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For a while, Stede considers running.
Not with Ed, no matter how wonderful the idea that they could just reinvent themselves was.
No, he thinks about running back to Barbados, to his wife and kids who he abandoned so carelessly the year before.
He still felt so much guilt over leaving, that was the thing. He hadn’t been happy living how he had been, and he knew Mary held no great fondness for him either, but that didn’t stop his internal sense of duty from telling him he was a failure for not being able to live up to the traditions thrust upon him.
Even as Ed was excitedly explaining the plan to him, he felt his thoughts whirring. He couldn’t seem to get past the fact that Mary had declared him dead, of all things, though he guessed it made some sort of sense.
It was probably better to have a dead husband than a runaway one.
***
(And still, the question remained— Did she actually think he was dead, or did she just hope he was?)
***
He still hasn’t sorted his thoughts completely when he is woken up two hours later. He’d been hoping sleep would help him come to a decision, somehow, that he’d have an epiphany on what the right way forwards was, but he hadn’t had any such luck.
He knew he had to go to the beach either way, though.
No matter what he decided, he needed to talk to Ed first. Otherwise, he’d be treating him even worse than he’d treated Mary.
***
“Are you alright, love?” Ed asked, sitting down next to him on the dock. “You seem… Quiet.”
“I suppose I have been a little quiet this evening,” Stede said. “I’ve just… been thinking through some things.”
“Thinking through some things?” Ed asked. “Like, our new identities and destination? Or other things?”
Stede sighed, even as Ed reached out to put an arm around him.
“I— You know how I had a wife and kids, before running away to become a pirate?” He asked, and Ed stiffened slightly.
“Yeah,” he replied, voice strange. “Have you been thinking about them, then?”
“A little bit,” Stede admitted. “I still feel quite guilty about abandoning them, that's all.”
“Did you love her?” Ed asked, and Stede felt a laugh bubble up inside him.
“Oh, good heavens, no. I don’t think I could ever love a woman.”
At those words, Ed seemed to relax, though he pulled his arm tighter around Stede.
“Why are you thinking about her in particular, then? Or is it more your kids?”
“It’s been a bit of both,” he sighed. “I just... Do you think I did the right thing, running away like I did?”
Ed hummed, pressing a kiss to his hair.
“I think,” he eventually replied, “That you and your wife were both stuck in a monumentally shitty situation. And that you didn’t run away from that life so much as run towards this one, one where you’re free to be happy. And given that she had you declared dead, I imagine she’s taking advantage of the situation in order to find her own version of happiness.”
Stede smiled as he felt himself relax into Ed’s side.
“Thank you,” he said. “That… That does help.”
“‘Course,” Ed replied, then he snorted. “Though you should probably remember I am incredibly biased here. I have something of a vested interest in keeping you by my side.”
“Maybe,” Stede replied. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t be right.”
A moment of silence passed, then another, and he felt himself brighten.
“Once we work out where we want to settle, I can send her a letter and find out myself.”
Ed grinned, then leant in to brush their lips together in a way Stede very much hoped would become habit.
“Now that sounds like an excellent idea, love.”