Chapter Text
"You haunt me in my dreams, but it's all I want to see" - Circle by Yusukekira
The small liquid of wine remained in the wine glass, with small specks of wine remains circled around the rim. The wine glass stood on a note-filled desk, different color coded one's with organized writing and piling. Illuminating light shined on Logan's glasses, his focus evident with how fast his hands and fingers type through the laptop. Books organized in genre surrounding his room, almost like a small library at his disposal. Even with the fanciful surroundings and structured writings on the notepads and notebooks, his thoughts were practically the opposite of it. His thoughts were frantic and filled with confusion and curiosity, especially after the events that happened the day prior. The situation was Thomas' reluctance to do his needs and insisting claim for his desire, specifically his new interest to someone he met at the mall. Even with Logan's optimism for Thomas and his onward path to a better lifestyle (and better routine), Logan's efforts seem to be pointless as Thomas ran through the door to meet with the person he met at the mall. It wasn't that Logan is self-centered enough to say that his routine and priorities should be put first than anyone's, but even with this he couldn't help himself feel almost selfish on wanting Thomas to do what he wants to say. It's not like he desired for Thomas to stay away from romance, he more or so felt pushed aside, a harsh term to use is neglected.
Even with these feelings of dread and unimportance, Logan felt like he was overanalyzing and overreacting to Thomas' words and actions. He knew as much as every side that he had emotions, but it's not the possession of them that bothered him. It was the fact that it felt like he was losing control of them every time he felt even a slimmer of them. Losing control of yourself seems almost like an excuse; Logan once thought of this. He felt like he was making excuses for his reaction to the situation, especially the fact that he expressed this to Remus (who wasn't even surprised by the outburst). But, he still felt it. Felt the outburst like the very wine glass he was holding overflowing, his eyes felt like they were burning, vision orange and saturated. Was that really him? Even he wouldn't recognize himself at that moment. But, that isn't a excuse to be rash, is it? Even with these thoughts running through his mind, he felt like he had control when working so he remained in his seat typing away. 'Maybe I need to be more subtle and gentle with my stance,' Logan thought, even with the work-filled laptop on his fingertips. He thought that maybe being more gentle and far more subtle with his nudging for Thomas' to do his obligations, that he would make some progress. Though he knew that that wouldn't work, after all, that's what he's been doing the entire time. He was only fooling himself further for even going through with that train of thought, but well, what else could he do? He could complain all he want, but that ultimately never comes to a satisfying conclusion. He could confront Thomas', but that would be like talking to a brick wall, clearly a one-sided conversation. He's expressed his distress before, even in a violent way, but that didn't really solve his concerns, more or so it worsened. Even with expressing these clear concerns, no one seemed to took it to heart, and pushed it aside as if it wasn't as important. He felt hurt and enraged, yet also felt like he failed Thomas. He wasn't even a good enough a side to listen to, how can he blame anyone else about this?
Logan's train of thought worsened.
But, he immediately stopped himself the moment his thoughts became self-loathing.
Logan closed his laptop, leaving the unfinished wine glass and disturbing thoughts behind and opened the door to exit his room. Realizing it was midnight, he could hear the distant sounds from Roman's room, evident that Thomas' is currently dreaming. He walked passed the loud door and looked for the kitchen to get a small midnight snack. The whole structure of mindscape was currently at it's default, looking like an ordinary hotel hallway with standard doors but colorful appearances and personal designs. The middle of the room being a living room and beside it is a small kitchen, with many cookie jars and pastry goods because of Patton's desire and joy for baking. And in the back of the living room is an ominous elevator, the top dubbing the room 'mindscape', almost teasing every side that passes it by to go down to the other scape, where all sides that are considered 'dark' live and occupy. Sometimes sides that do have this label visit the mindscape, like Remus and Janus, who frequently join them in meals, to visit, or to torment. But, because of recent events, they seem to avoid this space altogether and remain in their side to ease the tension.
He felt almost sad by it, well, almost. But even without their presence, it was evident that there was tension that looms across every hall and room. Roman's animosity for Janus and the feeling of betrayal. Virgil's unease for Patton's acceptance of Janus and the growing anxious feeling of Thomas getting comfortable with Janus. Lastly, Patton trying his best to fix what went wrong, and trying his best to make it up to the two sides. It felt like some soap opera that Thomas would stumble upon, but, that was reality. Feeling the tension himself, even in the middle of the night, he grabbed some Crofter's jam and spooned it right out of the container. He wasn't quite feeling up for bread, nor the need for unnecessary barriers to his quite clear wants, the sweet organic and delicious jam. You can say he was being too passionate about some jam, but don't test him. With a comfortable hum, he put back the jam and got some water to ease the sweetness. On his way to go back to his room, the elevator dinged.
Logan felt his hands grow cold. Even with the knowledge that it could be just Janus planning to torment Virgil, the uneasy feeling never drained his mind. The elevator opened, with a swift noise of the doors opening. He heard a few footsteps; it was indicating someone must've stepped out of the elevator. Logan's back was turned, he felt fear and curiosity at the same time. He felt his breathing hitch as he felt a presence behind him, almost like his own shadow looming before him. He felt a touch on his shoulder, immediately he never expected to feel a rush of emotion from the touch. He felt complete. As if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, he felt balanced. In a blink of an eye, the feeling drained away from him and before Logan could even scream for desperation, the feeling of the presence disappeared. Logan turned around, and faced the elevator.
Nobody was there, except Janus.
"Logan?" Janus asked, almost concerned by Logan's stiffness and obvious fear driven eyes.
Logan tightened his fist, and sighed, "Hello, Janus," removing the tension from his shoulders.
"I'm guessing you were standing there the whole time doing nothing?" Janus smiled softly, now feeling comfortable.
"Yes, I wasn't," Logan responded, quite used to Janus' frequent sarcasm and lies in the middle of the night.
Before Janus could even start a conversation, Logan immediately left and headed towards his room, growing tension with his every step. He felt that feeling before. The feeling of overflowing emotion, a lift of burden from his mind and his very body. The shade of orange filling his eyes, it felt like a familiar friend. But, why? He knew Janus wasn't the one that touched his shoulder, he wasn't the looming presence that was behind him. No, he couldn't be. His spine shivered as he entered in his room, sighing and attempting to relax as he summons a bottle of wine. He doesn't like this unease yet yearning for the very feeling and completion he felt. His thoughts were even more scrambled than before, how ironic how he wished to leave behind such thoughts, yet worsen as he returns. He felt the feeling of wine overflowing the glass, he immediately opened his eyes, not even realizing it was closed before as he examined the mess he made on his desk. He didn't knew if this was some sick joke or symbolism for his current state, he didn't quite care either way, he snapped his fingers as all became organized and fixed. But he knew he couldn't do the same thing with his thoughts, no matter how desperate he may be. He knew that the capacity to overflow and lose his focus isn't new, but it never eased his fear to the path that he may take with these frequent thoughts and actions.
'I can't maintain such perfection,' Logan thought, a bitter smile growing on his face.