Chapter Text
Whenever a vital mission was afoot, he handled it with a clear understanding of the terrain, a thorough plan and most importantly, utter valiance. It was a point of pride with him, actually. In this situation, he lacked all four of those things.
The common room of Button House was full of ghosts and living people. All of them were having fun, except for the Captain who was standing rigidly in a quiet corner, like a tin soldier, and clutching his swagger stick with both hands. Coming down to the party was already a small win. His prize? A chance to see Pat properly for the first time that week. Walking about, talking to everyone, helping, explaining, and just checking in. A true leader.
The delight, however, was tainted by the absence of permission to come near him. Not until the Captain was able to say what Pat wanted to hear. Or at least grasp what it was. The sorrowful glances Pat had been giving him all evening were not much of a clue.
Finally, the Captain caught the moment when Pat was surrounded by a crowd big enough to make his approach less awkward and moved closer, sneaking like he was undercover.
‘Why they celebrate not wee in pool?’ Robin asked, pointing at the small group of Alison and Mike’s friends sitting in a circle with glasses of wine and beer in their hands.
Pat frowned. ‘What? That can’t be right.’
‘Girl said she never wee in pool,’ Robin explained with certainty. ‘And they drank for that.’
‘Oh! They must be playing “Never Have I Ever”. It’s actually really fun!’ Pat lightened up, as he always did when an amusing distraction was brought up. Hearing the rapture in Pat’s voice, the rest of the ghosts gravitated to him.
‘Is it a modern parlour game?’ Thomas asked.
‘Can we play it now?’ Kitty joined in, instantly full of anticipation. ‘Please, please!’
‘Yeah, I suppose,’ Pat said, with a bit of doubt. ‘We can’t drink, of course. But all in all, we only have to use our heads.’
‘Well, thank God,’ Humphrey’s voice came from the floor.
The Captain used the chance to mix in the background of the growing crowd and pretended that the unknown game was the only thing he was interested in.
‘Oh, I know this game,’ Julian said. ‘Lots of dirty secrets spilling out. But it's just not the same without booze.’
‘Secrets? What secrets?’ Fanny entered the scene, her clenched lips contrasting peculiarly with the genuine curiosity in her eyes. ‘Assuming that I might want to join this enterprise, of course. Which I do not.’
Mary joined the group as well, fiddling with her apron. ‘What exactly be this devil’s game?’
‘Okay, I’ll explain the rules,’ Pat said. ‘It’s really simple. Everyone in the group takes turns talking about something they’ve never done before. You should always start with “never have I ever”. If someone else in the group has done that, they take a sip. But we can just put down our fingers or count points… or maybe just talk. There’s no one way to play this game, the key is to open up and have fun!’
The ghosts shared intrigued glances. New games were a rarity at Button House those days. Almost everyone was clearly into the idea. Meanwhile, the Captain widened his eyes and receded behind the column cautiously.
‘Gosh, how exciting!’ Kitty exclaimed. ‘I want to play! Mary, what do you think?’
‘Well, there’s so much boredoms in the house, with almost no clubs… Yes,’ Mary agreed hesitantly.
‘Indeed, we haven’t had Food Club for three weeks,’ Thomas said, and Pat’s eyes slumped guiltily. ‘Let us have fun!’
Fortunately, the party was nearing the end, and enough guests had already left so the ghosts could claim the sofa as the place for the game. And even so, there was a bit of disagreement about who would get the sitting places and who would stand nearby. The Captain made use of the commotion and continued the slow retreat. Pat got busy calming everyone down and almost missed his escape but turned around just in time to prevent it.
‘Er, Captain? You want to join in?’ he said sheepishly.
‘No, no. I wouldn’t possibly… No,’ the Captain mumbled, yet his movement stopped instantly.
‘Can’t fit a square in a circle, eh?’ Julian snorted.
‘Oh, Captain, you simply must play with us!’ Kitty said.
‘That’s a negative, I’m afraid, Katherine.’
The murmurs of impatience rose in the background. Pat ignored them and heaved a sigh.
‘Captain, can I talk to you for a moment?’
The Captain had no idea what the subject could be, in their ongoing circumstances. Still, Pat deciding to talk to him was a promising sign in itself. Hope stirred inside lightly. It had to be kept away from the facade, of course, so the Captain just nodded, cleared his throat, and followed.
Pat halted on the other side of the common room. A spot remote enough to conceal the words yet too visible to create any suspicion, the Captain made a note to himself proudly. A tense silence hung between them. At the same time, deep inside, the Captain was just glad to see Pat standing in front of him. Even with that blend of conflicting emotions on his face, instead of the usual kind-hearted smile. Even at such a ridiculously cautious distance where there had been none at all.
‘Um, okay… I know I’m breaking my own word here,’ Pat started, rubbing his hands together, ‘but I can’t just stand there and watch you get excluded.’
Even after what happened, Pat still cared enough to blow off his resentment for a second, to override the principles… Moved and therefore even more weighed down by their current status, the Captain gazed at him with a half-formed sad smile.
‘I can see how this game is your biggest nightmare,’ Pat went on. ‘Particularly based on our experience… But in the end, it’s just a game, Cap. It’s not that deep. It’s just about having a laugh in good company.’
‘It’s a ridiculous game,’ the Captain grumbled pointedly. ‘Why would anyone acknowledge what they’ve never done, in front of a group? Or publicly take pride in doing something unseemly?’
Pat’s moustache twitched with a muted chuckle.
‘It’s not all one kind of actions. Anyway, it’s just a bit of fun. You’re not obliged to admit to doing anything you don’t feel like revealing, you know. Or give any details, if you do. Seems like I’m going to be managing the whole thing, so consider it my official permission to fib a bit. Now, will you play?’
What a stupid and anxiety-inducing game! Who would even willingly tear themselves wide open for a whole crowd, give them out all the bleeding details, watch them play around with those fragile secrets like some cruel volleyball? And who came up with the idea to call it amusement?
‘Rules are rules, Pat. What’s the point of playing if you don’t intend to follow them?’
Pat threw his hands up in frustration.
‘Yeah, right. As for my own rule, I can see that breaking it was very much in vain. We’re still where we started,’ Pat said conclusively. He turned around and headed to the expectant group.
Oh, damn it. Not another hollow evening. If joining a stupid game was what it would take to stay with Pat, even for a while and just as one of the bumbling players, so be it.
‘No! Pat, wait,’ the Captain blurted out. ‘Don’t go, please. I’ll play.’
‘Really?’ Pat stopped and gave him an inspirited smile, reminiscent of the better days. ‘Which way, though? The easy one or the ridiculous one?’
Eager to demonstrate courage in this highly demanding mission, the Captain took a resolute stance.
‘The ridiculous one.’
‘Wow. Okay, we’ll see how it goes!’
Pat came back to the group and stood in front of everyone, a subtle grin rollicking on his face. The Captain, on the other hand, located himself behind the corner of the sofa, coughed nervously and prepared for the worst.
‘Right, let’s play “Never Have I Ever”!’ Pat announced cheerfully. ‘Just to ease everyone in, I’ll go first. Never have I ever… missed a really obvious hint that a person is properly smitten with me. Now, everyone who has should raise their hands!’
Ah, of course. A test. Sure, everyone this, everyone that. As if Pat’s eloquent stare, complete with a cheeky smirk, even grazed anyone else other than him. Well, a promise is a promise.
Some hands went up. The Captain hardly noticed whose they were, too busy recruiting all of his resources to do his own task. When he finally rolled his eyes and raised his hand with such trouble as if it was burdened with an iron dumbbell, Pat clapped his hands.
‘See? It’s easy!’
‘A look inspired by Dana Scully – what a great contribution by Lady B! And on that note, we conclude today’s “What would I wear today, if I could” discussion,’ Pat said, walking back and forth in front of the group. ‘Unless, maybe, this time, you want to add something, Captain?’
The Captain, at his usual aloof position behind the sofa, always had the same sulky answer. ‘Negative.’
Among the exasperated groans of the ghosts, Thomas muttering “not this again” could be heard clearly.
‘You wasting time with him,’ Robin said to the relentlessly and maybe a bit unreasonably optimistic scout leader. ‘He not gonna play.’
‘Oh, come on, mate! Not even a single garment on your mind?’
‘Yeah, tell me about it,’ Julian smirked.
‘Nothing worth choosing over this,’ the Captain reiterated, ignoring the questionable innuendo.
‘For crying out loud! Maybe you at least want to borrow a look that somebody else has already mentioned? Like Thomas’s peach romper or Robin’s–’
‘No! Not gonna share my virt… birch… my suit!’ Robin protested.
‘One more time, I think you mean a virtual reality suit, Robin. Okay, maybe not yours, then. But now that Robin mentioned it again, Captain, remember Tech Talk last week? You liked the idea of smart clothes, didn’t you? Maybe there’s something in that area?’
The other ghosts heard that title for the first time. Puzzled glances multiplied.
‘What be a tech talk?’ Mary asked. ‘Be there a new club?’
‘Oh, he must mean TikTok!’ Kitty said with a smile. ‘I do know TikTok. Alison has been showing me some dance routines from there. I wish I could record my own one, though. Pat, are you teaching the Captain a TikTok dance?’
‘What? No, I said Tech Talk,’ Pat repeated slowly. ‘Tech as in technology.’
The speculation around the topic that already included some kind of feverish dancing wasn’t particularly appealing to the Captain. Before any more ideas would spring up, he hurried to elaborate. ‘Yes, I, uh, took an interest in the electronic marvels of the modern world. Patrick has been kindly telling me about various nifty devices on a regular basis.’
‘Nerd Club for two?’ Julian clarified. ‘Nah, leave me out of it. What can you even teach him, Pat? We’re all more or less on the same level by now. And Robin’s starting to pull ahead, I think.’
The doubtful remark made the Captain frown and clasp his stick tightly. Quite on the contrary, Pat was an amazing teacher. So excited about the subject all the time. Always capable of finding the most enthralling way of introducing any trivial trinket. Julian had no idea.
‘Well, of course, I wasn’t alive for the invention of those things,’ Pat explained, his hands shaking in the air nervously. ‘But I've watched a lot of documentaries, so there’s a lot of great stuff to tell!’
‘So you two have scheduled meetings to discuss war devices that both of you have never seen?’ Julian asked again.
‘No, no, none of them are about war. Like, the other day, I gave a presentation on an egg roll maker!’, Pat said contently, adjusting his glasses.
Excluding trifles so silly, the Captain liked gadgets indeed. All the sliders and the buttons, the preciseness of the execution, the devotion to the clear purpose. To a certain extent, they reminded him of fine weaponry. Well, they were not just as brilliant. Far from it. But when Pat had spotted that moderate interest, he had instantly suggested turning it into a club just for the two of them, and the Captain had just gone with it.
Every Monday and Thursday at 4 pm, he listened to a description of some self-watering planter or, more captivatingly, a fitness bracelet with such attention as if it was a military order. Afterwards, he tried to come up with a compelling question to extend the talk. ‘Nice one, Cap,’ Pat always said and improvised another lesson on the spot. The Captain had a paltry idea of how quickly or slowly technological development proceeded after his death. Before Julian’s remark, he actually believed Pat had personally worn clever glasses and ordered a talking box around, so evocative were his descriptions.
So what if it was no more than a retelling of a source he could easily study himself? Anyone, whether interested in technology or not, would be all ears when the lecturer in question shows such confidence and enthusiasm, finds joy in the smallest innovations and praises each inquiry with an appreciative smile. Almost certainly.
‘That’s one action-packed blockbuster,’ Julian said.
‘Anyway, that’s all a bit off-topic, isn’t it?’ Pat’s smile shifted more and more to the territory of masked trepidation as the atmosphere of bewilderment kept growing in the ballroom. ‘Now, for the last time, Cap, any contributions today?’
‘To avoid all further misunderstandings, I insist upon dropping that subject indefinitely,’ the Captain replied with steely stubbornness.
Pat’s mouth curved in discouragement. Tired of the doomed negotiations, the ghosts started standing up and leaving the room slowly, one by one. The Captain remained still and drilled Pat with his eyes. Why did those nonsensical imaginary articles of clothing even matter that much? What difference would they make?
‘Captain, would you mind staying for a minute?’ Pat said.
‘Ha-ha, look who’s just got detention!’ Julian exclaimed, with a grin. ‘Although, you know, I’ve watched quite a few films where that was a lot of fun.’
‘Oh yes, I really enjoyed “The Breakfast Club” too,’ Kitty said, the whole ghost group already out of the doorway.
‘Not quite what I meant.’ Julian’s voice subsided in the distance.
When they were left alone in the room, the Captain felt his throat drying up. As he took a few paces towards Pat, his legs almost swapped the usual meticulous tread for an unruly promenade. He was feeling reduced to a little boy who had to answer for a botched essay. The Captain hated being thrown off into that powerless recollection from a hard-earned position of leadership. The fact that he did follow the order only confirmed the fall.
Being asked to stay was never a good sign. He knew the demeaning ways the officers of higher ranks often used to express their opinions.
Pat was endlessly far from that type, of course. He was even smiling softly. Which, strangely, only worsened the sensations.
‘Look, mate,’ Pat started at last. ‘I just wanted to say sorry. For trying to pressure you.’
The Captain stared at him in surprise. He had already jotted down a small tirade in his mind, just to reestablish his crumbling formidable commander position. Perhaps it could be postponed for now. Keeping the spiky words close at hand just in case, he raised his chin and tried to look imperious. It had little effect on Pat who was glancing around the room in search for words.
‘I couldn’t help but notice that lately, you… seem a bit more open to things, I suppose?’ Pat said, as if unsure whether the conclusion was allowed to be said out loud. ‘You join in group activities more often, you even took part in the karaoke contest and came third! I mean, who would’ve thought, just a few years ago? The reason I keep asking you is… I can see you’re trying really hard, and it’s admirable. I just wanted to reward and assist that, okay?’
For certain, it was okay. Even touching, actually. For the Captain, a lot of things were a whole depleting event, while for the others, they were no more than a mundane action or a light-hearted pastime. It was essential that they would still seem to be done in passing. But Pat saw how it was and what it took. He noticed, he praised the effort, and he even tried to help.
The Captain lowered his eyes before any of that frail nonsense would show.
‘So I thought it would be good for you, that kind of stuff,’ Pat continued. ‘Exploring your inner world, using your imagination.’
‘No apologies necessary,’ the Captain said as he regained his composure. ‘But, as much as I appreciate the gesture, of all the roads worth mapping, that one is just of the least interest to me.’
‘Being dead, how many roads exactly do we have? And sometimes the most avoided path is the greatest one!’
‘The most avoided path is usually the most dangerous one. It is literally the reason it’s not taken. How did you get your Orienteering badge?’
‘No… Erm, yes, but… I’m just saying, sometimes, to get what you really want, you have to take risks, and that’s the only way. Well, you should know.’
‘What?’ The Captain winced slightly.
‘You must’ve had some high-stakes missions, right? The greater the peril, the bigger the win.’
‘Ah. Yes.’
‘And you were brave about doing them, I suppose?’
The slightest implication of the opposite, especially coming from Pat, was an utterly crushing blitz of humiliation.
‘What are you getting at? Of course, I was! There is an expression, “fear no colours”, which means showing courage in dangerous circumstances. I’ve always chosen to act in line with it. Provided that the ultimate objective is an important one. And in this case, it is not.’
‘But don’t you… Oh, to hell with that,’ Pat grumbled in despair.
For a while, they just stood there, trying to look anywhere but at each other. Apparently, it started snowing outside. The Captain stared at the sparse large snowflakes sticking to the window, as though hoping that their lace pattern would somehow write him a hint on what that whole conversation had been about.
If anyone in the room did have a reason to be vexed, it was obviously the Captain, not Pat. How insolent, hinting at him showing any signs of cowardice. Throwing a bomb right at the plinth of his individuality’s main pillar.
‘Will that be all, Patrick?’ the Captain said.
‘Oh, there was something else I wanted to say.’
‘Listening.’
‘Captain, I…’ Pat took a deep breath. ‘Actually, I don’t think gadgets are that much fun’.
To the Captain, that sounded like a rebuke. But he hadn’t been the one to suggest setting up that club, had he? Besides, Pat’s look, intense and precise like a bayonet, was neither upset nor accusatory. It was more of a search for agreement.
‘Well, uh… In that case, you don’t have to waste your time on that,’ the Captain said, working hard to conceal how sad this rejection coming out of the blue had made him.
‘No, I want to.’
‘But you’ve just said you are not fond of gadgets.’
‘That’s true.’
The Captain narrowed his eyes. ‘There might have been some misinterpretation on my part, I reckon. You always seemed quite overjoyed when you were telling me about them.’
Pat breathed a deep sigh of aggravation and took off his glasses. A reliable sign of sheer frustration, as far as the Captain was aware. Regarding the reason, however, he was so clueless that he was starting to get a little peeved himself.
‘Look, it just seems contradictory to me,’ the Captain added quickly, trying to fix the situation. ‘Why would you even spend so much time on that if the subject doesn’t appeal to you? Unless there are other circumstances in a situation like this, it’s just silly!’
Pat lowered his eyes in defeat. ‘Yeah… that’s right.’
‘Does this mean Tech Talk is cancelled, effective immediately?’ All the signs of the perspective’s effect on him were ordered to self-destruct right away. Only the woefully raised inner ends of his eyebrows refused to listen.
Pat bounced back from despondence that very second. ‘Oh, no, no! Don’t worry, Cap, everything’s fine! We’re keeping Tech Talk.’
‘I’m not following your course here, I’m afraid.’
‘I think you just heard me wrong. I mean… I’m not obsessed with the whole thing. And Julian’s right, I don’t really have the competence to lecture on it properly. But I do like… gadgets. And we’re having a lovely time, aren’t we? So let’s keep it going!’
Pat’s words made the Captain feel warm and grateful. Well, at least those few pleasant hours a week were staying. The rare moments of feeling seen. How valuable and how deficient they were. Which was, strictly speaking, a paradox. Comparing that year with all the time they had been stuck at Button House, they were now probably spending more time together than ever before, both within or, more excitingly, outside the group. Yet somehow it felt like less.
And speaking of that…
‘Marvellous! But, uh, in the interests of maintaining a fair balance, I insist that we start another club for the two of us and talk exclusively about something you like. Any suggestions?’
Pat beamed so brightly that the Captain’s mind completely blocked out the entire disagreement that had just happened between them.
‘Oh, that opens a door to so many possibilities! You’re in for a treat, Cap. I appreciate you saying this.’
An innocent pat on the back had the disruptive effect of a fire alarm in the middle of the night and made the Captain flinch severely and duck down.
‘Um, you all right?’ Pat asked, holding his palms open in the air, as if showing that he had no weapons in them.
‘Y-yes, I am.’ The Captain rebuilt a more civil stance, with an awkward cough.
‘What was that? I only wanted to praise you!’
‘Uh… Noted. There are, however, perfectly acceptable phrases for that. A simple “well done” would have sufficed,’ the Captain said, battling through a threefold embarrassment. The unbecoming instinctive reaction, first of all. Then, dismaying Pat with it. And last but not least, discussing the incident in any way.
‘But that’s just cold and dull, isn’t it? People need other gestures of approval too.’
‘I assure you, there is no pat from the back on my list of objectives. Er, on the back.’
Pat raised his eyebrows for a second and blinked rapidly. ‘Well, er… I hear you loud and clear. I’m going to work on it then.’
‘Splendid. Keep at it. And report to me on your ideas for our further collaborative activities in a timely fashion, please.’
‘Yeah, that’s my goal for the foreseeable future. And you should work on your answering skills. All right, Cap?’
The likelihood and, even more so, the appeal of that were extremely low. However, just because Pat was looking at him with a grin full of faith, the Captain sighed and nodded shortly.