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Sam has been in the library for hours, nearly spent his entire day there apart from the morning.
It had started as some light reading, some organizing here and there, and now he's spiraling.
Just a small moment sent him off, a moment where nothing felt real, and now he didn't have any solid proof anything was.
Castiel had joined him while he was organizing, there was some talking and laughing about the past week. But there was an overarching comfortable silence they could fall into without any worry.
They organized the messiest parts of the library and picked out some books to read. They've snuck in quite a few fictional books over the years, it's tiring reading nothing but lore.
No one ever seemed to notice the difference besides these two.
Sam had been enjoying his book at first, he'd been excited to finally have the time and energy to read it.
But there was a part that pulled him out of the story. It was a bit out of place and when he tried to ignore that feeling and just continue reading he wondered if the book was the only fake thing.
He tried not to show his panic that crept up quite quickly after that one thought. Just shuffled around, trying to focus on the words on the page but they all fell empty.
The air in the room suddenly felt too stiff and Castiel felt so far away even being across from him.
He focused on his breathing but it didn't help. So he had his mantra of being okay, being alive. In the midst of it, all Sam had ended up walking around the room.
Castiel noticed right away, they had noticed when Sam had first panicked, making a sharp inhale, but didn't say anything about it. They didn't want to make him spiral more.
Sam paced around, never going too far away from Castiel. They were always in view.
Sam had been debating if that was the real Castiel, or a fake reality again. It didn't feel real but it did at the same time.
Castiel's page flipping and concentrated expression, who would bother to replicate it? Why add those details?
The humming of the AC could be excused, as well as the other environmental components surrounding them, surely those were enough to distract him, why go the effort of putting Castiel there?
Sam managed to settle enough to sit but sat on the table instead of his chair. Maybe it was because he was closer to Castiel, or maybe it was just more comfortable. Yes, comfortable, that was why.
He had one leg up with his chin resting on it, a book back in his hands but he wasn't reading it. He was mumbling to himself, his mantra slipping out from time to time.
Castiel didn't need to look up to see Sam and his distressful situation. No doubt it was an internal conflict. Sam kept rubbing his hands against the scars that littered his hands.
They were healed enough that most people didn't see them but Sam was grounding himself with their tiny bumps.
Leaving Castiel to believe he was questioning reality.
Castiel stopped reading a while ago, they could see the words on the paper, and when they got to the end they'd flip the pages but they weren't absorbing the story at all.
Their concentration was on noting Sam's behavior and trying to figure out the best way to approach him.
"I'm fine," Sam had muttered louder than the rest, making Castiel look up from their book, Sam was gripping the book tightly with a frown.
"I don't believe that is true," Castiel said with a concerned look. Sam ignored it, not on purpose, he just was trying to focus on the voice that was trying to ease his worries.
Sam grimaced, trying to hold in his frustration as the voice got more muffled and further away while his doubts got louder and closer.
He got off of the table again, pacing once more. Still keeping Castiel in view, it was unclear to him if it was because he found the sight comforting or because he didn't trust it.
He was forcefully chanting in his mind, "I am fine. I am okay. This is real. I am home."
He mouthed most of the words and Castiel could hear them. They spared a glance at Sam, their worry grew. Sam didn't notice that Castiel had not only set the book down nor that Castiel was watching him.
"I am. I'm okay. Definitely, fine." He chanted over and over. He was saying it now rather than muttering it to himself.
Castiel knew Sam wasn't aware of his chanting, well that Castiel could hear his chants.
Castiel nodded along anyways as Sam continued saying, "I'm okay."
Not that Castiel believed it even for a second, they wanted to believe it but knew it wasn't true.
Sam slowed down his pace, his legs wanting to sit again so he did. This time sitting on the edge of the desk and his feet planted firmly on a chair.
Sam kept a repetition of sitting down in an odd place, getting up to pace, tiring himself so he'd sit down in another odd place.
Castiel watched carefully and hopelessly. Waiting for Sam to look over so they could offer help.
When Sam sat in front of them muttering that they were fine Castiel sighed, getting Sam's attention, "I had trouble believing you the first time you said it," Castiel said, making Sam realize his words were not silent, "but now I've recognized it as you saying it to convince yourself. Have you?"
There was no malice, no underlying reason Castiel asked besides genuine concern. Something Sam could see even in his muddled brain.
Sam sighed, dropping his shoulders in defeat, "Nope." None of his tricks seemed to be working.
"I didn't think so," Castiel said and got up, extending a hand for Sam. Sam took it but hesitated to follow, mostly out of exhaustion, but did end up letting Castiel lead the way.
Sam was always surprised by Castiel's hands, they were calloused as were his, but they felt soft nonetheless. Welcoming and gentle.
Sam was nearly positive that Castiel was using their grace to calm him through their hands. He wasn't going to complain or ask, Castiel would most likely deny it, no matter how obvious they were being about it.
Castiel had led Sam to their bed, sitting down, holding both of Sam's hands, urging Sam to follow suit which he did.
As they sat, Castiel rubbed their thumbs over Sam's in an attempt to soothe him, "You're not fine." Castiel said bluntly, leaving no room for Sam to argue.
"I'm not," Sam admitted, his gaze couldn't go past their hands. Even though he could feel Castiel's gaze, reading his face.
"How can I help?" Sam wished he had an answer, he'd take any help. But his mind buzzed with distrust. Not of Castiel necessarily, more of the reality of it all.
Castiel scooted closer, waiting for an answer, they could be as patient as Sam needed them to be.
"I don't know," Sam answered honestly, "I- I want to believe I am truly here, but, my head has been messed with too many times to believe my eyes."
"I don't trust my judgment right now," Sam whispered. It broke a part of Castiel to hear such a confession, they remembered a time when Sam was sure of himself.
When he defended his beliefs, and his judgment with a strong passion, they didn't see that in Sam right now. They haven't seen it in a long time and they couldn't blame Sam for it at all.
"Is holding you helping?" Castiel asked, there were times it grounded Sam and time when it made things worse for him.
"Yes, it's- not necessarily intimate, just-"
"Not something that's been replicated in mind?" Castiel finished for Sam who nodded.
"Yeah, no one even makes these types of moments, not for this long," Sam said, even with that being true, he didn't feel reassured.
Castiel let go of one of Sam's hands in favor of holding Sam's face, "Am I right to believe that intimacy is something they never used unless it was to trick you?"
Sam nodded, it had lost a lot of meaning over the years, yet with Castiel, it still meant the world.
"Do you believe I want to trick you?" Castiel asked and Sam shook his head, it didn't feel like Castiel would.
There wasn't that uneasy air that swallowed him whole before suffocating him with the truth. That's why it was getting slightly easier to believe this could be real.
"Can I hold you?" Castiel asked and Sam nodded quickly, he was praying strongly that this was real. That there wouldn't be some sick trick in the end.
Castiel moved closer and wrapped their arms around Sam's torso. While Sam sat on his knees, holding onto Castiel's face. Hiding his face in Castiel's neck.
Castiel rubbed Sam's back, easing him to sit again, whispering to him in their old native language.
Enochian was hardly used in moments like this but Sam seemed to relax in it. Castiel whispered a protection spell over the two. An old one that they hadn't used for many years.
Even as Sam sat properly, his arms were wrapped around Castiel's neck, and he refused to open his eyes. There was still that chance he'd open them and reality would fall apart.
"Cas?" Sam whispered. It sounded scared and shaky. Castiel still isn't used to seeing terror on Sam.
"Sam," Castiel answered, and Sam pulled back a bit, trying to convince himself to open his eyes to look at Castiel.
He could feel Castiel's gaze and could picture the concern. He forced them open, seeing the picture he had envisioned.
"Is it too far to ask-" he stopped wondering if this was what he needed, what he wanted to risk. He'd know right away if it was real or not, but that was the scary part, wasn't it?
"Is it too much to ask for you to kiss me?" Sam asked, feeling as if all the oxygen had been knocked out of him, his eyes closed again on instinct, preparing for the worst.
Castiel carefully flipped them over so Sam was lying on his back and Castiel didn't let go of him in that position. One hand on Sam's back, another holding onto Sam's leg, "It's far from asking for too much." Castiel whispered, leaning over Sam's lips.
They were practically touching, barely tracing over each other.
Sam leaned up to meet that small distance and felt the doubt of reality slip away as Castiel pressed deeper into his mouth.
His hands cupped Castiel's face as they slipped into a pace that they both chased after.
The room shifted as the two got lost in their kiss, trying desperately to be closer to each other despite being as physically close together as possible.
Sam could practically feel Castiel's grace buzzing outside of their vessel. Washing over him in the frenzy, it was electric.
Both were overwhelmed in the best way possible, Sam turned his head to breathe and that's when he noticed the tears on his face.
Castiel noticed them now with their eyes opened and Sam laughed, "I didn't expect it to be so intense."
Castiel was taken aback by Sam's laughter. They enjoyed it, but didn't understand the abruptness of it, "Is that a bad thing?"
They asked, and Sam shook his head. He looked into Castiel's eyes, so ethereal, most angels' eyes blended in, Castiel's never did.
"No, far from it," Sam assured Castiel. Neither moved their position, they held onto one another firmly.
"Did it help?" Castiel asked gently and Sam smiled, "It did. I'm fine."
The genuineness pulled a smile out of Castiel. Neither truly had processed what happened just quite yet, they were too focused on each other's presence to think about it.
Sam did note that he could still feel Castiel's grace prickling his skin as it sent out little waves.
He's felt it like this in Castiel's anger before, this didn't feel anything like that.
That burned and felt suffocating, the anger wasn't appointed towards him when it happened, he was just in the same vicinity.
Now it felt serene in a sense. Sam wondered if Castiel knew about it or not.
"Would it be too much to ask for us to do that again?" Sam asked and Castiel shook their head, "Not in the slightest."
Just like before, they melted into it, swimming in an intense electric kiss that moved the room. Not that either noticed, they were too lost in their kiss to notice, to care.
They could care later when they weren't so distracted… Right now, everything was fine, okay, it was great.