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When Phil's dad said he got him a surprise gift he wasn't expecting this. He has no clue when he would even need to use a drill. He's still living with his parents and thought they realized long ago that he was not the diy kind of guy. Still he wants to be nice since his dad got it thinking of him. Although, he doesn't know how to feel about that thought, so he doesn't linger on it too long. "Oh thanks dad I'm sure I'll find some cool project to do with it."
His dad just smiles capping him on the back "I thought you could use it. Besides, one day you'll be taking care of your own house." Phil nods and tries forcing the weird phantom lump in his throat down.
He tries to ignore how it makes him feel. He's probably being the weird one. Phil knows plenty of his other friends would be just fine with a gift like this. It's not even for anything special he should just be grateful his dad saw something and thought of him.
He is grateful for his dad though, he knows he's lucky to have him. It just makes him think if he knows something Phil doesn't want him to know yet. His dad hasn't gifted any drills or tools to Martyn even though Martyn, who is living on his own, would definitely have more use for them than Phil.
He brings it up to his room and places it on his bed in front of him. Phil messes with the latches flipping them back and forth as he thinks. The bubbling fear he was keeping at bay in front of his dad starting to let itself out. He almost shoves the stupid drill off the bed but decides against it as the loud noise of it falling off his bed is just going to get him unwanted attention. He instead gently places it on the floor before laying down and pulling the blankets around him.
He stares at the poster of Buffy on the wall till his vision starts to blur. He tries to blink it away before giving up. Buffy wouldn't judge him for crying and being a snotty mess.
Dan: call in 2 mins???
Although that's a different story. Phil knows he's not going to be good company and is close to telling Dan he's busy. But he's selfish and wants to hear everything Dan wants to tell him.
Phil: if you're ok with a watery eyed snot monster then yes
Phil: but if you don't want to deal with that I can chat when I feel more normal xD
Phil wiped away some of his tears trying to make himself a little more presentable.
Dan: why snot monster :[ you ok? are you sick? what happened?
Phil: it's stupid
Dan: answer skype :[
Phil pulls open his laptop and starts up Skype. By time he does, he can see Dan has already attempted to call him 3 times. Phil hits call this time and soon a grainy Dan is popping up on his screen.
Already just seeing Dan makes the heaviness in his heart easier and his lips turn up. "Hi." He says a bit quietly, trying to mask how much he was really crying.
It doesn't work well considering Dan knew. "Are you ok? Why are you crying? Are your contacts in? Don't rub your eyes. Where are your glasses?"
Phil groans, resisting the urge to push his palms against his eyes. "Maybe but it's fine."
"You should probably take them out,knowing you they'll get lost in your brain or something, besides you look good in glasses." Dan tells him. He knows Dan is mainly wanting him to get his contacts out because he's right he is the kind of person to have a contact lens related accident. But it's not a lie that he likes seeing Phil in glasses. Dan gets excited claiming it's a Phil not many people see.
He sighs, getting up half heartedly grumbling how he can make his own decisions about his eyes. He goes to the bathroom, washes his hands and calms himself down so he can take out his contacts without poking his eye out. He slips his glasses on already feeling a bit better without the contacts in but he can keep that to himself.
Phil wraps his blue and green triangle blanket around him as he sits back down in front of his laptop. "I'm back" he says even though Dan can see that.
"Hello" Dan says in that gentle voice that he knows always calms Phil. He even told Dan so one time during one of their late night Skype calls. "So you're not sick, do you want to talk about it?"
Phil shrugs and he knows it's not the easiest cues to pick up through camera "it's stupid to get upset over" he settles on. Because it is stupid, he has a father who loves him and thinks about him and he's here crying in his room.
"I don't think it's stupid if it's made you feel like this." He says trying to get Phil to make eye contact with him. Aka just look at the screen instead of the pattern on his blanket.
Phil groans, flopping backwards onto his pillows. "I'm going to sound like an asshole"
"I've met assholes you're definitely not one of them."
"I just feel like my dad doesn't get me. Or maybe he does too much and wants me to change." Phil sits back up to see Dan's reaction, anything to tell him if he's overreacting. He leans over and picks up the box with the drill and holds it up for Dan to see. "He got me this drill. I'm not a drill man!"
Dan cracks a smile "can I be the drill man then?" He asks, quirking up his eyebrows.
Phil can't help but laugh "actually shut up."
"It's a legitimate question," Dan says, still giggling.
"But seriously," Phil pouts at his screen "why me? Does he suspect something? Does he not think I'm manly enough? It's not like he's ever gotten Martyn a drill and I'm sure he could actually use it more."
Dan has a look of fear on his face that Phil doesn't like. "Why do you think he would suspect something?"
He feels bad for mentioning that part because he knows he has it way easier than Dan. Although he knows if Dan knew he was comparing them to devalue Phil's own struggles he wouldn't like that either. One part at a time though. He wants Dan to know he's safe when he visits Phil. "Nothing big I guess. I've just always been the weird one."
Dan wavers "you don't think he knows about like" he pauses making some vague hand gestures between himself and the camera "do you?"
"No, no nothing to worry about there. He doesn't really know what all this internet stuff is. I've just always been the weird one... I don't want him to know yet. I always worry one of my friends here will say something after everyone got that mass text. They seem to understand I just worry, I've been worrying."
"They're you're friends right? And you seem to actually be good at having people who care about you in your life. I'm sure now that they understand they wouldn't say anything." Dan tells him. Which does make him feel a bit better. He does know his friend never would have sent the text if they knew it would hurt or upset Phil. Especially if they actually realized how dangerous that could have been. Phil doesn't actually think he's in any real danger but things can hit different when it's your own family.
"You don't care that I'm not super manly and don't drill things right?" He asks, still needing that last bit of reassurance.
Dan gives him a cheeky smile "I was just saying how I'd like if you'd drill into me. That makes you pretty manly in my heart"
Phil groans and covers his face with his hands to hide the smile that is creeping up "you're absolutely disgusting Dan."
"You like it." He says, and well Phil can't lie about that.
~.~
When Phil walks into his room a few weeks later he sees a set of weights on the floor. A heavy feeling starts to settle into his stomach but he ignores it for now.
His parents were probably moving something around and decided to place it in Phil's room for the time being. They most likely just forgot to take them back. He can't even remember the last time his parents would have used them so it makes sense that they could have forgotten to take them back.
As he walks downstairs every step feels like the pounding of his heart is just increasing. He needs to remember his parents love him and it's not like they know he's gay or want to change that. He's not told them anything.
He finds his dad painting in his office. It's a beautiful piece of the cliff sides of the Isle of Man from a holiday they took over the summer. "Hey dad, how's the painting going?" Phil asks, his voice sounding squeakier than he planned.
"It's going good as can be. I'm really proud of how it's turning out. I'm hoping it will be accepted into the gallery in town." Nigel says. He takes a moment to put down his paintbrush and look at his work. He doesn't spend much time admiring it before spinning his chair around to face Phil. "Did you see what I left up in your room?"
"Ummm maybe?" Phil says losing any ounce of confidence he had coming into this conversation.
"I got you some weights!" He tells Phil like it's exciting news and not something that feels like getting hit in the stomach with said weights. "I saw them at a jumble sale and thought they'd be good for you. You know keep you active when you're online."
"Oh cool. I saw them but I didn't know if it was for me or you were cleaning something." Phil tells him, letting out a small laugh at the end.
~.~
Phil doesn't wait long to text Dan asking to Skype. Everything is a bit too much and while Dan can't fix any of it, not that Phil would expect him to, he does make dealing with all of the worries less heavy and worrying by being a good distraction.
In a few minutes Dan's pixelated face is forming on Phils screen and he's smiling again. Of course Dan is becoming an expert at reading Phil's mind of something and doesn't take long after saying their hellos to ask what's up. "Ok but seriously are you ok? Maybe the screen is extra fuzzy today but you have that look."
"What look? I don't have a look." Phil jumps to defend himself. Not heavily because of course Dan is right there are things going on inside Phil's brain and that was a part of the reason he wanted to call.
"You got that thinking too hard face. Like I need to come over and pull you out of your brain." Phil scrunches up his face in response to Dan. "Now you're just messing with me. You can tell me if you want."
"My dad got me another weird gift." Phil says burying his head in his hands.
"Another one?" Dan asks, surprise in his voice.
"Yeah! He got me metal weights. Me... weights." Phil says making some flip flopping hand gestures at himself as if it will prove his point more. "I know he cares about me but when he does stuff like this it feels like he already knows. It feels like he wants to change me." Phil's voice starts to crack with the last few words. "I don't think he knows he's doing it but what if he does?"
"Have you said anything that might make him suspect something?" Dan asks gently, trying his best to help calm Phil down. Oh how he wishes he was here now and able to get him out of the house. Maybe they'd go get some Starbucks together.
"No I don't think so." He says, "I've always been the weird one and I don't know if either of my parents would know enough about people like us to actually pick up real clues."
"Maybe he's just trying to find a way to relate to you." Dan offers. It's sweet, he appreciates that he's trying to reassure Phil because right now he's one of the only people that can. At least without coming out to his dad. "You know men stuff like drills, weights, drinking oil."
Phil sputters out a laugh "he's not even a macho manly man. He draws and enjoys gardening."
"Super many activities" Dan says, cracking a smile.
"Pfft totally. Going to use these weights as paint mixers or something"
"Very manly"
"So manly"
~.~
Phil is bouncing on his toes as he waits on the platform for Dan. After so many months they finally get to meet. His parents have left for a small trip together so he has the whole house to himself, soon himself and Dan.
It takes a moment after the train doors open and people start to make their exit for him and Dan to spot each other. Dan's face lights up and Phil has to start moving towards him or he's going to fall just by standing.
Dan is in his arms. He is real and Phil can finally hold him. Phil can hear himself trying to say something but none of it actually sounds like any words.
Dan is the first one to pull away from their hug. He smiles up at Phil and he notices the blush spreading across Dan's cheek. "I'm so happy to finally be here." Dan says making Phil stop staring at the patch on Dan's cheek that is extra rosy.
"I'm so excited I want to show you everything, and get Starbucks, are you thirsty? Was the train ok? We should probably drop your bags off first. I can help carry something- if you want-" Phil says grabbing the rolling suitcase Dan brought.
"Phil?"
"Yeah?" Phil's eyes are wide, his voice pitched up a bit higher.
"It's ok. I promise." Dan says lightly, bumping his hand.
"Ok" Phil let's himself breathe out.
"Maybe we can drop off these bags and then scope out a game plan?" He asks. Phil nods his head yes anything where he can spend time with Dan. "Starbucks definitely on the list though."
~.~
Dan pulls out a paper with some questions on it. Finally Phil has a friend? Specifics aren't important right now, who is just as interested in making videos as he is. Phil doesn't feel like he's dragging Dan along if his preparation and big smile is anything to go by.
Phil's heart swells getting to make a video with Dan. He's funny and fills in the space when Phil doesn't. He doesn't have to think about how he sounds just like their Skype calls Dan just gets him.
Phil could get used to Dan invading his space. Pushing him away as a joke only to pull him back in because even though they have the whole week together they don't want to be separated longer than some joke needs.
Dan picks up all the random nick nacks in Phil's room wanting to know what the stories are. Definitely derailing from filming but Phil doesn't mind as it means he has more to look back at when Dan goes home.
At some point Dan picks up one of Phil's lion plushies "kiss the lion."
Phil doesn't think. He'd honestly do almost anything Dan asked him to if it would keep him smiling and bubbly.
"Is it fun being a man now?"
Phil pauses for a second, "yeah especially as I got my cordless hammer drill"
"So manly." Dan says before they both burst into laughter. Dan picks up one of the weights on the floor and hands it to Phil.
He stares back up at Dan, confused for a moment. Dan rolls his eyes before mimicking lifting weights. "Oh yeah." Phil says a bit dumbfounded.
Dan breaks into a grin before doing an impression of a gym bro "oh yeah"
"Oh yeah."
Phil gently puts down the weight before leaning into Dan, laughing. This is so much easier with him here. Dans just having fun joking around and doesn't even realize how much weight he's taken off Phil's shoulders. At least he has someone who really doesn't care how Phil presents.
They wrap up the video saying goodbye and making some heart hands to the camera upon Dan's request. Phil feels like his own heart is going to burst out of his chest. Dan actually does like this video thing just as much as him.
At the end of filming the marker is coming off their faces. He's ready to curl up on the couch with Dan. Preferably with Dan just laying on top of him gently crushing him as they watch a movie. Maybe they can watch WALL·E like they mentioned earlier.
"This is the most fun I've ever had" Phil is pulled out of his thoughts as Dan brings him to the floor hugging him. Yeah being crushed by Dan seems like a good way to spend the day.
~.~
They're playing scrabble after dinner when Phil brings up Dan visiting around the holidays. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Dan is one of Phil's friends. Phil's mum loves filling the calendar up trying to bring as many guests into the house as possible.
"You've been seeing Dan a lot you know," Phil's mum says but it comes out more like a question.
Phil's stomach twists "I mean yeah, he's a good friend and we wanted to film a Christmas video. It is going to be multiple parts and things."
"I know you're good friends if you're seeing each other so often." She smiles back at him. Phil can sense there is something she isn't saying though.
"I- well yeah I- we both really like making videos and I'm teaching him how to edit his videos too-"
"You know it's ok if it's not just about making videos" Phil's dad speaks up. He just finished his turn thankfully he's keeping count of scores.
"I know I mean we play video games and, it's not always videos, we're actually friends." Phil finds himself jumping in to stop his dad from, well he doesn't really know what. The weights and drill flash in his mind. He doesn't want his parents thinking it's all just videos but doesn't know how much he can say.
"I know." His dad replies, his voice having a softer tone. Great, he thinks he really screwed up if his dad is treading carefully. Phil messes with the E tile making it spin between his thumb and middle finger. "But we're ok if Dan's more than a friend."
"Oh." Phil's mind goes blank while simultaneously having a thousand thoughts in a few seconds none of them lasting long enough to catch onto.
"We just want you to be happy." Kath tells him. She rubs Phil's back gently.
"He does make you happy right?" His dad asks with a joking tone.
"Yes. Dan's just, he makes me very happy." Phil feels his eyes start to water. How long have they known? What gave it away?
"What's wrong? Did I say something bad?" His dad asks. Phil wants to say no and scream yes. He's confusing Phil.
"I thought you knew and wanted to change me." Phil looks at him through his tears trying to wipe them away best he can.
"What? Heavens no what did I do to make you think that?" He asks
"I- you kept giving me these things and it wasn't me. You got me the drill and at first was like oh that's a bit weird but it's fine. Then you were talking about how I'll need it when I have a house one day. Which yes I want. But it just feels very wife and 3 kids. I didn't try to think about it too much but then you got me those weights and then I thought you knew and you wanted to change me. Like I wasn't a man or something. It hurt." Phil does his best to wipe away some of the tears. "I know now you didn't know but it made me scared."
"Oh Philip come here." His dad says, opening up his arms for a hug. Phil doesn't hesitate to accept it and let his dad rock them side to side as if he were a kid again. "This is not how I wanted scrabble to go." He gives a little chuckle. "But Phil we love you very much. This doesn't change anything. I didn't know. I wouldn't have gotten you those gifts if I knew it would make you feel unsure. Or at least I'd be better at explaining myself. I just want to make sure you're happy and healthy and if that's with a man it doesn't change anything. As long as you're happy. He makes you happy right?"
"He does. He really does." Phil says pulling back and taking a deep breath.
"I am sorry for making you feel unaccepted with my gifts. I just was thinking well everyone could use a drill and oh if you're working online it's important to stay active. I know that doesn't change anything but I hope the perspective helps. I love you, nothing is going to change." Nigel apologizes and Phil knows he means it.
"I love you too." Phil says, wiping away his tears.
"And Dan can visit on one condition." Kath says. Phil turns to cast her a worried look "I think it's time we meet Dan too."
Phil nods his head as soon as his brain registers what this mum has said. "Yes. Of course. I'm actually really happy you guys want to meet him."
"Of course we're going to want to meet the one who's been getting you to go outside" she says with a teasing smile.
Phil rolls his eyes but can't hide his smile. "I don't think this is how you're supposed to play scrabble." He looks back at their half completed board.
His parents both give a little laugh.