfied? am i disposable?
i miss the man i was with you. i miss the you you were with me.
i've become a cynic now, and don't search for love in night bars. do you? do you still frequent that bar in search of a new love, a new thrill? do strangers still entice you and drive you wild?
i like to think that you didn't use me to sate your boredom. it didn't feel like that to me.
i wouldn't call it special because it was ephemeral. the time we spent together was too short to mean anything more than a fling. still, i thought i loved you.
then why do I still think about those nights? sometimes while lying in bed alone i think of those rendezvous and find myself wanting to spend one more night by your side, you dragging me everywhere and making me drink whatever was at hand. i don't even like drinking anymore.
where are you? i don't want to reach out and contact you again because that's not like us. it's not like you to come when asked. you come and go and you don’t give a shit about anyone -- don’t get me wrong, i love that about you. your nonchalance is actually calming.
but if one day you find yourself wanting to meet an old friend, at night and wanting to go for a drink with someone you’ve met before, you know where to find me. it's not like i'll be waiting or anything.
hyunjin.