Chapter Text
Ian knew despair well.
It was what he felt when he was first diagnosed with bipolar, when the doctor told him that he would need to take his pills for at least 40 years.
It was the sinking of his stomach when the military figure in front of him dashed his dreams, and told him that his brother was the one they wanted at West Point.
It was the shattering in his chest when he watched him getting married to someone else at the altar.
It was the ice freezing over his world when he heard that he would be in prison for the next 15 years.
But nothing could compare to what he was feeling right now, hiding in the bathroom, clutching a positive pregnancy test, weeks after he just started dating Caleb.
Except he'd never let Caleb top him. Ian had only let one man inside his body that way, in his whole life. The one man he truly trusted. The one who was locked away from the world now.
Ian broke up with Caleb that very same day.
Caleb was confused and upset, wanting to talk. Ian never gave him a chance and blocked his number. He didn’t see any other option in this situation. There was no way someone like Caleb would take this news positively, and he was too exhausted for any fights right now.
Ian caught the bus to Stateville the very next day. He had to see Mickey. He dreaded the reaction his ex-boyfriend was going to have to his news. He wasn’t sure Mickey would even react positively to just seeing him . It had been several months since he last visited, and he had left Mickey with that heartbroken look on his face.
This time, Mickey sat there behind the glass with a hopeful look on his face. “You came back,” he said with a grin.
Ian finally gathered up the courage to meet his ex-lover’s blue eyes, “Yeah.” He gripped the handset tighter, nervous about what he was going to say next.
Mickey was as perceptive to Ian’s emotions as ever. He could tell Ian had something important to tell him, but he was clearly afraid, most likely of Mickey’s reaction.
His expression darkened. “Just fucking spit it out man. You got yourself a new sugar-daddy or what?” He didn’t mean to come off sounding so aggressive, but he couldn’t help it. The very thought that Ian had already found someone else produced the old familiar ache, of a long broken bone that has never healed right. Ian was always with someone else, it felt like. Never able to give Mickey all of himself. Or maybe Mickey just wasn’t enough for Ian…
“No!” Ian shook his head quickly, blinking back tears that were threatening to fall. His heart sank, racing even as his pulse pounded in his ears. This conversation was already going downhill before he could even break the news.
“Then why’re you here looking all nervous and shit? What other bad news you’ve got for me huh-?”
“I’m pregnant with your child.” Ian blurted out while Mickey was still talking. He braced himself for his ex’s reaction, staring fixedly at his hand on the table so he didn’t have to see the expression on Mickey’s face. Probably disgust.
“What?” Mickey’s voice came out all croaky with surprise. He’d never thought Ian could be that rare 0.5% of the male population that could carry a child. Not that it had ever mattered to them before, with Ian always being the top. Except that one time they’d decided to switch it up while they were both high on beer and adrenaline. Right before everything came crashing down on their world.
Mickey started laughing, and it was Ian’s turn to look at him in surprise.
“Holy shit, I’m gonna be a dad again?” Mickey wheezed out between his laughs, “and from just the once as well? Jesus, I'm a stud.”
“You’re ok with it?” Ian asked hesitantly. Mickey was taking this way better than he had anticipated. No curses, no violence. No shaming Ian or abandoning him,
Mickey nodded, a corner of his lips curling up into a smirk, looking quite pleased. “‘Course. One more thing to tie you to me, and one more thing to look forward to when I get out. Another kid,” he mused. “Our kid.”
The phrase, ‘our kid’, Ian hadn’t even thought of that part yet. Images of him and Mickey and a small child, playing in the park. Waking up in the middle of the night to soothe the baby back to sleep. Goofing around in the kitchen while a bottle heated up. Ian’s heart melted. Of course, Mickey still loved him and still wanted to be with him despite everything. The incessant clenching, he'd felt in his chest every minute since he saw the little test with its two lines, finally seemed to relax. Now that his bipolar was mostly under control, he could think clearly again.
There was one more thing he wanted to ask Mickey. He just needed to be sure he was both subtle- and clear.
“Promise me you’ll stop doing what you’ve been doing for Svetlana.”
“The fuck for?” Mickey looked left and right, making sure no guards were paying close attention to their conversation. “It’s good money, man,” he explained. “Two kids, all the more reason to make sure I can provide for ‘em. And for you.”
Ian swallowed. He should have expected this response from Mickey, always so practical in his decision making. “Please Mick, I want you out in 8 years, not 15.” Ian’s gaze searched Mickey’s, imploring him to understand him. He wished he could touch the other man, squeeze his hand to show how much this meant to him. “I don’t want our child to grow up with just your money, I want them to grow up with you. And you have to get out for me; I don’t wanna be a single mum.”
Mickey had his mouth open, ready to argue. But Ian’s words stopped him. He closed it without a word, and that was that.
Of course, when had the universe ever been kind to Ian? He was so confident the worst was already over, but in fact, it was just about to begin.
Twenty weeks into his pregnancy, Ian found out that their baby had a life threatening heart defect. And he couldn’t even call Mickey, or cry in his arms.