Chapter Text
He was popping popcorn when it happened. The ground shakes. Walls tremble. He’s never been in an earthquake before, but his school ran drills to prepare them for these things. The practice appears clear as a movie on screen.
Homeroom.
Plenty of faces Kokichi doesn’t care to remember.
Teacher yells to take cover.
Kokichi dives under their table.
Kokichi ditches the microwave to dive under the table. His knees hit the tile hard enough to bruise.
His head bumps a handsome, dark-haired boy.
Shuichi.
He gasps, eyes darting around the empty apartment as if the man was in the living room. A phantom of him sits on the edge of the couch, smiling at him. Probably thinking of a way better earthquake safe spot than him because Shuichi always thinks of these things well in advance.
His phantom fades along with the earthquake and any sense of independence Kokichi once held in a death grip. His fingers let up enough for all of it to slip away. Just like how he let Shuichi walk out his door and never come back.
Kokichi falls back on his rear, hand going to his hair. A minor earthquake. That’s all it took for his world to crumble. Tears come to his eyes. He bites his lip, fighting everything begging and pleading for the dam of emotion to stay closed. Unbeknownst to him, a tiny crack is all it takes to cause a flood.
What if this earthquake wasn’t small? His apartment crumbled beneath his feet. One moment he’s standing in the kitchen. Next he’s under six feet of rubble. Nothing but dust as the rest of the world continues like he never spoke a word in his short existence. His last moments could’ve been spent popping fucking popcorn alone.
Alone.
Last damn thought would’ve been Shuichi. And a stupid memory, at that. Bumping heads during a drill? Fuck. His brain could’ve at least picked a good one for him to go out on. At least he wouldn’t have been terrified, confused, wondering if Shuichi is alright.
Did he even notice the earthquake, wherever he is? Is he scared? Is he alone or safe in someone’s arms that isn’t him? Where is he? His apartment? Kokichi knows it well. The tub would’ve been perfect for him to hide. The doorway to his room has thicker edges than any other, so that works too.
Ding!
Kokichi jumps, whacking his head on the table. He rubs the bruised area as he mumbles a soft, “dammit.”
That popcorn is a shit brand anyways. He lost his appetite for anything that isn’t Shuichi. Everything else fails in comparison.
Why is he so caught up on him anyways? They broke up over a year ago. He hasn’t thought about him in a long time. Erasing photos and unfollowing accounts ended up being way more therapeutic than it should’ve been. If he didn’t physically see him, he’d be easier to let go, replace, maybe even forget if he’s lucky. Somehow, he managed to do all of that.
Or so he thought. Here he is imagining Shuichi sitting on his shitty couch in a crisis. The truth reveals itself eventually, and his truth took the possibility of the world ending.
He’s still in—
Bing!
Kokichi’s phone sits across the kitchen, but his watch scrolls the notification across anyways.
Shuichi Saihara: are you okay?
Shuichi is texting him...? His heart skips a beat. He hasn’t texted him since the day they broke up. Not even after Kokichi finally got his much deserved ego check and tried to reach out. Yet here he is. After a crisis. Thinking of him.
Maybe he’s not a hopeless fool.
Kokichi taps the microphone icon on his watch. “No. My building collapsed, so I’m dead! You’re talking to a police officer—“
His smile falters. He always hides behind lies and jokes, but he always did it at the worst times. That’s how he lost Shuichi to begin with. If he sends that, he loses him forever.
He erases it and starts over.
“Yeah. Hiding under a table just like homeroom taught us. My head’s feeling better this time. You?”
That’s a lie, but a white lie. It still smarts from the table, but y’know, playful banter doesn’t have to be completely honest. This meets in the gray area between lie and truth, leaning more toward truth. Kokichi hits send before he chickens out.
The response comes within thirty seconds.
Shuichi Saihara: are you home?
Kokichi reads the message a couple of times. Why is he asking him that? His heartbeat picks up. Surely he’s looking too much into it.
Bing!
Shuichi Saihara: I’m already here. If you’re not or don’t live here anymore, let me know before I knock.
He scrambles out from under the table. Kokichi straightens his clothes out and runs his fingers through his hair to free any tangles. They may have survived a crisis, but he doesn’t have to look the part. He picks up his phone in time for a knock.
Kokichi checks his breath before unlocking the door. The first thing he notices is how neat his dark hair is. While they were together, he ran his fingers through his hair so much, he gave himself a permanent cowlick. Only way to rid himself of it was to wash his hair then not work for days at a time. He never did that unless they had an important date or vacation. Today is some random Tuesday night, though. This isn’t a vacation since he’s in town.
He clenched his jaw. Who did he style his hair for? Who did he wear that suit for? This purple tie?
Not him. This wasn’t planned.
Shuichi pushes a hand against his chest. He leads him backwards into the apartment, and Kokichi complies. One thing that never changes about Kokichi over this last year is that he can’t say no to him. Ever. Nothing he says or does is controlling, but he’s so enthralled that he feels compelled to go along with everything he wants. Kokichi’s an idiot, sure, but he will never regret any trouble he’s gotten into with or for him.
The other man leads him in until his heels hit the couch. He falls back, scrambling to stay upright. Kokichi swallows nervously, unsure where this is heading. Dreams of this moment haunted him for months after they broke up. How he wanted him to storm through that door and kiss like he truly missed him. As much as he’d love for his dream to solidify into realty, he knows it’s wrong. Selfishly though, he’d take one kiss before stopping it. One last kiss for closure.
If that’s what he wants to call it.
Luckily(?), he does nothing of the sort. He pokes his chest hard. “Over a year ago, Kokichi. You didn’t just break my heart. You shattered my whole being.”
Kokichi opens and shuts his mouth, unable to form thoughts or words. He’s sorry? Same? It all sounds so stupid and not enough. He settles on staring into those sparkling, gray eyes. The same sparks light his skin aflame when they land on him.
“You ripped my heart out, and I felt fucking empty for months.” Shuichi pokes harder. Tears roll down his cheek. “You said we weren’t meant to be. We weren’t meant to be forever.”
He lied. Shuichi should know he lies.
“So why? Why is it you I think about during that earthquake?”
Kokichi tears up again at the sight of him crying. God, he was a piece of shit to him. He’s different now though, he swears. He’ll show him. He worked on himself. He tried.
Kokichi opens his arms. “Come here. Shuichi, please.”
“No.” Shuichi holds up a hand. “I’m not done.”
Kokichi lowers his arms. He nods. He deserves what comes next.
“You didn’t even break up with like a normal fucking person.” Shuichi motions toward the TV. “You said ‘I’m not down for forever.’ Which, fine. You wanted to break up? Fucking fine, but you—you looked me in the fucking eye and lied to my damn face about why. We weren’t meant for each other? Fine, but don’t you ever fucking say I don’t know or see who you are.”
“Shuichi—“
He points at Kokichi and cuts him off, “I saw you every good, shitty, and in between day. I know you lied to me that day, but you hurt me so damn bad I couldn’t fight you. I… I couldn’t do what you needed most, and that’s my fault.”
“Shuichi, don’t you fucking apologize to me right now.” The dam cracks enough for tears to roll down his cheeks.
“Oh, you’re funny. You think I’m apologizing?” Shuichi pushes Kokichi’s chest again, harder against the couch. “You broke me, but I rebuilt myself into something stronger. Someone that no longer needs you.”
Kokichi nods and breaks eye contact. He deserves that. Honestly, he deserves worse.
“But…” A shaky breath escapes Shuichi. His fists tighten to stop the trembling. “Why do I still want you?”
“Please,” his voice comes across pleading, an emotion he never shows. “Please come here.”
Shuichi climbs into his lap. Kokichi holds him tight, running his fingers through his hair. That’s not something he did often enough with him. He buries his face in the crook of his neck and sobs. his trembles are so intense, Kokichi rocks him in hopes it’d help.
“I thought about you too,” he admits softly into Shuichi’s ear. Shuichi inhales sharply. Kokichi rests his forehead on the side of his head. “I fucked up a lot with you, but I fixed myself. I’m not the same guy. I always wanted to show you, but I couldn’t reach you. So I gave up fighting for us, but... I’m not done if you’re not.”
Goosebumps cover Shuichi’s neck. It’s rather chilly in his apartment, but he can only hope he caused it. His voice used to have that effect on his smooth, pale skin. Is it egotistical and selfish to still want to do that to him?
“The last time I was here, we were drunk.” Shuichi turns enough where their noses touch. Kokichi can’t breathe, his breath freezes in his chest to the point it’s painful. He continues, “we couldn’t make it out of the kitchen without being all over each other.”
“Y-Yeah.” Kokichi’s hands drop to his hips. He rubs circles with his thumbs. “What about it?”
“That’s the last good memory I have of us. You broke up with me in the morning.”
Oh. Kokichi tilts his head closer. “We can make more. That doesn’t have to be it.”
“One more.” Shuichi presses his body close to his. He gasps. He hovers his lips over his, and his eyes flutter shut. “We need to end on something better or this will be a cycle. Do you understand? We’ll keep coming back together like this and breaking each other over and over again.”
“Shuichi—“
Shuichi shushes him. “One more good memory for closure then that has to be it. I can’t be with you again, but we clearly need closure. We deserve that much before we say goodbye.”
Kokichi swallows and nods. Doing this will break him anyways, but he wants anything Shuichi will give him. Any sliver he offers, he’ll hold and keep it. If he wants this, he wants this regardless of the pain to follow. A night with him is better than a lifetime without him.
Shuichi kisses him with more passion than he recalls. No softness like in the past, but with a strong want, strong desire for Kokichi to reciprocate.
The dam bursts open, and Kokichi flings his arms around Shuichi. Their tears mix together in a sticky mess, but neither make a move to stop what they started. Shuichi holds him close as he deepens the kiss.
Shuichi kisses him likes he’s still in—
I can’t be with you again.
So why? Why is it you I think about during that earthquake?
Maybe he’s setting himself for a worse pain, but he came to him when the world could’ve ended. He’ll hold onto that centimeter of hope.