Chapter Text
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
Morgana started to pace, huffing in mild irritation. She stopped, glanced at the door.
Still closed. She huffed again.
Her maid, Gwen, was yet to make another appearance. Shortly after rousing her mistress, the girl had disappeared with the promise to fetch the noble woman her breakfast.
Yet, a very, very long time had gone by and Morgana’s belly was still empty.
Morgana glared at the door as though in doing so, her maidservant would suddenly come into sight. But no such thing occurred.
Standing on the threshold of her own chambers, Morgana weighed her options. She could continue to wait, just as she had been doing for the past hour or—
Morgana growled, or was it her stomach that produced that dreadful noise?
Frankly, she didn’t know.
Conducting a search for her incompetent missing servant wasn’t among her morning duties, nevertheless, the lady ventured out looking for Gwen.
The kitchens where the first place she went to. After inquiring the whereabouts of her maid, Morgana was directed towards a location she abhorred going to.
It seemed that Gwen had been last seen heading towards the physician’s chambers.
It was with utter disdain that Morgana marched in there, her mind set on rebuking her maid for her unforgiving tardiness.
She didn’t bother to knock as she barged inside.
Morgana spotted Gwen the moment she yanked the door open. The sudden noise alerting the woman and making her jump from where she was sitting.
“There you are.” Morgana announced.
Simultaneously, Merlin murmured. “Shhh.”
Everything stilled in the room when she noticed him.
Morgana stared at him, however her eyes weren’t focused on Merlin himself. They were transfixed on the sleeping toddler cradled in his arms. The baby’s face was buried in his neck.
It was hard not to detect the odd way with which Morgana regarded the baby and it was for that reason that Merlin held him closer to him whilst taking a step back in caution.
Last thing he wanted was to wake the sleeping infant.
What he did shook her out of her daze. She wouldn’t admit it aloud but she was grateful for it.
Merlin with a child in his arms? Who would have thought?
Her gaze moved to Gwen, a smile playing on her lips to mask her surprise. “I’ve been back for almost a year now, yet no one bothered to inform me that you have fathered a child, Merlin, why is that?” she stepped further, inching closer and passing her maid. “Yours, I presume?” she asked, her index finger gesturing between the manservant and her maid.
She assumed that Arthur and Gwen fancied each other. Had she misread the signs? That couldn’t be correct.
“Gods, no!” Gwen exclaimed, a nervous laugh passed through her lips as her eyes darted to the ground, clearly in embarrassment before she looked at her mistress. “It’s not mine and-”
Whatever she was going to say, it was silenced by Merlin’s comment. “You’re going to rouse the baby. Be quiet.” His voice was barely above a whisper.
Morgana crooked an eyebrow, half-tempted to do exactly the opposite just aggravate him. But before she could do anything, Merlin lured Gwen into his chamber leaving her alone.
She gritted her teeth. How dare they exclude her so openly?
So, the moment they emerged from the small room minus the sleeping child, Morgana said in a loud voice: “I’m still waiting for my breakfast, Gwen.”
The woman’s eyes widened, recalling her task. “I’m sorry, Morgana.”
Apologizing wouldn’t put food in her belly and standing there, looking completely regretful wouldn’t help either. “Go fetch it then.”
Gwen hurried out.
Merlin and Morgana were left alone.
“So,” she began, her feet taking her towards his room but he rapidly stood like a barrier in her way.
“Don’t.” he warned, eyes hard.
Since she only got a glimpse of the baby; just the back of its head before Merlin went away to his room, Morgana wasn’t able to guess the gender or the age.
She smiled, backing away. “A boy or a girl?”
His answer didn’t come straight away. There was a moment of silence during which it seemed he was debating whether or not he should respond. “A boy.”
“Congratulations.” Morgana said darkly. It would be good to make him feel threatened. He should fear her.
Merlin didn’t disappoint. His face dropped. “Thank you.”
“Where’s his mother? I’d like to—”
“None of your business.” He hissed, eyes blazing and mouth grim.
Her anger was subsiding with each moment she spent in there. This was fun; getting on his nerve, seeing the fear in his eyes. “Why so protective?” she asked, airily.
“You’re should return to your chambers, Gwen must have gotten you your breakfast by now.”
“Of course.” With a smirk, she whirled around. “I shall come back once more.”
She left, hoping that the promise she had made was enough to keep him on edge.
A child. A family. At last, she had leverage against Merlin. Something, she could use to hold him off.
She spent the rest of her day wondering how she had never seen Merlin in the company of a woman.
Things, simply, didn’t add up. Morgana could understood why Merlin had never told her about having a family of his own. But what about the rest, nobody had bothered to tell her. Had Merlin forced the others to keep it from her because neither Arthur nor Gwen had said anything. Or perhaps Arthur didn't even know, wouldn't be too hard to sneak in a baby under his oblivious nose.
As for Gwen, even after asking her about it, hadn’t offered anything. In fact, once Morgana demanded a straight answer, surprisingly, Gwen had recalled that she had forgotten to retrieve one of her mistress’ dresses and she had practically ran out of the room.
She still hadn’t returned yet.
If that didn’t stir suspicion, Morgana didn’t know what did.
She needed it to find the mother’s child quickly.
All the thinking had left her with a headache; that was why Morgana decided that the following day, she would find out everything there was to know.
A servant brought her dinner, and alone, she readied herself for the night.
Morgana might deal with Gwen's disappearance first, though. She couldn’t tolerate such incompetence.
She didn’t know what pulled her out of her heavy slumber. It was faint at the beginning, as Morgana became fully conscious, the noise had gotten louder.
It sounded as though it was coming from the outside, most likely the main square.
She curled onto her side, closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep again but she couldn’t. As she focused on it, it became clear that someone, or something- was crying, piercingly.
Intrigued, Morgana climbed out of her bed. Tracing the sound, she opened one of her windows. A cold breeze assaulted her making her recoil and pull the window close. She tried to get a glimpse of what maybe causing the noise through the glass but she wasn’t successful.
Trying again, she pushed open the window. Her eyes closed for a second as she adjusted to the low temperature. A shiver ran down her spine and she exhaled. Her eyes roamed over the courtyard for the source of the noise.
Morgana was in luck for she found it and she didn’t know if she should laugh at the comical sight or cry at the man’s stupidity.
She did neither, only stared down. Merlin, sitting on the steps of the stairs that led to the castle, his child in his arms. Of course, crying.
What the hell was he doing outside, at such late hour?
If she were to shout his name, would Merlin hear her? Unlikely, she thought, not with that baby crying directly into his ear.
She shut her window close, grabbed a furry stole, threw it over her shoulders and went for the door.
Only with her hand on the knob, did she pause, to think, to wonder why she cared. Perhaps because it was freezing outside and no matter how much she hated Merlin, who she wouldn’t care less if he died of cold, she couldn’t wish the same fate for the baby, even if it was his.
The mother was Morgana’s way to get to the servant, not the child.
That was what she told herself, repeatedly, as she left her room, heading towards Merlin.
The man was still in the same place where she last saw him, except instead of just sitting on the stairs, he was pacing back and forth with a small gestures. He patted the baby on the back, trying to sooth him and obviously failing.
“Get him inside.” She hissed, marching towards him.
Merlin jumped at her voice, surprised by her presence, the child on the other hand, started crying even louder. He was wiggling his hands and legs as if he wanted to be freed from the hold Merlin had on him.
“Morgana, what are you doing here?” he tried to tame the baby’s agitation but he wasn’t able to control it. “You’re upsetting him.” He told her, taking a step down, thinking if he put more distance between them and Morgana, the baby would calm down.
Yet, the opposite happened and Morgana was having none of his foolishness.
“Well, you’re killing him.” She understood the fear he might feel for his son because of her, but what he was doing, wasn’t right. It certainly didn’t help ease the deafening cries of the child.
Morgana moved quickly, managing to catch him by surprise and snatch the baby from between his hands. She cradled him closer, wrapping her stole around him. She didn’t care about the bark Merlin released once she hurried inside, straight to the warmth the castle’s walls offered.
Once in, she rubbed small circles on his back, rocking him slowly in the process. The crying began to subside but it didn’t fade away entirely.
Seething, Merlin put his hands on the child’s sides. “Give him to me.”
She shoved him away before continuing the soothing moves. “He’s calming down, Merlin.”
Realizing that, Merlin frowned. “How did you—” It was clear that he was taken aback by how quick Morgana managed to settle down the restless baby. Nevertheless, he didn’t budge, he stood his ground, his features hardened again; he still wanting to take the child back.
Since she couldn’t deny him that, Morgana glanced down at him. His head rested on her shoulder. His cries dissolved into a mix of hiccups and sniffles. His face was still red, tears staining his cheeks.
For the first time since she had laid eyes on the toddler, Morgana took a good look at him. His puffy adorable cheeks, his eyes were so blue yet tainted red from crying. His hair, short and dark.
He had his father’s eyes and the color of hair. If she were to guess, she’d say that he’d grow up to look a lot like Merlin.
As much as she hated that, she couldn’t ignore that he was a beautiful baby.
Remembering Merlin’s demand, Morgana tore her eyes away from the angelic face and up towards the man who was still waiting, hands in place.
“Fine.” Morgana conceded. She had already done what she had come down there to do. Time to leave, she thought.
Morgana maneuvered her hands so she could pass the baby to Merlin. But they were both taken by surprise because before he was fully freed from Morgana, he wrapped his delicate, short fingers around a strand of her hair. Then he whimpered, it was clear that he was against the transference the adults around him were about to conduct. So, when Merlin held the baby, the latter tugged at her hair and she yelped.
“Oh!” Instinctively, she moved back. Noticing what was happening, Merlin pulled the baby away thinking he’d let go.
Boy, was he wrong. He might have small hand but the child’s grip was strong.
In the end, Morgana screamed in pain and Merlin realized his mistake.
However, Morgana’s yell must have been so sudden that the baby sniffed few times, his bottom lip trembled. His eyes welled with tears before he was crying again.
Now, the baby was hanging in the air, between Merlin and Morgana. Merlin’s hands held him closer while his small one did the same to Morgana. Tears pouring down his face.
Merlin moved his hands, wrapped one around the child’s stomach, the other one went under his backside, to lift him properly.
Morgana tried to pry his fingers away from her hair but his grip only tightened.
“Mama…”
Morgana’s heart skipped a beat.
Her head shot up, eyes widened in shock. “What?” She glanced at Merlin to verify if she did in fact hear that correctly.
He dismissed her quickly, “That’s the only word he can say.”
Merlin gave her the child who hastily buried his face in the crook of her neck and continued to cry. He watched her with a confused look on his face; he looked almost amazed how the child clung to her. First, she’d been able to soothe him with the simple act of holding him to her and now it seemed that he didn’t want to be parted from the woman. Morgana, on the other hand, tried to appear like she’d not been affected by any of it. Like his father, the baby had managed to make her care for him. She started to calm him again while Merlin worked on freeing her hair. She was quiet, just patting his back and rocking the two of them slowly.
“Aha!” Merlin exclaimed, moments later. Just to be sure it wouldn’t happen again, he made sure to wrap his hand around the baby’s fingers so he wouldn’t snatch another strand of her hair.
But when she was going to hand the child back to his father, the two adults realized that while Merlin had been trying on free one hand, the baby had already got a lock of Morgana’s with the other one.
“Don’t even think about it.” Morgana warned Merlin, the spot where her hair had been yanked was still burning and she didn’t need a repeat of it. “He looks tired, perhaps he’ll fall asleep soon.”
The warlock hesitated for a brief second before he nodded.
They stood in silence watching the baby sniff and whimper.
“What were you doing outside with him?” Morgana asked, turning her gaze towards Merlin.
He just shrugged his shoulders, “He’s been crying the whole night and because of it; Gaius couldn’t sleep.”
“So, you thought exposing him to the coldness of the night would help?” she snickered.
He pressed his lips together, not impressed by her mockery. “I had nowhere else to go to.”
“Why didn’t your wife help?”
“My what?” he asked with a furrowed brow.
“Your wife, your son’s mother?” She felt stupid trying to clarify her question. But when she saw the uncertain look on his face, something clicked in her mind.
“You are married, aren’t you Merlin? Your son isn’t a bastard, right?”
The lack of answer was in itself an answer. That was really unexpected. “What happened Merlin? Did she realize how dangerous you are? Tell me, did she know you’re a killer an—”
Nicking the baby from her grasp cut her off and she squealed in surprise, jumping back. The baby’s hold had relaxed due to her calming moves and it seemed that while they were talking his eyelids grew heavy and eventually he’d fallen asleep.
“You have no right to ask about her.” Merlin said before he walked away from her.
His reluctance to speak about his lover or his baby’s mother only served to fuel her curiosity and encourage her to get to the bottom of this whole thing.
Something was certainly shady, of that she was now sure.
The next morning, Gwen showed up on time and after achieving her morning tasks; there was a knock on the door.
Morgana was having her breakfast when that happened. Gwen answered it, her body going stiff when she saw who was on the other side. She threw a quick glance at her mistress before she disappeared behind the door. She made sure to pull it after her to block Morgana’s vision.
At first, she didn’t pay much attention but then she heard their whispers, and then abandoned her food and strolled over to the entrance of her chambers.
She leaned forward hoping to catch a word or two from the conversation taking place. She could hear Merlin’s voice. “Please, Gwen. Arthur is going to throw me in the stocks if I don’t polish his armour and I still have plenty of errands to run for Gaius.”
“What about my errands, Merlin?” Gwen replied back, sounding apologetic. “I haven’t done anything the day before and I don’t think Morgana would understand if I disappear yet again…”
Having heard enough and identifying the subject under discussion between the two servants, Morgana drew the door open and stepped outside.
She surprised them both.
They turned to look at her, putting some distance between them and her. Morgana glanced at the two of them; face neutral. “Everything alright?” she was addressing Merlin who looked at Gwen then back at Morgana. But it was her maid who replied.
“May I be freed for the rest of the day, milady?”
Her answer was instant. “No.” Even as she said that, her eyes were on Merlin.
Gwen sighed, “What if I were to finish my chores early for the day, would—”
Again, Morgana denied her. “I’m afraid I can’t spare you today.”
Merlin was gritting his teeth, but kept his chin up; determined not to be fazed by her.
“I should go.” he said but Morgana stopped him. She turned to Gwen asking her to go inside; she had a matter to discuss with Merlin.
“I can’t have you appear every now and then to pursue Gwen into taking care of your child while you do your work. She has one as well…”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “I wouldn’t have sought her help if I wasn’t forced…” Then he paused, the harshness of his expression dissolving into weariness. “I need Gwen to watch over…”
“That’s not my problem, Merlin. It’s yours. His mother should take care of him instead of you running around seeking—”
“Don’t.” he glared at her.
He’d warned her about mentioning the other woman but this was the only way for her to get some information.
“Don’t what?” she sneered, “What did you do to her to push her away? How horrible it must have been for her to abandon her child?”
He shook his head frantically, his jaw clenched. “I didn’t do anything.”
“I find that hard to believe.” she smirked. “Did you try to kill her too?”
He grunted, voice rising. “Nothing. I’ve done nothing.”
She countered, her tone matching his. “Then where is she?”
“Dead.” He hissed, then as though realizing what he’d said, his shoulders slumped, sorrow washed over him. “She’s dead.”
Color drained from her face at his reply. She stammered. “I’m sorry, Merlin.”
The baby’s face appeared before her eyes and her heart ached for him. She almost reached for Merlin’s hand meaning to offer her support.
But the warlock didn’t take her words seriously, choosing to assume that she was just feigning her sympathy.
“Don’t try to fool me into thinking that actually care.” He taunted, looking at her with disgust.
Morgana didn’t appreciate that. “Of course, I care. I know what it is like to lose a parent, Merlin.”
“So do I.” he shot back. “Your pity is the last thing I want at the moment, Morgana.”
His comment left her shaking with both fury and shame. She shouldn’t have pressed him. She definitely didn’t expect to hear what he said.
Poor child, she thought. However, looking at his broken expression another thought popped into her mind. Poor Merlin.
What she said next surprised the two of them. “I’ll dismiss Gwen…” she made to turn towards her room but he didn’t let her carry on with her decision.
“Like you said. It’s my problem to solve.”
She rolled he eyes; annoyed by his stubbornness. “I want to help you, Merlin, like you helped…” she trailed off. “…me.” Morgana exhaled in shock. She didn’t believe her ears.
Did she really say that?
She was supposed to be hating him. During that particular moment, she was supposed to relish his loss, revel in his sadness but to feel sorry for him? That wasn’t right.
Something wasn’t right. The man tried to kill her. Now, she was standing here reminding herself of the good things he’d done for her.
What was wrong with her?
“Hmm.” She hummed pivoting around as if she was looking for something. Like her sanity. Because the words that were coming out of her mouth didn’t make any sense to her.
Merlin must have been alarmed by the look on her face. He hesitated, “Are you alright?”
She said nothing. She stared at his worried face, exhaled deeply and ran to the privacy of her room.
She shut the door in his face and didn’t allow Gwen to go help.