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Thanatos waits by the rafts that will lead away from this chamber, impatient, his fingers drumming against his arms where they're crossed over his chest as he waits for Zagreus to pull himself together enough to walk over and accept the centaur heart he'd won through reckless, dangerous fighting that has become his normal. Zag is stalling, though, a need to talk to Than warring with a fear of what he might say, but he notices when Than starts to unwrap his arms, uncoil, fingers twitching as he summons his scythe.
Zagreus hasn't had a lot of energy for a while, and the fight took what little he had left out of him, but he reaches out anyways, fingers outstretched, and begs, softly, "Than, wait."
Than waits. "I need to get back to work, Zagreus."
"We need to talk. Please. I- I want to apologize." He takes a deep shuddering breath, dashing across a rivulet of lava that bisects the platform they're standing on, to stand in front of Thanatos. "I'd like to explain myself, too, if you're willing to listen."
"I know why you think you're doing this, Zagreus."
"No, Than. You don't. Please, just for a moment, put yourself in my position." Zagreus regrets, a little, trying to have this conversation in Asphodel, but he hasn't seen Thanatos in a while, not since their last conversation ended in both of them lashing out at each other, Than's words sharper than any of the weapons Zag has felt tearing him apart since he began his escape attempts. The heat, though, is overwhelming, muddling his thoughts and making him feel slow and stupid. Though, that could also be the blood loss. He'd like to sit down, but the ground is hot, too, and unstable, the Phlegethon an ever-present threat to what little land remains in this level of hell.
He envies Thanatos, floating above the hot, dusty ground. He envies him for how easily he could leave, too, gone somewhere else in a flash, where the climate is more temperate and bearable, where sunlight can beat down on his skin and warm him gently instead of boiling him through.
"I'm not trying to get away from you," Zagreus says. "I... apologize, for leaving without saying anything to you. I wanted to wait but I couldn't bear the thought of waiting too long, or- or losing my momentum."
"But you still want to leave."
"Than. Than . Please, you know what it's like for me in that House. I don't want to leave, I just- I need a change, Thanatos, I don't think I can take much more of feeling like a failure, feeling invisible , feeling alone ."
Thanatos scowls, his fingers digging into the dark skin of his arms, tanned from time on the surface, time in the sun. Zagreus always wondered at their difference in colour, pondered the reasons for it, but he's seen now how alive his mother looks, and the paleness of his skin now seems a deficiency, an emptiness, not pale but lacking . Of course, Than wouldn't understand; Than has always hated the sun, loathed his time on the surface, sensitive to the light and the air and the brightness of it all. That is to be expected of Death Incarnate, that life, bright, ever-present life, should burn him. Zagreus wonders if he understands that this underground home, this prison, has drained Zagreus in much the same way. God of Blood, of Life, weighed down and deprived by all the death he's surrounded by, all the gloom, the lack of anything alive.
"You aren't alone, you've never been alone," Than spits, and there's a bitterness there that hurts.
" You don't know that; you can't know that. My father- he's never allowed anyone to get close to me. I've hardly ever left the House, and yet, of all the people living there, I can only claim to be close to you, Nyx, and Achilles."
"But it isn't enough for you, is it? We aren't enough for you-"
"You know that isn't true, Than! But you're never there . Nyx works all hours as well and Achilles tries to make time for me but there's only so much time he can afford. Anyone else I try to befriend- my father eavesdrops on my conversations with Hypnos, Nyx punishes Dusa for every word she says to me- who do I have, Than?"
"You have me."
Zagreus shakes his head. He backs up to a wall and sits down, hard, against it, knocking his head back and staring at the ceiling, the craggy rocks reaching down overhead. Thanatos tentatively comes over, lands his feet on the dusty, scorched earth, carefully arranges his robes around himself as he lowers himself next to Zagreus, not sitting beside him but at his side, just out of reach.
Thanatos sighs. "I don't want you to leave, Zag. I can't- I can't protect you if you leave."
Zagreus huffs an exhausted, bitter laugh. "I don't need you to protect me. I've never needed you to protect me, I just... wanted you to support me. To be there for me. So I wouldn't be so alone."
"You're not making any sense, Zag."
"Maybe not. Might've taken a few too many hits to the skull this time around," Zagreus breathes, closing his eyes. "I don't want to fight with you, Than."
"I don't want to fight with you, either." Zagreus feels cool fingers trace over his forehead, brushing his hair aside to inspect the various cuts and bruises he's covered in. "I don't like change," Thanatos admits, quiet. "And I'm scared, if you go, I'll lose you." His voice is tight like he's forcing the words out, unused to this kind of honesty about his emotions.
"You aren't going to lose me," Zagreus tries to reassure, reaching up to move Than's hand to his cheek instead, cupping it there and turning into it to press a kiss against his palm. "I mean, for one thing, I'm trapped here. Cursed like my father to never live on the surface." He tries to inject some humour into it but doesn't quite manage it, bitterness seeping into the words against his will. "For another- I would've come back, you know? For you. To see you."
"I don't- Zag. You're-" Zag's eyes slit open to watch Than as he struggles, face flushed gold with ichor as he tries to organize his thoughts and feelings into something he can say, brows pinched with frustration at his tongue's refusal to cooperate. "What if you found something better? Some one better? You can't say we aren't going to lose you so confidently, especially not when we already have ."
Zagreus nods, mollified. "I'm sorry," he tries, though the words feel empty with how much he's used them lately.
"No- No, don't, I-" Than growls with frustration, pulling his hand away from Zag to run it through his silvery hair, yanking at the strands. Zag reaches out, pulls his hand out of his hair, holds it in between both of his, stroking it with his thumbs.
"Thanatos." He takes a breath, lets it out slowly as he considers his words. "Do you trust me?"
Than squints at him, head cocked, puzzled. "Yes? What does that have to do-"
"Then trust that I mean it when I say I would've always come back for you."
Than's gaze drops to their linked hands, pensive and fidgety. "Right."
"Please let that be enough, for now. I don't know what else I can give you."
Thanatos nods, pulling back, away, and for a moment Zagreus is worried he's said something wrong, but all Than does is stand up, brushing off his robes as he does. He extends a hand to Zagreus to help him up, steps close to readjust his pauldron, straighten his chiton.
"It'll be enough, Zag," he says with a soft sigh. Zag watches his face, still nervous, but Than seems to decide something for himself, nodding slightly as his expression turns grim and determined for a second. "You said- you don't want my protection, only my support?"
"Yes, Than." He's standing so close, but Zagreus finds he doesn't know what to do with his hands, isn't sure whether to reach out and hold him, pull him into a hug, rest his hands on his arms just to feel him there, but he doesn't, his arms dangling limply at his sides. Than, his hands braced on Zagreus' shoulders, leans down, pressing their foreheads together.
"Then you'll have it." He smiles, then, a small, rare thing, one that Zagreus files away to think about later. "I really do need to get back to work, though. Your bad habits are starting to rub off on me."
"What bad habits?" Zag jokes. "I'm a beacon of diligence."
Thanatos steps back, giving Zagreus an assessing look, still smiling that small, secret smile. "Hm. Maybe you are."
He disappears with the gong of a bell and a flash of green light, and Zagreus is alone in the chamber, silent but for the bubbling of the Phlegethon as it threatens to eat the land left here. He feels... lighter, for having had that conversation. He's sure there's more to speak about there and hopes that Thanatos will be at the house by the time Zagreus emerges from the Styx, but he doesn't feel as tired anymore. He doesn't feel quite as guilty as he did before.
He summons Stygius into his hand, and makes his way out of the chamber, nabbing the nearly forgotten centaur heart on his way.